Poison and Wine...

reflections with smiles

Finally taking some time to gather my thoughts about the last few weeks. I'd spent the last two years of my life devoted to an accomplishment I thought would never arrive. Yet just like with the guarantee of time passing, it came and it's gone. Time is no respecter of age, race, or position.

I made sure to take a few moments to enjoy and absorb what was happening around me because I knew all too soon the moment would be gone. Of course, there was drama...(chuckles)...I mean when is there not?

I'd decided a while back that I can't really change that (the fact that there will be drama) but can only change how I approach and deal with drama. With Ricardo's help, I've evolved to focus my attention and efforts on the things that really and should matter.

so a little random but i'm gonna take off on a tangent here.

I've written about forgiveness but its been a while since i've visited this subject. I guess I'm revisiting this topic cause sometimes its the hardest thing to do - to forgive. This last year has been somewhat tumultuous, to say the least, and not from the sources I'd normally expect either. If anything, I feel the family foundation I really need has been strengthened and for certain - my relationship with Ricardo has taught me much. (Ricardo's not perfect though some days I think he thinks he is! LOL..just kidding Love!) He's been exactly what I need.

Something about being around him that makes me or allows me to relax! He's calming in a way I don't completely understand but I so desperately need at times. Funny how that works.

hmmm so yeah back to forgiveness. not a concept you tend to learn completely about in one fell swoop. no, this topic is something that evolves over time or at least the understanding of it tends to reveal itself over time. I guess I didn't really understand a conversation I had had with Ricardo mid-summer last year until earlier this evening. Something he said finally clicked. sorta like an "ah ha" moment...ok exactly like an "ah ha" moment.

Graduation - had its fair share of stresses. But Ricardo said to me, "Focus on the things that are important, and enjoy this and celebrate your accomplishment. Don't let anything else get in the way of that." He was so right about that. There are things you can control and there are those things so far from your control...I had to just let them go. I was done spinning my wheels.

So I focused on the things I could do something about. So many people went above and beyond to make graduation what it was...that if something didn't get put out or didn't look the way I envisioned...who really cared? it was all beautiful and was completely amazing, and far better than I could have done myself!

The people that needed to be there were and in the end, I had such a great time! I cant spend my time worry about other people's concerns or drama. no...i want to enjoy life, want to embrace these moments. I can't live my life to please others. Something I learned through graduate school.

I know you're thinking how does business school give you an introspective insight. aren't you learning about crunching numbers and managing others? And to that I say, "exactly." Anytime you deal with others, you thrown in a complexity that is far beyond anything including quantum physics.

So what I learned at Texas Tech was a combination of business skills, understanding about the healthcare industry, and development of critical skills and continuous learning to help me succeed in my career. But I also learned a thing or two about interpersonal relationships and human nature. Not a likely place to learn, I know!

It was my ethics and leadership course that I was challenged to search myself, my beliefs, and values. Not an easy process and I had to deal with some "skeletons in the closet." But I discovered that each of us has the strength and ability to confront our deepest fears. It only takes a bit of courage.

This journey was interesting because for the most part I knew more or less where my values and morals stood...I just never took the time to truly define where those lines are. Those lines may never be truly defined but I at least have a strong foundation to start from. I understand what I value and why and in the end that will be the ethical guiding beacon.

Secondly, even though I knew this, I understood that we truly come from different backgrounds, understanding, and opinions. Whether we can work together is up to the people trying to work together. I think I saw this more drastically when I worked in group. Sure some group members busted their tails to fulfill their obligations, others just flat out bailed, and then you had the quasi - talk about how much work they were doing but really didn't do much but copy from others. Those are the ones you gotta watch out for cause they will sell you out!

Most of us in business school are ambitious and driven and aggressive! I mean that's the reason we're pursuing "higher education." The desire to prove that we can accomplish something. There may be other reasons but in the end, its why we "finish" business school. Given that common goal, its bound to bring about some discomfort and challenges.

So as I was listening to Kenny Rogers' "The Gambler" I realized, yes you gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, and know when to run! Sometimes you gotta hold your ground, sometimes you give in, sometimes you compromise, and sometimes you just gotta get the heck outta dodge! Its the knowing part that is difficult.

In the end, I learned that we're all people wanting to succeed in life. We all have challenges, all have pasts, all have issues that we struggle with...but we're all human - with feelings! (ok some of us I truly wondered about!..thinking maybe it was just one feeling but still...feeling nonetheless)

Lets fast forward. It was during the course of  THIS week that I realized i'm on the cusp of something new and exciting. I've spent the last two years working towards this goal and had finally completed it and then had my 90 day evaluation for my new job. Even though it went well - i was still nervous about it. I mean someone is assessing your work and giving you feedback. So its the, am I fulfilling expectations - is my work quality - am I fitting into the culture - do i have what it takes?

