Alright...so this blog pays homage to two of my best friends. My most recent one and my bff from junior high. This posting is a departure from my usual posts...and definitely far from my last post. But bear with me...this is kinda where I'm at right now.
Surrounded by friends and family and loved ones, so I only feel it's completely appropriate. You may choose to disagree...thats ok. The whole reason for this blog is because my awesome boyfriend bought me tickets to see New Kids on the Block and Back Street Boys in June. I saw New Kids on the Block with my best friend, Angie, about two years ago in Dallas...and well I just need to talk about that experience! LOL.
ok so my bff, Smange, as I call her - and I were attending the show in Dallas with my cousin and some of her friends. My cousin, Jenn, who basically grew up with me is more like a sister than a cousin. So I can remember dancing in my living room watching MTV to New Kids videos like "dance party USA" style. Yes, we were dorks...that's not the point. so when we got a chance to go as adults, we jumped on that gravin train like it was the last stop to paris! LOL.
simply because, we had mexican mamas and there was no way they were going to take us to a New Kids concert when we were kids. in fact, i dont think I ever remember either of them going out of town by themselves. odd...but anyhow...back to the story...so no concerts for us when they were young.
the announcement of that tour and new album was like..."dude we have to go!" so we got tickets and were on our way.
my bff, Smange, and I got a parking pass across from the venue and arrived early to check out Lady Gaga (who at the time, we had no clue who that was), and Natasha Bedingfield. Now, I will note that alot of these ladies seemed our age or older! and so many of them were sportin their 80's/90's New Kids buttons and denim jackets and 80's garb...it was hilarious...
Smange and I looked at each other, who were dressed semi-trendy for the 2000's(LOL!), and gave each other the "oh no she didn't" look.
so lady Gaga comes on and we noted that she needed a longer skirt...then Natasha and we both like her music...so we were bobbin our heads along to her music...some ladies were standing and dancing to her songs...and we noted very few men...who were either gay (not meant in a derogatory tone) or were forced to attend by significant other.
(didnt I write about this experience before?)
ok so back to the story. the house lights suddenly went out and outta the speaker box barks a deep voice along with music...ARE - YOU - REA-DY? and so by this point everyone is on their feet and starting to cheer....and just about that time...stage lights go up and the crowd goes wild and I'm wanting to go wild but since my BFF and I had been playing it cool..thought if I go crazy am I going to look like a huge dork? so I'm just about to turn to my BFF to note her reaction, when I see that she threw caution to the wind and was going NUTS, screaming and jumpin up and down...and so I tossed my arms up on the air in resignation and thought "what the heck?" and joined in!!! LOL...
OMG - that was seriously the most fun I had ever had at a show! We sang along, cheered, jumped up and down, danced...had a seriously awesome time. We were in the car and said to each other "no one will ever be able to understand this experience except for those who were there!" lol...
So when my boyfriend offered me a chance to see them again! I jumped at it...and so that is how my junior high bestie, Jackie, enters this picture...she and I had gone our separate ways and through some Divine intervention she has re-entered my life. Its been a great and awesome thing and I really love her like my sister. So she and I will be catching New Kids and Back Street Boys in June. We saw John Mayer in Houston at the end of the summer and had a great time. I can only imagine what this show will be like!
I gotta say, its amazing to have her back in my life...she knows my family really well...and there's something about having someone in your life that know so much of your history. They understand where you come from and why you are who you are today. The same can be said of my boyfriend, Ricardo. He knows where I've come from and why I am who I am today. You dont have to give any back story or explain in details...they've seen you live life in that way and were witnesses to what you've become.
Now for me...both Jackie and Ricardo were absent for a portion of my life and re-entered here recently...but they still captured a part of my life that has significance.
As for Jackie, omg....we have some seriously random conversations. She's honest...about as honest as anyone can get. She doesn't front and tells you like it is. I appreciate that in a number of ways. And we have lots and lots of memories together. We did go to junior high and high school together. so I think its only fitting to attend this show with her!
I've been listening to the old stuff from New Kids and some of the new stuff....nostalgic! LOL
alright...so now that i'm totally pumped about a show that is more than 6 months away....on the agenda this week is to finish up christmas preparations..and get ready to spend Christmas with family and friends.
going to Austin to spend Christmas Eve with Ricardo's family and then, he and I are headed back to West Texas to spend time with my family. This is our first Christmas and I'm very excited that we get to spend it together. We decided to do Thanksgiving solo with each of our families so this will be something new! Excited to share these last few moments with Ricardo as we started 2010 together! Quite literally...our official first date was Jan 1, 2010! I love him deeply and am so glad that he's a part of my life!
Sleep is on this agenda for now...taking my precious nephew, Timothy to the movies tomorrow!
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Friday, December 17, 2010
Candyland and cheating
I was supposed to arrive until sometime mid-week, next week but things have gotten a bit crazy and I decided I needed to spend time with my family. I know the time is coming where I'll be back in the "real work" world so three weeks home will be a rare if obsolete occurrence.
Things are still a bit dicey where my bro-in-law is concerned regarding his health. So I figured it would help to have an extra set of hands around to run errands, watch the boys, help with whatever, and just be around. Hence, the trip home.
Of course, Senorita Poochies is just elated. She hasn't left my side since my arrival. She's a happy cat.
As for the holiday season while most have been busy shopping and buying gifts, I'd been busy packing, finishing school projects, filling out fellowship applications, and going to interviews. It's been a bit exhausting and in the midst of all that, I realized that I'll be graduating next semester.
On facebook, I had posted this quote: "Live simply, Laugh often, Love deeply." To which someone else replied, "Love deeply, but do not get in the deep end." Reminded me of a sermon I heard and an interesting conversation that followed with one of my closest friends. I believe it was Louie Giglio talking about not staying in the "Kiddie pool" but diving into the deep.
There's a risk involved. It certainly is not for the faint of heart and there's the possiblity that some under current could sweep you under. The "kiddie pool" is safe and secure but it is limiting as well.
In the same token, there's a beauty involved in the experience something you could never achieve in the "kiddie pool."
reminds me of certain types of coy that only grow as big as their environment will allow. So the larger the environment, the larger the fish can grow.
I believe it is the same with us...that if we remain in the "kiddie pool."
I go back to the conversation of diving into the deep I had with my best friend. We both felt the experience of diving into the deep was well worth the risk.
Love deeply.
I've thought alot about that phrase. Thought about it from the standpoint of humanity and from the standpoint of a Christian. The last few weeks have brought many diverse conversations across my path. Conversations about faith and about those who profess faith. It reminded me of a song and a quote. It's an issue that's been prevalent in my life and in conversations in recent weeks.
"The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips and walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle." Brennan Manning
I can't say that I'm absolved from this conversation. I remember making a comment about something I witnessed someone say/do and I was reminded "he's still a man" and not "infallable." It made me think...made me consider the standards to which I and so many I know hold others to. Yes, I certainly believe there should be accountability but what happens when someone feels they're responsbile for holding you accountable but they've had no real presence in your life in over two years...and then there's the issue of humility.
I say this because I've witnessed people I care about waivering between belief and non-belief, to be treated and judged in a manner that contradicts "love your neighbor as yourself." I've seen few attempt to build a relationship and develop understanding of someone who's beliefs may differ from their own. For that reason, I've maintained an arm's length distance and during this time, that i've truly come to see who cares for me and for what reasons.
Those that truly love me have made the effort to find out the happenings of my life. They have invested time and without judgement have listened and offered understanding.
I now know what Voddie Baucham meant by the fact that if we share faith, we share because we want the people we love to share in our joy, love, comfort, and understanding....not because we see people as projects and numbers marked on the belt of "those we've won for Christ."
This is not to say that all I've witnessed have acted in this manner...no..i go back to humilty. I'm reminded of Phillipians 2...and yes, I have seen this lived out in action and in love by some amazing people. People not afraid to admit their limitations and to be honest about where they fail. People who have shared in earnest and in hopes of growing together.
I can say that these honest and real relationships have been a guiding light in cloudy moments and moments when I felt my hope was wanning. Not in who I believe God to be or what I believe He is capable of doing, or in who He is in my life....no...my doubt has rested in the bride of Christ, His church.
Despite that, I've seen glimmering lights of hope of people struggling to understand, struggling to grow...but pressing forward attempting to win the race that is set before them. To those who continue to carry on without judgement but in love, I commend you...and thank you.
Thank you because you've helped me to understand that I dont have to "wear" a Jesus badge and shove my beliefs down people's throats...and helped me to understand that it comes back to love...and of this....
