"No llores por me..."

This week has been an emotional roller coaster. Work has been insane with a lot of changes. Mostly, the issues I've been dealing with are related to growing pains. I've been spending a lot of my time putting out fires or assisting with solutions. Nothing that's bad just a bit time consuming. I left work Friday with two major presentations to finish developing for a presentation Monday morning.  I'm also wrapping up my third grant review. I had two applications to finish comments.

Needless to say, when I came home on Wed - I was stressed far beyond anything I've experienced in my career/life. I was literally at the point where I didn't care and couldn't care. So I came home and barely said three words to Ricardo. 

This man always knows how to make my world better. Little did I know he had something up his sleeves. The short version is that he presented me with cupcakes to which I squealed with delight but then he was on his knee (which I wasn't completely aware of until after the fact) presenting me with a ring and asking me to be his wife! How could I refuse? I squealed again. If you know me, you know that squeals are saved for super exciting moments! I'm not a squealer!

And so we are now engaged! 

Friday night we had dinner with his cousin and her husband and had a great time. Ricardo's cousin will be assisting us with wedding coordination and I couldn't be happy! She's definitely my kind of peoples! I'm a little OCD when it comes to party planning so I feel very relieved knowing details the day of will be in very capable hands!

So today the plan was to wrap up the grant review and work. I was plugging away when I got a message from my mom this afternoon shortly after 2:15 that  stunned and shocked me. I'd been going back and forth with my mom discussing wedding details. Around 2 pm here txt messages notified me that my parents were with my grandmother and my grandfather was being taken to the hospital. Things like this have happened before and I didn't consider the seriousness. My mom said he'd declined in the last week but he'd given us scares before and pulled through. But everything took a turn by 2:30. By then, my grandfather had passed. We've known for some time that he was nearing the end of his life and we've been preparing for the last year or so. 

I spent the rest of the afternoon trying to wrap up what needed to be done and have spent the last few hours packing to be gone the remainder of the week. 

Funeral services and his final home-going will be Tues and Wed. I have a lot of mixed emotions and while it hasn't quite hit me; I know the next few days will be tough. My folks had already told me that my grandparents wanted me to play at the funeral so I'm headed home tomorrow to help my dad with the funeral services.

Family will start pouring in over the next few days as well. 

I'm grateful for my grandfather's life and celebrating his legacy will be bittersweet. I have fond memories with he and my grandmother. I'm grateful for all the moments I was afforded with both of them and for their wisdom and courage. 

My heart is heavy for my grandmother and my aunt, uncles, and dad. My grandfather lived a long life. I know it was his time and I know he's in heaven tending to some chivos, standing under a tree chewing on some sugar came, and conversing with Jesus. 

He's free from pain, free in a new body, and he's in peace. 

Thanks to those who have sent their condolences and who are praying for us and over us in the days to come. We mourn with hope and it's my prayer that his life be celebrated in a way that honors the life he lived. Life is but a vapor...and while his physical body may be gone; I know we each carry his spirit in us.

While I'm excited about the engagement, I also know how important those life lines to my family are. I'm grateful for a job and boss that allow me to be gone and be with my loved ones. I'm thankful for Ricardo and his understanding that allows me to be gone to tend and be with my family. It means more than anyone could ever know and for that reason I accepted his offer to be his mate for the rest of our lives. 

My grandparents were approaching their 65th anniversary. I hope to have their longevity in marriage. I watched my grandmother faithfully care for my grandfather. Yes they had differences; but  in the end, I know they loved each other and the beauty of the life they shared is inspiring. The sacrifices my grandparents made are what spur me to be and do better each day with the gifts and talents I've been given. 

I've been listening to I can only imagine...

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel 

Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still 

Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall 

Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all 

I can only imagine...

A 20 year journey...

I've been avoiding writing this one...

Partially because I've oscillated whether I'm ready for the consequences...I don't think I'm ready but this blog has never been about being politically correct or pleasantries. This blog is about being honest of where I'm at in life and what I'm facing. Yes, I've kept some details private and others obscured not so much to protect myself but to protect the privacy of others, namely those prevalent in my life.

About seven years ago, I embarked on an unknowing exclusionary journey. I had no idea I was about to shift from some very specific circles and embark into new territory. Most of you know that I've been actively involved in church circles for most of my life. From my mid-teens to my mid-twenties, I was involved in a number of leadership roles in Baptist circles, namely with our convention. I was raised in a Hispanic Baptist Church by parents who have been actively involved since I was young.

Their involvement wasn't immediate. I remember a time when we would visit various churches with my mom. But my Dad came to know the Lord and after that, church life for us changed. We attended as a family and found ourselves members of Primera in my hometown. I think often of our long-time Pastor Fortunato Gonzales. When I was young, I didn't really understand the why's of what he did. It's only now that I truly recognize his firm convictions to stand for what is right and while I've always had a deep respect for his leadership, I appreciate it even more in my adulthood. He was the kind of Pastor that did the right thing whether you agreed or not. He strongly believed in discipleship and I believe his leadership is the reason I have a very strong foundation in Biblical teachings.

