realizations

the last couple of weeks have been ... well ... a little hard to put into words. they've had their bright and shining, quiet, bleak and sad moments. to put in terms of reality: that is life, no?

my ipod is on random shuffle so right now Sara Bareilles's "Many the miles" is on. you can check out the lyrics hereL http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/sarabareilles/manythemiles.html .

its so appropriate and i'm not talking literally but figuratively.

the initial part of the move to Lubbock seemed like it would be a walk in the park....oh Jesus help me: I couldn't be more wrong. It's been beautifully painful. Not because of a singular experience or that it hasnt been easy. Relatively speaking, its more like those beautifully painful experiences were ordained for this time and this place. its humbling to say the least but more like being broken. we know that this is a wonderful beautiful but not easy or painless process.

yet that is the junction in the road that I am at. learning new things everyday and truly understanding why i see things a certain way or feel a certain way about stuff. its the next level of growing up or at least that's what I call it. the living situation is nice. i see that my study abroad experiece prepared me for it.

i'm grateful for new relationships and friends and re-kindled friendships. so very thankful for all the prayers and words of encouragement. i'm settling into a sort of routine: a school routine for sure. i've managed to figure out that my cousin, Amy, was 110% correct about golashes. I'm investing in a pair soon and possibly a canoe or raft. It floods like crazy around here. i'm more comfortable about getting around on campus and most especially about which bus goes where and how often. i also feel a little dumb because it took me a few days to figure out that the Student Union Building is what everyone refers to as the SUB. ok that was not rocket science! lol.

this new grad school experience has made me soooo appreciative of my undergrad education. I feel like i definitely got my money's worth and more.

for the most part in any free time i've had, i've tried to partake in some arts and crafts. i didnt bring any of that stuff with me so i had to purchase a new glue gun, but rest assured it will be put to good use! i've been paintining and working on the decor of my new place. gotta say its really peaceful here and i'm sooo happy with the choice made. it's a relief on so many levels as there are soooo many things to think about in this new living situation: things that i really took for granted - i might add. i'm much more keenly aware of my surroundings.

i'm also looking for a job. yes, its time to re-enter the job market. I figured 16 months was too long. i had forgotten just how time consuming it can be! good news is that i do have an interview next week...so i'm praying about it and will go from there.

i've been listening to Sixpence alot lately....and Kari Jobe and Hillsong.

tomorrow is another TTU home game and i'm thrilled! will take a break in the studying for the festivities as my parents will be here. will be interesting for sure. i also visit a new church this sunday: excited about that for sure!

ok so i leave you with, its what's playing...lovely night and wonderful dreams to you all.

"Don't dream its over"

There is freedom within
There is freedom without
Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup
There's a battle ahead
Many battles are lost
But you'll never reach the end of the road
While you're traveling with me

CHORUS:
Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come
To build a wall between us
We know they won't win

Now I'm towing my car
There's a hole in the roof
My possessions are causing me suspicion but there's no proof
In the paper today
Tales of war and of waste
But you turn right over to the TV page

CHORUS
Now I'm walking again
To the beat of a drum
And I'm counting the steps to the door of your heart
Only shadows ahead
Barely clearing the roof
Get to know the feeling of liberation and relief

CHORUS REPEAT UNTIL FADE:
Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in

hard to explain

i've been on this sheryl crow/hillson/kari jobe sort of musical kick. most notably i just got through watching "I still believe" I've included the link in case you want to check it out. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydE32Z_I0TY

That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time
I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe
And I shall believe

it made me think about lofty ideals and then it got me wondering about this term "lofty ideal."
so i looked up lofty and here's what webster had to say about it.

1 a : elevated in character and spirit : noble b : elevated in status : superior2 : having a haughty overbearing manner : supercilious3 a : rising to a great height : impressively high b : remote, esoteric4 : having full-bodied, firm, and resilient textile fibers

i looked up idea and again here's what webster has to say about it:

1 : existing as an archetypal idea2 a : existing as a mental image or in fancy or imagination only; broadly : lacking practicality b : relating to or constituting mental images, ideas, or conceptions3 a : of, relating to, or embodying an ideal b : conforming exactly to an ideal, law, or standard : perfect — compare real 2b(3) 2b(3)4 : of or relating to philosophical idealism

so a lofty ideal is basically an existing mental image or imagination only lacking practicality that is elevated in spirit and character? i can see why lofty ideals receive such negative connotations.

