A little over due...

What happens when you've driven through crazy weather, found out your grandmother was taken to the ER, and can't sleep (possibly from the dinner you just had hours ago)? 

My response...write a blog. Must mean I have some things on my mind and yes there's quite a bit - from all fronts. 

So first things first, the drive home. I originally intended to come home last weekend but was nursing an ailing wrist. Still recovering but in much better shape than last week! 

As it would be, the weather was a bit nasty and so it took me an hour longer to get through the hill country. I called me mom as soon as I got in and discovered my grandmother had been taken to the ER and so off to her house I went. My Grandfather had a stroke recently and slowly has been deteriorating. To his credit, he's been extremely active for most of his life and now his body is tiring. My grandmother has been his primary caregiver with help from family members.

I try to see my grandparents as often as possible. A few years ago, I realized I had this rare opportunity of time to get to know them better in my adulthood as I finished my undergrad degree. So I tried to stop by as often as possible and even learned how to make tamales with my  sister by my grandmother.

I learned about their families and where they and from. Heard stories (some even inflated! by my grandpa) with my grandmother setting my grandfather straight!

Some really great memories! So it's hard to see them aging. It's inevitable though...I see it in my parents and it reminds me just how fleeting time is!

Brings me to my brother-in-law: I'm not sure exactly what to say but that he's still with us and undergoing a treatment in a facility in Houston. His situation is precarious at best and I'm not going to comment much out of respect for my sister. I do think the current care he is receiving is a step in a positive direction and I pray for their next steps. End of life care and end of life care decisions are never easy and even though we may think oh this is what I'd want in that situation until you're there: you don't realize just how difficult it really is on everyone.

For us, the most important things is the happiness and safety of my sister, her boys, and Cary. There are no clear cut answers and no simple solutions. But we pray whatever time God grants them together leaves positive impressions on the boys. Life is hard and challenging: we don't deny that not do we sugar coat life to think that it's great all the time. Instead we attempt to live out unconditional love and support. Even when it means FaceTime'ing with two little boys hunkered down in a 'Secret Fort'! 

As if those challenges in life weren't enough, a lot of changes happening at work. My team is growing quickly and as new people are added, adjustments are being made. I don't stress over things like that over change. It's necessary and inevitable. I try to remain positive and to turn the challenge into teachable learning moments. So with the holidays comes a fury of activity and many deadlines. Secretly I find it enthralling! Ask me in a few months how it went!

So then there's Mr Ricardo! This man who I'm extremely grateful for! He gives me the freedom to be where I need to be and understands the things most important to me. Not only does he support my dreams but he takes care of the things that I cannot. Like fixing my car after I ran over a carcass! He doesn't demand that I attend his family holidays nor do I demand that of him. We had some discussions about Thanksgiving and initially I was going to spend it with his family but because of recent events feel the need to come home and be with my family. He understands that and is ok with it. He takese to see my nephews whenever I ask and more important cares for my nephews. I don't know what if do without this man! I'd survive for sure but he makes my life better. So the question we're always asked: when are you getting engaged? 

We've been together coming up on four years...I get it but I also get this issue of timing. Being the right thing for both of us and when it's the right time, it'll happen. I'm not anxious about it not expecting a time table...we have limited time to be where we are now and rather than runnig and jumping into the next phase: I'd rather things evolve naturally and not artificially. This relationship is to important to jump and skip ahead...so sorry folks no easy answers and besides I'm not the one doing the asking anyhow! Lol my job is to sit back and enjoy the ride and it's been a sweet one so far!

I'm finally sleepy and there's actually a lot going on this weekend. Finishing up the planning for my folks 40th anniversary dinner so tomorrow is a busy day! And of course keeping an eye on the weather for the travel home!   Next week is a three day work week...well I say that but inevitably end up taking work home! Be blessed!

Temporary Home

HOLA WORLD!

I know it's been a while. I've been waiting to write until I have some great epiphany or incredible news...but most of the news these days has been a bit sad. I feel like I won a one way ticket to crazy-town with all the insanity in my life.

All that to say that yes I do count the incredible blessings in my life and all the crazy-town happenings force me to appreciate the very small things in life. Like when Ricardo holds my hand or lets me sing like a crazy maniac to Lisa Loeb's Stay in the car on the drive to Angelo.

