God only knows...

I seem to be posting mostly on a semi-annual or quarterly basis. I wish I had a better explanation but life’s been insanely busy. Work is well work and I have a long history as a workaholic. We’ve had a lot of challenges lately and Lord knows I love a good challenge.

I seem to attract the problem child projects. And at first you might say, oh that’s not good. You’d have to look back at my life to see it’s a common thread. Right sizing projects gone slightly astray. Solutioning through strategy and deployment. There’s been very few challenges that I’ve been unable to work thru. 

Lord knows I’ve been through some insane experiences. I’m a pastors kid, you’d think that would be enough. At the very least, I’m glad I can look back and say none of it broke me to the point of being beyond repair and a solely by the Grace of God.

I’ve been reflecting on the word resilience. Mainly because I came across a really great song and it’s been a constant on my playlist. The lyrics are very real to me about a specific time in my life but I think they apply to us all. 

If I had listened to the naysayers, I wouldn’t be where I am today. It’s why I’m so very grateful for second chances and will champion second chances until my last breath. 

“God only knows what they say about you”

I could write a book about that line. That experience has been a long process to work thru and in some ways, I rebelled taking the 180 in the opposite direction. I wanted nothing to do with very specific circles and purposefully kept my distance. Deep down I knew it couldn’t be that way forever and in many ways a shift has begun. I’m grateful in a lot of ways. I learned a lot of powerful lessons during that period in my life. It led to a lot of commonalities with Ricardo and allowed me let my guard down early in our relationship. 

In certain circles, people find comfort in those who don’t ever challenge the status quo or who don’t rock the boat. It’s taken me a good 15 years but I finally accepted that that will likely never be me which suits me fine. It’s an advantage in my line of work. Tech is obsolete in months and it’s ever evolving. It’s a constant effort of reading and learning to keep current. I don’t mind it but it’s also a lot of work to stay current and thereby relevant to my workaholic tendencies.

I’ve never shied away from rolling up my sleeves and digging into the work. That aspect has stayed with me and I’m glad. Hard work are values passed down from my grandparents to my parents and now my siblings and hopefully, it’s a value that will passed down to our nieces and nephews. 

Often times, we embark on a journey and at the time we cannot see the fullness of what’s at work. I look back at my journey and all the things that have led us to this point and time: at how events and people have impacted our lives in incredibly significant ways; how experiences and people shape what we do, and the call-to-action in our lives today.

Ricardo and I have a giving plan that we establish annually. We’ll chose a few initiatives to give to through that year. There are a few items that will be long-standing on that list while others may rotate in and out. We give because we’ve been incredible blessed. One of those blessings is the benevolence of our parents. I’ve watched both our parents give faithfully to community, family, and church in obedience to their faith and because they want their lives to count for more than just “seashells.” You’ll have to reference a John Piper sermon for the seashells. 

Lately we’ve been feeling a few things weigh heavy on us. So we’ve taken steps to move forward in supporting those things we feel so strongly about. For me, that’s the greater calling of our lives. 

This last year has been a lot about carving our own path. We’ve been settling into our outside-the-box view/approach/ and delivery. What we’ve learned is you can love your country and still question her approaches, you can support her while challenging her to be better. Questioning the why’s doesn’t make you any less loyal or makes you lesser or greater than those who don’t. 

We also know we can’t be true to ourselves and our convictions while remaining silent. And if you think it hasn’t cost us anything, it’s cost us more than you could know. We’ve had folks we’ve know for most of our lives walk away from us. We don’t harbor an ill-will towards them but we also can’t deviate from a path laid and illuminated before us just because some don’t agree with us. 

At the same time, God’s been really faithful to bring like-minded folks across our path and those who will challenge us when needed. I’m most grateful for those relationships. They keep us accountable to our calling and life’s work. 

And all those experiences that have been meant to harm us have only refined us and defined our path. 

They’ve colored our world in new ways and pulled back the curtains of illusion. They’ve given us a depth to our empathy and patience to our understanding that while it can be dark in reality is also beautifully surreal. 

Today I’m grateful to be in this place. All of the past has led us to this point. We like to believe that nothing is in vain.

This week we meet with an organization to fund a new initiative in honor and memory of our nieces and nephews. Ricardo and I are not parents yet and we don’t know that we’ll ever be biological parents. But we fully love our nieces and nephews and desire a better world for them. We’ve purposes to work to that end. Some days we find success and others we find ourselves a few steps behind but we’re pushing daily.

I don’t know where you’re at in your life. Don’t know the circumstances of what you’re facing or what’s been said about you. Don’t know the dreams that seem so far out of reach. Maybe you consider yourself to be the “lonely, the ashamed,  misunderstood, or the one to blame.”

Don’t give up. Don’t give into the beliefs of the naysayers. Don’t give into the thought that it will never come to pass. Maybe all you need is someone to be in your corner. Someone to say, you’ve got what it takes or it’s possible. Know that we are...no matter how badly you think you’ve messed things up, redemption is real and it’s closer than you think. And while it may not end in what you expected, when you put in the work and you surrender, you’ll find that what’s come to you is better than what you anticipated. Keep pressing, keep working, keep seeking...

