I'll fly away

This week...there are no words to do it justice but just to say it was filled with lots of emotions.

July 4th has always been one of those odd holidays in my family that we never fully celebrated as kids. Not because we're not patriotic or anything like that but because when my mom was 19, she lost her father in a tragic car accident that changed her family dynamic and would continue to change it even through last year.

I never knew him and only know the stories that my mother tells me and the tragic story of how his death forever affected my uncle. As an adult, we engage in 4th of July activities but it's not celebrated in the way that we celebrate Christmas or New Years...

We don't live in the past just that past events have shaped our celebrations into what they are today.

I spent most of the 4th trying to recover from recent travels. I've spent quite a bit of time with my sister and additional time preparing for some major changes in life. I'm not at liberty to go into any detail mostly because what is posted here is public. Just that the timing is right....

So as the afternoon wore on, I found out that one of my best friends - her father had passed away in the early morning hours with her mother at his side. instantly I thought of Fly from Jars of Clay.

I met my friend while we were in college and we formed a unique relationship initially based on accountability but grew into what I would consider true sisterhood. There are plenty of stories there....including crazy moments and tough conversations...but now she has a little one and family of her own. we don't see each other as often as we'd like but I think we both understand that that is where life has taken us.

Her life changed dramatically when her baby was born. I saw it happen with my sister when her boys were born. It's life's natural progression and I wouldn't begrudge any time she has away from her precious little one. Those are moments to be savored because they grow fast!

But even through life's changes - when we get together its like no time has passed. it's the beauty of those kinds of relationships that is sometimes rare...

So back to her father...it's odd and hard to imagine that he's gone because while I didn't see her parents regularly - they always welcomed me and made me feel at home no matter where I was or doing in life. They have that genuine love about them..and my fondest memories of her dad involve how he was always cracking jokes and trying to make everyone laugh. He was a bit mischievous that way and had a boisterous laugh. I cant remember a time where he wasn't smiling and in a genuinely good mood. I know my friend will miss him...it brings tears to my eyes to even have to fathom not having my own dad around: I cant imagine it nor do I want to.

His illness was unexpected and quick. It's a testament to our human frailty and how we are just one breath away from leaving this earth. I promise I'm not morbid but given my sister's situation it's something I've had to think about and deal with in recent months.It's painful and never easy and no matter the age - changes you.

My friend is strong and for the strength she's unable to provide God will give to her via her family, husband, friends, a quiet moment, the laugh of her baby girl..it will come in unexpected ways... Above all my prayer for her family is continued peace - that passes all understanding, comfort, love, and tranquility.

Saturday - we'll travel to pay our last respects and support her and her family as they say goodnight because as believers - we believe we'll see each other again.

Fly from Jars of Clay reminds me of my own sister and her situation with my bro-in-law...this example is what I see in her...where the strength comes from - it can only be God and I pray that if I ever was in either of their (my sister's or my friend's) shoes that I'd face life's situations with the grace and poise that they have.

It's an honor and privilege to walk beside them and I'll gladly do what I can to support them.

Seems a bit of a stretch to travel next weekend to the metroplex for a celebration for another BFF - a bridal shower...a joyous occasion! Emotional to say the least...but I'm reminded of

Ecclesiastes 3

There is a time for everything,

    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

²     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,

And so for now - i'm taking it one day at a time....remembering to savor the moments and the relationships because life is but a vapor.

Fly - Jars of Clay
Be still
Let your hand melt into mine
The part of me
That breathes when you breathe
Is losing time
I can't find the words to say
I'll never say goodbye

[chorus]
And I'll fly with you
Through the night so you know
I'm not letting go
I'm not letting go
Tears like rain fill up the sky
Oh my love
I'm not letting go
I won't let you go

[verse]
I saw a host of silent angels
Waiting on their own
Knowing that all the promises
Of faith come alive 
When you see home
Hold still and let your
Hand melt into mine

[chorus]