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
To the loves in my life but to specifically one, thank you for your patients, thank you for keeping no record of wrong, thank you for protecting, for trusting, for hoping and for preserving....thank you for loving me in truth...and in understanding...and in grace. I'm eternally grateful and hope that in your honor I do the same for others.
Things are still a bit dicey where my bro-in-law is concerned regarding his health. So I figured it would help to have an extra set of hands around to run errands, watch the boys, help with whatever, and just be around. Hence, the trip home.
Of course, Senorita Poochies is just elated. She hasn't left my side since my arrival. She's a happy cat.
As for the holiday season while most have been busy shopping and buying gifts, I'd been busy packing, finishing school projects, filling out fellowship applications, and going to interviews. It's been a bit exhausting and in the midst of all that, I realized that I'll be graduating next semester.
On facebook, I had posted this quote: "Live simply, Laugh often, Love deeply." To which someone else replied, "Love deeply, but do not get in the deep end." Reminded me of a sermon I heard and an interesting conversation that followed with one of my closest friends. I believe it was Louie Giglio talking about not staying in the "Kiddie pool" but diving into the deep.
There's a risk involved. It certainly is not for the faint of heart and there's the possiblity that some under current could sweep you under. The "kiddie pool" is safe and secure but it is limiting as well.
In the same token, there's a beauty involved in the experience something you could never achieve in the "kiddie pool."
reminds me of certain types of coy that only grow as big as their environment will allow. So the larger the environment, the larger the fish can grow.
I believe it is the same with us...that if we remain in the "kiddie pool."
I go back to the conversation of diving into the deep I had with my best friend. We both felt the experience of diving into the deep was well worth the risk.
Love deeply.
I've thought alot about that phrase. Thought about it from the standpoint of humanity and from the standpoint of a Christian. The last few weeks have brought many diverse conversations across my path. Conversations about faith and about those who profess faith. It reminded me of a song and a quote. It's an issue that's been prevalent in my life and in conversations in recent weeks.
"The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips and walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle." Brennan Manning
I can't say that I'm absolved from this conversation. I remember making a comment about something I witnessed someone say/do and I was reminded "he's still a man" and not "infallable." It made me think...made me consider the standards to which I and so many I know hold others to. Yes, I certainly believe there should be accountability but what happens when someone feels they're responsbile for holding you accountable but they've had no real presence in your life in over two years...and then there's the issue of humility.
I say this because I've witnessed people I care about waivering between belief and non-belief, to be treated and judged in a manner that contradicts "love your neighbor as yourself." I've seen few attempt to build a relationship and develop understanding of someone who's beliefs may differ from their own. For that reason, I've maintained an arm's length distance and during this time, that i've truly come to see who cares for me and for what reasons.
Those that truly love me have made the effort to find out the happenings of my life. They have invested time and without judgement have listened and offered understanding.
I now know what Voddie Baucham meant by the fact that if we share faith, we share because we want the people we love to share in our joy, love, comfort, and understanding....not because we see people as projects and numbers marked on the belt of "those we've won for Christ."
This is not to say that all I've witnessed have acted in this manner...no..i go back to humilty. I'm reminded of Phillipians 2...and yes, I have seen this lived out in action and in love by some amazing people. People not afraid to admit their limitations and to be honest about where they fail. People who have shared in earnest and in hopes of growing together.
I can say that these honest and real relationships have been a guiding light in cloudy moments and moments when I felt my hope was wanning. Not in who I believe God to be or what I believe He is capable of doing, or in who He is in my life....no...my doubt has rested in the bride of Christ, His church.
Despite that, I've seen glimmering lights of hope of people struggling to understand, struggling to grow...but pressing forward attempting to win the race that is set before them. To those who continue to carry on without judgement but in love, I commend you...and thank you.
Thank you because you've helped me to understand that I dont have to "wear" a Jesus badge and shove my beliefs down people's throats...and helped me to understand that it comes back to love...and of this....
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
To the loves in my life but to specifically one, thank you for your patients, thank you for keeping no record of wrong, thank you for protecting, for trusting, for hoping and for preserving....thank you for loving me in truth...and in understanding...and in grace. I'm eternally grateful and hope that in your honor I do the same for others.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Christmas time is here...
So today was pretty rough. Alot on my plate right now. I'm trying to stay as focused as I can to finish out the week. Also have an interiew tomorrow so definitely need to be focused for that. Due to the high levels of stress and anxiety I was feeling, I decided a trip to the gym was in order. Managed to get in 3.5 miles and while it wasnt exactly easy I have to admit that it actually felt good to be back and so i'm hopin it'll become a bit more regular. It helps ease stress...and right now, things are a bit crazy in alot of different ways.
Not prepared to talk about any of it but I'm hopin that things turn around soon. Starting to feel that what was once within grasp is now slipping through my fingers. Nothing makes sense...i'm trying to remember that the holiday seasonness adds another dimension to it all. All I can say is that I'll be glad to be around family for the next few weeks.
Strange how things can shift from one moment to another...but i'm reminded that life is fragile and it should be lived and embraced. so i'm putting my "brave face" on moving forward. it's really all I can do. to stay where I am means I'm not growing..not making an effort.
tomorrow is another day, another chance at hope..
Not prepared to talk about any of it but I'm hopin that things turn around soon. Starting to feel that what was once within grasp is now slipping through my fingers. Nothing makes sense...i'm trying to remember that the holiday seasonness adds another dimension to it all. All I can say is that I'll be glad to be around family for the next few weeks.
Strange how things can shift from one moment to another...but i'm reminded that life is fragile and it should be lived and embraced. so i'm putting my "brave face" on moving forward. it's really all I can do. to stay where I am means I'm not growing..not making an effort.
tomorrow is another day, another chance at hope..
Thursday, December 2, 2010
balancing act
It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. Used to be a frequent occurrence and school, family, friends, and my new love have occupied alot of my time. After reading through some of my post I realized, it's been a healthy outlet to share experiences.
Life has taken some really unexpected turns in the last year. Kind of obvious to be reflective at this time of year. At the same time in less than five months, I'll be embarking on another new journey that hopefully will lead me to a new part of the state. Hopefully closer to my sweetie...
So I don’t even know really where to begin. School for once does not feel quite as overwhelming as it has in the past and maybe that has something to do with the fact that I’m working and have a special someone in my life.
Life also has taken on new meaning and that's primarily due to all the things that have happened in this last year. I find it amazing how life's circumstances change you and change how you view the world. Not talking in a bad way necessarily but I think regardless of what you face you just gotta know who you are and keep your head up.
You might be misunderstood, mistaken, misread...in the end the people who really love you will take the time and effort to try and find you out. Get to the core of what you mean or who you are or what you're trying to convey. Can’t say that that effort relieves you of being responsible for your communication. No it means you gotta be real to those you find in your inner circle.
There was a point and time when I was too concerned with what others thought and I felt that concern start to shift around the time I left to Italy. I think Italy was liberating in that sense and it gave me the courage I needed to face my first semester in a new town. Allowed me to root myself apart from my family and existing circles.
I cant say that everyone in my life has been happy about that but in the end, I’m living this life and when I stand before the creator - I alone will give an account for what I've done with what I’ve been given - no one else will stand with me...and so people can say this or that and think this or that but in the end I think what really matters is knowing I did what I could with what I had. Doesn’t mean I’m exempt from making mistakes.
I think sometimes people fear mistakes as failure but I think it’s the willingness to get up from the mistakes that defines true success. I’m not saying that I purposely set out to make mistakes, in fact, I’d rather avoid them. Takes me back to a quote given to me: "wisdom is learning from experience preferably not your own."
That’s one of the things that I’ve seen changed most. In the course of my life I’ve been leading in one way or another and for the first time in a long time, I’m not leading anything. It’s been odd and awkward but what I’ve learned from that experience is that sometimes you need to learn to be a follower because sometimes you just aren't suited for a particular position and it takes both leaders and followers to make organizations work. Anything new will be awkward at first but then you begin to find your place....
So this time of my life is about being a student...it hasn’t been easy for sure.
Trying to balance school, work, family, and my relationship with Ricardo. I can say that I’m blessed in that my family is close and values education so I’ve had alot of support from them. Ricardo has been pretty amazing as well and I’m glad that we share those similar values.
The difficulty has come in balancing time...because he and I live so far apart - it creates challenges if you will...but at the same time, I don’t think I would change any of it. I think it's been necessary...not liked... but beneficial to us both.
