...I'm gonna lose you

I'd been meaning to post for a while. I haven't really found an opportunity to be still with my thoughts to write. 

We moved in May and then the summer always bring a bevy of birthday celebrations. I blinked and it was Labor Day. There's been a flurry of activity between birthdays, family, and events. Toss in work and some major changes and suddenly you find its Nov and you're now 2 weeks away from Thanksgiving. 

The last few weeks have found us focused on our beloved dog, Ms Fancy. 

Oh Ms dear sweet Fancy...

She had a procedure done last week and we'd been waiting on results. Monday we got the phone call we had hoped to never receive. 

We already knew Fancy has bladder stones and that surgery would be required to remove them. The outstanding question for us was "would she be a suitable candidate?" 

Monday told us she likely would not be because she was formally diagnosed with lymphoma. 

My husband and I, along with our inner analysts, immediately began researching what that diagnosis meant. We quickly came to a grim conclusion and that is that we don't have much time with her.

Understandably, our hearts were and are broken. They will be for some time. We know it and we're at peace with what's to come. 

Most definitely doesn't make it any less painful. The last few days have been spent researching options, making plans, and rethinking the next few months of our lives. 

We also quickly set an appointment with our vet to discuss our options and confirm what we've already read. 

Today was that appointment. 

Fancy is a sweet girl. She loves people, loves going for rides, and loves food! There's nothing like see her little ears flapping in the wind and she rides in the back seat of our car with her head out the window. That's when she's happiest.

We could run her through oncology therapy but we'd only be positing the inevitable. This cancer will eventually become drug resistant. There's no cure. So this process became about understanding the disease and its process.

Our first set of question focused on managing her pain. We've had a tough several weeks. I won't go into the details but she's had a number of accidents. She stresses easily and she also knows when her humans are upset. 

Today's vet visit was tough. 

We asked all the hard questions we knew we had to ask. We'd already decided we would not put her through an oncology protocol. 

Surprisingly, our vet did recommend surgery for her bladder stones. Because we want her passing to be as painless as possible, we opted to go through with the surgery. The stones make her very uncomfortable. If not treated will eventually lead to complete blockage and then kidney failure. By the time we know her kidney's have stopped functioning, she will be in immense pain and her kidney failure will lead to death.

The things we don't know include how far the cancer has spread and what stage she is in. We'll know in part after her bladder stone surgery.

Life expectancy of lymphoma without any course of treatment is between 4 weeks to 3 months from the date of diagnosis. We're closing in on three weeks by the time she'll have her surgery. She'll have a two week healing period and then go on a steroid protocol to try and give her time to get through the holidays. 

It's a long shot but we feel like we owe it to her to minimize her pain. Ricardo and I decided that the moment she no longer wants o go for rides or is willing to accept a snack will be the time to let her go. I've heard you'll know when it's the right time and I pray that is true.

I've posted Megan Trainor's "Like I'm Gonna Lose You". While it was meant to describe a relationship between two humans...it fits our sentiments now.

We're going to love her like we're gonna lose her because we know that someday soon we will. 

My parents have always said you should celebrate life with those you love when they're alive. Why wait until they're dead? It's too late then...and so that's how I've lived life and approached love. It can be gone in a blink of an eye. 

We've decided to celebrate her now and not to wait until she's gone. I'm going to start a new blog for her. I've always found writing to be therapeutic but I also want to document our memories of her.

Ricardo and I will celebrate a year of marriage this coming Jan...a year ago, I could've never have imagined we'd find ourselves here. Whether she's with us or gone, this anniversary will be bittersweet.

There's a lot more I'd like to say but I'll pace myself. For now, trying to cherish each moment. Ricardo and I are working to establish a new routine as Fancy requires increased care. 

It's a new season...one I wish we didn't have to walk thru but if we have to, I'm grateful to have my partner, friend, and love to walk thru it with. 

This is the stuff of life...physical death was meant to be painful. We recognize that and we're bent of loving Fancy with no regrets. This season will soon pass and we know the day will come when we will be able to think about her without tears filling our eyes. We'll be able to laugh and remember all the joy she brought to our lives and we'll be grateful for this time with her. 

We know there are lessons to be learned and there's a grieving process that is both difficult and natural. As tough as it is, we've decided to embrace. And when the time comes, we let her go with dignity and grace. We'll hold her paw through that process and do whatever is within our power to let her know just how much she is loved.