Premature panic

i've been debating about whether or not to post this one. its late and i should be asleep especially since i was up so early this morning. i had an odd dream which woke me at 6am and left me in a state of sadness. so my dilemna relates to how do i discuss the dream without giving all the particulars.

its going to be a vague description and with a disclaimer: do not to try and decipher what situation i'm talking about.

ok so as many of you know, there have been a lot of dramatic events in my life. some brought on by my own actions and some by the actions of others. in this dream i was reunited with a group of people. in fact i didnt understand the significance of the dream until i was listening to my ipod later...the whole dream left me in a funk.

ok back to the dream...so i was reunited with this group of people to talk about where we were in terms of today since whatever happened so many years ago. i hadnt been with this group of people in quite a while so it was really awkward and the reunion happened very much like  real world or road rules reunion but instead of being televised it was being broadcast on the radio. so our listening audience couldnt actually see what was transpiring.

so in the dream, i was the character that everyone was waiting to see reactions in terms of my appearance. our host of the radio program introduced me and i was seated oppostie part of the group. it was weird awkward and the first question asked, the host asked me what i had learned since going our separate ways...i remember starting to tell him how back then i was unable to see how truly talented those individuals are....and to see what was in front of me but that it had been one of the best experiences of my life. at that point mid-sentence two of the guest got up and packed a bag and left...shaking my hand, refusing to hug me before leaving.

it stung...and i realized that no matter what i had learned from the experience the damage done due to actions and not thinking through the situation were the consequences of what i was experiencing in the present. and so they left without explanation leaving a stunned studio.

it was at that point i woke up to a wet face not realizing that while i was crying in my dream i was crying in my sleep in the physical.

the whole dream sequence was jarring...and yes left me very puzzled like why now after all this time.

then while i was contemplating the whole thing, "apololgize" by one republic came on the ipod. it was too late to apologize for the things i've done or said and no matter how much i tried...things would never ever be the same. does it make me sad? yes...but i think it serves as a poignant lesson today.

no matter how much i want to act out foolishly, i go back to this understanding that some actions/words carry us across the "too late" line. yes, sometimes in relationships we can take things to a point of no return. then where do you go from there?

ive tried to remember this in regards to my own actions and words and understanding. i think thats why i often want to set things right so quickly after i know i have erred. i dont want to hear the words, its too late to apologize.

so why all of this now?

just reminded me why grace and mercy are so imperative to my relationships of today. relationships are a two way street and there's nothing you can do to implore to other party to give or be present in the relationship the way you really want.

in the last few weeks, ive gotten back on track in terms of my own personal development. focusing on the things i need to do to better myself as a person. not an easy feat by any means but at the same time, i have to know i gave everything i could to succeed.

ive learned more about myself in this last semester...learned that the fighter in me still strives on...and that im not one to give less than 110%...just not in my nature. im not always completely successful but im working on gleaning as much as i can from any stituation/relationship to carry that knowledge with me into the next situation/relationship.

in short, the last few weeks have been about preservation and redesign. seems odd because none of it is a derivative of drama or crisis...just a natural evoluation in the state of things..

2010 has been amazing. some of the hardest and greatest situations i have ever faced and while 2011 is fast approaching...im doing what i can to soak up the last moments of 2010. to savor the beauty of quiet moments of time spent with friends and loved ones and to give what i can as necessary.




Ricardo and I will celebrate our one year anniversary come early next week....its a beautiful way to welcome 2011...i know this next year will bring alot of changes...but i can honestly say im not scared and ready to embrace what life will bring...im holdin on tight, not letting go...



so i started the year with a new beginning and am ending it with one as well...only fitting to say hello to the new beginning.