one more time

i'm back for a few days...yes in the 806. have a few things to take care of. I wasn't expecting to be here this early but given the weather warnings for tomorrow figured it was better to get here early. have an interview wed and hopin that works out. if not...i know that the right thing will come along in the right time. so not worried about it...just going about due diligence.

i figured i should check my mail too - otherwise it would be a whole month without being checked! ish! ok so its late and gonna spend the day with my madre who is here with me! will be back home sometime wed and then headed to austin the first of the new year and excited about it!

promises and sad good-byes

our trek back to Texas began sometime after 10 am this morning. we made pretty decent time considering we weren't sure what to expect of the weather. we're in springfield, missouri for the night. up and early tomorrow to make the rest of the 10 hour trip home. i woulda liked to have spent more time with my sister but her work schedule just didnt allow us the opportunity.

i'm so glad i made the trip with my parents and i see now that everything worked out as it did this last semester with reason. those little boys are so completely precious to me. i'm going to miss hearing "mimi get up!" in the morning or just "Mimi Mimi!!!" coming from my oldest nephew. they are growing so fast and the things they do/say are just priceless...

makes me sad that we live so far away but i know that it has to be this way. going to make a visit during spring break. i promised my oldest nephew i would. he told me this morning. "Mimi i'm sad" I said, "why Timmy?" and he tells me "Because i dont want you to go!" and i told him "i'll be back at spring break in just a couple of months" and he tells me "why dont you stay for alot of months?" oh just about broke my heart to see his sad little eyes! how could you not love a little face like that?

i hear senorita poochie made besties with my brother who was home over the holidays. i'm sure she's going to meow me to death when i arrive. this break is going to go by too quickly i fear. i want to stretch it out as long as i possibly can. a couple of more trips on the books - both lesiure and business. law school tour and of course get to spend time with friends in the process. always good for the soul. something about sitting with someone you care about over a meal or coffee...no words to explain.

so i got a few new albums for christmas. my new favorite is Carrie Underwood's. been listening to it quite a bit and hoping to grab the new Lady Antebellum as soon as its released Jan twenty-something....also hopin to make a few concerts this semester. have a good feelin about 2010....so weird to see that in print.

alright...to sleep i must go...long day tomorrow and short recovery before i'm back on the road - solo this time around....

hope you're having a joyous holiday season..just a few more days till 2009 ends and 2010 begins...

as always

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

There are only 16 minutes left to Christmas Day. I can't believe my last post was Dec 18th! It's been busy and hectic and with the two little ones - hard to get some alone time to write a blog. I'll gladly sacrifice blog time for time with those two little ones - my nephews.

i'm waiting for some security features to update on my laptop so i figured i'd try to get in a quick note before making the long trek back to Texas tomorrow. it will be two days of traveling to make it back to west texas. as sad as I am to leave, its kinda bitter sweet to head back to angelo. will be there for just a few days. need to run back north to take care of a few things back home.

home...its getting complicated to define where that is exactly. i feel a bit nomadic. i guess home will always be at my parents house - though i'm trying to make my current residence "home." hard to do when you're never there! lol....for now, its quite ok...not really trying to develop in roots there. don't get me wrong - i love life there but it seems that life is shifting once again and this time around i have a solid peace about things. again a need for annonymity - just have to say i'm much, much, much appreciative of the key players involved in the game.

been alot of lessons about timing and alot of sorting through stuff in this last semester. figurative and literally. just have to say that sometimes - we're so bent on taking a position that in our refusal to move in any direction - we fail to see the situation from a different angle which reveals what we really need to know. i'm not talking about any one situation just to say that i cant control anyone but myself. so what others choose to believe or not to believe - i cant control. can't make them love me, can't make them feel differently about me...cant change their minds about what they want to say...can't make them believe in me.

it's liberating because for once I feel like i'm not working so hard at trying to make others happy or others any of the above i just listed....no, instead i feel like life has a new lease if you will because its about doing what i feel i'm supposed to be doing in this world. right now the plan is law school - but it is something i'm praying through and definitely thinking through...its three years of my life.

my time with my nephew has shown me that yes - someday - i do want to be a mom and someday - i do want a family. my time with them has also taught me about timing and the art of time. everything has its time as ecclesiastes so poignantly points out. so instead of trying to rush through to the next phase/season of life - i'm doing what i can to embrace and enjoy the current one.

despite all the drama's life has wrought and all the crazy things happening in the lives of people i love. i can honestly say that life is sweet, very sweet. i'm excited for this spring semester and though i'm not a super fan of my current living location - hey - it is what it is and i've got just a year and a half left there so why not make the most of it?

i think this shift/change started with the changing of my concentration. feel so much better about that choice. i've learned that the greater the risk, the greater the rewards. i mean that was basically what we talked about in finance for the duration. risk...i thought about it...thought about those things that sometimes hold me back from really moving forward. will talk more about that later but just to say that i realized - i dont want to live life and look back and think what if...i tend to be a risk taker and in recent years have been more calculated about taking risk but sometimes i think you just gotta close your eyes and dive in. lol...

while its exhilirating, it can also be terrifying as heck! and sometimes i think to myself - are you sure you know what you're doing? most of the time the answer is no...but hey it makes life interesting none the less...and truly one day i will write a book about all my crazy life experiences.

that brings me back to the 5k training...yeah...need to definitely get back to that. so will set up some training sessions when i make my quick trip back to the north...gonna get back into a routine and get disciplined.

i ate way to many cookies here...i've been like a cookie monster and all because i was feenin' cookies all semester. so completely odd and strange but no more cookies for me... :( - yes i'm sad about it...but cookies are not good - even though they taste so delicious!

Just have to say i'm looking forward to the New Year for sooo many reasons. i'm not sure how much winter we have much left but something about the thought of spring in the air that makes me smile...well..that's not the only thing...again with the annonymity - its necessary.  But if you're reading this as i'm sure you will - i'm much appreciative of you - for your enduring patients - and what you add to my life - you know who you are. ;)

so yes...hoping to sleep well tonight. i've been a bit darth-vader-ish. neglected to mention that after i arrived i came down with a cold or sinus/allergy stuff. everything's clear so i'm bankin on the sinus/allergy/asthma stuff that sometimes catches up to me when i've not really rested and well that's definitely been the case this week.

i will say that i'm glad to have this time with my folks...and time with my sis and her family. wish my bro coulda made it but all things happen for a reason. i'm certain.

i'm sad to leave my sister and her family. will miss hearing "mimi, mimi" so early in the morning. their little boy voices and the sounds of little feet runnin around or coming up the stairs...those boys have taught me just how much family means to me and what a priority it is to me in my life. i know that in large - i am who i am because of them...what i've learned from them and how they challenge me...the lessons never stop and as long as i'm living and breathing - i know that i'll continue learning about living life and the meaning of it.

as always - on the road again...

Walk with me in the moonlight

the last post found me beginning my winter break travels. i managed to pack what i thought i needed into two major suitcases, load my car, and make my way home south.

so this post...finds me re-packing - though a lighter load this time - getting ready to head north. Today I did all the things I absolutely loathe to do. had the oil changed in the suburban, got the inspection sticker, had it washed, gased it up, and am packing!

well attempting to pack. i'm listening to Sheryl Crow's Motivation in hopes that it might generate some real motivation so i can finish packing. the last bit that i need to do is the toiletry bag. i decided to not take the whole bag of stuff. so i have some smaller travel sizes of the stuff i use on a regular basis. there are things you just shouldnt leave home without. a toothbrush is one of them...and chones would be another...but i digress.

today was crazy insane with errands. i think i'm mostly packed now. (I took a slight break to finish up). i also probably have more clothing than i really need. and i hear its supposed to be super cold....

just gotta say i'm looking forward to reading books to my nephews and drinking hot chocolate and making smores...(activities planned during Laura's week of day care). so excited...you dont even know!

had a bday dinner to celebrate my dad's bday. technically its tomorrow and according to our news station he turns five. yeah i know, dont ask! so we got the family friends together for a meal and as always good company! these folks are like family to me - been there to support my parents through a number of situations and i've watched my parents do the same for them. so it was cool to celebrate with them. though my carrot cake turned out to be strawberry so i have to call the bakery tomorrow while i'm on the road! seriously....

alright so random but just had to post this...my friend just said to me, "my computer is like stupid boys!"

