A 20 year journey...

I've been avoiding writing this one...

Partially because I've oscillated whether I'm ready for the consequences...I don't think I'm ready but this blog has never been about being politically correct or pleasantries. This blog is about being honest of where I'm at in life and what I'm facing. Yes, I've kept some details private and others obscured not so much to protect myself but to protect the privacy of others, namely those prevalent in my life.

About seven years ago, I embarked on an unknowing exclusionary journey. I had no idea I was about to shift from some very specific circles and embark into new territory. Most of you know that I've been actively involved in church circles for most of my life. From my mid-teens to my mid-twenties, I was involved in a number of leadership roles in Baptist circles, namely with our convention. I was raised in a Hispanic Baptist Church by parents who have been actively involved since I was young.

Their involvement wasn't immediate. I remember a time when we would visit various churches with my mom. But my Dad came to know the Lord and after that, church life for us changed. We attended as a family and found ourselves members of Primera in my hometown. I think often of our long-time Pastor Fortunato Gonzales. When I was young, I didn't really understand the why's of what he did. It's only now that I truly recognize his firm convictions to stand for what is right and while I've always had a deep respect for his leadership, I appreciate it even more in my adulthood. He was the kind of Pastor that did the right thing whether you agreed or not. He strongly believed in discipleship and I believe his leadership is the reason I have a very strong foundation in Biblical teachings.

As  I moved into my teenage years, I found myself involved in leadership roles. In the ninth grade, I put together a regional youth conference: lined up the seminars/seminar leaders, guest speaker, and musical guests. So it seemed somewhat natural for me to continue pursuing that path. I ended up in a number of leadership roles which I look back and am grateful for in many respects and in others feel like many of those roles ended with deep sacrifices. I can think of one in particular which I think only by the grace of God that I didn't lose my sanity or faith.

It's also one of the main reasons why I decided to take a step away, if you will, from "public" leadership. I've been told many times, you need to be in "full-time" ministry, "you're wasting your talents," "such a shame you're not more active"...to which I have quite a bit to say but I'll refrain for the moment.

I know I've written about the journey I embarked on seven years ago. Taking steps to dedicate myself to my studies and somehow finding my calling in life in my vocation. That hasn't changed: I still feel strongly about my calling in my vocation. To some degree, I've been on a journey of healing and redefining what my role should be and it has been an evolutionary process.

My dad served in several Pastoral roles for most of my 20's and into my 30's and my folks have always been actively involved in leadership roles. This sort of life led to life in a fishbowl where I felt like everything we did or said was watched. To a large degree it was and because I was also in leadership roles of my own, it didn't seem unreasonable or bother me much. You're usually not given alot of grace when you're parents are in leadership roles much less in a leadership role yourself. So if you mess up, well...let's just say the consequences are not favorable....not by ANY means....

I've felt like life was laid out for me...and felt like a number of people around me had high expectations which were almost demanded. It left me feeling in a very uncomfortable...and then I made the conscientious decision to step back from leadership. Not because I was angry, upset, or hurt...but because I saw a trend emerging. People always wanting to be around you when you're actively involved in the circles they want to be in.

Years of that leaves you jaded, weary, and distrustful. Really distrustful and for me that was EXACTLY the case. In fact today, it makes me hesitant of church folks and especially when I get invitations to "visit" a congregation. I often feel like "what is it that you want for me?" Its horrible, yes I know, but its truth and while it's not pretty, its raw honesty.

So why write about all this now. Well, Congreso is on the brink of its 50 anniversary. 50 years...can you imagine? They no longer have elected leaders but back during a time when they did, I served as Secretary and Vice President. I'd like to say it was glorious but honestly, it was alot of hard work. Like all groups of leadership we went through trials and situations and we were tested. It's true of any organization, any role in any organization. It's inevitable. Congreso for me was really a starting point.

Did I know the path it would lead to? Absolutely not. Knowing what I know now, I'm not sure I would, in retrospect, have embarked on the same path. What my 16 year old self didn't know then is that while events are great and all and they can bring you new clarity and focus...where the real work in faith and of faith happens, is in your every day life.

