true blue

one thing I did not bargain for or really consider when deciding to move to LBK was the weather. sure, i knew the weather here can change in the blink of an eye, knew that it gets cold, knew they have crazy storms that sometimes produce hail...what i didnt count on was that the changes between the two are a bit more drastic than what i'm used to.

these last few days have been odd. like crazy weird occurrences. For starters, the unexpected cold front that blew through. I wasnt expecting that but then today my neighborhood had a poweroutage which didnt just include residential areas but commercial as well. so i thought, since i have no power, i'll take care of what i need to take care of. oh no...i had to drive further than expected because certain stores around me didn't have power! agh!

then yesterday afternoon, I went to starbucks with a friend of mine. our crazy cold front had just blown in so i thought "oh i'll have some hot chocolate." Except I forgot to tell them skim milk hold the cream! ok so not that I make it public knowledge but i havent had WHOLE milk in like 2 years. Yes, that's right...so you an imagine the havoc and pain that little lush drink caused me. i thought i was going to die (yes i'm being dramatic).

then I have a nail in my tire which i was going to have fixed because i have some warranty or other on the dumb tires i updgraded to the last time I changed out my tires. first i dont like the tires because they are much more noisier than the previous brand and these are supposed to be a step up. They are Yokohama tires to be exact. ok so i go to see what exactly I need to do about this tire and ah! wont be ready till tomorrow...forget it. i'm not losing an air so my dad says i should be alright till tomorrow when i can get it fixed. but i got a stern warning "dont be doing 80mph going down the Loop or any other major road."

my response, "aye aye captain" even gave him a military salute which he could not see!

ok so i'm having this completely horrendous, crazy whacked out day...including my ipod going kah-put on me so i have to send it in to be repaired...and my phone going bonkers and taking forever to load and then deciding its going to turn itself off and not turn back on.

then the power outtage, I mentioned above...yeah put a BIG ole damper on my chicken noodle soup progress. as in i was in the middle of the darn thing, when poof! out goes the power. (sigh) i called everyone that needed to know about said chicken noodle soup and we all decided to do our own thing for dinner. so that meant going back out to figure out what i was going to do in terms of dinner and then having to come back and finish the darn soup i was not a super happy camper. But i decied to see my commitment through so i did indeed finish the homemade concoction which now happily sits in my fridge.

so i had technological challenges, power challenges, health/food challenges....over all it was a very challenging day!

not to mention i'd been trying to write this blog for a few days. so i have itunes on shuffle and up comes my favorite song in the whole wide world! "you are my shining star" by the Manattans.



You can watch the video. Just puts me in a super relaxed happy mood! what can I say? ok with that I'm going to bed. tomorrow's blog will have a bit more content, i promise...just that its late and there's too much to tak about now.

random thoughts from today...

there's so much i'd like to share in today's tid-bit but i just dont have the emotional energies to re-visit some of the latest happenings. the last few weeks have been a little intense. i should not be surprised this is how my life goes! lol. To do the hard thing and go to the hard places: something i have little say about.

Cary's recovery fluctuates. He makes progress and then encounters a set back. My sister's been through the mill and i've been praying for strength. Working on a care package to send them. My parents are also back on the road, headed to Texas - home sweet home. They should arrive sometime tomorrow evening.

I've had to make some major decisions as life has evolved. Decided to go back to full-time employment. I cant believe i'm saying this but i'm excited about the notion. I can only say that right now, its the right thing for my life. I've also let go of some things that I now see as hinderances towards the end goal. Won't go into too much detail and I can only say that its not been an easy process. Even now, I have moments where I think "what in the world?" doesnt make much sense i know...

Whatever this journey brings, I can say i'm ready and with an open mind, heart, and soul to whatever it is that God brings to my life or takes me too. There's still much I dont yet know and still more I'm learning...but i'm content to take it one step, one day at a time. I dont need to know step by step how i'm going to get to the end destination...just need to know i'm getting there.

