We had a nephew graduate this year, our niece settling in to her second year of marriage. My sister’s wrapping up her move. My brother is happily in a relationship and we like her too. My in-laws are celebrating their postponed 50th anniversary and we’re likely headed back to our offices sometime in 2022.
Early in our relationship, we really tried to cater to our families. I think I’ve written about our first year married. My boss gave me some good advice during that year. He said do what makes you guys happy, family can get over it. We learned he was right. No one will ever understand what is best for us but us. And at every turn, where we’ve had to make hard decisions about a number of things, we’ve been either on the same page or nearing the same page.
We’ve really figured out where our lines in the sand are and what we’re willing or not willing to contend with. This summer we had to make a number of hard decisions. I used to think drama had to be included in that process but I’ve learned from my husband that simply is not true. We are capable of making rational healthy decisions as adults. If we’re both in agreement, we can move on and if not then we have to work to resolve those differences. In many instances, we stopped to reflect on history. History has informed many of our choices this season. Do we want to sit in a place of turmoil or let things go and move on to a more peaceful place? The later has won out every time. I’ve learned that people can and will hurt you but only to the extent that you let them. I’ve learned that hurt without provocation is a warning. In this current season, we’ve chosen to focus on nurturing healthy relationships.
Today is my birthday. This evening, I was chatting with a close family friend. I was struck by a few things but one was just reflection. I’ve know this lady a super long time!!! And I just reflected on where we were when we met and where we are today. I’m grateful for the people put in our lives who have taught us how to persevere in trial. It’s easy to have great people in your life when things are going well. It’s a beautiful commodity to have incredible people in your life when things aren’t going well. That’s what we’ve learned this season. The people who are really in our corner.
We’ve had some falling outs and whatever the situation, I’ve learned to never wish ill’ly on those who you perceive have slighted you. You never really know what’s going on in their world and it may never be meant for you to know. But I do believe that whatever you put out into the world will comeback to you 7-fold. Call it karma, call it reaping what you sow…I’ve seen to fulfilled time and time again. So while my natural propensity might be towards exacting revenge, I fully know I don’t need to pursue that course of action because the powers that be will take care of every situation. The truth always comes out, it’s never hidden in the dark.
We’ve also resolved to not be held to other people’s projections or assumptions. We don’t allow others to put their actions on us making all things our fault when some if not the majority of actions contributed came from another party. I can only be responsible for my own actions and if I’m truly sorry, I will apologize. But I won’t ever apologize for something I’m not sorry for. Call it defiance, call it whatever you want…honestly, it doesn’t matter to me. It’s a long held practice that holds me true to who I am and accountable to the things I do. More than a little tired of the pot calling the kettle black.
Can you tell it’s been a heavy summer?
I do believe reconciliation is always possible but reconciliation doesn’t necessarily mean things continue as they were before. I’ve always felt that you can “cross lines in the sand” that can never be taken back. It’s why when I act or speak I’m fully prepared to deal with and accept the consequences of those choices. I don’t pretend to be nice or to be kind though I do work at trying to be those things. But my human frailty causes me to fail miserably at times. It’s why my husband will tell you frankly “she can be the kindest and most generous person you know and she can be horrifically mean.” Does it mean I shouldn’t strive to be better, no? It just means I’m human. We all are. I try to keep that in mind when reconciliation is at stake. I don’t know where some of our relationships will go especially those that have been in limbo for a very long time. What I can say is we have firmly decided what we will or will not tolerate and that is what ultimately leads us. We treasure peace of mind and tranquility and we are much more keenly aware that life is but a vapor and we are on borrowed time.
I’m grateful to see another year of life. Grateful for the really incredible people and family in our lives. We don’t dwell on the things out of our control. There are many, many more changes coming this year. But change has come in different forms for most of our lives. From experience I know we can rage against it or embrace it but either way, it will still arrive.
One of the hard changes this last year was losing our beloved, Lulu. She got progressively ill throughout July and reached a point where her body was not capable of sustaining her life. I loved her uniquely. I chose her to be adopted into our family and while she loved, Ricardo, I always considered her my baby. She leaves behind her fury brother Duncan, who has had some difficulties adjusting. But he’s such a sweet boy with a very different personality. We’re taking time to grieve Lulu and to love on Duncan. Loss has a way of making you grateful for what you have. So in this season, I’m most grateful for my own nucleus of a family: Ricardo and Duncan. Ricardo is not only my husband, he is my partner, my friend, and my most trusted confidant. His birthday is in 9 days.
Due to COVID and Lulu’s passing, we’ve opted for small family gatherings. Ricardo’s will include a few others but I’ve asked for a low key celebration with my immediate family. Sometimes you just need to be encircled by that kind of love. If anything I’ve learned in this season, is how important that love can be as a pillar to stand you up when you cannot on your own strength. We’ve been in a season of mourning and grieving and I suspect will be in one for a while longer. Yes she was a fury family member but she’s not the only thing we mourn in this season.
What I am most assured of is that this season is for a time and that a new season will arrive. Not worried about what is to come or how things will resolve. I’ve seen this played out before in my life. It’s all in the perfect and capable hands of one who is greater and that allows us to rest at night and for the moment, give thanks and celebrate another year of life. For all the ways we’ve been blessed and for the time of peace to mourn we’ve been granted, I’m extremely grateful!