We're in town to celebrate my birthday. Oh yes another year has come and gone. At this conjecture, I'm glad to be alive and in decent health, a few pounds heavier but otherwise doing ok. Yes my bro-in-law is approaching the end-of-life, yes, i've lost more loved ones this year than all the years of my life...yes life seems crazy insane. I sat down earlier this week and thought God how is it possible to have sanity through any of this and He reminded me how: because deep down I know He's in control.

I make feeble attempts to shoulder the crazy and when I'm just about to bang my head against the tiled walls in the shower; I resign and allow God to take His rightful place. Yes - I alone cannot shoulder the burden but then again I was never meant to. It's in those moments that God graciously - did I say graciously? I meant GRACIOUSLY steps in a takes and carries that burden for me. For that I'm grateful beyond words.

At this point in life, you have to find or I mean I HAVE TO FIND beauty in the everyday kinda moments. Like over lunch conversation with a co-worker. I've really had to step outside of my wants and needs and reach out to others. It's been good to be connected - to have fellowship and have support.

One thing I've learned, no matter how you feel, no matter what you face - life continues moving forward. People continue moving forward. I believe its not about our reaction but about our response to life. What do I choose to do with what I know, what I have with what I do...

In the midst of the crazy, there are some really great things happening. I've been asked to be a part of the NSHMBA Ignite Panel at their national conference in Oct in San Antonio. Huge opportunity to talk about what NSHMBA has meant in my professional life and the opportunities available to students. I know that my education is a blessing from God and committed to giving back and helping other students achieve and accomplish their dreams and goals. It's why as a family we're committed to the Raiders Rojos Scholarship Fund in honor of my Mom - a veteran educator. It's why I pass on whatever knowledge I have to my co-workers and work hard to continue fostering a collaborative work environment with my team. It's why I love my job and the people I work with who understand we are working towards a common goal for the good of the organization we serve. It's also why I pass on any resources I have to anyone interested and looking to better themselves, their families, and their world. I'm a sucker for anyone who wants to affect positive change!

So being back in town - always good to visit your roots and since that also includes most of my extended family then of course its good to be back! Visiting my grandparents tomorrow and dinner tomorrow night. This trip though is bittersweet for a number of reasons.

First, my sister is on vacation with her family nucleus enjoying some last moments with Cary - my bro-in-law. Making memories for the boys and embrace the time they have left together. She spoke with the hospice dr and was told Cary doesn't have much time left. She's been in this boat before so she's not exactly embracing the expectations - though we are very aware that it is somewhere on the horizon. We'd love to spend some time with boys but they need to spend time with their mommy and daddy...its that important.

I have two good friends who have lost loved ones this week - almost hours apart from each other. The first her father - whom we have known for a number of years and is just an incredible guy. He's young by what I consider to be death's standards. He leaves an incredible legacy and touched many lives. In my opinion, his calling home was unexpected.

Tonight after dinner, my dad joined Ricardo and I at the table and we told stories of our time with this family and specifically about Pastor Johnny Fira. He always made us laugh and he could make his wife laugh like crazy!  You always knew he was in trouble when she would say JOHNNY FIRA! Lol...He's also left behind two children and grandchild. If he felt about his grandson the way my dad does about his....then he leaves behind a void only a grandpa can fill. Something special about grandparents and their grandchildren. Kristen has been a long-time friend and we go waaaaay back to Ga's and Acteens.

She spent some time with us at my parents church and has a testimony of her own. But i've watched her come into her own and become a mother and wife. It's a really beautiful thing. I also know she loves her daddy dearly. I know she loves both her parents dearly...so I ask for prayers for them. For her mom who loved her dad in such a beautiful way. She cared for him in his final days. I remember the time she told me about her wedding day and the smile on her face and the sparkle in her eyes. She loved that man deeply in a way that's an incredible example of a God-centered marriage. I'm not saying they're perfect or anyone one of us is perfect I"m just saying that they lived life in the attempt to Glorify God and point others to Him. Isnt that how each believer attempts to live life?

My other friend lost his grandfather. He lived a very long life and will be missed by many. Age doesn't make the loss any less painful. This friend also has a daughter who was given a devastating diagnosis late last year. It's something I just cant wrap my brain around. I think if anything - his daughter has taught me to make the most of each moment. Her picture hangs on my refrigerator and every time I see it - I say a prayer for her and her mommy and daddy. So it goes without saying that prayers for the Rodriguez family are much appreciated.

