let me forget

after a disasterous day, I decided to come back to the peace and quiet of my home. i was leaving to take a break from the stress i was encountering here but ended up finding more than i bargained for.

returning was the lessor of the two evils.

still not feeling well. in fact, i'm feeling worse so i'm looking forward to a couple of days of peaceful and quiet rest. will try to spend some time studying, doing homework, and getting ready for finals.

i know my departure was unforeseen and i bolted like there was no tomorrow, but seriously I had to get back for my own sanity and the safety of everyone involved. it was best.

weekend did not go as i had hoped or had planned. But i'm also realize that things can't remain as they are. the things i once tolerated, i'm no longer willing to tolerate. nothing dramatic about it, just is what it is.

desperately need to sleep. will see how i feel in the morning.

In Repair

Thought I'd post one last bit before the weekend ensues.

Getting dressed to head out with the family for Thanksgiving Lunch and all that it encompasses. So ready for the laughs, company, and incredible food. With three chefs at the helm, its gotta be great! We started the festivities last night with a surprise party for not one but two cousins! Completely caught them off guard which was awesome! Then it was off to the races to prepare my assigned dishes for today's meal.

Most everything was shipped off with my brother headed to my cousins where indoubtedly, we'll spend most if not all of the day. Not sure what else is in store for the weekend but just know I have got to get some studying and homework done. No Black Friday sales for me! :(

It's ok. I've not been feeling well for a few weeks now. Have more or less an idea of what it is but have set up appointments for after the winter break. Nothing serious as of now just praying that it won't require any extensive medical  intervention. I've managed to go this long without it so I'm hoping that will be the case for a bit longer. We shall see...

Allergies are actin up again...darn cold front...all that dust being blown around. So just trying to contain and minimize symptoms. I do not want to be sick during finals. I was last year and it was miserable! Makes studying almost, if not near impossible.

Ok so I'm sure you're thinking, John Mayer? In Repair? Is there some hidden message there? No...there's not. Though I can say I relate to the song a bit and if I really am honest, have been there for a long, long while...starting to see light at the end of the tunnel.

The version of this that I really like is from ACL a few years ago....click on ACl and it will take you to the video link. My brother and I were at ACL that year and saw this performance live. I was going through transition then and as I look back I see that it was truly for the best. That difficult time in my life led to some of the most amazing accomplishments and events. So being thankful for adversity /challenges seems to be a continued theme for today's post. what can I say? it's where i'm at...and i just gotta be honest about that.

I can't believe the year has come and is almost gone. I'm definitely attempting to make th emost of the time left. Keeping my head up and remaining positive about my situation knowing that hope and true love never fails...and that is found only in Jesus/the Father.

What's been really awesome about this journey is that for one I've learned so much but even more so learned about myself more than i thought possible. I've been able to see how life connects in a way that's much like a puzzle or links along a railroad. I can't control others...can't make decisions for them...can't make them do what i want...all i can do is attempt to do the best with what i have. Be fair and good to people...love always, hope always, and be gracious always. Easier said than done by far.

There's much to work on for 2010 and while i'd like to jump ahead and ponder on the possbilities. I know better. oh no...no expectations this time around. Just going to get on the train and enjoy the ride. A far different approach. So thankful for people who love because they love God and desire to honor Him. Grateful for words of encouragement, for lives and journeys shared, for quiet moments, for beauty found in landscape, lessons learned, moments lived, and experiences remembered.

My goal for 2010 is to leave people better than I found them  and I pray that all the experiences of 2009 in the end made me a better person. In the last month of this year, I hope to do my best to bring honor and glory only where its due.

Wishing and praying for a day of rest, peace, family, and love for each of you!

thanksgiving and thankful giving

So much to be thankful for. It’s easy to look at what we may not have or what we may want but seems to be missing from our lives. Sorta' that whole cup half full/half empty thing.

I prefer to look at it from a different angle: a cup that runeth over.

This day has been insane. Filled with lots of changes and uncertainty.

Really...that has been my year.

I've moved from silent observer to active participant: such a huge shift.

Challenges and difficulties had to be part of the process...those things make us grow: help us to see life from new angles and gain fresh perspectives. They also stretch us and sometimes painfully so. It's all necessary if we're ever to arrive to that next mile marker in the road.

I can't look at what I don't have or what I think I need. To do so says that the God, I profess to have the ability to provide for all my needs, can't meet those needs. That's simply just not true.

So I look at what I do have: the blessings I've been given...the beautiful people in my life, the opportunities afforded to me...and the places I've been carried through to arrive at this junction in the road.

Life has been soooo beautifully complicated in the last few months. I know, I know. I'm moving towards simplicity but sometimes you gotta' unravel the complications to get to the simplistic: that's my process now. It’s not a nice feeling, but necessary. Oh so necessary.

I oscillate between frustration and peace; happiness and disappointment; irritation and love. The frailty and beauty of my humanity.

I'm not going to divulge the issues at heart. It’s not any one given situation or any one single relationship. Much more like many things changing and moving into new directions at once. It can be overwhelming and can definitely knock you off your feet. But even for that, I'm grateful.

Driving home, I spent a lot of time considering those things most important in my life and why. It’s hard to love difficult people and Lord knows I've had some of those in my life recently. I've thought about unconditional love and the possibilities of where I'd be without it. Thought about sacrifices made and the journeys of the people I love most.

Something’s are better left unsaid and so I have kept silent about many things because in many instances, I've just not been sure. I don't like presumptions to be made of me and so I work to not make presumptions of others or of situations.

While I'm generally happy about being where I'm at for the present, I've come to realize I don’t want to remain there long (meaning my physical location). There's a sort of isolation that occurs from being that far north that for the moment is necessary but not one I'm extremely excited about.

This is huge partly because I expected to be there for a few years more. I'm exploring other options though they are not ones I've previously publicly spoken about. I may have mentioned them briefly as considerations but have never given these options a high priority on the list of locations. Again the ambiguities - I know.

There's more praying to be done but I believe a new shift has already begun.

While this season has not been easy, I can say that yes I am grateful for it. I'm grateful for the lessons learned, the tears shed, the prayers prayed, the family and friends loved...and for each moment given as a gift. Life is a gift. No matter what we face or where we may go.

I've been afforded many, many, many blessings in this last year. Major mile markers in my life and while some left me on a mountain top others found me in a valley. It is life...so while most give thanks for the blessings, I must give thanks for the challenges. For those people who have been thorns in my side or caused immeasurable pain...who have tried to thwart plans or throw wrenches in the works to deter plans...thank you...

You don’t know who you really are or what you're really made of until you face adversity. It’s when you are challenged that who you really are emerges and is tested. Without challenges, without adversity - life would be easy and choices clear...but it’s the wake of adversity and challenges that make hard work necessary and the rewards sweeter.

I don’t think I could understand the true beauty of the love of TRUE friends if it weren't for the flakiness of fair weather friends. I most certainly appreciate my true friends much more genuinely because of it. In knowing and embracing truth, it is then that we can pick out deceit and the counterfeits.

I’ve thought about that a lot. Thought about the kind of friend/family member I am to those in my life. Thought about what I give my energies too and what I focus my time on...thought about those things most important to my life and the priorities I’ve developed. It’s been eye-opening for sure and challenging.

I’ve said challenging a bit in this one...but it’s true...

I am most thankful for challenges...thankful for being put to the test and for hard work. It makes us better people always and keeps us honest in a way we need most.

So thank you Father for all the wonderful things you have brought to my life and things you have done and even for the things you have decided not to bring to my life and decided not to do. Thank you for challenges, thank you for pressing me, and thank you for loving me enough to discipline me. At times, it doesn’t feel great, but I know it’s necessary to spur me on to greatness and the plans you have for me. There is a beauty in pain that leads to redemption and brings me to light.

Lovesick but not in the way you might presume....

Feeling like:

I’m a shipwreck a sailor lost at sea. You’re a tidal wave and you're crashing over me. Caught in your current and I’m sinking but drowning peacefully.

Will be up in a few hours to make stuffing, sweet potato casserole, and my infamous Southern Banana Split Cake.

Wishing everyone a Happy Thanksgiving.

May your day be filled with lots of love, laughter, family, friends, and all the pie you can eat!

suitcases and shoes

Started writing this Nov 23rd:

i've been trying to write this blog for the last hour or so. i should probably be in bed sleeping but my nap earlier this afternoon did me in.

cold front blew through, unbeknownst to me, and i was out for the count. with all the cotton farming going on, alot of dirt is being kicked up triggering massive allergies. not fun stuff but i'm dealing with it. the only problem is that when i take allergy meds during the day i tend to be a bit foggy and want to sleep which is why i took a nap today.

woke up in a haze with enough time to make a solid attempt at taming my "bad-hair-day" hair. why was i trying to tame my hair? cause  i was having dinner with a good friend at our usual spot. those meals have been a saving grace in so many ways! first its just good healthy food, second good company, and third great conversation. fellowship does something to the soul that i can't quite put into words right now (my brain is in the process of shutting down).

