This room may be dark

i'm having writers block...

for the girl that usually has something to say, this is a bit rare. but there it is, staring me right in the face. i even have my usual inspirational music playing and not inpsirational as in "christian"...no inspirational as in inspires me to write and to be honest. hard to explain so please dont ask me too.

today was a hard day.

it started out like most and i knew the planned events for the day. apt, interview, funeral service.

i just didnt anticipate everything else that would accompany it. out of respect for the family morning, i'm not going to talk about the funeral service. just to say i witnessed a family mourning gracefully and it was both beautiful and painful to behold.

maybe the reason i cant write this blog is because there's so much going on that my thoughts feel a bit convoluted. life is a bit all over the page for the moment.

supposed to head to san antonio on thurs and will be there through sat morning..and then the trip to Houston/Galveston. details changed on account of family making some last minute changes... well not so much last minute as letting me know last minute. its ok...my word for the day is FLEXIBILITY

that's how i've lived most of the summer so its gonna be ok. just excited to see old friends!

so we have both good and not so good going on.

my sis's husband is getting a j-tube, aka the feeding tube. whether or not this puts him on a transplant list i've yet to find out. plan on talking to my sis tomorrow or at least finding out through my mom. i try not to call just cause i know my mom wants to talk to her and she has limited time with the kids and her situation. so i try to give my mom as much time to talk with her as possible. but i think and pray for them constantly.

i'm not dwelling on any one thing. life is life and with it a time for every season.

today was not so much about reflection and acknowledgement but about realization, appreciation, and solidarity in living in the moment.

appreciation apart from words.

this is all i have for today.

home at last

all i can do is think about sleeping in my own bed. i always sleep better at home than anywhere else. it must be the comfort factor. we finally made it in and i can say that my mom made it safely home. exhausted but safely home.

so much to say so many mixed emotions...a close friend welcomed his baby boy into the world today. its a beautiful thing and i'm so very happy for him and his wife. hopefully if everything works out, i'll be able to see them this coming week.

so many things happening this week and more travel on the books. after all the miles i put in this week, i'm still very excited for the travel to come. i know, i must be insane. its good to see old friends and to visit and from all the conversations i can say i've been blessed beyond measure.

things are so completely different today than what i thought they were two weeks ago. plans keep shifting or altering...and its ok just taking some adjustments.

i'll take a quick trip up to lubbock for a walk-thru of the new apt and then also an interview for a job. exciting and scary stuff. but if it works out, it will be very good for future plans. we'll just have to wait and see. again..i'm at peace with water comes down the pike. not anxious just steady at heart about it.

i'm so glad for family for so many reasons. got to spend some time with family i dont get to see too often because we live so far away from one another. it was really great to sit and catch up. sooo many laughs and i'm glad to see these relationships strengthening. its beautiful to see family interact when its in love.

will get to spend more time with extended family during the family vacay. lol. oh Jesus help us! lol. just gotta know that side of the family to know what i'm talkin bout. love them but they can get crazy. lol. should be good times for sure.

there's alot more i'd like to talk about but first i need to spend some time processing the week/weekends events. all good stuff but my brain is super tired and a bit convoluted now. must sleep!

too much

i've been thinkin and praying for my sister alot this week. she's had a really rough summer with her husband being sick and then one of the nephews getting sick. she's been hosting my mom and her in-laws, who are there to help her while Cary (her husband) recovers from his last hospital visit. i dont want to go into too much detail cause i try to keep my siblings stuff as private as possible. don't want to infringe on their privacy.

been thinking alot about my mom, who is up in Indiana and has been there for the last week and half. she might be going crazy and all i can say - in her defense is that i dont blame her. nothing to do with my sis or the nephews or even my bro-in-law...you do the math.

i miss them (my sis and the boys) alot and if it was up to me, i'd fly up there as much as i could. unfortunately, that's just not possible.

it has been most interesting for sure.

