anthems, possiblities, and courage

ever heard a song and something inside clicks and is totally intune with the lyrics? so much so that it in essence becomes your anthem?  could be that the anthem is short-lived or oscillates but nevertheless an anthem it is. i've been feeling a bit of that this week. oh the irony...

it has been a while and just like always i think that life is going to slow down to give me the room to breathe. i finally realize that, that  will never be the case. time to breathe can only come when you force it upon yourself. but its freeing and nice when you finally do.

i've been doing alot of self evaluation in the last few weeks. and just to warn - there will be several innuendo's - but i suppose there almost always are in my writings. as always, please resist the urge to decode this blog or figuree out the whos, what when wheres, and situations. just take it for what it is. often times what i'm really writing about is far from what people would assume - sometimes accidental sometimes not. today is one of those times when its not.

the reason being that there are situations to protect. you cant very well reveal your plans before an attack now can you? <= (that was a metaphor) so there will be no attacks at least not the kind some of you may have come to know me to be associated with or at least assumed. i digress.

(cough, cough)

so let me preface what's to follow with this: i've been on this completely wonderful and crazy journey for the last five years. given to the thro's of a crazy person who turned my world upside down and unbeknowst to them while their attempts and words were meant to derail me - they only propelled me upon my way and down a "yellow brick road."

there were alot of moments and experiences coupled with struggle, joy, amazement, all the wonderful emotinons and challenges of life - moments that no matter how wonderful or even how painful that I would ever, ever trade in a million years. even those "challenging" people who are in my life or have been - have provided me with opportunities to grow.

up to that point, i'd been this extremely driven, ambitious, wildly focused girl unaware of some of my surroundings and to be honest blazing down a trail with blinders while all around me was the wonderful mystical, colorful world. i was so far left on the pendulum that when I swung the other direction my personality took a bit of a nose dive and that ambitious girl took a nap and went into a deep sleep.

that's when passive aggressiveness set in or at least I thought until I realized I'd been passive agressive all along! boooo! not something I'm proud of and am working on even today and suppose I will work on until my last breath.

i feel that i've finally started to settle into balance and maybe that's due to maturity. is that what you're twenties does to you? the problem was/is that i was living like i was still in that time frame of my life but i've very recently realized i'm not. when you have massive student loans knocking on your door to say hello - pay me - you are quickly jolted into the reality of the "real world" and being an adult. oh the joys!

but it was a necessary evil - well sort of - but it was more the cost of pursuing my dreams - quite literally. would i do it again? perhaps but there are some things I would change. have I learned from it? without a doubt! and in more ways than one.

"wish I knew then what I know now"

we all would I suppose. would what you know alter your choices - probably and would you be the same person without those experiences - probably not. woulda, coulda, shoulda: what good does it do to sit and wallow.

letting go

there's beauty in that. really there is. and there's freedom and often peace.

i finally realized that the part of my personality that is driven and ambitious shouldnt be suppressed because it brought me some unfavorable and painful experiences. i cant run from that part of who i am and cant run from the fact that that is exactly how i was created. maybe my personality is a bit too much for some people - that's ok. many have fallen "by the way side" and the expectation of myself is so different from a few months ago.

that realization - all of the above - has brought a new found freedom. ive been faced with making many difficult decisions causing the soul searching. i realized i'd kept the "risk-taker" in a closet locked up trying to make "safe/logical" decisions that would make everyone happy and in the end i was the least happiest of them all. i felt like i was suffocating trying to meet expecations i will never be able to meet. and i realized - that's perfectly ok. i just need to be - let the risk-taker out of the closet - let loose the ambitious but hold on to all those lessons i learned about humilty, my life's purpose, and the goal...

i wont speak to the goal because it is ever-evolving.

i've also come to accept that life is not always so clearly laid/planned out. i thought i'd be at a certain point in my life by now and i'm not - not to say that that's bad - but to say that i have to accept that it is what it is and i have to take a bit of responsiblity to make those decisions that are right for me.

i touched on that topic this evening in a conversation with my mom. i love my mom and love my family dearly but i now know why people must leave to pursue the passion and a calling. it is sometimes evitable and i knew when i set out on the journey that sacrifices would have to be made.

i'm not yet sure the severity and it may all work out to be gravy but either way - i've decided to step through the threshold of the door and not look back.

some have come with me on this journey while others have remained a few steps behind and even more still have diverted all together. as callous as it sounds, i cant be sad or cry for it to be different anymore.

letting go

sometimes necessary and for me i realized wanting to hold on to what was or what i thought was - was only holding me back from moving forward. there will be criticsm - there will be lack of understanding - there will be misled piety. but those who've stuck through me will understand maybe not fully but i gather they will know its the right thing.

odd how God has ALWAYS worked this way in my life. i may think the road leads one way but in an instant or a moments notice - it shifts in a new direction. and as crazy and chaotic as the decision or choice seems, i've always know its the right thing to do because of the peace that comes with it. truly it does surpass all understanding. it is why I returned to angelo all those years ago after living in San Antonio. it was a realignment so to speak and my work was done/my assignment had been completed. it made no sense to many people in my life but to me it was exactly what I needed and what was necessary to set things right.

reminds me a of these lyrics:

I've been looking till my eyes are tired of looking
Listening till my ears are numb from listening
Praying till my knees are sore from kneeling
On the bedroom floor

I know that You know that my heart is aching
I'm running out of tears and my will is breaking
I don't think that I can carry the burden of it anymore

All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are slowly slipping through my folded hands

So I'm gonna lay it down, I'm gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up, I know Your love will be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go, I'm gonna lay it down

I've been walking through this world like I'm barely living
Buried in the doubt of this hole I've been digging
But you're pulling me out and I'm finally breathing
In the open air

This room may be dark but I'm finally seeing
There's a new ray of hope and now I'm believing
That the past is the past and the future?s beginning
To look brighter now

'Cause all of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are safe and secure when I place them in Your hands

So I'm gonna lay it down, I'm gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up, Your love, Your love will be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go, I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna lay it down, I'm gonna lay it down

I thought I knew what the plan was but i've come to  realize is that I'll never know the plan fully and instead of getting caught up in the when, where's, and why's - I should shift my focus to the possiblities.

At this point - I have no idea where the road will lead or know what decisions will be made in the months to follow.

All that I do know is that to stay where I am will never fully satisfy what is within. instead - for the first time in a long while - i'm going to allow that drive within to be better, do better, to give more, and chase hard after dream/goal/pupose - to lead the way. it is no longer misguided or lacks understanding but is in peace with the right kind of focus and a heart that is open to the possiblities.

and in so many ways, I find myself "Wide Awake"