Continued Nov 25th:

the trip home was super zas fast. i managed to fall into a group of students travelling home so i was able to "fly like the wind." made it home in less than 3 hours which was nice.

i dont know what i was thinkin when i was packing, but i evidently forgot i was only going to be gone 5 nights and 6 days cause i brought enough cloths to last a couple of weeks. like i might of brought more with me home than i did when i went to europe for a month! ish...lol...so that meant three bags. one for cloths, one for shoes, and another one with miscellaneous stuff...

it was late when i started packing and i was not in a conservative space saving type mood. no, it was...ok this is more or less what i need...throw it in the bag! the clothes are nicely folded etc...but i didnt really plan out what i'm wearing on what day. its gonna be an outfit toss-up for the next few days! love it!

i realize that it's late and i'm up watching Transformers II. actually, i spent most of the evening watchin movies. And....drum roll please, i made chocolate chip cookies. it was a nice quiet evening and my brain got to decompress a bit.

still trying to figure out what to do with my phone. will try to sort that out by the weekend. have a feeling this thanksgiving is gonna be a bit laid back and that's perfectly ok with me. gonna be nice to not have to prepare everything! HP it's all you!

hmmmm so yeah...all i have to prepare is my famous stuffing and sweet potato casserole and maybe my southern banana split cake...we'll see.

gonna keep things low key for the remainder of the week. gonna try to get in some studying before heading back to LBK. checked out the forecast and we might be getting some snow! whooo hooo...

not exactly excited about the cold. mainly cause i gotta be in and out of the cold to get to and from class. its not like good ole ASU park by the building and walk in...

no, my journey involves a commuter lot, standing out in the cold waiting for a bus, getting on the bus (which is usually warm), then getting off the bus and taking a brisk walk into the building and repeating that back out to my car. its lots of fun...especially when you have to cross the street and pray that a bus doesnt come barreling down the road and run you over or a car for that matter...

I have to say that Lubbock drivers are THE WORST I've ever seen...and i've been all over...including ITALIAN drivers..and let me just say that they are pretty bad.

ok so speaking of Italian drivers, I saw Angels and Demons tonight with my parents which I originally saw in a theater in Rome in both Italian and English. completely awesome experience. so watching the movie brought back so many memories! and of course most of the sites in the movie, i actually visited or got to see....so that was cool...just made me thankful for this year and some of the experiences I was blessed to be a part of.

hard to believe that i'm at Tech and in grad school...seemed like it would never happen though i know that's not true at all...but getting to that point in the road was a major undertaking. i love where i live now...and am slowly getting acclamated to life in a new place. getting to know more people in my program which is cool and trying to convince old friends to come up and be a part of it.

anyhow...been pretty amazing and gave me much to be thankful for. then there's my totally awesome parents who i just cant say enough about. honestly if it werent for them, i dont know where i'd be in the pursuit of this dream.

so i'm glad to spend this holiday season with good friends and family. so very necessary.

which brings me to the topic of my next blog: family. i realized something today. but its late and i want to sleep!

so i'm gonna leave you with this video from an old school song...dont know why it popped into my head today but reminds me of my bro and the "back-in-the-days" days! lol...alright...nighty nites!

P.S. enjoy the video!

Let me in

I had to post this video...thought it was the most hilarious, cutest, sadest thing i'd ever seen! I love this song and love the interpretation of the maker of this video! ok so here it is:

Let Me In
by Save Ferris

Claude Kelly

I just heard a song that almost completely describes what i've been feelin in the last few days. blagh!

don't you just hate that?

i've been working on a few posts pertaining to specific subjects. just like a work of art, they arent quite ready yet. trying to gather my thoughts and organize them so that they dont come across as convoluted. coming at a number of topics from several differing viewpoints. the nature of conversations, observations, readings, lessongs learned, etc...

i've come to that junction in the road where i'm startin over the massive hill and steam rollin towards the finish line. YES! The semester will soon come to a close. we're less than three weeks away from finals and can we say "STRESS" and "CRUNCH TIME." for the most part, i'm feel pretty calm about the chaotic work load related to school.

alot of other things going on in my life as well. i'd rather not think about any of it until i get through the semester. kinda like deal with the aftermath. i dont recommend it by any means but i just dont have the energies to deal with certain "dramas" right now. i'm doing good to keep my brain wrapped around stats, finance, and marketing....

distractions - you are not welcomed...and as i posted on facebook. Mr Drama Llama you are not my friend!

my parents will be here over the weekend for our last TTU home game. excited and ready to be home for a while. get to spend 5 days at home! i can say that i've come to really really really appreciate my parents on so many levels in the last few months. cant say enough about their love and support. no questions asked just providing what i need when i need it. if that's not God's unconditional love then i must be blind!

i've been asked quite a bit over the last few weeks if i like TTU and the MBA program here. I can say without a shadow of a doubt that "yes, i do really like it." gotten to know some great people pursuing goals and chasing after dreams. its beautiful - really. new people in my life that have provided alot of encouragement and "you-can-do-it"-ness!

i'm not looking forward to winter here though...i've gotten glimpses of it as cold fronts have moved on through and whewwww!!!! its BRRRR RABBIT up in the LBK. i've got my wool coats out including the scarves, gloves, and next purchase will include some golashes. it floods like a beast on campus.

working on the first posting for the singled out womens' online bible study. whew...that's a mouth full. so i've been rereading through the first chapter of our text and waiting on my study guide to come in. but making notes in the margins and such.

This latest project has provided alot of focus and encouragement. Super excited to see where it leads us and what comes of it.

my current project is cleaning my apt since my parents will be arriving later this evening. trying to finish up lanudry and get things put away and such like books, notes, notebooks, laptops, etc...lots of papers from homework, case studies, and reading. ish! i even went through like 60 pairs of socks and matched them with their pairs! lol...insanity. i mean who has that many pairs of socks to begin with and this coming from the lady who likes to run around in chanclas all the time.

i had to check the weather this morning cause i seriously wanted to wear chanclas but it was toooooo cold! glad i decided against that one cause at the bus stop this morning around 10:30 the wind was blowin and yea...so glad i was wearing a full coverage shoe!

so back to this cleaning stuff: I just have to say that I have mad respect for people with families who do the work/school thing full-time! blessings to you and hope you all have a great weekend.

Thanksgiving is moving fast upon us and I have lots to be thankful for this season! Be sure to give thanks for the blessings in your life too!

i'm not a super buffet

You can't turn back the hands of time and change what's already transpired, can't change your circumstances or make your experience into something other than what it was to begin with. Sure you can learn: and in learning and growing your past can be transformed into something used positively in and for the future. But you can’t make it altogether disappear.

We've all heard it said that time heals all wounds and I have to say from my own experiences: yes, it most certainly does. It almost seems that time moves more slowly during those periods though. Why is that? We've all experienced loss on some level. The death of a loved one, a broken relationships, or dreams gone awry; something we wanted more than anything on the planet and then watched it slip through our fingers into the abyss. Sometimes it was for our good and other times because of our own actions. Sometimes we understand exactly why it must be so and other times we're left bewildered and dumbfounded.

I can only say that it’s a process and that on one day we feel a certain way and then another we don't. Emotions/feelings don't last forever and eventually we begin to see the sun peeking through the clouds making way for brighter days and newer seasons to arrive.

This seems to be the season of heartache. Many of you have gone through break-ups or are going through difficult times with significant others currently. Don't worry: I'm not pinpointing anyone specific but if we've had a conversation about it, then you know I'm talking to you. I don't have any answers as to the why's or when's. I can only say thank you for sharing with me your journeys and for trusting me with your feelings. 

I know it's not been easy and I can't say when better days will come, but I know EACH of you will survive this season. You won't be victims: you will be better, stronger, and more secure because of it. I pray for each of you and know that God is with you, seeing you through and in those tough moments when the emotions well, know that He's there willing and ready to listen. Climb into His lap and let Him know how you feel...and then when it’s all been said and done, let it go.

There's more I'd like to say but I need some time to develop my thoughts with the right combination of words. The issue has to do with maintaining the integrity of my views on anonymity. I've never been one to really mask what I feel or how I see things. I've been told by many that I wear my heart on my sleeve and there are definitely moments when I alternate between leaving people clueless as to what I'm thinking or how I feel and moments when there are no doubts as to what I think or how I feel.

Life in recent months has taken a lot of unexpected turns, both for me and my family and I've had to face some stark realizations. I don't gloss over and pretend something is when it isn't. A long, long time ago, I once did and out of the painful results of doing so, I decided I didn't want to be "that girl." By incorporating some really honest and straight-forward people in my life, I’ve managed to stay on the straight and narrow keeping/maintaining as "right” of a perspective/view as possibly given my range of "crazy life" experiences.

I was reading through some past blogs and went through some old journals recently. Just needed to gain some perspective on what I once thought I wanted of this life, what I’d felt God wanted for me, and then ultimately seek what God really DOES want for me.

Digging into the past can be painful and all in the same moment can be so completely joyful. You have the opportunity to see where you've come and what you've been carried through into the present. Hindsight is powerful and often you gain a very different view of your situation/circumstances. Unfortunately, we're not afforded with that luxury ahead of time to guide us in the choices/decisions we make. That kind of hindsight might deter us from some necessary lessons.

