Alot on my mind tonight.
I'd started writing a post a few weeks ago but for some reason couldn't get past the title. I'd titled it "Sometimes you need a little direction."
Life has been just insane and I'm beginning to see this is my "new" normal. I've stopped asking if it could get any more crazy...because usually that's about the time that things take a turn at crazy blvd and I-think-I-might-lose-my-mind drive. I feel like the crazy in my life is to build up a tolerance.
I've dealt with more crazy in the last three weeks than I'd like to deal with for the remainder of my life.
I guess I should revisit this mantra that I've had for a while...that my life wasn't meant for the easy road or to do the easy things but to do the hard things...to dive into the ocean instead of wading in the kiddie pool. The crazy brings an assortment of colors to my "crayon" box....I know one of you specifically will get my reference. Yes...I suppose that without the crazy and the CRAZIES...my life would be a stark white pallet. Sometimes its the stark white against the pallet of color that is most beautiful. I try to remind myself of that when I start to be overwhelmed...
Even through the chaotic, hectic, and crazy...I'm grateful that God has given me a centered calm...a peace to maintain my wits and to remember in the end, He's in control. Do things turn out like i'd hope? sometimes...sometimes they turn out better....and so I trust that what I think may be best is not always what is best...but God knows..He always knows best.
I suppose that's why this time in life seems so very bittersweet. While parts of life are moving into these beautifully colored new seasons, there's also this part of life that is coming full-circle. I've not mentioned my grandfather or his failing health. The changes are visible. He'd gone from being this strong and determined man to spending most days sleeping. It's natural...it's what's supposed to happen when you're body begins to slowly wind down for the process that each of us will face when we go from this life to the next.
As a believer there is something so mystical and beautiful about the transition but in the same moment because of our humanity something so painful and sad. I love my grandfather and while I'd love him to stay, I know that in his present state he cannot. God didn't design us that way.
There are so many things I could say about my grandfather but more than anything, I'm so grateful for the opportunity the Lord provided that I could know them better both my grandfather and grandmother. As a family, we are where we are, blessed with what we have because of the sacrifices of my grandparents. We could say that they could have done this or that better...but the bottom line is that hindsight is always 20/20. For now...the past is the past, what I chose to carry forward is goodness...memories of laughter, stories that i'll pass on to my children, and a legacy that will propel me in my work.
My grandfather was an immigrant to the US. He came here in hopes of something better for his children. Both he and my grandmother made sacrifices to start a life here with hope. I pray that they see that hope in their children and grandchildren. I owe who I am and who I've become in large part to my grandparents. I've seen the driving force of hard work to reap what you sow, living modest lives with a focus on relationships not material things, being good to all people especially your neighbors, and appreciating the small things in life.
So the memories that mean most to me....I'd have to say the one that comes most prominently to mind is being a child with my cousins. We'd often stay while our parents were running errands or for me, I'd stay with my grandparents after school. My grandfather would give us $.50 and eventually $1.00 to walk to the store just a block from their house. He was always generous and often would watch to see that we made it to and back from the store.
The other is my grandfather and his bananas! Oh how he loved bananas! You knew you were someone special if he offered you one. My nephews love bananas as well...I can hear my nephew asking him if he can have a banana...and my grandfather offering him one.
Always amazed me to see four generations of Leyva's in one room...I think it's after hearing their stories of struggles and yes some were even exaggerated (by my grandpa nonetheless!). I had an opportunity as I was working on my undergrad degrees to have lunch with them about once a week. I'll be forever grateful for that time. I got a rare glimpse into their every day lives and heard stories of their lives in Mexico and their migration to the US.
They worked hard to provide for their children to give them an opportunity at education...I believe this is their legacy. They feared God and they loved as best they could with what they knew...but if it weren't for them and their shoulders which we stand on, I don't think we'd seen modeled hard work, persistence, dedication, or have instilled in us elements of being stubborn, angered by social injustices, or driven to succeed for a greater cause. Those are all elements, principals, and values sown by our grandparents.
Maybe they'll never know exactly what they've given us, but almost over 10 bachelor, 5 masters, and 2 doctoral degrees...I hope they can see the fruit of their labor and be proud of the seeds they've sown. They've sown seeds in faith. My grandmother prays for each of us and always before we left her home she blessed us!
What I'll miss most is seeing the twinkle in my Grandather's eyes when
my nephews would visit. He just got a kick out of how my nephews
pronounced Buelo (Abuelo) and Buela (Abuela). He genuinely loved their
affection and I could see that it brings/brought alot of joy to both of
them.
I hope...
No
I know he's gonna have that same smile when he finally makes it home.
Prayers for our family, always appreciated!
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
when the body says slow it down!
well..this week did not start out as planned.oh but does life ever go like that? Monday afternoon I found myself in the ER having both my GI Tract and Cardiac system being looked at. Had a high heart rate, slight temperature, with normal blood pressure and was in extreme pain. Several hours and tests later, I was admitted and been going through a gauntlet of tests.
No clear answers as of now...so we'll see. Labs in the morning and hopefully I'll be discharged. Hoping its earlier in the morning than later. Needless to say, I feel a whole lot better today than I did yesterday so not sure what happened. Ricardo's been a super trooper staying with me so my folks wouldn't have to make the trip up. I figured why put them through that if it turned out to be something minor? Seems to have been the right call.
so I've gotten an unexpected and slightly painful mandatory vacation... threw a kink in my plans for the week but I guess my body had other intentions. Oh well - taking the time to rest and heal....Hoping to be discharged tomorrow...
No clear answers as of now...so we'll see. Labs in the morning and hopefully I'll be discharged. Hoping its earlier in the morning than later. Needless to say, I feel a whole lot better today than I did yesterday so not sure what happened. Ricardo's been a super trooper staying with me so my folks wouldn't have to make the trip up. I figured why put them through that if it turned out to be something minor? Seems to have been the right call.
so I've gotten an unexpected and slightly painful mandatory vacation... threw a kink in my plans for the week but I guess my body had other intentions. Oh well - taking the time to rest and heal....Hoping to be discharged tomorrow...