I also have taken on a new challenge: to run a 5K competitively and by the end of next year a half marathon. I met with my trainer today and she totally rocked and encouraged me, that yes it was totally doable. I managed to get in 2.79  miles today!!!

I think there are two other's who are feelin the same sentiments and working on training! so i've officially started a 5k training program. I decided to post my progress here. so for those of you wanting to get into shape...trust me if i can do it, so can you. and what more all you gotta do is see pictures of my brother to see what determination and hard work can accomplish.

ok so i just realized the time and realized i need to get to sleep if i'm going to funtion tomorrow...

I'm working on posting more consistently so we'll see how that goes. The song listed below is something i've been listening to quite a bit. I can say that i'm definitely grounded in a decion and a resolve and am waiting on God for many things at this point in my life but even in the waiting I'm not supposed to sit passively twiddling my thumbs, no i'm called to action - to better what i've got and sow so that there will be something to reap.

I dont understand God's timing, for all my book smarts its never been something i've ever been good at grasping. But that's ok. I just know He's gonna come through at the perfect moment. I'm just working at making the most of each moment and opportunity, not leaving anything left on the table...so that at the end of the day I know that I did the best I possibly could with that day. alot of good things coming down the road and i'll be sharing them here, so stay posted!

You'll Come

Chains be broken
Lives be healed
Eyes be opened
Christ is revealed

I have decided
I have resolved
To wait upon You Lord
My rock and Redeemer
Shield and reward
I'll wait upon You Lord

As surely as the sun will rise
You'll come to us
Certain as the dawn appears

You'll come
Let Your glory fall as You respond to us
Spirit rain
Flood into our thirsty hearts again
You'll come
You'll come

We are not shaken
We are not moved
We wait upon You Lord
Mighty deliverer
Triumph and truth
We wait upon You Lord

As surely as the sun will rise
You'll come to us
Certain as Your word endures

You'll come
Let Your glory fall as You respond to us
Spirit rain
Flood into our thirsty hearts again
You'll come
You'll come

Chains be broken
Lives be healed
Eyes be opened
Christ is revealed



blessings always
laura

random thoughts from yesterday...

from a note i posted on facebook yesteday:

thought i'd take a minute to get some thoughts out. it's been an incredible month to say the least and its like the drama "can't stop, won't stop" diddy style. that is...

until i gave it a big ole' 'record scratch' stop. yes, dj promote style.

i was thinking to myself, "why am i taking this lying down?" i'd been a bit passive in months past. no idea why: just kinda where i was. life has been mind altering at times but hey it happens and wont be the last time either.

i was evaluating my situation and rather than resign and give up i realized,"hey i'm a fighter and i believe in something bigger than all of this" and that's when it hit me. a friend of mine would often say to me, "you gotta get out of the boat." i was reminded of that. i know exactly what he meant and even now that statement has huge application in my life.

it's easy to throw in the towel and throw your hands up in the air and say, i give up then sit and wallow in your sorrows in a self-thrown pity party. but no one really likes a party for one (and i doubt anyone else will join you in your pity - at least that's been my experience).

so yeah i figured when the horse bucks you off, you can stay scared and refuse to get back on walking the ka'million miles to your destination or you can dust yourself off and get back on. there's something about getting over a fear that's rewarding.

i realized that today. i used to be really fearless that way and as of late have been a bit more conservative but i've realized conservation has not really worked out well for me. so i'm headed back to the land of the fearless. sometimes you just gotta go for it and it could be anything - a dream, facing a skeleton in the closet, overcoming something you dread, attempting something new....

i mean what do i have to lose, really?

so the plan is to get things organized (Cause things are a bit of a mess right now) and start truckin forward. leaving behind those things that are distractions and hinder me from making progress...not gonna cry about them, not gonna whine about them, not gonna contemplate why they are...just gonna move forward - away from them.

