Unanswered prayers...

I just finished posting to Cary's blog and happened to read through some of my old posts on my travel blog. One in particular stood out. I wrote it around the time I moved to Lubbock. I can still remember the excitement and apprehension of moving away and being homesick but excited for the road I was on.

Around the same time, I had lots of new people come into my life and one in particular that had been part of my past. There were two (cough, cough) "suitors" in my life and unbeknownst to me and against my intuition - I went with a choice that seemed textbook.

oh how mistaken I was.

it was from that context that I wrote the blog i've posted at the end of this post.

not knowing and unsure.

I had a conversation with my mom today. She was telling me that she had a conversation with my sister and that she had told her, "whenever something bad happens - something good will come of it."

I had to completely agree and I chuckled at just how true that was for me. I thought one relationship would've been so perfect and it turned out it couldn't of been further from the truth.

I wouldn't know that until some time later in the semester along with another incident that would cause me to see that what I was looking for was right in front of me the whole time.

Odd how that happens, right?

According to the textbook, Ricardo couldn't have be more wrong for me. And there were plenty to tell me so.

I've made many decisions - some have been good ones and some not so good. What I've learned is that there's this gut feeling that comes before I've made any of those decisions.

It's happened recently - and i'm ever so glad I listened and it happened with Ricardo.

a relationship that was so wrong would be exactly what I needed to see what was so right about Ricardo for me. I know some people think how do these two survive? (I'm sure Ricardo asks himself that sometimes too! lol)

I could just be me and he didn't run off scared...there was something to that! so looking back at the two plus years we've shared together, I dont know who could ever be a more perfect fit for me or my life.

He was beyond supportive as I chased after my dreams/education. In the midst of family crisis, he's been the pillar I can lean on. He helps me reason what I cannot and provides this oh-so-necessary balance to my life.

Sometimes I don't like it but we dont always like what is necessary.

I've learned more about who I am and what I want from this life and he's been supportive every step of the way. I've been a bit uptight but he allows me to relax.

I think we both knew it the night of our first date where I actually slumped at dinner. Not something I normally do, but something about him that was calming, reassuring, and safe that I finally felt I could let my guard down. Boy am I glad I did...it has been a ride for sure and I know that we have more to go...but every mile we've travelled together has been worth it.

Valentine's Day is around the corner and I love everything about Valentine's Day. Ricardo - not so much...but he endulges me and allows me my moment of Valentineness. So this is my love letter to him..and yes, I've opted to share it with you.

Because I do believe that out of something "bad" something good/beautiful will come from it. It's hard to see it facing it head on and it isnt until time has passed that you realize the beautiful that emerged from the ashes.

I wouldnt have the appreciation I have for Ricardo and all his quirks had it not been for that other relationship which was so wrong. It was the so wrong of that relationship which allowed me to see the oh-so-right in Ricardo. And it's those things that I value most in who Ricardo is and who he is in my life.

He's not perfect, but he's perfect for me.

i've had plenty of time for contemplation which has landed me here writing this blog. seems strange that the last time I wrote from this location I called it home, now i'm merely a visitor. life has been oddly wonderful and oddly strange in the last few weeks and I can hardly recognize any resemblences to pre-italy life. amazing what a few new experiences can do to you. I don't say that lightly either because life has handed me a stack of changes, some expected others not.

I don't desire to go into any depth of the happenings in my life as of late: mainly to protect the not-so/innocent. what I can say about recent happenings is that I've been left feeling "sucker punched."

it has made me seek comfort and peace from a familar place but even that relationship has evolved to something new. the comfort I've found is in God continuing to quiet my heart and teach me thru my circumstances.

these have not been easy or painless lessons. in fact, I can't really remember the last I felt this way. its not easy to navigate through uncharted waters....yet, that is where I find myself.

as always, I remain positive but can't seem to escape a sinking feeling about certain situations: call it intuition, call it knowledge, call it nothing at all.

shifts are inevitable.

the courage I once strongly had to delve into the deep appears to be failing me now in hesitation. my fault in that thought is that emotions are fleeting and there is courage to be found in foundations laid strong - not in the emotional throes of life.

it's easier to be tossed around in the wake of circumstances instead of lowering the anchors from deep within our spirit giving way to stability. being tossed around always leads to disorientation and "sickness." but anchoring allows us to maintain the course and provides stability.

it is the harder choice but when the storm subsides we will find ourselves where we should be and not shipwrecked with Gilligan and the crew on a deserted island. that's where I find comfort and peace knowing i'm safe in God's hands.

contemplation and yearnings

I seem to only write blogs late in the evenings or on saturday mornings. Apparently, that's when I do most of my reflection.

