So here I am up at 6am on a sat morning: writing a note about who knows what? Oh wait, it was about my migraine, that’s right.
The trip home was mostly a blur. My primo slept most of the way and I had a three hour karaoke session by myself so I don’t really remember much of the trip plus the two Excedrin’s I had taken before leaving. I had that foggy feeling which was fading but still had a slight aching in the back of my head. No longer ridden with that throbbing, piercing frontal lobe pain pounding on my forehead. Seriously I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.
I’m back in Angelo and I was planning on driving to San Antonio tomorrow and take care of some stuff at the dealership. But given the current state of my head, decided that move was not so favorable. Well really, a brief conversation with my dad convinced me otherwise. Not that it took much but you know Dad gives you some advice, its usually best to take it: at least that’s been my experience.
So I decided to spend the day hanging around here. There are some things I can take care of and I was able to pull some more stuff that I need to take back with me to LBK. So at least I can say I was somewhat productive. Though this trip is not about productivity. Its about giving myself a mental break from all the insanity that grad school can bring. Sometimes you just gotta step away. I’m not saying its unmanageable because it totally is…but just saying I have more on my plate than I sometimes realize.
I’ve been a bit tunneled vision about school in the last year or so and rightly so as that’s been my current “life’s assignment” so yes I should be focused on it. At the same time, there’s a lot going on back home and with my sis and close friends. So I guess I feel divided at time and helpless to help because my attentions and energies are driven by education right now. It takes a bit more effort to “be there.” I gladly do it because I love these people dearly. The time away provides for a refreshment and clarity to see the big picture and what’s really important in life. Let’s you see those people who are there because they love you not because they want something from you. It’s enlightening in that sense and allows you to return with drive and a renewed energy.
There are a few things that weigh heavily on my heart right now. School thus far has been manageable and every day I learn how to better use my time and prepare for future exams, its been a sort of learning curving and one that’s not been too painful to bear but lessons needed to be learned early on. Then there’s my sis and the situation with her husband who’s been really sick. They are moving forward with a very risky transplant procedure in Oct/Nov. If it works which we believe and pray that it will, then he’ll lead a normal life again! I don’t want to think about if it doesn’t.
The family is gearing up for that major surgery. My parents will be outta pocket for a couple of weeks to be there with my sis, cary, and the nephews. Rightly so. My bro and I will remain in Texas on stand-by if you will: ready to travel up there if needed. I pray and hope that everything goes well not for my sake or even the sake of my family…but for my sister and nephews. They need Cary and even though, heaven forbid, something happens, I know they will be ok…I know they are much better with Cary here. Those boys need their father and I know my sister loves Cary dearly. It goes without saying that we want my sister to be happy and they’ve certainly been through their fair share of rough times.
I need to acknowledge the grace I’ve seen displayed by my sister. For everything they have been through, i've seen my sister remain and continue to remain faithful and steadfast as a wife, mother, sister, daughter, etc. I’ve seen her live out her vows of "in sickness and in health." She’s stepped up to the plate and up to the challenge to do what is best for her family and they have both made hard and painful decisions so early in life. I have no doubts that when Cary pulls through this surgery, they will live a long and blessed life together. Not because they’ve gotten through the worst of situations but because God saw them through and through it all has brought them closer together. No one could understand and appreciate health and participating in daily activities like sitting down to eat a meal better than Cary could or even taking his boys to play in the park.
I hear my oldest nephew talk about his Dada and I can hear in his voice, the love he has for his daddy. Its unwavering, its genuine, and its innocent. Timothy deserves to know his daddy and Cary deserves to see his little boy grow up, my sister deserves to see the boys in her life grow up to be strong men spurred and taught by their daddy.
It is no secret that my bro-in-law and I often clash. My sister says its because we’re so much alike and when she first told me that I thought to myself “oh heck no!” but once I got over myself, I realized she is right. Sure there are things he does that drive me crazy but he deserves my respect for the simple fact that he’s a human being and a child of God.
At the end of the day, I know that he loves my sister and all that he’s done has been in what he feels was in their best interest. They have to live their lives and far be it for me to judge what is right or wrong for them. I’d hope that if I ever were in similar shoes I’d have their unconditional love and support and so that’s what I feel I can best give to them now in this moment…without judgment or condemnation. Love. Because it is patient, it is kind, it does not boast in self, but looks to the interest of others. It is gentle and it endures all things. No greater example exist than the love given to us through Jesus on the cross.
That situation puts my measely drama into perspective and trust me there has been some drama. I have to consider what is really important and the petty dumb stuff doesn’t equate one iota of beans to life and death and eternity. It has an incredible way of bringing humility in the most needed moments and it can draw you out of yourself to see the big picture and what really matters.
So today I encourage you to tell the people you love exactly how you feel about them. Do something special, send them a note, send flowers, do something kind for someone…life is but a vapor and we are here for just a short time. We’re not guaranteed tomorrow and though we may think/feel we are invincible: we have a frailty that is mortal. Like all who have gone before us, physical death will knock on our door at its appointed time for we all are destined to face it. But once having walked through that door, what will we face then? It reminds me to make these moments county and to do nothing out of selfish ambition but to take into account the gifts and blessings given to me not to be held closely but to share selflessly with those around me and those I love.
Hoping that your sat is bright and sunny and that no matter what’s going on in your day or life that you see God’s love.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Saturday, September 12, 2009
what I hope in and for most
It’s much too late but this song is on my mind amongst other things. A lot of realizations and shifting of understandings: it’s miraculous in many ways. I’ve been thinking and praying for one situation in particular. You know that I’m not one to divulge too much in terms of certain subjects. So I approach this one in an abstract aspect but also in an introspective one.