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Time
I've been telling myself that I'm going to find time to blog more often this year. So here goes my attempt to do so. I'll start today's post with a quote.
Instead, I'll say that I had a conversation with Ricardo sometime around our first year together. I told him that we'd both know when the right time was for the next step in our relationship and that I wanted our relationship to evolve naturally over time: not as "others" would dictate our relationship should go.
We're both older both very strong-willed individuals and I can say that taking our time in our relationship has been best for both of us. Neither one of us has the expectation that relationships are a "fairy-tale" affair. Ricardo and I are realist and value honesty and truth. While those values are important to us, they do not come without a price or easily. We're both extremely self-aware of our own faults and in some ways that makes things easier and makes things harder.
All in all we've found our own rhythm and pace for our relationship that works for both of us. Unknowingly, finding that rhythm and doing away with meeting expectations has created this beautiful safe zone. It allowed us to create a safe haven to allow things to evolve naturally. So when we decide to move forward, we'll do so with eyes wide open and hearts knowing.
We've in essence followed our own hearts and intuition. There have been tough moments and a few when we both thought "are we going to survive this?" But you wouldn't really know what your relationship is made of if it wasn't for those tough moments. That's when you're really tested and with the challenge comes growth.
So I'm happy to be where we are: celebrating four years together and if and when the time comes to move forward - a joyous celebration that will be. For now, I'm happy to share a quiet anniversary dinner with the man who has my heart! To many more celebrations in future!
The last four years have been a ride and i'm grateful for the partnership we've built together.
Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary. ~ Steve JobsI've been thinking about this quote for some time. Ricardo and I are on the eve of our four year anniversary. For awhile now, we've been getting the "is marriage on the horizon?" question. Let me defer a response for now.
Instead, I'll say that I had a conversation with Ricardo sometime around our first year together. I told him that we'd both know when the right time was for the next step in our relationship and that I wanted our relationship to evolve naturally over time: not as "others" would dictate our relationship should go.
We're both older both very strong-willed individuals and I can say that taking our time in our relationship has been best for both of us. Neither one of us has the expectation that relationships are a "fairy-tale" affair. Ricardo and I are realist and value honesty and truth. While those values are important to us, they do not come without a price or easily. We're both extremely self-aware of our own faults and in some ways that makes things easier and makes things harder.
All in all we've found our own rhythm and pace for our relationship that works for both of us. Unknowingly, finding that rhythm and doing away with meeting expectations has created this beautiful safe zone. It allowed us to create a safe haven to allow things to evolve naturally. So when we decide to move forward, we'll do so with eyes wide open and hearts knowing.
We've in essence followed our own hearts and intuition. There have been tough moments and a few when we both thought "are we going to survive this?" But you wouldn't really know what your relationship is made of if it wasn't for those tough moments. That's when you're really tested and with the challenge comes growth.
So I'm happy to be where we are: celebrating four years together and if and when the time comes to move forward - a joyous celebration that will be. For now, I'm happy to share a quiet anniversary dinner with the man who has my heart! To many more celebrations in future!
The last four years have been a ride and i'm grateful for the partnership we've built together.
Breakfast Club
New Year's Eve...
Where to begin?
Most everyone I know has written about the successes and/or failures of 2013. I thought about doing the same mostly because everyone is reflective this time of year.
You can't help but be reflective? Saying good-bye to the past and hello to a new year..its a sort of new beginning and aptly fits the title of my blog.
That's how this blog started out: chronicling the journey of life. Life has indeed been a journey. Sometimes a powerfully fulfilling one and at times its been draining and vampish.
Through it all: I've managed to make it through. Not on my own strength. Always because of a silent strength that only comes from faith: from God - the Father. If it weren't for that faith, I might lose my head, my perspective, my way...
It's that light that keeps me focus on the end goal of finishing the race and finishing it well.
I don't know what 2014 is going to bring though it will likely will bring major changes to my family. Some changes will be joyous and others will be grief-stricken...but we'll keep moving forward just as time does.
Not going to dwell to much on speculation about what is to come because it's just that: speculation.
Instead I can only focus on the present and the now. Reflect on the past and allow what I've been through to change and mold me in a positive light.
In the end, any reflection always leads me to gratitude which I think is only fitting since all praise to God is derived from gratitude. I'm very grateful for so many things...my family for one and then my job/work for another.
I'm grateful for my family and friends or friends I consider family (you know who you are!). Through everything we've been through we wouldn't be where we are today without the love, support, and prayers of so many of you. I liken your prayers to the support beams of a bridge. They're the foundation and because of you we're able to cross chasms and valleys...able to see glorious views. I know for many of you my visits have decreased due to the things going on with my immediate family. Please know I hold each of you in my heart, pray for you often, and even though we don't speak often know where our relationships really stand. We are grateful for those of you who stand in the gap for us. You have brought us joy. So I think of you often every time I hear Watermark's "More than You'll Ever Know." I'm reminded that we're in this journey called life together. Blessing #1
I've come to see and realize that I work with a great group of folks who are genuinely caring and so eclectic. I really enjoy my time with them and learn sooooo much from them. It's incredible! I find it to be a great privilege to be part of a group that is truly in every sense of the word: "collaborative." Egos aside, each working together as one unit. Blessing #2
Then there's Mr. Casillas - who many of you have known has been in my life for quite some time. I always reflect on us because we will celebrate four years together come Jan 3rd. This next year will likely take us on the next leg of our journey together. I'm grateful for him in so many ways. I refer to my bff's alot but truly Ricardo is my closest friend. He compliments me in ways I sometimes cannot understand. And while yes we sometimes drive each other nuts: he's often the solid voice of reason I need in my life. Yes I tend to be aggressive and assertive and no that hasn't changed much only tempered by some maturity...but I also tend to be all over the page and sometimes can be fragmented, overbearing. Ricardo keeps me grounded, keeps me real, keeps me focused, and he keeps me accountable. I can't thank him enough for that: can't thank him enough for our partnership and for the way he makes my world better. Yes I have found my better half...
