Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Saturday, May 21, 2011
reflections with smiles
Finally taking some time to gather my thoughts about the last few weeks. I'd spent the last two years of my life devoted to an accomplishment I thought would never arrive. Yet just like with the guarantee of time passing, it came and it's gone. Time is no respecter of age, race, or position.
I made sure to take a few moments to enjoy and absorb what was happening around me because I knew all too soon the moment would be gone. Of course, there was drama...(chuckles)...I mean when is there not?
I'd decided a while back that I can't really change that (the fact that there will be drama) but can only change how I approach and deal with drama. With Ricardo's help, I've evolved to focus my attention and efforts on the things that really and should matter.
so a little random but i'm gonna take off on a tangent here.
I've written about forgiveness but its been a while since i've visited this subject. I guess I'm revisiting this topic cause sometimes its the hardest thing to do - to forgive. This last year has been somewhat tumultuous, to say the least, and not from the sources I'd normally expect either. If anything, I feel the family foundation I really need has been strengthened and for certain - my relationship with Ricardo has taught me much. (Ricardo's not perfect though some days I think he thinks he is! LOL..just kidding Love!) He's been exactly what I need.
Something about being around him that makes me or allows me to relax! He's calming in a way I don't completely understand but I so desperately need at times. Funny how that works.
hmmm so yeah back to forgiveness. not a concept you tend to learn completely about in one fell swoop. no, this topic is something that evolves over time or at least the understanding of it tends to reveal itself over time. I guess I didn't really understand a conversation I had had with Ricardo mid-summer last year until earlier this evening. Something he said finally clicked. sorta like an "ah ha" moment...ok exactly like an "ah ha" moment.
Graduation - had its fair share of stresses. But Ricardo said to me, "Focus on the things that are important, and enjoy this and celebrate your accomplishment. Don't let anything else get in the way of that." He was so right about that. There are things you can control and there are those things so far from your control...I had to just let them go. I was done spinning my wheels.
So I focused on the things I could do something about. So many people went above and beyond to make graduation what it was...that if something didn't get put out or didn't look the way I envisioned...who really cared? it was all beautiful and was completely amazing, and far better than I could have done myself!
The people that needed to be there were and in the end, I had such a great time! I cant spend my time worry about other people's concerns or drama. no...i want to enjoy life, want to embrace these moments. I can't live my life to please others. Something I learned through graduate school.
I know you're thinking how does business school give you an introspective insight. aren't you learning about crunching numbers and managing others? And to that I say, "exactly." Anytime you deal with others, you thrown in a complexity that is far beyond anything including quantum physics.
i think for the first time in a while, i really understood that there's a whole world of possibilities out there. not that I'm moving to Europe or anything dramatic like that...but really the world is at our fingertips. it comes down to the choices we make. there are many opportunities but its our choice to take advantage of them. to do something with them.
for example, i could've stressed myself to a frenzy over stuff not being done for my graduation dinner...or whatever...but as i went home to change from setting things up and more so on my drive to the Spirit Arena...i took a couple of deep breaths on my 10 minute walk to the tunnel and holding area...I thought...this is a moment to cherish and to relish - a moment to savor. The last two years of my life's work have culminated in this...and culminated in finding a calling for my life that in itself is monumental. I want to celebrate that with my family, friends, and colleagues.
it was almost overwhelming if it hadn't been for my fellow classmates who I immediately saw and caused much excitement! We'd done it! We endured all the weekend classes, last minute changes in projects, Dr Huerta's quality bibles, and crazy schedules and projects...and in the end, we were walking away with not just an education to help us in our careers in healthcare but with something a bit deeper than that. No one understands better the struggles in this accomplishment and the hard work that was required better than my cohorts in my program.
i made some great friends at Tech - friends/colleagues I have no doubt I'll keep in contact with. these are people who impacted my life one way or another...classmates who understood the pain of schedules or projects...or helped me make light of my many trauma's! or told me about their own trauma's helping me see some of my mini-drama's really weren't that bad...it was sharing coffee or sharing scones from sugar brown's. or lunches provided courtesy of Dr Hoffman! and even going through the experience of graduate school...life continued. it didn't stop.
I'm reminded of Andy Grammer's song, "keep your head up"
life wasn't easy. even though my brother was close, we still went through our own growing pains of being in the same city. it's nice to have him around and to do dinner and then be able to go back to our respective houses! while focused on school, we lost an uncle, my mom was hospitalized twice, and there were many other family drama's I'll not delve into. Plus you add in trying to maintain friendships and family relationships and my relationship with Ricardo.
I had to lay out the priorities fast and often had to make tough choices. Lucky for me, Ricardo made so many of those choices easy. He understands the family priority that is important to me and he's generous in our time.
There were lots of times when it woulda been easy to say forget it. I'm tossing in the towel and going back home. But my mom and dad, bro/sis, Ricardo, and friends at every turn would said to me, "don't give up. do what you gotta do - but keep with school" I'm so glad that they did.
This accomplishment wasn't just about me. its about all those who encouraged me and in their own ways supported me while I made a go of it. i don't think i could ever repay my parents for the opportunity to pursue my dreams. i've seen them help each of us (my siblings and I) in our pursuits...and i see that our joy is their joy. words don't do justice to my gratitude for them!
then there's Ricardo...no matter what, he always encouraged me. i'm so grateful that he came into my life when he did...so glad that he's patient and understanding and secure in who he is. i love him for that. that man makes me laugh life no other! and even in moments when I was far too serious...he always helps me to see beyond myself and the moment I sometimes get lost in. he helps me navigate to a place where I can look and see things for what they really are.
so what's next? i've been asked this quite a bit...
i'm awaiting word on a doctoral program. no, not quiting my job but will work and completely my doctoral program at the same time. and yes, there's a logic to it all. i love my job and continue to learn something new each day. i cant say that i'll be there for an extended or even a short period of time...just that i'll be there until I realize it's time for me to not be there anymore. i'm just excited to be working with some great colleagues and mentors. it's a perfect place for me to be.