So life after death has become ever apparent to me. it has to with everything happening around me and to the people I care about most. This is life...we are living and dying...I go back to the little things. Not getting caught up in the unimportant things but focusing on the things that do matter in life. Making my relationships count and giving them the importance they require.

I'm so thankful for the people who have crossed paths with mine. I may not favor some folks but those challenging situations in our lives make us better and hopefully stronger people! As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another....in so many ways the folks in my life do that for me...they sharpen me...prepare me for what's to come, make me better in ways that I would never be capable of....its when I stop to see, understand, and embrace that - that I see the true value in the relationships in my life...its not all about them pouring into my life but also about giving back to others....to challenge yourself to be better for others...to serve and to love others.

I understand that its easier to say than do...more than you could know. But I also know that I wasn't called to do the easy thing in this life. God has never worked that way in the course of my life and I certainly don't expect Him to start now. I know its because - in this format it makes me trust Him and to lean on Him completely.

I like to be somewhat self-sufficient and reliant but more and more I see the beauty of being connected to something better and bigger than myself. There's a real value in being sharpened by others.I could name so many folks who have challenged me to be better - gave me so many great memories - taught me so many things - accepted me when I needed to be accepted and embraced me as the family of God. I know I'm not the only one who received such an incredible gift from them. I'm grateful for every fiber of fabric woven into my life. Thankful for opportunities that I'm not capable on my own.

So tomorrow as I celebrate with family and friends, I realize that there's not much more that I could want or need. I've been blessed beyond measure and truly my hearts desire is to just pass on and give back the blessings bestowed upon me. For that reason I say that life is good. It's good because even though i'm so grateful for another year of life - there's this part of me that mourns with my friends - mourns to see them hurt and to know a small piece of the loss they feel - I'm grateful to be alive to be able to tell my loved ones exactly how I feel about them, grateful for the opportunity to be an extension of God's love...I'm not perfect and I continue to have much growing to do...but the one thing that i'm most certain of is that I have more than enough...that God has provided more than enough. That all I need has already been provided to me...it clears the rose stained lenses and gives me a clear picture of the 'stuff of life'.

so today I encourage you to make the most of your moments with loved ones. Hug your mom, call and tell your dad that you love him just because....no one knows when their last moments will be and when I reach the end of my time here, I want to know that I did everything I could to run my race and that I made every attempt to run it well.

To those who have gone before us - thank you for running your race, thank you for running it well, and thank you for blessing us with the essence of who you were - you caused us to grow, gave to us great gifts of laughter and joy, and teach us how to run our race better! Words could never be enough to express that gratitude so I choose to honor you be allowing your life and what you imparted into mine to change me for the better to be better not just for myself but for others and and those around me and to honor God.

Thanks for joining me in tonight's ramblings...my heart is sad for my friends but joyful in knowing my friends will see their loved ones again. Joyful for the lives they lived and the work accomplished in their lives. Our lives are better because they were in them. It's not goodbye only goodnight...after all, this was only your temporary home.

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Trusting the unseen

I'm out in New Mexico for a few days. My brother is here for a runners convention and I joined him to catch the Burning Lights Tour.

A long time friend DJ Promote is on the tour along with Kari Jobe and Chris Tomlin. Supporting our friends in ministry: something we try to do often. Certain that comes from our folks.

I've been under the weather and working through some respiratory issues. Needless to say comin to higher altitudes probably not super smart but tonight was worth it.

To say we've been through the mill in this season of our lives is an understatement. We're anxiously awaiting and dreading "that phone" call. Most of you know I'm referring to my bro-in-laws condition. He's surprised everyone but that is Cary. He will pass from this life when God calls him home and only God knows when thy will be.

So like most trips in the last few months, this one was weary laden. We've had a lot of shuffling around with my mom or parents going to help my sister. Being there to help with the boys etc. often we get back from one commitment and are off to my sister's.

Please don't miss understand there is ok complaining here just setting the scene concerning the struggle. I wouldn't change it either. Tired not tired I couldn't see myself not being there for my sister and nephews. It's what we do its who we are.

So tonight was for me a reminder of who we place our hope in. It was a chance to worship through and despite the storm and it was a reminder that even in sorrow and hardship there is peace. Joy comes in the mourning/morning...