Many of you are aware that I took a very, very long hiatus from organized ministry. So many reasons but in short...I just really needed to step back from voices I'd given place in my life....voices in leadership that said "oh you have this talent or are great at this and should be doing this or involved in this or you're a leader assist us with this" and led me along these paths as "partners." Well that was just as long as I was the "yes" man and in complete agreement, everything was gravy but the very moment I voiced concerns or raised opposition, gone like a bolt of lightning these people they were...and too many times I felt I was left holding the bag.

Reminds me of June Cash and her story to Johnny about being the little boy with his finger in the dam wall. It is for that reason I'm so very cautious and often times at distrust with individuals. So many promises...so many spoken pretty words and very little action backing those words. It is also for that reason that I don't trust words unless they are backed by action.

Maybe it shouldn’t be that way, something Jesus and I are working on, but it is what it is. So for me, I needed to step outside of that and see clearly and hear clearly outside of those voices. I learned how to better detect wolves in sheep clothing and to be smarter about the choices I make concerning how and what I decide to be involved in and with. It also made me realize the following: 

I am who I am, faults and all. You don’t get to pick and choose what you like and re-assemble me into something you want. I'm not a super buffet. It's all or nothing and the only one who has the power and right to make any changes is God and God alone. Unconditional love is loving despite their faults because true love isn't about self and what I want.

I've watched too many individuals take that approach to relationships. The "let me pick and choose what I want, let me be conditional in my feelings for you" approach. As long as it’s convenient for you, as long as you stand to gain, as long as I benefit you - only then am I allowed to be involved and part of your life or given place. The moment it becomes too difficult or beyond the effort you want to give...you walk...such sadness...

(Please know I’m not talking specifically about myself. Merely using "I/You" in a generality.)

Taking that kind of approach to any relationship can cause you to miss out on something beautiful and amazing. I hear several of my friends going through this experience and see them in pain, and honestly...my heart breaks for them. Each of them (my friends) is so uniquely gifted with different perspectives and offerings: all super great God loving people. It makes me sad to see them walking through this. That makes me sad that some people don’t see that beauty and don’t appreciate it in the same way. 

My own experiences have left me in a state where I can say that I can relate. It’s never easy to face realities and to confront truths that hurt but that's exactly where healing begins...in truth. First, in being honest with yourself and then in continuing to maintain that honesty and moving forward. Easier said than done for certain.

There are some things/situations I’d like to forget altogether; just completely erase them from my mind, but that's not possible. No...we must deal and walk through the consequences of our choices. In the end, it makes us better people, I’m sure of it. Makes us more aware of God's love for us and makes us grateful that He's not a man that He should lie but is with US ALWAYS.

God never gives us more than we can handle and never leaves us on the road alone: something I remind myself of always. I know that on the bus rides going from school to my car when I start to stare into nowhere cause my thoughts wander to situations in my life that He's there with me. He's constantly reminding me that all things are under His control even when it doesn’t seem so.

A year ago I lost one of my cats. Came back from a trip to find he had passed on. Apart from losing my grandmother so many years ago, I’ve never experienced that kind of loss. I didn't realize how much I loved that cat until he was gone. I cried for three days solid and simply could not understand why I was so saddened by his departure.

A friend of mine called me to see how I was doing. My response was, "I don’t know why I'm crying, he was just a cat!" I couldn’t see it clearly at the time...but love has a funny way of sneaking up on you sometimes. I fell in love with Señor Poochie...his funny way of meowing at me or playing catch with me had somehow captured my affections.

In his absence, I finally fully realized just how deeply I cared and loved him. A year later, I still miss him...still love him but my memories of him are different now. I don’t immediately think about his stinky breath or how he'd meow in my face at 5am to be feed...No, my memories are of his crazy antics of bringing me his toys to play fetch with and how he'd sit with me watching TV. Cracks me up now.

The point being that yes it took some time to get to a positive place a place where I could think of him and not cry but I eventually did. The first few days after he was gone were the hardest and most painful....but I can say that I didn't feel that same pain when I walked the stage at graduation (6 months later) or boarded a plane to Italy or even moved to Lubbock...and while the loss of a human relationship is not the same as that of a pet by any means...the idea regarding "time and healing" is.

Listening to you and reflecting on my own experiences, I was reminded of a Bonnie Raitt song, "You can’t make someone love you"...how true...can’t make them choose to stay, can’t make them decide to do what it takes to make things work...can't make them love you the way you want to be loved.

All you can do is be responsible for you and your choices and at the end of the day you have to trust that God will make what you give be more than enough for the right person. This is Allison Iraheta's version of that song...

After re-reading this blog, I had some additional thoughts to add in regards to "not being able to make someone love you." I thought about my relationship with God. Isn't that what He wants of me? For me to love Him because He is who He is and without reservation? Will post an additional blog about this in the next few days (11-22-09)

love you all: continuing to pray that brighter days arrive sooner than later...

Rev Run Wisdom and wisdom from others...

ain't that the truth!

Ladies: Trying to forget someone u love, is like trying to remember someone u never knew... Impossible!

he's rackin them up tonight. here's another one:

The worst thing is holding on to someone who doesnt want to be held on to.. real talk

more words of wisdom, this time from my best friend:

There is freedom in saying the things you should have said but didn't because of fear.

for a friend going through some stuff

statistically speaking

it finally happened. my phone is bah-roke. service is supposed to be de-activated until i can figure out exactly what i'm going to do. at the moment, i can receive calls but cannot make any nor receive any text messages, so if you try to call or send a text and i dont respond, yeah that's why....

i really really dislike Sprint. hate might be a better description of how i feel towards their service/product, but i'm attempting to remain positive today so we'll just use dislike for now.

i've been teeter-tottering about staying with sprint or jumping ship to another service provider.

the last time i went without phone service was while i was away overseas during the summer and then just delayed turning service back on for a few weeks. it was kinda nice! so maybe i'll enjoy the break.

i'm in stats and seriously, this is sad....my class is sad i mean. about 1/3 of the class is actually here and most look comatose already and we're just 30 min into the lecture. im just glad i was smart enough to save my materials from my undergrad stat work so i can rely on that for assistance.

i'm thinking today might be a arts and crafts day. i need some creativity in my life after having to deal with some jabroni's in my life. i'm trying to rid my life of idiotic drama on almost every level. More importantly...learning to walk away from drama and people who only care about themselves. i cant do anything for those kinds of people and honestly - dont want to surround my life with those kinds of personalities. been there, done that and all i can say is that it's draining...as in drains the life, joy, and energy outta ya.

yeah - cant do that anymore. i got enough on my plate to be concerned with dont need to add anything in addition to what is absolutely necessary. again, i'll reiterate - dont make assumptions here...you probably dont know exactly what i'm talkin about. in fact - i can almost guarantee you dont know what i'm talking about.

that seems to be the danger about blogging. people sometimes assume the subject matter you're bloggin about refers to them which sometimes - yeah it is...sometimes its a combination of situations, and sometimes its someone elses situation.

when referring to someone else's situation, i try to put it into my perspective so as not to expose the party that the subject is related to - most especially when i dont have permission to use the person's identity in the situation. i try to maintain a bit of sensitivity in that regard. some situations - its better not to identify the parties involved...would only cause more drama for them and that is never my intention.

all i gotta say is that i'm done dealing with rude people....

i woke up this mornin' determined to make the most of the day. challenges are in my wake and i'm not exactly looking forward to any of it, but hey - sometimes you just gotta "buck up" and do what's gotta be done. (ok people are droppin outta this class like flies!)

it's been a tough, tough semester. i made some decisions back in august that i'm now dealing with the consequences of. should've stuck with the plan and instead i took a risk and deviated. cant say i haven't learned anything from it, because i totally did...

but you know...when you ask the Father to open a door and provide and then when He does, and you go and slam the door in His face...yeah...not a good thing by any means! and that was one HARD lesson to learn. i've since repented from the error of my ways and am working to make things right. let me just say, i defintely don't want to do that again.

you live, you learn...that is the way of the world. i'd prefer to live, ask, listen, obey, then learn...definitely a much better way to go...probably with less heartbreaking moments as well. but no, sometimes i'm "terca" which i'm learning sometimes lands me in tough spots i could've avoided.

one of my closest friends gave me a quote, "wisdom is learning from experience, preferably not your own." so true, so true. that is my hope with my writings...that maybe you'll learn somethin and can avoid the pitfalls i sometimes succumb to but even greater in purpose, that you might walk away with hope - that yeah you can do more than survive in this thing called life. above the "cannon ball runs" with the drama llama, i can say that i'm blessed beyond measure.

life sometimes gets rough/hard but i know beyond any shadow of a doubt that God's with me always. it is the one promise, i am most CERTAIN of (there are others of course but it is the one i'm most confident about). so when things look like they're getting ugly...i remind myself that, i'm not alone in this.

when things are good, i remind myself of that too. its easy to forget when things are good and so i'm grateful for tough moments in life. tough moments remind me of who's really in control. its not me, for sure!!! and just when it seems everything is going to crumble, God always comes through and provides exactly what i need when i need it. how can i weep and wallow over that? its more than i deserve and that has a definite way of bringin' humility and clarity to the things that are most important in life.

i'm upon that part of the road where endurance is being tested. as i look back from where i've come, its too far to go back - just gotta keep pressing forward - not only that, but why would i want to go back. living life abundantly and free can often become convoluted and entangled by our own self-imposed encumbrances. oh no, thank you! hence blockin the drama llama.

i gotta dedicate this post to my peoples....fly girl/blanche, silent smoker/sophia, vanilla ice, jenny from the block/hp/rick, rox rox, B Ram, god bless you, and the SA fashionistas...you have made me laugh, crazy mad - sometimes to the point of tears,  bringing such great measure of joy reminding me that better days are just a conversation away! i love each of you and pray incredible blessings for what you add to my life. thanks for believing and practicing addition and not subtraction!