in the end, those decisions have led to some much needed peace and a happier place which is such a great relief. getting back to the things i love, not out of obligation but sheer joy to partake in them and to grow from learning.

its nice...really nice.

hopefully, my drama be gone will work: we can only wait and see...but if it doesnt, all i can say is that there will be plenty more challenging moments without a doubt. However, i'm trusting that what i've known to always be true (you reap what you sow) will come to pass. hard work is never, ever in vain...even if it takes a while to manifest itself...it eventually will.

made it to the gym and got in 2.59 miles. completely awesome and invigorating. will be there tomorrow early in the AM to start the morning/day right. also started the next round of classes today. material wise, not so super exciting..but it only means i'm another step close to graduating and another step closer to pursuing another dream. well i cant complain about that at all.

working on the law school scenario...we'll just have to wait to see howthat pans out. i'm trusting...

j train

We're on our way home from a weekend in Dallas. My bro is @ the helm navigating our way across that beautiful West Texas landscape and me on my palm writing this blog. Somethin about west texas sunsets that make me wanna write.

Had the most interesting weekend and while major deadlines loom on the horizon, the weekend's activity were more needed than I could ever anticipate.

Joined team "Save the Chi-Chis" for Komen which is always an awesome experience. I always walk in celebration of one of my friend's mom. After, we had an awesome brunch @ cafe brazil w/some rockin' folks. That place always reminds me of an old friend, Job - the world traveler and connessiuer of sorts. ok so totally butchered the spelling there.

I managed to catch a much needed nap before getting dressed for church @ NDFC on sat nite. ok can I say I miss my "gente"? cause I totally do...so I felt right at home.

after we were joined by a friend for a quick bite and then off to see "where the wild things are." loved it!!! not a kids movie but more for adults about being a kid. have more to share about that but will wait to write about it. only can say i've had to make a lot of adult decisions lately and none of them have been very forth coming in ease. sometime u have to let something go to embrace something else. sometimes it's easier to do and other times it's the hardest thing to do. I just know that I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other regardless of who's willing or not willing to accompany me on the journey. sometime u gotta be willing to go it alone.

today my bro and I got to see my prima who's got a crazy work schedule so we don't always get to see her. it's always good to spend time w/family and given this last month I've realized just how important they r to me.

Life is definitely in a new season and nothing is familar. I feel like i'm re-emerging from that very driven and risk-taking self again. I sometimes withdraw and sit quietly on the side lines. something like a "know which battles to pick" thing.

exhaustion

got back from angelo earlier this evening. physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. it was good to go home. something comforting about being there though it was entirely too quiet. i got some quality time with senorita poochie and was sad to leave her. she'll definitely be joining me at the start of the new year.

got alot on my plate right now...some stuff that just needs to be dealt with and other stuff...uhhhh...well not talk about it.

my main concern is my sister and the situation with my bro-in-law. my oldest nephew's been having a had time. there's been alot of shifts and changes that i dont even know how to describe. i've not really processed any of it because i've felt so backlogged with my family and school. doing my best to stay focused on those two things.

projects, presentations, cases, papers, and tests...wrapping up two accelerated courses and startin two more. should be interesting. i cant even explain what the accelerated tests take out of me. if anything, i'm learning a new approach to handling the school work and yes i'm back in the gym which should help tremendously.

so the purple hair is no more. my long-time hair stylist took care of that earlier today. so glad and i feel like i've returned from the land of halloween hair. that's what my bro calls it...lol. long story.

i have more to share especially after the crazy weekend. had alot of fun going to the corn maize a second time and the the TTU game which by the way my team lit it up against KSU. so yeah..headed to dallas for Komen this weekend. excited to see friends and participate in something for a good cause...

got class early in the AM and getting my marketing test back (AGH!). Jesus help me.

just have to say that i've been overwhelme by the love and support given to my sis, Cary, and family! God has been so very good to us and i'm reminded every day that no matter what the situation may look like or what man may say, God the Father has the FINAL say...it is my saving grace and I love Him or it!