so what about forgiveness that I mentioned above?
i've learned that forgiveness often isnt for the benefit of the person we are forgiving but for our own forgiveness...because when we let anger and hurt linger without moving on to forgiveness, it leads to bitterness...and bitterness that leaves a bad taste not only in your own mouth but the mouth of others. it robs us of joy, robs us of the ability to truly celebrate the meaningful things in life, robs us of seeing beauty in everyday moments.
i don't want that life...dont want to spend life angry about things i cant control. i want to spend my time soakin in beautiful moments and enjoying life with those that i love...would rather spend my time trying to make this a better place and contribute positively to my community - to give something back that was given to me.
that's where i'm focusing my energies these days. i've seen far too many people dwell in the place of "what if's" and "if only's" coupled by resentment, anger, and bitterness. shrouded in past resentments often bars us from seeing truth and living in the moment. it causes us to rush through the moments in life we should let linger and soak in. forgiveness is the starting point on the road to healing and recovery...that's all i'm saying...
i'm sure that i have more to stay but its late and i have to be up early with my nephews...they have a tradition with my parents to eat pancakes together on sat morning. they've spent the night with us (i'm visiting) so it'll be pancakes bright and early cause they do not sleep in! LOL...i love those boys. they bring much joy to my life and are sweet and sour all in one! excited to hear "Mimi get up" at 7am on a saturday! they really are too cute and if anything - they remind me how awesome it is to get excited about the little things...like when the ice cream truck comes down our street!
oh and i do have a few trips on the books. it's the one perk of having a real job. you get vacations and get paid while you're on them! LOL
I made sure to take a few moments to enjoy and absorb what was happening around me because I knew all too soon the moment would be gone. Of course, there was drama...(chuckles)...I mean when is there not?
I'd decided a while back that I can't really change that (the fact that there will be drama) but can only change how I approach and deal with drama. With Ricardo's help, I've evolved to focus my attention and efforts on the things that really and should matter.
so a little random but i'm gonna take off on a tangent here.
I've written about forgiveness but its been a while since i've visited this subject. I guess I'm revisiting this topic cause sometimes its the hardest thing to do - to forgive. This last year has been somewhat tumultuous, to say the least, and not from the sources I'd normally expect either. If anything, I feel the family foundation I really need has been strengthened and for certain - my relationship with Ricardo has taught me much. (Ricardo's not perfect though some days I think he thinks he is! LOL..just kidding Love!) He's been exactly what I need.
Something about being around him that makes me or allows me to relax! He's calming in a way I don't completely understand but I so desperately need at times. Funny how that works.
hmmm so yeah back to forgiveness. not a concept you tend to learn completely about in one fell swoop. no, this topic is something that evolves over time or at least the understanding of it tends to reveal itself over time. I guess I didn't really understand a conversation I had had with Ricardo mid-summer last year until earlier this evening. Something he said finally clicked. sorta like an "ah ha" moment...ok exactly like an "ah ha" moment.
Graduation - had its fair share of stresses. But Ricardo said to me, "Focus on the things that are important, and enjoy this and celebrate your accomplishment. Don't let anything else get in the way of that." He was so right about that. There are things you can control and there are those things so far from your control...I had to just let them go. I was done spinning my wheels.
So I focused on the things I could do something about. So many people went above and beyond to make graduation what it was...that if something didn't get put out or didn't look the way I envisioned...who really cared? it was all beautiful and was completely amazing, and far better than I could have done myself!
The people that needed to be there were and in the end, I had such a great time! I cant spend my time worry about other people's concerns or drama. no...i want to enjoy life, want to embrace these moments. I can't live my life to please others. Something I learned through graduate school.
I know you're thinking how does business school give you an introspective insight. aren't you learning about crunching numbers and managing others? And to that I say, "exactly." Anytime you deal with others, you thrown in a complexity that is far beyond anything including quantum physics.
So what I learned at Texas Tech was a combination of business skills, understanding about the healthcare industry, and development of critical skills and continuous learning to help me succeed in my career. But I also learned a thing or two about interpersonal relationships and human nature. Not a likely place to learn, I know!
It was my ethics and leadership course that I was challenged to search myself, my beliefs, and values. Not an easy process and I had to deal with some "skeletons in the closet." But I discovered that each of us has the strength and ability to confront our deepest fears. It only takes a bit of courage.
This journey was interesting because for the most part I knew more or less where my values and morals stood...I just never took the time to truly define where those lines are. Those lines may never be truly defined but I at least have a strong foundation to start from. I understand what I value and why and in the end that will be the ethical guiding beacon.
Secondly, even though I knew this, I understood that we truly come from different backgrounds, understanding, and opinions. Whether we can work together is up to the people trying to work together. I think I saw this more drastically when I worked in group. Sure some group members busted their tails to fulfill their obligations, others just flat out bailed, and then you had the quasi - talk about how much work they were doing but really didn't do much but copy from others. Those are the ones you gotta watch out for cause they will sell you out!
Most of us in business school are ambitious and driven and aggressive! I mean that's the reason we're pursuing "higher education." The desire to prove that we can accomplish something. There may be other reasons but in the end, its why we "finish" business school. Given that common goal, its bound to bring about some discomfort and challenges.
So as I was listening to Kenny Rogers' "The Gambler" I realized, yes you gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, and know when to run! Sometimes you gotta hold your ground, sometimes you give in, sometimes you compromise, and sometimes you just gotta get the heck outta dodge! Its the knowing part that is difficult.