Instead of practicing subtraction and division, I've decided that today I will engage in addition and multiplication.

FOTOS Y RECUERDOS

monday has not gone as planned. not to say its not going well...

i woke up this morning lagging before i even got out of bed. not sure what it is. im starting to think age may be affecting my abilities to travel. i'd rather believe it has to do with recovering from the respiratory trauma of last week but who knows. not to mention a nice little ol' cold front rolled right on through last night. it was brrrr rabbit.

alot of travel in recent weeks and more to come in the weeks that will follow. i can say i'm excited about the next few trips on the books! those of you who have known me for any extended length of time, know that i pretty much spend more time everywhere else in Texas than where ever it is that i'm living (with the exception of the last school year).

But even then, i did alot of day trips to Brownwood while my sister and fam were living there and trips up to LBK to visit my bro. i'm a travel-holic: i think. my last extended travel stint was my texas tour before moving further north. this last months travel, consisted of going back to angelo - several trips there.

so its really no big deal for me to drive three hours somewhere and back. i've even done dallas like that...yes, it's crazy i know. but hey, you do what you have to do.
i'm sure i've given the impression that i'm home sick (with all the trips back to angelo). uhhhmm, yeah - not necessarily so. don't get me wrong - miss lots of people who live there but i also love where i'm living now and honestly, really do like it here. however, i left in such a hurry that i didnt necessarily tie up loose ends when i moved out here. i mean its been whirlwind since getting back from Europe.

so now - i'm paying the piper and having to take care of those things that are pressing and tie up loose ends - things like car maintenance, paperwork, sending stuff to storage, etc...i still have a closet full of cloths at my parents house, so im trying to get rid of excess while keeping the necessities. its taken more time than i realised it would.

i made some decisions which drastically affected my current situation so i've been working on sorting out those details and that takes a bit of time. not anything drastic or bad just working at making some changes and being smart about the future.

so that means another big change come the start of the new year. all good stuff but it will be a while before i see the positive effects. it does however, create some shifts in the present that arent always fun but they're necessary. i love adulthood....lol

trying to get back to san antonio to visit friends. hopefully that will go down during thanksgiving weekend. will keep you posted.

there's a couple of things i wanted to address but its late. might have to wait until i have clarity of mind. took a nap today and that threw me a bit. definitely left me refreshed and ready to finish out the day. deadlines are getting a bit intensive as we barrel towards the holidays. can't believe the semester is coming to a close in a few weeks. feels like just yesterday we were kickin off orientation. i'll be 1/3 of the way through with my MBA at the end of the semester.

had some really hilarious conversations today. just gotta say that laughing is sooooo where its at. I posted the following quote on facebook.

Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on. ~Bob Newhart

ain't that the truth. something about being silly with girlfriends that know you well that can give you a new spin on things...well that and cake! lol.. but that's a story for another time. life is crazy but for the moment, its good!

midnight voyage

senorita poochie is joining me for tonight's blog.

today was interesting. i managed to get mostly packed last night but for some reason had a hard time sleeping or maybe it was waking up. had the swollen puffy eyes thing going on but i did feel better than i did wed and am continuing to see improvement on the whole respiratory issues.

i thought i would load everything before heading to class but realized that wasn't gonna happen. so i take off, get to class and see that half the class is missing...turned in my homework and sat through the class. when it was over, i raced out the door right and then realized i needed to print up one of the chapters in order to complete my finance homework due monday.

after fighting with my printer and installing a new cartridge, i managed to get the 35 pages printed. by then i had finished packing everything and even got the car loaded. grabbed a quick bite and out the door i went.

arrived to an semi-empty house- senorita poochie was waiting for me. she meowed me to death until i finally was on the floor petting her to her heart's content.

the rents eventually showed up. but it gave me time to get on the keys (piano) and practice, something i really miss in LBK. its forced me and my guitar to become better friends. hauling up my Korg this time without exception. i managed to break into the christmas music which made me super excited about the holiday season. some crazy stuff going on with holiday plans. not sure exactly who im spending it with and christmas not sure where...doesnt make much sense, i know but plans are in the works...just dont know who's making it and who is not.

i do know that my cousin is hosting the fam for her first ever thanksgiving meal. shes not exactly a martha stewart type. ok but she does make a mean microwave meal....and a greenbean casserole. however, her repertoire is limited. my sister, tia, and i are the main chefs in the fam - apart from my dad. usually my sis, tia, and i are the ones to prepare most of the dishes for Thanksgiving and yes i can cook a bird. my mom is happy to work on the cleaning crew.

so we're breakin in the cousin and makin her do most of the hard work! lol...should be interesting and yes i plan on getting pictures of that. actually im looking forward to it cause im going to give her my secret stuffing recipe!

alright so tonight was dinner with the extended fam. lots of fun and after i headed over to my prima's to catch up. Oh my goodness....she had me crackin up so hard. its the kind of laugh that makes you cry and you cant stop and then your throat starts hurting cause you're laughing so hard. like doubled over laying on the couch crackin up. it was sheer awesomeness...

looking forward to the thanksgiving break for sure.

so i've gotten a few, why are you going home so frequently questioning. no need to worry...lol. there's always some sort of drama going on in my life. as much as i try to eliminate it - it finds me. but no - nothing major. my folks had been out pocket for a few weeks on account of my sister. during that time some stuff was going to be taken care of but got delayed. things like having my timing belt changed out. i dont like dealing with car maintenance stuff...so i came down to swap out cars. some stuff i dont mind taking care of - other stuff id rather not deal with.

i had taken in my car to have a tire looked at. my dad found a nail in it and when i took it in, turned out the nail didnt puncture the tire and there was no leak. however, when they put the tire back on, the balance wasnt quite right. so when i came home last weekend, the car would shimmy a bit. so i ran it by my dad who instructed me to take it back...which i did and ended up having the tires rotated and balanced which fixed the problem! yay....and the guy i dealt with at the shop was super duper nice...its a welcome change cause sometimes grease monkeys can make the ladies feel stupid...im not one of those i dont know anything about cars but im no mechanic either.

i know basic stuff about fluids, brakes, etc...and yes i can change a tire and have been able to do so and have done so since i was 18. i especially dont like when i take my car to get an oil change and they ask me three times if i have the correct weight in oil...i want to say nah, i'm just makin it up. ok for starters ive only owned the car for the last five years - yeah i certainly hope i know what weight of motor oil it uses! agh....im not a stupid girl, im actually a very smart one.

so i most certain appreciate it when the fellows who service my vehicle treat me accordingly. like the dealership in lubbock...they have a good service dept and so i dont mind taking my vehicle there for oil changes....now the one in angelo...FORGET IT...you couldnt pay me to go in to that dept and NO i will NEVER EVER EVER take my vehicle there again. if i have to tow it three hours to have it fix, i'll do it based sheerly on principle alone...

so yeah...love dealing with vehicle maintenance....

however, it'll be taken care of this week and next week when my parents come up, they'll bring my car and we'll swap. whoo hooo

i'm definitely looking forward to the rest of this weekend though...hope you're having a great one too!

"NO ONE WANTS TO SEE YOUR CHONES"

I can't take credit for the title of this blog. It was actually my best friend's idea and it actually was spawned from a seminar development session for Congreso. Yes, that's right "Fashion 101"  was "Nobody wants to see your chones" before it got split into a guy/girl session and renamed "Fashion 101." Which by the way, i hear went really well and the ladies who led those sessions killed it.

ok so i said I was going to write this post because of an experience I had today. so here goes....

everyday when i go to school, i park my car in a commuter lot and have to take a bus further into the campus. i could walk but when its cold its a very long and chilly 15-20 min walk through Urbanovsky Park.so today, i'm riding the bus from a mind-numbing stats exam (not necessarily hard just more confusing than a rubik's cube at some points). its hard to guage exactly what he's asking for. maybe its cause he's too wordy...and so bent on everything being concise...who knows...

ok so yeah, my brain might as well have been spaghetti after that thing but i make my way over to the bus stop. its windy and a bit chilly but other wise sunny...so the bus pulls up and this guy and girl are chatting and the guy walks right in front of me and hops on the bus...which is why (if you follow my tweets) I asked, "what happened to ladies first?" it was rude boy's doing...oh it gets better...and yes this is where the "chones" enter the picture.

so we ride over to the commuter lot, no big deal. i'm busy with my normal routine of checking emails, facebook, txt messages, etc...stuff i missed while taking the above mentioned mind-numbing exam (by the way stats is short for statistics for those of you not in the know - i forget not everyone gets the acronyms).

