While we are three...

Our weekend was hectic....but it was very much about living with no regrets. We spent time with friends and family continuing on with life but taking some moments to celebrate it. 

We're spending as much time with Ms Fancy as possible. 

Today, she we threw her a celebration party with doggie cake and treats! We had a great time and pretty sure Ms Fancy enjoyed it. She's been making the rounds visiting friends and family and we took photos with her. The one above is going to be with us for the remainder of our lives. 

I can't write too much about what we're feeling without getting that lump in the back of my throat. 

Fancy's surgery is scheduled for Wed and while we're anxious to get it over with, we also are dreading it. It could bring some much needed relief for Fancy but could also leave us even more broken-hearted. We know she is not comfortable and Wed we should know if it's the lymphoma or bladder stones.

Tough weeks...

We've had a lot of things pulling at us in terms of jobs, family, etc but I think we're going to quietly focus on Ms Fancy. 

We know there are bigger things happening around us. We're trying to be cognizant of those things and to be present. 

We've been so incredibly blessed by amazing friendships and family. Our time with them this weekend very clearly emphasized that point. Our lives have been impacted by Fancy and her undeniable loving essence. Our lives are better for having her in them! 

I can't help but think of the circle of life from Lion King. One of our good friends brought her new baby and I was so overjoyed to hold her! She's precious and very much a reminder that life ever evolves. My nephews called me as well and we broke the news of Fancy's illness to them. My oldest said well is the surgery going to make her better and I said for some time but she's very sick. My youngest says could she die? I said yes, she will likely die sometime soon... My oldest "oh that's very serious..." My youngest nephew, "but Mimi she'll go to doggie heaven and be happy!" Me: "yes, she will" and I smiled at their young and innocent perspective. 

I'm considering picking them up and spending some time with them. I'd like them to see Ms Fancy and I know they love her so.

Life continues...

Our youngest nieces turn 3 this month. Oh so struggles they had arriving into this world...but tonight! We witnessed some very 3 year old behavior. I told my husband "uhhhh lets rethink that baby business!" But in fairness my sister-in-law has two at once! They're adorable and they are talking a ton. One of them reminded me that we are buying her a Daniel the Tiger Cake and chocolate peas! I told my husband, we should appoint our nieces and nephews as long as we can...

Next Wed, we will be at a birthday party celebrating these girls! 

Thinking about their journey makes me extremely grateful. Their story could've ended so differently but here they are. Wednesday we will celebrate! 

Of course next Thursday is Thanksgiving. We have so much to be thankful for...these holidays will be bittersweet. But I am grateful for my partner in this life. Or first year of marriage has been incredible. It has not been all sunshine and roses but we've grown and we've grown together. And even in the midst of the rain and storms I find incredible comfort in knowing I've shared and will continue to share this journey with this man that I love so.

We will take some time to quietly celebrate our paper anniversary at the start of the new year.

...I'm gonna lose you

I'd been meaning to post for a while. I haven't really found an opportunity to be still with my thoughts to write. 

We moved in May and then the summer always bring a bevy of birthday celebrations. I blinked and it was Labor Day. There's been a flurry of activity between birthdays, family, and events. Toss in work and some major changes and suddenly you find its Nov and you're now 2 weeks away from Thanksgiving. 

The last few weeks have found us focused on our beloved dog, Ms Fancy. 

Oh Ms dear sweet Fancy...

She had a procedure done last week and we'd been waiting on results. Monday we got the phone call we had hoped to never receive. 

We already knew Fancy has bladder stones and that surgery would be required to remove them. The outstanding question for us was "would she be a suitable candidate?" 

Monday told us she likely would not be because she was formally diagnosed with lymphoma. 

My husband and I, along with our inner analysts, immediately began researching what that diagnosis meant. We quickly came to a grim conclusion and that is that we don't have much time with her.

Understandably, our hearts were and are broken. They will be for some time. We know it and we're at peace with what's to come. 

Most definitely doesn't make it any less painful. The last few days have been spent researching options, making plans, and rethinking the next few months of our lives. 

We also quickly set an appointment with our vet to discuss our options and confirm what we've already read. 

Today was that appointment. 

Fancy is a sweet girl. She loves people, loves going for rides, and loves food! There's nothing like see her little ears flapping in the wind and she rides in the back seat of our car with her head out the window. That's when she's happiest.

We could run her through oncology therapy but we'd only be positing the inevitable. This cancer will eventually become drug resistant. There's no cure. So this process became about understanding the disease and its process.

Our first set of question focused on managing her pain. We've had a tough several weeks. I won't go into the details but she's had a number of accidents. She stresses easily and she also knows when her humans are upset. 

Today's vet visit was tough. 

We asked all the hard questions we knew we had to ask. We'd already decided we would not put her through an oncology protocol. 

Surprisingly, our vet did recommend surgery for her bladder stones. Because we want her passing to be as painless as possible, we opted to go through with the surgery. The stones make her very uncomfortable. If not treated will eventually lead to complete blockage and then kidney failure. By the time we know her kidney's have stopped functioning, she will be in immense pain and her kidney failure will lead to death.

The things we don't know include how far the cancer has spread and what stage she is in. We'll know in part after her bladder stone surgery.

Life expectancy of lymphoma without any course of treatment is between 4 weeks to 3 months from the date of diagnosis. We're closing in on three weeks by the time she'll have her surgery. She'll have a two week healing period and then go on a steroid protocol to try and give her time to get through the holidays. 

It's a long shot but we feel like we owe it to her to minimize her pain. Ricardo and I decided that the moment she no longer wants o go for rides or is willing to accept a snack will be the time to let her go. I've heard you'll know when it's the right time and I pray that is true.

I've posted Megan Trainor's "Like I'm Gonna Lose You". While it was meant to describe a relationship between two humans...it fits our sentiments now.

We're going to love her like we're gonna lose her because we know that someday soon we will. 

My parents have always said you should celebrate life with those you love when they're alive. Why wait until they're dead? It's too late then...and so that's how I've lived life and approached love. It can be gone in a blink of an eye. 

We've decided to celebrate her now and not to wait until she's gone. I'm going to start a new blog for her. I've always found writing to be therapeutic but I also want to document our memories of her.

