decisions....decisions...

I call it love...

hard to believe we're heading into week three of April! I did a Timothy scream and was like "AH!" the next few days are going to be a bit crazy. have to finish writing a few papers plus class...and decorating for a party this weekend...and dinner with the family for my mom's bday. trying to get everything taken care of but between school, graduation, and everything else...it's been...uhhhh well "manic"? maybe?

either way, I'm ready for Timmy time...I supposed thursday night I'll be sleeping on a twin bed with my nephew. it's the simple things in life that mean that most. like how he talks to me whispering right before he goes to sleep. he's too cute...and I owe him some solid one on one time.

i'll be glad when things slow for a bit.

working with a few organizations and working on some new initiatives.

loving my job. feel like it was the right thing at the right time. love what I do and love my industry. strange to me how a series of decisions have led me to here...not sure where i'll be in the year to come, but i'm ok with that.

I'm happy to be in the moment and to absorb as much as I possibly can. more interested in living in the now than looking forward to the future.

however...i have to get through the next few weeks of classes. i've got three case studies, movie exam, book critique, and final exam left....not to mention a group paper and presentation that will be completed by next tues.

there's not enough time in the day...

i keep reminding myself that eventually it'll be over and i'll be wondering what to do with my time. to me...that's Heaven! lol...

so hadnt watched much tv and what tv I do watch is dvr'd. why do i have cable? oh yeah cause I need my DVR! lol....

all i can say is that i'm looking forward to a quite and relaxing memorial weekend with Ricardo...the man is amazing. who else would help me find something i'm looking for at a craftstore - to which is not his favorite place in the world! that's what i call love...

so i'm working on a top secret project - after this weekend - i'll be able to talk more about it. just hopin that everything goes according to plan.

It'll be nice to have the family together for Easter Weekend especially since my mom's bday is friday. having a nice quiet family dinner on saturday.

once again - I had more to say but am tired...and have an early morning. attending a board meeting during the lunch hour. always on the go, always on the go!

listenin in...

cupcakes and wind

I've been diggin on Marsha Ambrosius's music lately... i even pre-ordered her album which releases on Tues.

the weeks are now going by very quickly...i'm starting to settle into a quasi-routine at least where school is concerned. have a few trips on the books but spending any free-time I have planning parties.

time is definitely flying by. in fact after next week, i'll have been at my job for a month (AH)! I can't believe its been a month but I can say I love what I do and am very happy where I'm at.

as for school, well....i love it but this is a challenging semester with lots of reading. my living room is strewn with books and assigned readings (printed). it's kinda crazy...oh and party supplies...they're in a corner collecting until I need them.

Right now, I'm just trying to keep up with the readings, writing, and research. oh and working on a fundraiser for the clinic where I interned at. very much excited about that!

so there's alot going on right now. making a lot of changes and decisions. not easy ones but necessary. I've begun to see that were some areas of my life are concerned, I've become jaded. not angry upset but just at the point where I'm starting to not care....kinda like you go through the same thing enough times, it starts to not affect you or rather you become numb to it...i can say that's not a good thing cause sometime after is usually when i move on...in some ways its better....others may not be so great.

ambiguity - i know. but necessary.

so this party planning. great golly miss molly. lots of work. figured out what my theme's gonna be and ordered invites. speakin of - i get to order graduation invitations at my graduation fair this week. super stoked about that!

Too long....too much....

I was hoping to improve on the time lapse between posts....when I last posted, I'd just gotten the news about Tia Nena. Can't believe that its gonna be three weeks.

I thought life had gotten crazy before but I wasn't adequately prepared for the change of events even though I tried to mentally prepared for what was to come.  I accepted a job offer a few weeks earlier. I knew balancing school and work was gonna be tough...but that was an understatement.

It's been grueling. Most of my free time is spent reading or writing papers...

In no way am I complaining cause I really do love my job...it's just going through the learning curve of balancing the two. I'm now 16 weeks into school and the work is starting to pile up! in fact on that note...i gotta get back to a paper...this is gonna be my life for the next few days.....

no guarantees

tonight I write a bit conflicted.

today has been a crazy day. the weather has wreaked havoc across Texas and I thought I'd be headed to my home town tomorrow but roads wont be thawed out by then. I may be leaving saturday morning.

there's lots going on. more than I care to share tonight but there is one topic heavy on my mind. it's caused me to re-think alot of aspects of my life.

i got a call from a good friend late this afternoon letting me know that his tia had passed away. from all appearances it would seem that I'd be concerned for my friend but it goes much deeper than that. in fact, my concern is for the entire family that lovingly took me in, in a time of need while living in San Antonio.