So this week has just about taken everything outta me. Too much going on and I'm grateful for friends who've lifted my spirits and reminded me of the important stuff.

my bro-in-law was readmitted and we're waiting to see if he's going back in for surgery. it's been hard to watch my sister and her boys walk down this road. i'm itching to pay them a visit. working on the details of trying to get there. just wish i didnt live 9 hours away. that makes it really hard.

then there's work which seems to have piled upon us in a hurry. we had some personnel changes and that's all i'll say about that. seems like there will be possiblities for the future but we wait for time to tell. i came home for work today and worked another three hours at home. insanity...but i cant complain because i really do love my job.

i also joined the board of a children's clinic here. that i'm super excited about because i did my internship with this clinic so i know firsthand how much the staff love their patients. i'm glad to be serving and using my time to further their mission and cause.

my mom decided to retire. its official. i'm happy for her but also uncertain how else I feel about it. i'm glad definitely - she needs the break and to rest and to spend time with her precious grandsons. they're too hilarious together...

but that means she'll have lots of free time and i'm not sure what that means for me! LOL...i kid of course. i love my mother and enjoy my time with her. but we have a time spent together limit/cap before one of us gets mad or upset at the other. I think its because we're more alike than I like to think.

there are just alot of unknowns right now. makes life challenging. but then again i knew this life wouldnt be challeng free. i'm trying to concentrate and focus on the things that matter.

John Mayer's "clarity" best describes the state I'd like to be in or am in...just feelin "heavier things" this week. i know better than to make decisions/choices in an "emotional state" because emotions are ever so fleeting. just gonna let time sort things out. for the first time in a whilee, i feel very mellowed out. is that odd? or does that mean i'm finally growing up?

whatever it means...i'm just going to enjoy being in the moment and focusing on the things that matter.

Carry Me

Just wanted to share a link...

Just wanted to share a link.

The least of these...

Self-righteousness and critical judgement of others never leads to inner peace, rest, or happiness. Seems odd to post but it's something I saw and read. Just from observation an attitude of self-pity only brings bitterness and disdain of others you may never truly understand or know.

I thik my cousin was right when she posted about social coonections via online lead to a false sense of knowing someone. Reading some one's postings and taking them at full face value can lead to misunderstanding with no effort to really understand where the other person is coming from or what led them to certain conclusions.

Sadly, i've seen this played out to many times and to often have had people attempt to what they would consider "pour" into my life without having seen or spent anytime with me in recent months. By months I really mean a long consecutive amount that could add up to years and yet they preface their wisdom with "I love you."

Really? Then where have you been all the time prior?

This "revelation" is not something new and is the reason I've cut people out of my life since my return from Italy. Life is much more peaceful and simplier without those dramatics.

Yes, you're free to believe what you want but i'm also free to believe you don't need to be a part of my life. Harsh, maybe but it's truthful. I'm not going to offer apologize for believing or thinking as I do. That's not who I am and never has been...apologize for being ugly about it, sure but not apologizing for being honest about how I really feel.

Life is too precious and too short to spend it dwelling on what others think or believe which is why I'm not angry or bitter. I've just moved on and will contiue to do so to the best of my abilities.

So why write aout it? Because I believe there are varying stages of moving on and sometimes, especially for me, it's therapeutic to get my thoughts out and processed. Doesn't mean they're absoluetly right or will remain the same but it's part of an ever evolving humanity that is moved and changed by life's experiences.

Something I hope never changes. There will be those in my life who we will never agree on politics, or other issues but truly I consider opposing views and do learn from being challenged. Maybe not in the way you would like but I try to learn something from everyone who enters my life. For my MBA experience, i'm truly glad because my class was very diverse. I got the opportuniy to meet some really amazing people who will go on and accomplish amazing things in life. I'd rather focus on those opportunities to have my world colored by varying views than to sit and listen to the judgement and criticism.