We're only partway through this difficult journey...and God continues to amaze me, amaze us as a family, of His faithfulness never giving to any of us more than we can bear!

So tonight for me was about celebrating who God is and all the promises He's given us.

I was able to sit and reflect and release. Release worry, sorrow, concern, anxiety, all the things I'd not been able to express. I was reminded of who is before us and who stands behind us.

In this desert land of NM, I found an oasis of refreshment and rejuvenation via The Burning Light Tour.

All it took was being still and being in Gods presence to know that peace that passes all understanding. It's a beautiful thing!

We are family....

I've been trying to find a quiet moment to write. Life has been beyond crazy on so many levels.

Last week I traveled to be with my sister and her family. I've written many times about my Brother-in-law and his state of health which continues to deteriorate. He's in hospice care and is now home. We've been told that he doesn't have long and like all other things we're trusting in God's timing.

My sister contracted an infection in her finger and had hand surgery in Jan. The infection hadn't cleared and she had a second surgery last Thursday which was to include a graft. They were unable to complete the graft and she goes in for a third surgery tomorrow. We also learned that the infection had gone to the bone and the DR had to chisel some away.

Given her surgery and two small boys, she needed some help.

No surprise I packed my bags and headed their direction to provide a hand. In the last year, I decided that family is one of my priorities. We've been through a number of ordeals in the last year or so.

There have been great blessings too! Lots of joys including time with my two small nephews whom I love very much. At the end of the day, who I am is an older sister. I didn't always take up for my siblings as a kid which I think I tend to overcompensate for in my adult life.

At the drop of a hat, I'd take off to whatever city my sibling lives in to give them a helping hand.I don't apologize for it and don't regret any time I spend with my folks and siblings because at the end of the day, family is all I really have. It's why I love Ricardo so much. He understands family dedication and I've seen him give and do for his own family.

Living in the same city has been good in a number of ways. But it also allows me to spend time with him during the week - freeing me up to be with my family on weekends. It's more important now as my Brother-in-law's health wanes. I suspect he won't be with us very much longer.

Of course, no one knows but God when its time for someone to go on to the next life.

We were told that my grandmother wouldn't make it through the end of the week and she surprised everyone by surviving over 2 months longer.

Given my sister's surgery and BIL's health - I'm constantly reminded how short life is. So my decision making is prefaced with that in mind.

I returned to my office today. Busy to get ahead of a long list of work tasks. Then I received an email from my brother about the Boston marathon. Shortly after a text from Ricardo about the same topic.

For most in my office, it was a bit of disbelief but business as usual.

My brother had friends and teammates (on his Beef Team) running in the Boston Marathon. I know he's been working to qualify and is close.

I try to make it out to his races to cheer him on but also because I've heard of runners collapsing and the thought my brother being alone in the event something should happen is why I make the effort to be there. I'm proud of his accomplishments but also want to be sure he's taken care of too. I'm an older sister that's what I do - look after my siblings.

I've watched my mom do it with her own siblings and I know that in doing so it makes my parents proud and more at ease that we're looking out for each other.

So hearing the news about spectators at the Boston sort of his home. I know what its like to wait anxiously for your loved one to cross the finish line. Cheering them on and being proud of their accomplishments.

I also know what it has taken for my brother to reach this point which is why I feel the need to share his own posts regarding today's events.

I'm still trying to wrap my head around what happened in Boston today.  I find that when I'm like this it helps to write, so here goes.  I'm really bothered by today, probably more than I should be.  I guess this tragedy just hits close to home.  I had a lot of folks check on me, which I appreciated.  While I didn't run today, I had friends running and luckily they are all ok.  Work was pretty busy, but still managed to follow their progress online.  I was really excited for them.  If you aren't a runner, then you may or may not know what I'm about to tell you.  Getting into the Boston Marathon is hard!  It's especially hard for my age group.  I have to run a marathon in 3:05, or at about a 7 min/mile pace.  This basically means I have to finish in the top 3% of your typical marathon field.  I've been working on this for awhile and am getting closer (I finished in the top 5% in Austin).  I'm hoping to qualify for Boston later this year.