i know you're probably asking what is up with the contemplative word usage? lol. oh if you only knew. i see people around me hurting as a result of "lofty ideals" which are not their own. life does not always hand us the deck of cards we hope for, nor does it unfold exactly as we wish.

there are those who say "if its mean to be it will be" as they passive sit by and wait for a grand epiphany to reveal itself. then there are those who actively seek to find an answer. if you're a believer then you know that when you seek God Jeremiah 29:13 says "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." it can't be some half-hearted search.

i can only say from my own experiences that answers dont always come in the form we expect or anticipate. sometimes what we really need to adjust is our expectations. in the last few months, i've been privy to learn some valuable lessons in relationships with the people i love so dear and even those that drive me crazy. they've been welcomed lessons and in alot of ways my views and heart has made a dramatic shift. the risk of loving others is that they may not love you back in the same way. its not an easy thought to accept or to think about.

That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time
I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly
You won't give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe

isnt that what we all want. the relationship where the other says "i won't give up on you." we live in a day and age where generations are so focused on self and what i can gain, what I can receive, what you can give to me and do for me. it's sad. because love is not about self...it is selfless. it thinks of the other and places their needs, wants, and desires before it's own. that is what i shall believe in. i know exist because there's one who sacrificed His only son so that I could have a relationship with Him. i'm eternally grateful for that and continue to learn more what that love looks like everyday.

its not been an easy journey...well, actually yes it was once i laid my own pride aside and acknowledged that i know very little indeed. like today's bus ride to no where. yes i hopped on a bus and ended up clear across the other side of town. i sat a bit dumb-founded but at the same time i have to say it was a bit of an adventure as well. so i get back to where i started and realize that there was something learned from that excursion. no risk, no reward. it made me think about encumbrances and what would keep me from asking "Where does this bus go to?" pride....plain and simple. i could've avoided it if i had asked someone "where does this bus go to?" but it is a lesson well learned and next time i will ask.

there are lots of things in this life that i know nothing about. but at the end of the day, i hope to run this race and run it well. working on laying aside the "weights" cause no matter the outcomes of any of the situations i'm in, the only place to be is in God's perfect will.

Hebrews 12:1
1Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,

ipods and alarms

i'm finally starting to settle in to the new place.

the last few weeks have been hectic with grad school orientation. while i wasnt looking forward to any of it, i can say that I see the benefits behind it. i'm even glad that it was required because at the very least i got to know some of my classmates. i definitely feel more connected to the community of MBA grad students here.

a few months ago, i could never have imagined that life would look like it does now. its interesting and so completely different than i expected. different in a good way but just adjusting to so many changes and making so many important decisions. making life changing decisions is never easy but i can say that i have peace about so many things happening right now.

life is a day by day adventure.

today's adventure was a bit painful cause of something going on with my left eye. it was not fun...but i'm glad to say that i'm better. talked with my sis, the pharmacist, and she super hooked me up with some recommendations. so i'm doing better.

also thanks to my best friend, Smange. i'm hooked on a miley cyrus song - which is crazy funny! i'm out for "party in the USA!" i just gotta say sometimes you need to be silly and crazy...makes life so much more interesting.

in the clouds....

quietness of heart

(I wrote this portion a few days ago)

it is a quiet overcast, beautiful day here in west texas.

hard to believe that i'm here. that finally..i've arrived to this point. achieving my undergrad work was such a long hard road that i often wondered "will i ever get there?" of course, i knew the answer to that and knew that God would definitely see me through. it's amazing to look back on the road and to see the progression from two years ago. they seem so far away (the years).

time is no respector of age, race, or position. it moves forward regardless of the circumstances regardless of where we may be or how we may feel. so there is no wonder that yes i am here now just alot of amazement and wonder.

so many things happening in my life right now and sooo many changes. i'd felt a little overwhelmed but that seems to have subsided. i'm not one to lay down in the face of a challenge and as always God has awakened an inner strength that i sometimes forget i possess...not because of me but because of who He is and who He has been in my life. i've also remembered that all my crazy life experiences and hardships have not been without reason. i dont hold on to those experiences in the same way but have allowed them to bring lessons i so very much need in these next few weeks.

there are many decisions to be made from what colors should i use in decorating my new home to what should my concentration be. i sometimes feel my head spins with so many decisions to make but i quickly bring that into a surrender and allow my heart to be quieted by God's gentleness. its been good, very good.

i'm waiting for my parents to arrive with my furniture. pretty excited about that since the place looks pretty bare at this point.

