laying it down

i had high hopes for today. hopes that there would be less drama and disappointment than in recent days. that was not the case...i was rocked with tons of reminders and encouragement. some helpful and insightful but really...they dont have any power to do much for you unless you willingly accept them.

i had a situation completely out of my control go down. completely shook me and more than anything really irritated me. had to deal with someone who was not pleasant and just in the last week am really tired of dealing with people who are ugly to others. i wish i could say i responded as best i could but the week had already taken its toll and i did what i could with what i had.

what i'm most astounded by is this back and forth of events/activities/circustances. great things happening in the midst of tough circumstances and situations.

i know that God's in complete control...know that this is the point where faith is tested and must be accompanied by action. but it doesnt lessen the pain of walking through the tough stuff. i love the people in my life who've walked beside me, even not knowing the deepth of the situation at hand. the amazing thing is that i dont have to devulge everything, dont have to share every emotion or every thought...

i've also learned enough to know that it will pass. a new season will come just as quickly and quietly as this one did. right now i'm contending with decisions made. some i can do nothing about. they were made years ago but the consequences are still affecting me today. it's frustrating but what do you do? take what you have and do with it as best as you can. i've had long talks with Jesus about it. in fact, He and i have had lots of long talks about alot of things.

despite all the recent stuff of life. He's the one thing I can be absolutely certain of.

I'm gonna take this a little deeper than I have previously. i may pay for it later but i've had to many conversations with people going through stuff to not talk about my journey.

i'm not going to go into details because its not about what i'm actually facing but more about the journey of all this stuff. i've learned that we dont truly know what someone else is walking through without being in their shoes. sure we can catch a glimpse of it and/or sympathize because we've been through a similar situation but you never really know all that one is contending with. don't know the skeletons in the closet, the past hurts or situations, dont know the things they dont tell or share....and i think that's where we sometimes get it wrong.

i say dont make assumptions because you dont know. we want to offer pretty words, we want to offer solutions, we often want people to move into happier more fun times but sometimes the best thing we can offer is to just be there...to say hey i'm here if you need anything.

i've tried to remember that in conversations i've had lately. remembering grace and love which is unconditional and expects nothing in return. i dont understand why the tough stuff has come now...dont know why certain individuals i love are facing some traumatic situations. why people are struggling or facing stuff way beyond anything they've ever seen....

the hardest part of the day, for me, comes right before i go to sleep. its those last few moments when my mind races and all the thoughts of the day come flooding back. when stuff i dont really want to think about comes creeping up to say, hey here i am...you've not yet dealt with me.

its then that i reflect on the choices i've made or didnt make....its then i'm sometimes ridden with regret for choosing something over something else or for not taking a road or opportunity. i cant change any of it, cant go back and make it into something else, cant take back what i've given away...it's done.

all i can do is to ask God to take what I have and to make it into something beautiful, to turn around those decisions i made, and do something amazing with them.

lately, i've been feelin a little humpty dumpty-like. i've been asking Jesus to put back together those broken pieces. not necessarily easy or painless. Necessary for sure...but i've come to realize that so many of us are walking down similar roads.

dreams not gone as planned....facing challenges beyond us...not quite sure what the next few steps are...some of us are letting go, while others of us are walking through some tough healing processes. we're all facing something...maybe its a moment of great joy or just sitting to reflect.

despite what we're facing no matter how tough...i'm learning that we can face it with joy. count it all joy no matter what we endure. not an easy lesson to learn for sure. what more, i see God's love in so many situations and in friends and family. in those crazy conversations that take me to a place of relief and laughter that are so silly people would wonder but that cause me to smile or to remember that its not as bad as i think.

i've remained pretty silent about alot of things happening in the last few months...but there comes a point where you just cant be silent anymore. i've also learned that what the enemy means for your detriment, God has the complete ability to use for His good and the greater good of His people.

my situation isnt the end of the world, no its sooo far from it. i have needed some faith to activate my situation. reminders that it may seem impossible but with God all things are possible. i also know that situations like this develop character, perseverance, and strengthen our hope in the unfailing.

there is one who loves us unconditionally...and without reservation. that is what i wake up to each morning and what i hold on to throughout each day. i'm blessed beyond measure and what i have right now is the gift of life...so no matter what i may feel in the moment...there are truths that i can trust and lean on to see me through.

i've witnessed God do some amazing things in the lives of people i know. i've been a witness to the things He's done in my own life and the life of my family. so many of you can share you're own stories.

i think it was most poignantly put today...that in the midst of your self-made pity party...to think about the things which you have been blessed with...take your eyes of your situation and raise them to the sky. in the end, our own self-loathing does nothing for our situation but make it worse...its when we go to the Father and say, I trust and walk in whatever You have for me...no matter how painful or difficult...i walk in joy...that's the true test. is what He has enough for me and am I willing to let it be enough?

I can be in a crowd or by myself, Almost anywhere, When i feel a need to talk with God, He is Emmanuel, When I close my eyes, No darkness there, There's only light!

what i know best to do, is to take it to the Father. to be covered with repentence and forgivness for what i've not done or done wrong...to go before His throne and into His presence for what I need...knowing the authority He's given us to do just that...He's waiting for each of us...and so tomorrow i will start my day in the manner which i ended mine today.



on my knees
laura