In the end, I learned that we're all people wanting to succeed in life. We all have challenges, all have pasts, all have issues that we struggle with...but we're all human - with feelings! (ok some of us I truly wondered about!..thinking maybe it was just one feeling but still...feeling nonetheless)Lets fast forward. It was during the course of THIS week that I realized i'm on the cusp of something new and exciting. I've spent the last two years working towards this goal and had finally completed it and then had my 90 day evaluation for my new job. Even though it went well - i was still nervous about it. I mean someone is assessing your work and giving you feedback. So its the, am I fulfilling expectations - is my work quality - am I fitting into the culture - do i have what it takes?
i think for the first time in a while, i really understood that there's a whole world of possibilities out there. not that I'm moving to Europe or anything dramatic like that...but really the world is at our fingertips. it comes down to the choices we make. there are many opportunities but its our choice to take advantage of them. to do something with them.
for example, i could've stressed myself to a frenzy over stuff not being done for my graduation dinner...or whatever...but as i went home to change from setting things up and more so on my drive to the Spirit Arena...i took a couple of deep breaths on my 10 minute walk to the tunnel and holding area...I thought...this is a moment to cherish and to relish - a moment to savor. The last two years of my life's work have culminated in this...and culminated in finding a calling for my life that in itself is monumental. I want to celebrate that with my family, friends, and colleagues.
it was almost overwhelming if it hadn't been for my fellow classmates who I immediately saw and caused much excitement! We'd done it! We endured all the weekend classes, last minute changes in projects, Dr Huerta's quality bibles, and crazy schedules and projects...and in the end, we were walking away with not just an education to help us in our careers in healthcare but with something a bit deeper than that. No one understands better the struggles in this accomplishment and the hard work that was required better than my cohorts in my program.
i made some great friends at Tech - friends/colleagues I have no doubt I'll keep in contact with. these are people who impacted my life one way or another...classmates who understood the pain of schedules or projects...or helped me make light of my many trauma's! or told me about their own trauma's helping me see some of my mini-drama's really weren't that bad...it was sharing coffee or sharing scones from sugar brown's. or lunches provided courtesy of Dr Hoffman! and even going through the experience of graduate school...life continued. it didn't stop.
I'm reminded of Andy Grammer's song, "keep your head up"
life wasn't easy. even though my brother was close, we still went through our own growing pains of being in the same city. it's nice to have him around and to do dinner and then be able to go back to our respective houses! while focused on school, we lost an uncle, my mom was hospitalized twice, and there were many other family drama's I'll not delve into. Plus you add in trying to maintain friendships and family relationships and my relationship with Ricardo.
I had to lay out the priorities fast and often had to make tough choices. Lucky for me, Ricardo made so many of those choices easy. He understands the family priority that is important to me and he's generous in our time.
There were lots of times when it woulda been easy to say forget it. I'm tossing in the towel and going back home. But my mom and dad, bro/sis, Ricardo, and friends at every turn would said to me, "don't give up. do what you gotta do - but keep with school" I'm so glad that they did.
This accomplishment wasn't just about me. its about all those who encouraged me and in their own ways supported me while I made a go of it. i don't think i could ever repay my parents for the opportunity to pursue my dreams. i've seen them help each of us (my siblings and I) in our pursuits...and i see that our joy is their joy. words don't do justice to my gratitude for them!
then there's Ricardo...no matter what, he always encouraged me. i'm so grateful that he came into my life when he did...so glad that he's patient and understanding and secure in who he is. i love him for that. that man makes me laugh life no other! and even in moments when I was far too serious...he always helps me to see beyond myself and the moment I sometimes get lost in. he helps me navigate to a place where I can look and see things for what they really are.
so what's next? i've been asked this quite a bit...
i'm awaiting word on a doctoral program. no, not quiting my job but will work and completely my doctoral program at the same time. and yes, there's a logic to it all. i love my job and continue to learn something new each day. i cant say that i'll be there for an extended or even a short period of time...just that i'll be there until I realize it's time for me to not be there anymore. i'm just excited to be working with some great colleagues and mentors. it's a perfect place for me to be.
so what about forgiveness that I mentioned above?
i've learned that forgiveness often isnt for the benefit of the person we are forgiving but for our own forgiveness...because when we let anger and hurt linger without moving on to forgiveness, it leads to bitterness...and bitterness that leaves a bad taste not only in your own mouth but the mouth of others. it robs us of joy, robs us of the ability to truly celebrate the meaningful things in life, robs us of seeing beauty in everyday moments.
i don't want that life...dont want to spend life angry about things i cant control. i want to spend my time soakin in beautiful moments and enjoying life with those that i love...would rather spend my time trying to make this a better place and contribute positively to my community - to give something back that was given to me.
that's where i'm focusing my energies these days. i've seen far too many people dwell in the place of "what if's" and "if only's" coupled by resentment, anger, and bitterness. shrouded in past resentments often bars us from seeing truth and living in the moment. it causes us to rush through the moments in life we should let linger and soak in. forgiveness is the starting point on the road to healing and recovery...that's all i'm saying...
i'm sure that i have more to stay but its late and i have to be up early with my nephews...they have a tradition with my parents to eat pancakes together on sat morning. they've spent the night with us (i'm visiting) so it'll be pancakes bright and early cause they do not sleep in! LOL...i love those boys. they bring much joy to my life and are sweet and sour all in one! excited to hear "Mimi get up" at 7am on a saturday! they really are too cute and if anything - they remind me how awesome it is to get excited about the little things...like when the ice cream truck comes down our street!
oh and i do have a few trips on the books. it's the one perk of having a real job. you get vacations and get paid while you're on them! LOL
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
I call it love...
hard to believe we're heading into week three of April! I did a Timothy scream and was like "AH!" the next few days are going to be a bit crazy. have to finish writing a few papers plus class...and decorating for a party this weekend...and dinner with the family for my mom's bday. trying to get everything taken care of but between school, graduation, and everything else...it's been...uhhhh well "manic"? maybe?
either way, I'm ready for Timmy time...I supposed thursday night I'll be sleeping on a twin bed with my nephew. it's the simple things in life that mean that most. like how he talks to me whispering right before he goes to sleep. he's too cute...and I owe him some solid one on one time.
i'll be glad when things slow for a bit.
working with a few organizations and working on some new initiatives.
loving my job. feel like it was the right thing at the right time. love what I do and love my industry. strange to me how a series of decisions have led me to here...not sure where i'll be in the year to come, but i'm ok with that.