I’ve begun the great job search as all graduates eventually embark upon. Can’t say it’s been fun but interesting to see all the opportunities out there. I know the right one will open up at the right time so I’m patiently waiting.
At the same time, I think this is a unique time in my life and one that I shouldn’t rush through. I’m taking a two week break at the end of the semester to spend with family and friends and of course, I’ve carved out some special time with Ricardo as we celebrate our one year anniversary.
Where Ricardo is concerned - the journey has been pretty amazing - not just in that I find it completely amazing to see how to people make a relationship work but in how people share their lives with one another in a way that no other two people in the world have. It’s unique to that experience and in that I find a true beauty. it hasn’t been "walks in the park" at all times as we both bring our own set of challenges to the table...but it’s been insightful in that I’ve learned more about myself in this year than I ever thought was possible.
I can remember sitting on the ferry going from Brindisi to Patras the summer of 2009 - just before Ricardo entered my life. You see, he's not a new fixture that I just stumbled upon, but someone who came into my life way back in 1997. Then after a summer and some miscommunication, he departed...it sometimes goes that way, no? I think it wouldn’t have worked out between us if we had become more than friends. No I think we were best left as friends wanting more at the end of summer of '97.
I had stumbled upon him prior to my departure to Italy on facebook but had no contact with him. He wasn’t in my thoughts as I was in Italy/Greece. No, I was taking in the experience with a fresh set of eyes and excitement and what I was thinking about was my upcoming move to attend grad school at Tech.
On the ferry - I remember staring out into the water as the sun set thinking "somewhere out there is the man of my dreams" and for a moment I wondered what he was doing and where he was. Clueless that he'd soon walk into my life or rather I’d walk into his at a coffee shop (he was there before me). So after I returned, I was a bit surprised when we ended up chatting for a bit on facebook.
That chance encounter/chat on facebook led to us meeting up and having a friendly cup of coffee at a local Austin coffee shop. At the time, I had no idea where that cup of coffee was going to lead and at first, we remained just friends. He shared a bit of his life with me and me with him. But our communication slowly began to increase and the conversations seemed longer and at times a bit more in-depth...
I didn’t realize that my feelings had changed until I had some life drama and the first person I wanted to call was him not because I had feelings for him necessarily but because I found value in his friendship. That’s when I realized that he was more than just a friend....that he was someone I wanted to share my life with but I wasn’t quite sure how he felt.
We had already planned to spend some time together at the start of the New Year but a friend of mine unexpectedly invited me to visit Austin with her and her husband before our scheduled visit. I remember texting him to see if he'd mind seeing me two weekends instead of just one. Lol....and I remember how elated I was to read his response.
And so it was set - he'd meet me and my friends, and then he and I would have dinner alone and then he'd return me to my friend. usually when it comes to things like that (first dates) - I tend to be a bit formal and guarded in what I call "on-stage" Laura - not quite the laid back, silly girl some of my friends know well. But for some reason I found his presence relaxing (that hasn’t changed even now). It was like I had an open invitation to just be me. And so that's how it started....a relaxed dinner where I slouched (something I seem to do only when I’m extremely comfortable).
It was easy to share with him and over the course of dinner things changed between us and over the course of the weekend we became more than just friends. It seems strange to me the things that I remember - for instance I remember being nervous about seeing him the following weekend after we decided to see each other exclusively.
Our road has been interesting since then...and we've had many laughs over silly things we've said or done...I’ve even witnessed him as he busted out in random dance (one of my favorite memories of him)! Lol.
My life wouldn't have been the same if he wasn’t in it. I’m grateful for that....grateful for the way he challenges me and the ways that he's caused me to grow.
My relationship with him has caused me to reflect on my past and the moments where I was wounded and had healed but realized I hadn’t completely let go. Sometimes you want to hold on to those moments as if to say "look at my war wounds/hear my story"...but reliving those moments too often can make you bitter and angry...
Takes me back to the ferry going to Patras. I remember letting go of my anxieties concerning the future. I made a choice to bravely face what was to come and to give it my best. I think the same goes for letting go of old wounds. It’s best to watch them peacefully and willingly float away - letting them be just a memory no longer empowered by presence.
I think that's what I most cherish about where I live and how my life is lived. There’s the abundance availability of peace. I come home to a quiet apartment that is comfortable and warm and have beautiful people in my life that embrace me in truth, love, and comfort. Reminds me of drinking hot chocolate on a cold winter day that it warms your soul. Similar affect....and the same goes with Ricardo.
I’ve been trying to blaze through this time but now see it with a new pair of eyes as something to be cherished and used wisely. I think so often in life we work and work to get to the next season or the next level that we fail to stop and see the beauty in the current one.
I can say that that is where I’m at. Taking a few moments to enjoy life in the present...letting go of the past and allowing the future to come when necessary but walking in the now and taking in every moment.
The song I posted below has no relevance to the posting just something I was listening to as I wrote this latest episode. I will say that there's amazing beauty in living life drama free...the word I’m working with this week is transparency and diligence...that may be my next posting.
Headed home for a few days. Hoping to get in at least a couple of runs at KOA but we shall see...depends on whether or not the little ones (nephews) wear me out. I’m determined to get my parents tree and lights up though...
I love Christmas...love this time of year....sad that I’m missing carol of lights but looking forward to some hot chocolate and good conversation with friends back home. Love abounds sometimes in ways we don’t understand or can’t see.
Life has taken some really unexpected turns in the last year. Kind of obvious to be reflective at this time of year. At the same time in less than five months, I'll be embarking on another new journey that hopefully will lead me to a new part of the state. Hopefully closer to my sweetie...
So I don’t even know really where to begin. School for once does not feel quite as overwhelming as it has in the past and maybe that has something to do with the fact that I’m working and have a special someone in my life.
Life also has taken on new meaning and that's primarily due to all the things that have happened in this last year. I find it amazing how life's circumstances change you and change how you view the world. Not talking in a bad way necessarily but I think regardless of what you face you just gotta know who you are and keep your head up.
You might be misunderstood, mistaken, misread...in the end the people who really love you will take the time and effort to try and find you out. Get to the core of what you mean or who you are or what you're trying to convey. Can’t say that that effort relieves you of being responsible for your communication. No it means you gotta be real to those you find in your inner circle.
There was a point and time when I was too concerned with what others thought and I felt that concern start to shift around the time I left to Italy. I think Italy was liberating in that sense and it gave me the courage I needed to face my first semester in a new town. Allowed me to root myself apart from my family and existing circles.
I cant say that everyone in my life has been happy about that but in the end, I’m living this life and when I stand before the creator - I alone will give an account for what I've done with what I’ve been given - no one else will stand with me...and so people can say this or that and think this or that but in the end I think what really matters is knowing I did what I could with what I had. Doesn’t mean I’m exempt from making mistakes.
I think sometimes people fear mistakes as failure but I think it’s the willingness to get up from the mistakes that defines true success. I’m not saying that I purposely set out to make mistakes, in fact, I’d rather avoid them. Takes me back to a quote given to me: "wisdom is learning from experience preferably not your own."
That’s one of the things that I’ve seen changed most. In the course of my life I’ve been leading in one way or another and for the first time in a long time, I’m not leading anything. It’s been odd and awkward but what I’ve learned from that experience is that sometimes you need to learn to be a follower because sometimes you just aren't suited for a particular position and it takes both leaders and followers to make organizations work. Anything new will be awkward at first but then you begin to find your place....
So this time of my life is about being a student...it hasn’t been easy for sure.
Trying to balance school, work, family, and my relationship with Ricardo. I can say that I’m blessed in that my family is close and values education so I’ve had alot of support from them. Ricardo has been pretty amazing as well and I’m glad that we share those similar values.
The difficulty has come in balancing time...because he and I live so far apart - it creates challenges if you will...but at the same time, I don’t think I would change any of it. I think it's been necessary...not liked... but beneficial to us both.
I’ve begun the great job search as all graduates eventually embark upon. Can’t say it’s been fun but interesting to see all the opportunities out there. I know the right one will open up at the right time so I’m patiently waiting.
At the same time, I think this is a unique time in my life and one that I shouldn’t rush through. I’m taking a two week break at the end of the semester to spend with family and friends and of course, I’ve carved out some special time with Ricardo as we celebrate our one year anniversary.