with a heart that feels the same

the week is going to end better than it started.

so much to be grateful for...yet so many things going on at once. i'm working hard to keep "perspective and focus" exactly where it should be: viewing everything else as a distraction. there are only few things i can be certain of and i try to remind myself of that everyday...the rest is walking in faith and the unseen, i can only trust.

this week has been unusually hard. i've hard tough weeks but it seems they keep escalating almost as if to build endurance and perseverance. is it ironic? i think not.

i started back to the gym this week. had been holding off due to the respiratory issues and infections. not quite back to par but i've taken precautionary and preemptive measures which will lead me down a road to recovery and healing. at the very least, solid runs help me to relieve stress and Jesus knows i've been feeling plenty of that.

closing in on the end of the first 8 weeks of school which means wrapping up two classes with major projects in each. that in itself has been consuming but then toss in everything else going on with the family and at the end of the day i'm spent, emotionally, physically, mentally...you name it. again i go back to endurance and perseverance. running the race...you need endurance and perseverance to get through those moments when you want to throw in the towel, when you wanna give up.

i had a conversation with the Father about things that arent good for us. Scripture says that "all things are permissible, not all things are beneficial." as some of you know, i had a little incident with a pop tart in which i had almost a third degree burn. yes it was that bad.

so i developed this ugly blister. the Father said...you see there are some things in this world that will "burn" you. i thought about that. after a few days when my blister started to heal, i realized that after the blister had formed while it wasnt painful i wasnt able to feel anything in that area. i had toasted some waffles and when i grabbed them to put on the plate, i noticed that i could really feel anything in terms of the heat and around the blister, my thumb was still sensitive to the heat. i thought that makes sense that we can become de-sensitized to things that could be harmful to us and because of that de-sensitized state - we cant tell when we're being hurt further by something.

i failed to open the blister early enough to let it drain (dont want to be gory here) and when i finally did, the wound was able to close and heal but its taking it much longer to heal and looks completely awful because i "ignored" dealing with the wound in hopes it would heal itself when what it needed was to be excised. if i had just dealt with the wound early on it would have healed properly and probably would have little to no scarring.

because i failed to respond quickly, the wound is now healing over itself...not a pretty sight. i'll eventually gain feeling back in that part of my thumb though its going to take some time and the healing process is now extended. made me realize that its better to deal with wounds when they are fresh, allow God to excise what needs to be and bandage the wound for faster healing, the risk of infection and the loss from a possible infection is too great. Not only that but when we allow wounds to fester, they take more of our time, energy, efforts, and focus. i'm sure the enemy, the one who comes to steal, kill, and destroy, has figured this out and because he's familar with our nature knows we'll be reluctant to deal with the wound. it makes us ineffective!

i was thankful to see the lesson in something as trivial as a poptart burn...i cant help laugh about that even now. its good to laugh especially when things don't seem or feel like they're going well. i can say that regardless how difficult things may appear to be, i'm at peace. taking each moment one at a time and working as hard as i can at the task assigned to me. continue to pray for my family - there are occurrences i'm not at liberty to discuss and the only thing i can say is that God is able to do something miraculous in these situtions.

continuing to focus on "how he loves us," reading more, and spending more time with the Father. as you do, its easier and easier to hear His voice and recognize that Yes, He's very much there with you ALWAYS.

he's my brother too

a personal reflection:

I was reading through my last blog and realized that I had written that I had spent time praying for my sister but failed to mention the time I spent praying for Cary. It was then that I realized my true intentions in praying for Cary were more to do with my sister than they were directly for Cary.

It was a conversation I had with my sister this morning that made me realize the travesty I had committed against Cary. Not purposefully or maliciously but more because he married into this family. It's been these last few years that I've watched my Dad really "adopt" Cary into this family: that I heard my dad say, "Cary's a part of my family! and i'm not letting anyone harrass him!"