Where to begin?
Most everyone I know has written about the successes and/or failures of 2013. I thought about doing the same mostly because everyone is reflective this time of year.
You can't help but be reflective? Saying good-bye to the past and hello to a new year..its a sort of new beginning and aptly fits the title of my blog.
That's how this blog started out: chronicling the journey of life. Life has indeed been a journey. Sometimes a powerfully fulfilling one and at times its been draining and vampish.
Through it all: I've managed to make it through. Not on my own strength. Always because of a silent strength that only comes from faith: from God - the Father. If it weren't for that faith, I might lose my head, my perspective, my way...
It's that light that keeps me focus on the end goal of finishing the race and finishing it well.
I don't know what 2014 is going to bring though it will likely will bring major changes to my family. Some changes will be joyous and others will be grief-stricken...but we'll keep moving forward just as time does.
Not going to dwell to much on speculation about what is to come because it's just that: speculation.
Instead I can only focus on the present and the now. Reflect on the past and allow what I've been through to change and mold me in a positive light.
In the end, any reflection always leads me to gratitude which I think is only fitting since all praise to God is derived from gratitude. I'm very grateful for so many things...my family for one and then my job/work for another.
I'm grateful for my family and friends or friends I consider family (you know who you are!). Through everything we've been through we wouldn't be where we are today without the love, support, and prayers of so many of you. I liken your prayers to the support beams of a bridge. They're the foundation and because of you we're able to cross chasms and valleys...able to see glorious views. I know for many of you my visits have decreased due to the things going on with my immediate family. Please know I hold each of you in my heart, pray for you often, and even though we don't speak often know where our relationships really stand. We are grateful for those of you who stand in the gap for us. You have brought us joy. So I think of you often every time I hear Watermark's "More than You'll Ever Know." I'm reminded that we're in this journey called life together. Blessing #1
I've come to see and realize that I work with a great group of folks who are genuinely caring and so eclectic. I really enjoy my time with them and learn sooooo much from them. It's incredible! I find it to be a great privilege to be part of a group that is truly in every sense of the word: "collaborative." Egos aside, each working together as one unit. Blessing #2
Then there's Mr. Casillas - who many of you have known has been in my life for quite some time. I always reflect on us because we will celebrate four years together come Jan 3rd. This next year will likely take us on the next leg of our journey together. I'm grateful for him in so many ways. I refer to my bff's alot but truly Ricardo is my closest friend. He compliments me in ways I sometimes cannot understand. And while yes we sometimes drive each other nuts: he's often the solid voice of reason I need in my life. Yes I tend to be aggressive and assertive and no that hasn't changed much only tempered by some maturity...but I also tend to be all over the page and sometimes can be fragmented, overbearing. Ricardo keeps me grounded, keeps me real, keeps me focused, and he keeps me accountable. I can't thank him enough for that: can't thank him enough for our partnership and for the way he makes my world better. Yes I have found my better half...
This year has been a lot about change and growth. About understanding where I'm headed and learning how to support those I love most.
I know that life is going to bring additional seasons. Seasons that will be hard and seasons that will be joyous. But we'll weather them together.
It's not the stuff in life that's important: not the accolades, not the accomplishments, not what you accumulate: it's the condition of our hearts and the relationships we develop while we're temporarily on earth.
I've spent the last year (actually last 7) removing cancerous growths from my life; focusing on positive contributors instead. Life is too short to spend with folks who detract from life instead of contributing. "Ain't nobody got time for that!"
One of my major goals this year is to be more a positive contributor to others. Passing on what I know and have as I'm able.
One of my major goals this year is to be more a positive contributor to others. Passing on what I know and have as I'm able.
Saturday, November 23, 2013
A little over due...
What happens when you've driven through crazy weather, found out your grandmother was taken to the ER, and can't sleep (possibly from the dinner you just had hours ago)?
My response...write a blog. Must mean I have some things on my mind and yes there's quite a bit - from all fronts.
So first things first, the drive home. I originally intended to come home last weekend but was nursing an ailing wrist. Still recovering but in much better shape than last week!
As it would be, the weather was a bit nasty and so it took me an hour longer to get through the hill country. I called me mom as soon as I got in and discovered my grandmother had been taken to the ER and so off to her house I went. My Grandfather had a stroke recently and slowly has been deteriorating. To his credit, he's been extremely active for most of his life and now his body is tiring. My grandmother has been his primary caregiver with help from family members.
I try to see my grandparents as often as possible. A few years ago, I realized I had this rare opportunity of time to get to know them better in my adulthood as I finished my undergrad degree. So I tried to stop by as often as possible and even learned how to make tamales with my sister by my grandmother.
I learned about their families and where they and from. Heard stories (some even inflated! by my grandpa) with my grandmother setting my grandfather straight!
Some really great memories! So it's hard to see them aging. It's inevitable though...I see it in my parents and it reminds me just how fleeting time is!
Brings me to my brother-in-law: I'm not sure exactly what to say but that he's still with us and undergoing a treatment in a facility in Houston. His situation is precarious at best and I'm not going to comment much out of respect for my sister. I do think the current care he is receiving is a step in a positive direction and I pray for their next steps. End of life care and end of life care decisions are never easy and even though we may think oh this is what I'd want in that situation until you're there: you don't realize just how difficult it really is on everyone.
For us, the most important things is the happiness and safety of my sister, her boys, and Cary. There are no clear cut answers and no simple solutions. But we pray whatever time God grants them together leaves positive impressions on the boys. Life is hard and challenging: we don't deny that not do we sugar coat life to think that it's great all the time. Instead we attempt to live out unconditional love and support. Even when it means FaceTime'ing with two little boys hunkered down in a 'Secret Fort'!
As if those challenges in life weren't enough, a lot of changes happening at work. My team is growing quickly and as new people are added, adjustments are being made. I don't stress over things like that over change. It's necessary and inevitable. I try to remain positive and to turn the challenge into teachable learning moments. So with the holidays comes a fury of activity and many deadlines. Secretly I find it enthralling! Ask me in a few months how it went!