I'm happy to be in the moment and to absorb as much as I possibly can. more interested in living in the now than looking forward to the future.
however...i have to get through the next few weeks of classes. i've got three case studies, movie exam, book critique, and final exam left....not to mention a group paper and presentation that will be completed by next tues.
there's not enough time in the day...
i keep reminding myself that eventually it'll be over and i'll be wondering what to do with my time. to me...that's Heaven! lol...
so hadnt watched much tv and what tv I do watch is dvr'd. why do i have cable? oh yeah cause I need my DVR! lol....
all i can say is that i'm looking forward to a quite and relaxing memorial weekend with Ricardo...the man is amazing. who else would help me find something i'm looking for at a craftstore - to which is not his favorite place in the world! that's what i call love...
so i'm working on a top secret project - after this weekend - i'll be able to talk more about it. just hopin that everything goes according to plan.
It'll be nice to have the family together for Easter Weekend especially since my mom's bday is friday. having a nice quiet family dinner on saturday.
once again - I had more to say but am tired...and have an early morning. attending a board meeting during the lunch hour. always on the go, always on the go!
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
cupcakes and wind
I've been diggin on Marsha Ambrosius's music lately... i even pre-ordered her album which releases on Tues.
the weeks are now going by very quickly...i'm starting to settle into a quasi-routine at least where school is concerned. have a few trips on the books but spending any free-time I have planning parties.
time is definitely flying by. in fact after next week, i'll have been at my job for a month (AH)! I can't believe its been a month but I can say I love what I do and am very happy where I'm at.
as for school, well....i love it but this is a challenging semester with lots of reading. my living room is strewn with books and assigned readings (printed). it's kinda crazy...oh and party supplies...they're in a corner collecting until I need them.
Right now, I'm just trying to keep up with the readings, writing, and research. oh and working on a fundraiser for the clinic where I interned at. very much excited about that!
so there's alot going on right now. making a lot of changes and decisions. not easy ones but necessary. I've begun to see that were some areas of my life are concerned, I've become jaded. not angry upset but just at the point where I'm starting to not care....kinda like you go through the same thing enough times, it starts to not affect you or rather you become numb to it...i can say that's not a good thing cause sometime after is usually when i move on...in some ways its better....others may not be so great.
ambiguity - i know. but necessary.
so this party planning. great golly miss molly. lots of work. figured out what my theme's gonna be and ordered invites. speakin of - i get to order graduation invitations at my graduation fair this week. super stoked about that!
the weeks are now going by very quickly...i'm starting to settle into a quasi-routine at least where school is concerned. have a few trips on the books but spending any free-time I have planning parties.
time is definitely flying by. in fact after next week, i'll have been at my job for a month (AH)! I can't believe its been a month but I can say I love what I do and am very happy where I'm at.
as for school, well....i love it but this is a challenging semester with lots of reading. my living room is strewn with books and assigned readings (printed). it's kinda crazy...oh and party supplies...they're in a corner collecting until I need them.
Right now, I'm just trying to keep up with the readings, writing, and research. oh and working on a fundraiser for the clinic where I interned at. very much excited about that!
so there's alot going on right now. making a lot of changes and decisions. not easy ones but necessary. I've begun to see that were some areas of my life are concerned, I've become jaded. not angry upset but just at the point where I'm starting to not care....kinda like you go through the same thing enough times, it starts to not affect you or rather you become numb to it...i can say that's not a good thing cause sometime after is usually when i move on...in some ways its better....others may not be so great.
ambiguity - i know. but necessary.
so this party planning. great golly miss molly. lots of work. figured out what my theme's gonna be and ordered invites. speakin of - i get to order graduation invitations at my graduation fair this week. super stoked about that!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Too long....too much....
I was hoping to improve on the time lapse between posts....when I last posted, I'd just gotten the news about Tia Nena. Can't believe that its gonna be three weeks.
I thought life had gotten crazy before but I wasn't adequately prepared for the change of events even though I tried to mentally prepared for what was to come. I accepted a job offer a few weeks earlier. I knew balancing school and work was gonna be tough...but that was an understatement.
It's been grueling. Most of my free time is spent reading or writing papers...
In no way am I complaining cause I really do love my job...it's just going through the learning curve of balancing the two. I'm now 16 weeks into school and the work is starting to pile up! in fact on that note...i gotta get back to a paper...this is gonna be my life for the next few days.....
I thought life had gotten crazy before but I wasn't adequately prepared for the change of events even though I tried to mentally prepared for what was to come. I accepted a job offer a few weeks earlier. I knew balancing school and work was gonna be tough...but that was an understatement.
It's been grueling. Most of my free time is spent reading or writing papers...
In no way am I complaining cause I really do love my job...it's just going through the learning curve of balancing the two. I'm now 16 weeks into school and the work is starting to pile up! in fact on that note...i gotta get back to a paper...this is gonna be my life for the next few days.....