i gotta say that some old friends from my past have re-surfaced in my life in recent weeks. its been so sweet and amazing. so glad to have them back and it feels like old days....i can only say that that must be what unconditional love is...its beautiful and amazing and makes me grateful.

i'm partially delirious...going to sleep...an 18 hr trip ahead!

something got a hold of us

i'm packing for my almost month long vacation from this temporary home. feels like just yesterday i was moving into this place and now i've completed a full semester. time flies...

when i first arrived, i thought i was on the cusp of one of the most amazing experiencings of my life. turned out it was just not in the way i thought it would be. funny how life does that to you now and again. i mean - those kinds of curve balls throw us for loops for sure but they also help us to see the really important things in life. curve balls also help us see what we're really made of, what we can endure, and what we want most of life.

i can say that is most definitely the case for me.

it's been a long, hard semester with lots and lots of lessons learned. despite all the changes and difficulties of the semester, there were some amazing moments too! in fact, many beautiful moments. new friendships and the returning of old friends...i'm blessed beyond measure.

there tends to be a natural inclination to cling to relationships that seem to be slipping away. i've learned that sometimes departures are necessary and i've learned that i definitely dont want people in my life who dont want to be in my life. its sometimes painful to let go and even more painful to realize the truth of the situation but in the end, we find that sometimes it was that relationship that hindered us from seeing something else so completely amazing and beautiful in our lives.

no regrets for the semester...some things i think i would've done differently if given the chance, but life can't be rewound and done over. it is what it is...what you've done is done, what you've said has been said...you cant go back and take it back, can't change it...can't make it into something different. you can learn from it, you can grow from it, but it is what it is.

it's a bit bittersweet. i'm definitely excited about the break and yes i will be traveling some super long distances over this one! have more to say but need to get on the road. love, peace, and grace always!

captive, captivated, captivating

i keep thinking to myself: "what's the point in sleeping?" I should feel better prepared than I do given the amount of time I've given to preparing myself  for these three tests. Two tomorrow or rather this morning and one early monday morning. i havent quite decided what to do after but i'm sure a nap will be worked into the plans somewhere.

with monday comes the end of my first semester at Tech. i have alot of mixed feelings about it. i changed my concentration earlier this week and while its not what some would expect i finally felt it was the right thing for me.

there's much i'd like to do in the spirit of the holiday season. time just has not afforded me the opportunities i had so dearly hoped for. i try to find those bright shining moments as i can but they have not been provided to me in luxury this season.

no this season would be a very quiet and still one. yes the madness that is higher education can be felt swirling around me...but the only way i know to describe it is standing in an open field on a cold winter night with just a candle and the stars and moon overhead providing direction and light.

i'm anxious to go home for the break.

ready for spring to arrive though i know that it must wait...

between now and then will come visits from my sweet little nephews. i cant even describe the joy of heart they bring to me when i think about them. so many things in my life have shifted in ways i never thought imagineable. i've not labelled them as good or bad shifts because its just not known yet. just alot of growing, stretching, and yes even tears.

good has come out of this semester...yes that i can see.

i'm grateful for the people in my life. those who have stood by me during this new phase and pursuit of goal in life. grateful for old friends who have returned and for new friendships strengthened by genuine care. i cant say that i have it all figured out. heck i dont even know if i have it partially figured out. i just know that the best i can do for now is to live each moment as best i can.

have i made terrible blunders this year? absolutely...have i had some of the most incredible experiences of my life? without a doubt....and just as always, time will keep moving - seasons will come and go. i know that i have left many disappointed but all i can say is that this is my life, my choices, my one chance to do what i was created/intended to do.

no one else knows that better than God Himself. so i trust and walk fully in Him.

there are some that i wish could see the full scope/picture of what has happened been happening over the last four months but it's just not meant for them to see. i understand that now and though i may be judged for what they perceive to be certain actions or lack of actions - in the end the people who need to know most what is really happening and what my course of action has been are those who do know.

i finally realized that i dont owe anyone any explanations for the road i've been on or the struggles i've endured. the lesson learned...dont judge others and dont compare because you truly dont know what they've been through, are goin through, or where they have been.

the one thing i can say is that i've begun to walk down the path that was paved for me and to carve my own way (the way God's directing) outside of an identity so often assigned to me. i finally tired of apologizing for being who i was created to be and realized if individuals can't accept it then they dont care for me in the way that i thought they did and dont have to be around and...so many aren't. nothing to cry about or over, though its not as painless or flippant as i may make it sound. Reminds me of a Switchfoot song "Don't be there."

Don't be there, don't be there,
'Cause I'm on my way,
And I'm already gone over,
And I'm on my way. hey...

I can't recall myself how I went down,
Did I get shot or shoot myself?

I'm down here, I'm down here,
And you're way up there,
That doesn't hurt, badly,
But it stings right here, hey...

I can't recall myself how I went down,
Did I get shot or shoot myself?

And I won't pretend there's nothing there,
You'll be around and I'll be square.
Don't be alarmed if I'm not there,
You'll be around and I'll be square.

If you're a rose then I'm the thorn
that's in your side,
And does it hurt badly?
'Cause it burns right here.

I can't recall myself how I went down,
did I get shot or shoot myself?

I'd like to say hello,
I'd like to say I care,
I'd like to let you know,
That nothing here's the same with me,
Nothing here's the same.

And I can't recall myself how I went down,
Did I get shot or shoot myself?

And I won't pretend there's nothing there,
You'll be around and I'll be square.
Don't be alarmed if I'm not there,
You'll be around and I'll be square.
Don't be around, Don't be there,
Don't be there.

It's a completely beautiful song but i won't get into its meaning. just to say that sometimes this realization/process is to be a part of the life we must live.

for me in the present: nothing is the same - it never could be.

no melodramatics, no waterworks, no regrets...it is what it is...and just like after all the other major and pivotal moments in life, i'll keep moving forward - keep taking steps - keep attempting to remain faithful to the truth in my heart because at the end of the day, its all i know to do.

back to the books...i am eagerly waiting for the end.....

as always - louda

Video from Matt Chandler

Video from Matt

I had to post this simply because I was greatly encouraged and humbled after watching today.

I've met Matt a number of times but can't say that he would remember my name or even my face. I first met him while he was attending Hardin Simmons where he helped with Grace, a collegiate service. Jeff Berry was leading worship at the time and our own band, Signet, from the ASU BSM would often make trips up to GRACE to observe, viewing Jeff Berry as a sort of mentor/role model.

The one thing I can remember about Matt way back then was his willingness to serve and his jokes! He was quite the character then and given his servant heart, easy to see back then, it was no surprised to find him pastoring at The Village several years later.

There's an odd sort of connection there with The Village. I remember going to visit with a friend who had just moved into the Dallas area and who wanted to check out the Village. Given Matt's growing reputation, I was also eager to visit his new congregation and was doubly surprised to find Gilbert Montez serving there (now as Director of Communications). Turns out Gilbert knew my friend and in fact had been the one to invite him.

So given the recent news about Matt's health/situation; I found his video, posted on his church's website, humbling to say the least. I agree with his words and message, continue to pray for his family and situation, and am grateful for all blessings bestowed upon my own life - more than you could know.

Makes finals seem trivial and the stress of finals immaterial, frivolous, and paltry...in short, his message puts things into perspective! So no matter what you are going through I hope you find joy in your situation and will remember Matt's words.

Thank you Father for all things...for all the good and for those things I may think aren't so good!

Words of Wisdom

I received a forward today titled "45 Life Lessons" by Regina Brett. There are a few of these I can completely relate to but either way - wanted to share with all of you! It's easy to get caught up in the craziness of life or to let others drag you into it!

Hope you're weeks are going well. Will post soon. I promise. In the midst of finals with final cases/homework due in the next few days! So ready for the break and not quite sure where I'll be for the next month! It's kinda nice to not know or not have plans, or to not have to be somewhere! LOL.

"45 Life Lessons" By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

perfectly done

"When things go wrong as they sometimes will;
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill;
When the funds are low, and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but have to sigh;
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but do not quit.
Success is failure turned inside out;
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;
And you can never tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit-
It's when things go wrong that you must not quit."

~ Unknown

“If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant; if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome.”

~ Anne Bradstreet

"A difficult time can be more readily endured if we retain the conviction that our existence holds a purpose - a cause to pursue, a person to love, a goal to achieve."