So then there's Mr Ricardo! This man who I'm extremely grateful for! He gives me the freedom to be where I need to be and understands the things most important to me. Not only does he support my dreams but he takes care of the things that I cannot. Like fixing my car after I ran over a carcass! He doesn't demand that I attend his family holidays nor do I demand that of him. We had some discussions about Thanksgiving and initially I was going to spend it with his family but because of recent events feel the need to come home and be with my family. He understands that and is ok with it. He takese to see my nephews whenever I ask and more important cares for my nephews. I don't know what if do without this man! I'd survive for sure but he makes my life better. So the question we're always asked: when are you getting engaged?
We've been together coming up on four years...I get it but I also get this issue of timing. Being the right thing for both of us and when it's the right time, it'll happen. I'm not anxious about it not expecting a time table...we have limited time to be where we are now and rather than runnig and jumping into the next phase: I'd rather things evolve naturally and not artificially. This relationship is to important to jump and skip ahead...so sorry folks no easy answers and besides I'm not the one doing the asking anyhow! Lol my job is to sit back and enjoy the ride and it's been a sweet one so far!
I'm finally sleepy and there's actually a lot going on this weekend. Finishing up the planning for my folks 40th anniversary dinner so tomorrow is a busy day! And of course keeping an eye on the weather for the travel home! Next week is a three day work week...well I say that but inevitably end up taking work home! Be blessed!
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Temporary Home
HOLA WORLD!
I know it's been a while. I've been waiting to write until I have some great epiphany or incredible news...but most of the news these days has been a bit sad. I feel like I won a one way ticket to crazy-town with all the insanity in my life.
All that to say that yes I do count the incredible blessings in my life and all the crazy-town happenings force me to appreciate the very small things in life. Like when Ricardo holds my hand or lets me sing like a crazy maniac to Lisa Loeb's Stay in the car on the drive to Angelo.
We're in town to celebrate my birthday. Oh yes another year has come and gone. At this conjecture, I'm glad to be alive and in decent health, a few pounds heavier but otherwise doing ok. Yes my bro-in-law is approaching the end-of-life, yes, i've lost more loved ones this year than all the years of my life...yes life seems crazy insane. I sat down earlier this week and thought God how is it possible to have sanity through any of this and He reminded me how: because deep down I know He's in control.
I make feeble attempts to shoulder the crazy and when I'm just about to bang my head against the tiled walls in the shower; I resign and allow God to take His rightful place. Yes - I alone cannot shoulder the burden but then again I was never meant to. It's in those moments that God graciously - did I say graciously? I meant GRACIOUSLY steps in a takes and carries that burden for me. For that I'm grateful beyond words.
At this point in life, you have to find or I mean I HAVE TO FIND beauty in the everyday kinda moments. Like over lunch conversation with a co-worker. I've really had to step outside of my wants and needs and reach out to others. It's been good to be connected - to have fellowship and have support.
One thing I've learned, no matter how you feel, no matter what you face - life continues moving forward. People continue moving forward. I believe its not about our reaction but about our response to life. What do I choose to do with what I know, what I have with what I do...
In the midst of the crazy, there are some really great things happening. I've been asked to be a part of the NSHMBA Ignite Panel at their national conference in Oct in San Antonio. Huge opportunity to talk about what NSHMBA has meant in my professional life and the opportunities available to students. I know that my education is a blessing from God and committed to giving back and helping other students achieve and accomplish their dreams and goals. It's why as a family we're committed to the Raiders Rojos Scholarship Fund in honor of my Mom - a veteran educator. It's why I pass on whatever knowledge I have to my co-workers and work hard to continue fostering a collaborative work environment with my team. It's why I love my job and the people I work with who understand we are working towards a common goal for the good of the organization we serve. It's also why I pass on any resources I have to anyone interested and looking to better themselves, their families, and their world. I'm a sucker for anyone who wants to affect positive change!
So being back in town - always good to visit your roots and since that also includes most of my extended family then of course its good to be back! Visiting my grandparents tomorrow and dinner tomorrow night. This trip though is bittersweet for a number of reasons.
First, my sister is on vacation with her family nucleus enjoying some last moments with Cary - my bro-in-law. Making memories for the boys and embrace the time they have left together. She spoke with the hospice dr and was told Cary doesn't have much time left. She's been in this boat before so she's not exactly embracing the expectations - though we are very aware that it is somewhere on the horizon. We'd love to spend some time with boys but they need to spend time with their mommy and daddy...its that important.
I have two good friends who have lost loved ones this week - almost hours apart from each other. The first her father - whom we have known for a number of years and is just an incredible guy. He's young by what I consider to be death's standards. He leaves an incredible legacy and touched many lives. In my opinion, his calling home was unexpected.
Tonight after dinner, my dad joined Ricardo and I at the table and we told stories of our time with this family and specifically about Pastor Johnny Fira. He always made us laugh and he could make his wife laugh like crazy! You always knew he was in trouble when she would say JOHNNY FIRA! Lol...He's also left behind two children and grandchild. If he felt about his grandson the way my dad does about his....then he leaves behind a void only a grandpa can fill. Something special about grandparents and their grandchildren. Kristen has been a long-time friend and we go waaaaay back to Ga's and Acteens.
She spent some time with us at my parents church and has a testimony of her own. But i've watched her come into her own and become a mother and wife. It's a really beautiful thing. I also know she loves her daddy dearly. I know she loves both her parents dearly...so I ask for prayers for them. For her mom who loved her dad in such a beautiful way. She cared for him in his final days. I remember the time she told me about her wedding day and the smile on her face and the sparkle in her eyes. She loved that man deeply in a way that's an incredible example of a God-centered marriage. I'm not saying they're perfect or anyone one of us is perfect I"m just saying that they lived life in the attempt to Glorify God and point others to Him. Isnt that how each believer attempts to live life?