In recent weeks, I’ve seen some people that I care about deeply go through some really difficult situations regarding relationships. Some married, some single…nevertheless when it involves matters of the heart, answers and sometimes what happens in those relationships is not easy to understand or swallow.
Relationships present a new batch of challenges apart from dealing with your own. It’s not just you, you gotta contend with though often times dealing with ourselves is painful and difficult enough. No, throw- in another person who’s thoughts, beliefs, understandings, and perspectives might be sooo very different from your own.
You’re not only in a new situation but now you’re learning about this new person in your life. Their likes, dislikes, pet peeves, where they come from, what they believe, their hopes, their dreams, their greatest failures, and the their greatest achievements. It’s a bit intensive at times but its those small quiet moments when you just are and can just be with that person that pull you through the rough and tumble.
Maybe it’s the anticipation of their phone call or its not till you hear their voice that the excitement bubbles and the butterflies flutter. Whatever it is that excites you about that person, its unique to you and its unique to them. So why is it that some of those relationships work, while others don’t?
Is it that one person wanted it more than the other or maybe that it just wasn’t meant to be (if you believe in fate)? Personally, I believe in destiny and thinkg we sometimes fail to see what we need to see. We’re all looking for love and as Kenny put it, some of us “in all the wrong places.” However, some of us are looking in the right place and still we’ve not yet found “what we’re looking for.”
What is it exactly that we’re looking for?
The love that looks beyond our faults and fights to survive, the kind of love that’s kind and patient graced with understanding and mercy so that despite the obstacles you are facing, it perseveres. Looking at marriages and the world today, its hard to believe that kind of loves still exists.
Call me the hopeless romantic but I believe that it does.
4Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7
It’s so easy to hope and pray for this kind of love but all too often we forget that we get what we give (the principle of reaping what you sow). Do we love in the way we desire to be loved? Do we love this deeply?
Oh but what about the risks you may ask? Yes there are risks. Life, in itself, may be a risk to some. I go back to diving into the deep. The choices are to live life safe and secure never to be hurt -sheltered by our own protective barriers or to trust God to do all of that for us allowing us to leap from the board and dive into the deep dark waters giving all that we can and finding beauty in where we are and what we see.
I was driving out on the highway in West Texas around sunset.
I don’t know if you’ve ever watched or seen a West Texas sunset but it has got to be one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. Definitely one of the more profound ones.
The colors are just amazing and with the barren landscape you can see for miles and miles. The array of colors is incredible and could never be accurately captured by a photor or paiting. Its those sunsets that make me think of my creator.
You may believe or not believe but to me: this is His way of romancing me - romancing us - and showing me that He loves me - showing us that He loves us. I am stirred by moments like those and by nature's beauty in a way that leaves me in bewilderment, awe, and at peace. Its as if He says "its going to be ok" through a sunset or in nature's beauty that quiets my heart and allows me to take a deep breath and let go of what plagues me. Even when a storm brews (literally and figuratively), I know that I’m safe in His hands and that I can trust Him fully in ALL things.
I may not understand fully the things of this life such as why or when life will bring its greatest gifts or its darkest moments. I just know that through it all I’m never alone, never left to face what I cannot bear alone. It’s because of that knowledge that I can dive into the deep and succumb to the waters embraced and enveloped in a cleansing of the heart, soul, and mind. Renewed and embraced in love, I can face those moments in life that make my heart erupt or makes it want to burst. It is what quiets my soul and soothes my heart: letting me know that peace has arrived.
However things may go in this life: what I believe in most is that He will “never give up on me” and because of that “I shall believe.”
"I Shall Believe"
Come to me now
And lay your hands over me
Even if it's a lie
Say it will be alright
And I shall believe
I'm broken in two
And I know you're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe
That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe
And I shall believe
Open the door
And show me your face tonight
I know it's true
No one heals me like you.
And you hold the key
Never again would I turn away from you
I'm so heavy tonight
But your love is alright
And I do believe
That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly
You won't give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe
In recent weeks, I’ve seen some people that I care about deeply go through some really difficult situations regarding relationships. Some married, some single…nevertheless when it involves matters of the heart, answers and sometimes what happens in those relationships is not easy to understand or swallow.
Relationships present a new batch of challenges apart from dealing with your own. It’s not just you, you gotta contend with though often times dealing with ourselves is painful and difficult enough. No, throw- in another person who’s thoughts, beliefs, understandings, and perspectives might be sooo very different from your own.
You’re not only in a new situation but now you’re learning about this new person in your life. Their likes, dislikes, pet peeves, where they come from, what they believe, their hopes, their dreams, their greatest failures, and the their greatest achievements. It’s a bit intensive at times but its those small quiet moments when you just are and can just be with that person that pull you through the rough and tumble.
Maybe it’s the anticipation of their phone call or its not till you hear their voice that the excitement bubbles and the butterflies flutter. Whatever it is that excites you about that person, its unique to you and its unique to them. So why is it that some of those relationships work, while others don’t?
Is it that one person wanted it more than the other or maybe that it just wasn’t meant to be (if you believe in fate)? Personally, I believe in destiny and thinkg we sometimes fail to see what we need to see. We’re all looking for love and as Kenny put it, some of us “in all the wrong places.” However, some of us are looking in the right place and still we’ve not yet found “what we’re looking for.”