Where Ricardo is concerned - the journey has been pretty amazing - not just in that I find it completely amazing to see how to people make a relationship work but in how people share their lives with one another in a way that no other two people in the world have. It’s unique to that experience and in that I find a true beauty. it hasn’t been "walks in the park" at all times as we both bring our own set of challenges to the table...but it’s been insightful in that I’ve learned more about myself in this year than I ever thought was possible.
I can remember sitting on the ferry going from Brindisi to Patras the summer of 2009 - just before Ricardo entered my life. You see, he's not a new fixture that I just stumbled upon, but someone who came into my life way back in 1997. Then after a summer and some miscommunication, he departed...it sometimes goes that way, no? I think it wouldn’t have worked out between us if we had become more than friends. No I think we were best left as friends wanting more at the end of summer of '97.
I had stumbled upon him prior to my departure to Italy on facebook but had no contact with him. He wasn’t in my thoughts as I was in Italy/Greece. No, I was taking in the experience with a fresh set of eyes and excitement and what I was thinking about was my upcoming move to attend grad school at Tech.
On the ferry - I remember staring out into the water as the sun set thinking "somewhere out there is the man of my dreams" and for a moment I wondered what he was doing and where he was. Clueless that he'd soon walk into my life or rather I’d walk into his at a coffee shop (he was there before me). So after I returned, I was a bit surprised when we ended up chatting for a bit on facebook.
That chance encounter/chat on facebook led to us meeting up and having a friendly cup of coffee at a local Austin coffee shop. At the time, I had no idea where that cup of coffee was going to lead and at first, we remained just friends. He shared a bit of his life with me and me with him. But our communication slowly began to increase and the conversations seemed longer and at times a bit more in-depth...
I didn’t realize that my feelings had changed until I had some life drama and the first person I wanted to call was him not because I had feelings for him necessarily but because I found value in his friendship. That’s when I realized that he was more than just a friend....that he was someone I wanted to share my life with but I wasn’t quite sure how he felt.
We had already planned to spend some time together at the start of the New Year but a friend of mine unexpectedly invited me to visit Austin with her and her husband before our scheduled visit. I remember texting him to see if he'd mind seeing me two weekends instead of just one. Lol....and I remember how elated I was to read his response.
And so it was set - he'd meet me and my friends, and then he and I would have dinner alone and then he'd return me to my friend. usually when it comes to things like that (first dates) - I tend to be a bit formal and guarded in what I call "on-stage" Laura - not quite the laid back, silly girl some of my friends know well. But for some reason I found his presence relaxing (that hasn’t changed even now). It was like I had an open invitation to just be me. And so that's how it started....a relaxed dinner where I slouched (something I seem to do only when I’m extremely comfortable).
It was easy to share with him and over the course of dinner things changed between us and over the course of the weekend we became more than just friends. It seems strange to me the things that I remember - for instance I remember being nervous about seeing him the following weekend after we decided to see each other exclusively.
Our road has been interesting since then...and we've had many laughs over silly things we've said or done...I’ve even witnessed him as he busted out in random dance (one of my favorite memories of him)! Lol.
My life wouldn't have been the same if he wasn’t in it. I’m grateful for that....grateful for the way he challenges me and the ways that he's caused me to grow.
My relationship with him has caused me to reflect on my past and the moments where I was wounded and had healed but realized I hadn’t completely let go. Sometimes you want to hold on to those moments as if to say "look at my war wounds/hear my story"...but reliving those moments too often can make you bitter and angry...
Takes me back to the ferry going to Patras. I remember letting go of my anxieties concerning the future. I made a choice to bravely face what was to come and to give it my best. I think the same goes for letting go of old wounds. It’s best to watch them peacefully and willingly float away - letting them be just a memory no longer empowered by presence.
I think that's what I most cherish about where I live and how my life is lived. There’s the abundance availability of peace. I come home to a quiet apartment that is comfortable and warm and have beautiful people in my life that embrace me in truth, love, and comfort. Reminds me of drinking hot chocolate on a cold winter day that it warms your soul. Similar affect....and the same goes with Ricardo.
I’ve been trying to blaze through this time but now see it with a new pair of eyes as something to be cherished and used wisely. I think so often in life we work and work to get to the next season or the next level that we fail to stop and see the beauty in the current one.
I can say that that is where I’m at. Taking a few moments to enjoy life in the present...letting go of the past and allowing the future to come when necessary but walking in the now and taking in every moment.
The song I posted below has no relevance to the posting just something I was listening to as I wrote this latest episode. I will say that there's amazing beauty in living life drama free...the word I’m working with this week is transparency and diligence...that may be my next posting.
Headed home for a few days. Hoping to get in at least a couple of runs at KOA but we shall see...depends on whether or not the little ones (nephews) wear me out. I’m determined to get my parents tree and lights up though...
I love Christmas...love this time of year....sad that I’m missing carol of lights but looking forward to some hot chocolate and good conversation with friends back home. Love abounds sometimes in ways we don’t understand or can’t see.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
getting down to the wire
i'm just now past the half-way mark in terms of the fall semester. hard to believe that more than 8 weeks has passed since the start of school and monday will find us in November.
NOVEMBER!
where did the time go? it seems like yesterday I was buying books for the fall semester (at a small fortune at that!). Now, I'm less than 6 weeks to go with the end in my sights! not yet breathing the all-too-familiar sigh of relief - that will have to wait.
the fall semester had an interesting start and brought a new set of challenges. it also marked a year that i've been in my current city and though I didnt spend much time here during the summer....i've come to appreciate what is now my home. i realize it's not permanent and all too soon i'll be packing up this place and moving somewhere new.
i can say that this city has been good for me. it was good to be close to my family for the duration i was but that was a season of its own. This time is a new season. i'd been torn between family and school almost feeling like i was leaving my family for school. it made the last year hard and with alot of home-sick moments.
this last year has been a year of growth and as hard as it has been, i'm appreciative. appreciative because i was able to see things i'd never though imagineable...able to try new things and see new things...and understand new things.
i fell in love with what i do and know i'm in the right place at the right time. from the moment Dr Huerta spoke the words "i'm looking for students who see healthcare as a calling," I got it...and it resonated deep within. it was the door i'd been waiting for and now it was finally opened.
so timidly, i stepped through the doorway and i've not looked back since.
i've been busy since then working an internship with a children's clinic: working on grant projects/funding proposals, quality improvement projects, and learning the inner workings of a clinic. my work has been part-time and if i had any regret it is that i wish the position was full-time. not because of pay or benefits or anything like that...but simply because i feel there are pieces i miss when i'm away. i absolutely respect the administrators i've gotten to work with and their insight and knowledge has opened up a new realm to me that i find really fascinating. they are the teachers and i am the student. i try to soak up as much as i can and trust me there's lots to learn.
my class schedule is a bit odd...for the fall semester my core classes were divided into mini-semesters...so i had for 8 weeks the second the next 8 weeks. meaning - i have three hours completed already. my health organization course is being conducted executive-style so we meet only two weekends in the semester...the second class meeting is coming up in a few short weeks and on the final day of class we will be testing for our Six Sigma Green Belt Certification. (AGH!) i also have human resource management and we meet one night a week...so i have just five more class meetings and two of those are for presentations...yes..the semester is coming to a fast close!
i register next week for the spring - MY FINAL SEMESTER! (AGH a second time!!!) lol. i'll have 13 hrs and the schedule looks pretty nice for now.
what's next?
your guess is probably as good as mine...i applied to one FELLOWSHIP....yes just one. why? this particular fellowship starts June 2011 and is with an organization i'm interested in working with. I'll know in the next few weeks whether i made the first cut in the selection round. if not....then i have an option to stay where i'm at and work and apply for a fellowship starting in Jan 2012 or to look for something full-time somewhere else...its not really time to make that decision so i'm not thinking to much about it.
for me, in my life, these kinds of things usually happen very quickly...dont know exactly how to explain it but when the right opportunity reveals itself - then the process of getting there is usually escalated. as always, i'll have done my homework and figured out my options before then...just to be prepared...but until then...my plans are just speculations nothing set in stone.
as for family...well i'm not going to say much here other than my mom is doing much better and my bro-in-law should be home soon (from his latest and hopefully last surgery!). i have alot of respect and love for both my parents. i've seen them do things that go beyond my own understanding of abilities but that's because they're parents and as of yet, i am not. i can say that their love and support has been amazing...even in crisis they manage to maintain a peace and composure that i learn from every day. at the same time, alot has changed and as usual i wont get into the details but just to say i think it's ok. not good, not bad....its ok...in alot of ways its been liberating.