~ John Maxwell

"The line between failure and success is so fine that we scarcely know when we pass it - so fine that we often are on the line and do not know it.”

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.”

~ Mark Twain

For I the Lord thy God shall hold thy right hand and say unto thee, fear not for I will help you.

Isaiah 41:13

a little more...

interesting day today. my car failed to start due to a light i left on. thank goodness for some nice people who live in my complex. got my battery boosted and i was off to the races. walking across the commuter lot to the bus hutch to wait for the next bus was like walking a frozen tundra.

tomorrow's forecast calls for a high of 32 degrees and a 30% chance of snow. welcome to the panhandle!

so after finally getting to school, i get to class and after proceeded back home. had a nice quiet lunch and worked on some projects due in the next few days and started to get a jump start on studying.

took a nice break to talk to an old friend, not that she's old, but in that i've known her since i was in elementary. the conversation was genuine and it felt like old times. i'd almost forgotten what that was like. i dont understand why but there have been alot of re-entries of old friends into my life in the last few months. completely welcomed and has made me realize the amount of love in my life. sometimes hard to see...

its almost as if God knew i'd need to see it and see it NOW. i've had such bittersweet and solitary moments in the last few weeks. i had joked with my best friend about having a 30 day mourning period...just realizing that some things should just be let go. its hard to relinquish what once was or what you thought would be...hard to let it go for uncertainty and unfamiliarity. its bittersweet because while it can be painful you know that what's coming is better and what's to come could never come in your current state.

once again abstract.

just 11 more days until the end of the semester, at least for me. my last final is Dec 14tha nd i'm trying to decide where to spend my winter break. classes start back up Jan 13. hard to believe the year is coming to an end. i'm sure i'll do some year-end reflecting. just won't be tonite.

i'd like to talk about my experience at "Carol of Lights" tonight on campus. i ended up going by myself which i think surprised some people but i really wanted to go and everyone was working on cases or had class. so i decided a bit last minute but managed to get there early enough to find a parking spot by the library and walk over. i didnt think it was going to be as cold as it was....

i'd never been to one of these things so i was kinda curious to see what it was all about. the processional led by the Masked Rider, Raider Red, and the Saddle Tramps lasted about 25 minutes but the bell tower was chiming christmas music just before. there were tons of people so it was a bit festive almost a buzz in the air with excitement. so i find a spot and this group of guys ends up behind me. i have to say a big "thank you" to the sarcastic humor of this group...kept me laughing most of the night. so i'm thinking ok when the lights come on I better be wowed!

well wowed i was but not in a good way...needless to say...i'm glad i went and took part in some school tradition. something i had promised myself i'd do. i short changed myself, in terms of a normal college experience, the first time around for a number of reasons. given the opportunity to set things right the second time, i had decided i wanted to take advantage of all i could. hoping to do more of that in the semester to come but i'll blog about that later.

i had to run back home after because i forgot about an errand i needed to run. so i managed to defrost before heading back out..ran the errand and headed over to Barnes and Noble.

i dont know what it is about bookstores that leaves me in awe....i mean i really love books. like the library in the British Museum...holy cow! not that cows are holy...but you get my drift. its like "aaaahhhhhh" and then the "hallelujah chorus" starts right after. so yeah...needed to find a book i'd been looking for and had forgotten about a gift card i received from graduation. so i found two books and the end transaction cost me $3.80! so thank you gift card and giver of the gift card.

met up with a friend for a quiet dinner and then headed home. have to say that today was a nice departure from the week and its only wednesday. i'm completely grateful for the little things...still trying to work through some of the major things...but over all..the light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter and i'm breathing easier than i have in a long while.

have an interview tomorrow...praying it goes well. will spend most of the day working on a case study and actually studying. i know dont faint. i need to insure my "a's" will remain "a's" and the only way to do that is to know the material and know it well for finals. the countdown to the end of semester 1 has begun!

it's been one of the hardest semesters but i have hope that it will be better than this...

Christmas time is here....

so there's a story behind this song but i'm to tired to write about it...so i'll just leave you with the song and will explain tomorrow! night!

had to post this one too...

Let go

the irony...stats test this morning and my brain is swimming. with what? last week...this week...next week...

i stopped studying sometime around 7am this morning because honestly...i just dont care. i should but in the grand scheme of things, it just doesnt seem that relevant. i could stress over it and be worried but what good would that do? it would only cause me to lose my focus on the other 99 million things that need my attention to finish out this semester well. there's plenty more on my plate and stress only leads to anxiety which leads to distraction. no, don't need any of that.

ok so i know that i should proably address my last post about my frantic departure from the thanksgiving festivities. once again, details will be minimal. just to say that the events of the day can all be traced back to miscommunication from a usual source and that led to dramatic/climatic events which i just couldn't stomach.

did i get turkey, laughter, love, and all the pie i could eat? in short, no. not by any means...

no my thanksgiving day meal included whataburger at 10:30 pm after arriving back home. yes i know...for some of you, i know that may sound "delicious" but i don't eat those kinds of foods except in extreme circumstances so it was by no means a "great joy" to be choking down sticks of death and a burger at that hour...but i was starved, cooking was not an option, and wasn't feeling well.

i had to do a bit of soul searching and needed to face more realizations. my only sadness is that it took something so drastic for me to see what should have been clear as day. i learned something about empowerment and learned something about making others happy: i can do something about empowerment and i can do nothing about making others happy.

there's a "debbie downer" in my life that has quite literally zapped the life and energy out of me. outwardly i didn't feel stressed but what i realized is that i'd been surpressing what i really felt to make others happy - a sacrifice i'm not longer willing to make. I also realized that no matter what I do, someone is going to find fault with my decisions and so....my decisions should be my own and made for myself not for others.

i also realized that where i'm at is not my "home" by any means. i came here thinking i would have a strong support system but any level of support that i have here will be leaving come August. i thought why sacrifice the joys of life to be "here" for something that simply doesn't exist. i might as well go where i know it does - and yes, there is such a place.

so here's the official announcement unbeknownst to my parents (will tell them this weekend) - I will not be going to law school at Tech regardless of my application outcome. i've stated before that i needed the isolation that being here brings - necessary lessons along with necessary departures: a requirement in the process of life. sometimes you need drought like conditions to flourish - like some dessert flowers/plants.

I didn't completely understand it until i had a deep/light hearted conversation with some old friends over an iced mocha (also known as frozen hot chocolate). the plan became clear in that moment and it was like the light bulb magically lit. not really, but it was if you will, an "ah-ha" moment for me.

all the things i had been praying for or at least most of them - made clear as day and it was accompanied by peace. no irrational thinking, no decision making based on emotion - no...this was a "my situation cannot remain as it is - what should i do?"

now - i will say my decision to throw my luggage in my car and come back Thanksgiving Day was rash. and yes, i did totally flip my lid. Can't even lie about that...but at the time, it seemed the best decision. in hind sight, i still think it was. i needed to recover both emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically. I had some time away to think clearly through the situation and get to the root of the issue. i can't lay complete blame in other parties and can/will only be responsible for my part.

i also realized that i was harboring more than i thought possible which is contributing to my consistent colds and not feeling well over the last three months. enough with that...working on living life in a happier state and that means eliminating negativity and negative elements in my life. I just cant deal with it anymore/rather i dont want to deal with it anymore...as in i might seriously have a nervous break down if i don't recover my stores to full health.

i truly want happiness for all the people in my life and for all the people i love deeply, but i can't generate happiness for them and from all appearances to some i appear to be a source of irritation for whatever reason. it's ok...again nothing dramatic but i'm not going to continue to remain where i'm not welcomed. i've lived, i've learned, and am now moving forward.

in the present - i'm exhausted and i know that the next few weeks are going to put me to the test...that's what school's all about, no? its ok..i'm ready for the challenge and returned home with clarity of mind. working on building up the stores to be fully prepared for the weeks to come.

not sure how christmas is going to shake down and not even sure where i'm spending it but i just know that i don't want to endure another "thanksgiving fiasco." there's no negative connotations associated with fiasco here...it took the events of the day to drive me to some much needed realizations and for that i'm completely grateful. its like the "captive is free" type stuff.

headed to statistics and to the "test" of the day...ready or not: here I come.

p.s. i do believe a donut and diet dp may be in order for the morning!

let me forget

after a disasterous day, I decided to come back to the peace and quiet of my home. i was leaving to take a break from the stress i was encountering here but ended up finding more than i bargained for.

returning was the lessor of the two evils.

still not feeling well. in fact, i'm feeling worse so i'm looking forward to a couple of days of peaceful and quiet rest. will try to spend some time studying, doing homework, and getting ready for finals.

i know my departure was unforeseen and i bolted like there was no tomorrow, but seriously I had to get back for my own sanity and the safety of everyone involved. it was best.

weekend did not go as i had hoped or had planned. But i'm also realize that things can't remain as they are. the things i once tolerated, i'm no longer willing to tolerate. nothing dramatic about it, just is what it is.

desperately need to sleep. will see how i feel in the morning.