all of this was a long time ago and though some relationships have changed, i maintained friendships/brotherhood with Bert and Manny. they looked out for me when I lived in San Antonio. Took care of thing my dad would normally take care of and they taught me the backroads of San Antonio so that if I ever got lost I could get "unlost." and so during my time, these two boys (now men) because like brothers to me.

there have been riffs and disagreements along the way, but their Tia Elena played a unique role in my life. I dont think I understood what that was until I reflected on her part in my life tonight. You see, she gave me nurturing and love when I needed it most. when I was away from my family and unsure what to do, when lifee threw me questions I didnt know how to answer or what to do: she in her gentle but firm voice gave way to wisdom and reason. she maintained a light on my path that allowed me to remain open to my faith despite all the things I thought were happening around me.

while living in san antonio my life crumbled around me in so many very different ways and when I returned back home the summer of 2002, very much crushed and broken in spirit, i didnt know if i'd survive. what i didnt realize is that Tia Elena planted something in me...she sowed a seed that would in its own time germinate and grow into something beautiful. it was only with the passing of time and the living of life that I could truly appreciated and understand what she deposited in my life.

i consider her a mentor and pillar of faith in my own walk. i saw her live out her words and her faith...there were those that had their doubts but never Tia Elena...she held on to the promises God gave her and trusted Him to be her strength.

I looked through pictures of her and in everyone she has that glowing smile...and behind the smile - there is a peace....a peace that passes all understanding that we all know only comes from God...comes from walking hand and hand with Him, in having faith and complete trust....that is how I knew and know Tia Elena....she had a childlike faith and trusted no matter how painful that all things work to the good of those that love and trust and follow the Lord. That is her legacy and her life....that she ran the race and in the end was received by the Father with the words "well done my child, you have run the race well, you have finished, and you are home."

Just the short time I spent with Tia Elena and her family, I came to realize just how close and tight the family was and is. It's something I always and continue to respect and when I think of what family should it, it is the example I look to. No matter what, they are there for one another. So I know that they hurt in missing her presence but because of their faith, I know they rejoice in knowing that Jesus is her home.

I'm not able to be with them as they celebrate her life...but even still her life speaks to mine. It is a reminder that our days are numbered that life is frail and that we must be grateful for every moment of life.

Life is but a vapor.

She loved her family and she loved God and to her dying breath I know that she gave Him glory for her life.

For all that she taught me, prayed for me, shared with me...I am ever grateful. She is sown into the frabic of who I am and what I believe about God. She taught me about being hospitable and what it is to love unconditionally. She wasnt without faults but she was honest about them.

She was like the tree planted by the streams of water. She was gentle and she was firm...and she was strong in faith and we can will all rest in knowing that the day will come when we will see her again and rejoice together the miracles and work of God the Father.

There is something to be said about love...true love...and I go back to what I know about it.


3-7If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.



The Message
1 Corinthian 13:4-8
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,

Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
Love never dies.

It's caused me to think about the way I love others.

Yes, I love technology

I can't take credit for today's subject. It evolved from a conversation evoked by an observation by my brother. I dont remember exactly what we were talking about...oh wait....i remember now.

we were talking about "back-in-the-day" songs and how if you wanted to buy your favorite song, you'd hope and pray that they (record labels) released the single cassette recording otherwise you'd have to buy the whole album.

remember those? cassette singles.

they were like $1.99 and instead of having to buy the whole album or recording your jam off the radio while hopin the DJ didn't interrupt (the TRUE mix-tape), you could buy your single on cassette....downloading it or buying it off of itunes or zoomin' through your playlist via a wheel didnt exist....no, this was true old school technology at its best.

it was the days of the walkman, where to save your batteries, if you needed to rewind you'd take your tape and use a pencil to rewind it. The pencil would catch the wheel groves in the tape and you'd swirl it around  until it was at the beginning cause if not...you'd run out of batteries. I don't know about your mom and dad buy mine only bought so many batteries during a single time frame.

those were the glory days of pre-technology....

in fact, I remember buying my first vinyl record. It was my fifth birthday present from my mom. she took me down to the music store in the mall and I picked it out. I was super excited to go home and play it on my strawberry shortcake record player. my brother would later acquire a Michael Jackson record player. and if your needle broke - you were outta luck!

i remember for my 6th birthday, my mom took me down to Woolworths to buy my first "radio walkman." It didnt come with a cassette player cause those wouldn't be invented for a few years yet. I went home and was riding my bike in the backyard listening to Tina Turner's "what's love got to do with it?" I was only six and I too was wondering what does love got to do with it? I mean I was only six...

but I kept riding my bike until the battteries ran out, it got dark, or my mom called me in to eat dinner...

those were "simpler times" as G-Lo would say.

