three more days and I'll add another year to the number of years i've been on this earth. i'd like to say i'm joyful in facing this occasion but after the event's of this summer, i'd gladly settle for something inconspicious. to say the summer has been rough would be an understatement and while on the surface it seems that life is regaining a balance: in my gut i can feel the pendulum shift in the opposite direction.
i've been given a brief reprieve from the demands of higher education. brief in that Aug 16 i get to enjoy "enhancements" and sit through close to 48 hrs of "workshops." a nice way to spend what's left of my summer break. and while i'm not complaining at least i'm trying not to...i know all too soon summer breaks will be gone for most of my life. in other words the workforce beckons.
just two more semesters left and then my career will take another turn in a new direction. i've had to make some major decisions to preserve quality of life and to accomodate my educational load. school's the priority for the moment and finishing is not an option at this point.
i have quite a bit on my mind but nothing that has been sorted out and ready for discussion. just to say i'm beyond relieved that school is out for now. it has been one of the most intense semesters of my educational career and much of it has to do with my specific program. i wasnt the only one feeling the heat/strain of the workload. my cohorts are all breathing easier tonight.
one of our requirements was to obtain a certification as a consultant with an on-line electronic health records system. we had just ten days to do that. i know that in the end, the intensity of the program will be beneficial and for the first time i feel like i found something i was meant to do. so in that there is a satisfaction and joy.
at the same time, i dont doubt that this is why i'm where i'm at and why its taken me so long to get here. i've done alot of traveling this summer mostly out of necessity due to family circumstances so i've had lots of time to think and contemplate. time to sort through issues and situations. no easy answers of course but as grandma ivy said, "expect if you follow the roots, you'll find him."
i'm currently working through seeing past the "storms of my life" and working to see the benefits of the rain. its sometimes hard to see in the midst of the chaos...but lucky for me, in my neck of the woods, we've had much rain. and ironically enoughly seeing something in the literal has helped me understand it metaphorically.
its odd to see this part of the state so green at this time of year. in any other year, it would be dry, brown, and mostly barren...but here we are in the midst of a mild summer and the fields are green and pools of water are collected in fields.
on one trip back, i was actually detoured because of the excess of water...metaphorically i found it interesting. though at the time it was a major incovenience as i was on my way back to take a final. what i took from that experience is that life is going to bring detours...roadblocks...situations...difficult people....but do you turn around and go back home? no....
instead, i busted out the gps and figured away around the detour...sure it took longer to get to my destination because it was a two lane road lined with semi's....but the point isnt about when i got there it was that i figured out a way to get there...am i better for the detour...may be not immediately but you never know when you'll need to know about that "road" because of another life circumstance.
i cant undo the events of the summer...cant undo how i got here....and in some situations i fear its too late to change the destination of the path now set upon. but those are the choices we make...the choices people in my life had made...i'm powerless over the choice of others but when it comes to my own its completely different.
sometimes life lessons are difficult and sometimes they cause pain...but just like the summer...this season in life will pass....and it wont be about what i felt in the immediate but about what i walked away with. what are those lessons i took with me. in hindsight, i think we always wish we would've made different choices or done things differently...but as i read a friends semi-blog earlier today..its those choices that make us who we are...they put us in situations to see things differently...situations that give us new perspective or new appreciation.
i look at seaons in my life in that manner. i think at times we dont really know what we do to one another or how our actions can affect others. if i walked away with anything from the summer it would be "dont leave the table with things unsaid." in other words the people who mean most to you, should know what they mean to you... life is too short to be spent on issues that in the grand scheme of things mean little...and definitely not worth spending efforts or energies on petty issues.
so feeling like a beat up boxer, i'm getting back up and going to make a go of life again...sure the bruises hurt and some wounds are still mending...but they'll mend...
while i was driving, i was hit with the word resilient. i dont know where it comes from but somehow, resilience allows us to rebound in life and get another shot at the things left undone.
i dont know what this fall is going to shape into. just know that all i can do is make the best choices i can each day...live to the best of my abilities with what i have and what i know...and though people will judge and people will say what they want...its inner peace and knowing you've done all you can in that day...that allows you to face new tomorrows...
i need this next week for respite care not just from the physical toll this summer has taken but also from the spiritual, mental, and emotional toll. ironically, its been my work wth my internship which has given me hope for the semester to come. many thanks to the people in my life who've been true in love and to say the things that needed to be said. like john mayer sings, "say what you need to say."
though i more than likely will not get the opportunity, my ideal vacation would be a few hours on the beach by water with a good book. something about water that i find very relaxing and calming....for now, i'll settle for some time with a good book. it might just be the break my mind, body, and soul are looking for.
maybe in my dreams ... as sleep in the moment is quite necessary. peaceful sleep that is. gonna do the best i can to have some "real down time" in the next few days...for now...
I'm "put your brave face on" in the search for roots...