back to my story...we make it through the Chitwood stop and roll on by the Spirit arena without stopping....(sometimes the bus drivers stop even though no one's there - i think they're supposed to always stop but some just keep on rollin by even when there are people standing there).

we make it to the first commuter lot stop and said girl who was talking with the Rude Boy mentioned earlier...proceeds to get off the bus making this big 'ole deal about saying bye to Rude Boy...so she's climbing off the bus and THATS WHEN IT HAPPENED!

there i saw what i DID NOT want to nor NEED to see. girl was wearing uggs (of course - this is tech) with some yogo pants rolled down at the waste revealing *drum roll please * her chones (i wont mention what kind cause its nobody's business) and a tshirt that wasnt long enough to cover that stuff up. ok so i'm thinking "oh lord, help that girl" when the guy leans over to get an extra peak and watch her walk off the bus to her car...basically oogling her the whole stinkin' time.

that's when i wanted to BARF....luckily i had on my sunglasses so my death-ray-eye stare apparently didnt phase or affect Rude Boy one bit. he was too busy lookin at the "goods." meanwhile, Chone Girl has no stinking clue and walks to her car like she's super cool.

i know, i know...there will be some who think what's wrong with that? that sounds perfeclty fine...

but i come from the ole' skool, we were taught a different way. not any of this all-up-in-your-face...here are my chones stuff...yes...chones are meant to be worn UNDER your clothes...and like my friend Zandra said "keep ya freakiness behind closed doors."

have a little respect for the general public: be mindful if you will. not only that but its a good way to invite trouble...there are a number of reasons why you should keep your chones to yourself or like Zandra said "Behind closed doors." the main point being I don't want to see them nor do I want to witness some mocoso droolin over you as you walk outta the bus. its an embarrasment to women everywhere...well unless you're freaky like that, think its awesome, and are somehow proud of those kind of actions.

either way, I thought I would post some helpful reminders here...do not wear white chones when you are wearing all white...FLESH TONE ladies, flesh tones...or white bra's when you're wearing a black shirt...again black or flesh tones...and be sure to wear a slip when you're wearing a dress or skirt...i can understand if you just didnt know...but please ladies for the love of respect, pass on the "girl you need to know this" information to your fellow sisters...

don't be drinkin the haterade - lettin your girlfriends, co-workers, mother-in-laws, people you dont like walk around lookin scandalous...ive even heard of the neon bra with a white blouse...yes...ladies, prints show through whites and sometimes through other colors...when in doubt ask a lady that's gonna keep it real and be honest with you..i mean like keep it REAL REAL with'cha.

i made my blog title announcement on facebook and i decided to post the conversation that ensued...apparently this is a topic that no one really addresses...geee, i wonder why...talk about this stuff people! it would save others alot of embarrassments and the general public from seeing things we DO NOT want to see...ok so, the comments went as follows:

I posted:

i decided that my next blog is gonna be titled, "no one wants to see your chones" after some observations obtained while riding on the bus from/to the commuter lot this morning.

Zandra Glass: huh what did ya see ?
Laura M Leyva: stuff that no one wants to see...apparently there's no concern for modesty these days...
Vanessa Aregullin: Yeah well, I'd rather see chones than a butt crack! I can't stand being in class and seeing (girls that wear those low waisted jeans) butt cracks when they sit down.
Zandra Glass: right, i feel like there is a differance between sexxy and SLUTTY!!! keep ya freakiness behind closed doors ,like me lolol
Roxanne Balderaz: hahaha!
Elizabeth Jaramillo: Lol that's gross & funny!
Lori Gutierrez: Amen do it sister!
Laura M Leyva: Zandra - you crack me up!
Albert Lopez: So, you're saying I shouldn't wear my lowrise jeans...
Laura M Leyva: not unless you're wearing the appropriate chones to accompany said lowrise jeans and long shirt to cover the back!
Albert Lopez: What about my tight running shorts.
Albert Lopez: Laura -note to self, sit in front of bus
Laura M Leyva: we've already had that discussion...do i need to call Jenn?
Laura M Leyva: more like note to self - dont look at anyone on the bus - avert your eyes and keep them on your feet.
Albert Lopez: no, just sit in the front. I'm not sure I trust your walking skills. You might end up with a bump on your head.
Laura M Leyva: SHUT UP! i forget i'm vertically challenged.
Andrea Leyva Batista: hilarious!

NEEDLESS to say - i may just take Albert's advice and start sitting at the front of the bus...my next fashion topic will concern my disdain for those "oh-so-popular" nike shorts worn w/tights and uggs...i see like 50 girls a day wearing the exact same outfit. oh yeah with a north face jacket too...same clothes, different colors...seriously..

headed to angelo this weekend. cant wait to see more friends and the familia...i love family: they make the world a better place to live in (at least mine does for the moment!!!) lol...

one last word of advice and guys this goes for you too:

KEEP YOUR CHONES TO YOURSELF!!!

*unless your married, then just keep it behind closed doors*

what are you talking about?

Humble Me by Norah Jones

Went out on a limb
Gone too far
Broke down at the side of the road
Stranded at the outskirts and the sun's creepin' up

Baby's in the backseat
Still fast asleep
Dreamin' of better days
I don't want to call you but you're all I have to turn to

What do you say
When it's all gone away?
Baby I didn't mean to hurt you
Truth spoke in whispers will tear you apart
No matter how hard you resist it
It never rains when you want it to

You humble me Lord
You humble me Lord
I'm on my knees empty
You humble me Lord
You humble me Lord
So please, please, please forgive me

Baby Teresa she's got your eyes
I see you all the time
When she asks about her daddy
I never know what to say

Heard you kicked the bottle
And you helped build the church
You carry an honest wage
Is it true you have someone keeping you company?

What do you say
When it's all gone away?
Baby I didn't mean to hurt you
Truth spoke in whispers will tear you apart
No matter how hard you resist it
It never rains when you want it to

You humble me Lord
You humble me Lord
I'm on my knees empty
You humble me Lord
You humble me Lord
So, please, please, forgive me
You humble me

gerbil replacements

i made it safely back to the outer confines of west texas. i have an exam tomorrow along with some homework due and lots and lots of studying for the first test in stats. i found some of my undergrad stats notes so i brought them back with me in an attempt to refresh my brain on the material.

gotta say that my playlists are super random. listening to Kenny Roger's "Lady" right now. i know, i'm super cheese. the next song is Chopin's Nocture in E Flat Major - a song which i can actually play.

i was going to bring up the Korg and completely forgot. found my started guitar back home and my violin...was going to bring those too and i forgot! my brain is on overload. just seems like when i go back home for a visit, there's not enough time to do all the things i'd like to do.

it was a really great trip and i went home for a number of reasons, one was to celebrate my cousins bday. she's practically a sister sooo...felt it important to make the trip.

feelin a heck of a lot better about a number of things. startin to see with clarity and realizing that sometimes you just gotta step out on the limb and have some faith that God's gonna provide the safety net. definitely want to talk more about this weekend just that i need to get some shut-eye as i'll be up in three hours to finish studying. gonna finish reading this chapter and then its off to bed.

regardless of how i feel tomorrow, definitely gonna get some time in at the gym. skipped out on running over the weekend and now i'm feelin endless guilt! LOL..not really...but i do need to get into the gym and run a few miles.

one last thought before heading to sleepville - just gotta say that i'm extremely grateful for friends who make you laugh. have had some of the dumbest but most hilarious conversations in the last few days...just feelin alot of joy and man...its a great feeling.

unfair expectations

"Whatever men expect, they soon come to think they have a right to: the sense of disappointment can, with very little skill on our part, be turned into a sense of injury." ~ THE SCREWTAPE LETTERS

i've been thinking alot about this quote.

i'm working on uhmmmm, semi-private post. there are certain subjects and things about my life that i tend to stay away from in my blogs. there's a number of reason but mostly to protect the privacy of those in my life who may be involved in the writing of that particular piece. instead, i try to stay as abstract as possible but sometimes you just have to be direct to share what you need to share. this would be the case with this particular post.

i had decided not to write anything about this particular piece of my life because i just felt it wasnt really anyone's business (which i still feel its not) and i didnt think it would be relevant to anyone. OOHHH BOY was I WRONG!

over the course of my *cough cough* short life, i've been blessed to meet some pretty amazing people. i'd like to say that all those relationships have been exemplary but sometimes in relationships things can go sour and things do not end as  sometimes they should. i cant exempt myself from that and can't say that i've never wronged anyone or not done something that would cause a relationship to end. i can be an idiot sometimes and sometimes that means i do and say stupid things that i wish i hadn't.

however, i believe there's no changing what is done. what i mean by that is that you can't take back what you've done or said. so i try to be careful about what i say, how i say it, when i say it and what i do...for the simple reason that i really believe that we all say what we really mean. whether we meant to say it out loud is a whole other ballgame...

i also believe that you should examine what someone says to you...there's often truth in their words and its up to us to hear what the other is saying and apply that truth accordingly - whether we believe it or not and whether we believe it applies or not.

that's the tricky part....someone may offer us a constructive criticism and we're quick to chalk up the criticism to an ill-perception. what we think we project, may not always be what others receive and we should be responsible for what we communicate and in what manner we communicate it in but of course, that's just my own opinion.