[bridge]
Shed your heart and your breath
And your pain and fly
Now your alive

Now your alive
Now your alive
Now your alive

I won't let you go
I'm not letting go

anthems, possiblities, and courage

ever heard a song and something inside clicks and is totally intune with the lyrics? so much so that it in essence becomes your anthem?  could be that the anthem is short-lived or oscillates but nevertheless an anthem it is. i've been feeling a bit of that this week. oh the irony...

it has been a while and just like always i think that life is going to slow down to give me the room to breathe. i finally realize that, that  will never be the case. time to breathe can only come when you force it upon yourself. but its freeing and nice when you finally do.

i've been doing alot of self evaluation in the last few weeks. and just to warn - there will be several innuendo's - but i suppose there almost always are in my writings. as always, please resist the urge to decode this blog or figuree out the whos, what when wheres, and situations. just take it for what it is. often times what i'm really writing about is far from what people would assume - sometimes accidental sometimes not. today is one of those times when its not.

the reason being that there are situations to protect. you cant very well reveal your plans before an attack now can you? <= (that was a metaphor) so there will be no attacks at least not the kind some of you may have come to know me to be associated with or at least assumed. i digress.

(cough, cough)

so let me preface what's to follow with this: i've been on this completely wonderful and crazy journey for the last five years. given to the thro's of a crazy person who turned my world upside down and unbeknowst to them while their attempts and words were meant to derail me - they only propelled me upon my way and down a "yellow brick road."

there were alot of moments and experiences coupled with struggle, joy, amazement, all the wonderful emotinons and challenges of life - moments that no matter how wonderful or even how painful that I would ever, ever trade in a million years. even those "challenging" people who are in my life or have been - have provided me with opportunities to grow.

up to that point, i'd been this extremely driven, ambitious, wildly focused girl unaware of some of my surroundings and to be honest blazing down a trail with blinders while all around me was the wonderful mystical, colorful world. i was so far left on the pendulum that when I swung the other direction my personality took a bit of a nose dive and that ambitious girl took a nap and went into a deep sleep.

that's when passive aggressiveness set in or at least I thought until I realized I'd been passive agressive all along! boooo! not something I'm proud of and am working on even today and suppose I will work on until my last breath.

i feel that i've finally started to settle into balance and maybe that's due to maturity. is that what you're twenties does to you? the problem was/is that i was living like i was still in that time frame of my life but i've very recently realized i'm not. when you have massive student loans knocking on your door to say hello - pay me - you are quickly jolted into the reality of the "real world" and being an adult. oh the joys!

but it was a necessary evil - well sort of - but it was more the cost of pursuing my dreams - quite literally. would i do it again? perhaps but there are some things I would change. have I learned from it? without a doubt! and in more ways than one.

"wish I knew then what I know now"

we all would I suppose. would what you know alter your choices - probably and would you be the same person without those experiences - probably not. woulda, coulda, shoulda: what good does it do to sit and wallow.

letting go

there's beauty in that. really there is. and there's freedom and often peace.

i finally realized that the part of my personality that is driven and ambitious shouldnt be suppressed because it brought me some unfavorable and painful experiences. i cant run from that part of who i am and cant run from the fact that that is exactly how i was created. maybe my personality is a bit too much for some people - that's ok. many have fallen "by the way side" and the expectation of myself is so different from a few months ago.

that realization - all of the above - has brought a new found freedom. ive been faced with making many difficult decisions causing the soul searching. i realized i'd kept the "risk-taker" in a closet locked up trying to make "safe/logical" decisions that would make everyone happy and in the end i was the least happiest of them all. i felt like i was suffocating trying to meet expecations i will never be able to meet. and i realized - that's perfectly ok. i just need to be - let the risk-taker out of the closet - let loose the ambitious but hold on to all those lessons i learned about humilty, my life's purpose, and the goal...

i wont speak to the goal because it is ever-evolving.

i've also come to accept that life is not always so clearly laid/planned out. i thought i'd be at a certain point in my life by now and i'm not - not to say that that's bad - but to say that i have to accept that it is what it is and i have to take a bit of responsiblity to make those decisions that are right for me.