What is it exactly that we’re looking for?
The love that looks beyond our faults and fights to survive, the kind of love that’s kind and patient graced with understanding and mercy so that despite the obstacles you are facing, it perseveres. Looking at marriages and the world today, its hard to believe that kind of loves still exists.
Call me the hopeless romantic but I believe that it does.
4Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7
It’s so easy to hope and pray for this kind of love but all too often we forget that we get what we give (the principle of reaping what you sow). Do we love in the way we desire to be loved? Do we love this deeply?
Oh but what about the risks you may ask? Yes there are risks. Life, in itself, may be a risk to some. I go back to diving into the deep. The choices are to live life safe and secure never to be hurt -sheltered by our own protective barriers or to trust God to do all of that for us allowing us to leap from the board and dive into the deep dark waters giving all that we can and finding beauty in where we are and what we see.
I was driving out on the highway in West Texas around sunset.
I don’t know if you’ve ever watched or seen a West Texas sunset but it has got to be one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. Definitely one of the more profound ones.
The colors are just amazing and with the barren landscape you can see for miles and miles. The array of colors is incredible and could never be accurately captured by a photor or paiting. Its those sunsets that make me think of my creator.
You may believe or not believe but to me: this is His way of romancing me - romancing us - and showing me that He loves me - showing us that He loves us. I am stirred by moments like those and by nature's beauty in a way that leaves me in bewilderment, awe, and at peace. Its as if He says "its going to be ok" through a sunset or in nature's beauty that quiets my heart and allows me to take a deep breath and let go of what plagues me. Even when a storm brews (literally and figuratively), I know that I’m safe in His hands and that I can trust Him fully in ALL things.
I may not understand fully the things of this life such as why or when life will bring its greatest gifts or its darkest moments. I just know that through it all I’m never alone, never left to face what I cannot bear alone. It’s because of that knowledge that I can dive into the deep and succumb to the waters embraced and enveloped in a cleansing of the heart, soul, and mind. Renewed and embraced in love, I can face those moments in life that make my heart erupt or makes it want to burst. It is what quiets my soul and soothes my heart: letting me know that peace has arrived.
However things may go in this life: what I believe in most is that He will “never give up on me” and because of that “I shall believe.”
"I Shall Believe"
Come to me now
And lay your hands over me
Even if it's a lie
Say it will be alright
And I shall believe
I'm broken in two
And I know you're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe
That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe
And I shall believe
Open the door
And show me your face tonight
I know it's true
No one heals me like you.
And you hold the key
Never again would I turn away from you
I'm so heavy tonight
But your love is alright
And I do believe
That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly
You won't give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe
realizations
the last couple of weeks have been ... well ... a little hard to put into words. they've had their bright and shining, quiet, bleak and sad moments. to put in terms of reality: that is life, no?
my ipod is on random shuffle so right now Sara Bareilles's "Many the miles" is on. you can check out the lyrics hereL http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/sarabareilles/manythemiles.html .
its so appropriate and i'm not talking literally but figuratively.
the initial part of the move to Lubbock seemed like it would be a walk in the park....oh Jesus help me: I couldn't be more wrong. It's been beautifully painful. Not because of a singular experience or that it hasnt been easy. Relatively speaking, its more like those beautifully painful experiences were ordained for this time and this place. its humbling to say the least but more like being broken. we know that this is a wonderful beautiful but not easy or painless process.
yet that is the junction in the road that I am at. learning new things everyday and truly understanding why i see things a certain way or feel a certain way about stuff. its the next level of growing up or at least that's what I call it. the living situation is nice. i see that my study abroad experiece prepared me for it.
i'm grateful for new relationships and friends and re-kindled friendships. so very thankful for all the prayers and words of encouragement. i'm settling into a sort of routine: a school routine for sure. i've managed to figure out that my cousin, Amy, was 110% correct about golashes. I'm investing in a pair soon and possibly a canoe or raft. It floods like crazy around here. i'm more comfortable about getting around on campus and most especially about which bus goes where and how often. i also feel a little dumb because it took me a few days to figure out that the Student Union Building is what everyone refers to as the SUB. ok that was not rocket science! lol.
this new grad school experience has made me soooo appreciative of my undergrad education. I feel like i definitely got my money's worth and more.
for the most part in any free time i've had, i've tried to partake in some arts and crafts. i didnt bring any of that stuff with me so i had to purchase a new glue gun, but rest assured it will be put to good use! i've been paintining and working on the decor of my new place. gotta say its really peaceful here and i'm sooo happy with the choice made. it's a relief on so many levels as there are soooo many things to think about in this new living situation: things that i really took for granted - i might add. i'm much more keenly aware of my surroundings.
i'm also looking for a job. yes, its time to re-enter the job market. I figured 16 months was too long. i had forgotten just how time consuming it can be! good news is that i do have an interview next week...so i'm praying about it and will go from there.
i've been listening to Sixpence alot lately....and Kari Jobe and Hillsong.
tomorrow is another TTU home game and i'm thrilled! will take a break in the studying for the festivities as my parents will be here. will be interesting for sure. i also visit a new church this sunday: excited about that for sure!
ok so i leave you with, its what's playing...lovely night and wonderful dreams to you all.