i've been working on preparing everything for the big move. hard to believe that its less than 2 weeks away. in fact, i head to lubbock tomorrow to try and take care of some last minute details and am traveling there to celebrate my bro's 30th bday.

it has been such an odd summer. i say that like i know what a "normal" summer's supposed to look like. nothing about this year has been "normal."

my "tour" of travel has been set into motion. waiting to hear from my mom and her final decision about when/how she's come home. she has three options: return with my sister's in-laws, fly, or take the train.

all of that determines which city she'll be returning to and in turn, where I'll need to go to pick her up. so the plans for the last part of the week and first part of next week are a bit in limbo. if anything i learned from traveling in europe, its the art of flexibility. things rarely work out as planned so....i'm just waiting for the call with the details and will adjust my plans from there.

i will say that i'm pretty excited to see friends i've not seen in a while.

today i spent the day taking care of setting up utilities and such. goodness...didnt know it was gonna take several hours. needless to say, its all set up and i'll have electricity and running water and the cable/telephone/internet guy will be there on aug 7th to set everything up. feelin' more and more nervous about the whole thing as it nears.

i looked at the calendar today and was like "AH!"

however, i am excited about living in lbk during football season. oh tailgating and game days....exciting stuff. not excited about MBA orientation but hey...its all a part of the program...also excited about not having to deal with my dealership in angelo...yay!!!

so all this stuff is trivial and minor i realize. but its stuff that's been on my mind and stuff i've had to deal with as of late.

on my plate for now is the travel schedule and getting see friends i've not seen in a while and people i absolutely love! soooo excited...

i'd take plenty of pics but i think i might of killed my camera...almost fried my phone but it seems to be working fine now. what the heck is it with me and gadgets? seriously....not sure what i'm going to do. might shop around while i'm in LBK. we will see....

alright...will be posting the next week's happenings on the travel blog http://www.loudaleyva.blogspot.com/.

travel post

i'm trying to keep my writings about travel and other thoughts separate so i'll post this week's events and happenings (since i'm traveling for the week) at www.loudaleyva.blogspot.com.

travel, travel, travel

Finally worked out my "texas tour" schedule and here it is...

July 24-26 Dallas, TX

July 26-27 Austin, TX

July 30-31 San Antonio, TX

Aug 1-4 Houston/Galveston area

Aug 7 Moving to Lubbock!!!!

If you've got some available time during any of these dates, send me a tx, email, or call. Would love to visit with you!

*Schedule is tentative and subject to change. Any changes will be posted immediately.

purging

the last 24 hours have been a bit strange. i've not been sleeping very well. not sure exactly what it is but just been feeling heavy of heart. i guess i should explain.

leaving to italy...left me in a place where i was completely out of my comfort zone. not a bad place to be but it presents challenges of its own. i learned more than i could ever dream possible by being gone that one month. learned things about myself i had yet to discover, saw beauty in people and places...and just experienced something that could not allow me to be the same in returning. i hadnt quite figured out how to categorize it or even figured out if i wanted to. i mean it is what it is and there's no going back from it.

i spent alot of time on those train rides thinking about where things are, where the journey was taking me, and what i needed in my life to arrive there...it was more about setting things right and getting rid of the stuff i dont need to carry around.

if you knew my life's story and all the things that have happened in my lifetime and to me...oh lord, we just dont have time. i cant say that i've been blameless in all the things that happened. no, in fact, alot of times i was the only party to blame for some of those downfalls. but no matter what, i knew that God was watching over me and when i felt like no one else was around or no one cared...i knew i could trust that He was.

i can only say that any strength i possess is from that knowledge and from that revealment of truth. knowing the one thing i can hold on to no matter what i face in this world. i think my travels in Italy were about shedding all the things hindering in my adulthood from getting to the places i'm supposed to get to....like fear...or lack of understanding...lack of trust...