for the first time, i see what my parents want for me and why they do or say the things they do...and i see where it comes from. for that i'm grateful...and while i may not always choose what they want or do what they think i should....they give me freedom to make those choices for myself. i'm doubly grateful for that...i think this understanding has made our relationship stronger in a way i cant describe. watching my mother recover from the summer has been an experience as well and i realize just how fragile we are....so, i'm trying to make the most of every moment given to me and to spend my time with the people i love most. spend my energies where they count the most....cant' say i've been completely successful but each day is a new opportunity to try...
i'm not going to speak to any specific situation here...but just to say that sometimes we judge people without really knowing them or their intentions...and we assume certain things as facts that may come from third parties that may or may not know or have the correct perspective about things that are happening. unfortunately, i can say that this has occurred in my life...it saddens me in a number of ways. at the same time, you can’t make people love you, can’t make them understand or see where you are coming from because once they've determined things are what they think they are...its almost next to impossible to convince them things are other than what they are determined to think...and i feel it’s pointless to try but also feel if they aren't willing to seek out the truth then do they really genuinely care about you?
as for the love of my life...we've had our moments as any relationship does...
what i can say is that he challenges me to be better and in so many ways and has helped me to see life through new lenses...gone are the rose stained glasses i'd been trying so hard to get rid of...sometimes we want to kid ourselves and pretend things are what we want them to be...its harder to see things as they really are. i can say that with mr casillas - its easier to see things as they really are and while some of the things i've been through have been beyond words - he's been amazingly incredible to see me through them. he's honest in a refreshing way and more than anything i've learned the beauty in resolution.
we are alike in many ways and in so many others he is my complete opposition. i've found that he brings a necessary balance to my life that at first i tried to fight and have now come to relish.
of course...when i want to tromp off and throw a frying pan at someone - he, the calm one, calls me back to sit and take deep breaths and talk through my feelings....oh the irony! lol...i love him for it...and yes there are moments when i want to throw a frying pan at him (and he knows this)...but lovingly and patiently he talks me through it until we come to an amicable resolve. who knew fighting could be so civilized!?! lol! come this january, he and i will close in on our year anniversary! i hope this only the first of many more to come...
alright dear ones....i'm driving bright and early and as usually i'm burning the midnight oil..maybe i should change the title of my blog to that....that seems to be when i write most of my blogs to begin with!
ah...i failed to mention washington, dallas, memphis, and chicago...i will in the next post which will be in a few days and not a few months! I promise!
life is too beautiful to waste of the shoulda', coulda', woulda's....but a little reflection now and thing keeps things in perspective...its the mile markers that keep us headed in the right direction.
NOVEMBER!
where did the time go? it seems like yesterday I was buying books for the fall semester (at a small fortune at that!). Now, I'm less than 6 weeks to go with the end in my sights! not yet breathing the all-too-familiar sigh of relief - that will have to wait.
the fall semester had an interesting start and brought a new set of challenges. it also marked a year that i've been in my current city and though I didnt spend much time here during the summer....i've come to appreciate what is now my home. i realize it's not permanent and all too soon i'll be packing up this place and moving somewhere new.
i can say that this city has been good for me. it was good to be close to my family for the duration i was but that was a season of its own. This time is a new season. i'd been torn between family and school almost feeling like i was leaving my family for school. it made the last year hard and with alot of home-sick moments.
this last year has been a year of growth and as hard as it has been, i'm appreciative. appreciative because i was able to see things i'd never though imagineable...able to try new things and see new things...and understand new things.
i fell in love with what i do and know i'm in the right place at the right time. from the moment Dr Huerta spoke the words "i'm looking for students who see healthcare as a calling," I got it...and it resonated deep within. it was the door i'd been waiting for and now it was finally opened.
so timidly, i stepped through the doorway and i've not looked back since.
i've been busy since then working an internship with a children's clinic: working on grant projects/funding proposals, quality improvement projects, and learning the inner workings of a clinic. my work has been part-time and if i had any regret it is that i wish the position was full-time. not because of pay or benefits or anything like that...but simply because i feel there are pieces i miss when i'm away. i absolutely respect the administrators i've gotten to work with and their insight and knowledge has opened up a new realm to me that i find really fascinating. they are the teachers and i am the student. i try to soak up as much as i can and trust me there's lots to learn.
my class schedule is a bit odd...for the fall semester my core classes were divided into mini-semesters...so i had for 8 weeks the second the next 8 weeks. meaning - i have three hours completed already. my health organization course is being conducted executive-style so we meet only two weekends in the semester...the second class meeting is coming up in a few short weeks and on the final day of class we will be testing for our Six Sigma Green Belt Certification. (AGH!) i also have human resource management and we meet one night a week...so i have just five more class meetings and two of those are for presentations...yes..the semester is coming to a fast close!
i register next week for the spring - MY FINAL SEMESTER! (AGH a second time!!!) lol. i'll have 13 hrs and the schedule looks pretty nice for now.
what's next?
your guess is probably as good as mine...i applied to one FELLOWSHIP....yes just one. why? this particular fellowship starts June 2011 and is with an organization i'm interested in working with. I'll know in the next few weeks whether i made the first cut in the selection round. if not....then i have an option to stay where i'm at and work and apply for a fellowship starting in Jan 2012 or to look for something full-time somewhere else...its not really time to make that decision so i'm not thinking to much about it.
for me, in my life, these kinds of things usually happen very quickly...dont know exactly how to explain it but when the right opportunity reveals itself - then the process of getting there is usually escalated. as always, i'll have done my homework and figured out my options before then...just to be prepared...but until then...my plans are just speculations nothing set in stone.
as for family...well i'm not going to say much here other than my mom is doing much better and my bro-in-law should be home soon (from his latest and hopefully last surgery!). i have alot of respect and love for both my parents. i've seen them do things that go beyond my own understanding of abilities but that's because they're parents and as of yet, i am not. i can say that their love and support has been amazing...even in crisis they manage to maintain a peace and composure that i learn from every day. at the same time, alot has changed and as usual i wont get into the details but just to say i think it's ok. not good, not bad....its ok...in alot of ways its been liberating.
for the first time, i see what my parents want for me and why they do or say the things they do...and i see where it comes from. for that i'm grateful...and while i may not always choose what they want or do what they think i should....they give me freedom to make those choices for myself. i'm doubly grateful for that...i think this understanding has made our relationship stronger in a way i cant describe. watching my mother recover from the summer has been an experience as well and i realize just how fragile we are....so, i'm trying to make the most of every moment given to me and to spend my time with the people i love most. spend my energies where they count the most....cant' say i've been completely successful but each day is a new opportunity to try...
i'm not going to speak to any specific situation here...but just to say that sometimes we judge people without really knowing them or their intentions...and we assume certain things as facts that may come from third parties that may or may not know or have the correct perspective about things that are happening. unfortunately, i can say that this has occurred in my life...it saddens me in a number of ways. at the same time, you can’t make people love you, can’t make them understand or see where you are coming from because once they've determined things are what they think they are...its almost next to impossible to convince them things are other than what they are determined to think...and i feel it’s pointless to try but also feel if they aren't willing to seek out the truth then do they really genuinely care about you?
as for the love of my life...we've had our moments as any relationship does...
what i can say is that he challenges me to be better and in so many ways and has helped me to see life through new lenses...gone are the rose stained glasses i'd been trying so hard to get rid of...sometimes we want to kid ourselves and pretend things are what we want them to be...its harder to see things as they really are. i can say that with mr casillas - its easier to see things as they really are and while some of the things i've been through have been beyond words - he's been amazingly incredible to see me through them. he's honest in a refreshing way and more than anything i've learned the beauty in resolution.
we are alike in many ways and in so many others he is my complete opposition. i've found that he brings a necessary balance to my life that at first i tried to fight and have now come to relish.
of course...when i want to tromp off and throw a frying pan at someone - he, the calm one, calls me back to sit and take deep breaths and talk through my feelings....oh the irony! lol...i love him for it...and yes there are moments when i want to throw a frying pan at him (and he knows this)...but lovingly and patiently he talks me through it until we come to an amicable resolve. who knew fighting could be so civilized!?! lol! come this january, he and i will close in on our year anniversary! i hope this only the first of many more to come...
alright dear ones....i'm driving bright and early and as usually i'm burning the midnight oil..maybe i should change the title of my blog to that....that seems to be when i write most of my blogs to begin with!
ah...i failed to mention washington, dallas, memphis, and chicago...i will in the next post which will be in a few days and not a few months! I promise!
life is too beautiful to waste of the shoulda', coulda', woulda's....but a little reflection now and thing keeps things in perspective...its the mile markers that keep us headed in the right direction.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Chicago
Like my buddy Jeff Peters once said, "rock on chicago!"