Ricardo and I will celebrate a year of marriage this coming Jan...a year ago, I could've never have imagined we'd find ourselves here. Whether she's with us or gone, this anniversary will be bittersweet.

There's a lot more I'd like to say but I'll pace myself. For now, trying to cherish each moment. Ricardo and I are working to establish a new routine as Fancy requires increased care. 

It's a new season...one I wish we didn't have to walk thru but if we have to, I'm grateful to have my partner, friend, and love to walk thru it with. 

This is the stuff of life...physical death was meant to be painful. We recognize that and we're bent of loving Fancy with no regrets. This season will soon pass and we know the day will come when we will be able to think about her without tears filling our eyes. We'll be able to laugh and remember all the joy she brought to our lives and we'll be grateful for this time with her. 

We know there are lessons to be learned and there's a grieving process that is both difficult and natural. As tough as it is, we've decided to embrace. And when the time comes, we let her go with dignity and grace. We'll hold her paw through that process and do whatever is within our power to let her know just how much she is loved. 

beyond measure...

Tonight, I'm joyfully preparing for my best friend's baby shower. She sent me a text last night to let me know some mutual friends had delivered their newborn, a beautiful baby girl! My feed as of recent has been full of announcements of deliveries or of expectant deliveries. I can't tell you how joyful that makes me for our friends and family members.

I don't have children. I've never been one of those women who lived my life to be a mom. I don't see anything wrong with that desire and I'm not opposed to it...it just was never very strong on my radar. I chalk it up to how I was created, how God designed me. I've certainly never been one to not celebrate the arrival of a new little one. The way they smell, how tiny they are, I marvel at creation, marvel at God's infinite wisdom in designing us...but there has always been a bit of hesitancy and relief as I return that little one to his or her mommy/daddy. I've never completely understood it...the hesitancy...I think until now.

Tonight - in the midst of a diaper cake, clipart, corsages, centerpieces; I took a moment to read a post. I stopped to read this particularly profound post because a friend of mine's name was attached to it.

She was a college mate of mine in grad school and we were project partners at one point. We became friends on facebook and like so many of you, I've followed her life transition post-grad school. I rejoiced for her when she finished pharmacy school because through my own sister, I knew what a challenge that was. When she announced she was expecting a little one, I was once again thrilled for her because it was her first-born. So of course I said a prayer for her when she posted her and her husband were awaiting the arrival of her baby boy, David, from the hospital!

Having recently married, Ricardo and I have had several of conversations about children...even before we married. Is it the right time? Are we ready?

There have a been plenty of selfish questions as well: Do we want to change our lifestyle? Are we prepared for sleepless nights? What about the expense? What about traveling? Can we financially afford to have a baby right now? What bout daycare...in the midst of a move to a new city, a new job?


I have several friends who have for reasons known or unknown delivered babies who never drew their first breaths on earth or drew their last, moments or days after their delivery.

We often want to say that we can't imagine what they are going through. There's a fallacy in that because I think we could. We may never truly understand or know the pain unless we've experienced it ourselves.

I'm an aunt to two little ones. I love those boy's more than I could ever imagine possible. They taught/continue to teach me about unconditional love. I could never compare it to the love their mother has for them...it's different, but it's deep and because I don't have children of my own - it's the only experience I can draw from. My heart hurts when they're sad...hurts when they're hurt...and in their short 10 and 7 years on this earth, they've taught me more about adult responsibility than I ever thought possible.

If you've had children or if you haven't - maybe you have nieces or nephews, maybe both: if you've waited for little ones to arrive and experienced the deep profound love that grows as your little one does, then you don't want to imagine the kind of pain that comes in losing a child...but I think you could certainly understand the depth of it.

My friend's son, David Maddux Moonjian, was called from our life to join God in Heaven on September 15, 2015. They go on to say:

In faith, we believe God has a greater plan for our baby boy in His design of our lives. Although we struggle as parents in accepting God’s plan we are comforted in knowing David will only know the love we shared for him as expecting parents and the love of family and friends awaiting his arrival in all our lives.

Just one week ago...seven days...I believe in the significance of numbers. Seven being representative of completion and perfection.

Creation Day 7 (Genesis 2:1-3)
God rests. This in no way indicates He was weary from His creative efforts, but denotes that the creation is complete. Further, God is establishing a pattern of one day in seven to rest. The keeping of this day will eventually be a distinguishing trait of the God’s chosen people (Exodus 20:8-11).

After reading my friends post, I've decided to stop asking those questions. My husband and I had already decided that if we should get pregnant then so be it and if not then the Lord has other plans for us. I believe that the Lord will give to us (child/ren) when He deems we're ready and whether we have what we need or not, He'll supply. He always has...and if He blesses us with a baby, I promise to look at our child with very different eyes...to be thankful, grateful, and present...


To my friends who have said 'good-night' to their little ones: we think of you and pray for you often!

I pray the Lord continues to be your comfort and give to you what you need in those moments you need it most!

For Eleanor, David M, and so many more:

There seem to be so many friends of mine and Brian that have either recently had babies, are soon to have babies, or will probably be expecting babies in the future. This is my plea to you:

There will be times your child will scream and cry any time you try to put him or her down. Or they'll cry even as they're in your arms and you've done everything you can possibly think of to get them to stop. There will be sleepless nights, multiple diaper changes in a matter of minutes, spit up in your hair, pee on your shirt, and poop in your hands, and again - so much screaming from the baby, and probably from you as well. Every time that happens, every time you feel frustrated and want to run away, please remember my story:

My sweet, sweet Eleanor Josephine was born sleeping September 11th. I went to bed the night of the 10th, and she was kicking away. I woke up, and she wasn't. I couldn't find the heartbeat on the home doppler. I knew. I just knew. I didn't want to know...I wanted to be mistaken, but I knew.