In Repair

Thought I'd post one last bit before the weekend ensues.

Getting dressed to head out with the family for Thanksgiving Lunch and all that it encompasses. So ready for the laughs, company, and incredible food. With three chefs at the helm, its gotta be great! We started the festivities last night with a surprise party for not one but two cousins! Completely caught them off guard which was awesome! Then it was off to the races to prepare my assigned dishes for today's meal.

Most everything was shipped off with my brother headed to my cousins where indoubtedly, we'll spend most if not all of the day. Not sure what else is in store for the weekend but just know I have got to get some studying and homework done. No Black Friday sales for me! :(

It's ok. I've not been feeling well for a few weeks now. Have more or less an idea of what it is but have set up appointments for after the winter break. Nothing serious as of now just praying that it won't require any extensive medical  intervention. I've managed to go this long without it so I'm hoping that will be the case for a bit longer. We shall see...

Allergies are actin up again...darn cold front...all that dust being blown around. So just trying to contain and minimize symptoms. I do not want to be sick during finals. I was last year and it was miserable! Makes studying almost, if not near impossible.

Ok so I'm sure you're thinking, John Mayer? In Repair? Is there some hidden message there? No...there's not. Though I can say I relate to the song a bit and if I really am honest, have been there for a long, long while...starting to see light at the end of the tunnel.

The version of this that I really like is from ACL a few years ago....click on ACl and it will take you to the video link. My brother and I were at ACL that year and saw this performance live. I was going through transition then and as I look back I see that it was truly for the best. That difficult time in my life led to some of the most amazing accomplishments and events. So being thankful for adversity /challenges seems to be a continued theme for today's post. what can I say? it's where i'm at...and i just gotta be honest about that.

I can't believe the year has come and is almost gone. I'm definitely attempting to make th emost of the time left. Keeping my head up and remaining positive about my situation knowing that hope and true love never fails...and that is found only in Jesus/the Father.

What's been really awesome about this journey is that for one I've learned so much but even more so learned about myself more than i thought possible. I've been able to see how life connects in a way that's much like a puzzle or links along a railroad. I can't control others...can't make decisions for them...can't make them do what i want...all i can do is attempt to do the best with what i have. Be fair and good to people...love always, hope always, and be gracious always. Easier said than done by far.

There's much to work on for 2010 and while i'd like to jump ahead and ponder on the possbilities. I know better. oh no...no expectations this time around. Just going to get on the train and enjoy the ride. A far different approach. So thankful for people who love because they love God and desire to honor Him. Grateful for words of encouragement, for lives and journeys shared, for quiet moments, for beauty found in landscape, lessons learned, moments lived, and experiences remembered.

My goal for 2010 is to leave people better than I found them  and I pray that all the experiences of 2009 in the end made me a better person. In the last month of this year, I hope to do my best to bring honor and glory only where its due.

Wishing and praying for a day of rest, peace, family, and love for each of you!

thanksgiving and thankful giving

So much to be thankful for. It’s easy to look at what we may not have or what we may want but seems to be missing from our lives. Sorta' that whole cup half full/half empty thing.

I prefer to look at it from a different angle: a cup that runeth over.

This day has been insane. Filled with lots of changes and uncertainty.

Really...that has been my year.

I've moved from silent observer to active participant: such a huge shift.

Challenges and difficulties had to be part of the process...those things make us grow: help us to see life from new angles and gain fresh perspectives. They also stretch us and sometimes painfully so. It's all necessary if we're ever to arrive to that next mile marker in the road.

I can't look at what I don't have or what I think I need. To do so says that the God, I profess to have the ability to provide for all my needs, can't meet those needs. That's simply just not true.

So I look at what I do have: the blessings I've been given...the beautiful people in my life, the opportunities afforded to me...and the places I've been carried through to arrive at this junction in the road.

Life has been soooo beautifully complicated in the last few months. I know, I know. I'm moving towards simplicity but sometimes you gotta' unravel the complications to get to the simplistic: that's my process now. It’s not a nice feeling, but necessary. Oh so necessary.

I oscillate between frustration and peace; happiness and disappointment; irritation and love. The frailty and beauty of my humanity.

I'm not going to divulge the issues at heart. It’s not any one given situation or any one single relationship. Much more like many things changing and moving into new directions at once. It can be overwhelming and can definitely knock you off your feet. But even for that, I'm grateful.

Driving home, I spent a lot of time considering those things most important in my life and why. It’s hard to love difficult people and Lord knows I've had some of those in my life recently. I've thought about unconditional love and the possibilities of where I'd be without it. Thought about sacrifices made and the journeys of the people I love most.

Something’s are better left unsaid and so I have kept silent about many things because in many instances, I've just not been sure. I don't like presumptions to be made of me and so I work to not make presumptions of others or of situations.

While I'm generally happy about being where I'm at for the present, I've come to realize I don’t want to remain there long (meaning my physical location). There's a sort of isolation that occurs from being that far north that for the moment is necessary but not one I'm extremely excited about.

This is huge partly because I expected to be there for a few years more. I'm exploring other options though they are not ones I've previously publicly spoken about. I may have mentioned them briefly as considerations but have never given these options a high priority on the list of locations. Again the ambiguities - I know.

There's more praying to be done but I believe a new shift has already begun.

While this season has not been easy, I can say that yes I am grateful for it. I'm grateful for the lessons learned, the tears shed, the prayers prayed, the family and friends loved...and for each moment given as a gift. Life is a gift. No matter what we face or where we may go.

I've been afforded many, many, many blessings in this last year. Major mile markers in my life and while some left me on a mountain top others found me in a valley. It is life...so while most give thanks for the blessings, I must give thanks for the challenges. For those people who have been thorns in my side or caused immeasurable pain...who have tried to thwart plans or throw wrenches in the works to deter plans...thank you...

You don’t know who you really are or what you're really made of until you face adversity. It’s when you are challenged that who you really are emerges and is tested. Without challenges, without adversity - life would be easy and choices clear...but it’s the wake of adversity and challenges that make hard work necessary and the rewards sweeter.

I don’t think I could understand the true beauty of the love of TRUE friends if it weren't for the flakiness of fair weather friends. I most certainly appreciate my true friends much more genuinely because of it. In knowing and embracing truth, it is then that we can pick out deceit and the counterfeits.

I’ve thought about that a lot. Thought about the kind of friend/family member I am to those in my life. Thought about what I give my energies too and what I focus my time on...thought about those things most important to my life and the priorities I’ve developed. It’s been eye-opening for sure and challenging.

I’ve said challenging a bit in this one...but it’s true...

I am most thankful for challenges...thankful for being put to the test and for hard work. It makes us better people always and keeps us honest in a way we need most.

So thank you Father for all the wonderful things you have brought to my life and things you have done and even for the things you have decided not to bring to my life and decided not to do. Thank you for challenges, thank you for pressing me, and thank you for loving me enough to discipline me. At times, it doesn’t feel great, but I know it’s necessary to spur me on to greatness and the plans you have for me. There is a beauty in pain that leads to redemption and brings me to light.

Lovesick but not in the way you might presume....

Feeling like:

I’m a shipwreck a sailor lost at sea. You’re a tidal wave and you're crashing over me. Caught in your current and I’m sinking but drowning peacefully.

Will be up in a few hours to make stuffing, sweet potato casserole, and my infamous Southern Banana Split Cake.

Wishing everyone a Happy Thanksgiving.