As  I moved into my teenage years, I found myself involved in leadership roles. In the ninth grade, I put together a regional youth conference: lined up the seminars/seminar leaders, guest speaker, and musical guests. So it seemed somewhat natural for me to continue pursuing that path. I ended up in a number of leadership roles which I look back and am grateful for in many respects and in others feel like many of those roles ended with deep sacrifices. I can think of one in particular which I think only by the grace of God that I didn't lose my sanity or faith.

It's also one of the main reasons why I decided to take a step away, if you will, from "public" leadership. I've been told many times, you need to be in "full-time" ministry, "you're wasting your talents," "such a shame you're not more active"...to which I have quite a bit to say but I'll refrain for the moment.

I know I've written about the journey I embarked on seven years ago. Taking steps to dedicate myself to my studies and somehow finding my calling in life in my vocation. That hasn't changed: I still feel strongly about my calling in my vocation. To some degree, I've been on a journey of healing and redefining what my role should be and it has been an evolutionary process.

My dad served in several Pastoral roles for most of my 20's and into my 30's and my folks have always been actively involved in leadership roles. This sort of life led to life in a fishbowl where I felt like everything we did or said was watched. To a large degree it was and because I was also in leadership roles of my own, it didn't seem unreasonable or bother me much. You're usually not given alot of grace when you're parents are in leadership roles much less in a leadership role yourself. So if you mess up, well...let's just say the consequences are not favorable....not by ANY means....

I've felt like life was laid out for me...and felt like a number of people around me had high expectations which were almost demanded. It left me feeling in a very uncomfortable...and then I made the conscientious decision to step back from leadership. Not because I was angry, upset, or hurt...but because I saw a trend emerging. People always wanting to be around you when you're actively involved in the circles they want to be in.

Years of that leaves you jaded, weary, and distrustful. Really distrustful and for me that was EXACTLY the case. In fact today, it makes me hesitant of church folks and especially when I get invitations to "visit" a congregation. I often feel like "what is it that you want for me?" Its horrible, yes I know, but its truth and while it's not pretty, its raw honesty.

So why write about all this now. Well, Congreso is on the brink of its 50 anniversary. 50 years...can you imagine? They no longer have elected leaders but back during a time when they did, I served as Secretary and Vice President. I'd like to say it was glorious but honestly, it was alot of hard work. Like all groups of leadership we went through trials and situations and we were tested. It's true of any organization, any role in any organization. It's inevitable. Congreso for me was really a starting point.

Did I know the path it would lead to? Absolutely not. Knowing what I know now, I'm not sure I would, in retrospect, have embarked on the same path. What my 16 year old self didn't know then is that while events are great and all and they can bring you new clarity and focus...where the real work in faith and of faith happens, is in your every day life.

Am I excited for the thousands of teens that are going to gather over the next few days? Absolutely... In fact, my brother is headed there to work as a Congreso staff. Something he's done for a number of years. I'm proud of the work he's doing...proud that he's chosen to be part of something that has the opportunity to impact lives on a grand scale. My best friend is the event planner...so I'll spend time in dedicated prayer for her and the various leaders over the course of the next few days.

And while I support my friends involved, I have this love/hate relationship with Congreso. ok so love and hate are very strong words...its more that I have this inner struggle with the event not for what the event stands for or what it does and attempts to do...but because of the history I have with the event itself and moreso for the path and situations I found myself following.

Now I'll preface by saying some of those situations, I placed myself in and I take full responsibility for that...just as I do for what I've said and done. My real issue is with the folks who have done alot of talking about exactly where I am or rather were they think I am. You may think, ok this seems juicy...what the heck is she talking about?

I'll say this: I think often as "church" members we think we are doing good but in the end sometimes our words and actions are actually more damaging than we're willing to admit. It's the number one reason why I'm so EXTREMELY careful about my words and choice of words. Its why I guard what I say to whom and its why I OWN what comes out of my mouth and what my actions are. I don't shy from my wrongs and when I'm sincerely sorry, I'm quick to try and make amends. But its also the reason, when I'm not sorry, I wont offer an apology. I think to do that is fake and insincere and honestly if I'm not sorry for what I said or did then why should I apologize for it. Yes - I've already been told "you're prideful" and you know what, you're probably right but it still doesn't change the fact that sometimes I'm not sorry for what I say or do.

I'm pretty decisive with action and words. If I decide to move away from you in a relationship, its a done deal. I don't waiver, wont oscillate back and forth...when it's severed, its severed.  Has my own faith/relationship with God changed. ABSOLUTELY...