Friday, February 4, 2011
no guarantees
tonight I write a bit conflicted.
today has been a crazy day. the weather has wreaked havoc across Texas and I thought I'd be headed to my home town tomorrow but roads wont be thawed out by then. I may be leaving saturday morning.
there's lots going on. more than I care to share tonight but there is one topic heavy on my mind. it's caused me to re-think alot of aspects of my life.
i got a call from a good friend late this afternoon letting me know that his tia had passed away. from all appearances it would seem that I'd be concerned for my friend but it goes much deeper than that. in fact, my concern is for the entire family that lovingly took me in, in a time of need while living in San Antonio.
all of this was a long time ago and though some relationships have changed, i maintained friendships/brotherhood with Bert and Manny. they looked out for me when I lived in San Antonio. Took care of thing my dad would normally take care of and they taught me the backroads of San Antonio so that if I ever got lost I could get "unlost." and so during my time, these two boys (now men) because like brothers to me.
there have been riffs and disagreements along the way, but their Tia Elena played a unique role in my life. I dont think I understood what that was until I reflected on her part in my life tonight. You see, she gave me nurturing and love when I needed it most. when I was away from my family and unsure what to do, when lifee threw me questions I didnt know how to answer or what to do: she in her gentle but firm voice gave way to wisdom and reason. she maintained a light on my path that allowed me to remain open to my faith despite all the things I thought were happening around me.
while living in san antonio my life crumbled around me in so many very different ways and when I returned back home the summer of 2002, very much crushed and broken in spirit, i didnt know if i'd survive. what i didnt realize is that Tia Elena planted something in me...she sowed a seed that would in its own time germinate and grow into something beautiful. it was only with the passing of time and the living of life that I could truly appreciated and understand what she deposited in my life.
i consider her a mentor and pillar of faith in my own walk. i saw her live out her words and her faith...there were those that had their doubts but never Tia Elena...she held on to the promises God gave her and trusted Him to be her strength.
I looked through pictures of her and in everyone she has that glowing smile...and behind the smile - there is a peace....a peace that passes all understanding that we all know only comes from God...comes from walking hand and hand with Him, in having faith and complete trust....that is how I knew and know Tia Elena....she had a childlike faith and trusted no matter how painful that all things work to the good of those that love and trust and follow the Lord. That is her legacy and her life....that she ran the race and in the end was received by the Father with the words "well done my child, you have run the race well, you have finished, and you are home."
Just the short time I spent with Tia Elena and her family, I came to realize just how close and tight the family was and is. It's something I always and continue to respect and when I think of what family should it, it is the example I look to. No matter what, they are there for one another. So I know that they hurt in missing her presence but because of their faith, I know they rejoice in knowing that Jesus is her home.
I'm not able to be with them as they celebrate her life...but even still her life speaks to mine. It is a reminder that our days are numbered that life is frail and that we must be grateful for every moment of life.
Life is but a vapor.
She loved her family and she loved God and to her dying breath I know that she gave Him glory for her life.
For all that she taught me, prayed for me, shared with me...I am ever grateful. She is sown into the frabic of who I am and what I believe about God. She taught me about being hospitable and what it is to love unconditionally. She wasnt without faults but she was honest about them.
She was like the tree planted by the streams of water. She was gentle and she was firm...and she was strong in faith and we can will all rest in knowing that the day will come when we will see her again and rejoice together the miracles and work of God the Father.
There is something to be said about love...true love...and I go back to what I know about it.
3-7If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.
The Message
1 Corinthian 13:4-8
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
Love never dies.
It's caused me to think about the way I love others.
today has been a crazy day. the weather has wreaked havoc across Texas and I thought I'd be headed to my home town tomorrow but roads wont be thawed out by then. I may be leaving saturday morning.
there's lots going on. more than I care to share tonight but there is one topic heavy on my mind. it's caused me to re-think alot of aspects of my life.
i got a call from a good friend late this afternoon letting me know that his tia had passed away. from all appearances it would seem that I'd be concerned for my friend but it goes much deeper than that. in fact, my concern is for the entire family that lovingly took me in, in a time of need while living in San Antonio.
all of this was a long time ago and though some relationships have changed, i maintained friendships/brotherhood with Bert and Manny. they looked out for me when I lived in San Antonio. Took care of thing my dad would normally take care of and they taught me the backroads of San Antonio so that if I ever got lost I could get "unlost." and so during my time, these two boys (now men) because like brothers to me.
there have been riffs and disagreements along the way, but their Tia Elena played a unique role in my life. I dont think I understood what that was until I reflected on her part in my life tonight. You see, she gave me nurturing and love when I needed it most. when I was away from my family and unsure what to do, when lifee threw me questions I didnt know how to answer or what to do: she in her gentle but firm voice gave way to wisdom and reason. she maintained a light on my path that allowed me to remain open to my faith despite all the things I thought were happening around me.
while living in san antonio my life crumbled around me in so many very different ways and when I returned back home the summer of 2002, very much crushed and broken in spirit, i didnt know if i'd survive. what i didnt realize is that Tia Elena planted something in me...she sowed a seed that would in its own time germinate and grow into something beautiful. it was only with the passing of time and the living of life that I could truly appreciated and understand what she deposited in my life.
i consider her a mentor and pillar of faith in my own walk. i saw her live out her words and her faith...there were those that had their doubts but never Tia Elena...she held on to the promises God gave her and trusted Him to be her strength.
I looked through pictures of her and in everyone she has that glowing smile...and behind the smile - there is a peace....a peace that passes all understanding that we all know only comes from God...comes from walking hand and hand with Him, in having faith and complete trust....that is how I knew and know Tia Elena....she had a childlike faith and trusted no matter how painful that all things work to the good of those that love and trust and follow the Lord. That is her legacy and her life....that she ran the race and in the end was received by the Father with the words "well done my child, you have run the race well, you have finished, and you are home."
Just the short time I spent with Tia Elena and her family, I came to realize just how close and tight the family was and is. It's something I always and continue to respect and when I think of what family should it, it is the example I look to. No matter what, they are there for one another. So I know that they hurt in missing her presence but because of their faith, I know they rejoice in knowing that Jesus is her home.
I'm not able to be with them as they celebrate her life...but even still her life speaks to mine. It is a reminder that our days are numbered that life is frail and that we must be grateful for every moment of life.
Life is but a vapor.
She loved her family and she loved God and to her dying breath I know that she gave Him glory for her life.
For all that she taught me, prayed for me, shared with me...I am ever grateful. She is sown into the frabic of who I am and what I believe about God. She taught me about being hospitable and what it is to love unconditionally. She wasnt without faults but she was honest about them.