May your day be filled with lots of love, laughter, family, friends, and all the pie you can eat!

suitcases and shoes

Started writing this Nov 23rd:

i've been trying to write this blog for the last hour or so. i should probably be in bed sleeping but my nap earlier this afternoon did me in.

cold front blew through, unbeknownst to me, and i was out for the count. with all the cotton farming going on, alot of dirt is being kicked up triggering massive allergies. not fun stuff but i'm dealing with it. the only problem is that when i take allergy meds during the day i tend to be a bit foggy and want to sleep which is why i took a nap today.

woke up in a haze with enough time to make a solid attempt at taming my "bad-hair-day" hair. why was i trying to tame my hair? cause  i was having dinner with a good friend at our usual spot. those meals have been a saving grace in so many ways! first its just good healthy food, second good company, and third great conversation. fellowship does something to the soul that i can't quite put into words right now (my brain is in the process of shutting down).

Continued Nov 25th:

the trip home was super zas fast. i managed to fall into a group of students travelling home so i was able to "fly like the wind." made it home in less than 3 hours which was nice.

i dont know what i was thinkin when i was packing, but i evidently forgot i was only going to be gone 5 nights and 6 days cause i brought enough cloths to last a couple of weeks. like i might of brought more with me home than i did when i went to europe for a month! ish...lol...so that meant three bags. one for cloths, one for shoes, and another one with miscellaneous stuff...

it was late when i started packing and i was not in a conservative space saving type mood. no, it was...ok this is more or less what i need...throw it in the bag! the clothes are nicely folded etc...but i didnt really plan out what i'm wearing on what day. its gonna be an outfit toss-up for the next few days! love it!

i realize that it's late and i'm up watching Transformers II. actually, i spent most of the evening watchin movies. And....drum roll please, i made chocolate chip cookies. it was a nice quiet evening and my brain got to decompress a bit.

still trying to figure out what to do with my phone. will try to sort that out by the weekend. have a feeling this thanksgiving is gonna be a bit laid back and that's perfectly ok with me. gonna be nice to not have to prepare everything! HP it's all you!

hmmmm so yeah...all i have to prepare is my famous stuffing and sweet potato casserole and maybe my southern banana split cake...we'll see.

gonna keep things low key for the remainder of the week. gonna try to get in some studying before heading back to LBK. checked out the forecast and we might be getting some snow! whooo hooo...

not exactly excited about the cold. mainly cause i gotta be in and out of the cold to get to and from class. its not like good ole ASU park by the building and walk in...

no, my journey involves a commuter lot, standing out in the cold waiting for a bus, getting on the bus (which is usually warm), then getting off the bus and taking a brisk walk into the building and repeating that back out to my car. its lots of fun...especially when you have to cross the street and pray that a bus doesnt come barreling down the road and run you over or a car for that matter...

I have to say that Lubbock drivers are THE WORST I've ever seen...and i've been all over...including ITALIAN drivers..and let me just say that they are pretty bad.

ok so speaking of Italian drivers, I saw Angels and Demons tonight with my parents which I originally saw in a theater in Rome in both Italian and English. completely awesome experience. so watching the movie brought back so many memories! and of course most of the sites in the movie, i actually visited or got to see....so that was cool...just made me thankful for this year and some of the experiences I was blessed to be a part of.

hard to believe that i'm at Tech and in grad school...seemed like it would never happen though i know that's not true at all...but getting to that point in the road was a major undertaking. i love where i live now...and am slowly getting acclamated to life in a new place. getting to know more people in my program which is cool and trying to convince old friends to come up and be a part of it.

anyhow...been pretty amazing and gave me much to be thankful for. then there's my totally awesome parents who i just cant say enough about. honestly if it werent for them, i dont know where i'd be in the pursuit of this dream.

so i'm glad to spend this holiday season with good friends and family. so very necessary.

which brings me to the topic of my next blog: family. i realized something today. but its late and i want to sleep!

so i'm gonna leave you with this video from an old school song...dont know why it popped into my head today but reminds me of my bro and the "back-in-the-days" days! lol...alright...nighty nites!

P.S. enjoy the video!

Let me in

I had to post this video...thought it was the most hilarious, cutest, sadest thing i'd ever seen! I love this song and love the interpretation of the maker of this video! ok so here it is:

Let Me In
by Save Ferris

Claude Kelly

I just heard a song that almost completely describes what i've been feelin in the last few days. blagh!

don't you just hate that?

i've been working on a few posts pertaining to specific subjects. just like a work of art, they arent quite ready yet. trying to gather my thoughts and organize them so that they dont come across as convoluted. coming at a number of topics from several differing viewpoints. the nature of conversations, observations, readings, lessongs learned, etc...

i've come to that junction in the road where i'm startin over the massive hill and steam rollin towards the finish line. YES! The semester will soon come to a close. we're less than three weeks away from finals and can we say "STRESS" and "CRUNCH TIME." for the most part, i'm feel pretty calm about the chaotic work load related to school.

alot of other things going on in my life as well. i'd rather not think about any of it until i get through the semester. kinda like deal with the aftermath. i dont recommend it by any means but i just dont have the energies to deal with certain "dramas" right now. i'm doing good to keep my brain wrapped around stats, finance, and marketing....

distractions - you are not welcomed...and as i posted on facebook. Mr Drama Llama you are not my friend!

my parents will be here over the weekend for our last TTU home game. excited and ready to be home for a while. get to spend 5 days at home! i can say that i've come to really really really appreciate my parents on so many levels in the last few months. cant say enough about their love and support. no questions asked just providing what i need when i need it. if that's not God's unconditional love then i must be blind!

i've been asked quite a bit over the last few weeks if i like TTU and the MBA program here. I can say without a shadow of a doubt that "yes, i do really like it." gotten to know some great people pursuing goals and chasing after dreams. its beautiful - really. new people in my life that have provided alot of encouragement and "you-can-do-it"-ness!

i'm not looking forward to winter here though...i've gotten glimpses of it as cold fronts have moved on through and whewwww!!!! its BRRRR RABBIT up in the LBK. i've got my wool coats out including the scarves, gloves, and next purchase will include some golashes. it floods like a beast on campus.

working on the first posting for the singled out womens' online bible study. whew...that's a mouth full. so i've been rereading through the first chapter of our text and waiting on my study guide to come in. but making notes in the margins and such.

This latest project has provided alot of focus and encouragement. Super excited to see where it leads us and what comes of it.

my current project is cleaning my apt since my parents will be arriving later this evening. trying to finish up lanudry and get things put away and such like books, notes, notebooks, laptops, etc...lots of papers from homework, case studies, and reading. ish! i even went through like 60 pairs of socks and matched them with their pairs! lol...insanity. i mean who has that many pairs of socks to begin with and this coming from the lady who likes to run around in chanclas all the time.

i had to check the weather this morning cause i seriously wanted to wear chanclas but it was toooooo cold! glad i decided against that one cause at the bus stop this morning around 10:30 the wind was blowin and yea...so glad i was wearing a full coverage shoe!

so back to this cleaning stuff: I just have to say that I have mad respect for people with families who do the work/school thing full-time! blessings to you and hope you all have a great weekend.

Thanksgiving is moving fast upon us and I have lots to be thankful for this season! Be sure to give thanks for the blessings in your life too!

i'm not a super buffet

You can't turn back the hands of time and change what's already transpired, can't change your circumstances or make your experience into something other than what it was to begin with. Sure you can learn: and in learning and growing your past can be transformed into something used positively in and for the future. But you can’t make it altogether disappear.

We've all heard it said that time heals all wounds and I have to say from my own experiences: yes, it most certainly does. It almost seems that time moves more slowly during those periods though. Why is that? We've all experienced loss on some level. The death of a loved one, a broken relationships, or dreams gone awry; something we wanted more than anything on the planet and then watched it slip through our fingers into the abyss. Sometimes it was for our good and other times because of our own actions. Sometimes we understand exactly why it must be so and other times we're left bewildered and dumbfounded.

I can only say that it’s a process and that on one day we feel a certain way and then another we don't. Emotions/feelings don't last forever and eventually we begin to see the sun peeking through the clouds making way for brighter days and newer seasons to arrive.

This seems to be the season of heartache. Many of you have gone through break-ups or are going through difficult times with significant others currently. Don't worry: I'm not pinpointing anyone specific but if we've had a conversation about it, then you know I'm talking to you. I don't have any answers as to the why's or when's. I can only say thank you for sharing with me your journeys and for trusting me with your feelings. 