God only knows what you've been through

God only knows what they say about you

God only knows how it's killing you

But there's a kind of love that God only knows

God only knows what you've been through

God only knows what they say about you

God only knows the real you

There's a kind of love that God only knows

For the lonely, for the ashamed
The misunderstood, and the ones to blame
What if we could start over
We could start over
We could start over
Oh for the lonely, for the ashamed
The misunderstood, and the ones to blame
What if we could start over
We could start over
We could start over
'Cause there's a kind of love that God only knows

https://youtu.be/LyXpX4fuS0E

Keeping Score

A little over a month ago, we celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary and our 9th relationship anniversary. Nine years have gone by in the blink of an eye. My prayer is that we’re granted many many more years together. 

Ricardo and I didn’t marry as young twenty something year olds. We were well into our 30’s and both been through the ebb and flow of life. We’ve experienced tragedies, been through heartache and in the most devine timing were brought into each other’s lives. We were not naive to the challenges or incredible beauty our relationship would have. Ricardo’s a realist and I’m the optimist. I deal with what I know and take things one moment to the next. We prepare for the worst and hope for the best. We bring each other the balance we each need. 

But we didn’t arrive here over night. A very very long time ago, a really good accountability partner gave me a quote: “wisdom is learning from mistakes, preferably not your own.” I took those words to heart and while I’ve made plenty of mistakes all on my own, I stopped to observe those around me and especially those in my inner circle. We’ve cried and prayed together. We sat silently in the roughest of times and we’ve shared pages of text in support of one another. I don’t take for granted those relationships. They’ve allowed me to see upclose all their glories and imperfections and they’ve alllowed me to learn from them. 

Another friend once said, people who come into your life are woven into the tapestry of your life and what you carry with you is hopefully the best of them or a lesson learned. I agree.

Over the last few years, Ricardo and I experienced really incredible losses in the passing of loved ones and dear friends. We could stop to wallow in the what-if’s but I don’t think those questions will ever be answered this-side-of-heaven. We could get stuck in that place of what-if but we’ve chosen to move forward and honor their lives in a variety of ways. We haven’t forgotten, we don’t miss them any less, the hole in our hearts their departure has left isn’t filled. But we’ve decided that their living wouldn’t be in vain and that we’d find ways to continue their legacy and to make their lives continue to matter. 

We’ve given to support initiatives, we’ve extended grace when it was the hardest thing to do, we talk of them often, we take time to reflect on their lives, but most importantly, we carry their essence in the things we do and in the whys. Their passing reminds us that life is not guaranteed and that it’s like a vapor. Here one minute and could be gone the next. It reminds us not to take for granted the seemingly small moments. 

I work in Wound Care/Health Care. Just through my every day work, I’m amazed at the intricacies of the body and how all the elements that must line up to give us life. We focus mostly on skin in Wound Care. Skin integrity and healing... how when certain elements are missing, healing can stall. 

I think the same can be said of our emotion, spiritual, relational and mental health...not just our physical health. 

Over the next few months, we’ll take part in a number of celebrations. My grandmother turns 90, our close friends are celebrating their 15th anniversary, one of my siblings will turn 40, and our oldest niece will marry. These are the joyous moments of life. 

It’s been our niece’s wedding that caused me to reflect on my own relationship with Ricardo. I look back at the start of our relationship and it’s only be recently that I realized the dangers of “keeping score.” It’s part of our human nature to keep track of the wrongs committed against us. Oh we can forgive but forgetting is harder still. I’ve thought about what advice I would give my niece if ever asked. There are so many things to say about marriage but it all boils down to one thing. Don’t ever, ever keep score...keeping score takes us to a place that can starve the healthiest of relationships. It’s a focus on look what I’ve done compared to you. 

As I though my about that, I thought about the concept of unconditional love. I was reminded of 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 and was reminded that “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

It keeps no record of wrongs. 

That’s unconditional love and if we want to receive it, we have to extend it. It is not easy but i say it’s harder yet to maintain the roster of wrong-doing. It’s a policing effort that in the bigger scope of things would be better spent in other ways. 

So I leave you with these words from my current favorite song by Dan and Shay, Keeping score:

Cause I know I'm only human

Don't know how many sunsets I got left

And I don't wanna ruin

This moment by wondering what comes next

I just want to love you 

Like it's all I'm living for

Hold you close, enjoy you more

And spend a little less time keeping score

Maybe you’ve been secretly keeping a score sheet, maybe it’s been a mental one...it’s never to late to reset the scoreboard. But it’s a choice to do so...it’s a choice to say I’m going to focus on unconditional love than fighting a never winning battle. Our humanity will cause us to fail one another but focusing on the right things will keep us moving forward. It’s one of the things our good friend Chris imparted and planted into our marriage. 