We went to Labor and Delivery immediately, praying the whole way there. They tried the doppler - nothing. Before they put the ultrasound wand on me, they ran the heartbeat monitor over my belly - nothing. My heart was sinking fast, and I remember thinking "This can't be happening...this is just a dream...this can't be happening...They'll find something on the ultrasound...just *something*." But these were feeble hopes, because again, I knew. I could tell they knew, too, but no one said anything until Brian (who was parking the car) got there. I could tell they were delaying, "Oh, the ultrasound machine sometimes takes a while to boot up." "I think there's something wrong with the wand...." Finally, Brian was there, they did the ultrasound, and there was silence as they all exchanged nervous glances. Finally one of them matter-of-factly said, "Hi Natalie, I'm Doctor ______ (I don't remember her name, but you don't want to know what I call her in my head). I'm sorry...there's nothing there." I keep having flashbacks to that moment. It's a crippling, all-consuming feeling of utter suffocation, and a memory that will haunt me for the rest of my life. In that moment, I felt trapped as if the ceiling was literally crashing down on top of me. I couldn't breathe, lashed out, I screamed, I threw things, I threw up...and then a piece of me died with her. I was helpless to change anything. My body was supposed to keep her safe, and instead it killed her. I was 40w6d.

A couple of hours later, I was induced. They offered me an epidural, but I couldn't do it. I needed to own it. I needed the pain, the agony, and misery to mirror what I felt in my heart. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. Ever. Dealing with the unbearable contractions, the ring of fire, the tearing...knowing that all of it was for nothing. I was delivering a lifeless child. There would be no happiness at the end of it to help me forget the pain. The pain, unlike my baby girl, would live on forever.

Then finally, after those hellish hours of labor, she was placed on my chest - gorgeous, but lifeless. There was no reason to expect that first little cry from her. Instead, it was me who sobbed. I begged her through my tears to wake up: "Please wake up, baby girl...please, wake up. Why won't you cry for mommy? Please, please, please....just wake up."

She was beautiful. She was perfect in every way. I love her so much, and the devastation I felt, and still feel, cannot even begin to be described. We got to spend 6 hours with her. We took hundreds of photos. A photographer from "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" came by and took even more. We bathed her, we brushed her hair, we held her, kissed her, and told her how much we loved her. And I apologized over and over again for failing her. Oh, how I failed my beautiful baby girl.

They offered to allow us to say the night, but I couldn't stay there any longer. I couldn't bear the thought of leaving my daughter, either, but I knew I was just prolonging the inevitable. As time went on, she was looking less and less like the flawless child that I brought into this world. I couldn't keep watching her deteriorate in my arms. I knew she couldn't feel any pain, but I was feeling it for her, and I had reached my breaking point. I wanted to die with her.

Around 11:30pm, we said our final goodbyes. As I stood over her and spent those last few minutes with her, blood was cascading down my legs and onto the floor. I didn't care - my womb was crying. Everything about me was crying. Watching them wheel her away broke me. My life ended then and there. They wheeled me out of the hospital and I screamed the entire way.

Monday was the funeral, and we had to go through the whole thing again. Seeing her one last time (my legs gave out from under me at first sight), singing to her, touching her cold, lifeless face, telling her how much we loved her, and me, apologizing over and over again for not being able to protect her. It was a small, intimate ceremony - 9 people total. Immediate family only. We all took turns blessing her. And once again, we said our goodbyes.

Everyone gave my husband and I one last moment with her, just the three of us. And when we were done, he and I walked arm in arm down the aisle, as our family held the doors open for us as the end of the room. I flashed back to our wedding day as we walked down the aisle as husband and wife and the doors were held open for us. The memory was such a cruel juxtaposition to the current reality. Our wedding march was joyous. This was a nightmare, this was morbid, this was wrong. Everything about it was wrong. I can still see that tiny box draped in a white cloth that held her tiny body. I had to leave her there in that cold, empty room; all alone all over again. It's a nightmare that just won't end.

I say all that to say this: my womb, my heart, and my arms are empty. There are going to be so many of you who have babies who are going to cry every time you try to put him or her down. Or they'll cry for no reason even if you're holding them and you've fed them, burped them, changed them...everything. And inevitably you're going to cry too, because you will feel so helpless and so frustrated and so clueless, and you'll want to scream, "Why won't you stop crying?!" You're going to be exhausted and angry and fed up and all you're going to want in this world is just a little time to yourself so you can sleep or shower or or eat whatever. People will tell you to just let them cry it out, that you'll otherwise just be spoiling them, as if you can spoil a child with too much love. Feel free to slap those people for me.

But please just remember, while you're awake at 3am because you have a baby in your arms keeping you up that late, I'm up at 3am because I don't. And I would give anything in this world to have a baby spitting up on me, being colicky for all hours of the day and night, screaming, not letting me put her down, cracking my nipples from breastfeeding, keeping me up all night. Instead, I have a stitched nether region, painfully engorged breasts no baby will suckle from, a flabby stomach, an empty womb, and blood that will continue to pour out of me for who knows how many more weeks. As if her death and birth wasn't traumatic enough, I still have to live with the physical effects all these many days later.

All I ask of you is when you have your dark moments with your baby - when you're at your wits' end and feel like you can't go on anymore when you're only getting an hour or two of sleep a night - instead of begging your child to go to sleep and wallowing in your frustration and exhaustion, say a prayer of gratitude for your child, as difficult as it may be in that moment. And if you would, say a prayer for me and all the mothers whose children were taken from them too soon. Say a prayer for my sweet, sweet Eleanor who never got to know life outside my womb.

Please. Do it for Eleanor. And do it for her mommy who loves her and misses her beyond measure.

At heart I'm a musician, immediately several songs came to mind.  I've posted them below.

Going back

Taking it back with an ol'skool jam.....ok so two songs...





It has been a long while since I've posted one of these: early march to be exact. I had to look to see when I last posted. I had promised myself I would get back to writing but life occurred. One thing after another....Ricardo and I got an offer we could not refused so we found ourselves in a new city at the start of summer.

With the move came packing and all the activities of relocation. Everything seemed to lay itself out for us making the transition somewhat seamless. I mean a move to another city is never completely seamless. We are not far from where we were living but it's still a bit of an adjustment to a new city with a new temperament. We are still adjusting but seem to be settling in though we miss our beloved Austin. (Never thought I'd ever, ever say that!)

I started a new role and Ricardo transferred in his current role to a new work location. So in essence he's still doing the same thing just in another office in a different city.