So with that being told, you can understand my excitement for my friends.  Running Boston is every marathoners dream.  Getting your jacket and medal means that you've arrived as a runner.  It means you are legit!  It's supposed to be a victory lap celebrating all of the hard work you put in to get there.  I've been dreaming of running Boston for awhile now.  It's what makes me get up at 5 am on weekends to run 13 or so miles.  It's what drives me to wear tights and run when its 20 degrees outside.  So part of me feels bad for everyone who worked so hard to run Boston only to have this moment turned into a bitter tragedy.  I can only imagine those runners who were at mile 26 and had to stop so close to their goal.  Even worse, I can imagine being stopped at 26 and finding out what happened with no way to check on your family.

But while having your dream crushed is hard, the pointless loss of life is even worse.  The people there did nothing wrong.  They were there to celebrate with their loved ones.  The finish line of a race is the best.  It's where all the crowd gathers.  When you're tired, you get an extra kick to push to the finish just from the cheering.  The scene is supposed to be euphoric, not tragic.  My thoughts and prayers are with those who lost loved ones.  One of the victims was only eight, which is about my nephew's age.  It's just very sad and makes no sense.

My sister and I were talking earlier and she said "this almost makes you want to not do anything big."  Well, I'm not going to let the fear of death stop me from living.  What's the point of living if you never truly live?  Racing itself can be dangerous which is why I pray that I live to race again each time I step into a corral.   I'm a Christian and I'm pretty confident in where I'm going, so I'm not afraid to die.  However, I've still got a whole lot to live for.  That being said, I'm still going to train and I WILL RUN BOSTON!  I won't try to make sense of what happened because you can't. I'll just be praying for those affected.

He's absolutely right. None of us knows when our days on earth will end.

Certainly no one at the Boston Marathon expected the end that it came to. I hope that our American spirit will prevail and that we will live not in fear but despite of it. That we'd continue to do the things that we'd normally do.

The day will come when my brother qualifies and rest assure, I will be there to cheer him on!

Because that is who I am: a sister to a marathon runner.

Life is too short to be lived in fear and in the what if's. I hope that's something we teach my young nephews that they see how we embrace life and the opportunities afforded to each of us; making the most of what we've been given.

The last week has been tough and I suspect the weeks to come may be tougher. But with God and each other; I know God will provide a way for us.

Love deeply and let your loved ones know exactly how you feel. Make amends when possible and the whole point of all of this is to live so that in the end it can be said that you ran a good race!

The little things...

Written last Sunday (3/10): Last week in my world was grueling. Not in a way that was heavy just stressful and demanding. In light of everything else, it paled in comparison.

I think it's easy to blame responses we have on our "tough" or "stressful" weeks at work. A few years ago, I may have come home and crawled into bed. Instead, I shrugged it off and enjoyed a nice date with Ricardo. We went to a new movie theater to see Oz The Great and Powerful.

Sitting in a nice comfy recliner, we ordered dinner and enjoyed a night out. We were both tired from long weeks but graciously Ricardo indulged me this treat. Saturday found me painting a vase at Cafet Monet! So excited to see the final result on Friday!

I made a quick trip home to see my folks. Most people would visit friends or engage in a hobby or do nothing after a tough week and perhaps I'd normally be one of them. Lately, we've had a lot going on in our family. I spend a lot of time traveling to be with them even though I'm in this great city. I don't regret it, it's just part of this season in my life.

I'm an older sister and no matter how old my siblings are: I will always attempt to look out for them and also respect their space and choices in life. We're all very different and have different outlooks on life: it's just who we are and part of being adult siblings is respecting those differences. It can be hard but I think the bigger picture for me is just wanting to see them safe and happy. What can I say: I'm a protective mexican sister! I think I've always been transparent about my family and what they mean to me. I work hard to have meaningful relationships and work hard to maintain them.

Some of you have been more present than others and certainly there's nothin wrong with that, that's just where life has taken us. I have this love hate relationship with Facebook for that reason. So many of you have shared your life's experiences with me via the social experiment that is Facebook. It's allowed me to connect and re-connect with those of you I might not have been afforded the opportunity to, otherwise. It's beautiful in that regard. Others have taken a lazy route to rely on Facebook for the inner workings of my life. A fallacy because while I work hard to be true and loyal to myself in h writings and posts: I if d high value on keeping some things private only shared in face to face interaction. So for that I think Facebook can give a false sense of feeling that you really know someone by their FB posts.

For many reasons, I don't discuss or air certain parts of my life on FB. My relationship with Ricardo is certainly one. Do I love this man and want people to know know he's a part of my world: sure. I don't feel that every aspect is privy to all eyes.