You cant remain the same having been through some of the things I've been through. In alot of ways, it made me hesitant to trust, watchful, and careful...However in other respects, its also made me much more compassionate, slowed my reactions, and caused me to think through things in a way that I'd not done before. It's made me better and its made me worse...I know I know...it should always make you better...it should but life isnt always about what should occur.

Then there's been the camp of folks that have blamed Ricardo for my shift or change in thought/approach...to that I say "honey, I was on that train long before Ricardo came into the picture." If anything, I can say he's helped me be more honest about my journey and helped to embrace my faith in a way that really isn't about me. He's reminded me that it's about relationships.

So while some of you think you know what's best and others of you just don't give a rat's pata, the bottom-line is that I wouldn't change the journey. Would I want some of it to be less painful, possibly?

This is what I know: there are parts of my journey I hate to revisit but it does't make it go away. Doesn't erase the past...but we don't have to be slaves to who were or things that happened in the past. In large my decision to step out of "public" view, to embark on a quiet journey was more about the discovery of  who I really am and what I really believe and why. Had a remained in "public" view in active roles, I don't think I would've taken time to consider the things that I've had to confront in the quiet moments.

It's also the very thing that has shaped me in my adulthood. I think twice about my actions/words because I don't ever want to inflict the harm on others that some in the past have inflicted on me. Instead of allow those moments to remain negative reminders of mistakes and/or affliction, I opt to chose in allowing those moments to mold me into a better person. I still have moments where I just want to be Laura but lovingly God stops me and pulls out the mirror and says, "are you sure?"

Instead of pulling out the Laura dramatics, I actually take a step back and say "no, that's not the reflection I want." It's a never ending battle and I find myself resonating with what Paul said about "what I want to do, I do not do and things I don't want to do, I do"...

Do I think I'll sit in the follower's seat for the rest of my life? probably not. But this season of learning how to follow has been good. Like all things there's a time for everything. While I don't know what the next season will bring, I do know that I've been gifted in a number of ways and that as each day passes I chose to learn something new. Either in the way I approach life, or what I learn, or even how I see people...I chose to make the most of what appears to be difficult or stormy seasons.

I've been through enough storms to know that God is always faithful and that He will always see me through. In that promise, my faith has never wavered.

I go back to a conversation Ricardo and I had with Dr Romero over dinner. I'm ever grateful for folks like Dr Romero who have kept faith real in both our lives. Dr Romero is Ricardo's long-time mentor and I saw and see exactly why. In our Baptist circles we see alot of folks trying to be "that" leader and alot of folks with political motives. He understands that, understands the politics of the church...but even more so that those elements will exist as long as you have humans in the church. it's inevitable...to expect perfect harmony/union is uptopian and likely not attainable until we are in God's presence for eternity.

What I can say is that meaningful conversations with folks like Dr Romero have steered both Ricardo and I in our faith, they have maintained our hope in something that is outside of ourselves. it is that faith that encourages me to be better to become better, to give more, to be patient, to be merciful, to be something that I'm not capable of being on my own. But more so, those conversations have reminded me that we are all on a journey. Some further ahead than others..my aim isn't for a "leadership" position, isn't that my voice would be heard, isn't to be recognized or even acknowledge. My aim is to be where I'm supposed to be and to be present in the relationships I've called to be present in.

I think specifically of a dear friend that I came to know in graduate school. Had I been involved in "leadership", likely I would've missed the opportunity to visit her in the hospital when she got pneumonia. Out of that visit came a wonderful friendship that I'm extremely grateful for. My friend doesn't have a belief in God and she knows of my faith and the role it plays in my life. Despite those huge differences, we've been able to find common ground and I'm grateful that she's allowed me to see her perspective and more so to just be her friend. I think sometimes as believers we get so caught up in "we need to win people to Jesus" that we forget we need to just love people and hopefully the Jesus part comes after we've really shown who He is in our lives. The deeper context of my journey has been just that....being present in my relationships.

Love people for exactly who they are.

do I mess up? all the time. I'm not perfect....but I'm striving to be better each day and its only with God's grace that it's even a possibility.

Ricardo and I had a conversation about diversity about people around us facing hard and difficult moments in life. We were talking about how some resign "well there's nothing we can do, its going to be what it is..." and others don't understand how "God can allow things like that to happen." We mentioned a piece I had read about  "what Christians should stop saying." I wont get into the details but just to say it resonated with me.

we can sometimes lead people to believe that the reason they're going through trials is because they aren't blessed enough, didn't do enough, havent given enough, havent been good enough, haven't been enough that God would bless them.

To that my thought is this...

When do you really appreciate your Dr? Is it when you go for your early check-up and he gives you all these preventive, uncomfortable screening tests? No...