So my brother poignantly reminded me that the mall was where it was at. he said, "you had to buy your cassettes at the mall, the movie theater was at the mall, and if you wanted to play cool video games, you had to do it at the arcade" then he said (this one cracked me up)..."and the girls were at the mall...the mall is where it went down."

yes, my bff and I spent many a hours roaming the mall - she was scoping out the boys - i have no clue what i was doing - tagging along probably...or buying earrings at Claires. lol

But my brother brought up something so true....the mall is where social interactivity occurred. its where we'd meet up with our friends and have dessert at el chico's or eat at pizza hut...or get a corn dog from corn dog 7..or buy Hello Kitty paraphernalia at Small Worlds...cookies at coastal cookies (which still exists) or different flavored popcorn at the popcorn store (I think it was popcorn paradise)...or chocolate dipped ice cream bars dipped in sprinkles or peanuts at old time lemonade or catch a movie at the movie theater.

those were the days....

now-a-days...kids game online...buy their music online...they tweet or facebook, "Facebook me." and the last time i saw a movie at a mall was at Northpark in Dallas. Most movie theaters are standalone.

don't get me wrong i'm not anti-social mediums or anything...I have a twitter account and facebook account and have managed to stay connected to many friends i'd lost contact with over the years thanks to facebook. in fact, that's how Ricardo came back into my life.

but i notice there's a certain social dysfunction in society that did not exist 10 years ago..like having a conversation with someone without them picking up their phone to check their facebook, or answer a text, or read an email....

i find myself doing the same and have to remind myself to put my phone away...to give the person i'm with my complete attention. I thought the invention of Cd's was the coolest thing ever cause I could fast forward without a pencil!

I also have to remind myself that just because someone posts something on their facebook doesn't mean I really know that person or know what they mean. for some reason, we think that because we read what a person posts that we really know them. there's an element of in person connectivity that we seem to miss and so we aren't quite as adept at reading people in person as I think we should be. like reading body language or facial expressions.

maybe skype and video chat/ichat will change all of that but....hiding behind a medium seems safer to some. you can present your best side forward so to speak without fear that someone will see beneath. and in a sense it allows us to have control over what people perceive and see/read.

is that where we are headed? who knows....

all i know is that there's nothing like sitting and having a face to face with the people you care about sitting in a coffee shop or restaurant. watching their expressions and being in that person's midst, you catch their vibe in a way you can't with online mediums.

personally, i prefer the face to face and the next time my phone rings or txt message chirps, i'll remember there was a time when communicating so quickly wasn't possible...and the next time i travel with my ipod, i'll remember there was also a time when i'd have to carry a huge case with all my cd's/cassettes in it...and now...a little box with a wheel is all i need to enjoy my music!

my, my, my how time flies....

Hello 2011

This one comes a little late as we are now five days into 2011. I spent the last five days in Austin with Ricardo both celebrating the New Year and celebrating our one year anniversary. Yes, Jan 3rd marked our first year together.

This last year of my life has honestly been one of the hardest, most rewarding, and most lessons learned kind of year. It was laden with an interesting journey facing many challenges, lots of growth - learning - developing, and  gaining understanding in many new areas.

At the end of 2009, I had no idea that I would embark on a new path in a relationship. I knew that something was imminent but I didn't anticipate being in a relationship at the start of 2010...but the opportunity presented itself and both Ricardo and I took a leap of faith as we embarked on the journey of our new relationship.

As all relationships, the beginning was bliss...and for a while we were very much sheltered and protected from outside elements. Mainly because we created our own unique space in which to protect our relationship in. As we introduced others into our relationship and presented "us" to the world we faced new challenges. Looking back, I think we handled the interjections quite well. I attribute that to both of us being head strong but have seen that Ricardo has a strong understanding of who he is. it's some thing i see more and more when we're together.

i love him for that....

then...i faced family crisis/drama...not quite sure what to call it and in the process of that I came to a crossroads of discovering what's really important to me and why. Ricardo remained a strong rock through out it all and endured some of my emotional outbursts as I wrestled with decisions, finding resolution, and coming to closure.

Fall found us in a new place and as I struggled with making decisions that would affect my future...how i dealt with conflict spilled over into my personal relationships. A few years ago, I decided I wanted healthy relationships in my life and I've made conscientious efforts to move in that direction. I believe Ricardo contributes to my life in this way. He's helped me work through resolving conflict and managing it in a healthy manner.

