captive, captivated, captivating

i keep thinking to myself: "what's the point in sleeping?" I should feel better prepared than I do given the amount of time I've given to preparing myself  for these three tests. Two tomorrow or rather this morning and one early monday morning. i havent quite decided what to do after but i'm sure a nap will be worked into the plans somewhere.

with monday comes the end of my first semester at Tech. i have alot of mixed feelings about it. i changed my concentration earlier this week and while its not what some would expect i finally felt it was the right thing for me.

there's much i'd like to do in the spirit of the holiday season. time just has not afforded me the opportunities i had so dearly hoped for. i try to find those bright shining moments as i can but they have not been provided to me in luxury this season.

no this season would be a very quiet and still one. yes the madness that is higher education can be felt swirling around me...but the only way i know to describe it is standing in an open field on a cold winter night with just a candle and the stars and moon overhead providing direction and light.

i'm anxious to go home for the break.

ready for spring to arrive though i know that it must wait...

between now and then will come visits from my sweet little nephews. i cant even describe the joy of heart they bring to me when i think about them. so many things in my life have shifted in ways i never thought imagineable. i've not labelled them as good or bad shifts because its just not known yet. just alot of growing, stretching, and yes even tears.

good has come out of this semester...yes that i can see.

i'm grateful for the people in my life. those who have stood by me during this new phase and pursuit of goal in life. grateful for old friends who have returned and for new friendships strengthened by genuine care. i cant say that i have it all figured out. heck i dont even know if i have it partially figured out. i just know that the best i can do for now is to live each moment as best i can.

have i made terrible blunders this year? absolutely...have i had some of the most incredible experiences of my life? without a doubt....and just as always, time will keep moving - seasons will come and go. i know that i have left many disappointed but all i can say is that this is my life, my choices, my one chance to do what i was created/intended to do.

no one else knows that better than God Himself. so i trust and walk fully in Him.

there are some that i wish could see the full scope/picture of what has happened been happening over the last four months but it's just not meant for them to see. i understand that now and though i may be judged for what they perceive to be certain actions or lack of actions - in the end the people who need to know most what is really happening and what my course of action has been are those who do know.

i finally realized that i dont owe anyone any explanations for the road i've been on or the struggles i've endured. the lesson learned...dont judge others and dont compare because you truly dont know what they've been through, are goin through, or where they have been.

the one thing i can say is that i've begun to walk down the path that was paved for me and to carve my own way (the way God's directing) outside of an identity so often assigned to me. i finally tired of apologizing for being who i was created to be and realized if individuals can't accept it then they dont care for me in the way that i thought they did and dont have to be around and...so many aren't. nothing to cry about or over, though its not as painless or flippant as i may make it sound. Reminds me of a Switchfoot song "Don't be there."

Don't be there, don't be there,
'Cause I'm on my way,
And I'm already gone over,
And I'm on my way. hey...

I can't recall myself how I went down,
Did I get shot or shoot myself?

I'm down here, I'm down here,
And you're way up there,
That doesn't hurt, badly,
But it stings right here, hey...

I can't recall myself how I went down,
Did I get shot or shoot myself?

And I won't pretend there's nothing there,
You'll be around and I'll be square.
Don't be alarmed if I'm not there,
You'll be around and I'll be square.

If you're a rose then I'm the thorn
that's in your side,
And does it hurt badly?
'Cause it burns right here.

I can't recall myself how I went down,
did I get shot or shoot myself?

I'd like to say hello,
I'd like to say I care,
I'd like to let you know,
That nothing here's the same with me,
Nothing here's the same.

And I can't recall myself how I went down,
Did I get shot or shoot myself?

And I won't pretend there's nothing there,
You'll be around and I'll be square.
Don't be alarmed if I'm not there,
You'll be around and I'll be square.
Don't be around, Don't be there,
Don't be there.

It's a completely beautiful song but i won't get into its meaning. just to say that sometimes this realization/process is to be a part of the life we must live.

for me in the present: nothing is the same - it never could be.

no melodramatics, no waterworks, no regrets...it is what it is...and just like after all the other major and pivotal moments in life, i'll keep moving forward - keep taking steps - keep attempting to remain faithful to the truth in my heart because at the end of the day, its all i know to do.

back to the books...i am eagerly waiting for the end.....

as always - louda