Am I excited for the thousands of teens that are going to gather over the next few days? Absolutely... In fact, my brother is headed there to work as a Congreso staff. Something he's done for a number of years. I'm proud of the work he's doing...proud that he's chosen to be part of something that has the opportunity to impact lives on a grand scale. My best friend is the event planner...so I'll spend time in dedicated prayer for her and the various leaders over the course of the next few days.

And while I support my friends involved, I have this love/hate relationship with Congreso. ok so love and hate are very strong words...its more that I have this inner struggle with the event not for what the event stands for or what it does and attempts to do...but because of the history I have with the event itself and moreso for the path and situations I found myself following.

Now I'll preface by saying some of those situations, I placed myself in and I take full responsibility for that...just as I do for what I've said and done. My real issue is with the folks who have done alot of talking about exactly where I am or rather were they think I am. You may think, ok this seems juicy...what the heck is she talking about?

I'll say this: I think often as "church" members we think we are doing good but in the end sometimes our words and actions are actually more damaging than we're willing to admit. It's the number one reason why I'm so EXTREMELY careful about my words and choice of words. Its why I guard what I say to whom and its why I OWN what comes out of my mouth and what my actions are. I don't shy from my wrongs and when I'm sincerely sorry, I'm quick to try and make amends. But its also the reason, when I'm not sorry, I wont offer an apology. I think to do that is fake and insincere and honestly if I'm not sorry for what I said or did then why should I apologize for it. Yes - I've already been told "you're prideful" and you know what, you're probably right but it still doesn't change the fact that sometimes I'm not sorry for what I say or do.

I'm pretty decisive with action and words. If I decide to move away from you in a relationship, its a done deal. I don't waiver, wont oscillate back and forth...when it's severed, its severed.  Has my own faith/relationship with God changed. ABSOLUTELY...

You cant remain the same having been through some of the things I've been through. In alot of ways, it made me hesitant to trust, watchful, and careful...However in other respects, its also made me much more compassionate, slowed my reactions, and caused me to think through things in a way that I'd not done before. It's made me better and its made me worse...I know I know...it should always make you better...it should but life isnt always about what should occur.

Then there's been the camp of folks that have blamed Ricardo for my shift or change in thought/approach...to that I say "honey, I was on that train long before Ricardo came into the picture." If anything, I can say he's helped me be more honest about my journey and helped to embrace my faith in a way that really isn't about me. He's reminded me that it's about relationships.

So while some of you think you know what's best and others of you just don't give a rat's pata, the bottom-line is that I wouldn't change the journey. Would I want some of it to be less painful, possibly?

This is what I know: there are parts of my journey I hate to revisit but it does't make it go away. Doesn't erase the past...but we don't have to be slaves to who were or things that happened in the past. In large my decision to step out of "public" view, to embark on a quiet journey was more about the discovery of  who I really am and what I really believe and why. Had a remained in "public" view in active roles, I don't think I would've taken time to consider the things that I've had to confront in the quiet moments.

It's also the very thing that has shaped me in my adulthood. I think twice about my actions/words because I don't ever want to inflict the harm on others that some in the past have inflicted on me. Instead of allow those moments to remain negative reminders of mistakes and/or affliction, I opt to chose in allowing those moments to mold me into a better person. I still have moments where I just want to be Laura but lovingly God stops me and pulls out the mirror and says, "are you sure?"

Instead of pulling out the Laura dramatics, I actually take a step back and say "no, that's not the reflection I want." It's a never ending battle and I find myself resonating with what Paul said about "what I want to do, I do not do and things I don't want to do, I do"...

Do I think I'll sit in the follower's seat for the rest of my life? probably not. But this season of learning how to follow has been good. Like all things there's a time for everything. While I don't know what the next season will bring, I do know that I've been gifted in a number of ways and that as each day passes I chose to learn something new. Either in the way I approach life, or what I learn, or even how I see people...I chose to make the most of what appears to be difficult or stormy seasons.

I've been through enough storms to know that God is always faithful and that He will always see me through. In that promise, my faith has never wavered.