ok so...i've been working on maintaining important connections, relationships, and friendships with those who have crossed my path over my life. its been pretty incredible because God's brought some relationships back into my life that, quite honestly, i never saw coming back into my life. i'm grateful on so many levels and these individuals have encouraged me in ways i needed but didnt realize. its like i see a whole new dimension of life, living, and relationships. i realize that we're not solitary beings walking alone in this thing called life and that in so many ways we need one another....or rather we were created to have fellowship with one another - created to need relationships.

i've seen how small simple actions like encouraging words or a sincere smile can do something for someone that changes their day or how they move forward in a situation. i had decided a while back that I dont ever want to be a deterrent in anyone's life but rather to be an encourager of people in all things including the pursuit of dreams and purpose in life. i cant say that i've been 100 percent successful but i work at it everyday and work to be as positive and realistic as i can.

this has all led to some really amazing conversations in the last couple of weeks. people dealing with relationships and struggling through issues and situations which is what prompted me to write about my own situation. honestly, i dont quite fully understand it myself or know how i ended up where i did...but i've been dealing with a number of things of various fronts.

there's this "dream" which haunts me night and day...and maybe haunts is not the right word perhaps pursue is a better choice, but it follows me where ever i go and no matter what road i choose to walk down. it doesnt leave.

i decided to stop running from it, embrace it, and fully pursue it (which is where i'm at now). at the same time, i felt like i was having to choose between this idea of love and a dream. i say an idea because it wasnt fully realized in a reciprocated fashion but that's not really the point....the point being why would someone who really truly cares about you ever ask you to give up a dream or even remotely broach the issue? or rather than encourage you in going for it...try to reason with you about why you shouldnt...or cause you to doubt it?

i've talked to a number of you dealing with the issue of distance in relationships. i'd like to comment, seriously, i would but i dont quite understand the issues surrounding this topic myself. i just know that in the relationships i respect most, i've seen people (both sides now) work hard to make things work....and when one party doesnt want to put in the necessary effort or isnt willing to, then what do you do?

they kind check out and you're left standing there wondering "what happened?" "was i not worth the effort?" "is it really that difficult?" i've done the distance thing and yeah its not easy but i'll also say a lesson learned, "i'll never move to a city for a man unless there's a ring on my finger."

i've also been evaluating existing relationships in my life. i'm talking about those relationships that i consider my inner circle. i'm careful about those i keep in close proximity of my person and i mean physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. there have been some relationships that it was just necessary to walk away from and others i've felt just the opposite about it.

relationships arent easy to navigate and i sometimes wish we had a "how-to" manual...but its just not that easy. each of us is created uniquely and so my relationship with someone will not be the same as someone else with that person. its just how it is...and really that's what causes us to grown and learn and stretch as people.

i think often times people try to surround themsleves with like-minded people which isn't a bad thing but its the diversity in each of us that challenge those around us and cause us to grow. i cant imagine if my circle of friends were exactly the same. i'm sooo glad that each person in my life is sooo different, have different interests and knowledge because i learn from each of them.

i dont know quite how all of this ties together just to say that God's been teaching and showing me alot. i'm waiting for the application or the "ah-ha" moment when i realize "oh this is why!" but for now, i'm quite fine to be in learning mode. if anything, i see that God's word is guide to us as to how to be about good relationships. something which should be a priority and is important.
this week is going to be tough but i'm ready for the challenge. a weekend home was exactly what i needed to restore some hope i felt was wanning. i also got to visit with Señorita Poochie and miss her dearly. working on getting her moved up to lubbock just taking a bit of time.

i will say that i'm soooo super excited about Christmas. its absolutely my favorite time of the year...the lights, the sounds, smells, time with friends and family. OH I CAN'T WAIT! seriously!!! i've been listening to christmas music. i know it may be a bit early but some folks down the street from my bro already have part of their christmas lights up! how amazingly awesome is that? havent quite decided what to do in terms of decorating my apt but we will see! i may swap trees with my bro for this year something about a 9ft tree in my apt uhm yeah probably not going to work. although i do have high ceilings....i still cant see it fitting in my apt.

alright...to bed i go...dessert with some friends tomorrow after a bday lunch for my prima...and then its back home to get ready for a tough week of tests and homework! going to sleep tonight very much at peace and content.

good to be back

back in my hometown, visiting for the weekend. its good to be back...OH its good to be back! trip back went much more quickly than i expected. had some time to "flesh" things out. its been a tough week.

i feel like i'm starting to sound like a broken record. i'm saying its been a "tough week" far to often. each week seems to have escalated from the week before. i'm believing and claiming this coming week to be far better than some of the ones i've seen.

if its not one thing then its something else. i keep asking Jesus, could you please just get my ducks lined up in a row please? lol...at least for next week?

i have two sets of homework and two exams next week...going to be rough, i know but i've done some preliminary leg work to ensure its not so bad. like finance homework done and half the stats homework. started my typed notes for my marketing exam and working on studying for stats.

i gotta say that coming home, even though i probably shoulda stayed and studied, was the right thing to do.

i needed to check on señorita poochies, who is sleeping with me tonight. she abandoned ship on my parents. apparently when i'm gone, she sleeps with them. i can home to her "loving" meows which let me know she was not a happy kitty. i also realized that come sunday, it will be a year since señore poochie, her brother, has passed. hard to believe its been a year...

had dinner tonight with the extended fam and it felt like old times. we ran into more family and family friends we hadnt seen in a while. it was a good thing...i got to spend some time with my cousin and will have lunch/dinner with friends i havent seen in a while as well. going to be good times for sure.

also, i've gotta comment on the people that have come back into my life from my past. that in itself has been totally amazing and a huge blessing in terms of hearing what's been happening in their lives and getting to see what God has done in them. it's given me alot of hope and encouragement in ways i didnt realize i needed.

to that - God has completely amazed me. i have no doubt that He's with me..and probably smacked me on the back of the head a few times for some bonehead decisions or for not doing something i shoulda done...but its His graciousness that overwhelms me at times. i keep thinking ok this situation is crazy insane but despite it God I know you love me and I know You're seeing me through it.

stinks going through it...stinks walking in it...but you know...sometimes that's how it's gotta be. i dont completely understand it, but i've realized from my 5k training that there are days when yeah...its tough and you wanna just give up. i've had days when i'm like i feel like this is defeating me instead of building me up...but i think it comes down to your mentality. i have to remind myself, "i'm in this to win it." the fighter within somehow surfaces and there i go...fighting tooth and nail for that second or tenth of a mile or next push-up or whatever it is that i'm engaging in.

what gets me through those moments in taking it step by step...i self-talk "one more step, come on two more steps" until i reach the desired goal, etc...sometimes in life you gotta do that....just two more seconds, just one more second....you can't look five miles up the road, just gotta focus on your next step...if i stopped to worry about all the other things happening or not happening in my life, i'd easily be overwhelmed....but instead i look at the most pressing and immediate thing and say let me focus on this..and once i work through that then focus on the next thing. it has preserved my sanity and kept me moving forward.

i know to some of you, this doesnt make any sense. you may think, you look fine...look like everything's together...and most days it is...but there are moments when i feel like "am i going to survive today? am i going to survive this moment." its then that i feel the tap on my should and can here Jesus say, "you're gonna be just fine, i've got your back, you're blessed beyond measure, and its not as bad as it seems."

it's going to get better, things will change, and life does indeed go on....

i'm trusting and walking, moving forward and determined to make progress. i knew when i started this journey that it wouldn't be easy and that the mountain i was going to face was no minor hill, so i was well aware of the challenges that lay ahead in pursuit of this dream. what i can say without a shadow of a doubt is that this is what i'm supposed to be doing...i'm where i'm supposed to be...and i'm pursuing what i was meant to pursue. it is woven into every fabric of my being and i cannot waiver from that.

yes there is uncertainty in regards to where this will lead me, but i refuse to live life wondering "what if." sometimes sacrifice is necessary in following your heart and following God's plan. i know that this road has cost me much but i have to say that being where i'm supposed to be and really living in that peace is worth everything that has been sacrificed. i look not to the immediate future and benefits but to the long term and the eternal impact these decisions have. to some, they make no sense and that's ok...to me, i can see the immediately path clearly and at the end of the day that's what really matters.

so grateful for the unwaivering support of friends and family and unconditional love. there are people in my life that i dont doubt their concern, care, and love for me and i can say that in the last couple of months these people have been pillars in my life. pillars that God has used to get me through and help me see the light at the end of the tunnel.

wheels have been set in motion and there's some waiting to be done, but i'm confident that in the end...God will see to those promises that He gave so long ago. It isnt over until He says it is...and so i may be down for the moment, but i'm not out for the count and i'm getting back up with a very different confidence and stronger steady fire. when you've experienced true hunger, you learn to appreciate the simplicity of nourishment...you no longer have the expectation of the extravagance of certain elements but appreciate what you've been given and graciously accept what's being provided.

laying it down

i had high hopes for today. hopes that there would be less drama and disappointment than in recent days. that was not the case...i was rocked with tons of reminders and encouragement. some helpful and insightful but really...they dont have any power to do much for you unless you willingly accept them.

i had a situation completely out of my control go down. completely shook me and more than anything really irritated me. had to deal with someone who was not pleasant and just in the last week am really tired of dealing with people who are ugly to others. i wish i could say i responded as best i could but the week had already taken its toll and i did what i could with what i had.

what i'm most astounded by is this back and forth of events/activities/circustances. great things happening in the midst of tough circumstances and situations.

i know that God's in complete control...know that this is the point where faith is tested and must be accompanied by action. but it doesnt lessen the pain of walking through the tough stuff. i love the people in my life who've walked beside me, even not knowing the deepth of the situation at hand. the amazing thing is that i dont have to devulge everything, dont have to share every emotion or every thought...

i've also learned enough to know that it will pass. a new season will come just as quickly and quietly as this one did. right now i'm contending with decisions made. some i can do nothing about. they were made years ago but the consequences are still affecting me today. it's frustrating but what do you do? take what you have and do with it as best as you can. i've had long talks with Jesus about it. in fact, He and i have had lots of long talks about alot of things.

despite all the recent stuff of life. He's the one thing I can be absolutely certain of.