Something began to shif months ago. Brought on by a few realizations and things that I saw (how certain people treat him). Realizing that we all desire to be accepted and desire to be loved. Cary is no different. I've begun to realize that we need to love Cary not for being my sister's husband, but because he's a member of our family.

I've seen the love of a son for his father in my nephew's eyes, heard it in his voice when he yells "dada!" Cary has become a part of our family. He's one of us! i tend to be fiercely protective of my family and for some reason it just really hit me that, that includes Cary! Right now - in the physical realm, there's not much I can do on his behalf other than be there to support my sister and the rest of the family. But spiritually, i realized, I can stand in the gap in prayer on his behalf!

something hugely monumental shifted...call it grace...call it mercy...but Cary went from being my bro-in-law to being just my brother! I choose to love him for who he is...not because of what he can do or what his talents are...or because of who he is married to..no, i choose to love Cary for Cary just as i choose to unconditionally love my own siblings!

so tonight I pray for my brother, Cary! May God watch over him and keep through the night! I know Cary loves my sister with all his heart and know he's done his best! i pray that his recovery is quick and miraculous not for Cary's sake but so that Cary can give testimony to God's power and to God's love!

oh, how He loves us!

i find myself in a funny place tonight. so many things happening. while at moments i may be saddened emotionally or begin to feel uncertain, i know that i can find joy and comfort in trusting and knowing God is still completely control.

sometimes the reminders we receive, the most powerful ones are the most subtle ones: not the jolt or jab of lightening, not with a whack of the frying pan to the head, and sometimes not even with an expansive fireworks display in the sky...no...sometimes its a simple message so clear and plain in language that there's no denying its true intent and message.

the extended family was in town over the weekend and i can only say that their presence was such a comfort in the absence of my parents who were on their way to be with my sister. so completely glad my folks and Cary's mom an auntie made it there safely.

tomorrow is a big day! it will be a long and hard one for everyone involved but mostly for my sister. i spent time tonight praying for her and for Cary. life has changed in so many unexpected ways since the day she said "I do" (Aug 2004). I don't think on that day, she would've imagine she'd be standing where she is tonight. i dont know how to describe the emotions i encountered in praying for her. i think i've never wanted anything more for someone i love than for this situation to go well. i love both my siblings and would give my life for either one of them. it is never easy to watch them walk down a difficult road in life or to see them experience pain and not be able do something tangibly to ease the pain.

my heart and mind are decidedly with my family in minneapolis tonight. i know that it is tough for the rest of the family who had to remain in Texas. i'm so thankful for technology and txt messaging. I'll be posting updates of Cary's progress so that those of you who have been and will continue to pray can now how things are going. i encourage you to continue praying for them. sometimes we dont know exactly what someone needs but we know our Heavenly Father knows perfectly what those needs are and how to meet them.

i dont understand why we go through the things we go through. i dont have the answers to life's mysteries. i dont even know the complete plans to this life we're living in...but i know One who does. because of His unfailing love, i know we can find peace and comfort. find what we need when our hearts hurt beyond measure. when it seems those we love and trust most have failed us and left us...when we're betrayed and left stranded on the side of the road..His love never fails. It endures all things and it is what carries us through dark times even when we fail to recognize it. It never leaves us..it is always there.

i realize that in moments like these we have a choice: to point blame at someone or some thing or to focus on something beyond that...but honestly...where does blame drive and deliver us to? a place of anger and hurt? its not a place i wish to dwell. i've been through far too much to know better.

but for some reason, i've been floundering in that...its as if i've known it in my head but failed to make the resolute connection in my heart. and i've caught glimpses of it but life's activities have managed to grab my attention for a moment causing me to truly lose sight.

its easy to be distracted by the things in life that carry no real merit...that in the grand scheme of things mean little. i received word late last night that a long time ministry friend who had been hospitalized went into cardiac arrest and had a collapsed lung. i received word this morning that he had finished the race and went home to be with Jesus.