I know it's not been easy and I can't say when better days will come, but I know EACH of you will survive this season. You won't be victims: you will be better, stronger, and more secure because of it. I pray for each of you and know that God is with you, seeing you through and in those tough moments when the emotions well, know that He's there willing and ready to listen. Climb into His lap and let Him know how you feel...and then when it’s all been said and done, let it go.

There's more I'd like to say but I need some time to develop my thoughts with the right combination of words. The issue has to do with maintaining the integrity of my views on anonymity. I've never been one to really mask what I feel or how I see things. I've been told by many that I wear my heart on my sleeve and there are definitely moments when I alternate between leaving people clueless as to what I'm thinking or how I feel and moments when there are no doubts as to what I think or how I feel.

Life in recent months has taken a lot of unexpected turns, both for me and my family and I've had to face some stark realizations. I don't gloss over and pretend something is when it isn't. A long, long time ago, I once did and out of the painful results of doing so, I decided I didn't want to be "that girl." By incorporating some really honest and straight-forward people in my life, I’ve managed to stay on the straight and narrow keeping/maintaining as "right” of a perspective/view as possibly given my range of "crazy life" experiences.

I was reading through some past blogs and went through some old journals recently. Just needed to gain some perspective on what I once thought I wanted of this life, what I’d felt God wanted for me, and then ultimately seek what God really DOES want for me.

Digging into the past can be painful and all in the same moment can be so completely joyful. You have the opportunity to see where you've come and what you've been carried through into the present. Hindsight is powerful and often you gain a very different view of your situation/circumstances. Unfortunately, we're not afforded with that luxury ahead of time to guide us in the choices/decisions we make. That kind of hindsight might deter us from some necessary lessons.

Many of you are aware that I took a very, very long hiatus from organized ministry. So many reasons but in short...I just really needed to step back from voices I'd given place in my life....voices in leadership that said "oh you have this talent or are great at this and should be doing this or involved in this or you're a leader assist us with this" and led me along these paths as "partners." Well that was just as long as I was the "yes" man and in complete agreement, everything was gravy but the very moment I voiced concerns or raised opposition, gone like a bolt of lightning these people they were...and too many times I felt I was left holding the bag.

Reminds me of June Cash and her story to Johnny about being the little boy with his finger in the dam wall. It is for that reason I'm so very cautious and often times at distrust with individuals. So many promises...so many spoken pretty words and very little action backing those words. It is also for that reason that I don't trust words unless they are backed by action.

Maybe it shouldn’t be that way, something Jesus and I are working on, but it is what it is. So for me, I needed to step outside of that and see clearly and hear clearly outside of those voices. I learned how to better detect wolves in sheep clothing and to be smarter about the choices I make concerning how and what I decide to be involved in and with. It also made me realize the following: 

I am who I am, faults and all. You don’t get to pick and choose what you like and re-assemble me into something you want. I'm not a super buffet. It's all or nothing and the only one who has the power and right to make any changes is God and God alone. Unconditional love is loving despite their faults because true love isn't about self and what I want.

I've watched too many individuals take that approach to relationships. The "let me pick and choose what I want, let me be conditional in my feelings for you" approach. As long as it’s convenient for you, as long as you stand to gain, as long as I benefit you - only then am I allowed to be involved and part of your life or given place. The moment it becomes too difficult or beyond the effort you want to give...you walk...such sadness...

(Please know I’m not talking specifically about myself. Merely using "I/You" in a generality.)

Taking that kind of approach to any relationship can cause you to miss out on something beautiful and amazing. I hear several of my friends going through this experience and see them in pain, and honestly...my heart breaks for them. Each of them (my friends) is so uniquely gifted with different perspectives and offerings: all super great God loving people. It makes me sad to see them walking through this. That makes me sad that some people don’t see that beauty and don’t appreciate it in the same way. 

My own experiences have left me in a state where I can say that I can relate. It’s never easy to face realities and to confront truths that hurt but that's exactly where healing begins...in truth. First, in being honest with yourself and then in continuing to maintain that honesty and moving forward. Easier said than done for certain.

There are some things/situations I’d like to forget altogether; just completely erase them from my mind, but that's not possible. No...we must deal and walk through the consequences of our choices. In the end, it makes us better people, I’m sure of it. Makes us more aware of God's love for us and makes us grateful that He's not a man that He should lie but is with US ALWAYS.

God never gives us more than we can handle and never leaves us on the road alone: something I remind myself of always. I know that on the bus rides going from school to my car when I start to stare into nowhere cause my thoughts wander to situations in my life that He's there with me. He's constantly reminding me that all things are under His control even when it doesn’t seem so.

A year ago I lost one of my cats. Came back from a trip to find he had passed on. Apart from losing my grandmother so many years ago, I’ve never experienced that kind of loss. I didn't realize how much I loved that cat until he was gone. I cried for three days solid and simply could not understand why I was so saddened by his departure.

A friend of mine called me to see how I was doing. My response was, "I don’t know why I'm crying, he was just a cat!" I couldn’t see it clearly at the time...but love has a funny way of sneaking up on you sometimes. I fell in love with Señor Poochie...his funny way of meowing at me or playing catch with me had somehow captured my affections.

In his absence, I finally fully realized just how deeply I cared and loved him. A year later, I still miss him...still love him but my memories of him are different now. I don’t immediately think about his stinky breath or how he'd meow in my face at 5am to be feed...No, my memories are of his crazy antics of bringing me his toys to play fetch with and how he'd sit with me watching TV. Cracks me up now.

The point being that yes it took some time to get to a positive place a place where I could think of him and not cry but I eventually did. The first few days after he was gone were the hardest and most painful....but I can say that I didn't feel that same pain when I walked the stage at graduation (6 months later) or boarded a plane to Italy or even moved to Lubbock...and while the loss of a human relationship is not the same as that of a pet by any means...the idea regarding "time and healing" is.

Listening to you and reflecting on my own experiences, I was reminded of a Bonnie Raitt song, "You can’t make someone love you"...how true...can’t make them choose to stay, can’t make them decide to do what it takes to make things work...can't make them love you the way you want to be loved.

All you can do is be responsible for you and your choices and at the end of the day you have to trust that God will make what you give be more than enough for the right person. This is Allison Iraheta's version of that song...

After re-reading this blog, I had some additional thoughts to add in regards to "not being able to make someone love you." I thought about my relationship with God. Isn't that what He wants of me? For me to love Him because He is who He is and without reservation? Will post an additional blog about this in the next few days (11-22-09)

love you all: continuing to pray that brighter days arrive sooner than later...

Rev Run Wisdom and wisdom from others...

ain't that the truth!

Ladies: Trying to forget someone u love, is like trying to remember someone u never knew... Impossible!

he's rackin them up tonight. here's another one:

The worst thing is holding on to someone who doesnt want to be held on to.. real talk

more words of wisdom, this time from my best friend:

There is freedom in saying the things you should have said but didn't because of fear.

for a friend going through some stuff

statistically speaking

it finally happened. my phone is bah-roke. service is supposed to be de-activated until i can figure out exactly what i'm going to do. at the moment, i can receive calls but cannot make any nor receive any text messages, so if you try to call or send a text and i dont respond, yeah that's why....

i really really dislike Sprint. hate might be a better description of how i feel towards their service/product, but i'm attempting to remain positive today so we'll just use dislike for now.

i've been teeter-tottering about staying with sprint or jumping ship to another service provider.

the last time i went without phone service was while i was away overseas during the summer and then just delayed turning service back on for a few weeks. it was kinda nice! so maybe i'll enjoy the break.

i'm in stats and seriously, this is sad....my class is sad i mean. about 1/3 of the class is actually here and most look comatose already and we're just 30 min into the lecture. im just glad i was smart enough to save my materials from my undergrad stat work so i can rely on that for assistance.

i'm thinking today might be a arts and crafts day. i need some creativity in my life after having to deal with some jabroni's in my life. i'm trying to rid my life of idiotic drama on almost every level. More importantly...learning to walk away from drama and people who only care about themselves. i cant do anything for those kinds of people and honestly - dont want to surround my life with those kinds of personalities. been there, done that and all i can say is that it's draining...as in drains the life, joy, and energy outta ya.

yeah - cant do that anymore. i got enough on my plate to be concerned with dont need to add anything in addition to what is absolutely necessary. again, i'll reiterate - dont make assumptions here...you probably dont know exactly what i'm talkin about. in fact - i can almost guarantee you dont know what i'm talking about.