Things have definitely changed but overall I think it was good for us, especially as newlyweds. We're both away from both our families which can present challenges and we're not sure how we're going to work out holiday's just yet. We'll cross that bridge when we get there....

so that was the start of our summer: a new city, a new job...

Summer has been about exploration. Learning this new city we call home but also in creating our home as a newly married couple. It is different...and i'd love to tell you that marriage has been roses and candy but let's be honest. It's probably the hardest thing either one of us will ever do besides becoming parents....and no that is not on the horizon anytime soon.

Ricardo and I are both realist. I'm the optimist, he's the logical thinker. Somehow, someway it works for us. There are times when our stubbornness and strong-willed ways work against each other but we work through whatever the difference is. What I love most about Ricardo is that he's not crazy emotional, irrational...he's like a rock. I mean that in the best way possible. His approach is very much, we're adults we can talk about this, it doesn't have to get crazy...and so that's how it goes. Now there are times when I can get crazy and times when yes he get's a bit crazy but we're pretty good about balancing each other out and usually one of us is grounded and rational and the other falls in line after some discussion. But let's be really, real...I'm usually the one that's unreasonable...simply because as I like to call it; I'm passionate...passionate to a fault. Then comes along Ricardo with his reasonable rationale and sort of bursts my bubble. Not always but its a pretty skewed distribution. He's like a string on a kite. Keeps me from being carried away by the wind because sometimes I get lost or distracted from the larger scheme of things.

that is why we work...it's how I know God loves me because he sent me this person that I need so very much in my life. He has his moments of craziness and we spent alot of our time laughing. Laughing with each other or at each other or at ourselves....because we do silly things sometimes.

He's got a tough skin too and I think to be married to me you'd have to have tough skin. I've always said I'm not for the faint of heart.

He's helped me come a very long way in the terms of tolerance, grace, and yes mercy...he's much more merciful than I am. but in all the ways that he balances me, I also balance him.

I think marriage is an evolution...there's a constant ebb and flow...very similar to life. I think of where I was 10 years ago and I never could imagine we'd be blessed in the ways that we have. Never thought there'd be a "we" much less a Ricardo.

But here we are....establishing our life together. it's been good, very good.

the summer brought many birthdays including our own and now we march on towards the holidays and our first anniversary.

exciting times...exciting times...

I do

Where has the time? One minute we're planning a wedding and in the throes of madness, the next two months have passed! I have mixed feelings about posting photos on a public forum. So the one I've posted is of us during our ceremony. It was crazy and chaotic but at the end of the night, we were married and celebrating with our nearest and dearest family and friends. 

The road leading up to our wedding day was sheer votility. If already told myself to "brace myself" for the inevitable wrong going...and it seemed everything was on target until my hair and makeup went awol. You can imagine my disposition...luckily, our amazing planners gave us some recommendations and by Friday appointments were set. But then my amazing fiancé forgot to check on our licensing requirements, hence failing to note the 72 hour requirement! 

That's when I lost my marbles, it seemed to be too much at once and the weather was just horrible. So bad that my folks had to leave a day later...and my dream of an outdoor wedding was dashed.

Well long story shorty, thanks to a former band mate Clay Searsy, we had our waiver and a license, family had arrived, and all was well by the rehearsal dinner!

Because of that crazy insanity, I never got to organize the decor the way I wanted and I think I realized Friday night that at the end of the day, it didn't matter. 

My sister surprised me with an amazing evening with my bridesmaids, cousins, and close friends! By the next morning, I was ready to get the show on the road! 

So I go to my hair appointment and almost walked out looking like Deb from Napoleon Dynamite...I made her change it and it was all too reminiscent of a hairdo I had for Kristy Caudillo's wedding and was very 50's on top! All I gotta say is that my cousin Amy works miracles! My new makeup artist was amazing and our photographer was stunning! The day went by so quickly that one minute I'm shooting a bridal portrait and the next I'm being whisked away in a golf cart (driven by my sister) and ready to walk down the isle. 

What remains in my mind is the ceremony and the cake! And of course my new hubby! We were both relieved when it was done! It was such an amazing day and we were so honored by our guests presence. We had a blast and while there will always be things we'd do differently the one thing I would not do differently is marrying my best friend and partner in life! 

Life is hard and challenging but I'm grateful for this man as we walk together in life. more than anything, as we said our  i do's, I was completely certain that the Lord brought him into my life! 

It's hard to explain but like my brother once said about my folks, Ricardo is my peanut butter to my jam! 

Today we've been married two months! Two months! It's been good and challenging at moments but we're both in this for the long-haul...we're both human and we both err from time to time but I'm ever grateful for our marriage counseling and the reminder that commitment, along with passion and intimacy are how love works in a marriage!

From a different view...

Written several weeks ago:

The wedding madness is in full effect. Add to it work related stresses and the holidays and you've got a recipes for a "perfect storm."

Yeah I'm being dramatic.

Mainly the one thing I wish I had know before heading down this road is that there are a ton of decisions to make so pace yourself! It's almost overwhelming to the point I don't evenike to pick out what I'm going to eat at a meal. :(

Sure it's all holly jolly when you're at tastings for catering and eating those mouth watering cakes....but then real life sets in. Things like budgets, guest list limitations, resource restraints, vendor requirements, and opinions...lots of them. 

They're all well-meant but weddings bring out the crazy in people. I'm included. 

Things have been very hectic and crazy at work and I've been feeling like there's just not enough time in the day. Then I'd come home and put in another few hours of work and a few hours of wedding planning; five hours of sleep and back at it again.

My body had enough last week and almost shut down on me. I've been fortunate that weekends have been mostly quiet but they're about to ramp up.

Showers, holidays, vendor walk-thrus...and that doesn't account for my work, work that needs to be done. We're going through some reorganization and that's always a bit stressful.

bittersweet

I  just finished wrapping up some stuff for work and for my dad for my grandfather's funeral. The reality finally set in today. The only word I know to describe this moment in life is bittersweet. I oscillate between moments of joy and excitement for Ricardo and I to having a heavy heart as we prepare for my grandfather's home-going service.