While we are saddened by his departure (some would consider it pre-mature), in our hearts we know he is rejoicing, that he is well, and he is in the presence of our maker. what better place to be than that? its what we are striving for as christians and believers...to run the race and run it well.

i've written many times from scripture that life is but a vapor...and even more so now is that most apparent. given the situation faced by my sister and bro-in-law..i've realized that there are things in my own life that i've held onto that are petty and trivial in the grand scheme of things.

its in these moments that we can take stock of our lives to rid ourselves of those things that hinder us from running the race well. that has been the process i've endured in these last few weeks. there are times when i feel that i'm failing miserably at it but i can only trust and lean on the Father to show me the when's, where's, and how's.

being broken is necessary to be rid of those "old familar" habits in order to be made into something new. its never an easy or painless process either. we want it to be...but would we really see it and would we really know why it was necessary if it was just gone without any giving? any realization that it must be gone?

a friend sent me the following link and i can only say that any fears, any worries, any anxieties were quickly overcome in knowing that Yes He Loves us and not just that He loves us but in knowing HOW He loves us. There is nothing that can separate us from His love...nothing in all creation...no height, no depth, no thing in the present or thing to come in the future...the love of God is in Christ Jesus.

Romans 8:38-39 (English Standard Version)

38For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

There is such great comfort in that...and that's my prayer for my family that they would know the love of God and know How He loves us. I have high hopes and such trust that God will see us through all things...there's no doubt and no waivering. What is to be done will be done as it was ordained from the beginning of time. that is where my heart rests and tomorrow when the sun rises, i will continue to trust and continue to walk not in what i can see but in what cannot be seen.
 
to some it may seem crazy and foolish but it is what we know is in our best interest because just as when the sun rises, when it sets: His love for us will remain and it will endure.



we continue to pray and hope....you can follow tomorrow's updates here:

http://caryrasberry.blogspot.com/

so glad that He does love us!

How He Loves US

He is jealous for me,

Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves.

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

heavy, i know...

listening to "water runs dry" by Boyz II Men.

this has been one interesting week. really..one for the books. so LSAT is overwith. not sure how I feel about it. Honestly. alot of changes happening. not complaining at all. good things and some uhm...well just stuff going on. I'm trying not to refer to it as drama but that's basically what it boils down to. you all know how I feel about drama. i've had to make some hefty decisions and some i feel more comfortable about than others. i've seriously attempted to eliminate as much drama as possible. not always an easy task but challenging nevertheless.

seems my efforts have been rewarded cause life is flowin freely these days. still have some anxieties or rather aprehensions about some stuff but that's when you gotta tell yourself I believe in what cant be seen...and I'm trusting God to do what HE said He would do. Peace like a river flows....its beautiful.

My bro-in-law's surgery is monday. My folks head out tomorrow to be with my sis in Minneapolis. My sister and bro-in-law took their little ones to breakfast this morning before leaving. My mom was telling and I couldn't help but well up in tears.

this last week has been an emotional roller coaster on so many levels.

it doesn't help that i'm not still not feeling well. i'm sure that contributes on some level. schools been a little tough with two tests and a project due this week. i've never been so glad for friday to arrive. some of the extended fam will be here for family weekend. so i'm excited about that without a doubt. it's always a nice comfort to be with family.

i've also had some harsh realizations that certain people in my life that i thought cared about me in a certain manner, really dont. ok that is never something easy to realize. but it is what it is and honestly, what can i do to change it? sure it hurts, never something easy to realize. i've always tried to be as honest as i could in my writings no matter how raw the emotions may be.

the really amazing thing is that i've really seen who are those that really care about me for me...no conditions, just acceptance. i've never been one to beg anyone to stay. just have to do what i feel led to do by God and what is right. i did take the time to step outside of myself to look at the situations surrounding me. they're just circumstances. completely within the scope of God's ability to deal with them and so i'm breathing much more easily. I've seen that yes i'm blessed beyond measure and for that i'm so grateful. it also makes me that much more determined to make the most of each moment of every day.