I'm gonna take this a little deeper than I have previously. i may pay for it later but i've had to many conversations with people going through stuff to not talk about my journey.

i'm not going to go into details because its not about what i'm actually facing but more about the journey of all this stuff. i've learned that we dont truly know what someone else is walking through without being in their shoes. sure we can catch a glimpse of it and/or sympathize because we've been through a similar situation but you never really know all that one is contending with. don't know the skeletons in the closet, the past hurts or situations, dont know the things they dont tell or share....and i think that's where we sometimes get it wrong.

i say dont make assumptions because you dont know. we want to offer pretty words, we want to offer solutions, we often want people to move into happier more fun times but sometimes the best thing we can offer is to just be there...to say hey i'm here if you need anything.

i've tried to remember that in conversations i've had lately. remembering grace and love which is unconditional and expects nothing in return. i dont understand why the tough stuff has come now...dont know why certain individuals i love are facing some traumatic situations. why people are struggling or facing stuff way beyond anything they've ever seen....

the hardest part of the day, for me, comes right before i go to sleep. its those last few moments when my mind races and all the thoughts of the day come flooding back. when stuff i dont really want to think about comes creeping up to say, hey here i am...you've not yet dealt with me.

its then that i reflect on the choices i've made or didnt make....its then i'm sometimes ridden with regret for choosing something over something else or for not taking a road or opportunity. i cant change any of it, cant go back and make it into something else, cant take back what i've given away...it's done.

all i can do is to ask God to take what I have and to make it into something beautiful, to turn around those decisions i made, and do something amazing with them.

lately, i've been feelin a little humpty dumpty-like. i've been asking Jesus to put back together those broken pieces. not necessarily easy or painless. Necessary for sure...but i've come to realize that so many of us are walking down similar roads.

dreams not gone as planned....facing challenges beyond us...not quite sure what the next few steps are...some of us are letting go, while others of us are walking through some tough healing processes. we're all facing something...maybe its a moment of great joy or just sitting to reflect.

despite what we're facing no matter how tough...i'm learning that we can face it with joy. count it all joy no matter what we endure. not an easy lesson to learn for sure. what more, i see God's love in so many situations and in friends and family. in those crazy conversations that take me to a place of relief and laughter that are so silly people would wonder but that cause me to smile or to remember that its not as bad as i think.

i've remained pretty silent about alot of things happening in the last few months...but there comes a point where you just cant be silent anymore. i've also learned that what the enemy means for your detriment, God has the complete ability to use for His good and the greater good of His people.

my situation isnt the end of the world, no its sooo far from it. i have needed some faith to activate my situation. reminders that it may seem impossible but with God all things are possible. i also know that situations like this develop character, perseverance, and strengthen our hope in the unfailing.

there is one who loves us unconditionally...and without reservation. that is what i wake up to each morning and what i hold on to throughout each day. i'm blessed beyond measure and what i have right now is the gift of life...so no matter what i may feel in the moment...there are truths that i can trust and lean on to see me through.

i've witnessed God do some amazing things in the lives of people i know. i've been a witness to the things He's done in my own life and the life of my family. so many of you can share you're own stories.

i think it was most poignantly put today...that in the midst of your self-made pity party...to think about the things which you have been blessed with...take your eyes of your situation and raise them to the sky. in the end, our own self-loathing does nothing for our situation but make it worse...its when we go to the Father and say, I trust and walk in whatever You have for me...no matter how painful or difficult...i walk in joy...that's the true test. is what He has enough for me and am I willing to let it be enough?

I can be in a crowd or by myself, Almost anywhere, When i feel a need to talk with God, He is Emmanuel, When I close my eyes, No darkness there, There's only light!

what i know best to do, is to take it to the Father. to be covered with repentence and forgivness for what i've not done or done wrong...to go before His throne and into His presence for what I need...knowing the authority He's given us to do just that...He's waiting for each of us...and so tomorrow i will start my day in the manner which i ended mine today.



on my knees
laura

fightin' tooth and nail

so this chicka is not out for the count. oh no SIR!!! despite some recent activities and just life drama in general, i'd been not feelin like a winner.

then i took a super mega-tron nap this afternoon and was finally able to shake the fuzzy feelin i'd been feelin since the weekend. lol. not that a megatron nap did the trick but it certainly helped.

i started working on some pressing tasks and just realized i dont have time to be distracted by retarded, insidious drama. so that got me on the fast-track of pullin it together which is where i'm at now.

tomorrow morning is a training session in the early AM and then its game time to start preparing for next week's homework/case due dates and exams. plus i think i'm going back home for a visit over this weekend and well there's no studying while i'm home. missing senorita poochie and it's always good to visit the rents.

so the most hilarious thing happened to my best friend - though i've not received permission to share - so i wont. but she seriously cracked me up. conversations with her throughout the day have inspired and encouraged me with alot of different things but most pointedly in the area of training for this darn 5k. i've changed my diet once again and let me just say that the new calorie restrictions are super harsh *this is the plan my trainer has me on* so the adjustment to the new calorie count...not so fun. either way...pressin through it cause you know me...a fighter to the death! lol...

also gotta say that Jesus is amazing. have more to say about that but will wait to post that blog until tomorrow. for now, its sleep, sleep, sleep!

hope you are all having super great weeks and enjoying the beautiful lovely weather. its super amazing and i just want to sit on a park bench and soak up the sun (during the day - not right now!!!) lol. just clarifying. alright loves. peace be upon you!

truth be known: you make me wanna barf...

sometimes you dont need someone to understand, you just need them to listen. its usually when you do, that they decide not to, listen that is. so if i could just get rid of all the dramatic "elements" in my life right now, life would be good....really good. unfortunately, there are some things sooooo far outta my control that any efforts to eliminate them would be futile. so i'll trust them to capable hands.

been listening to Plumb's "Chaotic" album.



think i might just go running tomorrow to this one.

another one is "better"



i have to give a big thank you to my best friend who sent me a link of stuff to read while i was in marketing today. i know...probably not the best thing in the world to be doing but i cant really help going into a trance like state in that class or stats. AGH! and tomorrow morning 3 hrs of stats. maybe i can work on my homework during class?

we still dont have grades posted for our first 8 week courses. makes me a bit nervous.

not much on the agenda for this week - though i have homework and a test next week - i'm seriously thinking of going home this weekend. have more to say but i'm exhausted...it's monday! trucking towards the weekend.

Manhattan

empowerment is a funny thing.

who you empower do do what and when...whole other ball game.

earlier today...i was irritated by a number of situations. lots of why? whens? what are you thinking? kinda' questioning.

seems i've experienced a whole new sort of shift in life and its not one i'm super happy about. yet at the same time, its also one i can do little to change. more than anything the shift has become a distraction. trying to remain focused on those things which need my immediate attention. fortunately for me, right now, those seem to be in abundance.

so this post isnt as positive as others have been. not in terms of i'm not being positive but more in regards to being positive can sometimes require alot of work. its almost as if - moving to another city where no one knows you would be soooo much easier than staying where you are. oh but that's not true either. so you just gotta grit your teeth and buckle down for the bumpy ride. turbulence usually never lasts too long.

there are some things which i need to address and others which i dont feel's really worth the effort. (makes me laugh thinking about it). some things that are completely out of my control and to be honest i have no idea how they ended up where they are...but things are what they are. so now i gotta deal with it. fun stuff...really...

i can say that i've finally arrived to a point where i'm tired of letting things remain as they are. there's been some dramatic departures and i thought those actions would only complicate life further...turns out it's only simplified things. no more concern for certain issues/situations. not giving time to situations which will have no return. (chuckle)

no...i'm taking those energies once focused on those situations and channeling them towards some progressive forward-moving projects.