Seems odd that "reunited" is playing on my iphone..it's on shuffle and that always produces odd results.

After receiving the news yesterday, I started making arrangements to be gone this week. I needed to wrap up a few slides for a presentation tomorrow and finished up the grant review. I have a call in the morning but should be home free after. The review in itself was grueling...then add the work week events; the week took everything out of me.

Ricardo's proposal did brighten the week but Sat grounded us quickly. After packing last night and finishing up this morning, Ricardo and I toured a venue with his family. It was nice to not think about what's to come for just a moment...we've set a date and there's alot to be done before then so my mind isn't necessarily in a place of "oh let's go have some fun.." but more of, as my sister said, "we gotta get this show on the road!"

Speaking of road, Ricardo drove me to meet my folks so I could spend the rest of the week with them. I think they were relieved to have someone here. My dad and I are the "crisis-control" members of the family. We tend to make the arrangements, think through the plans, and get everyone coordinated. So its a bit odd that while my dad continues in this role, it's his dad that has passed. He seems to be doing ok...we've had a long talk about mourning and the process of death.

He's been working on the funeral arrangements and I'm helping him with the administrative tasks like typing up things and working through the order of the service. Our worship leader is leading music for at least one of the services if not both and I'll be playing so there's been alot to think through. Been putting together a few set lists and thinking through song selection. hence the reason, why I'm up at this hour...that and I tend to be something of an insomniac.

I want to be sensitive regarding the discussion of my grandfather. I miss him...and tonight my mom and I were going through our old photos. It was good to walk down memory lane...if all else, the style of clothing completely cracked me up...I'm sure my children will say the same about us someday.

I know I've written about the appreciate I have for my grandparents. I've been thinking through the concept of being a Leyva. Maybe its coupled by the fact that I'll be taking Ricardo's name soon, but he and I have been discussions about whether I'd hyphenate or take his name completely dropping mine. We're not gonna discuss that here...I've already heard from both sides of the isle and honestly....I don't think it should be anyone's opinion regarding what I decide to do.

The though on my last name, led me to consider the legacy my grandfather has left us. My next blog will relate to that topic though I don't wish to "flesh" it out here. I feel I need to share those thoughts with my dad before making them public. The point of today's post is more that life takes us on crazy turns....we never know what's coming around the bend.

No matter what you do and how well you prepare, you never really know how prepared you are until you walk through it. I don't question the why of my grandfather's passing or even the timing. I know that all things have a purpose and happen according to God's timing. I'm ok with that....

I think the greater importance is how we walk through these trying moments. I've been to funeral services where it seemed the message was that if you were sad or cried that you were lacking in your faith....I don't believe that....and I think its a tragedy to the opportunity we have to testify to God's goodness.

It's easy to praise God when things are good and when they look good...but what about when you're truly in that place of difficulty, strife, trouble, and being down-trodden. I think about that often because yes, we love my grandfather and we miss him now and will continue to miss him. We'll each grieve in our own way...some more heavily than others. He knew the Lord and had made his peace and because so I believe my grandfather is in heaven.

I believe that his funeral should be a celebration of his life and a service to celebrate his final home-going. Will we laugh, likely...will we cry, for sure...will we hurt, i'm certain we will.

Death was meant to be painful. Without Christ/God, its an eternal separation. It's a separation of the spiritual from the physical. We'll no longer be in the physical presence of my grandpa. He's gone....transformed into a new body and in the celestial.

Ironically, its when I think of his transformation into the spiritual that I tear up most....death was meant to be painful. It hurts and cuts in ways that no words could ever give justice to....and it will be with you until you finally make it home as well. It may hurt less but it will be with you.

My grandmother on my mom's side passed over 15 years ago. Yet, I miss her still...miss the crazy things she said and did. She also knew the Lord and because of that, I know I'll see her one day.

This is where I believe our mourning differs as believers. We do not mourn without hope because we know that we will meet again. We know our loved ones are in Glory. They are in a place that is beautiful...full of light and of peace. In that we find comfort.

So while tears may fall from our faces, they are bittersweet. They are a manifestation of the pain we feel in the physical but an expression of the hope we have in the spiritual.

The Lord called my grandpa home...it was his time and i believe it fully with all my heart as much as I believe that I'll see him again someday.

"No llores por me..."

This week has been an emotional roller coaster. Work has been insane with a lot of changes. Mostly, the issues I've been dealing with are related to growing pains. I've been spending a lot of my time putting out fires or assisting with solutions. Nothing that's bad just a bit time consuming. I left work Friday with two major presentations to finish developing for a presentation Monday morning.  I'm also wrapping up my third grant review. I had two applications to finish comments.

Needless to say, when I came home on Wed - I was stressed far beyond anything I've experienced in my career/life. I was literally at the point where I didn't care and couldn't care. So I came home and barely said three words to Ricardo. 

This man always knows how to make my world better. Little did I know he had something up his sleeves. The short version is that he presented me with cupcakes to which I squealed with delight but then he was on his knee (which I wasn't completely aware of until after the fact) presenting me with a ring and asking me to be his wife! How could I refuse? I squealed again. If you know me, you know that squeals are saved for super exciting moments! I'm not a squealer!

And so we are now engaged! 

Friday night we had dinner with his cousin and her husband and had a great time. Ricardo's cousin will be assisting us with wedding coordination and I couldn't be happy! She's definitely my kind of peoples! I'm a little OCD when it comes to party planning so I feel very relieved knowing details the day of will be in very capable hands!

So today the plan was to wrap up the grant review and work. I was plugging away when I got a message from my mom this afternoon shortly after 2:15 that  stunned and shocked me. I'd been going back and forth with my mom discussing wedding details. Around 2 pm here txt messages notified me that my parents were with my grandmother and my grandfather was being taken to the hospital. Things like this have happened before and I didn't consider the seriousness. My mom said he'd declined in the last week but he'd given us scares before and pulled through. But everything took a turn by 2:30. By then, my grandfather had passed. We've known for some time that he was nearing the end of his life and we've been preparing for the last year or so. 

I spent the rest of the afternoon trying to wrap up what needed to be done and have spent the last few hours packing to be gone the remainder of the week. 