"Don't dream its over"
There is freedom within
There is freedom without
Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup
There's a battle ahead
Many battles are lost
But you'll never reach the end of the road
While you're traveling with me
CHORUS:
Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come
To build a wall between us
We know they won't win
Now I'm towing my car
There's a hole in the roof
My possessions are causing me suspicion but there's no proof
In the paper today
Tales of war and of waste
But you turn right over to the TV page
CHORUS
Now I'm walking again
To the beat of a drum
And I'm counting the steps to the door of your heart
Only shadows ahead
Barely clearing the roof
Get to know the feeling of liberation and relief
CHORUS REPEAT UNTIL FADE:
Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
my ipod is on random shuffle so right now Sara Bareilles's "Many the miles" is on. you can check out the lyrics hereL http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/sarabareilles/manythemiles.html .
its so appropriate and i'm not talking literally but figuratively.
the initial part of the move to Lubbock seemed like it would be a walk in the park....oh Jesus help me: I couldn't be more wrong. It's been beautifully painful. Not because of a singular experience or that it hasnt been easy. Relatively speaking, its more like those beautifully painful experiences were ordained for this time and this place. its humbling to say the least but more like being broken. we know that this is a wonderful beautiful but not easy or painless process.
yet that is the junction in the road that I am at. learning new things everyday and truly understanding why i see things a certain way or feel a certain way about stuff. its the next level of growing up or at least that's what I call it. the living situation is nice. i see that my study abroad experiece prepared me for it.
i'm grateful for new relationships and friends and re-kindled friendships. so very thankful for all the prayers and words of encouragement. i'm settling into a sort of routine: a school routine for sure. i've managed to figure out that my cousin, Amy, was 110% correct about golashes. I'm investing in a pair soon and possibly a canoe or raft. It floods like crazy around here. i'm more comfortable about getting around on campus and most especially about which bus goes where and how often. i also feel a little dumb because it took me a few days to figure out that the Student Union Building is what everyone refers to as the SUB. ok that was not rocket science! lol.
this new grad school experience has made me soooo appreciative of my undergrad education. I feel like i definitely got my money's worth and more.
for the most part in any free time i've had, i've tried to partake in some arts and crafts. i didnt bring any of that stuff with me so i had to purchase a new glue gun, but rest assured it will be put to good use! i've been paintining and working on the decor of my new place. gotta say its really peaceful here and i'm sooo happy with the choice made. it's a relief on so many levels as there are soooo many things to think about in this new living situation: things that i really took for granted - i might add. i'm much more keenly aware of my surroundings.
i'm also looking for a job. yes, its time to re-enter the job market. I figured 16 months was too long. i had forgotten just how time consuming it can be! good news is that i do have an interview next week...so i'm praying about it and will go from there.
i've been listening to Sixpence alot lately....and Kari Jobe and Hillsong.
tomorrow is another TTU home game and i'm thrilled! will take a break in the studying for the festivities as my parents will be here. will be interesting for sure. i also visit a new church this sunday: excited about that for sure!
ok so i leave you with, its what's playing...lovely night and wonderful dreams to you all.
"Don't dream its over"
There is freedom within
There is freedom without
Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup
There's a battle ahead
Many battles are lost
But you'll never reach the end of the road
While you're traveling with me
CHORUS:
Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come
To build a wall between us
We know they won't win
Now I'm towing my car
There's a hole in the roof
My possessions are causing me suspicion but there's no proof
In the paper today
Tales of war and of waste
But you turn right over to the TV page
CHORUS
Now I'm walking again
To the beat of a drum
And I'm counting the steps to the door of your heart
Only shadows ahead
Barely clearing the roof
Get to know the feeling of liberation and relief
CHORUS REPEAT UNTIL FADE:
Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
hard to explain
i've been on this sheryl crow/hillson/kari jobe sort of musical kick. most notably i just got through watching "I still believe" I've included the link in case you want to check it out. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydE32Z_I0TY
That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time
I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe
And I shall believe
it made me think about lofty ideals and then it got me wondering about this term "lofty ideal."
so i looked up lofty and here's what webster had to say about it.
1 a : elevated in character and spirit : noble b : elevated in status : superior2 : having a haughty overbearing manner : supercilious3 a : rising to a great height : impressively high b : remote, esoteric4 : having full-bodied, firm, and resilient textile fibers
i looked up idea and again here's what webster has to say about it:
1 : existing as an archetypal idea2 a : existing as a mental image or in fancy or imagination only; broadly : lacking practicality b : relating to or constituting mental images, ideas, or conceptions3 a : of, relating to, or embodying an ideal b : conforming exactly to an ideal, law, or standard : perfect — compare real 2b(3) 2b(3)4 : of or relating to philosophical idealism
so a lofty ideal is basically an existing mental image or imagination only lacking practicality that is elevated in spirit and character? i can see why lofty ideals receive such negative connotations.
i know you're probably asking what is up with the contemplative word usage? lol. oh if you only knew. i see people around me hurting as a result of "lofty ideals" which are not their own. life does not always hand us the deck of cards we hope for, nor does it unfold exactly as we wish.
there are those who say "if its mean to be it will be" as they passive sit by and wait for a grand epiphany to reveal itself. then there are those who actively seek to find an answer. if you're a believer then you know that when you seek God Jeremiah 29:13 says "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." it can't be some half-hearted search.
i can only say from my own experiences that answers dont always come in the form we expect or anticipate. sometimes what we really need to adjust is our expectations. in the last few months, i've been privy to learn some valuable lessons in relationships with the people i love so dear and even those that drive me crazy. they've been welcomed lessons and in alot of ways my views and heart has made a dramatic shift. the risk of loving others is that they may not love you back in the same way. its not an easy thought to accept or to think about.