The holiday's always place odd strains on relationships but most especially when its a "first time" scenario sort of thing. Thanksgiving found me dealing with skeletons in the closet so to speak and just the challenge of resolving my feelings towards certain circumstances. I cant say I dealt with them successfully but can say that the that process taught me some really valuable lessons. Lessons, I'll carry forward with me.

So as I approached the Christmas holiday season I was determined to approach it with an open mind. I was spending my first holiday with Ricardo's family and vice versa. We decided to wait to spend holiday's with each others family for a whole lot of reasons. We've done some birthdays, family events, etc...but nothing super extended. In the end, I enjoyed the time we spent with each others family's.

The time off (break from school) allowed me the time I needed to sort through the remaining issues...just facing the realizations of life in terms of school, career, and family. I've been juggling all three of these aspects but in terms of family I juggle my time between Ricardo and my family. Early in our relationship, I had a discussion with my mom about my time and where my choice would be to spend it. My family will always be my family but Ricardo and I have this one unique opportunity to invest in each other to make this relationship work.

So in the end, I'm very happy with the choice I've made...happy that Ricardo has remained committed and that we are now looking at 2011 with anticipation and great hope. I cant imagine having anyone else by my side as I finish up my graduate work. He's been beyond supportive and always encouraged me in accomplishing my dreams and I can say that I feel the same for him and know that in life the time will come when he will choose to pursue his own dreams and I hope that I'll be just as, if not more supportive of him as he has been of me.

I'm on the brink of having to make major career decisions with several interviews on the horizon and I know this year will bring lots of change...but its change that is good and exciting. Each year has been sweeter than the year before so 2007 was the year of new beginnings and embarking on a life long dream...2008 brought commitment to the dream, 2009 brought the reward of finishing, going to Italy, then moving on to the next part  of the dream, 2010 brought lots of work and great rewards in my personal life with the entrance of Ricardo....and as we celebrated the arrival of 2011, I realized just how incredibly blessed/lucky I am to have him in my life.

life is about finding balance...balance applies to many areas of life and I can say that Ricardo brings balance to mine. So grateful for him...grateful for how he helps me to see things from a new perspective and challenges me to be better than i am...but i'm most grateful that he allows me to just be me....

I have high hopes for 2011 and am continuing to work hard knowing that you ALWAYS reap what you sow..i'm starting to see the fruits of work begun in 2007. I'm excited to see what this year will bring and while 2010 may have been challenging...I can say that the lessons learned are invaluable and I will take with me throughout my life.

My resolution for 2011 is to embrace life and to attempt to live each moment to its fullest....whether its reading a book for a paper, or spending a quite moment with my love, Ricardo....to making career choices....I know that all good things come in their own timing.

so hello 2011....i'm ready to see what you will bring!

Life Lesson #3

Life Lesson #3: Passion and the hard things in life I was sitting in a field on Shelby Farm in Memphis, TN with some very close friends. The year was 2000 and we had traveled from Texas to attend an event. It was there that I heard something that caught my attention and forever changed my life. So I share with you now, the words spoken by John Piper to thousands of college students.

You don't have to know a lot of things for your life to make a lasting difference in the world. But you do have to know the few great things that matter, and then be willing to live for them and die for them. The people that make a durable difference in the world are not the people who have mastered many things, but who have been mastered by a few great things. If you want your life to count, if you want the ripple effect of the pebbles you drop to become waves that reach the ends of the earth and roll on for centuries and into eternity, you don't have to have a high IQ or EQ; you don't have to have to have good looks or riches; you don't have to come from a fine family or a fine school. You have to know a few great, majestic, unchanging, obvious, simple, glorious things, and be set on fire by them.

But I know that not everybody in this crowd wants your life to make a difference. There are hundreds of you - you don't care whether you make a lasting difference for something great, you just want people to like you. If people would just like you, you'd be satisfied. Of if you could just have good job with a good wife and a couple good kids and a nice car and long weekends and a few good friends, a fun retirement, and quick and easy death and no hell - if you could have that (minus God) - you'd be satisfied. THAT is a tragedy in the making.

I’ll read to you from Reader's Digest (Feb. 2000, p. 98) what a tragedy is: "Bob and Penny... took early retirement from their jobs in the Northeast five years ago when he was 59 and she was 51. Now they live in Punta Gorda, Florida, where they cruise on their 30 foot trawler, play softball and collect shells." The American Dream: come to the end of your life - your one and only life - and let the last great work before you give an account to your Creator, be "I collected shells. See my shells." THAT is a tragedy. And people today are spending billions of dollars to persuade you to embrace that tragic dream. And I get forty minutes to plead with you: don't buy it.