I also work hard to protect my sometimes pointed comments when something in my life has irritated or upset me and try to remain as ambiguous as possible because sometimes it can hurt those you care most about in your life.

Fast forward to tonight (3/15):

Another tough week fighting an upper respiratory crud, allergies, massive sinus headaches, and mocos! Boooo to mocos! I spent most of the week playing catch up and feelin like there want enough time in the day!

But I did get my vase and I'm please with the results: so pretty to me!

So I'd like to talk about giving. I've live by the philosophy that you reap what you sow: always! Often time I'm moved to give my time and when able my finances. My view: God's blessed me with more than I could ever imagine possible; allowed some of my greatest dreams to come tue and the things in my life possible: others have poured into my life and blessed me so the greatest way to honor them is to give back to those in need.

So I give in whatever way I feel God leading. I'd had a conversation with God about giving without expectation of return. Then I heard a sermon on the radio and a lot of songs and had conversations with other about giving without the expectation of return - giving just to be a blessing to someone else.

It's also amazing how when you do give God always makes provision for needs. I believe we have to be good stewards of those things entrusted to our care.

So I'd like to present you with an opportunity to bless a few folks that I personally know would benefit greatly from your gifts.

The first is Jeff Peters from San Angelo. He was diagnosed with leukemia and Lord willing has a donor for a bone marrow transplant later this month. His story and how you can help can be found at: www.pray4jeff.com

I know Jeff because in the late 90's we played in a band together. Jeff is the real deal and has a head after God's. he'd give you the shirt of his own back if you needed it and is just about one of the best listeners I've ever known! Through this journey he's remained optimistic and hopeful pointing attributing it all to God's glory!

The next is a friend I went to jr high with and her son Keegan. Keegan is in need of a service animal and his dad was recently deployed. You can find their story and make a donation here: http://www.gofundme.com/MiracleforKeegan

Keegan's mom, Becky, and I have remained in contact via Facebook and as I've posted about my sister and brother-in-law she's sent me notes to say they've been in her prayers and she's always asked me how they are doing! Her actions mirror the words "more than you ever know" by Watermark!

Finally, my good friends, Anthony and Crystal, discovered their daughter has a rare genetic mutation and has been tentatively diagnosed with AT.

Defined:

ABOUT ATAXIA-TELANGIECTASIA

Ataxia-telangiectasia, or A-T, is a rare genetic disease that attacks children, causing progressive loss of muscle control, immune system problems, and a high rate of cancer.

What is A-T?

A-T affects a large variety of systems in the body, causing symptoms that affect health and daily living.

You can learn more about the disease here: http://www.atcp.org/page.aspx?pid=3642

In the months to come, I'll be working with friends and family to support fundraising activities to support them as they seek necessary medical care for their daughters chronic condition.

This is important to me because Zaria isn't even 7 yet and the life expectancy with this disease is somewhere in the late 20's to early 30's. Anthony and Crystal will likely have a hard journey ahead with specific modifications needed like moving into a single story dwelling. If you're interested in helping with our efforts, you can inbox me on Facebook or shoot me an email at lmleyva@suddenlink.net.

I've known Anthony since I was in 7th grade and apart from my cousins and Jackie and family camp friends - he's one of m oldest friends. He harasses me like a brother too!

Please consider helping one of these friends. Blessings have a way of returning to you in unexpected ways! Even when you don't expect it.

Blessings to all!

Ps - included pictures of the before and after at Cafe Monet!

Site seeing

Words

Sometimes we just need a little inspiration.

More than you'll ever know

So appreciative of all the messages and prayers offered on behalf of my family. Last week was rough but as always God has seen us through its end.

His Grace is always sufficient and for the blessing of you we call friends and family, there are no words or actions to appropriately express all the love we have felt from you.

Your prayers mean so much to us during moments of decision making when wisdom is needed or just having tough moments.

Just wanted you to know that yes there is power in prayer. I'm hopin to go deeper in a post in the near future.

For now, it is late. I'll expand more tomorrow, but just had to say thank you and express our gratitude!

I can honestly say that your encouragement and prayers have helped us in so many ways. From my own personal experiences, they keep me safe in my crazy travels and often resolve issues that would take up much time. This allows me to help my sister with my nephews or take my mom for the weekend.

I know my Dad's family is grieving but in time there will also be healing. More importantly, we're not alone.

