We've all heard it said that time heals all wounds and I have to say from my own experiences: yes, it most certainly does. It almost seems that time moves more slowly during those periods though. Why is that? We've all experienced loss on some level. The death of a loved one, a broken relationships, or dreams gone awry; something we wanted more than anything on the planet and then watched it slip through our fingers into the abyss. Sometimes it was for our good and other times because of our own actions. Sometimes we understand exactly why it must be so and other times we're left bewildered and dumbfounded.
I can only say that it’s a process and that on one day we feel a certain way and then another we don't. Emotions/feelings don't last forever and eventually we begin to see the sun peeking through the clouds making way for brighter days and newer seasons to arrive.
This seems to be the season of heartache. Many of you have gone through break-ups or are going through difficult times with significant others currently. Don't worry: I'm not pinpointing anyone specific but if we've had a conversation about it, then you know I'm talking to you. I don't have any answers as to the why's or when's. I can only say thank you for sharing with me your journeys and for trusting me with your feelings.
I know it's not been easy and I can't say when better days will come, but I know EACH of you will survive this season. You won't be victims: you will be better, stronger, and more secure because of it. I pray for each of you and know that God is with you, seeing you through and in those tough moments when the emotions well, know that He's there willing and ready to listen. Climb into His lap and let Him know how you feel...and then when it’s all been said and done, let it go.
There's more I'd like to say but I need some time to develop my thoughts with the right combination of words. The issue has to do with maintaining the integrity of my views on anonymity. I've never been one to really mask what I feel or how I see things. I've been told by many that I wear my heart on my sleeve and there are definitely moments when I alternate between leaving people clueless as to what I'm thinking or how I feel and moments when there are no doubts as to what I think or how I feel.
Life in recent months has taken a lot of unexpected turns, both for me and my family and I've had to face some stark realizations. I don't gloss over and pretend something is when it isn't. A long, long time ago, I once did and out of the painful results of doing so, I decided I didn't want to be "that girl." By incorporating some really honest and straight-forward people in my life, I’ve managed to stay on the straight and narrow keeping/maintaining as "right” of a perspective/view as possibly given my range of "crazy life" experiences.
I was reading through some past blogs and went through some old journals recently. Just needed to gain some perspective on what I once thought I wanted of this life, what I’d felt God wanted for me, and then ultimately seek what God really DOES want for me.
Digging into the past can be painful and all in the same moment can be so completely joyful. You have the opportunity to see where you've come and what you've been carried through into the present. Hindsight is powerful and often you gain a very different view of your situation/circumstances. Unfortunately, we're not afforded with that luxury ahead of time to guide us in the choices/decisions we make. That kind of hindsight might deter us from some necessary lessons.
Many of you are aware that I took a very, very long hiatus from organized ministry. So many reasons but in short...I just really needed to step back from voices I'd given place in my life....voices in leadership that said "oh you have this talent or are great at this and should be doing this or involved in this or you're a leader assist us with this" and led me along these paths as "partners." Well that was just as long as I was the "yes" man and in complete agreement, everything was gravy but the very moment I voiced concerns or raised opposition, gone like a bolt of lightning these people they were...and too many times I felt I was left holding the bag.
Reminds me of June Cash and her story to Johnny about being the little boy with his finger in the dam wall. It is for that reason I'm so very cautious and often times at distrust with individuals. So many promises...so many spoken pretty words and very little action backing those words. It is also for that reason that I don't trust words unless they are backed by action.
Maybe it shouldn’t be that way, something Jesus and I are working on, but it is what it is. So for me, I needed to step outside of that and see clearly and hear clearly outside of those voices. I learned how to better detect wolves in sheep clothing and to be smarter about the choices I make concerning how and what I decide to be involved in and with. It also made me realize the following:
I am who I am, faults and all. You don’t get to pick and choose what you like and re-assemble me into something you want. I'm not a super buffet. It's all or nothing and the only one who has the power and right to make any changes is God and God alone. Unconditional love is loving despite their faults because true love isn't about self and what I want.I've watched too many individuals take that approach to relationships. The "let me pick and choose what I want, let me be conditional in my feelings for you" approach. As long as it’s convenient for you, as long as you stand to gain, as long as I benefit you - only then am I allowed to be involved and part of your life or given place. The moment it becomes too difficult or beyond the effort you want to give...you walk...such sadness...
(Please know I’m not talking specifically about myself. Merely using "I/You" in a generality.)
Taking that kind of approach to any relationship can cause you to miss out on something beautiful and amazing. I hear several of my friends going through this experience and see them in pain, and honestly...my heart breaks for them. Each of them (my friends) is so uniquely gifted with different perspectives and offerings: all super great God loving people. It makes me sad to see them walking through this. That makes me sad that some people don’t see that beauty and don’t appreciate it in the same way.
My own experiences have left me in a state where I can say that I can relate. It’s never easy to face realities and to confront truths that hurt but that's exactly where healing begins...in truth. First, in being honest with yourself and then in continuing to maintain that honesty and moving forward. Easier said than done for certain.
There are some things/situations I’d like to forget altogether; just completely erase them from my mind, but that's not possible. No...we must deal and walk through the consequences of our choices. In the end, it makes us better people, I’m sure of it. Makes us more aware of God's love for us and makes us grateful that He's not a man that He should lie but is with US ALWAYS.
God never gives us more than we can handle and never leaves us on the road alone: something I remind myself of always. I know that on the bus rides going from school to my car when I start to stare into nowhere cause my thoughts wander to situations in my life that He's there with me. He's constantly reminding me that all things are under His control even when it doesn’t seem so.
A year ago I lost one of my cats. Came back from a trip to find he had passed on. Apart from losing my grandmother so many years ago, I’ve never experienced that kind of loss. I didn't realize how much I loved that cat until he was gone. I cried for three days solid and simply could not understand why I was so saddened by his departure.
A friend of mine called me to see how I was doing. My response was, "I don’t know why I'm crying, he was just a cat!" I couldn’t see it clearly at the time...but love has a funny way of sneaking up on you sometimes. I fell in love with Señor Poochie...his funny way of meowing at me or playing catch with me had somehow captured my affections.
In his absence, I finally fully realized just how deeply I cared and loved him. A year later, I still miss him...still love him but my memories of him are different now. I don’t immediately think about his stinky breath or how he'd meow in my face at 5am to be feed...No, my memories are of his crazy antics of bringing me his toys to play fetch with and how he'd sit with me watching TV. Cracks me up now.
The point being that yes it took some time to get to a positive place a place where I could think of him and not cry but I eventually did. The first few days after he was gone were the hardest and most painful....but I can say that I didn't feel that same pain when I walked the stage at graduation (6 months later) or boarded a plane to Italy or even moved to Lubbock...and while the loss of a human relationship is not the same as that of a pet by any means...the idea regarding "time and healing" is.
Listening to you and reflecting on my own experiences, I was reminded of a Bonnie Raitt song, "You can’t make someone love you"...how true...can’t make them choose to stay, can’t make them decide to do what it takes to make things work...can't make them love you the way you want to be loved.
All you can do is be responsible for you and your choices and at the end of the day you have to trust that God will make what you give be more than enough for the right person. This is Allison Iraheta's version of that song...
After re-reading this blog, I had some additional thoughts to add in regards to "not being able to make someone love you." I thought about my relationship with God. Isn't that what He wants of me? For me to love Him because He is who He is and without reservation? Will post an additional blog about this in the next few days (11-22-09)
love you all: continuing to pray that brighter days arrive sooner than later...
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