At the end of the day, i only have to be at peace with my own thoughts, choices, and decisions. And if I'm not, I know tomorrow will be another day to try.

Believe

the big and the small

Today, I realized I'll hit my one year anniversary of employment with my healthsystem in February. My how time flies. So much has changed in just one year in both my professional and personal life.

I remember that first week wondering if I had made the right call by choosing healthcare as my concentration for both my master's degrees. I also remembering wondering if I had what it takes to make it in my line of work? There are days when I still wonder that.

But a year later, my department has undergone some major changes. Some unexpected, others necessary and still daily we face new challenges. Something I hope never changes. And I hope the day never arrives when I think I've learned it all or have it all figured out. Maybe to have more understanding but it's the challenges that cause us to dig deep, investigate, and cause us to grow and learn.

To be comfortable isn't an option.

The most valuable lesson I've learned this year is that comfort in my line of work can be a dangerous thing. We should constantly be challenging oursleves to do and be better. There's always room for improvement and so that's the path I'm chasing down...

I've learned alot in this last year and looking back to when I started I could've never imagined the road i'd travel down. Oddly, enough - what my job has taught me most is about the important things in life...not promotions, not titles, not money...but life.

Strangely enough, those lessons have been reinforced in my personal life as well. Many of you know about the medical journey my bro-in-law has been on and that he's been given a grim prognosis. So in this year, we've had to and are facing the concept of life and death.

Cary turned 30 this year so he's not very old depending on what side of that number you're on and your concept of old!

So given this complex journey for my family, I take that experience with me to my job. I try to remember that families are dealing with complex issues when I see them in the hall. It's very much changed my approach and understanding of the people we serve. I guess you could say that its brought humanity to my work.

This journey has been bittersweet and even now there's much uncertainty. Some days all we can do is to take one day, one moment at a time.

the town I live in

Well hello 2012! Last time I wrote was I don't remember when and I honestly meant to write and update on the latest happenings. But things got crazy over the Christmas holidays. For starters, my bro-in-law ended 2011 and started 2012 in the hospital. He gave us a real scare! He's still in the hospital and slowly recovering so we appreciate any prayers you can send up on his behalf!

ok so I thought the crazy drama would end there but it didn't...and to be honest, I'm not really concerned with any of it so we won't discuss it. But Ricardo and I did spend the most time, we've ever spent together as in the same city...same vicinity, etc...you get it?

He spent Christmas break in Lubbock. So after the festivities with both our families, we made the trek with Miss Fancy in tow to Lubbock. This was huge for a number of reasons but mainly because this would be the test to see if our relationship works because it works or if it works because we live so far away from each other! lol

I laugh about this but I was probably just as serious/scared about the results as Ricardo was. Mainly because we were closing in on our two year anniversary. According to our early plans, we should've been married by now but for one reason or another just hadn't gone in that direction.

Looking back, I think it was for good reason. There are just some things that sometimes need to happen to naturally evolve you to the place you need to be for certain life events to be in their right timing.

anyhow..there is no speculation about marriage, etc so don't go drawing conclusions or making assumptions. what is fact is that Ricardo and I celebrated two years together and it was good. we were able to reflect on the last two years and if anyone tells you that relationships are clear cut and simple, stay away from their advice cause they've been drinking from the "lala land" punch bowl.

relationships are anything but and for some odd reason it finally clicked that there are no right or wrong answers to relationships but that it really is about honesty, communication, trust, and vulnerability.

Ricardo and I passed the can we live in the same vicinity test and honestly, it was nice to have him close by. so we're working on remedying the whole "living half way across the state from one another" situation. that makes me happy...and honestly, i'm happy with where we are and how our relationship has naturally progressed.