Chicago was good....i planned on writing a whole excerpt but unfortunately, i got to working on homework and now its late. I have a super early morning flight! (UGH) so I must get to sleep...will post once I've recouped.
i'll be home in the next 12 hrs.
Chicago was good....i planned on writing a whole excerpt but unfortunately, i got to working on homework and now its late. I have a super early morning flight! (UGH) so I must get to sleep...will post once I've recouped.
i'll be home in the next 12 hrs.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
a few more days...
three more days and I'll add another year to the number of years i've been on this earth. i'd like to say i'm joyful in facing this occasion but after the event's of this summer, i'd gladly settle for something inconspicious. to say the summer has been rough would be an understatement and while on the surface it seems that life is regaining a balance: in my gut i can feel the pendulum shift in the opposite direction.
i've been given a brief reprieve from the demands of higher education. brief in that Aug 16 i get to enjoy "enhancements" and sit through close to 48 hrs of "workshops." a nice way to spend what's left of my summer break. and while i'm not complaining at least i'm trying not to...i know all too soon summer breaks will be gone for most of my life. in other words the workforce beckons.
just two more semesters left and then my career will take another turn in a new direction. i've had to make some major decisions to preserve quality of life and to accomodate my educational load. school's the priority for the moment and finishing is not an option at this point.
i have quite a bit on my mind but nothing that has been sorted out and ready for discussion. just to say i'm beyond relieved that school is out for now. it has been one of the most intense semesters of my educational career and much of it has to do with my specific program. i wasnt the only one feeling the heat/strain of the workload. my cohorts are all breathing easier tonight.
one of our requirements was to obtain a certification as a consultant with an on-line electronic health records system. we had just ten days to do that. i know that in the end, the intensity of the program will be beneficial and for the first time i feel like i found something i was meant to do. so in that there is a satisfaction and joy.
at the same time, i dont doubt that this is why i'm where i'm at and why its taken me so long to get here. i've done alot of traveling this summer mostly out of necessity due to family circumstances so i've had lots of time to think and contemplate. time to sort through issues and situations. no easy answers of course but as grandma ivy said, "expect if you follow the roots, you'll find him."
i'm currently working through seeing past the "storms of my life" and working to see the benefits of the rain. its sometimes hard to see in the midst of the chaos...but lucky for me, in my neck of the woods, we've had much rain. and ironically enoughly seeing something in the literal has helped me understand it metaphorically.
its odd to see this part of the state so green at this time of year. in any other year, it would be dry, brown, and mostly barren...but here we are in the midst of a mild summer and the fields are green and pools of water are collected in fields.
on one trip back, i was actually detoured because of the excess of water...metaphorically i found it interesting. though at the time it was a major incovenience as i was on my way back to take a final. what i took from that experience is that life is going to bring detours...roadblocks...situations...difficult people....but do you turn around and go back home? no....
instead, i busted out the gps and figured away around the detour...sure it took longer to get to my destination because it was a two lane road lined with semi's....but the point isnt about when i got there it was that i figured out a way to get there...am i better for the detour...may be not immediately but you never know when you'll need to know about that "road" because of another life circumstance.
i cant undo the events of the summer...cant undo how i got here....and in some situations i fear its too late to change the destination of the path now set upon. but those are the choices we make...the choices people in my life had made...i'm powerless over the choice of others but when it comes to my own its completely different.
sometimes life lessons are difficult and sometimes they cause pain...but just like the summer...this season in life will pass....and it wont be about what i felt in the immediate but about what i walked away with. what are those lessons i took with me. in hindsight, i think we always wish we would've made different choices or done things differently...but as i read a friends semi-blog earlier today..its those choices that make us who we are...they put us in situations to see things differently...situations that give us new perspective or new appreciation.
i look at seaons in my life in that manner. i think at times we dont really know what we do to one another or how our actions can affect others. if i walked away with anything from the summer it would be "dont leave the table with things unsaid." in other words the people who mean most to you, should know what they mean to you... life is too short to be spent on issues that in the grand scheme of things mean little...and definitely not worth spending efforts or energies on petty issues.
so feeling like a beat up boxer, i'm getting back up and going to make a go of life again...sure the bruises hurt and some wounds are still mending...but they'll mend...
while i was driving, i was hit with the word resilient. i dont know where it comes from but somehow, resilience allows us to rebound in life and get another shot at the things left undone.
i dont know what this fall is going to shape into. just know that all i can do is make the best choices i can each day...live to the best of my abilities with what i have and what i know...and though people will judge and people will say what they want...its inner peace and knowing you've done all you can in that day...that allows you to face new tomorrows...
i need this next week for respite care not just from the physical toll this summer has taken but also from the spiritual, mental, and emotional toll. ironically, its been my work wth my internship which has given me hope for the semester to come. many thanks to the people in my life who've been true in love and to say the things that needed to be said. like john mayer sings, "say what you need to say."
though i more than likely will not get the opportunity, my ideal vacation would be a few hours on the beach by water with a good book. something about water that i find very relaxing and calming....for now, i'll settle for some time with a good book. it might just be the break my mind, body, and soul are looking for.
maybe in my dreams ... as sleep in the moment is quite necessary. peaceful sleep that is. gonna do the best i can to have some "real down time" in the next few days...for now...
I'm "put your brave face on" in the search for roots...
i've been given a brief reprieve from the demands of higher education. brief in that Aug 16 i get to enjoy "enhancements" and sit through close to 48 hrs of "workshops." a nice way to spend what's left of my summer break. and while i'm not complaining at least i'm trying not to...i know all too soon summer breaks will be gone for most of my life. in other words the workforce beckons.
just two more semesters left and then my career will take another turn in a new direction. i've had to make some major decisions to preserve quality of life and to accomodate my educational load. school's the priority for the moment and finishing is not an option at this point.
i have quite a bit on my mind but nothing that has been sorted out and ready for discussion. just to say i'm beyond relieved that school is out for now. it has been one of the most intense semesters of my educational career and much of it has to do with my specific program. i wasnt the only one feeling the heat/strain of the workload. my cohorts are all breathing easier tonight.
one of our requirements was to obtain a certification as a consultant with an on-line electronic health records system. we had just ten days to do that. i know that in the end, the intensity of the program will be beneficial and for the first time i feel like i found something i was meant to do. so in that there is a satisfaction and joy.
at the same time, i dont doubt that this is why i'm where i'm at and why its taken me so long to get here. i've done alot of traveling this summer mostly out of necessity due to family circumstances so i've had lots of time to think and contemplate. time to sort through issues and situations. no easy answers of course but as grandma ivy said, "expect if you follow the roots, you'll find him."
i'm currently working through seeing past the "storms of my life" and working to see the benefits of the rain. its sometimes hard to see in the midst of the chaos...but lucky for me, in my neck of the woods, we've had much rain. and ironically enoughly seeing something in the literal has helped me understand it metaphorically.
its odd to see this part of the state so green at this time of year. in any other year, it would be dry, brown, and mostly barren...but here we are in the midst of a mild summer and the fields are green and pools of water are collected in fields.
on one trip back, i was actually detoured because of the excess of water...metaphorically i found it interesting. though at the time it was a major incovenience as i was on my way back to take a final. what i took from that experience is that life is going to bring detours...roadblocks...situations...difficult people....but do you turn around and go back home? no....
instead, i busted out the gps and figured away around the detour...sure it took longer to get to my destination because it was a two lane road lined with semi's....but the point isnt about when i got there it was that i figured out a way to get there...am i better for the detour...may be not immediately but you never know when you'll need to know about that "road" because of another life circumstance.
i cant undo the events of the summer...cant undo how i got here....and in some situations i fear its too late to change the destination of the path now set upon. but those are the choices we make...the choices people in my life had made...i'm powerless over the choice of others but when it comes to my own its completely different.
sometimes life lessons are difficult and sometimes they cause pain...but just like the summer...this season in life will pass....and it wont be about what i felt in the immediate but about what i walked away with. what are those lessons i took with me. in hindsight, i think we always wish we would've made different choices or done things differently...but as i read a friends semi-blog earlier today..its those choices that make us who we are...they put us in situations to see things differently...situations that give us new perspective or new appreciation.