Funeral services and his final home-going will be Tues and Wed. I have a lot of mixed emotions and while it hasn't quite hit me; I know the next few days will be tough. My folks had already told me that my grandparents wanted me to play at the funeral so I'm headed home tomorrow to help my dad with the funeral services.

Family will start pouring in over the next few days as well. 

I'm grateful for my grandfather's life and celebrating his legacy will be bittersweet. I have fond memories with he and my grandmother. I'm grateful for all the moments I was afforded with both of them and for their wisdom and courage. 

My heart is heavy for my grandmother and my aunt, uncles, and dad. My grandfather lived a long life. I know it was his time and I know he's in heaven tending to some chivos, standing under a tree chewing on some sugar came, and conversing with Jesus. 

He's free from pain, free in a new body, and he's in peace. 

Thanks to those who have sent their condolences and who are praying for us and over us in the days to come. We mourn with hope and it's my prayer that his life be celebrated in a way that honors the life he lived. Life is but a vapor...and while his physical body may be gone; I know we each carry his spirit in us.

While I'm excited about the engagement, I also know how important those life lines to my family are. I'm grateful for a job and boss that allow me to be gone and be with my loved ones. I'm thankful for Ricardo and his understanding that allows me to be gone to tend and be with my family. It means more than anyone could ever know and for that reason I accepted his offer to be his mate for the rest of our lives. 

My grandparents were approaching their 65th anniversary. I hope to have their longevity in marriage. I watched my grandmother faithfully care for my grandfather. Yes they had differences; but  in the end, I know they loved each other and the beauty of the life they shared is inspiring. The sacrifices my grandparents made are what spur me to be and do better each day with the gifts and talents I've been given. 

I've been listening to I can only imagine...

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel 

Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still 

Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall 

Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all 

I can only imagine...

A 20 year journey...

I've been avoiding writing this one...

Partially because I've oscillated whether I'm ready for the consequences...I don't think I'm ready but this blog has never been about being politically correct or pleasantries. This blog is about being honest of where I'm at in life and what I'm facing. Yes, I've kept some details private and others obscured not so much to protect myself but to protect the privacy of others, namely those prevalent in my life.

About seven years ago, I embarked on an unknowing exclusionary journey. I had no idea I was about to shift from some very specific circles and embark into new territory. Most of you know that I've been actively involved in church circles for most of my life. From my mid-teens to my mid-twenties, I was involved in a number of leadership roles in Baptist circles, namely with our convention. I was raised in a Hispanic Baptist Church by parents who have been actively involved since I was young.

Their involvement wasn't immediate. I remember a time when we would visit various churches with my mom. But my Dad came to know the Lord and after that, church life for us changed. We attended as a family and found ourselves members of Primera in my hometown. I think often of our long-time Pastor Fortunato Gonzales. When I was young, I didn't really understand the why's of what he did. It's only now that I truly recognize his firm convictions to stand for what is right and while I've always had a deep respect for his leadership, I appreciate it even more in my adulthood. He was the kind of Pastor that did the right thing whether you agreed or not. He strongly believed in discipleship and I believe his leadership is the reason I have a very strong foundation in Biblical teachings.

As  I moved into my teenage years, I found myself involved in leadership roles. In the ninth grade, I put together a regional youth conference: lined up the seminars/seminar leaders, guest speaker, and musical guests. So it seemed somewhat natural for me to continue pursuing that path. I ended up in a number of leadership roles which I look back and am grateful for in many respects and in others feel like many of those roles ended with deep sacrifices. I can think of one in particular which I think only by the grace of God that I didn't lose my sanity or faith.

It's also one of the main reasons why I decided to take a step away, if you will, from "public" leadership. I've been told many times, you need to be in "full-time" ministry, "you're wasting your talents," "such a shame you're not more active"...to which I have quite a bit to say but I'll refrain for the moment.

I know I've written about the journey I embarked on seven years ago. Taking steps to dedicate myself to my studies and somehow finding my calling in life in my vocation. That hasn't changed: I still feel strongly about my calling in my vocation. To some degree, I've been on a journey of healing and redefining what my role should be and it has been an evolutionary process.

My dad served in several Pastoral roles for most of my 20's and into my 30's and my folks have always been actively involved in leadership roles. This sort of life led to life in a fishbowl where I felt like everything we did or said was watched. To a large degree it was and because I was also in leadership roles of my own, it didn't seem unreasonable or bother me much. You're usually not given alot of grace when you're parents are in leadership roles much less in a leadership role yourself. So if you mess up, well...let's just say the consequences are not favorable....not by ANY means....

I've felt like life was laid out for me...and felt like a number of people around me had high expectations which were almost demanded. It left me feeling in a very uncomfortable...and then I made the conscientious decision to step back from leadership. Not because I was angry, upset, or hurt...but because I saw a trend emerging. People always wanting to be around you when you're actively involved in the circles they want to be in.

Years of that leaves you jaded, weary, and distrustful. Really distrustful and for me that was EXACTLY the case. In fact today, it makes me hesitant of church folks and especially when I get invitations to "visit" a congregation. I often feel like "what is it that you want for me?" Its horrible, yes I know, but its truth and while it's not pretty, its raw honesty.

So why write about all this now. Well, Congreso is on the brink of its 50 anniversary. 50 years...can you imagine? They no longer have elected leaders but back during a time when they did, I served as Secretary and Vice President. I'd like to say it was glorious but honestly, it was alot of hard work. Like all groups of leadership we went through trials and situations and we were tested. It's true of any organization, any role in any organization. It's inevitable. Congreso for me was really a starting point.

Did I know the path it would lead to? Absolutely not. Knowing what I know now, I'm not sure I would, in retrospect, have embarked on the same path. What my 16 year old self didn't know then is that while events are great and all and they can bring you new clarity and focus...where the real work in faith and of faith happens, is in your every day life.

Am I excited for the thousands of teens that are going to gather over the next few days? Absolutely... In fact, my brother is headed there to work as a Congreso staff. Something he's done for a number of years. I'm proud of the work he's doing...proud that he's chosen to be part of something that has the opportunity to impact lives on a grand scale. My best friend is the event planner...so I'll spend time in dedicated prayer for her and the various leaders over the course of the next few days.