not an easy task by far. but i've had some really incredible conversations in the last few days... just reminders pointing me to the important things in this life. my mind and my heart is most definitely with family right now.

i've been focusing on Phil 2 these last few weeks. looking to the interest of others. not an easy task by far. our nature tells us to think about our own concerns, our feelings, our benefits...it requires work and purpose to consider others before yourself. and its easy to do when the others you're considering are easy to love..not so easy when they're difficult people to love...nevertheless, it is what we must do.

i have to say that God has been good to me this week...i mean really good. i burned my thumb in an incident involving a pop tart and faulty toaster. just gonna say the toaster went out the door but i was left with a nasty blister on my thumb. not hurting today like it was yesterday. man! if that wasnt enough, i managed to open the door right into my toe. like the corner of the door and split it open. yes...lovely i know. i keep thinking, what is wrong with me?

i seriously considered buying full protective gear to prevent another accident cause i dont know how much more my body could take! plus Komen is this weekend.

so excited about that...we have our LBK team and most of my family is participating which is awesome. the weekend is gonna be what i seriously need! hopin my best friend is gonna visit halloween weekend. trying to work out the plans for that. i love smange...we have some serious fun together and its ok if i'm a bit on the "Blonde" side of things...she gets it and she gets me. of course get her and my bro together and i'll be laughing so hard i might pee in my pants!

we're in the process of workin on an online bible study. i'm excited about that and just excited about alot of new ventures in my life. continuing to focus on family and listening to direction as decisions are being made in these next few months. in short, i'm rolling up the sleeves and doing what needs to be done. as my friend angela would say, "time to put on the big girl pants and get to work."

so glad for the people in my life...gratitude has a way of bring humilty when needed most. so when you think life's down and out think about all the ways God has blessed you, all the things you do have...its never as bad as it seems.

reminds me of a lady antebellum song "one day you will"

You feel like you're falling backwards
ike you're slippin' through the cracks
Like no one would even notice
If you left this town and never came back
You walk outside and all you see is rain
You look inside and all you feel is pain
And you can't see it now

Chorus
But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will

You wake up every morning and ask yourself
What am I doing here anyway
With the weight of all those disappointments
Whispering in your ear
You're just barely hanging by a thread
You wanna scream but you're down to your last breath
And you don't know it yet

Repeat
Chorus

Find the strength to rise above
You will
Find just what you're made of, you're made of

Repeat Chorus

One day you will
Oh one day you will

while this song talks about an inner strength, for me i know that this comes from God...from His provision and His love...He sees us through all things and never leaves us. This we can be sure of. Looking forward to the sunny days ahead!

not the way i think it oughta' be

its late, i know...

i just finished putting together a case for one of my classes. it could've waited but i have a team to be accountable too and didn't want to let them down. its been an incredible last few weeks. so much, so much to say and yet at the same time so much i need to be discrete about.

i've had many quiet moments with Jesus asking for clarity and direction. moments where really i'm just like, "Jesus here's what I have and this is all i know to do." how blessed are we that when we go to him broken in two, He's like "climb on my lap and lay your worries upon me?" i find it comforting much like when my dad gives me a hug and tells me it's going to be ok. i know he knows and understands and simply in knowing that, there is incredible comfort. i've been thinking alot about that and it is what's pulled me through some grueling moments.

its hard to remain rational when you feel pulled and tugged from all-sides. while i didn't see stress manifest itself in the usual ways, i certainly felt it this morning when i woke. felt an unusual pain and mentioned it to my brother who immediately identified, i'ts cause. i thought - makes sense - because i've been internalizing so many things. wasn't until today i started talkin' about some of the issues i'm facing with the people i love most. i felt it almost self-ish to share my struggles when the pressing issue on the family heart is clearly my sister and her family.