i look at seaons in my life in that manner. i think at times we dont really know what we do to one another or how our actions can affect others. if i walked away with anything from the summer it would be "dont leave the table with things unsaid." in other words the people who mean most to you, should know what they mean to you... life is too short to be spent on issues that in the grand scheme of things mean little...and definitely not worth spending efforts or energies on petty issues.
so feeling like a beat up boxer, i'm getting back up and going to make a go of life again...sure the bruises hurt and some wounds are still mending...but they'll mend...
while i was driving, i was hit with the word resilient. i dont know where it comes from but somehow, resilience allows us to rebound in life and get another shot at the things left undone.
i dont know what this fall is going to shape into. just know that all i can do is make the best choices i can each day...live to the best of my abilities with what i have and what i know...and though people will judge and people will say what they want...its inner peace and knowing you've done all you can in that day...that allows you to face new tomorrows...
i need this next week for respite care not just from the physical toll this summer has taken but also from the spiritual, mental, and emotional toll. ironically, its been my work wth my internship which has given me hope for the semester to come. many thanks to the people in my life who've been true in love and to say the things that needed to be said. like john mayer sings, "say what you need to say."
though i more than likely will not get the opportunity, my ideal vacation would be a few hours on the beach by water with a good book. something about water that i find very relaxing and calming....for now, i'll settle for some time with a good book. it might just be the break my mind, body, and soul are looking for.
maybe in my dreams ... as sleep in the moment is quite necessary. peaceful sleep that is. gonna do the best i can to have some "real down time" in the next few days...for now...
I'm "put your brave face on" in the search for roots...
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
with a grain of salt
sometimes things you'd never expect to happen: happen. i can pretty much say that's been my whole summer. if I could characterize the summer in one word, I'd use "traumatic." as if the workload for school wasnt enough which has been way more than any of my individual semesters since 2007 including the 18hr in-class with 12 hrs online semesters, life dealt my family some additional blows.
i keep hearing in my head "what doesnt kill you makes you stronger" and it scares me because my reaction is immediate "what is coming down the pike that could be worse than this that i need preparation for?" ok i'm not asking that question cause then God will only bring about those events that would answer that question...God i can gladly wait...i used to say that i wasnt really stunned by life events. i mean my dad's a pastor so i've pretty much seen and heard it all...well after the last month or so i can say that is mostly true.
saving grace has come in the form of people who love in spirit and in truth. that's all i can say. i'm so ever glad for those relationships. they've been a God-send. its allowed me to see past the mess of words and to see what's really important and for me its always been my family. to some it may not appear that way, but to those who know me best you know, well you know differently.
i cant exactly say that i'm surprised by the last round of events. unexpected for sure...but i feel a bit cynical saying that i was waiting for it. i mean...we all have people in our lives that uhhhmmm..deal in drama. and not just deal in it but rather live in it. i've been trying to cut the drama out of my life and its not been an easy task. i've learned this mostly from my dad who is completely non-dramatic and from ricardo, my significant other, who is cool as a cucumber. it amazes me...and that really is an understatement.
i also realized that these two men are in my life for a reason and its humbling. the summer has been full of hard lessons but lessons i'm grateful to learn. from previous experiences i know these lessons will come back for a time of application. i also know that you always reap what you sow...so i'm work at sowing better stuff. not always easy but it really does make us better people and at least for me, it lets me sleep at night.
i cant undo the wrongs of my past but at the same time i refuse to let people in the outer fringes hold me to those mistakes i've worked hard to move past and beyond. what is in the past is in the past. it cant be changed, can't be undone which is why i'm keeping my mouth shut. in the end there are few opinions i worry about and those that i do, i know exactly where i stand and when the sun sets that's really all that matters to me.
i can say that i'm so glad my mom's doing better and thanks to all of you who have been praying for her. i know she's impacted so many of your lives and if you've ever spent time at my house then you spent at least 30 minutes talking with my mom. for many of you, she learned your whole life story in about 15 minutes cause that's the kind of lady she is.
we're hoping and praying that the summer will end on a better note than what we started with. what more...we pray fall would be....boring! it would be a nice break. but this is how life goes, no? in seasons...some good, some not so good....a friend of mine posted on facebook the other day..."when life throws you lemons....don't just make lemonade......open up an aquas frescas on the south side and cash in...."
i keep hearing in my head "what doesnt kill you makes you stronger" and it scares me because my reaction is immediate "what is coming down the pike that could be worse than this that i need preparation for?" ok i'm not asking that question cause then God will only bring about those events that would answer that question...God i can gladly wait...i used to say that i wasnt really stunned by life events. i mean my dad's a pastor so i've pretty much seen and heard it all...well after the last month or so i can say that is mostly true.
saving grace has come in the form of people who love in spirit and in truth. that's all i can say. i'm so ever glad for those relationships. they've been a God-send. its allowed me to see past the mess of words and to see what's really important and for me its always been my family. to some it may not appear that way, but to those who know me best you know, well you know differently.
i cant exactly say that i'm surprised by the last round of events. unexpected for sure...but i feel a bit cynical saying that i was waiting for it. i mean...we all have people in our lives that uhhhmmm..deal in drama. and not just deal in it but rather live in it. i've been trying to cut the drama out of my life and its not been an easy task. i've learned this mostly from my dad who is completely non-dramatic and from ricardo, my significant other, who is cool as a cucumber. it amazes me...and that really is an understatement.
i also realized that these two men are in my life for a reason and its humbling. the summer has been full of hard lessons but lessons i'm grateful to learn. from previous experiences i know these lessons will come back for a time of application. i also know that you always reap what you sow...so i'm work at sowing better stuff. not always easy but it really does make us better people and at least for me, it lets me sleep at night.
i cant undo the wrongs of my past but at the same time i refuse to let people in the outer fringes hold me to those mistakes i've worked hard to move past and beyond. what is in the past is in the past. it cant be changed, can't be undone which is why i'm keeping my mouth shut. in the end there are few opinions i worry about and those that i do, i know exactly where i stand and when the sun sets that's really all that matters to me.
i can say that i'm so glad my mom's doing better and thanks to all of you who have been praying for her. i know she's impacted so many of your lives and if you've ever spent time at my house then you spent at least 30 minutes talking with my mom. for many of you, she learned your whole life story in about 15 minutes cause that's the kind of lady she is.
we're hoping and praying that the summer will end on a better note than what we started with. what more...we pray fall would be....boring! it would be a nice break. but this is how life goes, no? in seasons...some good, some not so good....a friend of mine posted on facebook the other day..."when life throws you lemons....don't just make lemonade......open up an aquas frescas on the south side and cash in...."
Thursday, July 15, 2010
the unexpected
i never thought that my spring semester would be preparation for the marathon race i'm running now in the summer.
one family crisis right after another....
i've gotten alot of, you're under alot of stress right now, but honestly...i'm mean in sincere honesty: my sentiments reside somewhere between "roll up your sleeves and dig deep" to "we just have to do what we have to do." To some it may seem cold/calculating...but it's not trust me. It's more along the lines that my emotional tank is on empty and so rationale has taken the reigns.
not to mention, in crisis, something inside me kicks on and I shift into "look out for everyone" mode. maybe it has something to do with being a first born and all the opportunities in leadership. it's an innate part of my being. so there's no time for falling apart (in my mind). and honestly...i have a peace about the situation.
these last few months have had so many ups and downs, you'd think we'd spent the summer at six flags.
no, its just life.
the summer started with a mini-vacation to san antonio...on my way back, a delinquent decided to throw a rock/brick threw my driver-side window and steal my ipod. I make it back to the panhandle and life was starting to settle...
unexpectedly, one of my uncles passed away...from there life has thrown us one curve ball after another.
i had to deal with crazy changes with financial aid...and not in a good way...due to the way my graduate program is set up, I'm considered a part-time student this semester because I have 5 hrs and had 7 last...so even though I have 12 overall and am full-time...those pesky 5 hrs put me at part-time status which affected my grant amounts. i was not a happy camper about that....
so during that whole ordeal, my mom had surgery. She was in her second week of recovering when i found out i received a $4,000 scholarship from the National Society of Hispanic MBA's - Austin Chapter. Of course that was a major bright spot in my day! my mom reminded me of how God blesses our hard work. I have to agree....
had a great visit this last weekend with good friends and the person for whom I have hearts in my eyes for! LOL....while visiting, I got word that a good, close friend's grandpa had passed away.
and then the next bump in the road, if you will, arrived yesterday with my mom's visit to the ER monday evening and then later admittance into the hospital. She's in the intermediate care unit with congestive heart failure and possible pneumonia. so back to the hometown I go. lots of going home as of late...might need to chew on that for a bit....
