Clarity

Thinking of some friends tonight: tomorrow their lives could potentially change in a number of ways.

I'm listening to Matt Redmon's 10,000 Reasons. This song is as ever bittersweet in these moments as it ever could be. Between the illnesses afflicting my own family and a number of friends to unimaginable and unforeseen drama as people in our lives make decisions potentially harmful to others.

My logical mind wants to ask "where is He? And why hasn't He appeared" but my spiritual mind know better to ask. I know He's with us even when I want to curse those that bring harm to those I love...amazingly and miraculous God brings mercy (something I'm incapable of accomplishing myself).

Doesn't mean I'm not stirred to anger or disappointment or even hurt but that its tempered with "rose stained glasses" muted in a way that allows us to "be still." Just like the Father....to quiet us with love.

Cause in the end that's all we have.

The deeper the love the more painfully felt is the affliction. Whatever it may be.

I've stopped trying to reason the how's, why's, and where's and only know enough to know that HE IS STILL very much in control.

10,000 reasons for my heart to find
Bless the Lord O my soul
O my soul
[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/10000-reasons-lyrics-matt-redman.html ]

I could dwell on the reasons not to but there are too many reasons that compel me.

For instance, the sound of my nickname spoken by my two small nephews or a simple, "Mimi- you know what? I love you."

A love that is innocent and pure in its intention that has yet to learn the darkness of the world and that we would gladly give our lives to protect from what we all know is a harsh reality.

Balancing reality and optimism has never been an easy feat but I've realized these are rare opportunities to teach and be taught about loving God regardless of our circumstances.

After all, I wouldn't be here today wouldn't of accomplished anything if t wasn't for His ever enduring love and grace. He is rich in love and slow to anger something I ask him to do daily in me but which does not at times come so easily.

It is the frailty of being human... To do what we do not want to do as Paul talked about. Frailty in that our bodies sometimes become sick with illness. We face tragedies of life taken too soon or other challenges of cards unfairly dealt at least it seems.

in these moments, I ask God to show grace and favor on my close friends walking through what has to be a most if not THE most challenging moments of their lives.

My mind can't fathom their situation. Words fail me to describe.

It's easy to love when things are good. Easy to give praise but the challenge is to give praise when things don't go our way: when we receive news we don't want to hear...

I can't help by thing of Job. He lost what seemed to be everything...

How often do we feel the same?

In these last few months, I've attempted to simplify my life.

Not an easy task but slowly I'm seein that the stuff of life is just stuff; the substance of life is life itself and those relationships we have with others.

It most clearly has been the driving factor behind how and where I've invested my time and energies. I've had a lot of people speak "into my life" regarding my involvement or lack of involvement in ministry... Because in many ways I have attempted to slip silently behind the scenes.

Much if this was done purposely and with a clear understanding of why and how: not accidental or spurred by perceptions of misleading as some have presumptuously assumed.

I knew that when I returned to school that school is where my energies were to be focused and those that know me well, know I don't like to give anything half effort.

I didn't realize that pulling away to focus on "education" was actually preparation to be available to my family and most definitely to friends in need. It's not what I would consider traditional minister...there is decidedly no apparent visual of participation but that's not why we're called...to be recognized.

It's not why we give relentless hours in service to those we love so dearly. I see my vocation largely my calling in life and while many will never understand, it's not meant for anyone else to understand...something I never quite really understood - why some would feel the need to push upon someone their own "perceptions" I was once told that what one speaks to you should always confirm what the Holy Spirit has already confirmed in your spirit.

I couldn't agree more...and there have been those who's words have not agreed. Hard for some to swallow...but if you're just a messenger then why should you be upset?

I can't help but laugh at that...because some will never understand the intention of that statement.

I won't apologize for where I've been or where I've focused my time and energy. I can only say that it has been guided by what was planted into my life by so many across many years. There are words never to be forgotten and understanding so deeply imparted I could never say thanks enough.

i'd love to share more but my intention is not to hurt others and until those experiences can be worded in a way that will help others they should be held safely close.

I'm ever grateful for these days and all the wonderfully difficult opportunities to better understand and learn unconditional love.

I've thought of how painful this season has been and realize it is because of how deeply we love. I'm reminded that God loved us so deeply that He sacrificed what He loved most: a part of who He is and who He loved most - His Son....

For that alone is reason enough to "bless The Lord oh my soul"

Dwelling on His love today and how I can reflect more of it in my own life...praying that sharing this part of my journey blesses others.