And while I support my friends involved, I have this love/hate relationship with Congreso. ok so love and hate are very strong words...its more that I have this inner struggle with the event not for what the event stands for or what it does and attempts to do...but because of the history I have with the event itself and moreso for the path and situations I found myself following.

Now I'll preface by saying some of those situations, I placed myself in and I take full responsibility for that...just as I do for what I've said and done. My real issue is with the folks who have done alot of talking about exactly where I am or rather were they think I am. You may think, ok this seems juicy...what the heck is she talking about?

I'll say this: I think often as "church" members we think we are doing good but in the end sometimes our words and actions are actually more damaging than we're willing to admit. It's the number one reason why I'm so EXTREMELY careful about my words and choice of words. Its why I guard what I say to whom and its why I OWN what comes out of my mouth and what my actions are. I don't shy from my wrongs and when I'm sincerely sorry, I'm quick to try and make amends. But its also the reason, when I'm not sorry, I wont offer an apology. I think to do that is fake and insincere and honestly if I'm not sorry for what I said or did then why should I apologize for it. Yes - I've already been told "you're prideful" and you know what, you're probably right but it still doesn't change the fact that sometimes I'm not sorry for what I say or do.

I'm pretty decisive with action and words. If I decide to move away from you in a relationship, its a done deal. I don't waiver, wont oscillate back and forth...when it's severed, its severed.  Has my own faith/relationship with God changed. ABSOLUTELY...

You cant remain the same having been through some of the things I've been through. In alot of ways, it made me hesitant to trust, watchful, and careful...However in other respects, its also made me much more compassionate, slowed my reactions, and caused me to think through things in a way that I'd not done before. It's made me better and its made me worse...I know I know...it should always make you better...it should but life isnt always about what should occur.

Then there's been the camp of folks that have blamed Ricardo for my shift or change in thought/approach...to that I say "honey, I was on that train long before Ricardo came into the picture." If anything, I can say he's helped me be more honest about my journey and helped to embrace my faith in a way that really isn't about me. He's reminded me that it's about relationships.

So while some of you think you know what's best and others of you just don't give a rat's pata, the bottom-line is that I wouldn't change the journey. Would I want some of it to be less painful, possibly?

This is what I know: there are parts of my journey I hate to revisit but it does't make it go away. Doesn't erase the past...but we don't have to be slaves to who were or things that happened in the past. In large my decision to step out of "public" view, to embark on a quiet journey was more about the discovery of  who I really am and what I really believe and why. Had a remained in "public" view in active roles, I don't think I would've taken time to consider the things that I've had to confront in the quiet moments.

It's also the very thing that has shaped me in my adulthood. I think twice about my actions/words because I don't ever want to inflict the harm on others that some in the past have inflicted on me. Instead of allow those moments to remain negative reminders of mistakes and/or affliction, I opt to chose in allowing those moments to mold me into a better person. I still have moments where I just want to be Laura but lovingly God stops me and pulls out the mirror and says, "are you sure?"

Instead of pulling out the Laura dramatics, I actually take a step back and say "no, that's not the reflection I want." It's a never ending battle and I find myself resonating with what Paul said about "what I want to do, I do not do and things I don't want to do, I do"...

Do I think I'll sit in the follower's seat for the rest of my life? probably not. But this season of learning how to follow has been good. Like all things there's a time for everything. While I don't know what the next season will bring, I do know that I've been gifted in a number of ways and that as each day passes I chose to learn something new. Either in the way I approach life, or what I learn, or even how I see people...I chose to make the most of what appears to be difficult or stormy seasons.

I've been through enough storms to know that God is always faithful and that He will always see me through. In that promise, my faith has never wavered.

I go back to a conversation Ricardo and I had with Dr Romero over dinner. I'm ever grateful for folks like Dr Romero who have kept faith real in both our lives. Dr Romero is Ricardo's long-time mentor and I saw and see exactly why. In our Baptist circles we see alot of folks trying to be "that" leader and alot of folks with political motives. He understands that, understands the politics of the church...but even more so that those elements will exist as long as you have humans in the church. it's inevitable...to expect perfect harmony/union is uptopian and likely not attainable until we are in God's presence for eternity.

What I can say is that meaningful conversations with folks like Dr Romero have steered both Ricardo and I in our faith, they have maintained our hope in something that is outside of ourselves. it is that faith that encourages me to be better to become better, to give more, to be patient, to be merciful, to be something that I'm not capable of being on my own. But more so, those conversations have reminded me that we are all on a journey. Some further ahead than others..my aim isn't for a "leadership" position, isn't that my voice would be heard, isn't to be recognized or even acknowledge. My aim is to be where I'm supposed to be and to be present in the relationships I've called to be present in.

I think specifically of a dear friend that I came to know in graduate school. Had I been involved in "leadership", likely I would've missed the opportunity to visit her in the hospital when she got pneumonia. Out of that visit came a wonderful friendship that I'm extremely grateful for. My friend doesn't have a belief in God and she knows of my faith and the role it plays in my life. Despite those huge differences, we've been able to find common ground and I'm grateful that she's allowed me to see her perspective and more so to just be her friend. I think sometimes as believers we get so caught up in "we need to win people to Jesus" that we forget we need to just love people and hopefully the Jesus part comes after we've really shown who He is in our lives. The deeper context of my journey has been just that....being present in my relationships.

Love people for exactly who they are.

do I mess up? all the time. I'm not perfect....but I'm striving to be better each day and its only with God's grace that it's even a possibility.

Ricardo and I had a conversation about diversity about people around us facing hard and difficult moments in life. We were talking about how some resign "well there's nothing we can do, its going to be what it is..." and others don't understand how "God can allow things like that to happen." We mentioned a piece I had read about  "what Christians should stop saying." I wont get into the details but just to say it resonated with me.

we can sometimes lead people to believe that the reason they're going through trials is because they aren't blessed enough, didn't do enough, havent given enough, havent been good enough, haven't been enough that God would bless them.

To that my thought is this...

When do you really appreciate your Dr? Is it when you go for your early check-up and he gives you all these preventive, uncomfortable screening tests? No...