You appreciate him most when you're lying in a hospital bed in pain and uncomfortable and he's able to prescribe you something or conduct a test to find out what's ailing you and assist you to get better whether it be via medications or therapies....you appreciate what he does and who he is, what he knows...when he helps you. I think the same is with God....we have a deeper appreciate for who He is, what He does in our lives, and how He provides when we are in our greatest need.

Should we wait for adversity to appreciate God? No...but its the adversities in our life that show us what we're really made of...they show us how much we rely on God or how much we need Him. Ricardo asked me one day, why do you want to go to church? I thought about it and said "Because it makes me a better person, gives me peace, and sets the tone for a better week."

By way of my personal nature, I'm aggressive and to some sometimes difficult to stomach. You either like me or you don't...so given that I know that about myself, I need all the "peace, make you a better person" I can get. I know that's why God's sent some amazing people into my life such as my department Executive Assistant. In some instances, I feel that God's sent me into specific people's lives but the reality is that so many of my relationships are symbiotic...I need them as much as they need me: keeps me grateful and appreciative of the beautiful color of folks in my life. In the end, no matter where the journey has taken you, no matter how amazing or how painful...life is about seasons and the one thing I know is that seasons will always change...

In the end, I'll give account for my life and the things I choose. This is my journey...its not perfect, it may not even be right....but it's mine..

you don't have to agree with any of it. the point is neither to persuade or dissuade anyone. its to be honest so that I can be honest with God about what I think and feel. I find that when you get to a place of honesty then God beings the real work.

He who began a good work in you, will be faithful to complete it...

finally home....

Alot on my mind tonight.

I'd started writing a post a few weeks ago but for some reason couldn't get past the title. I'd titled it "Sometimes you need a little direction."

Life has been just insane and I'm beginning to see this is my "new" normal. I've stopped asking if it could get any more crazy...because usually that's about the time that things take a turn at crazy blvd and I-think-I-might-lose-my-mind drive. I feel like the crazy in my life is to build up a tolerance.

I've dealt with more crazy in the last three weeks than I'd like to deal with for the remainder of my life.

I guess I should revisit this mantra that I've had for a while...that my life wasn't meant for the easy road or to do the easy things but to do the hard things...to dive into the ocean instead of wading in the kiddie pool. The crazy brings an assortment of colors to my "crayon" box....I know one of you specifically will get my reference. Yes...I suppose that without the crazy and the CRAZIES...my life would be a stark white pallet. Sometimes its the stark white against the pallet of color that is most beautiful. I try to remind myself of that when I start to be overwhelmed...

Even through the chaotic, hectic, and crazy...I'm grateful that God has given me a centered calm...a peace to maintain my wits and to remember in the end, He's in control. Do things turn out like i'd hope? sometimes...sometimes they turn out better....and so I trust that what I think may be best is not always what is best...but God knows..He always knows best.

I suppose that's why this time in life seems so very bittersweet. While parts of life are moving into these beautifully colored new seasons, there's also this part of life that is coming full-circle. I've not mentioned my grandfather or his failing health. The changes are visible. He'd gone from being this strong and determined man to spending most days sleeping. It's natural...it's what's supposed to happen when you're body begins to slowly wind down for the process that each of us will face when we go from this life to the next.

As a believer there is something so mystical and beautiful about the transition but in the same moment because of our humanity something so painful and sad. I love my grandfather and while I'd love him to stay, I know that in his present state he cannot. God didn't design us that way.

There are so many things I could say about my grandfather but more than anything, I'm so grateful for the opportunity the Lord provided that I could know them better both my grandfather and grandmother. As a family, we are where we are, blessed with what we have because of the sacrifices of my grandparents. We could say that they could have done this or that better...but the bottom line is that hindsight is always 20/20. For now...the past is the past, what I chose to carry forward is goodness...memories of laughter, stories that i'll pass on to my children, and a legacy that will propel me in my work.

My grandfather was an immigrant to the US. He came here in hopes of something better for his children. Both he and my grandmother made sacrifices to start a life here with hope. I pray that they see that hope in their children and grandchildren. I owe who I am and who I've become in large part to my grandparents. I've seen the driving force of hard work to reap what you sow, living modest lives with a focus on relationships not material things, being good to all people especially your neighbors, and appreciating the small things in life.

So the memories that mean most to me....I'd have to say the one that comes most prominently to mind is being a child with my cousins. We'd often stay while our parents were running errands or for me, I'd stay with my grandparents after school. My grandfather would give us $.50 and eventually $1.00 to walk to the store just a block from their house. He was always generous and often would watch to see that we made it to and back from the store.

The other is my grandfather and his bananas! Oh how he loved bananas! You knew you were someone special if he offered you one. My nephews love bananas as well...I can hear my nephew asking him if he can have a banana...and my grandfather offering him one.


