bittersweet

I  just finished wrapping up some stuff for work and for my dad for my grandfather's funeral. The reality finally set in today. The only word I know to describe this moment in life is bittersweet. I oscillate between moments of joy and excitement for Ricardo and I to having a heavy heart as we prepare for my grandfather's home-going service.

Seems odd that "reunited" is playing on my iphone..it's on shuffle and that always produces odd results.

After receiving the news yesterday, I started making arrangements to be gone this week. I needed to wrap up a few slides for a presentation tomorrow and finished up the grant review. I have a call in the morning but should be home free after. The review in itself was grueling...then add the work week events; the week took everything out of me.

Ricardo's proposal did brighten the week but Sat grounded us quickly. After packing last night and finishing up this morning, Ricardo and I toured a venue with his family. It was nice to not think about what's to come for just a moment...we've set a date and there's alot to be done before then so my mind isn't necessarily in a place of "oh let's go have some fun.." but more of, as my sister said, "we gotta get this show on the road!"

Speaking of road, Ricardo drove me to meet my folks so I could spend the rest of the week with them. I think they were relieved to have someone here. My dad and I are the "crisis-control" members of the family. We tend to make the arrangements, think through the plans, and get everyone coordinated. So its a bit odd that while my dad continues in this role, it's his dad that has passed. He seems to be doing ok...we've had a long talk about mourning and the process of death.

He's been working on the funeral arrangements and I'm helping him with the administrative tasks like typing up things and working through the order of the service. Our worship leader is leading music for at least one of the services if not both and I'll be playing so there's been alot to think through. Been putting together a few set lists and thinking through song selection. hence the reason, why I'm up at this hour...that and I tend to be something of an insomniac.

I want to be sensitive regarding the discussion of my grandfather. I miss him...and tonight my mom and I were going through our old photos. It was good to walk down memory lane...if all else, the style of clothing completely cracked me up...I'm sure my children will say the same about us someday.

I know I've written about the appreciate I have for my grandparents. I've been thinking through the concept of being a Leyva. Maybe its coupled by the fact that I'll be taking Ricardo's name soon, but he and I have been discussions about whether I'd hyphenate or take his name completely dropping mine. We're not gonna discuss that here...I've already heard from both sides of the isle and honestly....I don't think it should be anyone's opinion regarding what I decide to do.

The though on my last name, led me to consider the legacy my grandfather has left us. My next blog will relate to that topic though I don't wish to "flesh" it out here. I feel I need to share those thoughts with my dad before making them public. The point of today's post is more that life takes us on crazy turns....we never know what's coming around the bend.

No matter what you do and how well you prepare, you never really know how prepared you are until you walk through it. I don't question the why of my grandfather's passing or even the timing. I know that all things have a purpose and happen according to God's timing. I'm ok with that....

I think the greater importance is how we walk through these trying moments. I've been to funeral services where it seemed the message was that if you were sad or cried that you were lacking in your faith....I don't believe that....and I think its a tragedy to the opportunity we have to testify to God's goodness.

It's easy to praise God when things are good and when they look good...but what about when you're truly in that place of difficulty, strife, trouble, and being down-trodden. I think about that often because yes, we love my grandfather and we miss him now and will continue to miss him. We'll each grieve in our own way...some more heavily than others. He knew the Lord and had made his peace and because so I believe my grandfather is in heaven.

I believe that his funeral should be a celebration of his life and a service to celebrate his final home-going. Will we laugh, likely...will we cry, for sure...will we hurt, i'm certain we will.

Death was meant to be painful. Without Christ/God, its an eternal separation. It's a separation of the spiritual from the physical. We'll no longer be in the physical presence of my grandpa. He's gone....transformed into a new body and in the celestial.

Ironically, its when I think of his transformation into the spiritual that I tear up most....death was meant to be painful. It hurts and cuts in ways that no words could ever give justice to....and it will be with you until you finally make it home as well. It may hurt less but it will be with you.

My grandmother on my mom's side passed over 15 years ago. Yet, I miss her still...miss the crazy things she said and did. She also knew the Lord and because of that, I know I'll see her one day.