My other friend lost his grandfather. He lived a very long life and will be missed by many. Age doesn't make the loss any less painful. This friend also has a daughter who was given a devastating diagnosis late last year. It's something I just cant wrap my brain around. I think if anything - his daughter has taught me to make the most of each moment. Her picture hangs on my refrigerator and every time I see it - I say a prayer for her and her mommy and daddy. So it goes without saying that prayers for the Rodriguez family are much appreciated.
So life after death has become ever apparent to me. it has to with everything happening around me and to the people I care about most. This is life...we are living and dying...I go back to the little things. Not getting caught up in the unimportant things but focusing on the things that do matter in life. Making my relationships count and giving them the importance they require.
I'm so thankful for the people who have crossed paths with mine. I may not favor some folks but those challenging situations in our lives make us better and hopefully stronger people! As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another....in so many ways the folks in my life do that for me...they sharpen me...prepare me for what's to come, make me better in ways that I would never be capable of....its when I stop to see, understand, and embrace that - that I see the true value in the relationships in my life...its not all about them pouring into my life but also about giving back to others....to challenge yourself to be better for others...to serve and to love others.
I understand that its easier to say than do...more than you could know. But I also know that I wasn't called to do the easy thing in this life. God has never worked that way in the course of my life and I certainly don't expect Him to start now. I know its because - in this format it makes me trust Him and to lean on Him completely.
I like to be somewhat self-sufficient and reliant but more and more I see the beauty of being connected to something better and bigger than myself. There's a real value in being sharpened by others.I could name so many folks who have challenged me to be better - gave me so many great memories - taught me so many things - accepted me when I needed to be accepted and embraced me as the family of God. I know I'm not the only one who received such an incredible gift from them. I'm grateful for every fiber of fabric woven into my life. Thankful for opportunities that I'm not capable on my own.
So tomorrow as I celebrate with family and friends, I realize that there's not much more that I could want or need. I've been blessed beyond measure and truly my hearts desire is to just pass on and give back the blessings bestowed upon me. For that reason I say that life is good. It's good because even though i'm so grateful for another year of life - there's this part of me that mourns with my friends - mourns to see them hurt and to know a small piece of the loss they feel - I'm grateful to be alive to be able to tell my loved ones exactly how I feel about them, grateful for the opportunity to be an extension of God's love...I'm not perfect and I continue to have much growing to do...but the one thing that i'm most certain of is that I have more than enough...that God has provided more than enough. That all I need has already been provided to me...it clears the rose stained lenses and gives me a clear picture of the 'stuff of life'.
so today I encourage you to make the most of your moments with loved ones. Hug your mom, call and tell your dad that you love him just because....no one knows when their last moments will be and when I reach the end of my time here, I want to know that I did everything I could to run my race and that I made every attempt to run it well.
To those who have gone before us - thank you for running your race, thank you for running it well, and thank you for blessing us with the essence of who you were - you caused us to grow, gave to us great gifts of laughter and joy, and teach us how to run our race better! Words could never be enough to express that gratitude so I choose to honor you be allowing your life and what you imparted into mine to change me for the better to be better not just for myself but for others and and those around me and to honor God.
Thanks for joining me in tonight's ramblings...my heart is sad for my friends but joyful in knowing my friends will see their loved ones again. Joyful for the lives they lived and the work accomplished in their lives. Our lives are better because they were in them. It's not goodbye only goodnight...after all, this was only your temporary home.
I know it's been a while. I've been waiting to write until I have some great epiphany or incredible news...but most of the news these days has been a bit sad. I feel like I won a one way ticket to crazy-town with all the insanity in my life.
All that to say that yes I do count the incredible blessings in my life and all the crazy-town happenings force me to appreciate the very small things in life. Like when Ricardo holds my hand or lets me sing like a crazy maniac to Lisa Loeb's Stay in the car on the drive to Angelo.
We're in town to celebrate my birthday. Oh yes another year has come and gone. At this conjecture, I'm glad to be alive and in decent health, a few pounds heavier but otherwise doing ok. Yes my bro-in-law is approaching the end-of-life, yes, i've lost more loved ones this year than all the years of my life...yes life seems crazy insane. I sat down earlier this week and thought God how is it possible to have sanity through any of this and He reminded me how: because deep down I know He's in control.
I make feeble attempts to shoulder the crazy and when I'm just about to bang my head against the tiled walls in the shower; I resign and allow God to take His rightful place. Yes - I alone cannot shoulder the burden but then again I was never meant to. It's in those moments that God graciously - did I say graciously? I meant GRACIOUSLY steps in a takes and carries that burden for me. For that I'm grateful beyond words.
At this point in life, you have to find or I mean I HAVE TO FIND beauty in the everyday kinda moments. Like over lunch conversation with a co-worker. I've really had to step outside of my wants and needs and reach out to others. It's been good to be connected - to have fellowship and have support.
One thing I've learned, no matter how you feel, no matter what you face - life continues moving forward. People continue moving forward. I believe its not about our reaction but about our response to life. What do I choose to do with what I know, what I have with what I do...
In the midst of the crazy, there are some really great things happening. I've been asked to be a part of the NSHMBA Ignite Panel at their national conference in Oct in San Antonio. Huge opportunity to talk about what NSHMBA has meant in my professional life and the opportunities available to students. I know that my education is a blessing from God and committed to giving back and helping other students achieve and accomplish their dreams and goals. It's why as a family we're committed to the Raiders Rojos Scholarship Fund in honor of my Mom - a veteran educator. It's why I pass on whatever knowledge I have to my co-workers and work hard to continue fostering a collaborative work environment with my team. It's why I love my job and the people I work with who understand we are working towards a common goal for the good of the organization we serve. It's also why I pass on any resources I have to anyone interested and looking to better themselves, their families, and their world. I'm a sucker for anyone who wants to affect positive change!
So being back in town - always good to visit your roots and since that also includes most of my extended family then of course its good to be back! Visiting my grandparents tomorrow and dinner tomorrow night. This trip though is bittersweet for a number of reasons.