Always amazed me to see four generations of Leyva's in one room...I think it's after hearing their stories of struggles and yes some were even exaggerated (by my grandpa nonetheless!). I had an opportunity as I was working on my undergrad degrees to have lunch with them about once a week. I'll be forever grateful for that time. I got a rare glimpse into their every day lives and heard stories of their lives in Mexico and their migration to the US.

They worked hard to provide for their children to give them an opportunity at education...I believe this is their legacy. They feared God and they loved as best they could with what they knew...but if it weren't for them and their shoulders which we stand on, I don't think we'd seen modeled hard work, persistence, dedication, or have instilled in us elements of being stubborn, angered by social injustices, or driven to succeed for a greater cause. Those are all elements, principals, and values sown by our grandparents.

Maybe they'll never know exactly what they've given us, but almost over 10 bachelor, 5 masters, and 2 doctoral degrees...I hope they can see the fruit of their labor and be proud of the seeds they've sown. They've sown seeds in faith. My grandmother prays for each of us and always before we left her home she blessed us!

What I'll miss most is seeing the twinkle in my Grandather's eyes when my nephews would visit. He just got a kick out of how my nephews pronounced Buelo (Abuelo) and Buela (Abuela). He genuinely loved their affection and I could see that it brings/brought alot of joy to both of them.


I hope...

No

I know he's gonna have that same smile when he finally makes it home.

Prayers for our family, always appreciated!

Plumb "Real" (official video) (+playlist)

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Love Plumb!

when the body says slow it down!

well..this week did not start out as planned.oh but does life ever go like that? Monday afternoon I found myself in the ER having both my GI Tract and Cardiac system being looked at. Had a high heart rate, slight temperature, with normal blood pressure and was in extreme pain. Several hours and tests later, I was admitted and been going through a gauntlet of tests.

No clear answers as of now...so we'll see. Labs in the morning and hopefully I'll be discharged. Hoping its earlier in the morning than later. Needless to say, I feel a whole lot better today than I did yesterday so not sure what happened. Ricardo's been a super trooper staying with me so my folks wouldn't have to make the trip up. I figured why put them through that if it turned out to be something minor? Seems to have been the right call.

so I've gotten an unexpected and slightly painful mandatory vacation... threw a kink in my plans for the week but I guess my body had other intentions. Oh well - taking the time to rest and heal....Hoping to be discharged tomorrow...

Time

I've been telling myself that I'm going to find time to blog more often this year. So here goes my attempt to do so. I'll start today's post with a quote.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary. ~ Steve Jobs

I've been thinking about this quote for some time. Ricardo and I are on the eve of our four year anniversary. For awhile now, we've been getting the "is marriage on the horizon?" question. Let me defer a response for now.

Instead, I'll say that I had a conversation with Ricardo sometime around our first year together. I told him that we'd both know when the right time was for the next step in our relationship and that I wanted our relationship to evolve naturally over time: not as "others" would dictate our relationship should go.

We're both older both very strong-willed individuals and I can say that taking our time in our relationship has been best for both of us. Neither one of us has the expectation that relationships are a "fairy-tale" affair. Ricardo and I are realist and value honesty and truth. While those values are important to us, they do not come without a price or easily. We're both extremely self-aware of our own faults and in some ways that makes things easier and makes things harder.

All in all we've found our own rhythm and pace for our relationship that works for both of us. Unknowingly, finding that rhythm and doing away with meeting expectations has created this beautiful safe zone. It allowed us to create a safe haven to allow things to evolve naturally. So when we decide to move forward, we'll do so with eyes wide open and hearts knowing.

We've in essence followed our own hearts and intuition. There have been tough moments and a few when we both thought "are we going to survive this?" But you wouldn't really know what your relationship is made of if it wasn't for those tough moments. That's when you're really tested and with the challenge comes growth.

So I'm happy to be where we are: celebrating four years together and if and when the time comes to move forward - a joyous celebration that will be. For now, I'm happy to share a quiet anniversary dinner with the man who has my heart! To many more celebrations in future!

The last four years have been a ride and i'm grateful for the partnership we've built together.

Breakfast Club

New Year's Eve...

Where to begin?

Most everyone I know has written about the successes and/or failures of 2013. I thought about doing the same mostly because everyone is reflective this time of year.

You can't help but be reflective? Saying good-bye to the past and hello to a new year..its a sort of new beginning and aptly fits the title of my blog.

That's how this blog started out: chronicling the journey of life. Life has indeed been a journey. Sometimes a powerfully fulfilling one and at times its been draining and vampish.

Through it all: I've managed to make it through. Not on my own strength. Always because of a silent strength that only comes from faith: from God - the Father. If it weren't for that faith, I might lose my head, my perspective, my way...

It's that light that keeps me focus on the end goal of finishing the race and finishing it well.

I don't know what 2014 is going to bring though it will likely will bring major changes to my family. Some changes will be joyous and others will be grief-stricken...but we'll keep moving forward just as time does.