i touched on that topic this evening in a conversation with my mom. i love my mom and love my family dearly but i now know why people must leave to pursue the passion and a calling. it is sometimes evitable and i knew when i set out on the journey that sacrifices would have to be made.

i'm not yet sure the severity and it may all work out to be gravy but either way - i've decided to step through the threshold of the door and not look back.

some have come with me on this journey while others have remained a few steps behind and even more still have diverted all together. as callous as it sounds, i cant be sad or cry for it to be different anymore.

letting go

sometimes necessary and for me i realized wanting to hold on to what was or what i thought was - was only holding me back from moving forward. there will be criticsm - there will be lack of understanding - there will be misled piety. but those who've stuck through me will understand maybe not fully but i gather they will know its the right thing.

odd how God has ALWAYS worked this way in my life. i may think the road leads one way but in an instant or a moments notice - it shifts in a new direction. and as crazy and chaotic as the decision or choice seems, i've always know its the right thing to do because of the peace that comes with it. truly it does surpass all understanding. it is why I returned to angelo all those years ago after living in San Antonio. it was a realignment so to speak and my work was done/my assignment had been completed. it made no sense to many people in my life but to me it was exactly what I needed and what was necessary to set things right.

reminds me a of these lyrics:

I've been looking till my eyes are tired of looking
Listening till my ears are numb from listening
Praying till my knees are sore from kneeling
On the bedroom floor

I know that You know that my heart is aching
I'm running out of tears and my will is breaking
I don't think that I can carry the burden of it anymore

All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are slowly slipping through my folded hands

So I'm gonna lay it down, I'm gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up, I know Your love will be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go, I'm gonna lay it down

I've been walking through this world like I'm barely living
Buried in the doubt of this hole I've been digging
But you're pulling me out and I'm finally breathing
In the open air

This room may be dark but I'm finally seeing
There's a new ray of hope and now I'm believing
That the past is the past and the future?s beginning
To look brighter now

'Cause all of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are safe and secure when I place them in Your hands

So I'm gonna lay it down, I'm gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up, Your love, Your love will be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go, I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna lay it down, I'm gonna lay it down

I thought I knew what the plan was but i've come to  realize is that I'll never know the plan fully and instead of getting caught up in the when, where's, and why's - I should shift my focus to the possiblities.

At this point - I have no idea where the road will lead or know what decisions will be made in the months to follow.

All that I do know is that to stay where I am will never fully satisfy what is within. instead - for the first time in a long while - i'm going to allow that drive within to be better, do better, to give more, and chase hard after dream/goal/pupose - to lead the way. it is no longer misguided or lacks understanding but is in peace with the right kind of focus and a heart that is open to the possiblities.

and in so many ways, I find myself "Wide Awake"

mis-communication, struggle, strife, and value

I've been working on this post for something like 3 months. Life has ben hectic and its about to ramp up for the next few weeks. I have lots of travel on the books from now until October not to mention Kids Fun Fest. I'm the Marketing Committee Chair for a children's clinic and that includes promoting a new annual fundraiser. There's pressure but great excitement and once I get my bearings this week - I'll hit the ground running with this project.

We've already been going a million a miles a minute celebrating my mom's bday and travel to spend time with my sister and her family.

So I thought this might be a poignant time to post this one.

Through the years, I've been through a number of leadership development courses and even now as I'm being groomed for leadership in the future, I've been reading alot about communication, communication styles, etc. We all know how individual we are and that yes some people tend to gravitate towards certain communication styles but there's so much more that goes into the complexity that is communication.

I have a few examples.

Well, when I talk about Ricardo and I - I could give numerous examples. But I remember I'd just gone through a leadership development class where we'd discussed different communication styles and personalities. What I took from that class was that we shouldn't become chamelions becoming like those we are communicating with but should "adapt" our styles - staying true to who we are - but maybe changing our methods of approach. Something sorta clicked because I've known this but it just made alot of sense to me.