(listening to GLO - Midnight Voyage - thanks Kijsten - great recommendation for the running playlist)

it seems that old skeletons are trying to creep out of the closet which is why i brought up empowerment. i had some long long talks with key people in my life. just had to get it all out and say hey, this is the situation. let me just say that ALWAYS - honesty is THE only policy. for now, i know what i'm contending with and have the necessary help to see me through.

i've also really really really realized the value of the support system i have in my life right now. can't say enough about those people who've stuck by me in the last couple of months. love you more than words could ever express and no, you're actions, thoughts, words, prayers havent gone unnoticed.

again - all of this is pretty abstract so please dont assume you know what i'm talking about unless you really know, (and trust me if you're in my inner cirlce - you'll know). i love how some people can take things completely out of context or make these super erroneous assumptions that you're talking about them when really you're addressing something so far away and apart from them that it could be the distance between the Sun and Pluto! Truthfully rather than upset me. those kind of assumption making abilities kinda crack me up and i just have to roll my eyes when people do that. I mean, seriously, it takes some really *cough cough* "colorful and creative" people to make assumptions like that. If i was being really candid, i just say they were "crazies."

i must say a million times, dont make assumptions just be direct and ask. but as usual, people like to assume things are about them when really they're not. so lesson number 1: never assume where i'm concerned. i tend to throw myself for a loop at times so you cant really ever know what i'm attemption to do: sometimes I dont even know.

its not like i just outwardly act without thinking through my actions. i try to be considerate, thoughtful, and methodical but i've learned that my thought process sometimes departs greatly from the general population. so what i may consider to be saying one thing could very well be saying something else. it's who i am...and sometimes that tends to be an "outlier" as we would say in stats. it is what it is so just deal with it. i cant apologize for being who i am and who i was created to be. it just is.

i've honestly thought about law school in another state just to get a completely new, fresh start. but isnt that a form of "running"? yeah...not a good idea.

for now - that idea has been tabled. mainly because i havent been lead to pursue that option. there are some options which i need to consider but i seriously dont want to. like i just want to scratch them off the list and say No WAY JOSE! "Get that corn outta my face" like Nacho....uhm yeah...but havent been led to do that either.

i have a finance test tomorrow. back in the full swing of class work as the second 8 week stint is underway. kinda weird to only have three classes but to be going full throttle. i'd like to say the work load is what i need to keep me busy, but let me just be honest. its not...i mean when you compare it to 18+ hours and then online coursework on top of that...yeah, it seems a little slow to me. But i'm glad that i had some freedom in my schedule because the last 8 week session was a little crazy...with my bro-in-law's surgery and getting bronchitis = not so bueno.

i can say i'm feeling better and am now contending with the dry conditions of this part of the state. i'm slathering lotion on every five minutes! i now know how my sister felt when she moved from Florida to Texas but i only moved 3 hours north!

so for now...my mode is survival. its a rough season and i know that a new one will come soon enough. working on being thankful for where i'm at and for what i'm going through. just gotta say that sometimes its hard. you just want to stay under the covers and hope all the situations will disappear. Oh but that's not putting on your BIG GIRL pants and dealing with the necessary stuff like an adult. yes i know...so that's what i'm working on.

for now that means getting back to studying for finance...got that test in the A.M.

night beautiful people - i hope you're week goes well.

don't worry - faith has not left and is not going anywhere anytime soon. just have to be real about the current state of life. its not easy but despite that i can say that yeah Jesus/God is with me at all times and that's what carries me through the day to "fly like a bird" a song i've been listening to quite a bit as of late.

trusting until i'm blue in the face.

only in my dreams...speaking of

I've spent the last couple of weeks contemplating over, praying for, developing writings, working diligently on my personal statement.

Driving to school, it's been on my mind. Sitting on the bus going from the BA to the Commuter lot, its been in the back of my mind. Working on laundry, the hamster wheel furiously turned as I tried to figure out the exact content and approach to this monumental work. How do i define my educational goals and who i am in just six hundred words?

It wasn't until i was taking a break from focusing on it that it finally came. In fact, I was on a treadmill in the gym when it finally hit me. I'd written a personal statement before but for clarification purposes I should explain exactly what a personal statement is.

When applying to most grad schools, most require a resume along with a personal essay. Pertaining to law school: a personal statement is an opportunity to sell yourself to the law school you're applying to. You can write about anything but in short, you want to prove that you are law school material and the type of student that law school is looking for.

I didn't realize it at the time, but my study abroad program was preparing me for the writing of this personal statement. My fellow study abroad collegues have differing views of the courses we were required to enroll and participate in as part of the program requirements. Being the supernerd that I am, i took my participation in the program a little differently.

Perhaps, it was my aptitude and predisposition towards law school to begin with but my approach took a more serious tone. I mean, we were discussing the Roman Empire and Republic along with its relevance towards the development of human freedoms coupled by the Socratic method and the role these would play in regards to the development of jurisprudence. How could anyone get excited about those kinds of discussions?

lol..oh I can name a few and yes, they're either in law school now, have been, or will be going soon!

had the most encouraging conversation with my very brilliant cousin. this would be the one at Stanford Law and yes i'm bragging. She didnt get there on good looks alone! LOL. so what I love most about her is that great education and all, she's very easy to talk to and relate to. She's worked hard for her accomplishments and has arrived at her present place in life through determination and fearlessness. Not to mention she has a great husband who's supported her in accomplishing her dream (that alone speaks volumes to me about the partnership that marriage is).

ok so our conversation...i'm going to depart a bit but its necessary to understand why the conversation is so important to me. We're all given different lots in life. With those lots, come varying assets which aide and enable us in accomplishing goals, dreams, and tasks in life. We can sometimes lose sight of those assets and get caught up on those things which we do not have. its what "we dont have" that can sometimes keep us from reaching for the starrs/goals/dreams. The fear of "what i have may not be enough" can, at times,  paralyze us where we stand, unable to take progressive steps forward. this has at some point in my own life been the case.

it wasnt until a few years ago, when i returned back to school and decided 'this is what i want, this is supposed to be my path in life' that i started down the long road that would eventually lead to becoming a Red Raider. there was a time when i thought it not quite possible to become an alum of the school my family is so endeared to (well most of us!). i saw following in my dad's and bro's footsteps something of an enigma. But i remember my dad saying, "if i can do it, so can you and nothing is impossible with God."

it was a blue Tiffany's box, holding a key ring with a heart charm attached, and the words of someone i love and hold very dear, "Remember that God holds the keys to your dreams and with Him nothing is impossible" that started me on my way to reaching for my dreams.

How could i negate those words in action? I knew from the course of the two years prior that those words are and were COMPLETELY true. I've witnessed God do some amazing things, bring me through some incredible moments, and deep, deep, deep down I knew that if this was really His plan for me...nothing could deter it.

So three years later, here I am. A Texas Tech student on the road to accomplishing an MBA with a BBA and a trip to my "dream" destination (Italy and Greece) under my belt. Everytime I look at those pictures, I remember that "dreams do come true" and its that blue Tiffany's box that holds a key chain with a very, very old and rustic key attached to it that reminds me that nothing is unattainable when God is involved. That box isn't about a gift from Tiffany's, though it was VERY NICE! No, its REALLY about God giving the very, very best to His people. I have another accessory that reminds me of that lesson as well...that when you have nothing: God can give you beyond measure.

in the last few weeks, i'd been struggling with certain "dreams" and questioning, eveb second guessing where I'm at. Its been conversations with a variety of people that have brought and carried me to a new place. When i started on this path, i knew that it would not be easy and i would face moments when i would be truly tested in endurance and perseverance. i've now arrived to that testing.

i can only compare it to the training i've just begun in preparation for the 5K. i've spent alot of time thinking about the varying points that an athlete faces. the start of the journey, where an athlete learns the fundamentals of their respective sport, then moving past the fundamentals to learning the art of the sport along with developing discipline, endurance, and perseverance. Sometimes atheletes face points of injury or even points where their bodies need something more than what they are giving such as hydration when cramping or being stretched a bit to be prepared to re-enter the game. There's hard work and being challenged to the point of breaking but before that can occur, when an athlete is successful, they will arrive at the goal. The end of the game or the end of the race....its that last stretch that sometimes most painful and the hardest to endure. But, its reaching the goal that all competitive athletes are striving for.

you have to know your strengths and weaknesses...need to know what assets you have that will enable you to reach the goal. that's what my conversation with my cousin was really about. sure there are physical elements that say, there's no way you're going to accomplish that...but as i've said before: i've seen crazier things happen. like a non-traditional student spending an entire month in Italy/Greece - expenses paid and that's just a minor/recent example...

i dont know where this dream will lead me...just know that there's a goal in site and that's what i'm aiming for.

there's a song that's really spoken to me so i thought i'd share it.



what i've come to realize is that this isnt about my dreams or my plans...but about a path i've been placed upon. i've had to come to a point of surrender to say: what is it that you want of me...where do you want me to go...what do you want me to do?

no matter how many times i ask or which way i turn...its always the same response. with confidence and assurance of heart, i know that this is the plan that He has for me.

I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. Jeremiah 29:11 (The Message)

i think i've run from it long enough and now its time to embrace it and walk in it. no matter how far i may go or how hard i may try to run, it is woven into the very fabric of my being: with complete certainty i see this now. the pursuit of this dream will be seen to completion and the hand that led me to embark on this journey will be faithful to see this work completed.

no longer holding anything back but going hard for that which I have yet to attain: reaching for the prize.

I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back.  Phil 3:12-14 (The Message)

i encourage you not to hold anything back. this life is a vapor and all to quickly it will be over. instead, live each day in a way that will leave you with no regrets, embracing every moment, and loving deeper than you've ever loved before.