She was like the tree planted by the streams of water. She was gentle and she was firm...and she was strong in faith and we can will all rest in knowing that the day will come when we will see her again and rejoice together the miracles and work of God the Father.
There is something to be said about love...true love...and I go back to what I know about it.
3-7If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.
The Message
1 Corinthian 13:4-8
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
Love never dies.
It's caused me to think about the way I love others.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Yes, I love technology
I can't take credit for today's subject. It evolved from a conversation evoked by an observation by my brother. I dont remember exactly what we were talking about...oh wait....i remember now.
we were talking about "back-in-the-day" songs and how if you wanted to buy your favorite song, you'd hope and pray that they (record labels) released the single cassette recording otherwise you'd have to buy the whole album.
remember those? cassette singles.
they were like $1.99 and instead of having to buy the whole album or recording your jam off the radio while hopin the DJ didn't interrupt (the TRUE mix-tape), you could buy your single on cassette....downloading it or buying it off of itunes or zoomin' through your playlist via a wheel didnt exist....no, this was true old school technology at its best.
it was the days of the walkman, where to save your batteries, if you needed to rewind you'd take your tape and use a pencil to rewind it. The pencil would catch the wheel groves in the tape and you'd swirl it around until it was at the beginning cause if not...you'd run out of batteries. I don't know about your mom and dad buy mine only bought so many batteries during a single time frame.
those were the glory days of pre-technology....
in fact, I remember buying my first vinyl record. It was my fifth birthday present from my mom. she took me down to the music store in the mall and I picked it out. I was super excited to go home and play it on my strawberry shortcake record player. my brother would later acquire a Michael Jackson record player. and if your needle broke - you were outta luck!
i remember for my 6th birthday, my mom took me down to Woolworths to buy my first "radio walkman." It didnt come with a cassette player cause those wouldn't be invented for a few years yet. I went home and was riding my bike in the backyard listening to Tina Turner's "what's love got to do with it?" I was only six and I too was wondering what does love got to do with it? I mean I was only six...
but I kept riding my bike until the battteries ran out, it got dark, or my mom called me in to eat dinner...
those were "simpler times" as G-Lo would say.
So my brother poignantly reminded me that the mall was where it was at. he said, "you had to buy your cassettes at the mall, the movie theater was at the mall, and if you wanted to play cool video games, you had to do it at the arcade" then he said (this one cracked me up)..."and the girls were at the mall...the mall is where it went down."
yes, my bff and I spent many a hours roaming the mall - she was scoping out the boys - i have no clue what i was doing - tagging along probably...or buying earrings at Claires. lol
But my brother brought up something so true....the mall is where social interactivity occurred. its where we'd meet up with our friends and have dessert at el chico's or eat at pizza hut...or get a corn dog from corn dog 7..or buy Hello Kitty paraphernalia at Small Worlds...cookies at coastal cookies (which still exists) or different flavored popcorn at the popcorn store (I think it was popcorn paradise)...or chocolate dipped ice cream bars dipped in sprinkles or peanuts at old time lemonade or catch a movie at the movie theater.
those were the days....
now-a-days...kids game online...buy their music online...they tweet or facebook, "Facebook me." and the last time i saw a movie at a mall was at Northpark in Dallas. Most movie theaters are standalone.
don't get me wrong i'm not anti-social mediums or anything...I have a twitter account and facebook account and have managed to stay connected to many friends i'd lost contact with over the years thanks to facebook. in fact, that's how Ricardo came back into my life.
but i notice there's a certain social dysfunction in society that did not exist 10 years ago..like having a conversation with someone without them picking up their phone to check their facebook, or answer a text, or read an email....
i find myself doing the same and have to remind myself to put my phone away...to give the person i'm with my complete attention. I thought the invention of Cd's was the coolest thing ever cause I could fast forward without a pencil!
I also have to remind myself that just because someone posts something on their facebook doesn't mean I really know that person or know what they mean. for some reason, we think that because we read what a person posts that we really know them. there's an element of in person connectivity that we seem to miss and so we aren't quite as adept at reading people in person as I think we should be. like reading body language or facial expressions.
maybe skype and video chat/ichat will change all of that but....hiding behind a medium seems safer to some. you can present your best side forward so to speak without fear that someone will see beneath. and in a sense it allows us to have control over what people perceive and see/read.
is that where we are headed? who knows....
all i know is that there's nothing like sitting and having a face to face with the people you care about sitting in a coffee shop or restaurant. watching their expressions and being in that person's midst, you catch their vibe in a way you can't with online mediums.
personally, i prefer the face to face and the next time my phone rings or txt message chirps, i'll remember there was a time when communicating so quickly wasn't possible...and the next time i travel with my ipod, i'll remember there was also a time when i'd have to carry a huge case with all my cd's/cassettes in it...and now...a little box with a wheel is all i need to enjoy my music!
my, my, my how time flies....
we were talking about "back-in-the-day" songs and how if you wanted to buy your favorite song, you'd hope and pray that they (record labels) released the single cassette recording otherwise you'd have to buy the whole album.
remember those? cassette singles.
they were like $1.99 and instead of having to buy the whole album or recording your jam off the radio while hopin the DJ didn't interrupt (the TRUE mix-tape), you could buy your single on cassette....downloading it or buying it off of itunes or zoomin' through your playlist via a wheel didnt exist....no, this was true old school technology at its best.
it was the days of the walkman, where to save your batteries, if you needed to rewind you'd take your tape and use a pencil to rewind it. The pencil would catch the wheel groves in the tape and you'd swirl it around until it was at the beginning cause if not...you'd run out of batteries. I don't know about your mom and dad buy mine only bought so many batteries during a single time frame.
those were the glory days of pre-technology....
in fact, I remember buying my first vinyl record. It was my fifth birthday present from my mom. she took me down to the music store in the mall and I picked it out. I was super excited to go home and play it on my strawberry shortcake record player. my brother would later acquire a Michael Jackson record player. and if your needle broke - you were outta luck!
i remember for my 6th birthday, my mom took me down to Woolworths to buy my first "radio walkman." It didnt come with a cassette player cause those wouldn't be invented for a few years yet. I went home and was riding my bike in the backyard listening to Tina Turner's "what's love got to do with it?" I was only six and I too was wondering what does love got to do with it? I mean I was only six...
but I kept riding my bike until the battteries ran out, it got dark, or my mom called me in to eat dinner...
those were "simpler times" as G-Lo would say.