i think for the first time in a while, i really understood that there's a whole world of possibilities out there. not that I'm moving to Europe or anything dramatic like that...but really the world is at our fingertips. it comes down to the choices we make. there are many opportunities but its our choice to take advantage of them. to do something with them.

for example, i could've stressed myself to a frenzy over stuff not being done for my graduation dinner...or whatever...but as i went home to change from setting things up and more so on my drive to the Spirit Arena...i took a couple of deep breaths on my 10 minute walk to the tunnel and holding area...I thought...this is a moment to cherish and to relish - a moment to savor. The last two years of my life's work have culminated in this...and culminated in finding a calling for my life that in itself is monumental. I want to celebrate that with my family, friends, and colleagues.

it was almost overwhelming if it hadn't been for my fellow classmates who I immediately saw and caused much excitement! We'd done it! We endured all the weekend classes, last minute changes in projects, Dr Huerta's quality bibles, and crazy schedules and projects...and in the end, we were walking away with not just an education to help us in our careers in healthcare but with something a bit deeper than that. No one understands better the struggles in this accomplishment and the hard work that was required better than my cohorts in my program.

i made some great friends at Tech - friends/colleagues I have no doubt I'll keep in contact with. these are people who impacted my life one way or another...classmates who understood the pain of schedules or projects...or helped me make light of my many trauma's! or told me about their own trauma's helping me see some of my mini-drama's really weren't that bad...it was sharing coffee or sharing scones from sugar brown's. or lunches provided courtesy of Dr Hoffman! and even going through the experience of graduate school...life continued. it didn't stop.

I'm reminded of Andy Grammer's song, "keep your head up"



life wasn't easy. even though my brother was close, we still went through our own growing pains of being in the same city. it's nice to have him around and to do dinner and then be able to go back to our respective houses! while focused on school, we lost an uncle, my mom was hospitalized twice, and there were many other family drama's I'll not delve into. Plus you add in trying to maintain friendships and family relationships and my relationship with Ricardo.

I had to lay out the priorities fast and often had to make tough choices. Lucky for me, Ricardo made so many of those choices easy. He understands the family priority that is important to me and he's generous in our time.

There were lots of times when it woulda been easy to say forget it. I'm tossing in the towel and going back home. But my mom and dad, bro/sis, Ricardo, and friends at every turn would said to me, "don't give up. do what you gotta do - but keep with school" I'm so glad that they did.

This accomplishment wasn't just about me. its about all those who encouraged me and in their own ways supported me while I made a go of it. i don't think i could ever repay my parents for the opportunity to pursue my dreams. i've seen them help each of us (my siblings and I) in our pursuits...and i see that our joy is their joy. words don't do justice to my gratitude for them!

then there's Ricardo...no matter what, he always encouraged me. i'm so grateful that he came into my life when he did...so glad that he's patient and understanding and secure in who he is. i love him for that. that man makes me laugh life no other! and even in moments when I was far too serious...he always helps me to see beyond myself and the moment I sometimes get lost in. he helps me navigate to a place where I can look and see things for what they really are.

so what's next? i've been asked this quite a bit...

i'm awaiting word on a doctoral program. no, not quiting my job but will work and completely my doctoral program at the same time. and yes, there's a logic to it all. i love my job and continue to learn something new each day. i cant say that i'll be there for an extended or even a short period of time...just that i'll be there until I realize it's time for me to not be there anymore. i'm just excited to be working with some great colleagues and mentors. it's a perfect place for me to be.

so what about forgiveness that I mentioned above?

i've learned that forgiveness often isnt for the benefit of the person we are forgiving but for our own forgiveness...because when we let anger and hurt linger without moving on to forgiveness, it leads to bitterness...and bitterness that leaves a bad taste not only in your own mouth but the mouth of others. it robs us of joy, robs us of the ability to truly celebrate the meaningful things in life, robs us of seeing beauty in everyday moments.

i don't want that life...dont want to spend life angry about things i cant control. i want to spend my time soakin in beautiful moments and enjoying life with those that i love...would rather spend my time trying to make this a better place and contribute positively to my community - to give something back that was given to me.

that's where i'm focusing my energies these days. i've seen far too many people dwell in the place of "what if's" and "if only's" coupled by resentment, anger, and bitterness. shrouded in past resentments often bars us from seeing truth and living in the moment. it causes us to rush through the moments in life we should let linger and soak in. forgiveness is the starting point on the road to healing and recovery...that's all i'm saying...

i'm sure that i have more to stay but its late and i have to be up early with my nephews...they have a tradition with my parents to eat pancakes together on sat morning. they've spent the night with us (i'm visiting) so it'll be pancakes bright and early cause they do not sleep in! LOL...i love those boys. they bring much joy to my life and are sweet and sour all in one! excited to hear "Mimi get up" at 7am on a saturday! they really are too cute and if anything - they remind me how awesome it is to get excited about the little things...like when the ice cream truck comes down our street!

oh and i do have a few trips on the books. it's the one perk of having a real job. you get vacations and get paid while you're on them! LOL

decisions....decisions...