Stomp

This is all I got tonight.

Heaven hear me now

This week has been a rough one for a number of reasons but mostly because we lost three loved ones within the week.

I head home Friday to pay my respects to the family. Praying and sending love and as always reflecting.

Seems odd given its been almost a year after her death but the song on my heart has been "I Look To You" by Whitney Houston.

The loss of a loved one whether young or old will always compel one to take stock of their own life and to reflect to make those sometime necessary adjustments.

I've realized something about these seasons of life just as quickly as they come: they leave. I don't understand any of the why's or how's...it's not within my logical understanding to be able to explain but deep in my heart I've had to reconcile "it's well with my soul."

You know - sometimes it seems that to reconcile that statement looks impossible. But reconciliation like seasons has a funny way of sneaking up on you.

I logically can't make sense of the journey my sisters family has been on and is still on. At times, it is heartbreaking. I say that from the view of a sister watching her baby sister shoulder her family through illness through what we would consider "too young." I watch my mom and dad often feeling helpless to take and shoulder solely a burden to prevent my sister from incurring its potential scars and hurts.

I've not really spoken to this because in my family we all have roles. I've seen that when one of us is weak someone steps up to be strong. Where does my help come from? It comes from The Lord. That is the only reasoning I have for being held together so tightly woven as a family, for peace that passes all understanding, for standing strong...

It doesn't mean that we don't hurt or that we don't feel deeply. But it means our trust is in The Lord. Knowing that because of past experience and because of who we know God to be that he'll see us thru.

I think that's why this song, "I look to you" resonates with me now. This week my grandfather lost his brother, sister, and bro-in-law (his sister who passed's husband).

Unbelievable

With each call from my mom, I was stunned. It's a reminder to make the most of each moment but to also let those you love know that you love them and to express that love daily.

We shouldn't take relationships for granted.

I remember the first time I had a conversation with my oldest nephew about dying and the concept of death. He was scared. I remember reassuring him that no matter what we would be there - we would see him, his brother, and his mama through. I think about how much I love those boys and what I wouldn't give for them and to protect their innocence and purity to be children.

Trust me, I'd "cut you" if anyone tried to mess with them. But that's what an auntie's love is for, no? How much more is my sisters! And ultimately how much more is Gods for us? It's unfathomable....

More so during these trying times.

I'm so very grateful for the people in my life and for the opportunities I've been given to develop meaningful relationships with you. Nothing means more than when you share your life with me in conversation or time!

I've often told Ricardo I don't ever want to lose perspective if that - how meaningful these relationships are that are a part of our Daily lives. No matter where we go or what we achieve in life may we never forget that it's about relationships not stuff, not accolades, not recognition, not monetary advancement...

No money, no accolade, no promotion, no recognition could ever replace those deep relationships cultivated over time spent together.

Of all the lessons I ever hope to impart it would be to live well to run the race and when I'm called home to go as gracefully and peacefully know I did all to run my race and to share with others love, grace, and mercy not because it comes from myself but because it is Gods grace and Gods mercy and His peace that has taken residence in my life.

Hard to believe that that is what I want given all my "get that corn outta my face" brassy no punches held approach at times. It is what makes me me and as I've often said there is usually little "in-between" ground.

I'm a work in progress as we all are...

Clarity

Thinking of some friends tonight: tomorrow their lives could potentially change in a number of ways.

I'm listening to Matt Redmon's 10,000 Reasons. This song is as ever bittersweet in these moments as it ever could be. Between the illnesses afflicting my own family and a number of friends to unimaginable and unforeseen drama as people in our lives make decisions potentially harmful to others.

My logical mind wants to ask "where is He? And why hasn't He appeared" but my spiritual mind know better to ask. I know He's with us even when I want to curse those that bring harm to those I love...amazingly and miraculous God brings mercy (something I'm incapable of accomplishing myself).

Doesn't mean I'm not stirred to anger or disappointment or even hurt but that its tempered with "rose stained glasses" muted in a way that allows us to "be still." Just like the Father....to quiet us with love.

Cause in the end that's all we have.

The deeper the love the more painfully felt is the affliction. Whatever it may be.

I've stopped trying to reason the how's, why's, and where's and only know enough to know that HE IS STILL very much in control.

10,000 reasons for my heart to find
Bless the Lord O my soul
O my soul
[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/10000-reasons-lyrics-matt-redman.html ]

I could dwell on the reasons not to but there are too many reasons that compel me.

For instance, the sound of my nickname spoken by my two small nephews or a simple, "Mimi- you know what? I love you."

A love that is innocent and pure in its intention that has yet to learn the darkness of the world and that we would gladly give our lives to protect from what we all know is a harsh reality.

Balancing reality and optimism has never been an easy feat but I've realized these are rare opportunities to teach and be taught about loving God regardless of our circumstances.

After all, I wouldn't be here today wouldn't of accomplished anything if t wasn't for His ever enduring love and grace. He is rich in love and slow to anger something I ask him to do daily in me but which does not at times come so easily.

It is the frailty of being human... To do what we do not want to do as Paul talked about. Frailty in that our bodies sometimes become sick with illness. We face tragedies of life taken too soon or other challenges of cards unfairly dealt at least it seems.

in these moments, I ask God to show grace and favor on my close friends walking through what has to be a most if not THE most challenging moments of their lives.

My mind can't fathom their situation. Words fail me to describe.

It's easy to love when things are good. Easy to give praise but the challenge is to give praise when things don't go our way: when we receive news we don't want to hear...

I can't help by thing of Job. He lost what seemed to be everything...

How often do we feel the same?

In these last few months, I've attempted to simplify my life.

Not an easy task but slowly I'm seein that the stuff of life is just stuff; the substance of life is life itself and those relationships we have with others.

It most clearly has been the driving factor behind how and where I've invested my time and energies. I've had a lot of people speak "into my life" regarding my involvement or lack of involvement in ministry... Because in many ways I have attempted to slip silently behind the scenes.

Much if this was done purposely and with a clear understanding of why and how: not accidental or spurred by perceptions of misleading as some have presumptuously assumed.

I knew that when I returned to school that school is where my energies were to be focused and those that know me well, know I don't like to give anything half effort.

I didn't realize that pulling away to focus on "education" was actually preparation to be available to my family and most definitely to friends in need. It's not what I would consider traditional minister...there is decidedly no apparent visual of participation but that's not why we're called...to be recognized.

It's not why we give relentless hours in service to those we love so dearly. I see my vocation largely my calling in life and while many will never understand, it's not meant for anyone else to understand...something I never quite really understood - why some would feel the need to push upon someone their own "perceptions" I was once told that what one speaks to you should always confirm what the Holy Spirit has already confirmed in your spirit.

I couldn't agree more...and there have been those who's words have not agreed. Hard for some to swallow...but if you're just a messenger then why should you be upset?

I can't help but laugh at that...because some will never understand the intention of that statement.

I won't apologize for where I've been or where I've focused my time and energy. I can only say that it has been guided by what was planted into my life by so many across many years. There are words never to be forgotten and understanding so deeply imparted I could never say thanks enough.

i'd love to share more but my intention is not to hurt others and until those experiences can be worded in a way that will help others they should be held safely close.

I'm ever grateful for these days and all the wonderfully difficult opportunities to better understand and learn unconditional love.

I've thought of how painful this season has been and realize it is because of how deeply we love. I'm reminded that God loved us so deeply that He sacrificed what He loved most: a part of who He is and who He loved most - His Son....

For that alone is reason enough to "bless The Lord oh my soul"

Dwelling on His love today and how I can reflect more of it in my own life...praying that sharing this part of my journey blesses others.