Let go

the irony...stats test this morning and my brain is swimming. with what? last week...this week...next week...

i stopped studying sometime around 7am this morning because honestly...i just dont care. i should but in the grand scheme of things, it just doesnt seem that relevant. i could stress over it and be worried but what good would that do? it would only cause me to lose my focus on the other 99 million things that need my attention to finish out this semester well. there's plenty more on my plate and stress only leads to anxiety which leads to distraction. no, don't need any of that.

ok so i know that i should proably address my last post about my frantic departure from the thanksgiving festivities. once again, details will be minimal. just to say that the events of the day can all be traced back to miscommunication from a usual source and that led to dramatic/climatic events which i just couldn't stomach.

did i get turkey, laughter, love, and all the pie i could eat? in short, no. not by any means...

no my thanksgiving day meal included whataburger at 10:30 pm after arriving back home. yes i know...for some of you, i know that may sound "delicious" but i don't eat those kinds of foods except in extreme circumstances so it was by no means a "great joy" to be choking down sticks of death and a burger at that hour...but i was starved, cooking was not an option, and wasn't feeling well.

i had to do a bit of soul searching and needed to face more realizations. my only sadness is that it took something so drastic for me to see what should have been clear as day. i learned something about empowerment and learned something about making others happy: i can do something about empowerment and i can do nothing about making others happy.

there's a "debbie downer" in my life that has quite literally zapped the life and energy out of me. outwardly i didn't feel stressed but what i realized is that i'd been surpressing what i really felt to make others happy - a sacrifice i'm not longer willing to make. I also realized that no matter what I do, someone is going to find fault with my decisions and so....my decisions should be my own and made for myself not for others.

i also realized that where i'm at is not my "home" by any means. i came here thinking i would have a strong support system but any level of support that i have here will be leaving come August. i thought why sacrifice the joys of life to be "here" for something that simply doesn't exist. i might as well go where i know it does - and yes, there is such a place.

so here's the official announcement unbeknownst to my parents (will tell them this weekend) - I will not be going to law school at Tech regardless of my application outcome. i've stated before that i needed the isolation that being here brings - necessary lessons along with necessary departures: a requirement in the process of life. sometimes you need drought like conditions to flourish - like some dessert flowers/plants.

I didn't completely understand it until i had a deep/light hearted conversation with some old friends over an iced mocha (also known as frozen hot chocolate). the plan became clear in that moment and it was like the light bulb magically lit. not really, but it was if you will, an "ah-ha" moment for me.

all the things i had been praying for or at least most of them - made clear as day and it was accompanied by peace. no irrational thinking, no decision making based on emotion - no...this was a "my situation cannot remain as it is - what should i do?"

now - i will say my decision to throw my luggage in my car and come back Thanksgiving Day was rash. and yes, i did totally flip my lid. Can't even lie about that...but at the time, it seemed the best decision. in hind sight, i still think it was. i needed to recover both emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically. I had some time away to think clearly through the situation and get to the root of the issue. i can't lay complete blame in other parties and can/will only be responsible for my part.

i also realized that i was harboring more than i thought possible which is contributing to my consistent colds and not feeling well over the last three months. enough with that...working on living life in a happier state and that means eliminating negativity and negative elements in my life. I just cant deal with it anymore/rather i dont want to deal with it anymore...as in i might seriously have a nervous break down if i don't recover my stores to full health.

i truly want happiness for all the people in my life and for all the people i love deeply, but i can't generate happiness for them and from all appearances to some i appear to be a source of irritation for whatever reason. it's ok...again nothing dramatic but i'm not going to continue to remain where i'm not welcomed. i've lived, i've learned, and am now moving forward.

in the present - i'm exhausted and i know that the next few weeks are going to put me to the test...that's what school's all about, no? its ok..i'm ready for the challenge and returned home with clarity of mind. working on building up the stores to be fully prepared for the weeks to come.

not sure how christmas is going to shake down and not even sure where i'm spending it but i just know that i don't want to endure another "thanksgiving fiasco." there's no negative connotations associated with fiasco here...it took the events of the day to drive me to some much needed realizations and for that i'm completely grateful. its like the "captive is free" type stuff.

headed to statistics and to the "test" of the day...ready or not: here I come.

p.s. i do believe a donut and diet dp may be in order for the morning!