The bible talks about three cords are stronger than one and never had that been more evident in my life than now. I see how God allowed us to experience tough seasons in preparation for this one. At the time, those tough seasons did t make much sense.

My nephews bring much joy to all our lives and I can see why God gave them to my sister. Their crazy zany personalities are beyond endearing and just when I think they might drive me mad and test my patience they will say and do the most silliest things that you cant help but laugh. They teach us not to sweat the small things and to be sure to treasure them as well.

Today my nephews said, "Mimi thank you for taking us to the park and McDonald's" made me smile because for a brief moment I saw their goofy smiles and watched them be normal kids! I often think they teach me more than I teach them!

Difficult decisions are on the horizon. So please pray for wisdom, that others would not judge, and if they're going to then that they would keep their judgements to themselves.

There are no easy or clear cut solutions.

Again thank you for all your prayers and thoughts! It's encouragement and support beyond our expectations and imaginations and it continues to sustain us!

With lots of love and returned blessings!
Laura

Stomp

This is all I got tonight.

Heaven hear me now

This week has been a rough one for a number of reasons but mostly because we lost three loved ones within the week.

I head home Friday to pay my respects to the family. Praying and sending love and as always reflecting.

Seems odd given its been almost a year after her death but the song on my heart has been "I Look To You" by Whitney Houston.

The loss of a loved one whether young or old will always compel one to take stock of their own life and to reflect to make those sometime necessary adjustments.

I've realized something about these seasons of life just as quickly as they come: they leave. I don't understand any of the why's or how's...it's not within my logical understanding to be able to explain but deep in my heart I've had to reconcile "it's well with my soul."

You know - sometimes it seems that to reconcile that statement looks impossible. But reconciliation like seasons has a funny way of sneaking up on you.

I logically can't make sense of the journey my sisters family has been on and is still on. At times, it is heartbreaking. I say that from the view of a sister watching her baby sister shoulder her family through illness through what we would consider "too young." I watch my mom and dad often feeling helpless to take and shoulder solely a burden to prevent my sister from incurring its potential scars and hurts.

I've not really spoken to this because in my family we all have roles. I've seen that when one of us is weak someone steps up to be strong. Where does my help come from? It comes from The Lord. That is the only reasoning I have for being held together so tightly woven as a family, for peace that passes all understanding, for standing strong...

It doesn't mean that we don't hurt or that we don't feel deeply. But it means our trust is in The Lord. Knowing that because of past experience and because of who we know God to be that he'll see us thru.

I think that's why this song, "I look to you" resonates with me now. This week my grandfather lost his brother, sister, and bro-in-law (his sister who passed's husband).

Unbelievable

With each call from my mom, I was stunned. It's a reminder to make the most of each moment but to also let those you love know that you love them and to express that love daily.

We shouldn't take relationships for granted.

I remember the first time I had a conversation with my oldest nephew about dying and the concept of death. He was scared. I remember reassuring him that no matter what we would be there - we would see him, his brother, and his mama through. I think about how much I love those boys and what I wouldn't give for them and to protect their innocence and purity to be children.

Trust me, I'd "cut you" if anyone tried to mess with them. But that's what an auntie's love is for, no? How much more is my sisters! And ultimately how much more is Gods for us? It's unfathomable....

More so during these trying times.

I'm so very grateful for the people in my life and for the opportunities I've been given to develop meaningful relationships with you. Nothing means more than when you share your life with me in conversation or time!

I've often told Ricardo I don't ever want to lose perspective if that - how meaningful these relationships are that are a part of our Daily lives. No matter where we go or what we achieve in life may we never forget that it's about relationships not stuff, not accolades, not recognition, not monetary advancement...

No money, no accolade, no promotion, no recognition could ever replace those deep relationships cultivated over time spent together.

Of all the lessons I ever hope to impart it would be to live well to run the race and when I'm called home to go as gracefully and peacefully know I did all to run my race and to share with others love, grace, and mercy not because it comes from myself but because it is Gods grace and Gods mercy and His peace that has taken residence in my life.

Hard to believe that that is what I want given all my "get that corn outta my face" brassy no punches held approach at times. It is what makes me me and as I've often said there is usually little "in-between" ground.

I'm a work in progress as we all are...

Clarity

Thinking of some friends tonight: tomorrow their lives could potentially change in a number of ways.