(written 08/16/09)

amazing how your perspective and view can change so suddenly. i'd been grappling with alot of decisions that need to be made pretty quickly. instead of going into a tizzy, i quieted my heart and listened. i've always trusted God to lead me in the right direction but over the course of a crazy summer i'd lost my way in that trust. with alot of moments to myself in these last few days, i've been found and am embarking on a familar road once again.

there are things that are different about this time around and so naturally some things will change. i was reminded of all the promises God has given us and in the right moment, heard what I needed to hear. i'm not anxious, not worried, not even occuppied by any of it but instead find myself in rest. its beautiful and amazing. i know there will be many tough moments to come. God never promised life would be easy and that i will be put to the test but I rest assured in whom i can turn to and trust. God is always faithful and through the course of my life HE has never ever left me. That i know to the core of my soul and spirit.

grad school orientation was very interesting and i'm pretty excited about this coming year. not sure what all it will bring but i know that I am here with reason and purpose and not for the ones i may have previously thought.

i've also come to realize just how blessed I am to have the parents I have. I mean who would load all my stuff, bring to my apt, unload it, and start to unpack it for you other than a paid mover? that's exactly what my parents did so that I could focus on orientation and other matters. i know they love me and know our relationship is evolving which is an awesome thing to see. i'm also glad to be close to my bro. should be interesting to see how that plays out but we always have a good time together.

alright so this is the song that's been prevalent in my life these last few days. something from Bethany Dillon.

"All I Need"

When the day is done
And there's no one else around
While I'm lying here in bed
You're in my heart, You're in my head
You're all I need, You're all I need

There are a million voices
Calling out my name
But You're the One I want to hear
So make the others disappear

You are all I need when I'm surrounded
You are all I need if I'm by myself
You fill me when I'm empty
There is nothing else
You're all I need

When the morning comes
And Your mercy is renewed
There's a fire in my bones
I'm not afraid to go alone
You're all I need You're all I need

The sun on my face I hear
You whisper loud
You're still the God that opens seas
Every flower, even me
You're all I need You're all I need
I'm drawn to everything that You do
Nothing compares with You

transitory

Thank you so much to everyone who posted comments, sent text messages, emailed, or phoned to wish Happy Bday wishes! I had such an incredible day and definitely felt the love! Many blessings to all of you for thinking of me! I praise God for another year of life and look forward to the work of His hand as I transition into a new place in life in the coming year!

Transition - the topic of today's blogs.

First, I realize i've not posted in a while. my apologies. new situations in life have required my time and attention. some of the new turns in the road are not ones i wish to discuss publicly so please forgive me. these last few weeks have been a bit whirlwind. i cant say enough how grateful i am to those of you, who have shared your lives with me in these last few weeks. i know we all live in various places and its been such a blessing to visit with so many of you and hear what is happening in your lives. i feel honored and privileged to share those moments with you.

so many of you know that i am beginning anew in a new town, a new home, a new school...while i'm no doubtedly excited, its been an interesting transition into this new place. the transition is not over by any means but i'm excited for what's to come. i place my full trust in God to pave the way and make clear the next few steps in life. i have no clue as to exactly where it will lead me but i know that in the end it will be for a greater good.

i've thought alot about the word transition. going from one place to another. what unique time in life? i've been reminded by numerous peoples in my life about what a great opportunity this is. i couldnt agree more. it is in so many ways a fresh start: a chance to seek, explore, and grow. there are a couple of aspects of this transition that sometimes makes me nervous but God is faithful to remind me of who He is and exactly what He provides. its been bittersweet.

i've written about the inevitability of change and the fact that i've known it's been coming for some time. It isnt until it fully arrives that you truly know if you're ready to walk in it. i've always said i wanted to live in the deep and not reside in the kiddie pool. so regardless of any apprehensions or fears, i just have to dive in and fully immerse myself in the experience. i'd rather live life with no regrets having tried than to wonder "what if." its that "fight the good fight" that i'm most grateful for.

i'm working diligently to finish the packing. its been a good experience and good to purge stuff i soooo do not need. in alot of ways, its been liberating to fully let the past go and forge ahead with a bright promising road ahead.

thanks so much for all your prayers and thoughts!

i leave you with the lyrics from a Watermark song "More Than You'll Ever Know"

truly this is how I feel about so many of you in my life! many blessings and the next post will come after the move!