That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time
I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly
You won't give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe
isnt that what we all want. the relationship where the other says "i won't give up on you." we live in a day and age where generations are so focused on self and what i can gain, what I can receive, what you can give to me and do for me. it's sad. because love is not about self...it is selfless. it thinks of the other and places their needs, wants, and desires before it's own. that is what i shall believe in. i know exist because there's one who sacrificed His only son so that I could have a relationship with Him. i'm eternally grateful for that and continue to learn more what that love looks like everyday.
its not been an easy journey...well, actually yes it was once i laid my own pride aside and acknowledged that i know very little indeed. like today's bus ride to no where. yes i hopped on a bus and ended up clear across the other side of town. i sat a bit dumb-founded but at the same time i have to say it was a bit of an adventure as well. so i get back to where i started and realize that there was something learned from that excursion. no risk, no reward. it made me think about encumbrances and what would keep me from asking "Where does this bus go to?" pride....plain and simple. i could've avoided it if i had asked someone "where does this bus go to?" but it is a lesson well learned and next time i will ask.
there are lots of things in this life that i know nothing about. but at the end of the day, i hope to run this race and run it well. working on laying aside the "weights" cause no matter the outcomes of any of the situations i'm in, the only place to be is in God's perfect will.
Hebrews 12:1
1Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,
That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time
I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe
And I shall believe
it made me think about lofty ideals and then it got me wondering about this term "lofty ideal."
so i looked up lofty and here's what webster had to say about it.
1 a : elevated in character and spirit : noble
i looked up idea and again here's what webster has to say about it:
1 : existing as an archetypal idea2 a : existing as a mental image or in fancy or imagination only; broadly : lacking practicality b : relating to or constituting mental images, ideas, or conceptions3 a : of, relating to, or embodying an ideal
so a lofty ideal is basically an existing mental image or imagination only lacking practicality that is elevated in spirit and character? i can see why lofty ideals receive such negative connotations.
i know you're probably asking what is up with the contemplative word usage? lol. oh if you only knew. i see people around me hurting as a result of "lofty ideals" which are not their own. life does not always hand us the deck of cards we hope for, nor does it unfold exactly as we wish.
there are those who say "if its mean to be it will be" as they passive sit by and wait for a grand epiphany to reveal itself. then there are those who actively seek to find an answer. if you're a believer then you know that when you seek God Jeremiah 29:13 says "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." it can't be some half-hearted search.
i can only say from my own experiences that answers dont always come in the form we expect or anticipate. sometimes what we really need to adjust is our expectations. in the last few months, i've been privy to learn some valuable lessons in relationships with the people i love so dear and even those that drive me crazy. they've been welcomed lessons and in alot of ways my views and heart has made a dramatic shift. the risk of loving others is that they may not love you back in the same way. its not an easy thought to accept or to think about.
That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time
I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly
You won't give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe
isnt that what we all want. the relationship where the other says "i won't give up on you." we live in a day and age where generations are so focused on self and what i can gain, what I can receive, what you can give to me and do for me. it's sad. because love is not about self...it is selfless. it thinks of the other and places their needs, wants, and desires before it's own. that is what i shall believe in. i know exist because there's one who sacrificed His only son so that I could have a relationship with Him. i'm eternally grateful for that and continue to learn more what that love looks like everyday.
its not been an easy journey...well, actually yes it was once i laid my own pride aside and acknowledged that i know very little indeed. like today's bus ride to no where. yes i hopped on a bus and ended up clear across the other side of town. i sat a bit dumb-founded but at the same time i have to say it was a bit of an adventure as well. so i get back to where i started and realize that there was something learned from that excursion. no risk, no reward. it made me think about encumbrances and what would keep me from asking "Where does this bus go to?" pride....plain and simple. i could've avoided it if i had asked someone "where does this bus go to?" but it is a lesson well learned and next time i will ask.
there are lots of things in this life that i know nothing about. but at the end of the day, i hope to run this race and run it well. working on laying aside the "weights" cause no matter the outcomes of any of the situations i'm in, the only place to be is in God's perfect will.
Hebrews 12:1
1Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,
Thursday, August 27, 2009
ipods and alarms
i'm finally starting to settle in to the new place.
the last few weeks have been hectic with grad school orientation. while i wasnt looking forward to any of it, i can say that I see the benefits behind it. i'm even glad that it was required because at the very least i got to know some of my classmates. i definitely feel more connected to the community of MBA grad students here.
a few months ago, i could never have imagined that life would look like it does now. its interesting and so completely different than i expected. different in a good way but just adjusting to so many changes and making so many important decisions. making life changing decisions is never easy but i can say that i have peace about so many things happening right now.
life is a day by day adventure.
today's adventure was a bit painful cause of something going on with my left eye. it was not fun...but i'm glad to say that i'm better. talked with my sis, the pharmacist, and she super hooked me up with some recommendations. so i'm doing better.
also thanks to my best friend, Smange. i'm hooked on a miley cyrus song - which is crazy funny! i'm out for "party in the USA!" i just gotta say sometimes you need to be silly and crazy...makes life so much more interesting.
in the clouds....
the last few weeks have been hectic with grad school orientation. while i wasnt looking forward to any of it, i can say that I see the benefits behind it. i'm even glad that it was required because at the very least i got to know some of my classmates. i definitely feel more connected to the community of MBA grad students here.
a few months ago, i could never have imagined that life would look like it does now. its interesting and so completely different than i expected. different in a good way but just adjusting to so many changes and making so many important decisions. making life changing decisions is never easy but i can say that i have peace about so many things happening right now.
life is a day by day adventure.
today's adventure was a bit painful cause of something going on with my left eye. it was not fun...but i'm glad to say that i'm better. talked with my sis, the pharmacist, and she super hooked me up with some recommendations. so i'm doing better.
also thanks to my best friend, Smange. i'm hooked on a miley cyrus song - which is crazy funny! i'm out for "party in the USA!" i just gotta say sometimes you need to be silly and crazy...makes life so much more interesting.
in the clouds....