I've had communication challenges before and my own personality often presents its own challenges because inevitable I'll rub someone the wrong way or come across as being overtly agressive. Should I apologize for that, I think not but I do need to be accountable for my actions and words. I just cant go around slaying people in my "right" to be who I am...temperance - something I'm not great but working on.

So then shortly after - I read an article from the Harvard Business Review about "emotional inlligence" defined as "ability to identify, assess, and control the emotions of oneself, of others, and of groups." Emotional intelligence is something that most executives excel in.

Interesting I thought to myself.

My challenge to myself is to really take my skills, knowledge, and abilities to the next step. Well, this "emotional intelligence" happens to b an area I need work in. So wouldnt it be that likely that I'd be challenged in that way. I could name the number of events but I fear those involved would feel like I betrayed them so I wont.

So i'll just give an example that often happens with Ricardo and I. We've been together just over 2 years and you'd think oh wow - they know each other. Yeah, just getting to the tip of the iceberg there. I look at my parents relationship and they've been married almost 40 years and yeah they're still learning about one another...in fact, i'm still learning about myself and coming into my own (not an easy task). I've had the luxury of having my path "paved" and just recently began to step out of those expectations. It's challenging but its been good and I believe making me a better person.

Doing the hard.

I've spent alot of time trying to avoid the challenges when I should just embrace them. They are going to come, there's no stopping them. Miscommunication will happen. I'll become upset. What I've learned is that most disagreements or discenssions occur due to a communication error. So it behooves us to stretch out that olive branch and try to clarify. Now given that some people will always miscontrue or refuse to see that the intention is not what they thought it would be and refuse to apologize or make nice because "they were right" and that's just how it is. These folks arent going to bend and will think what they want to think.

You can't change anyone else but you. Can't control anything except what's in the immediacy of you. So why spend effort in trying...its impossible. Someone has to be willing to reciprocate coming to concensus and to meeting you halfway for it to happen. I'm not saying you should attempt tries but there are times when the right thing to do is just walk away.

Harder said than done but some people's views will never change.

So that brings me to another point about what we say vs. what we do. Probably the biggest challenge of all. You can have an "ideal" and say that you believe in it but really are more in love with romanticsm of the ideal but not really embracing the ideal. What you do immediately confirms or denies what you say. I find myself often contradicting what I say and what I do which is why I work really hard at making sure I can follow through and that I'm focused on those relationships which are of utmost importance to me.

I can often be stressed thin and across multiple fronts. so know this I have to be careful what I commit myself to and where I devote my time. that being said one of my priorities is my relationship is Ricardo so I tend to not like confrontation but have learned that I need to embrace it and that conversations that may appear to be tough when approached  in spirit of true honesty and humility that something beautiful often comes of it. The experience in itself is beautiful because of what we can learn from it.

The most beautiful relationships I've known often stem from moments like that where we were able to bridge a gap of division and come to a consensus. Instead of opposing diversity, I've treid to embrace it in my life. We cann all learn from each other but the choice is our own. Isnt that what helps us to grow?

so next time you face a challenge or miscommunication, step back for a moment and see if the miscommuincation is due to something on your part and if there's something you could do to make things right or clarify...make the effort even if it may hurt your pride because you just might learn something from it.

But of course if you take pride in yourself then go ahead and be stubborn and stick to your guns....before long your circle will eventually include clones of yourself.

"Holy emails, Batman!"

I'd begun working on a post about miscommunication which I will post shortly, but between developing that post life took some crazy turns. Let me update you.

Sometime before Easter, I got an upper respiratory infection. So I saw my PCP and was prescribed some meds and by the following week I was back in business...then I contracted an eye infection.

Another round of antibiotic eyedrops followed and again a few days later....tip-top shape. But then my bro-in-law was readmitted to the hospital. We weren't sure if he was going to be released by Easter but he was and so an impromtu trip to San Antonio was put on the books.

All in all the trip was lots of fun and spending time with my nephews is always a joy to me.

So my bro-in-law ended up back in the hospital right after Easter. He's now home on palliative care.

this is the part we've dreaded most.