This is where I believe our mourning differs as believers. We do not mourn without hope because we know that we will meet again. We know our loved ones are in Glory. They are in a place that is beautiful...full of light and of peace. In that we find comfort.

So while tears may fall from our faces, they are bittersweet. They are a manifestation of the pain we feel in the physical but an expression of the hope we have in the spiritual.

The Lord called my grandpa home...it was his time and i believe it fully with all my heart as much as I believe that I'll see him again someday.

"No llores por me..."

This week has been an emotional roller coaster. Work has been insane with a lot of changes. Mostly, the issues I've been dealing with are related to growing pains. I've been spending a lot of my time putting out fires or assisting with solutions. Nothing that's bad just a bit time consuming. I left work Friday with two major presentations to finish developing for a presentation Monday morning.  I'm also wrapping up my third grant review. I had two applications to finish comments.

Needless to say, when I came home on Wed - I was stressed far beyond anything I've experienced in my career/life. I was literally at the point where I didn't care and couldn't care. So I came home and barely said three words to Ricardo. 

This man always knows how to make my world better. Little did I know he had something up his sleeves. The short version is that he presented me with cupcakes to which I squealed with delight but then he was on his knee (which I wasn't completely aware of until after the fact) presenting me with a ring and asking me to be his wife! How could I refuse? I squealed again. If you know me, you know that squeals are saved for super exciting moments! I'm not a squealer!

And so we are now engaged! 

Friday night we had dinner with his cousin and her husband and had a great time. Ricardo's cousin will be assisting us with wedding coordination and I couldn't be happy! She's definitely my kind of peoples! I'm a little OCD when it comes to party planning so I feel very relieved knowing details the day of will be in very capable hands!

So today the plan was to wrap up the grant review and work. I was plugging away when I got a message from my mom this afternoon shortly after 2:15 that  stunned and shocked me. I'd been going back and forth with my mom discussing wedding details. Around 2 pm here txt messages notified me that my parents were with my grandmother and my grandfather was being taken to the hospital. Things like this have happened before and I didn't consider the seriousness. My mom said he'd declined in the last week but he'd given us scares before and pulled through. But everything took a turn by 2:30. By then, my grandfather had passed. We've known for some time that he was nearing the end of his life and we've been preparing for the last year or so. 

I spent the rest of the afternoon trying to wrap up what needed to be done and have spent the last few hours packing to be gone the remainder of the week. 

Funeral services and his final home-going will be Tues and Wed. I have a lot of mixed emotions and while it hasn't quite hit me; I know the next few days will be tough. My folks had already told me that my grandparents wanted me to play at the funeral so I'm headed home tomorrow to help my dad with the funeral services.

Family will start pouring in over the next few days as well. 

I'm grateful for my grandfather's life and celebrating his legacy will be bittersweet. I have fond memories with he and my grandmother. I'm grateful for all the moments I was afforded with both of them and for their wisdom and courage. 

My heart is heavy for my grandmother and my aunt, uncles, and dad. My grandfather lived a long life. I know it was his time and I know he's in heaven tending to some chivos, standing under a tree chewing on some sugar came, and conversing with Jesus. 

He's free from pain, free in a new body, and he's in peace. 

Thanks to those who have sent their condolences and who are praying for us and over us in the days to come. We mourn with hope and it's my prayer that his life be celebrated in a way that honors the life he lived. Life is but a vapor...and while his physical body may be gone; I know we each carry his spirit in us.

While I'm excited about the engagement, I also know how important those life lines to my family are. I'm grateful for a job and boss that allow me to be gone and be with my loved ones. I'm thankful for Ricardo and his understanding that allows me to be gone to tend and be with my family. It means more than anyone could ever know and for that reason I accepted his offer to be his mate for the rest of our lives. 

My grandparents were approaching their 65th anniversary. I hope to have their longevity in marriage. I watched my grandmother faithfully care for my grandfather. Yes they had differences; but  in the end, I know they loved each other and the beauty of the life they shared is inspiring. The sacrifices my grandparents made are what spur me to be and do better each day with the gifts and talents I've been given. 

I've been listening to I can only imagine...

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel 

Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still 

Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall 

Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all 

I can only imagine...