Friday, August 14, 2009
quietness of heart
(I wrote this portion a few days ago)
it is a quiet overcast, beautiful day here in west texas.
hard to believe that i'm here. that finally..i've arrived to this point. achieving my undergrad work was such a long hard road that i often wondered "will i ever get there?" of course, i knew the answer to that and knew that God would definitely see me through. it's amazing to look back on the road and to see the progression from two years ago. they seem so far away (the years).
time is no respector of age, race, or position. it moves forward regardless of the circumstances regardless of where we may be or how we may feel. so there is no wonder that yes i am here now just alot of amazement and wonder.
so many things happening in my life right now and sooo many changes. i'd felt a little overwhelmed but that seems to have subsided. i'm not one to lay down in the face of a challenge and as always God has awakened an inner strength that i sometimes forget i possess...not because of me but because of who He is and who He has been in my life. i've also remembered that all my crazy life experiences and hardships have not been without reason. i dont hold on to those experiences in the same way but have allowed them to bring lessons i so very much need in these next few weeks.
there are many decisions to be made from what colors should i use in decorating my new home to what should my concentration be. i sometimes feel my head spins with so many decisions to make but i quickly bring that into a surrender and allow my heart to be quieted by God's gentleness. its been good, very good.
i'm waiting for my parents to arrive with my furniture. pretty excited about that since the place looks pretty bare at this point.
(written 08/16/09)
amazing how your perspective and view can change so suddenly. i'd been grappling with alot of decisions that need to be made pretty quickly. instead of going into a tizzy, i quieted my heart and listened. i've always trusted God to lead me in the right direction but over the course of a crazy summer i'd lost my way in that trust. with alot of moments to myself in these last few days, i've been found and am embarking on a familar road once again.
it is a quiet overcast, beautiful day here in west texas.
hard to believe that i'm here. that finally..i've arrived to this point. achieving my undergrad work was such a long hard road that i often wondered "will i ever get there?" of course, i knew the answer to that and knew that God would definitely see me through. it's amazing to look back on the road and to see the progression from two years ago. they seem so far away (the years).
time is no respector of age, race, or position. it moves forward regardless of the circumstances regardless of where we may be or how we may feel. so there is no wonder that yes i am here now just alot of amazement and wonder.
so many things happening in my life right now and sooo many changes. i'd felt a little overwhelmed but that seems to have subsided. i'm not one to lay down in the face of a challenge and as always God has awakened an inner strength that i sometimes forget i possess...not because of me but because of who He is and who He has been in my life. i've also remembered that all my crazy life experiences and hardships have not been without reason. i dont hold on to those experiences in the same way but have allowed them to bring lessons i so very much need in these next few weeks.
there are many decisions to be made from what colors should i use in decorating my new home to what should my concentration be. i sometimes feel my head spins with so many decisions to make but i quickly bring that into a surrender and allow my heart to be quieted by God's gentleness. its been good, very good.
i'm waiting for my parents to arrive with my furniture. pretty excited about that since the place looks pretty bare at this point.
(written 08/16/09)
amazing how your perspective and view can change so suddenly. i'd been grappling with alot of decisions that need to be made pretty quickly. instead of going into a tizzy, i quieted my heart and listened. i've always trusted God to lead me in the right direction but over the course of a crazy summer i'd lost my way in that trust. with alot of moments to myself in these last few days, i've been found and am embarking on a familar road once again.
there are things that are different about this time around and so naturally some things will change. i was reminded of all the promises God has given us and in the right moment, heard what I needed to hear. i'm not anxious, not worried, not even occuppied by any of it but instead find myself in rest. its beautiful and amazing. i know there will be many tough moments to come. God never promised life would be easy and that i will be put to the test but I rest assured in whom i can turn to and trust. God is always faithful and through the course of my life HE has never ever left me. That i know to the core of my soul and spirit.
grad school orientation was very interesting and i'm pretty excited about this coming year. not sure what all it will bring but i know that I am here with reason and purpose and not for the ones i may have previously thought.
i've also come to realize just how blessed I am to have the parents I have. I mean who would load all my stuff, bring to my apt, unload it, and start to unpack it for you other than a paid mover? that's exactly what my parents did so that I could focus on orientation and other matters. i know they love me and know our relationship is evolving which is an awesome thing to see. i'm also glad to be close to my bro. should be interesting to see how that plays out but we always have a good time together.
alright so this is the song that's been prevalent in my life these last few days. something from Bethany Dillon.
"All I Need"
When the day is done
And there's no one else around
While I'm lying here in bed
You're in my heart, You're in my head
You're all I need, You're all I need
There are a million voices
Calling out my name
But You're the One I want to hear
So make the others disappear
You are all I need when I'm surrounded
You are all I need if I'm by myself
You fill me when I'm empty
There is nothing else
You're all I need
When the morning comes
And Your mercy is renewed
There's a fire in my bones
I'm not afraid to go alone
You're all I need You're all I need
The sun on my face I hear
You whisper loud
You're still the God that opens seas
Every flower, even me
You're all I need You're all I need
I'm drawn to everything that You do
Nothing compares with You
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
transitory
Thank you so much to everyone who posted comments, sent text messages, emailed, or phoned to wish Happy Bday wishes! I had such an incredible day and definitely felt the love! Many blessings to all of you for thinking of me! I praise God for another year of life and look forward to the work of His hand as I transition into a new place in life in the coming year!