So my brother poignantly reminded me that the mall was where it was at. he said, "you had to buy your cassettes at the mall, the movie theater was at the mall, and if you wanted to play cool video games, you had to do it at the arcade" then he said (this one cracked me up)..."and the girls were at the mall...the mall is where it went down."
yes, my bff and I spent many a hours roaming the mall - she was scoping out the boys - i have no clue what i was doing - tagging along probably...or buying earrings at Claires. lol
But my brother brought up something so true....the mall is where social interactivity occurred. its where we'd meet up with our friends and have dessert at el chico's or eat at pizza hut...or get a corn dog from corn dog 7..or buy Hello Kitty paraphernalia at Small Worlds...cookies at coastal cookies (which still exists) or different flavored popcorn at the popcorn store (I think it was popcorn paradise)...or chocolate dipped ice cream bars dipped in sprinkles or peanuts at old time lemonade or catch a movie at the movie theater.
those were the days....
now-a-days...kids game online...buy their music online...they tweet or facebook, "Facebook me." and the last time i saw a movie at a mall was at Northpark in Dallas. Most movie theaters are standalone.
don't get me wrong i'm not anti-social mediums or anything...I have a twitter account and facebook account and have managed to stay connected to many friends i'd lost contact with over the years thanks to facebook. in fact, that's how Ricardo came back into my life.
but i notice there's a certain social dysfunction in society that did not exist 10 years ago..like having a conversation with someone without them picking up their phone to check their facebook, or answer a text, or read an email....
i find myself doing the same and have to remind myself to put my phone away...to give the person i'm with my complete attention. I thought the invention of Cd's was the coolest thing ever cause I could fast forward without a pencil!
I also have to remind myself that just because someone posts something on their facebook doesn't mean I really know that person or know what they mean. for some reason, we think that because we read what a person posts that we really know them. there's an element of in person connectivity that we seem to miss and so we aren't quite as adept at reading people in person as I think we should be. like reading body language or facial expressions.
maybe skype and video chat/ichat will change all of that but....hiding behind a medium seems safer to some. you can present your best side forward so to speak without fear that someone will see beneath. and in a sense it allows us to have control over what people perceive and see/read.
is that where we are headed? who knows....
all i know is that there's nothing like sitting and having a face to face with the people you care about sitting in a coffee shop or restaurant. watching their expressions and being in that person's midst, you catch their vibe in a way you can't with online mediums.
personally, i prefer the face to face and the next time my phone rings or txt message chirps, i'll remember there was a time when communicating so quickly wasn't possible...and the next time i travel with my ipod, i'll remember there was also a time when i'd have to carry a huge case with all my cd's/cassettes in it...and now...a little box with a wheel is all i need to enjoy my music!
my, my, my how time flies....
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Hello 2011
This one comes a little late as we are now five days into 2011. I spent the last five days in Austin with Ricardo both celebrating the New Year and celebrating our one year anniversary. Yes, Jan 3rd marked our first year together.
This last year of my life has honestly been one of the hardest, most rewarding, and most lessons learned kind of year. It was laden with an interesting journey facing many challenges, lots of growth - learning - developing, and gaining understanding in many new areas.
At the end of 2009, I had no idea that I would embark on a new path in a relationship. I knew that something was imminent but I didn't anticipate being in a relationship at the start of 2010...but the opportunity presented itself and both Ricardo and I took a leap of faith as we embarked on the journey of our new relationship.
As all relationships, the beginning was bliss...and for a while we were very much sheltered and protected from outside elements. Mainly because we created our own unique space in which to protect our relationship in. As we introduced others into our relationship and presented "us" to the world we faced new challenges. Looking back, I think we handled the interjections quite well. I attribute that to both of us being head strong but have seen that Ricardo has a strong understanding of who he is. it's some thing i see more and more when we're together.
i love him for that....
then...i faced family crisis/drama...not quite sure what to call it and in the process of that I came to a crossroads of discovering what's really important to me and why. Ricardo remained a strong rock through out it all and endured some of my emotional outbursts as I wrestled with decisions, finding resolution, and coming to closure.
Fall found us in a new place and as I struggled with making decisions that would affect my future...how i dealt with conflict spilled over into my personal relationships. A few years ago, I decided I wanted healthy relationships in my life and I've made conscientious efforts to move in that direction. I believe Ricardo contributes to my life in this way. He's helped me work through resolving conflict and managing it in a healthy manner.
The holiday's always place odd strains on relationships but most especially when its a "first time" scenario sort of thing. Thanksgiving found me dealing with skeletons in the closet so to speak and just the challenge of resolving my feelings towards certain circumstances. I cant say I dealt with them successfully but can say that the that process taught me some really valuable lessons. Lessons, I'll carry forward with me.
So as I approached the Christmas holiday season I was determined to approach it with an open mind. I was spending my first holiday with Ricardo's family and vice versa. We decided to wait to spend holiday's with each others family for a whole lot of reasons. We've done some birthdays, family events, etc...but nothing super extended. In the end, I enjoyed the time we spent with each others family's.
The time off (break from school) allowed me the time I needed to sort through the remaining issues...just facing the realizations of life in terms of school, career, and family. I've been juggling all three of these aspects but in terms of family I juggle my time between Ricardo and my family. Early in our relationship, I had a discussion with my mom about my time and where my choice would be to spend it. My family will always be my family but Ricardo and I have this one unique opportunity to invest in each other to make this relationship work.