Many people have asked me what he has...its not an easy question to answer. He's had well over a dozen surgeries since 2005. He had been diagnosed with acid reflux and then I believe IBS and then something with his gall bladder. The first surgery removed his gall bladder.

However, the real problem was a congenital defect in a duct in his pancreas. That problem wasnt discovered until a year after his gall bladder had been removed. A year later, his pancreas had suffered major irreprable damage.

Long story short, Cary ended up meeting a specialist in Minneapolis who said he'd eventually need an Auto Islet Cell Transplant. The doc expected this to occur in about 5 to 10 years but it was only a year later that Cary went under the knife again.

This time his spleen, appendix, and pancreas were removed. The Islet cells were harvested from his pancreas and injected into his liver. Worst case scenario, Cary would be a diabetic for the rest of his life. We almost lost him twice in recovery and docs rescitated him...opened him back up and found a blood vessel/vein had not been repaired. In essence Cary was bleeding out. They fixed it and Cary began a long road of recovery. The doc thought this route would give Cary at least another 10-15 years of life.

About a year later we discovered that the Islet cells in his live had died...and Cary was now diabetic but on top of that issue - his endocrine system was out of sync and he was self-dehdydrating about every 6 weeks. He gave us several scares during that time as his blood pressure would drop and he'd lose consciousness.

Fast-forward to last August when his Dr told him he was now suffering from liver failure complicated by the fact he's also now diabetic and he isnt a viable candidate for a liver transplant. Probably the hardest news to date. My sister and Cary went through the difficult tasks of making funeral arrangements.

Not uncommon when you get up there in age, but completely out of sequence for a 30 year old.

I remember my nephew saying to us, "maybe God can heal my Daddy..." it was heartbreaking because we believe that God can, but the question is will He? I certainly do not understand God's plan for this situation. Dont completely understand why my sister, bro-in-law, and small nephews were chosen to walk down this road.

It is one of the hardest journeys any of us has endured in life to date. We have no answers and instead can only trust that whatever it is that God is doing will work to the good of those who love Him. Yes we've been through some very tough situations but I can say without doubt that no matter what God has seen us through them ALL.

And in that, there is this very odd and unexplainable peace. We know this is what the bible talks about as the "peace that passes all understanding."

We dont know how much time Cary has with us. All we know is that we have to make the most of each moment. We have to make this time count and there's no time to wallow in self-pity or sadness. For my two small nephews sake, life must continue.

That is where my priorities have shifted - to my sister, bro-in-law, and nephews. Tougher days will come - no one is exempt from them. But together we will endure because three strands are better than one.

It's that understanding which allows me to maintain focus and perspective and it reminds me to make the most of my relationships. Because time is fleeting and at the end of this life, all the valuables and riches mean nothing if our lives are empty of meaningful relationships, compassion, and love.

Regardless valuables and riches are not the end all-be-all and what do I gain to have all the "stuff" of life but to miss out on meaningful relationships and love?

I understand what John Piper meant when he said "dont buy intot he trap of the american dream." It was to meant to be about the attainment of stuff...because that goal can never be fully accomplished. New stuff is created every day adding to the never-ending cycle of "new stuff"....but our opportunity for love and relationships is completely attainable and brings the greatest satisfaction and fulfillment.

I know this everytime my nephews hug me, when they crawl into bed with me, or even when we share pancakes or waffles...its the small things that bring the greatest joy.

So my prayer is that Cary be given time - time to be with his boys and my sister - time to make precious memories - and that he not suffer.

Everything else I leave in God's hands because I dont know what the ending to this story should be. My knowledge and insight is limited. My scope of understanding is limited. So I leave the answers to the only one who truly knows. My faith, hope, and peace rests there...

the old, the new...

a battlefield

the upcoming post about miscommunication has taken longer than I expected.

however, my grandfather is now home (such a relief). But my bro-in-law is still hospitalized and his condition appears to be worsening. we have a visit on the books for Easter weekend so i'm hoping to get in a visit to see him. just need to be sure I don't have a cold or some other ailment.

my mind consistently moves towards thinking about my sister when I'm not needed to focus on work or some other task at hand. I wish that I lived closer. The summer will prove to be busy and work travel will pick up. it's bittersweet because while i enjoy traveling - it means a weekend away from my family.

i dont know what's on the horizon and for now all I can do is to take one day at a time. i tell my sister that all the time: one day, one moment.

