its late, i know...
i just finished putting together a case for one of my classes. it could've waited but i have a team to be accountable too and didn't want to let them down. its been an incredible last few weeks. so much, so much to say and yet at the same time so much i need to be discrete about.
i've had many quiet moments with Jesus asking for clarity and direction. moments where really i'm just like, "Jesus here's what I have and this is all i know to do." how blessed are we that when we go to him broken in two, He's like "climb on my lap and lay your worries upon me?" i find it comforting much like when my dad gives me a hug and tells me it's going to be ok. i know he knows and understands and simply in knowing that, there is incredible comfort. i've been thinking alot about that and it is what's pulled me through some grueling moments.
its hard to remain rational when you feel pulled and tugged from all-sides. while i didn't see stress manifest itself in the usual ways, i certainly felt it this morning when i woke. felt an unusual pain and mentioned it to my brother who immediately identified, i'ts cause. i thought - makes sense - because i've been internalizing so many things. wasn't until today i started talkin' about some of the issues i'm facing with the people i love most. i felt it almost self-ish to share my struggles when the pressing issue on the family heart is clearly my sister and her family.
but isn't that what family is about. unconditional love realized through unwaivering support and strength. it's those people you consider your family (whether they are related or not) that can provide what you cannot in those moments of need or crisis and yet all too often, it's in those moments that you see who's really there for you or who was there for themselves. its then that true love pours like an everflowing fountain.
i can't describe it in any other way because even as i write this blog, streams of tears pour down my face. it is so incredibly overwhelming.
yes, these people i call family - we have had our struggles in the last few months. we've faced challenges and even in our relatioships with each other we have endured, faced, and conquered both relevant and non-relevant obstacles. its the choice to love unconditionally that causes us to return to common ground. the place where both parties come to humility to say i love you and i want to walk in this with you...want to work whatever issue we may have...and though it may never be truly settled in a way that you can both understand - the common ground is the only understanding you need. they were willing to meet you and you were willing to meet them - and its in that union that a vulnerability emerges which humbles you into a newer and deeper understanding of the underlying that gets you to the truth and heart of those you love. its a painful but sooo completely beautiful process and in it brings unimagined growth: its solidifies your relationship and provides a foundation of security that no matter what you face - yes, it will be ok.
this process has been magnified in my life by so many situations but undoubtedly by the observance of TRUE love. its found in the grace of my sister who cares for her ailing husband when he cannot care for himself; or in the way my nephew Timothy talks about his Dada; its in the fierceness of my mother who would give her life to protect her children; or my Dad who immediately steps up to the plate of responsiblity to provide and care for the family he loves; its the way my brother laughs or grills a turkey burger; its even found in the txt messages of friends saying i'm prayin for you or thinking of you; its found in the rising of the sun and the light when it sets; its in the night sky as the stars shine; and...
its found in a moment of silence.
when no one is around to see you or hear you...just the quiet lull of a computer screen and words you place on it. its then that you decide "I shall believe"
what exactly is it that I believe? that nothing can ever be hidden though we try...that its ok to be broken in two....that going home is always the best solution...and that matter what we feel or see its the faith in the unseen that carries us through to that next place we're so desperately waiting for...that sometimes letting go is necessary and surrendering does not preclude a shameful weakness.
it is when we are weak that He is strong. its in our humilty that He honors us; its our cries that He hears; and its our hearts He desires. there's no fighting, no questioning here...just a willful submission. it is what it is and all i can do place my complete hope, trust, and all i have in the hands of the one who never, ever fails us. its not an easy destination to locate and arrive at but i can say it is well worth the travel.
i cant imagine going through the paces of life (recently) apart from it. its there that you find peace that passes all natural understanding. the kind that makes people say: you must be crazy for enduring but your heart is quieted and your fears and worries laid to rest. there is no anxiety, no uncertainty, no worry because its been left in safe hands.
there is peace and though my actions in the next few weeks may never fully be understood: i can only say its time to roll-up my selves and get to the task i've been assigned. i've never understood this strength within that will not allow me to lay by the side of the road and wallow in self-pity. no, its the kind that says pull yourself up my your boot straps and get to it. i know it is nothing i could ever create within myself but instead is a grace given to me by the One i love the most.
there are no more breaks, no more time-outs, no more excuses. no, its time to get back in the game. with resilient focus, that is my goal, my aim, my task. in this movement into a new direction: there is an element of waiting of being still and knowing...its part of the preparation.
i know this has been a bit abstract but i can only say thank you to those of you who have poured out your love and support into my life and those of my family in these last few days and weeks...its because of your contribution, your gift - that my life overflows now.
the best way i know to honor you is to allow that overflow to bless someone else's life and that's ,y goal for the week. you are all loved and appreciated...
i ask for your continued prayers for Manda and Cary. They travel to Minneapolis this Thurs with my parents following on Friday. It is difficult not to be there physically though in spirit we join and unify with them. We look forward to celebrating the gifts and blessings of life together as a family this season of thanksgiving. i anticipate and expect much to be grateful for! blessings always - may your week be productive and may all things go well for you...
much love and grace
laura
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