So in the end, I'm very happy with the choice I've made...happy that Ricardo has remained committed and that we are now looking at 2011 with anticipation and great hope. I cant imagine having anyone else by my side as I finish up my graduate work. He's been beyond supportive and always encouraged me in accomplishing my dreams and I can say that I feel the same for him and know that in life the time will come when he will choose to pursue his own dreams and I hope that I'll be just as, if not more supportive of him as he has been of me.
I'm on the brink of having to make major career decisions with several interviews on the horizon and I know this year will bring lots of change...but its change that is good and exciting. Each year has been sweeter than the year before so 2007 was the year of new beginnings and embarking on a life long dream...2008 brought commitment to the dream, 2009 brought the reward of finishing, going to Italy, then moving on to the next part of the dream, 2010 brought lots of work and great rewards in my personal life with the entrance of Ricardo....and as we celebrated the arrival of 2011, I realized just how incredibly blessed/lucky I am to have him in my life.
life is about finding balance...balance applies to many areas of life and I can say that Ricardo brings balance to mine. So grateful for him...grateful for how he helps me to see things from a new perspective and challenges me to be better than i am...but i'm most grateful that he allows me to just be me....
I have high hopes for 2011 and am continuing to work hard knowing that you ALWAYS reap what you sow..i'm starting to see the fruits of work begun in 2007. I'm excited to see what this year will bring and while 2010 may have been challenging...I can say that the lessons learned are invaluable and I will take with me throughout my life.
My resolution for 2011 is to embrace life and to attempt to live each moment to its fullest....whether its reading a book for a paper, or spending a quite moment with my love, Ricardo....to making career choices....I know that all good things come in their own timing.
so hello 2011....i'm ready to see what you will bring!
This last year of my life has honestly been one of the hardest, most rewarding, and most lessons learned kind of year. It was laden with an interesting journey facing many challenges, lots of growth - learning - developing, and gaining understanding in many new areas.
At the end of 2009, I had no idea that I would embark on a new path in a relationship. I knew that something was imminent but I didn't anticipate being in a relationship at the start of 2010...but the opportunity presented itself and both Ricardo and I took a leap of faith as we embarked on the journey of our new relationship.
As all relationships, the beginning was bliss...and for a while we were very much sheltered and protected from outside elements. Mainly because we created our own unique space in which to protect our relationship in. As we introduced others into our relationship and presented "us" to the world we faced new challenges. Looking back, I think we handled the interjections quite well. I attribute that to both of us being head strong but have seen that Ricardo has a strong understanding of who he is. it's some thing i see more and more when we're together.
i love him for that....
then...i faced family crisis/drama...not quite sure what to call it and in the process of that I came to a crossroads of discovering what's really important to me and why. Ricardo remained a strong rock through out it all and endured some of my emotional outbursts as I wrestled with decisions, finding resolution, and coming to closure.
Fall found us in a new place and as I struggled with making decisions that would affect my future...how i dealt with conflict spilled over into my personal relationships. A few years ago, I decided I wanted healthy relationships in my life and I've made conscientious efforts to move in that direction. I believe Ricardo contributes to my life in this way. He's helped me work through resolving conflict and managing it in a healthy manner.
The holiday's always place odd strains on relationships but most especially when its a "first time" scenario sort of thing. Thanksgiving found me dealing with skeletons in the closet so to speak and just the challenge of resolving my feelings towards certain circumstances. I cant say I dealt with them successfully but can say that the that process taught me some really valuable lessons. Lessons, I'll carry forward with me.
So as I approached the Christmas holiday season I was determined to approach it with an open mind. I was spending my first holiday with Ricardo's family and vice versa. We decided to wait to spend holiday's with each others family for a whole lot of reasons. We've done some birthdays, family events, etc...but nothing super extended. In the end, I enjoyed the time we spent with each others family's.
The time off (break from school) allowed me the time I needed to sort through the remaining issues...just facing the realizations of life in terms of school, career, and family. I've been juggling all three of these aspects but in terms of family I juggle my time between Ricardo and my family. Early in our relationship, I had a discussion with my mom about my time and where my choice would be to spend it. My family will always be my family but Ricardo and I have this one unique opportunity to invest in each other to make this relationship work.
So in the end, I'm very happy with the choice I've made...happy that Ricardo has remained committed and that we are now looking at 2011 with anticipation and great hope. I cant imagine having anyone else by my side as I finish up my graduate work. He's been beyond supportive and always encouraged me in accomplishing my dreams and I can say that I feel the same for him and know that in life the time will come when he will choose to pursue his own dreams and I hope that I'll be just as, if not more supportive of him as he has been of me.
I'm on the brink of having to make major career decisions with several interviews on the horizon and I know this year will bring lots of change...but its change that is good and exciting. Each year has been sweeter than the year before so 2007 was the year of new beginnings and embarking on a life long dream...2008 brought commitment to the dream, 2009 brought the reward of finishing, going to Italy, then moving on to the next part of the dream, 2010 brought lots of work and great rewards in my personal life with the entrance of Ricardo....and as we celebrated the arrival of 2011, I realized just how incredibly blessed/lucky I am to have him in my life.
life is about finding balance...balance applies to many areas of life and I can say that Ricardo brings balance to mine. So grateful for him...grateful for how he helps me to see things from a new perspective and challenges me to be better than i am...but i'm most grateful that he allows me to just be me....
I have high hopes for 2011 and am continuing to work hard knowing that you ALWAYS reap what you sow..i'm starting to see the fruits of work begun in 2007. I'm excited to see what this year will bring and while 2010 may have been challenging...I can say that the lessons learned are invaluable and I will take with me throughout my life.
My resolution for 2011 is to embrace life and to attempt to live each moment to its fullest....whether its reading a book for a paper, or spending a quite moment with my love, Ricardo....to making career choices....I know that all good things come in their own timing.
so hello 2011....i'm ready to see what you will bring!
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