First, my sister is on vacation with her family nucleus enjoying some last moments with Cary - my bro-in-law. Making memories for the boys and embrace the time they have left together. She spoke with the hospice dr and was told Cary doesn't have much time left. She's been in this boat before so she's not exactly embracing the expectations - though we are very aware that it is somewhere on the horizon. We'd love to spend some time with boys but they need to spend time with their mommy and daddy...its that important.
I have two good friends who have lost loved ones this week - almost hours apart from each other. The first her father - whom we have known for a number of years and is just an incredible guy. He's young by what I consider to be death's standards. He leaves an incredible legacy and touched many lives. In my opinion, his calling home was unexpected.
Tonight after dinner, my dad joined Ricardo and I at the table and we told stories of our time with this family and specifically about Pastor Johnny Fira. He always made us laugh and he could make his wife laugh like crazy! You always knew he was in trouble when she would say JOHNNY FIRA! Lol...He's also left behind two children and grandchild. If he felt about his grandson the way my dad does about his....then he leaves behind a void only a grandpa can fill. Something special about grandparents and their grandchildren. Kristen has been a long-time friend and we go waaaaay back to Ga's and Acteens.
She spent some time with us at my parents church and has a testimony of her own. But i've watched her come into her own and become a mother and wife. It's a really beautiful thing. I also know she loves her daddy dearly. I know she loves both her parents dearly...so I ask for prayers for them. For her mom who loved her dad in such a beautiful way. She cared for him in his final days. I remember the time she told me about her wedding day and the smile on her face and the sparkle in her eyes. She loved that man deeply in a way that's an incredible example of a God-centered marriage. I'm not saying they're perfect or anyone one of us is perfect I"m just saying that they lived life in the attempt to Glorify God and point others to Him. Isnt that how each believer attempts to live life?
My other friend lost his grandfather. He lived a very long life and will be missed by many. Age doesn't make the loss any less painful. This friend also has a daughter who was given a devastating diagnosis late last year. It's something I just cant wrap my brain around. I think if anything - his daughter has taught me to make the most of each moment. Her picture hangs on my refrigerator and every time I see it - I say a prayer for her and her mommy and daddy. So it goes without saying that prayers for the Rodriguez family are much appreciated.
So life after death has become ever apparent to me. it has to with everything happening around me and to the people I care about most. This is life...we are living and dying...I go back to the little things. Not getting caught up in the unimportant things but focusing on the things that do matter in life. Making my relationships count and giving them the importance they require.
I'm so thankful for the people who have crossed paths with mine. I may not favor some folks but those challenging situations in our lives make us better and hopefully stronger people! As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another....in so many ways the folks in my life do that for me...they sharpen me...prepare me for what's to come, make me better in ways that I would never be capable of....its when I stop to see, understand, and embrace that - that I see the true value in the relationships in my life...its not all about them pouring into my life but also about giving back to others....to challenge yourself to be better for others...to serve and to love others.
I understand that its easier to say than do...more than you could know. But I also know that I wasn't called to do the easy thing in this life. God has never worked that way in the course of my life and I certainly don't expect Him to start now. I know its because - in this format it makes me trust Him and to lean on Him completely.
I like to be somewhat self-sufficient and reliant but more and more I see the beauty of being connected to something better and bigger than myself. There's a real value in being sharpened by others.I could name so many folks who have challenged me to be better - gave me so many great memories - taught me so many things - accepted me when I needed to be accepted and embraced me as the family of God. I know I'm not the only one who received such an incredible gift from them. I'm grateful for every fiber of fabric woven into my life. Thankful for opportunities that I'm not capable on my own.
So tomorrow as I celebrate with family and friends, I realize that there's not much more that I could want or need. I've been blessed beyond measure and truly my hearts desire is to just pass on and give back the blessings bestowed upon me. For that reason I say that life is good. It's good because even though i'm so grateful for another year of life - there's this part of me that mourns with my friends - mourns to see them hurt and to know a small piece of the loss they feel - I'm grateful to be alive to be able to tell my loved ones exactly how I feel about them, grateful for the opportunity to be an extension of God's love...I'm not perfect and I continue to have much growing to do...but the one thing that i'm most certain of is that I have more than enough...that God has provided more than enough. That all I need has already been provided to me...it clears the rose stained lenses and gives me a clear picture of the 'stuff of life'.
so today I encourage you to make the most of your moments with loved ones. Hug your mom, call and tell your dad that you love him just because....no one knows when their last moments will be and when I reach the end of my time here, I want to know that I did everything I could to run my race and that I made every attempt to run it well.
To those who have gone before us - thank you for running your race, thank you for running it well, and thank you for blessing us with the essence of who you were - you caused us to grow, gave to us great gifts of laughter and joy, and teach us how to run our race better! Words could never be enough to express that gratitude so I choose to honor you be allowing your life and what you imparted into mine to change me for the better to be better not just for myself but for others and and those around me and to honor God.
Thanks for joining me in tonight's ramblings...my heart is sad for my friends but joyful in knowing my friends will see their loved ones again. Joyful for the lives they lived and the work accomplished in their lives. Our lives are better because they were in them. It's not goodbye only goodnight...after all, this was only your temporary home.
Sunday, May 26, 2013
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Saturday, May 4, 2013
Trusting the unseen
I'm out in New Mexico for a few days. My brother is here for a runners convention and I joined him to catch the Burning Lights Tour.
A long time friend DJ Promote is on the tour along with Kari Jobe and Chris Tomlin. Supporting our friends in ministry: something we try to do often. Certain that comes from our folks.
I've been under the weather and working through some respiratory issues. Needless to say comin to higher altitudes probably not super smart but tonight was worth it.
To say we've been through the mill in this season of our lives is an understatement. We're anxiously awaiting and dreading "that phone" call. Most of you know I'm referring to my bro-in-laws condition. He's surprised everyone but that is Cary. He will pass from this life when God calls him home and only God knows when thy will be.