Not going to dwell to much on speculation about what is to come because it's just that: speculation.

Instead I can only focus on the present and the now. Reflect on the past and allow what I've been through to change and mold me in a positive light.

In the end, any reflection always leads me to gratitude which I think is only fitting since all praise to God is derived from gratitude. I'm very grateful for so many things...my family for one and then my job/work for another.

I'm grateful for my family and friends or friends I consider family (you know who you are!). Through everything we've been through we wouldn't be where we are today without the love, support, and prayers of so many of you. I liken your prayers to the support beams of a bridge. They're the foundation and because of you we're able to cross chasms and valleys...able to see glorious views. I know for many of you my visits have decreased due to the things going on with my immediate family. Please know I hold each of you in my heart, pray for you often, and even though we don't speak often know where our relationships really stand. We are grateful for those of you who stand in the gap for us. You have brought us joy. So I think of you often every time I hear Watermark's "More than You'll Ever Know." I'm reminded that we're in this journey called life together. Blessing #1

I've come to see and realize that I work with a great group of folks who are genuinely caring and so eclectic. I really enjoy my time with them and learn sooooo much from them. It's incredible! I find it to be a great privilege to be part of a group that is truly in every sense of the word: "collaborative." Egos aside, each working together as one unit. Blessing #2

Then there's Mr. Casillas - who many of you have known has been in my life for quite some time. I always reflect on us because we will celebrate four years together come Jan 3rd. This next year will likely take us on the next leg of our journey together. I'm grateful for him in so many ways. I refer to my bff's alot but truly Ricardo is my closest friend. He compliments me in ways I sometimes cannot understand. And while yes we sometimes drive each other nuts: he's often the solid voice of reason I need in my life. Yes I tend to be aggressive and assertive and no that hasn't changed much only tempered by some maturity...but I also tend to be all over the page and sometimes can be fragmented, overbearing. Ricardo keeps me grounded, keeps me real, keeps me focused, and he keeps me accountable. I can't thank him enough for that: can't thank him enough for our partnership and for the way he makes my world better. Yes I have found my better half...

This year has been a lot about change and growth. About understanding where I'm headed and learning how to support those I love most.

I know that life is going to bring additional seasons. Seasons that will be hard and seasons that will be joyous. But we'll weather them together.

It's not the stuff in life that's important: not the accolades, not the accomplishments, not what you accumulate: it's the condition of our hearts and the relationships we develop while we're temporarily on earth. 

I've spent the last year (actually last 7) removing cancerous growths from my life; focusing on positive contributors instead. Life is too short to spend with folks who detract from life instead of contributing. "Ain't nobody got time for that!"

One of my major goals this year is to be more a positive contributor to others. Passing on what I know and have as I'm able.

A little over due...

What happens when you've driven through crazy weather, found out your grandmother was taken to the ER, and can't sleep (possibly from the dinner you just had hours ago)? 

My response...write a blog. Must mean I have some things on my mind and yes there's quite a bit - from all fronts. 

So first things first, the drive home. I originally intended to come home last weekend but was nursing an ailing wrist. Still recovering but in much better shape than last week! 

As it would be, the weather was a bit nasty and so it took me an hour longer to get through the hill country. I called me mom as soon as I got in and discovered my grandmother had been taken to the ER and so off to her house I went. My Grandfather had a stroke recently and slowly has been deteriorating. To his credit, he's been extremely active for most of his life and now his body is tiring. My grandmother has been his primary caregiver with help from family members.

I try to see my grandparents as often as possible. A few years ago, I realized I had this rare opportunity of time to get to know them better in my adulthood as I finished my undergrad degree. So I tried to stop by as often as possible and even learned how to make tamales with my  sister by my grandmother.

I learned about their families and where they and from. Heard stories (some even inflated! by my grandpa) with my grandmother setting my grandfather straight!

Some really great memories! So it's hard to see them aging. It's inevitable though...I see it in my parents and it reminds me just how fleeting time is!

Brings me to my brother-in-law: I'm not sure exactly what to say but that he's still with us and undergoing a treatment in a facility in Houston. His situation is precarious at best and I'm not going to comment much out of respect for my sister. I do think the current care he is receiving is a step in a positive direction and I pray for their next steps. End of life care and end of life care decisions are never easy and even though we may think oh this is what I'd want in that situation until you're there: you don't realize just how difficult it really is on everyone.

For us, the most important things is the happiness and safety of my sister, her boys, and Cary. There are no clear cut answers and no simple solutions. But we pray whatever time God grants them together leaves positive impressions on the boys. Life is hard and challenging: we don't deny that not do we sugar coat life to think that it's great all the time. Instead we attempt to live out unconditional love and support. Even when it means FaceTime'ing with two little boys hunkered down in a 'Secret Fort'! 