Something brought you to my mind today
I thought about the funny ways you make me laugh
And yet I feel like it's okay to cry with you
Something about just being with you
When I leave I feel like I've been near God
And that's the way it ought to be...

CHORUS:
'Cause you've been more than a friend to me
You fight off my enemies
'Cause you've spoken the Truth over my life
And you'll never know what it means to me
Just to know you've been on your knees for me
Oh, you have blessed my life
More than you'll ever know, yeah, yeah, yeah
More than you'll ever know, yeah, yeah, yeah
You had faith, when I had none

You prayed God would bring me a brand new song
When I didn't think I could find the strength to sing
And all the while I'm hoping that I'll
Do the kind of praying for you that you've done for me
And that's the way it ought to be...

You have carried me
You have taken upon a bruden that wasn't your own
And may the blessing return to you
A hundredfold, oh yeah...
A hundredfold, oh yeah...

Prayer Request

Just heard from my sister.

Cary had a J tube inserted now giving him both a G-J tube. He was having a flare up when my sister took him to the hospital yesterday but managed to make it through the procedure well. My sis is not sure if he's going to wake up in alot of pain due to the flare up though he will have discomfort from the new tube.

Here's what they can expect:

He will do the tube feeding for as long as his colon will allow. They are hoping for at least a year and then after that fails, he'll do iv nutrition and then will be considered for a transplant.

They're hoping that not eating will make his pancreas think its doesnt need to work and will give it some rest to prevent any more damage.

He's lost a tremendous amount of weight and is a bit malnourished which is why they went ahead with the feeding tube. The next step is to get him to gain some weight.

I'm not sure how much longer he will be hospitalized.

Just pray for continued strength, peace, and comfort for my sister and her family. Pray for healing for my bro-in-law and wisdom to the Dr's in who's care he is in. Also, I can't go into details but there's been some drama for my sis lately where there should be support and love. We're doing our best to love them, pray for them, and support them from afar. Its just not possible for us to be there with them. Makes it hard on my parents who love them so much and so very much want to be there. Unfortunately responsiblities tie them here and in the long wrong I feel they will prove to be more helpful.

We are so very thank for families like the Thatchers who are currently keeping the boys while my sister is with Cary in Indianapolis.

blessings always...

It's only what you're asking for

oooo what a day.

the plans for the family vacay or off the charts. as always, some arrangements have been left to the last minute. i guess that's what makes us mexican? lol. not sure how this thing is gonna go down, but i will say that i'm determined to have a super great time.

a few frustrations on my plate and i just gotta get it out there and as far away from me as possible! Lol. i have quite a few decisions to make regarding a potential job and going to school not full-time but part-time. this is a smart route to go but it has potential consequences in the long haul.

i don't want to be rash and end up tying myself to something i dont want to be tied to!

my bro-in-law is back to the hospital as well. quite possibly, he'll have a j-tube but he's had some complications with the g-tube so not sure if that's going to happen. concerned for my sis, missing them, and just feeling a bit helpless.

it also makes me feel quilty that here she is going through this tough time and i'm off vacationing. causing alot of mixed emotions and i'm not quite sure what to do with them. just continuing to pray for her and that situation.

i did make an attempt at packing for the move but have not been very successful. tomorrow i pack and head to san antonio. vertical horizon will be the soundtrack for that leg of the trip. i know you may think, why that album? so many reasons. listening to it now and it takes me back down memory lane! i think its good to reflect on where you've been and where you've come from. there seems to be quite a bit of that going on.

i also realized there's a slew of stuff i need to buy for the new apt. i'd given most of my stuff away to my siblings when i moved back to west texas soooo long ago. didnt find most of what i had as necessary. it is now necessary!

new beginnings...they're beautiful. reading before going to sleep. not sure what to expect of this trip (aye!)...just hoping and praying it goes well.

finishin up arrangements for lubbock, a job, and school. its daunting and sometimes a bit intimidating...but what needs to be done must be done.

forging ahead with an attempt of fierceness.

what makes me happy

i'm getting an oil change at a new spot this time. meant to have it done at the dealership in LBK. having the one here do it is not an option.

so this oil change comes w/a car wash which is nice cause i've been rollin around in a krusty whip! anyhow...nastiness is not good...clean and shiny is!

so this new spot is pretty swanky. ok and I just found out/reaffirmed why I don't take it to the dealership here that is supposed to do routine maintenance. everytime I take it in at the major mile markers all those krusty boneheads tell me is "oh it just needs an oil change."