I finally realized I just needed to sit back and enjoy where we are at. It won't always be like this and time is short. that's been the major lesson as of late (given my bro-in-laws health situation). you cant take anything for granted.

i've done some travelling with my brother in the last month. so we've had lots of conversations about life and living. Ricardo and I have talked about it as well. I dont know how long my time on earth will be, but if I'm called home - I want to be able to look back at my life and know that I did what I could and should, took advantage of every opportunity afforded me, that I loved deeply - loved hard - with deep meaningful relationships leaving nothing unsaid. I want all that so that I could go in peace knowing it was my time to go.

peace is a funny thing because it's not something that arrives with huge fanfare. no it quietly creeps in and is what puts our souls at ease and calms our fears. it gives us hope that everything is going to be ok. doesnt leave us in a frantic state but leaves us calm with understanding. it is the peace that passes all understanding. that is what I wish for those that i love deeply who are in my life: peace.

its what i feel about Ricardo, feel and know about our future together and what I have about where i'm at now and what I need to be doing to prepare for my future. i trust 2012 to be in God's hands and know that whatever we face, we'll face together as a family. we'll laugh, cry, be silent but we WILL be. God's promised to never leave us alone and I find that so true now in my family life and the things my family is enduring.

I have such hope for my sister and her family...for my two nephews whom I love and adore. their smiles mean the world to me. I never knew that two little boys could completely turn my world upside down but they along with Ricardo in differing ways have stolen my heart.

2011 was the year of endings and beginnings. 2012 will bring additional changes both welcomed and not so welcoming. but that is life. a cycle of seasons. the point is to find the joy and beauty in each season for it will endure but a brief moment.

Ecclesiastes reminds us that there is a moment for all things. for joy, laughter, sorrow, sadness, giving, mourning, etc. so take time in this moment to live, embrace, and put your brave face on. for the next season is already on its way.

pizza boxes + starbucks' coffee cups = epic saves

ever have a monday you wish you could rewind and start over? I've just had one thing after another happen these last few weeks.

today I had another major epic fail...it involved walking and a starbucks' coffee cup.

the morning started off foggy, dreary, cold, and wet. that should've been my warning sign.

so i get to work and get to working on a few things and then realized that I had a 1pm meeting at one of our other campuses. my co-worker and I decided to grab a quick lunch and then head over to our meeting.

no big deal - except it was starting to drizzle by the time we finished lunch.

sign number 2.

we make it over to our one o'clock meeting and decided to grab some starbucks downstairs before heading to our 2:30pm appointment. no big deal. i was craving a chai tea latte.

we run downstairs - grab starbucks and start to head back to the elevators...

that's when it happened...

the epic fail.

i could feel my left foot start to slip out from under me and just as i thought i was recovering from my slip, my ankle rolled. the descent down began....so i've got a portfolio in one arm with my purse on my shoulder and my coffee cup in the other...

i started to panic looking at my portfolio and coffee cup wondering which one I should sacrifice.

i'd completely lost my footing and didnt know what to do so i just went with the motion - landing on my side taking out my foot, leg, arm, and elbow...

I stood up - got my bearings and realized i'd slid down the hall on my hip and had spilled some chai tea on my slacks...luckily i was wearing black.

the adrenaline pumping through my veins kept me from feeling the impending pain. it wasnt until i sat through my meeting and then stood up that i realized how big of an epic fail that was...and how hard i had fallen.

however, i managed to save the majority of my chai tea....it must be a skill because i've also had a similar incident involving a pizza box. same sort of circumstances...except this time it wasn't missed steps causing my fall.

either way I feel like I strained my core (which I already injured in a car accident several years ago). I'm sore in places that were a bit surprising like my side, forearm, and shoulder. didn't necessarily hit those parts when I hit the ground but my body tensed up.

yeah - so ready for wed to be here. not to mention my car battery died and i need to get it over to the shop to get it replaced because while i'm handy - i'm not that handy. that's presented some challenges. and there's been a slew of other things i'd rather not discuss. just to say there's been alot of disappointment and just when I feel like i'm starting to tread water - boom - something else happens.

just trying to keep my head up and take care of myself so that I wont fall apart (emotionally or physically). there's been alot going on that I've not talked about...just to say that today was hard. hard on a number of fronts.

the upside is that i know time is about seasons and while this season may endure longer than I'd like and may be the hardest, I know a new one will eventually arrive. so i'm focusing my energy on seeking out the silver lining in the cloud.

my main concern is my back which I had a bulging disc during the summer which had been healing up nicely. a little concerned about what tomorrow will feel like getting out of bed. thinking i may feel like I was in a car accident which makes sense since I did take a pretty hard fall.

well ladies and gents - off to ice the ankle and hip - and break out the bengay....

Chasing pavement