that seems to be the danger about blogging. people sometimes assume the subject matter you're bloggin about refers to them which sometimes - yeah it is...sometimes its a combination of situations, and sometimes its someone elses situation.

when referring to someone else's situation, i try to put it into my perspective so as not to expose the party that the subject is related to - most especially when i dont have permission to use the person's identity in the situation. i try to maintain a bit of sensitivity in that regard. some situations - its better not to identify the parties involved...would only cause more drama for them and that is never my intention.

all i gotta say is that i'm done dealing with rude people....

i woke up this mornin' determined to make the most of the day. challenges are in my wake and i'm not exactly looking forward to any of it, but hey - sometimes you just gotta "buck up" and do what's gotta be done. (ok people are droppin outta this class like flies!)

it's been a tough, tough semester. i made some decisions back in august that i'm now dealing with the consequences of. should've stuck with the plan and instead i took a risk and deviated. cant say i haven't learned anything from it, because i totally did...

but you know...when you ask the Father to open a door and provide and then when He does, and you go and slam the door in His face...yeah...not a good thing by any means! and that was one HARD lesson to learn. i've since repented from the error of my ways and am working to make things right. let me just say, i defintely don't want to do that again.

you live, you learn...that is the way of the world. i'd prefer to live, ask, listen, obey, then learn...definitely a much better way to go...probably with less heartbreaking moments as well. but no, sometimes i'm "terca" which i'm learning sometimes lands me in tough spots i could've avoided.

one of my closest friends gave me a quote, "wisdom is learning from experience, preferably not your own." so true, so true. that is my hope with my writings...that maybe you'll learn somethin and can avoid the pitfalls i sometimes succumb to but even greater in purpose, that you might walk away with hope - that yeah you can do more than survive in this thing called life. above the "cannon ball runs" with the drama llama, i can say that i'm blessed beyond measure.

life sometimes gets rough/hard but i know beyond any shadow of a doubt that God's with me always. it is the one promise, i am most CERTAIN of (there are others of course but it is the one i'm most confident about). so when things look like they're getting ugly...i remind myself that, i'm not alone in this.

when things are good, i remind myself of that too. its easy to forget when things are good and so i'm grateful for tough moments in life. tough moments remind me of who's really in control. its not me, for sure!!! and just when it seems everything is going to crumble, God always comes through and provides exactly what i need when i need it. how can i weep and wallow over that? its more than i deserve and that has a definite way of bringin' humility and clarity to the things that are most important in life.

i'm upon that part of the road where endurance is being tested. as i look back from where i've come, its too far to go back - just gotta keep pressing forward - not only that, but why would i want to go back. living life abundantly and free can often become convoluted and entangled by our own self-imposed encumbrances. oh no, thank you! hence blockin the drama llama.

i gotta dedicate this post to my peoples....fly girl/blanche, silent smoker/sophia, vanilla ice, jenny from the block/hp/rick, rox rox, B Ram, god bless you, and the SA fashionistas...you have made me laugh, crazy mad - sometimes to the point of tears,  bringing such great measure of joy reminding me that better days are just a conversation away! i love each of you and pray incredible blessings for what you add to my life. thanks for believing and practicing addition and not subtraction!

Instead of practicing subtraction and division, I've decided that today I will engage in addition and multiplication.

FOTOS Y RECUERDOS

monday has not gone as planned. not to say its not going well...

i woke up this morning lagging before i even got out of bed. not sure what it is. im starting to think age may be affecting my abilities to travel. i'd rather believe it has to do with recovering from the respiratory trauma of last week but who knows. not to mention a nice little ol' cold front rolled right on through last night. it was brrrr rabbit.

alot of travel in recent weeks and more to come in the weeks that will follow. i can say i'm excited about the next few trips on the books! those of you who have known me for any extended length of time, know that i pretty much spend more time everywhere else in Texas than where ever it is that i'm living (with the exception of the last school year).

But even then, i did alot of day trips to Brownwood while my sister and fam were living there and trips up to LBK to visit my bro. i'm a travel-holic: i think. my last extended travel stint was my texas tour before moving further north. this last months travel, consisted of going back to angelo - several trips there.

so its really no big deal for me to drive three hours somewhere and back. i've even done dallas like that...yes, it's crazy i know. but hey, you do what you have to do.
i'm sure i've given the impression that i'm home sick (with all the trips back to angelo). uhhhmm, yeah - not necessarily so. don't get me wrong - miss lots of people who live there but i also love where i'm living now and honestly, really do like it here. however, i left in such a hurry that i didnt necessarily tie up loose ends when i moved out here. i mean its been whirlwind since getting back from Europe.

so now - i'm paying the piper and having to take care of those things that are pressing and tie up loose ends - things like car maintenance, paperwork, sending stuff to storage, etc...i still have a closet full of cloths at my parents house, so im trying to get rid of excess while keeping the necessities. its taken more time than i realised it would.

i made some decisions which drastically affected my current situation so i've been working on sorting out those details and that takes a bit of time. not anything drastic or bad just working at making some changes and being smart about the future.

so that means another big change come the start of the new year. all good stuff but it will be a while before i see the positive effects. it does however, create some shifts in the present that arent always fun but they're necessary. i love adulthood....lol

trying to get back to san antonio to visit friends. hopefully that will go down during thanksgiving weekend. will keep you posted.

there's a couple of things i wanted to address but its late. might have to wait until i have clarity of mind. took a nap today and that threw me a bit. definitely left me refreshed and ready to finish out the day. deadlines are getting a bit intensive as we barrel towards the holidays. can't believe the semester is coming to a close in a few weeks. feels like just yesterday we were kickin off orientation. i'll be 1/3 of the way through with my MBA at the end of the semester.

had some really hilarious conversations today. just gotta say that laughing is sooooo where its at. I posted the following quote on facebook.

Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on. ~Bob Newhart

ain't that the truth. something about being silly with girlfriends that know you well that can give you a new spin on things...well that and cake! lol.. but that's a story for another time. life is crazy but for the moment, its good!

midnight voyage

senorita poochie is joining me for tonight's blog.

today was interesting. i managed to get mostly packed last night but for some reason had a hard time sleeping or maybe it was waking up. had the swollen puffy eyes thing going on but i did feel better than i did wed and am continuing to see improvement on the whole respiratory issues.

i thought i would load everything before heading to class but realized that wasn't gonna happen. so i take off, get to class and see that half the class is missing...turned in my homework and sat through the class. when it was over, i raced out the door right and then realized i needed to print up one of the chapters in order to complete my finance homework due monday.

after fighting with my printer and installing a new cartridge, i managed to get the 35 pages printed. by then i had finished packing everything and even got the car loaded. grabbed a quick bite and out the door i went.

arrived to an semi-empty house- senorita poochie was waiting for me. she meowed me to death until i finally was on the floor petting her to her heart's content.

the rents eventually showed up. but it gave me time to get on the keys (piano) and practice, something i really miss in LBK. its forced me and my guitar to become better friends. hauling up my Korg this time without exception. i managed to break into the christmas music which made me super excited about the holiday season. some crazy stuff going on with holiday plans. not sure exactly who im spending it with and christmas not sure where...doesnt make much sense, i know but plans are in the works...just dont know who's making it and who is not.

i do know that my cousin is hosting the fam for her first ever thanksgiving meal. shes not exactly a martha stewart type. ok but she does make a mean microwave meal....and a greenbean casserole. however, her repertoire is limited. my sister, tia, and i are the main chefs in the fam - apart from my dad. usually my sis, tia, and i are the ones to prepare most of the dishes for Thanksgiving and yes i can cook a bird. my mom is happy to work on the cleaning crew.

so we're breakin in the cousin and makin her do most of the hard work! lol...should be interesting and yes i plan on getting pictures of that. actually im looking forward to it cause im going to give her my secret stuffing recipe!

alright so tonight was dinner with the extended fam. lots of fun and after i headed over to my prima's to catch up. Oh my goodness....she had me crackin up so hard. its the kind of laugh that makes you cry and you cant stop and then your throat starts hurting cause you're laughing so hard. like doubled over laying on the couch crackin up. it was sheer awesomeness...

looking forward to the thanksgiving break for sure.