You appreciate him most when you're lying in a hospital bed in pain and uncomfortable and he's able to prescribe you something or conduct a test to find out what's ailing you and assist you to get better whether it be via medications or therapies....you appreciate what he does and who he is, what he knows...when he helps you. I think the same is with God....we have a deeper appreciate for who He is, what He does in our lives, and how He provides when we are in our greatest need.

Should we wait for adversity to appreciate God? No...but its the adversities in our life that show us what we're really made of...they show us how much we rely on God or how much we need Him. Ricardo asked me one day, why do you want to go to church? I thought about it and said "Because it makes me a better person, gives me peace, and sets the tone for a better week."

By way of my personal nature, I'm aggressive and to some sometimes difficult to stomach. You either like me or you don't...so given that I know that about myself, I need all the "peace, make you a better person" I can get. I know that's why God's sent some amazing people into my life such as my department Executive Assistant. In some instances, I feel that God's sent me into specific people's lives but the reality is that so many of my relationships are symbiotic...I need them as much as they need me: keeps me grateful and appreciative of the beautiful color of folks in my life. In the end, no matter where the journey has taken you, no matter how amazing or how painful...life is about seasons and the one thing I know is that seasons will always change...

In the end, I'll give account for my life and the things I choose. This is my journey...its not perfect, it may not even be right....but it's mine..

you don't have to agree with any of it. the point is neither to persuade or dissuade anyone. its to be honest so that I can be honest with God about what I think and feel. I find that when you get to a place of honesty then God beings the real work.

He who began a good work in you, will be faithful to complete it...

finally home....

Alot on my mind tonight.

I'd started writing a post a few weeks ago but for some reason couldn't get past the title. I'd titled it "Sometimes you need a little direction."

Life has been just insane and I'm beginning to see this is my "new" normal. I've stopped asking if it could get any more crazy...because usually that's about the time that things take a turn at crazy blvd and I-think-I-might-lose-my-mind drive. I feel like the crazy in my life is to build up a tolerance.

I've dealt with more crazy in the last three weeks than I'd like to deal with for the remainder of my life.

I guess I should revisit this mantra that I've had for a while...that my life wasn't meant for the easy road or to do the easy things but to do the hard things...to dive into the ocean instead of wading in the kiddie pool. The crazy brings an assortment of colors to my "crayon" box....I know one of you specifically will get my reference. Yes...I suppose that without the crazy and the CRAZIES...my life would be a stark white pallet. Sometimes its the stark white against the pallet of color that is most beautiful. I try to remind myself of that when I start to be overwhelmed...

Even through the chaotic, hectic, and crazy...I'm grateful that God has given me a centered calm...a peace to maintain my wits and to remember in the end, He's in control. Do things turn out like i'd hope? sometimes...sometimes they turn out better....and so I trust that what I think may be best is not always what is best...but God knows..He always knows best.

I suppose that's why this time in life seems so very bittersweet. While parts of life are moving into these beautifully colored new seasons, there's also this part of life that is coming full-circle. I've not mentioned my grandfather or his failing health. The changes are visible. He'd gone from being this strong and determined man to spending most days sleeping. It's natural...it's what's supposed to happen when you're body begins to slowly wind down for the process that each of us will face when we go from this life to the next.

As a believer there is something so mystical and beautiful about the transition but in the same moment because of our humanity something so painful and sad. I love my grandfather and while I'd love him to stay, I know that in his present state he cannot. God didn't design us that way.

There are so many things I could say about my grandfather but more than anything, I'm so grateful for the opportunity the Lord provided that I could know them better both my grandfather and grandmother. As a family, we are where we are, blessed with what we have because of the sacrifices of my grandparents. We could say that they could have done this or that better...but the bottom line is that hindsight is always 20/20. For now...the past is the past, what I chose to carry forward is goodness...memories of laughter, stories that i'll pass on to my children, and a legacy that will propel me in my work.

My grandfather was an immigrant to the US. He came here in hopes of something better for his children. Both he and my grandmother made sacrifices to start a life here with hope. I pray that they see that hope in their children and grandchildren. I owe who I am and who I've become in large part to my grandparents. I've seen the driving force of hard work to reap what you sow, living modest lives with a focus on relationships not material things, being good to all people especially your neighbors, and appreciating the small things in life.

So the memories that mean most to me....I'd have to say the one that comes most prominently to mind is being a child with my cousins. We'd often stay while our parents were running errands or for me, I'd stay with my grandparents after school. My grandfather would give us $.50 and eventually $1.00 to walk to the store just a block from their house. He was always generous and often would watch to see that we made it to and back from the store.

The other is my grandfather and his bananas! Oh how he loved bananas! You knew you were someone special if he offered you one. My nephews love bananas as well...I can hear my nephew asking him if he can have a banana...and my grandfather offering him one.


Always amazed me to see four generations of Leyva's in one room...I think it's after hearing their stories of struggles and yes some were even exaggerated (by my grandpa nonetheless!). I had an opportunity as I was working on my undergrad degrees to have lunch with them about once a week. I'll be forever grateful for that time. I got a rare glimpse into their every day lives and heard stories of their lives in Mexico and their migration to the US.

They worked hard to provide for their children to give them an opportunity at education...I believe this is their legacy. They feared God and they loved as best they could with what they knew...but if it weren't for them and their shoulders which we stand on, I don't think we'd seen modeled hard work, persistence, dedication, or have instilled in us elements of being stubborn, angered by social injustices, or driven to succeed for a greater cause. Those are all elements, principals, and values sown by our grandparents.

Maybe they'll never know exactly what they've given us, but almost over 10 bachelor, 5 masters, and 2 doctoral degrees...I hope they can see the fruit of their labor and be proud of the seeds they've sown. They've sown seeds in faith. My grandmother prays for each of us and always before we left her home she blessed us!

What I'll miss most is seeing the twinkle in my Grandather's eyes when my nephews would visit. He just got a kick out of how my nephews pronounced Buelo (Abuelo) and Buela (Abuela). He genuinely loved their affection and I could see that it brings/brought alot of joy to both of them.


I hope...

No

I know he's gonna have that same smile when he finally makes it home.

Prayers for our family, always appreciated!