but isn't that what family is about. unconditional love realized through unwaivering support and strength. it's those people you consider your family (whether they are related or not) that can provide what you cannot in those moments of need or crisis and yet all too often, it's in those moments that you see who's really there for you or who was there for themselves. its then that true love pours like an everflowing fountain.

i can't describe it in any other way because even as i write this blog, streams of tears pour down my face. it is so incredibly overwhelming.

yes, these people i call family - we have had our struggles in the last few months. we've faced challenges and even in our relatioships with each other we have endured, faced, and conquered both relevant and non-relevant obstacles. its the choice to love unconditionally that causes us to return to common ground. the place where both parties come to humility to say i love you and i want to walk in this with you...want to work whatever issue we may have...and though it may never be truly settled in a way that you can both understand - the common ground is the only understanding you need. they were willing to meet you and you were willing to meet them - and its in that union that a vulnerability emerges which humbles you into a newer and deeper understanding of the underlying that gets you to the truth and heart of those you love. its a painful but sooo completely beautiful process and in it brings unimagined growth: its solidifies your relationship and provides a foundation of security that no matter what you face - yes, it will be ok.

this process has been magnified in my life by so many situations but undoubtedly by the observance of TRUE love. its found in the grace of my sister who cares for her ailing husband when he cannot care for himself; or in the way my nephew Timothy talks about his Dada; its in the fierceness of my mother who would give her life to protect her children; or my Dad who immediately steps up to the plate of responsiblity to provide and care for the family he loves; its the way my brother laughs or grills a turkey burger; its even found in the txt messages of friends saying i'm prayin for you or thinking of you; its found in the rising of the sun and the light when it sets; its in the night sky as the stars shine; and...

its found in a moment of silence.

when no one is around to see you or hear you...just the quiet lull of a computer screen and words you place on it. its then that you decide "I shall believe"

what exactly is it that I believe? that nothing can ever be hidden though we try...that its ok to be broken in two....that going home is always the best solution...and that matter what we feel or see its the faith in the unseen that carries us through to that next place we're so desperately waiting for...that sometimes letting go is necessary and surrendering does not preclude a shameful weakness.

it is when we are weak that He is strong. its in our humilty that He honors us; its our cries that He hears; and its our hearts He desires. there's no fighting, no questioning here...just a willful submission. it is what it is and all i can do place my complete hope, trust, and all i have in the hands of the one who never, ever fails us. its not an easy destination to locate and arrive at but i can say it is well worth the travel.

i cant imagine going through the paces of life (recently) apart from it. its there that you find peace that passes all natural understanding. the kind that makes people say: you must be crazy for enduring but your heart is quieted and your fears and worries laid to rest. there is no anxiety, no uncertainty, no worry because its been left in safe hands.

there is peace and though my actions in the next few weeks may never fully be understood: i can only say its time to roll-up my selves and get to the task i've been assigned. i've never understood this strength within that will not allow me to lay by the side of the road and wallow in self-pity. no, its the kind that says pull yourself up my your boot straps and get to it. i know it is nothing i could ever create within myself but instead is a grace given to me by the One i love the most.

there are no more breaks, no more time-outs, no more excuses. no, its time to get back in the game. with resilient focus, that is my goal, my aim, my task. in this movement into a new direction: there is an element of waiting of being still and knowing...its part of the preparation.

i know this has been a bit abstract but i can only say thank you to those of you who have poured out your love and support into my life and those of my family in these last few days and weeks...its because of your contribution, your gift - that my life overflows now.

the best way i know to honor you is to allow that overflow to bless someone else's life and that's ,y goal for the week. you are all loved and appreciated...

i ask for your continued prayers for Manda and Cary. They travel to Minneapolis this Thurs with my parents following on Friday. It is difficult not to be there physically though in spirit we join and unify with them. We look forward to celebrating the gifts and blessings of life together as a family this season of thanksgiving. i anticipate and expect much to be grateful for! blessings always - may your week be productive and may all things go well for you...

much love and grace
laura