Transition - the topic of today's blogs.First, I realize i've not posted in a while. my apologies. new situations in life have required my time and attention. some of the new turns in the road are not ones i wish to discuss publicly so please forgive me. these last few weeks have been a bit whirlwind. i cant say enough how grateful i am to those of you, who have shared your lives with me in these last few weeks. i know we all live in various places and its been such a blessing to visit with so many of you and hear what is happening in your lives. i feel honored and privileged to share those moments with you.
so many of you know that i am beginning anew in a new town, a new home, a new school...while i'm no doubtedly excited, its been an interesting transition into this new place. the transition is not over by any means but i'm excited for what's to come. i place my full trust in God to pave the way and make clear the next few steps in life. i have no clue as to exactly where it will lead me but i know that in the end it will be for a greater good.
i've thought alot about the word transition. going from one place to another. what unique time in life? i've been reminded by numerous peoples in my life about what a great opportunity this is. i couldnt agree more. it is in so many ways a fresh start: a chance to seek, explore, and grow. there are a couple of aspects of this transition that sometimes makes me nervous but God is faithful to remind me of who He is and exactly what He provides. its been bittersweet.
i've written about the inevitability of change and the fact that i've known it's been coming for some time. It isnt until it fully arrives that you truly know if you're ready to walk in it. i've always said i wanted to live in the deep and not reside in the kiddie pool. so regardless of any apprehensions or fears, i just have to dive in and fully immerse myself in the experience. i'd rather live life with no regrets having tried than to wonder "what if." its that "fight the good fight" that i'm most grateful for.
i'm working diligently to finish the packing. its been a good experience and good to purge stuff i soooo do not need. in alot of ways, its been liberating to fully let the past go and forge ahead with a bright promising road ahead.
thanks so much for all your prayers and thoughts!
i leave you with the lyrics from a Watermark song "More Than You'll Ever Know"
truly this is how I feel about so many of you in my life! many blessings and the next post will come after the move!
Something brought you to my mind today
I thought about the funny ways you make me laugh
And yet I feel like it's okay to cry with you
Something about just being with you
When I leave I feel like I've been near God
And that's the way it ought to be...
CHORUS:
'Cause you've been more than a friend to me
You fight off my enemies
'Cause you've spoken the Truth over my life
And you'll never know what it means to me
Just to know you've been on your knees for me
Oh, you have blessed my life
More than you'll ever know, yeah, yeah, yeah
More than you'll ever know, yeah, yeah, yeah
You had faith, when I had none
You prayed God would bring me a brand new song
When I didn't think I could find the strength to sing
And all the while I'm hoping that I'll
Do the kind of praying for you that you've done for me
And that's the way it ought to be...
You have carried me
You have taken upon a bruden that wasn't your own
And may the blessing return to you
A hundredfold, oh yeah...
A hundredfold, oh yeah...
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Prayer Request
Just heard from my sister.
Cary had a J tube inserted now giving him both a G-J tube. He was having a flare up when my sister took him to the hospital yesterday but managed to make it through the procedure well. My sis is not sure if he's going to wake up in alot of pain due to the flare up though he will have discomfort from the new tube.
Here's what they can expect:
He will do the tube feeding for as long as his colon will allow. They are hoping for at least a year and then after that fails, he'll do iv nutrition and then will be considered for a transplant.
They're hoping that not eating will make his pancreas think its doesnt need to work and will give it some rest to prevent any more damage.
He's lost a tremendous amount of weight and is a bit malnourished which is why they went ahead with the feeding tube. The next step is to get him to gain some weight.
I'm not sure how much longer he will be hospitalized.
Just pray for continued strength, peace, and comfort for my sister and her family. Pray for healing for my bro-in-law and wisdom to the Dr's in who's care he is in. Also, I can't go into details but there's been some drama for my sis lately where there should be support and love. We're doing our best to love them, pray for them, and support them from afar. Its just not possible for us to be there with them. Makes it hard on my parents who love them so much and so very much want to be there. Unfortunately responsiblities tie them here and in the long wrong I feel they will prove to be more helpful.
We are so very thank for families like the Thatchers who are currently keeping the boys while my sister is with Cary in Indianapolis.
blessings always...
It's only what you're asking for
oooo what a day.
the plans for the family vacay or off the charts. as always, some arrangements have been left to the last minute. i guess that's what makes us mexican? lol. not sure how this thing is gonna go down, but i will say that i'm determined to have a super great time.
a few frustrations on my plate and i just gotta get it out there and as far away from me as possible! Lol. i have quite a few decisions to make regarding a potential job and going to school not full-time but part-time. this is a smart route to go but it has potential consequences in the long haul.
i don't want to be rash and end up tying myself to something i dont want to be tied to!
my bro-in-law is back to the hospital as well. quite possibly, he'll have a j-tube but he's had some complications with the g-tube so not sure if that's going to happen. concerned for my sis, missing them, and just feeling a bit helpless.
it also makes me feel quilty that here she is going through this tough time and i'm off vacationing. causing alot of mixed emotions and i'm not quite sure what to do with them. just continuing to pray for her and that situation.