I'm listening to Matt Redmon's 10,000 Reasons. This song is as ever bittersweet in these moments as it ever could be. Between the illnesses afflicting my own family and a number of friends to unimaginable and unforeseen drama as people in our lives make decisions potentially harmful to others.

My logical mind wants to ask "where is He? And why hasn't He appeared" but my spiritual mind know better to ask. I know He's with us even when I want to curse those that bring harm to those I love...amazingly and miraculous God brings mercy (something I'm incapable of accomplishing myself).

Doesn't mean I'm not stirred to anger or disappointment or even hurt but that its tempered with "rose stained glasses" muted in a way that allows us to "be still." Just like the Father....to quiet us with love.

Cause in the end that's all we have.

The deeper the love the more painfully felt is the affliction. Whatever it may be.

I've stopped trying to reason the how's, why's, and where's and only know enough to know that HE IS STILL very much in control.

10,000 reasons for my heart to find
Bless the Lord O my soul
O my soul
[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/10000-reasons-lyrics-matt-redman.html ]

I could dwell on the reasons not to but there are too many reasons that compel me.

For instance, the sound of my nickname spoken by my two small nephews or a simple, "Mimi- you know what? I love you."

A love that is innocent and pure in its intention that has yet to learn the darkness of the world and that we would gladly give our lives to protect from what we all know is a harsh reality.

Balancing reality and optimism has never been an easy feat but I've realized these are rare opportunities to teach and be taught about loving God regardless of our circumstances.

After all, I wouldn't be here today wouldn't of accomplished anything if t wasn't for His ever enduring love and grace. He is rich in love and slow to anger something I ask him to do daily in me but which does not at times come so easily.

It is the frailty of being human... To do what we do not want to do as Paul talked about. Frailty in that our bodies sometimes become sick with illness. We face tragedies of life taken too soon or other challenges of cards unfairly dealt at least it seems.

in these moments, I ask God to show grace and favor on my close friends walking through what has to be a most if not THE most challenging moments of their lives.

My mind can't fathom their situation. Words fail me to describe.

It's easy to love when things are good. Easy to give praise but the challenge is to give praise when things don't go our way: when we receive news we don't want to hear...

I can't help by thing of Job. He lost what seemed to be everything...

How often do we feel the same?

In these last few months, I've attempted to simplify my life.

Not an easy task but slowly I'm seein that the stuff of life is just stuff; the substance of life is life itself and those relationships we have with others.

It most clearly has been the driving factor behind how and where I've invested my time and energies. I've had a lot of people speak "into my life" regarding my involvement or lack of involvement in ministry... Because in many ways I have attempted to slip silently behind the scenes.

Much if this was done purposely and with a clear understanding of why and how: not accidental or spurred by perceptions of misleading as some have presumptuously assumed.

I knew that when I returned to school that school is where my energies were to be focused and those that know me well, know I don't like to give anything half effort.

I didn't realize that pulling away to focus on "education" was actually preparation to be available to my family and most definitely to friends in need. It's not what I would consider traditional minister...there is decidedly no apparent visual of participation but that's not why we're called...to be recognized.

It's not why we give relentless hours in service to those we love so dearly. I see my vocation largely my calling in life and while many will never understand, it's not meant for anyone else to understand...something I never quite really understood - why some would feel the need to push upon someone their own "perceptions" I was once told that what one speaks to you should always confirm what the Holy Spirit has already confirmed in your spirit.

I couldn't agree more...and there have been those who's words have not agreed. Hard for some to swallow...but if you're just a messenger then why should you be upset?

I can't help but laugh at that...because some will never understand the intention of that statement.

I won't apologize for where I've been or where I've focused my time and energy. I can only say that it has been guided by what was planted into my life by so many across many years. There are words never to be forgotten and understanding so deeply imparted I could never say thanks enough.

i'd love to share more but my intention is not to hurt others and until those experiences can be worded in a way that will help others they should be held safely close.

I'm ever grateful for these days and all the wonderfully difficult opportunities to better understand and learn unconditional love.

I've thought of how painful this season has been and realize it is because of how deeply we love. I'm reminded that God loved us so deeply that He sacrificed what He loved most: a part of who He is and who He loved most - His Son....

For that alone is reason enough to "bless The Lord oh my soul"

Dwelling on His love today and how I can reflect more of it in my own life...praying that sharing this part of my journey blesses others.