Random thoughts

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most importantly, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” - Steve Jobs

I had to start this post with that quote... Life has been full of "circle of life" type events as of late. I'm working on a miscommunications focused blog but haven't had time to organize my thoughts around the subject just yet.

So the Steve Jobs quote, well my brother-in-law is having another surgery tomorrow and my grandfather is still recovering from a stroke. I've been faced with varying family dynamics which add to the complications. But I'm discovering this is life....change is inevitable.

I hope to finish up my miscommunications blog tomorrow. Should be interesting...

too close

Uncertainty

There are days when I wonder if I'm ever going to see the light at the end of the tunnel. After getting an upper respiratory infection, I'd consciously decided to eliminate unnecessary stress. There are still too many unknowns which are completely out of my control.

I'm trying to maintain an optimistic outlook but just as I feel the sun is coming out something happens leaving me feeling sucker punched. My grace and patients have run out and I'm at the point where I feel I've done all that I could.

I've sort of throw myself into my work which is partially therapeutic but brings a whole other level of unknowns. It gives me a chance to take a break from some of life's happenings as of late.

Some of you know by now that my grandfather was hospitalized and was readmitted yesterday. We're waiting to hear what the next few steps are gonna be. It's a but unexpected and that coming off the heels of my brother-in-laws recent readmission.

Something has to change soon. I've consciously moved towards healthier eating and have managed to get a few workouts in. Just working at adjusting my schedule and manage my health better.

To boot, I've started doing some spring cleaning. Decided my life has stuff I need to purge. Both literally and figuratively. Like so many times before, I feel I'm on the cusp of making some major decisions in so many areas of my life. Not easy but all part of being an adult.
.

gimme a cupcake

after this crazy week, I really needed the downtime of this weekend. I've literally been on the road most weekends since before Christmas. Looks like I'll be spending the month of March home with Ricardo heading this way to visit.

that man is a Godsend.

exhaustion is a funny thing and often I don't realize it's toll until i'm literally knocked off my feet like last week with an upper respiratory infection and then this week it was an eye infection. the dangers of working in a hospital.

i've worked to break my habit of touching my face, eyes, mouth, etc...because I had a nasty outbreak of a rash which I found out was due to the fact that I'm allergic to certain kinds of toothpaste.

oh man - me and these allergies.

I'm hoping the allergy shots start kicking in soon. immunotherapy shots does not equal fun that's for sure and they not only affect my schedule but my pocketbook! agh!

that's been my life in an nutshell for the last few weeks...being sick. no bueno and no fun. :(

so I took a brief moment today to examine why the illness and the craziness that is my life. some things I have absolutely no control - other things I can do something about. i realized my life needs some adjustments because in many ways i've not yet adjusted to post grad-school life.

not to mention that I have this crazy work ethic. i'm not married and dont have kids so its all too easy for me to lose myself in my work. not healthy I know...but its something I already know about myself and something I have to stay on top of. i dont think its a bad thing just about finding balance. luckily, i have a great mentor/boss who reminds me of the important things in life. he's got a great perspective about these things. makes me grateful for where i'm at and the position I'm in.

so another area taking a toll on the whole crazy work ethic/illness episode is my house. as in i still have christmas packed up but sitting in my living room. yeah - definitely need to get it shipped out to storage and clean my apt. i have piles of clean clothes and towels, and bedding that i've not been able to get put away...

so i think this weekend and the next few to come will bring with them some spring cleaning...out with the old to make room for whata i've already got! lol....dont need anymore new.

with the whole actual "spring cleaning" i figured that I should do some figurative spring cleaning and i've got a list going. time to roll up the sleeves and "Do work, Son!"

with that - sleep is calling.

peace, love, and sweet dreams world