so i've gotten a few, why are you going home so frequently questioning. no need to worry...lol. there's always some sort of drama going on in my life. as much as i try to eliminate it - it finds me. but no - nothing major. my folks had been out pocket for a few weeks on account of my sister. during that time some stuff was going to be taken care of but got delayed. things like having my timing belt changed out. i dont like dealing with car maintenance stuff...so i came down to swap out cars. some stuff i dont mind taking care of - other stuff id rather not deal with.

i had taken in my car to have a tire looked at. my dad found a nail in it and when i took it in, turned out the nail didnt puncture the tire and there was no leak. however, when they put the tire back on, the balance wasnt quite right. so when i came home last weekend, the car would shimmy a bit. so i ran it by my dad who instructed me to take it back...which i did and ended up having the tires rotated and balanced which fixed the problem! yay....and the guy i dealt with at the shop was super duper nice...its a welcome change cause sometimes grease monkeys can make the ladies feel stupid...im not one of those i dont know anything about cars but im no mechanic either.

i know basic stuff about fluids, brakes, etc...and yes i can change a tire and have been able to do so and have done so since i was 18. i especially dont like when i take my car to get an oil change and they ask me three times if i have the correct weight in oil...i want to say nah, i'm just makin it up. ok for starters ive only owned the car for the last five years - yeah i certainly hope i know what weight of motor oil it uses! agh....im not a stupid girl, im actually a very smart one.

so i most certain appreciate it when the fellows who service my vehicle treat me accordingly. like the dealership in lubbock...they have a good service dept and so i dont mind taking my vehicle there for oil changes....now the one in angelo...FORGET IT...you couldnt pay me to go in to that dept and NO i will NEVER EVER EVER take my vehicle there again. if i have to tow it three hours to have it fix, i'll do it based sheerly on principle alone...

so yeah...love dealing with vehicle maintenance....

however, it'll be taken care of this week and next week when my parents come up, they'll bring my car and we'll swap. whoo hooo

i'm definitely looking forward to the rest of this weekend though...hope you're having a great one too!

"NO ONE WANTS TO SEE YOUR CHONES"

I can't take credit for the title of this blog. It was actually my best friend's idea and it actually was spawned from a seminar development session for Congreso. Yes, that's right "Fashion 101"  was "Nobody wants to see your chones" before it got split into a guy/girl session and renamed "Fashion 101." Which by the way, i hear went really well and the ladies who led those sessions killed it.

ok so i said I was going to write this post because of an experience I had today. so here goes....

everyday when i go to school, i park my car in a commuter lot and have to take a bus further into the campus. i could walk but when its cold its a very long and chilly 15-20 min walk through Urbanovsky Park.so today, i'm riding the bus from a mind-numbing stats exam (not necessarily hard just more confusing than a rubik's cube at some points). its hard to guage exactly what he's asking for. maybe its cause he's too wordy...and so bent on everything being concise...who knows...

ok so yeah, my brain might as well have been spaghetti after that thing but i make my way over to the bus stop. its windy and a bit chilly but other wise sunny...so the bus pulls up and this guy and girl are chatting and the guy walks right in front of me and hops on the bus...which is why (if you follow my tweets) I asked, "what happened to ladies first?" it was rude boy's doing...oh it gets better...and yes this is where the "chones" enter the picture.

so we ride over to the commuter lot, no big deal. i'm busy with my normal routine of checking emails, facebook, txt messages, etc...stuff i missed while taking the above mentioned mind-numbing exam (by the way stats is short for statistics for those of you not in the know - i forget not everyone gets the acronyms).

back to my story...we make it through the Chitwood stop and roll on by the Spirit arena without stopping....(sometimes the bus drivers stop even though no one's there - i think they're supposed to always stop but some just keep on rollin by even when there are people standing there).

we make it to the first commuter lot stop and said girl who was talking with the Rude Boy mentioned earlier...proceeds to get off the bus making this big 'ole deal about saying bye to Rude Boy...so she's climbing off the bus and THATS WHEN IT HAPPENED!

there i saw what i DID NOT want to nor NEED to see. girl was wearing uggs (of course - this is tech) with some yogo pants rolled down at the waste revealing *drum roll please * her chones (i wont mention what kind cause its nobody's business) and a tshirt that wasnt long enough to cover that stuff up. ok so i'm thinking "oh lord, help that girl" when the guy leans over to get an extra peak and watch her walk off the bus to her car...basically oogling her the whole stinkin' time.

that's when i wanted to BARF....luckily i had on my sunglasses so my death-ray-eye stare apparently didnt phase or affect Rude Boy one bit. he was too busy lookin at the "goods." meanwhile, Chone Girl has no stinking clue and walks to her car like she's super cool.

i know, i know...there will be some who think what's wrong with that? that sounds perfeclty fine...

but i come from the ole' skool, we were taught a different way. not any of this all-up-in-your-face...here are my chones stuff...yes...chones are meant to be worn UNDER your clothes...and like my friend Zandra said "keep ya freakiness behind closed doors."

have a little respect for the general public: be mindful if you will. not only that but its a good way to invite trouble...there are a number of reasons why you should keep your chones to yourself or like Zandra said "Behind closed doors." the main point being I don't want to see them nor do I want to witness some mocoso droolin over you as you walk outta the bus. its an embarrasment to women everywhere...well unless you're freaky like that, think its awesome, and are somehow proud of those kind of actions.

either way, I thought I would post some helpful reminders here...do not wear white chones when you are wearing all white...FLESH TONE ladies, flesh tones...or white bra's when you're wearing a black shirt...again black or flesh tones...and be sure to wear a slip when you're wearing a dress or skirt...i can understand if you just didnt know...but please ladies for the love of respect, pass on the "girl you need to know this" information to your fellow sisters...

don't be drinkin the haterade - lettin your girlfriends, co-workers, mother-in-laws, people you dont like walk around lookin scandalous...ive even heard of the neon bra with a white blouse...yes...ladies, prints show through whites and sometimes through other colors...when in doubt ask a lady that's gonna keep it real and be honest with you..i mean like keep it REAL REAL with'cha.

i made my blog title announcement on facebook and i decided to post the conversation that ensued...apparently this is a topic that no one really addresses...geee, i wonder why...talk about this stuff people! it would save others alot of embarrassments and the general public from seeing things we DO NOT want to see...ok so, the comments went as follows:

I posted:

i decided that my next blog is gonna be titled, "no one wants to see your chones" after some observations obtained while riding on the bus from/to the commuter lot this morning.

Zandra Glass: huh what did ya see ?
Laura M Leyva: stuff that no one wants to see...apparently there's no concern for modesty these days...
Vanessa Aregullin: Yeah well, I'd rather see chones than a butt crack! I can't stand being in class and seeing (girls that wear those low waisted jeans) butt cracks when they sit down.
Zandra Glass: right, i feel like there is a differance between sexxy and SLUTTY!!! keep ya freakiness behind closed doors ,like me lolol
Roxanne Balderaz: hahaha!
Elizabeth Jaramillo: Lol that's gross & funny!
Lori Gutierrez: Amen do it sister!
Laura M Leyva: Zandra - you crack me up!
Albert Lopez: So, you're saying I shouldn't wear my lowrise jeans...
Laura M Leyva: not unless you're wearing the appropriate chones to accompany said lowrise jeans and long shirt to cover the back!
Albert Lopez: What about my tight running shorts.
Albert Lopez: Laura -note to self, sit in front of bus
Laura M Leyva: we've already had that discussion...do i need to call Jenn?
Laura M Leyva: more like note to self - dont look at anyone on the bus - avert your eyes and keep them on your feet.
Albert Lopez: no, just sit in the front. I'm not sure I trust your walking skills. You might end up with a bump on your head.
Laura M Leyva: SHUT UP! i forget i'm vertically challenged.
Andrea Leyva Batista: hilarious!

NEEDLESS to say - i may just take Albert's advice and start sitting at the front of the bus...my next fashion topic will concern my disdain for those "oh-so-popular" nike shorts worn w/tights and uggs...i see like 50 girls a day wearing the exact same outfit. oh yeah with a north face jacket too...same clothes, different colors...seriously..

headed to angelo this weekend. cant wait to see more friends and the familia...i love family: they make the world a better place to live in (at least mine does for the moment!!!) lol...

one last word of advice and guys this goes for you too:

KEEP YOUR CHONES TO YOURSELF!!!

*unless your married, then just keep it behind closed doors*