July 4th...
Tomorrow most people will celebrate with family and/or friends with BBQ's, cook-outs, picnics, out at lake or park ending the night with fireworks.
We engage in some of those activities but not quite to the same extent. I think my mom has obliged ius because she's a mom.
My dad and her were with us over the weekend as we transferred my nephews back to my sister. They left earlier this evening and while it would've been nice to have them with us, I know there's a part of her that finds some comfort being home.
She doesn't celebrate the 4th of July in the same way that we do and not because she's any less patriotic. My grandfather was a veteran...and he passed while as a civilian in a tragic accident. She was young just out of high school.
A singular decision would change her life and the makeup of her family. I think I'll never understood how hard that experience was for her but today I caught just a tiny glimpse. She said something to me in passing that had I not known the back story, I probably would've over looked her words without much thought.
This year marks 45 years since his passing.
45 years...
My grandfather passed before we were born so we never met him. We only know about him from stories we've been told by our mom and relatives. He has a sister who is still alive. She calls my mom and her siblings and has kept an eye on them. I know she loved her brother and that she felt a responsibility to keep an eye on his children.
Over the last year or so I've researched our family ancestry. It's been amazing to see photos and gain a better understanding of our ancestors lives thru documents.
Its been said "to know who you are and where you're going, you have to know where you've come from." It's been important to know our family history so that we can pass it on to the next generation. For me - that's my nephews. It's appropriate given their situation.
Many of you know their dad has been ill for some time. There have been many moments when we've thought this is it. Surprisingly he's beat a lot of odds. He's beat a lot of odds. He's survived longer than his transplant dr's thought he would. I remember those moments, I was in grad school working on a project in Lubbock waiting for updates from my sister or parents. My folks made the long trip up to Minnesota to be with my sister as they waited. We all wondered if he'd be strong enough to survive...and he was. We almost lost him several times in the days and moments that followed. He was taken back in because he was bleeding out in recovery. My sister got a call in the middle of the night to head back to the office so my dad drove her over due to snowy conditions in Minnesota at the time. Miraculous Cary survived and he's been given almost 7 additional years with his children.
We've been a bit tight lipped about the process of his disease. Not because we wish to be secretive but because we've been here many times before. I can't tell you how hard it's been on my sister, bro-in-law, or nephews. I can't even put into words to describe their experience because it is uniquely theirs. I've only had the privilege to be a spectator in close proximity. Each time, there's a bit of "ok we've been here and he's survived the last round..." And the approach begins to be tempered with a bit of disbelief. So I think we've purposely waited to post or say anything because we don't want to mislead in any way. No one knows when we will be called home, no one knows the hour that death will knock on our door.
We know there will come the day when he will pass but I think our hearts are unsure of how to process the "this is really it-ness"...we just don't know. Only God knows when he'll call Cary home.
If you don't know by now, Cary's back on hospice. I wont go into any details but i'll say from my perspective it is very different this time around. For the most part our prayers have and are centered on rest and peace...
I know there are those that will say "is this really it." I can only say, we don't know. But we do know that each day more that Cary gets to spend with his boys is a gift. All we can do is support them in whatever way possible.
You have to know that this process is not for the faint of heart. It is exhausting and draining in every way imaginable and while we may feel just a slight ounce of that as we play supportive to, we'll never feel the weight or burden of the entirety of the process as much as my sister and nephews will. For that reason, we work to be as sensitive as possible and to be as protective as possible.
Amanda is my baby sister and no matter how old she gets, she will always be my baby sister and my brother will always be my little brother.
I've always believed in being upfront and truthful. We've had those conversations necessary to understand how to best support my sister, my BIL and her boys. There's no manual that says here's what you do but we each do what we can to help her as best as we can. For that reason, I think there's been a few prevalent songs on my mind.
Both songs from Geoff Moore and from a completely different time in life. Those songs take on a different meaning today than they did then. The first being "when all is said and done"...the later "listen to our hearts."
We are hyper-aware of the frailty of our humanity; that we are not promised tomorrow. We are aware that our actions and words can have incredible implications. Our hearts, our attention, our focus is on supporting my sister and her family. I think about the lyrics of when all is said and done...those lyrics have never been more prevalent than now.
As you celebrate the 4th of July, keep those families who've lost a loved one in service to our country in your prayers. I'm sure today, they miss their loved ones more than ever!
When all is said and done
Lyrics:
When the music fades into the past,
When the days of life are through,
What will be remembered of where I've come?
When all is said and done?
Will they say I loved my family?
That I was a faithful friend?
That I lived to tell of God's own son?
When all is said and done.
Of how I long to see the hour,
When I would hear that trumpet sound.
So I could rise and see my Savior's face,
And see him smile,
And say 'Well done.'
You can forget my name
And the songs I've sung,
Every rhyme and every tune.
But remember the truth of Jesus' love,
When all is said and done
When all is said and done.
Listen to our hearts
Lyrics:
How do you explain, how do you describe
A love that goes from the east to west
And runs as deep as it is ride
You know all our hopes
Lord, you know all our fears
And words cannot express the love we feel
But we long for You to hear
So listen to our hearts
Here our spirit sing
A song of praise that flows
From those you have redeemed
We will use the words we know
To tell you what an awesome God You are
But words are not enough
To tell you of our love
So listen to our hearts
If words could fall like rain
From these lips of mine
And if I had a thousand years
I would still run out of time
So if You'll listen to my heart
Every beat will say
Thank You for the life, Thank You for the truth,
Thank You for the way
A love that goes from the east to west
And runs as deep as it is ride
You know all our hopes
Lord, you know all our fears
And words cannot express the love we feel
But we long for You to hear
So listen to our hearts
Here our spirit sing
A song of praise that flows
From those you have redeemed
We will use the words we know
To tell you what an awesome God You are
But words are not enough
To tell you of our love
So listen to our hearts
If words could fall like rain
From these lips of mine
And if I had a thousand years
I would still run out of time
So if You'll listen to my heart
Every beat will say
Thank You for the life, Thank You for the truth,
Thank You for the way