I may be a girl but i'm not stupid. this is why I hate dealing w/my vehicle and usually leave it to my dad to deal with. but this is my move towards independence not out of a desire for but in a necessity to. my dad can't drive 3 hrs to take my car in for service. so I put on my big girl pants and did it myself.

at least the guy servicing my car has treated me fairly...so thank u mr. frank. ur kind and gracious service is much appreciated.

I head to san antonio for the last of the travels (@ least 4 a while). working on packing still! but excited to see friends.

I had an interview yesterday. felt it went well and will have to wait until next week before finding anything out.

life is surely bittersweet right now. so excited and kinda nervous bout a few things like moving and starting my mba so many great things happening. but @ the same time a lot of tragedies and tough circumstances too. I really do trust that things will work out as they should.

lookin forward to time w/the fam and w/good friends. there's great comfort in the fellowship of those who truely know you and love you.

i'l spend the rest of the day taking care of school work and packing. the story of my life according to some.

hopin the best for your week.

as always...

maybe, i'll see you on the road!

This room may be dark

i'm having writers block...

for the girl that usually has something to say, this is a bit rare. but there it is, staring me right in the face. i even have my usual inspirational music playing and not inpsirational as in "christian"...no inspirational as in inspires me to write and to be honest. hard to explain so please dont ask me too.

today was a hard day.

it started out like most and i knew the planned events for the day. apt, interview, funeral service.

i just didnt anticipate everything else that would accompany it. out of respect for the family morning, i'm not going to talk about the funeral service. just to say i witnessed a family mourning gracefully and it was both beautiful and painful to behold.

maybe the reason i cant write this blog is because there's so much going on that my thoughts feel a bit convoluted. life is a bit all over the page for the moment.

supposed to head to san antonio on thurs and will be there through sat morning..and then the trip to Houston/Galveston. details changed on account of family making some last minute changes... well not so much last minute as letting me know last minute. its ok...my word for the day is FLEXIBILITY

that's how i've lived most of the summer so its gonna be ok. just excited to see old friends!

so we have both good and not so good going on.

my sis's husband is getting a j-tube, aka the feeding tube. whether or not this puts him on a transplant list i've yet to find out. plan on talking to my sis tomorrow or at least finding out through my mom. i try not to call just cause i know my mom wants to talk to her and she has limited time with the kids and her situation. so i try to give my mom as much time to talk with her as possible. but i think and pray for them constantly.

i'm not dwelling on any one thing. life is life and with it a time for every season.

today was not so much about reflection and acknowledgement but about realization, appreciation, and solidarity in living in the moment.

appreciation apart from words.

this is all i have for today.

home at last

all i can do is think about sleeping in my own bed. i always sleep better at home than anywhere else. it must be the comfort factor. we finally made it in and i can say that my mom made it safely home. exhausted but safely home.

so much to say so many mixed emotions...a close friend welcomed his baby boy into the world today. its a beautiful thing and i'm so very happy for him and his wife. hopefully if everything works out, i'll be able to see them this coming week.

so many things happening this week and more travel on the books. after all the miles i put in this week, i'm still very excited for the travel to come. i know, i must be insane. its good to see old friends and to visit and from all the conversations i can say i've been blessed beyond measure.

things are so completely different today than what i thought they were two weeks ago. plans keep shifting or altering...and its ok just taking some adjustments.

i'll take a quick trip up to lubbock for a walk-thru of the new apt and then also an interview for a job. exciting and scary stuff. but if it works out, it will be very good for future plans. we'll just have to wait and see. again..i'm at peace with water comes down the pike. not anxious just steady at heart about it.

i'm so glad for family for so many reasons. got to spend some time with family i dont get to see too often because we live so far away from one another. it was really great to sit and catch up. sooo many laughs and i'm glad to see these relationships strengthening. its beautiful to see family interact when its in love.

will get to spend more time with extended family during the family vacay. lol. oh Jesus help us! lol. just gotta know that side of the family to know what i'm talkin bout. love them but they can get crazy. lol. should be good times for sure.

there's alot more i'd like to talk about but first i need to spend some time processing the week/weekends events. all good stuff but my brain is super tired and a bit convoluted now. must sleep!