i did make an attempt at packing for the move but have not been very successful. tomorrow i pack and head to san antonio. vertical horizon will be the soundtrack for that leg of the trip. i know you may think, why that album? so many reasons. listening to it now and it takes me back down memory lane! i think its good to reflect on where you've been and where you've come from. there seems to be quite a bit of that going on.
i also realized there's a slew of stuff i need to buy for the new apt. i'd given most of my stuff away to my siblings when i moved back to west texas soooo long ago. didnt find most of what i had as necessary. it is now necessary!
new beginnings...they're beautiful. reading before going to sleep. not sure what to expect of this trip (aye!)...just hoping and praying it goes well.
finishin up arrangements for lubbock, a job, and school. its daunting and sometimes a bit intimidating...but what needs to be done must be done.
forging ahead with an attempt of fierceness.
the plans for the family vacay or off the charts. as always, some arrangements have been left to the last minute. i guess that's what makes us mexican? lol. not sure how this thing is gonna go down, but i will say that i'm determined to have a super great time.
a few frustrations on my plate and i just gotta get it out there and as far away from me as possible! Lol. i have quite a few decisions to make regarding a potential job and going to school not full-time but part-time. this is a smart route to go but it has potential consequences in the long haul.
i don't want to be rash and end up tying myself to something i dont want to be tied to!
my bro-in-law is back to the hospital as well. quite possibly, he'll have a j-tube but he's had some complications with the g-tube so not sure if that's going to happen. concerned for my sis, missing them, and just feeling a bit helpless.
it also makes me feel quilty that here she is going through this tough time and i'm off vacationing. causing alot of mixed emotions and i'm not quite sure what to do with them. just continuing to pray for her and that situation.
i did make an attempt at packing for the move but have not been very successful. tomorrow i pack and head to san antonio. vertical horizon will be the soundtrack for that leg of the trip. i know you may think, why that album? so many reasons. listening to it now and it takes me back down memory lane! i think its good to reflect on where you've been and where you've come from. there seems to be quite a bit of that going on.
i also realized there's a slew of stuff i need to buy for the new apt. i'd given most of my stuff away to my siblings when i moved back to west texas soooo long ago. didnt find most of what i had as necessary. it is now necessary!
new beginnings...they're beautiful. reading before going to sleep. not sure what to expect of this trip (aye!)...just hoping and praying it goes well.
finishin up arrangements for lubbock, a job, and school. its daunting and sometimes a bit intimidating...but what needs to be done must be done.
forging ahead with an attempt of fierceness.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
what makes me happy
i'm getting an oil change at a new spot this time. meant to have it done at the dealership in LBK. having the one here do it is not an option.
so this oil change comes w/a car wash which is nice cause i've been rollin around in a krusty whip! anyhow...nastiness is not good...clean and shiny is!
so this new spot is pretty swanky. ok and I just found out/reaffirmed why I don't take it to the dealership here that is supposed to do routine maintenance. everytime I take it in at the major mile markers all those krusty boneheads tell me is "oh it just needs an oil change."
I may be a girl but i'm not stupid. this is why I hate dealing w/my vehicle and usually leave it to my dad to deal with. but this is my move towards independence not out of a desire for but in a necessity to. my dad can't drive 3 hrs to take my car in for service. so I put on my big girl pants and did it myself.
at least the guy servicing my car has treated me fairly...so thank u mr. frank. ur kind and gracious service is much appreciated.
I head to san antonio for the last of the travels (@ least 4 a while). working on packing still! but excited to see friends.
I had an interview yesterday. felt it went well and will have to wait until next week before finding anything out.
life is surely bittersweet right now. so excited and kinda nervous bout a few things like moving and starting my mba so many great things happening. but @ the same time a lot of tragedies and tough circumstances too. I really do trust that things will work out as they should.
lookin forward to time w/the fam and w/good friends. there's great comfort in the fellowship of those who truely know you and love you.
i'l spend the rest of the day taking care of school work and packing. the story of my life according to some.
hopin the best for your week.
as always...
maybe, i'll see you on the road!
so this oil change comes w/a car wash which is nice cause i've been rollin around in a krusty whip! anyhow...nastiness is not good...clean and shiny is!
so this new spot is pretty swanky. ok and I just found out/reaffirmed why I don't take it to the dealership here that is supposed to do routine maintenance. everytime I take it in at the major mile markers all those krusty boneheads tell me is "oh it just needs an oil change."
I may be a girl but i'm not stupid. this is why I hate dealing w/my vehicle and usually leave it to my dad to deal with. but this is my move towards independence not out of a desire for but in a necessity to. my dad can't drive 3 hrs to take my car in for service. so I put on my big girl pants and did it myself.
at least the guy servicing my car has treated me fairly...so thank u mr. frank. ur kind and gracious service is much appreciated.
I head to san antonio for the last of the travels (@ least 4 a while). working on packing still! but excited to see friends.
I had an interview yesterday. felt it went well and will have to wait until next week before finding anything out.
life is surely bittersweet right now. so excited and kinda nervous bout a few things like moving and starting my mba so many great things happening. but @ the same time a lot of tragedies and tough circumstances too. I really do trust that things will work out as they should.
lookin forward to time w/the fam and w/good friends. there's great comfort in the fellowship of those who truely know you and love you.
i'l spend the rest of the day taking care of school work and packing. the story of my life according to some.
hopin the best for your week.
as always...
maybe, i'll see you on the road!
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