I'm not frazzled like some would think I would be...no, i've got peace about this. and not that I know how any of it will turn out...i just know that if God has seen me through one rough and tumble semester/year...that in the end it's gonna be ok. we may not get the results we want but despite that...we have to be thankful.
i could choose to sit and wallow in the tragedies of yesterday....sit in the mourning...fail to see the blessings...but i've chosen different for myself and for my family. and I chose a long while back....time is much better spent appreciating the blessings of now....i can't give credit to myself but only to God...who has shown me immeasurable things...beyond my wildest imagination and if he can make a silly dream like "touring Italy" come true....and can change your path in an unexpected way that leads to joy....then yes...anything is possible with Him. He's given me more than I deserve and I know that its because of His unconditioinal love for each of us.
I understand it now because unconditional love has some powerful meaning in my life today. I realized that there are some things in my life that I'd not yet surrendered...and spending time tied to those things is draining and exhausting...i understand what is mean by the "truth shall set you free."
itunes is on random shuffle..."Adonai" just started....irony/coincidental...no, I think not.
here's the link so you can listen for yourself...
one family crisis right after another....
i've gotten alot of, you're under alot of stress right now, but honestly...i'm mean in sincere honesty: my sentiments reside somewhere between "roll up your sleeves and dig deep" to "we just have to do what we have to do." To some it may seem cold/calculating...but it's not trust me. It's more along the lines that my emotional tank is on empty and so rationale has taken the reigns.
not to mention, in crisis, something inside me kicks on and I shift into "look out for everyone" mode. maybe it has something to do with being a first born and all the opportunities in leadership. it's an innate part of my being. so there's no time for falling apart (in my mind). and honestly...i have a peace about the situation.
these last few months have had so many ups and downs, you'd think we'd spent the summer at six flags.
no, its just life.
the summer started with a mini-vacation to san antonio...on my way back, a delinquent decided to throw a rock/brick threw my driver-side window and steal my ipod. I make it back to the panhandle and life was starting to settle...
unexpectedly, one of my uncles passed away...from there life has thrown us one curve ball after another.
i had to deal with crazy changes with financial aid...and not in a good way...due to the way my graduate program is set up, I'm considered a part-time student this semester because I have 5 hrs and had 7 last...so even though I have 12 overall and am full-time...those pesky 5 hrs put me at part-time status which affected my grant amounts. i was not a happy camper about that....
so during that whole ordeal, my mom had surgery. She was in her second week of recovering when i found out i received a $4,000 scholarship from the National Society of Hispanic MBA's - Austin Chapter. Of course that was a major bright spot in my day! my mom reminded me of how God blesses our hard work. I have to agree....
had a great visit this last weekend with good friends and the person for whom I have hearts in my eyes for! LOL....while visiting, I got word that a good, close friend's grandpa had passed away.
and then the next bump in the road, if you will, arrived yesterday with my mom's visit to the ER monday evening and then later admittance into the hospital. She's in the intermediate care unit with congestive heart failure and possible pneumonia. so back to the hometown I go. lots of going home as of late...might need to chew on that for a bit....
I'm not frazzled like some would think I would be...no, i've got peace about this. and not that I know how any of it will turn out...i just know that if God has seen me through one rough and tumble semester/year...that in the end it's gonna be ok. we may not get the results we want but despite that...we have to be thankful.
i could choose to sit and wallow in the tragedies of yesterday....sit in the mourning...fail to see the blessings...but i've chosen different for myself and for my family. and I chose a long while back....time is much better spent appreciating the blessings of now....i can't give credit to myself but only to God...who has shown me immeasurable things...beyond my wildest imagination and if he can make a silly dream like "touring Italy" come true....and can change your path in an unexpected way that leads to joy....then yes...anything is possible with Him. He's given me more than I deserve and I know that its because of His unconditioinal love for each of us.
I understand it now because unconditional love has some powerful meaning in my life today. I realized that there are some things in my life that I'd not yet surrendered...and spending time tied to those things is draining and exhausting...i understand what is mean by the "truth shall set you free."
itunes is on random shuffle..."Adonai" just started....irony/coincidental...no, I think not.
here's the link so you can listen for yourself...
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Life lines
funny how life brings circumstances that will cause you to literally stop and have quiet moments you need. the spring semester was plagued with out-of-control allergies. with the help of my hometown physician, we were finally able to get things under control and now im working towards eliminating allergies with an immuniologist. again apologies for the spelling...mine is atrocious.
i was so excited that summer would bring rest and relaxation only to find the complete opposite of that. its been one drama after another and while at times i sometimes feel overwhelmed, i've not completely fallen off my rocker. in fact, i can say that for the most part i've approached everything with as much positive energy as possible. i've also worked to keep things in perspective because some things you can change and some things you just can do nothing about.
so...while visiting my parents, someone decided to throw a brick/rock threw my driver side window and stole my ipod. so i spent the next day filing a police report and found out several vehicles in the area were hit and then had to have the window replaced. after the window was fixed we found something else wrong which caused a delay in the repair....and caused me to spend an additional day in my hometown.
at the end of that week, i got a call from my mom that my uncle had passed away. Life turned into a whirlwind of activities as my mom and her siblings made funeral arrangements and prepared for the days to come. while saying good-bye to a love one is never easy, the events of that followed culminated in a peaceful good-bye. its unfortunate that an event like that can bring together family but im glad that we were together. my mom's side of the family attended from all over the state with cousins coming from odessa and pecos and phone calls from family members sending their condolences. I can say that we were blessed with the outpouring of love and support.
the funeral was simple which is befitting of my uncle. after the burial service, the family made their way over to my grandmothers gravesite which was only a few rows away. we know that my uncle is at peace and in a better place.
then my mother already had surgery scheduled for today. i've spent most of the day at the hospital. its given me some much needed time to stop and read and get caught up on school work. did i mention i have 8 hrs right now? yeah....fun...
i'm staying with my mom overnight and then headed back to lubbock for class on sat then back to angelo to help care for my mom. she did well and the family is making arrangements to help with her recovery. will be 6 to 8 weeks before she's fully recovered. cant say enough about the love and support shown by friends and family. its meant alot.
as always, keeping my head up knowing that the stuff life throws your way can only make you stronger. challenges are never easy but they sure do test you and push you to limits you didnt know exist. at the end, being pushed is what makes us better people and gives us a better understanding of unconditional love, grace, and mercy....
i was so excited that summer would bring rest and relaxation only to find the complete opposite of that. its been one drama after another and while at times i sometimes feel overwhelmed, i've not completely fallen off my rocker. in fact, i can say that for the most part i've approached everything with as much positive energy as possible. i've also worked to keep things in perspective because some things you can change and some things you just can do nothing about.
so...while visiting my parents, someone decided to throw a brick/rock threw my driver side window and stole my ipod. so i spent the next day filing a police report and found out several vehicles in the area were hit and then had to have the window replaced. after the window was fixed we found something else wrong which caused a delay in the repair....and caused me to spend an additional day in my hometown.
at the end of that week, i got a call from my mom that my uncle had passed away. Life turned into a whirlwind of activities as my mom and her siblings made funeral arrangements and prepared for the days to come. while saying good-bye to a love one is never easy, the events of that followed culminated in a peaceful good-bye. its unfortunate that an event like that can bring together family but im glad that we were together. my mom's side of the family attended from all over the state with cousins coming from odessa and pecos and phone calls from family members sending their condolences. I can say that we were blessed with the outpouring of love and support.
the funeral was simple which is befitting of my uncle. after the burial service, the family made their way over to my grandmothers gravesite which was only a few rows away. we know that my uncle is at peace and in a better place.
then my mother already had surgery scheduled for today. i've spent most of the day at the hospital. its given me some much needed time to stop and read and get caught up on school work. did i mention i have 8 hrs right now? yeah....fun...
i'm staying with my mom overnight and then headed back to lubbock for class on sat then back to angelo to help care for my mom. she did well and the family is making arrangements to help with her recovery. will be 6 to 8 weeks before she's fully recovered. cant say enough about the love and support shown by friends and family. its meant alot.
as always, keeping my head up knowing that the stuff life throws your way can only make you stronger. challenges are never easy but they sure do test you and push you to limits you didnt know exist. at the end, being pushed is what makes us better people and gives us a better understanding of unconditional love, grace, and mercy....
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