I go back to a conversation Ricardo and I had with Dr Romero over dinner. I'm ever grateful for folks like Dr Romero who have kept faith real in both our lives. Dr Romero is Ricardo's long-time mentor and I saw and see exactly why. In our Baptist circles we see alot of folks trying to be "that" leader and alot of folks with political motives. He understands that, understands the politics of the church...but even more so that those elements will exist as long as you have humans in the church. it's inevitable...to expect perfect harmony/union is uptopian and likely not attainable until we are in God's presence for eternity.

What I can say is that meaningful conversations with folks like Dr Romero have steered both Ricardo and I in our faith, they have maintained our hope in something that is outside of ourselves. it is that faith that encourages me to be better to become better, to give more, to be patient, to be merciful, to be something that I'm not capable of being on my own. But more so, those conversations have reminded me that we are all on a journey. Some further ahead than others..my aim isn't for a "leadership" position, isn't that my voice would be heard, isn't to be recognized or even acknowledge. My aim is to be where I'm supposed to be and to be present in the relationships I've called to be present in.

I think specifically of a dear friend that I came to know in graduate school. Had I been involved in "leadership", likely I would've missed the opportunity to visit her in the hospital when she got pneumonia. Out of that visit came a wonderful friendship that I'm extremely grateful for. My friend doesn't have a belief in God and she knows of my faith and the role it plays in my life. Despite those huge differences, we've been able to find common ground and I'm grateful that she's allowed me to see her perspective and more so to just be her friend. I think sometimes as believers we get so caught up in "we need to win people to Jesus" that we forget we need to just love people and hopefully the Jesus part comes after we've really shown who He is in our lives. The deeper context of my journey has been just that....being present in my relationships.

Love people for exactly who they are.

do I mess up? all the time. I'm not perfect....but I'm striving to be better each day and its only with God's grace that it's even a possibility.

Ricardo and I had a conversation about diversity about people around us facing hard and difficult moments in life. We were talking about how some resign "well there's nothing we can do, its going to be what it is..." and others don't understand how "God can allow things like that to happen." We mentioned a piece I had read about  "what Christians should stop saying." I wont get into the details but just to say it resonated with me.

we can sometimes lead people to believe that the reason they're going through trials is because they aren't blessed enough, didn't do enough, havent given enough, havent been good enough, haven't been enough that God would bless them.

To that my thought is this...

When do you really appreciate your Dr? Is it when you go for your early check-up and he gives you all these preventive, uncomfortable screening tests? No...

You appreciate him most when you're lying in a hospital bed in pain and uncomfortable and he's able to prescribe you something or conduct a test to find out what's ailing you and assist you to get better whether it be via medications or therapies....you appreciate what he does and who he is, what he knows...when he helps you. I think the same is with God....we have a deeper appreciate for who He is, what He does in our lives, and how He provides when we are in our greatest need.

Should we wait for adversity to appreciate God? No...but its the adversities in our life that show us what we're really made of...they show us how much we rely on God or how much we need Him. Ricardo asked me one day, why do you want to go to church? I thought about it and said "Because it makes me a better person, gives me peace, and sets the tone for a better week."

By way of my personal nature, I'm aggressive and to some sometimes difficult to stomach. You either like me or you don't...so given that I know that about myself, I need all the "peace, make you a better person" I can get. I know that's why God's sent some amazing people into my life such as my department Executive Assistant. In some instances, I feel that God's sent me into specific people's lives but the reality is that so many of my relationships are symbiotic...I need them as much as they need me: keeps me grateful and appreciative of the beautiful color of folks in my life. In the end, no matter where the journey has taken you, no matter how amazing or how painful...life is about seasons and the one thing I know is that seasons will always change...

In the end, I'll give account for my life and the things I choose. This is my journey...its not perfect, it may not even be right....but it's mine..

you don't have to agree with any of it. the point is neither to persuade or dissuade anyone. its to be honest so that I can be honest with God about what I think and feel. I find that when you get to a place of honesty then God beings the real work.

He who began a good work in you, will be faithful to complete it...