As if those challenges in life weren't enough, a lot of changes happening at work. My team is growing quickly and as new people are added, adjustments are being made. I don't stress over things like that over change. It's necessary and inevitable. I try to remain positive and to turn the challenge into teachable learning moments. So with the holidays comes a fury of activity and many deadlines. Secretly I find it enthralling! Ask me in a few months how it went!

So then there's Mr Ricardo! This man who I'm extremely grateful for! He gives me the freedom to be where I need to be and understands the things most important to me. Not only does he support my dreams but he takes care of the things that I cannot. Like fixing my car after I ran over a carcass! He doesn't demand that I attend his family holidays nor do I demand that of him. We had some discussions about Thanksgiving and initially I was going to spend it with his family but because of recent events feel the need to come home and be with my family. He understands that and is ok with it. He takese to see my nephews whenever I ask and more important cares for my nephews. I don't know what if do without this man! I'd survive for sure but he makes my life better. So the question we're always asked: when are you getting engaged? 

We've been together coming up on four years...I get it but I also get this issue of timing. Being the right thing for both of us and when it's the right time, it'll happen. I'm not anxious about it not expecting a time table...we have limited time to be where we are now and rather than runnig and jumping into the next phase: I'd rather things evolve naturally and not artificially. This relationship is to important to jump and skip ahead...so sorry folks no easy answers and besides I'm not the one doing the asking anyhow! Lol my job is to sit back and enjoy the ride and it's been a sweet one so far!

I'm finally sleepy and there's actually a lot going on this weekend. Finishing up the planning for my folks 40th anniversary dinner so tomorrow is a busy day! And of course keeping an eye on the weather for the travel home!   Next week is a three day work week...well I say that but inevitably end up taking work home! Be blessed!

Temporary Home

HOLA WORLD!

I know it's been a while. I've been waiting to write until I have some great epiphany or incredible news...but most of the news these days has been a bit sad. I feel like I won a one way ticket to crazy-town with all the insanity in my life.

All that to say that yes I do count the incredible blessings in my life and all the crazy-town happenings force me to appreciate the very small things in life. Like when Ricardo holds my hand or lets me sing like a crazy maniac to Lisa Loeb's Stay in the car on the drive to Angelo.

We're in town to celebrate my birthday. Oh yes another year has come and gone. At this conjecture, I'm glad to be alive and in decent health, a few pounds heavier but otherwise doing ok. Yes my bro-in-law is approaching the end-of-life, yes, i've lost more loved ones this year than all the years of my life...yes life seems crazy insane. I sat down earlier this week and thought God how is it possible to have sanity through any of this and He reminded me how: because deep down I know He's in control.

I make feeble attempts to shoulder the crazy and when I'm just about to bang my head against the tiled walls in the shower; I resign and allow God to take His rightful place. Yes - I alone cannot shoulder the burden but then again I was never meant to. It's in those moments that God graciously - did I say graciously? I meant GRACIOUSLY steps in a takes and carries that burden for me. For that I'm grateful beyond words.

At this point in life, you have to find or I mean I HAVE TO FIND beauty in the everyday kinda moments. Like over lunch conversation with a co-worker. I've really had to step outside of my wants and needs and reach out to others. It's been good to be connected - to have fellowship and have support.

One thing I've learned, no matter how you feel, no matter what you face - life continues moving forward. People continue moving forward. I believe its not about our reaction but about our response to life. What do I choose to do with what I know, what I have with what I do...

In the midst of the crazy, there are some really great things happening. I've been asked to be a part of the NSHMBA Ignite Panel at their national conference in Oct in San Antonio. Huge opportunity to talk about what NSHMBA has meant in my professional life and the opportunities available to students. I know that my education is a blessing from God and committed to giving back and helping other students achieve and accomplish their dreams and goals. It's why as a family we're committed to the Raiders Rojos Scholarship Fund in honor of my Mom - a veteran educator. It's why I pass on whatever knowledge I have to my co-workers and work hard to continue fostering a collaborative work environment with my team. It's why I love my job and the people I work with who understand we are working towards a common goal for the good of the organization we serve. It's also why I pass on any resources I have to anyone interested and looking to better themselves, their families, and their world. I'm a sucker for anyone who wants to affect positive change!

So being back in town - always good to visit your roots and since that also includes most of my extended family then of course its good to be back! Visiting my grandparents tomorrow and dinner tomorrow night. This trip though is bittersweet for a number of reasons.

First, my sister is on vacation with her family nucleus enjoying some last moments with Cary - my bro-in-law. Making memories for the boys and embrace the time they have left together. She spoke with the hospice dr and was told Cary doesn't have much time left. She's been in this boat before so she's not exactly embracing the expectations - though we are very aware that it is somewhere on the horizon. We'd love to spend some time with boys but they need to spend time with their mommy and daddy...its that important.

