the last 24 hours have been a bit strange. i've not been sleeping very well. not sure exactly what it is but just been feeling heavy of heart. i guess i should explain.
leaving to italy...left me in a place where i was completely out of my comfort zone. not a bad place to be but it presents challenges of its own. i learned more than i could ever dream possible by being gone that one month. learned things about myself i had yet to discover, saw beauty in people and places...and just experienced something that could not allow me to be the same in returning. i hadnt quite figured out how to categorize it or even figured out if i wanted to. i mean it is what it is and there's no going back from it.
i spent alot of time on those train rides thinking about where things are, where the journey was taking me, and what i needed in my life to arrive there...it was more about setting things right and getting rid of the stuff i dont need to carry around.
if you knew my life's story and all the things that have happened in my lifetime and to me...oh lord, we just dont have time. i cant say that i've been blameless in all the things that happened. no, in fact, alot of times i was the only party to blame for some of those downfalls. but no matter what, i knew that God was watching over me and when i felt like no one else was around or no one cared...i knew i could trust that He was.
i can only say that any strength i possess is from that knowledge and from that revealment of truth. knowing the one thing i can hold on to no matter what i face in this world. i think my travels in Italy were about shedding all the things hindering in my adulthood from getting to the places i'm supposed to get to....like fear...or lack of understanding...lack of trust...
and at the end, when the sun set....i discovered that more than anything it was about surrendering. surrendering my hopes and dreams and all that i entail and saying here it is do with it what you want. so coming home, i came back refreshed and renewed and i can say rested and at peace in a way i'd not felt in a long time.
by rested i mean in a spiritual sense and not so much physically. so coming home, of course there would be challenges and situations that need to be dealt with. i've been watching people i love go through some really hard times in the last few weeks. so life has been more about those things happening in the lives of the people i care about and deeply love.
i think my distraction has been this torn feeling of not being able to help in those situations and then my own obligations to prepare for the things to come in the next month. its supposed to be an exciting time and everyone keeps asking me if i'm excited about moving. let me be real honest.
i am excited but i'm also scared to death.
i guess i didnt realize how comfortable i got here. but it happened unbeknowst to myself. so here we are...i know this move is a good thing and in fact, i had a conversation about it last night. there are lot of variables in my life that i just dont have the answers too. but at the same time, i'm also not worried about those variables. i trust that they will work out as they are supposed to and in the right time.
there's a slew of other things going on. namely the major mess up with my substitutions on my degree plan. so here i am taking 6 hours (online). not as bad as everyone thinks. i mean i had 18 hrs (in class) and then 12 online classes (all sciences) last semester....so i think 6 hours will be ok.
also trying to get the trips worked out and then there's the extended family vacay. not sure who all's going but i know its going to be fun. how could it not?
if anything i brought back from Italy with me is this desire to live life in a way that i'll not have any regrets.
we have only to look at the last few weeks and all the celebrities who have passed. i cant end this without giving some sort of acknowledgement to Michael Jackson.
i caught the first part of the memorial with my mom and then met a friend for lunch and movie...which btw, was exactly what i needed! i had already set the dvr the night before, so i knew it was being recorded. out the door i went. after the movie (which i saw the Proposal) i headed to the bookstore to try and get the books i needed for my two classes. i headed home and watched the rest of the memorial and my mom joined me for a second viewing.
it was sad in sooo many ways.
i have alot of memories to MJ. my very first vinyl was an MJ record. i was telling my mom about it cause i remember her taking me to the mall to buy it. my bro had the MJ record player and i remember he had to put the needle on the record if we wanted to listen to it. my cousins would come over or we'd have neighborhood friends over and just jam out to our vinyls which consisted of strawberry shortcake, sesame street, and MJ.
then there are the memories of my "cool" aunt who would let us watch MTV at her house. i remember when the thriller video came out, heck i remember when MTV was launched! lol...ok dating myself there but still...MJ was apart of my childhood and just to look at what he accomplished in his lifetime and then to look at the price he paid for his fame. it was sad. death is sad because it is a separation of the body and soul. we no longer have the physical connection to that human being in death. so to MJ and all the memories you created in my childhood, thank you. though i never could do the moonwalk and though we tried....we're grateful for the music you created and how it connects us to the days of old.
i'm a musician and though i never really look at myself in this manner, i suppose that i am an artist. so i can appreciate his genius and what we will miss in the years to come.
takes me back to my point about living life with no regrets. so often fear entraps us from doing something new or going to some place new...from experiencing something we've never experienced. we can paralyzed to the point that we miss out on beautiful experiences. i think that is the aspect i most appreciate about my summer travels.
i have people in my life who wont go anywhere without someone else and while i understand safety and such...in that manner i'm a bit fearless. just because no one else wants to go, i just dont see that as a reason to miss out on something.
though none go with me...still i will follow.
so let us forge ahead in this thing called life.
i promise that my writings to come won't be so serious in nature...just need to purge a few things on my mind. i'm sure there's more to come but for now, i need to get serious handle on this insomnia thing....gonna drive me nuts!