So like most trips in the last few months, this one was weary laden. We've had a lot of shuffling around with my mom or parents going to help my sister. Being there to help with the boys etc. often we get back from one commitment and are off to my sister's.
Please don't miss understand there is ok complaining here just setting the scene concerning the struggle. I wouldn't change it either. Tired not tired I couldn't see myself not being there for my sister and nephews. It's what we do its who we are.
So tonight was for me a reminder of who we place our hope in. It was a chance to worship through and despite the storm and it was a reminder that even in sorrow and hardship there is peace. Joy comes in the mourning/morning...
We're only partway through this difficult journey...and God continues to amaze me, amaze us as a family, of His faithfulness never giving to any of us more than we can bear!
So tonight for me was about celebrating who God is and all the promises He's given us.
I was able to sit and reflect and release. Release worry, sorrow, concern, anxiety, all the things I'd not been able to express. I was reminded of who is before us and who stands behind us.
In this desert land of NM, I found an oasis of refreshment and rejuvenation via The Burning Light Tour.
All it took was being still and being in Gods presence to know that peace that passes all understanding. It's a beautiful thing!
A long time friend DJ Promote is on the tour along with Kari Jobe and Chris Tomlin. Supporting our friends in ministry: something we try to do often. Certain that comes from our folks.
I've been under the weather and working through some respiratory issues. Needless to say comin to higher altitudes probably not super smart but tonight was worth it.
To say we've been through the mill in this season of our lives is an understatement. We're anxiously awaiting and dreading "that phone" call. Most of you know I'm referring to my bro-in-laws condition. He's surprised everyone but that is Cary. He will pass from this life when God calls him home and only God knows when thy will be.
So like most trips in the last few months, this one was weary laden. We've had a lot of shuffling around with my mom or parents going to help my sister. Being there to help with the boys etc. often we get back from one commitment and are off to my sister's.
Please don't miss understand there is ok complaining here just setting the scene concerning the struggle. I wouldn't change it either. Tired not tired I couldn't see myself not being there for my sister and nephews. It's what we do its who we are.
So tonight was for me a reminder of who we place our hope in. It was a chance to worship through and despite the storm and it was a reminder that even in sorrow and hardship there is peace. Joy comes in the mourning/morning...
We're only partway through this difficult journey...and God continues to amaze me, amaze us as a family, of His faithfulness never giving to any of us more than we can bear!
So tonight for me was about celebrating who God is and all the promises He's given us.
I was able to sit and reflect and release. Release worry, sorrow, concern, anxiety, all the things I'd not been able to express. I was reminded of who is before us and who stands behind us.
In this desert land of NM, I found an oasis of refreshment and rejuvenation via The Burning Light Tour.
All it took was being still and being in Gods presence to know that peace that passes all understanding. It's a beautiful thing!
Monday, April 15, 2013
We are family....
I've been trying to find a quiet moment to write. Life has been beyond crazy on so many levels.
Last week I traveled to be with my sister and her family. I've written many times about my Brother-in-law and his state of health which continues to deteriorate. He's in hospice care and is now home. We've been told that he doesn't have long and like all other things we're trusting in God's timing.
My sister contracted an infection in her finger and had hand surgery in Jan. The infection hadn't cleared and she had a second surgery last Thursday which was to include a graft. They were unable to complete the graft and she goes in for a third surgery tomorrow. We also learned that the infection had gone to the bone and the DR had to chisel some away.
Given her surgery and two small boys, she needed some help.
No surprise I packed my bags and headed their direction to provide a hand. In the last year, I decided that family is one of my priorities. We've been through a number of ordeals in the last year or so.
There have been great blessings too! Lots of joys including time with my two small nephews whom I love very much. At the end of the day, who I am is an older sister. I didn't always take up for my siblings as a kid which I think I tend to overcompensate for in my adult life.
At the drop of a hat, I'd take off to whatever city my sibling lives in to give them a helping hand.I don't apologize for it and don't regret any time I spend with my folks and siblings because at the end of the day, family is all I really have. It's why I love Ricardo so much. He understands family dedication and I've seen him give and do for his own family.
Living in the same city has been good in a number of ways. But it also allows me to spend time with him during the week - freeing me up to be with my family on weekends. It's more important now as my Brother-in-law's health wanes. I suspect he won't be with us very much longer.
Of course, no one knows but God when its time for someone to go on to the next life.
We were told that my grandmother wouldn't make it through the end of the week and she surprised everyone by surviving over 2 months longer.
Given my sister's surgery and BIL's health - I'm constantly reminded how short life is. So my decision making is prefaced with that in mind.
I returned to my office today. Busy to get ahead of a long list of work tasks. Then I received an email from my brother about the Boston marathon. Shortly after a text from Ricardo about the same topic.
For most in my office, it was a bit of disbelief but business as usual.
My brother had friends and teammates (on his Beef Team) running in the Boston Marathon. I know he's been working to qualify and is close.
I try to make it out to his races to cheer him on but also because I've heard of runners collapsing and the thought my brother being alone in the event something should happen is why I make the effort to be there. I'm proud of his accomplishments but also want to be sure he's taken care of too. I'm an older sister that's what I do - look after my siblings.
I've watched my mom do it with her own siblings and I know that in doing so it makes my parents proud and more at ease that we're looking out for each other.
So hearing the news about spectators at the Boston sort of his home. I know what its like to wait anxiously for your loved one to cross the finish line. Cheering them on and being proud of their accomplishments.
I also know what it has taken for my brother to reach this point which is why I feel the need to share his own posts regarding today's events.
He's absolutely right. None of us knows when our days on earth will end.
Certainly no one at the Boston Marathon expected the end that it came to. I hope that our American spirit will prevail and that we will live not in fear but despite of it. That we'd continue to do the things that we'd normally do.
The day will come when my brother qualifies and rest assure, I will be there to cheer him on!
Because that is who I am: a sister to a marathon runner.
Life is too short to be lived in fear and in the what if's. I hope that's something we teach my young nephews that they see how we embrace life and the opportunities afforded to each of us; making the most of what we've been given.