I look out on you as sons and daughters and I plead with you: Want your lives to count for something great and for eternity. Want this. Don't coast through life without a passion. But whatever you do, find your passion and find your way to say it and live for it and die for it. And you will make a difference that lasts.

So what are the things that I’m passionate about?

I’ll name a few: helping others, overcoming challenges, learning something new, and developing relationships that are meaningful. There’s no wonder that these ideals have guided my way in life. Unknowing, the roads I’ve pursued in life have moved me closer to my life’s mission of making a difference in my world.

When you pursue something with passion, you have no other choice but to throw fear out the window. You may be scared to try something new but it’s your passion that pushes you to leap over the ledge to that new endeavor or opportunity.

For me taking that leap of faith was going back to school which led to a month long trip to Italy/Greece.  That trip gave me the courage I needed to make the decision to move and attend grad school at Texas Tech in which I chose a concentration in healthcare where I feel I’ve found my niche, my calling, my passion: healthcare. For example, improving healthcare delivery processes such as improving wait times so that patients have shorter wait times gives me an opportunity to make a difference. Being involved and helping my community by working with Federally Qualified Health Centers or non-profit clinics lets me work indirectly with those who need the most help by improving and giving access to affordable healthcare. I have the opportunity to engage and overcome challenges by developing strategies in the current environment of healthcare.  This ever changing industry offers me a chance to learn something new each because the industry is ever evolving and changing just as the world does. My internship experience combines parts and pieces of all my work experiences. I can see now the once empty canvas of my life being painted into a magnificent portrait; stroke by stroke.

If I had been fearful and decided to stay where I was, I would have missed out on all the beautiful opportunities afforded to me such as meeting a group of diverse people through my graduate program or finding my niche in healthcare. I may have found my niche but that road may have been longer and more difficult to find. Don’t be afraid to do the hard things in life. Pursuing your passion and attempting the difficult tasks requires risk but as they say, "No risk, no reward." The rewards are well-worth the risk. If I fail, I can always say I tried and that I gave it my best effort. Even if the outcomes are different from what I expect, the intrinsic reward of learning through the process is priceless.

I believe if you pursue your passion and attempt the hard things in life: “You will make a difference that lasts.”

Life Lesson #2

Life Lesson #2: “Father knows best” 

Who hasn’t heard the term “Father knows best”? When I say this phrase, I’m talking in a figurative sense more than a literal one. I consider myself blessed to have an active father who has given me wisdom and direction throughout my life. My dad helped me with my science projects, changed out the brake pads on my first car, and hugged me when my feelings were hurt. His impact isn’t just about what he’s done for me, it includes the simple conversations on the way to school or a family vacation where he shared his views, shared his life’s journey with me. I was given a special place in his story: not only was I privileged to hear about his life happenings, but I was privy to a front row seat, watching his life played out like a movie on a big screen. It’s a rare thing to see someone’s life so up-close and to see words matched to action but that is how I’ve seen my dad’s life.

There are many words my dad has spoken to me. He’s never been one to tell me “this is what you need to do” But instead, his approach has been a gentle one. “If I were you, these are the things I’d consider…,” he’d say. He was never pushy, never overbearing, and never intrusive.

Even in moments when he’d offer a warning and I decided to go my own route and failed, he never gave me an “I told you so.” Instead, he gave me the freedom to learn on my own and he offered what he had willingly as I requested.

I consider myself doubly blessed because in addition to my dad, I also have mentors in my life, who impart wisdom in so many ways and throughout important key times in my life. For example, on one occasion I wasn’t sure about taking a promotion so I sat down with a close family friend who helped me weigh the pros and cons. Even as recent as last week, a healthcare mentor offered to sit down with me and provide some insight on a healthcare case I’m presenting at a case competition. Sometimes the words they offer are specific to situations or circumstances and sometimes they are just general to life.

The point isn’t that they’ve decided to share. Instead, the point is that I’ve chosen to listen.

A friend gave me a quote that states: “Wisdom is learning from experience, preferably your own.”

That quote has had a profound effect on my life and in how I approach life’s lessons.  Not only did it affect how I approach my own life lessons but other’s life lessons, as well. It’s impacted how I select mentors in my life because you must be diligent in the selection of those you empower to have voice in your life. If your mentor’s intentions are wrong, they could potentially mislead you in life’s journey. Instead, you have to find those that genuinely love you, care about you, and wish to see you do well in this “crazy thing” called life.

After a relatively short-time of living life, I’ve learned that it is much easier to navigate roads lit with street lights. I liken mentors to the street lights in the road of life. They aren’t there to tell you which way to go. They exist to shed light on the road you’re traveling on. Be willing to learn and give place to mentors in your life so that when you travel, your road is as well lit as possible.