I have two good friends who have lost loved ones this week - almost hours apart from each other. The first her father - whom we have known for a number of years and is just an incredible guy. He's young by what I consider to be death's standards. He leaves an incredible legacy and touched many lives. In my opinion, his calling home was unexpected.

Tonight after dinner, my dad joined Ricardo and I at the table and we told stories of our time with this family and specifically about Pastor Johnny Fira. He always made us laugh and he could make his wife laugh like crazy!  You always knew he was in trouble when she would say JOHNNY FIRA! Lol...He's also left behind two children and grandchild. If he felt about his grandson the way my dad does about his....then he leaves behind a void only a grandpa can fill. Something special about grandparents and their grandchildren. Kristen has been a long-time friend and we go waaaaay back to Ga's and Acteens.

She spent some time with us at my parents church and has a testimony of her own. But i've watched her come into her own and become a mother and wife. It's a really beautiful thing. I also know she loves her daddy dearly. I know she loves both her parents dearly...so I ask for prayers for them. For her mom who loved her dad in such a beautiful way. She cared for him in his final days. I remember the time she told me about her wedding day and the smile on her face and the sparkle in her eyes. She loved that man deeply in a way that's an incredible example of a God-centered marriage. I'm not saying they're perfect or anyone one of us is perfect I"m just saying that they lived life in the attempt to Glorify God and point others to Him. Isnt that how each believer attempts to live life?

My other friend lost his grandfather. He lived a very long life and will be missed by many. Age doesn't make the loss any less painful. This friend also has a daughter who was given a devastating diagnosis late last year. It's something I just cant wrap my brain around. I think if anything - his daughter has taught me to make the most of each moment. Her picture hangs on my refrigerator and every time I see it - I say a prayer for her and her mommy and daddy. So it goes without saying that prayers for the Rodriguez family are much appreciated.

So life after death has become ever apparent to me. it has to with everything happening around me and to the people I care about most. This is life...we are living and dying...I go back to the little things. Not getting caught up in the unimportant things but focusing on the things that do matter in life. Making my relationships count and giving them the importance they require.

I'm so thankful for the people who have crossed paths with mine. I may not favor some folks but those challenging situations in our lives make us better and hopefully stronger people! As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another....in so many ways the folks in my life do that for me...they sharpen me...prepare me for what's to come, make me better in ways that I would never be capable of....its when I stop to see, understand, and embrace that - that I see the true value in the relationships in my life...its not all about them pouring into my life but also about giving back to others....to challenge yourself to be better for others...to serve and to love others.

I understand that its easier to say than do...more than you could know. But I also know that I wasn't called to do the easy thing in this life. God has never worked that way in the course of my life and I certainly don't expect Him to start now. I know its because - in this format it makes me trust Him and to lean on Him completely.

I like to be somewhat self-sufficient and reliant but more and more I see the beauty of being connected to something better and bigger than myself. There's a real value in being sharpened by others.I could name so many folks who have challenged me to be better - gave me so many great memories - taught me so many things - accepted me when I needed to be accepted and embraced me as the family of God. I know I'm not the only one who received such an incredible gift from them. I'm grateful for every fiber of fabric woven into my life. Thankful for opportunities that I'm not capable on my own.

So tomorrow as I celebrate with family and friends, I realize that there's not much more that I could want or need. I've been blessed beyond measure and truly my hearts desire is to just pass on and give back the blessings bestowed upon me. For that reason I say that life is good. It's good because even though i'm so grateful for another year of life - there's this part of me that mourns with my friends - mourns to see them hurt and to know a small piece of the loss they feel - I'm grateful to be alive to be able to tell my loved ones exactly how I feel about them, grateful for the opportunity to be an extension of God's love...I'm not perfect and I continue to have much growing to do...but the one thing that i'm most certain of is that I have more than enough...that God has provided more than enough. That all I need has already been provided to me...it clears the rose stained lenses and gives me a clear picture of the 'stuff of life'.

so today I encourage you to make the most of your moments with loved ones. Hug your mom, call and tell your dad that you love him just because....no one knows when their last moments will be and when I reach the end of my time here, I want to know that I did everything I could to run my race and that I made every attempt to run it well.

To those who have gone before us - thank you for running your race, thank you for running it well, and thank you for blessing us with the essence of who you were - you caused us to grow, gave to us great gifts of laughter and joy, and teach us how to run our race better! Words could never be enough to express that gratitude so I choose to honor you be allowing your life and what you imparted into mine to change me for the better to be better not just for myself but for others and and those around me and to honor God.

Thanks for joining me in tonight's ramblings...my heart is sad for my friends but joyful in knowing my friends will see their loved ones again. Joyful for the lives they lived and the work accomplished in their lives. Our lives are better because they were in them. It's not goodbye only goodnight...after all, this was only your temporary home.

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