Keeping score

Someday we're gonna look back 
On a night like tonight
The car I pulled up in
The necklace you're wearing 
Won't even cross our minds
Someday we're gonna blink twice
Say it happens like that
How much money we saved up 
For the time that we gave up
Well, it'll all just be math

I know I'm only human
Don't know how many sunsets I got left
And I don't wanna ruin
This moment by wondering what comes next

I just want to love you 
Like it's all I'm living for
Hold you close, enjoy you more
And spend a little less time keeping score

If we're rich to somebody
We're poor to somebody else
We could be happy and nameless
Or broken and famous
But, from what I can tell

Is that it doesn't really matter
You can't take with you when you go
Life is only getting faster (life is only getting faster)
So, baby, I'd rather 
Take tonight nice and slow

'Cause I know I'm only human
Don't know how many sunsets I got left
And I don't wanna ruin
This moment by wondering what comes next

I just want to love you 
Like it's all I'm living for
Hold you close, enjoy you more
And spend a little less time keeping score

Be with me now
Be with me right now
Be with me right here, right now
Be with me now
Be with me right now
Be with me right here, right now

I know I'm only human
Don't know how many sunsets I got left
And I don't wanna ruin
This moment by wondering what comes next

I just want to love you 
Like it's all I'm living for
Hold you close, enjoy you more
And spend a little less time keeping score
Oh, yeah
Keeping score

Wedding Anniversary #4

Four years had gone by in the blink of an eye. I sat down to make a video of the things Ricardo and I have experienced over the last 9 years and have been blessed to share with one another. 

So many great things have happened in this season of our lives. Many tough moments too but what I can say I’ve learned most about this season is the blessing of the time we have together. I don’t take it for granted for a second. 

This anniversary has been a bit different because Ricardo and I had a spat a few days ago. And we’ve had many over the years. However, the one thing I can say with certainty is that while my husband may not always hear me the first go around. He does listen and he always creates a safe and secure environment where I know I can talk openly about whatever it is that’s weighing on me in that moment. Sometimes words are necessary and sometimes I just have to lean over and rest my head on his shoulder. 

I know for certain that unconditional love is real and possible. I had friend tell me the other day, you have more patience than I do. I said it’s because I love that man do that he gets the grace that he does...that and Jesus. Cause Lord knows on my own, I’m not capable. I think that’s been a beautiful thing to see. Especially for people who know me well and know I’m a no nonsense type of girl. When I’m done, I’m done and I will walk away with no regrets and without looking back. 

So in the last year, my approach with Ricardo has changed a bit. A lot of it at the words of our dear friend, Chris, who told us to walk in grace and love each other because time is fleeting. We didn’t know that within weeks, he’d leave this world for the heavenlies. He left behind such an incredible delible mark on those who knew and loved him. 

Unknowingly, he left an impression on Ricardo and I that had led us down new paths in renewing our work in faith. While we’re taking baby steps, Chris really rekindled a spark in our spiritual lives. Not in a way to place Chris on a pedestal but in how Chris really gave Christ place in his life. In how lived, what he said, and how he responded to what was before him. 

I will always remember walking out of their hospital room the day we found out his diagnosis. Our hope was to encourage our friends and let them know we were standing in the gap with them. But we walked out very much changed and blessed by Chris’s response and hope. That hope never ever waivered. 

In the first photo below, Chris and Patricia joined us for our “couples” dance. It’s the memory I hold of them and of Chris because he loved his wife deeply as she loved him. Patricia is to be very much a mentor as a wife and friend. I know when she says she’s praying for us, she is really praying for us. 

They really celebrated and encouraged our marriage as witnesses to the vows we made. But they also knew the realities of life and just how much work marriage requires.

Ricardo and I very much understood that even long before we stood at the altar. We never believed it was a fairytale and we very much knew we’d face trials and challenges. But we’ve learned how to walk through them together. We are partners in life and while there may be times we may not like each other very much, we do love each other very much. Looking back at our short four years of marriage, I think we’ve also learned from each other. We’ve made monumental mistakes but I’m always astounded by the grace we manage to give to each other. 

Over the last year and half, we’ve lost loved ones. Watched our family and friends walk through loss and some through divorce. But we’ve experienced some really incredible moments and joy. We found out before Christmas that our flower girl is in remission from cancer. I read my friends post of her tests report and I could help the tears that welled up. I know how she’s been prayed and hoped for! So to get such amazing news was just really incredible. 

At the same time, we got to spend time with my sister through a few vacations. I’m always grateful for time with my siblings and more so since my sister lost her husband. Just like Chris, Cary is greatly missed by his family. Having watched my sister walk through that experience brings new light to Patricia’s and also slows my tongue in moments where I want to lash out at Ricardo. 

I think after their experiences I really understood that the world with try to maim my husband, he doesn’t need to add me to the list. My job is to be his support in those moments and love him unconditionally. We’re not afraid to face the tough stuff and we know we’re still growing as individuals and together as a married couple. But it’s work ya’ll! I know I’m getting some “amens” out there. It ain’t all roses and chocolates. 

For me it’s not just about the romance of our marriage but very much about sharing life with my best friend in life. It’s being in a safe environment to be myself without fear of judgement and to voice my concerns or worries of the day. It’s knowing he may not have all the answers but that he’s not gonna let me walk through whatever we’re facing alone. 

It’s very much “to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge myself to you."