The last week has been tough and I suspect the weeks to come may be tougher. But with God and each other; I know God will provide a way for us.
Love deeply and let your loved ones know exactly how you feel. Make amends when possible and the whole point of all of this is to live so that in the end it can be said that you ran a good race!
Last week I traveled to be with my sister and her family. I've written many times about my Brother-in-law and his state of health which continues to deteriorate. He's in hospice care and is now home. We've been told that he doesn't have long and like all other things we're trusting in God's timing.
My sister contracted an infection in her finger and had hand surgery in Jan. The infection hadn't cleared and she had a second surgery last Thursday which was to include a graft. They were unable to complete the graft and she goes in for a third surgery tomorrow. We also learned that the infection had gone to the bone and the DR had to chisel some away.
Given her surgery and two small boys, she needed some help.
No surprise I packed my bags and headed their direction to provide a hand. In the last year, I decided that family is one of my priorities. We've been through a number of ordeals in the last year or so.
There have been great blessings too! Lots of joys including time with my two small nephews whom I love very much. At the end of the day, who I am is an older sister. I didn't always take up for my siblings as a kid which I think I tend to overcompensate for in my adult life.
At the drop of a hat, I'd take off to whatever city my sibling lives in to give them a helping hand.I don't apologize for it and don't regret any time I spend with my folks and siblings because at the end of the day, family is all I really have. It's why I love Ricardo so much. He understands family dedication and I've seen him give and do for his own family.
Living in the same city has been good in a number of ways. But it also allows me to spend time with him during the week - freeing me up to be with my family on weekends. It's more important now as my Brother-in-law's health wanes. I suspect he won't be with us very much longer.
Of course, no one knows but God when its time for someone to go on to the next life.
We were told that my grandmother wouldn't make it through the end of the week and she surprised everyone by surviving over 2 months longer.
Given my sister's surgery and BIL's health - I'm constantly reminded how short life is. So my decision making is prefaced with that in mind.
I returned to my office today. Busy to get ahead of a long list of work tasks. Then I received an email from my brother about the Boston marathon. Shortly after a text from Ricardo about the same topic.
For most in my office, it was a bit of disbelief but business as usual.
My brother had friends and teammates (on his Beef Team) running in the Boston Marathon. I know he's been working to qualify and is close.
I try to make it out to his races to cheer him on but also because I've heard of runners collapsing and the thought my brother being alone in the event something should happen is why I make the effort to be there. I'm proud of his accomplishments but also want to be sure he's taken care of too. I'm an older sister that's what I do - look after my siblings.
I've watched my mom do it with her own siblings and I know that in doing so it makes my parents proud and more at ease that we're looking out for each other.
So hearing the news about spectators at the Boston sort of his home. I know what its like to wait anxiously for your loved one to cross the finish line. Cheering them on and being proud of their accomplishments.
I also know what it has taken for my brother to reach this point which is why I feel the need to share his own posts regarding today's events.
I'm still trying to wrap my head around what happened in Boston today. I find that when I'm like this it helps to write, so here goes. I'm really bothered by today, probably more than I should be. I guess this tragedy just hits close to home. I had a lot of folks check on me, which I appreciated. While I didn't run today, I had friends running and luckily they are all ok. Work was pretty busy, but still managed to follow their progress online. I was really excited for them. If you aren't a runner, then you may or may not know what I'm about to tell you. Getting into the Boston Marathon is hard! It's especially hard for my age group. I have to run a marathon in 3:05, or at about a 7 min/mile pace. This basically means I have to finish in the top 3% of your typical marathon field. I've been working on this for awhile and am getting closer (I finished in the top 5% in Austin). I'm hoping to qualify for Boston later this year.
So with that being told, you can understand my excitement for my friends. Running Boston is every marathoners dream. Getting your jacket and medal means that you've arrived as a runner. It means you are legit! It's supposed to be a victory lap celebrating all of the hard work you put in to get there. I've been dreaming of running Boston for awhile now. It's what makes me get up at 5 am on weekends to run 13 or so miles. It's what drives me to wear tights and run when its 20 degrees outside. So part of me feels bad for everyone who worked so hard to run Boston only to have this moment turned into a bitter tragedy. I can only imagine those runners who were at mile 26 and had to stop so close to their goal. Even worse, I can imagine being stopped at 26 and finding out what happened with no way to check on your family.
But while having your dream crushed is hard, the pointless loss of life is even worse. The people there did nothing wrong. They were there to celebrate with their loved ones. The finish line of a race is the best. It's where all the crowd gathers. When you're tired, you get an extra kick to push to the finish just from the cheering. The scene is supposed to be euphoric, not tragic. My thoughts and prayers are with those who lost loved ones. One of the victims was only eight, which is about my nephew's age. It's just very sad and makes no sense.
My sister and I were talking earlier and she said "this almost makes you want to not do anything big." Well, I'm not going to let the fear of death stop me from living. What's the point of living if you never truly live? Racing itself can be dangerous which is why I pray that I live to race again each time I step into a corral. I'm a Christian and I'm pretty confident in where I'm going, so I'm not afraid to die. However, I've still got a whole lot to live for. That being said, I'm still going to train and I WILL RUN BOSTON! I won't try to make sense of what happened because you can't. I'll just be praying for those affected.
He's absolutely right. None of us knows when our days on earth will end.
Certainly no one at the Boston Marathon expected the end that it came to. I hope that our American spirit will prevail and that we will live not in fear but despite of it. That we'd continue to do the things that we'd normally do.
The day will come when my brother qualifies and rest assure, I will be there to cheer him on!
Because that is who I am: a sister to a marathon runner.
Life is too short to be lived in fear and in the what if's. I hope that's something we teach my young nephews that they see how we embrace life and the opportunities afforded to each of us; making the most of what we've been given.
The last week has been tough and I suspect the weeks to come may be tougher. But with God and each other; I know God will provide a way for us.
Love deeply and let your loved ones know exactly how you feel. Make amends when possible and the whole point of all of this is to live so that in the end it can be said that you ran a good race!
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