and at the end, when the sun set....i discovered that more than anything it was about surrendering. surrendering my hopes and dreams and all that i entail and saying here it is do with it what you want. so coming home, i came back refreshed and renewed and i can say rested and at peace in a way i'd not felt in a long time.

by rested i mean in a spiritual sense and not so much physically. so coming home, of course there would be challenges and situations that need to be dealt with. i've been watching people i love go through some really hard times in the last few weeks. so life has been more about those things happening in the lives of the people i care about and deeply love.

i think my distraction has been this torn feeling of not being able to help in those situations and then my own obligations to prepare for the things to come in the next month. its supposed to be an exciting time and everyone keeps asking me if i'm excited about moving. let me be real honest.

i am excited but i'm also scared to death.

i guess i didnt realize how comfortable i got here. but it happened unbeknowst to myself. so here we are...i know this move is a good thing and in fact, i had a conversation about it last night. there are lot of variables in my life that i just dont have the answers too. but at the same time, i'm also not worried about those variables. i trust that they will work out as they are supposed to and in the right time.

there's a slew of other things going on. namely the major mess up with my substitutions on my degree plan. so here i am taking 6 hours (online). not as bad as everyone thinks. i mean i had 18 hrs (in class) and then 12 online classes (all sciences) last semester....so i think 6 hours will be ok.

also trying to get the trips worked out and then there's the extended family vacay. not sure who all's going but i know its going to be fun. how could it not?

if anything i brought back from Italy with me is this desire to live life in a way that i'll not have any regrets.

we have only to look at the last few weeks and all the celebrities who have passed. i cant end this without giving some sort of acknowledgement to Michael Jackson.

i caught the first part of the memorial with my mom and then met a friend for lunch and movie...which btw, was exactly what i needed! i had already set the dvr the night before, so i knew it was being recorded. out the door i went. after the movie (which i saw the Proposal) i headed to the bookstore to try and get the books i needed for my two classes. i headed home and watched the rest of the memorial and my mom joined me for a second viewing.

it was sad in sooo many ways.

i have alot of memories to MJ. my very first vinyl was an MJ record. i was telling my mom about it cause i remember her taking me to the mall to buy it. my bro had the MJ record player and i remember he had to put the needle on the record if we wanted to listen to it. my cousins would come over or we'd have neighborhood friends over and just jam out to our vinyls which consisted of strawberry shortcake, sesame street, and MJ.

then there are the memories of my "cool" aunt who would let us watch MTV at her house. i remember when the thriller video came out, heck i remember when MTV was launched! lol...ok dating myself there but still...MJ was apart of my childhood and just to look at what he accomplished in his lifetime and then to look at the price he paid for his fame. it was sad. death is sad because it is a separation of the body and soul. we no longer have the physical connection to that human being in death. so to MJ and all the memories you created in my childhood, thank you. though i never could do the moonwalk and though we tried....we're grateful for the music you created and how it connects us to the days of old.

i'm a musician and though i never really look at myself in this manner, i suppose that i am an artist. so i can appreciate his genius and what we will miss in the years to come.

takes me back to my point about living life with no regrets. so often fear entraps us from doing something new or going to some place new...from experiencing something we've never experienced. we can paralyzed to the point that we miss out on beautiful experiences. i think that is the aspect i most appreciate about my summer travels.

i have people in my life who wont go anywhere without someone else and while i understand safety and such...in that manner i'm a bit fearless. just because no one else wants to go, i just dont see that as a reason to miss out on something.

though none go with me...still i will follow.

so let us forge ahead in this thing called life.

i promise that my writings to come won't be so serious in nature...just need to purge a few things on my mind. i'm sure there's more to come but for now, i need to get serious handle on this insomnia thing....gonna drive me nuts!

Residuals

i just got back a while ago from visiting with someone's who's words weigh heavily in my life. i've been in this sort of isolated funk since returning from my travels abroad. kinda hard to explain and not exactly something i want to put out for the whole world to read about. perhaps someday, but just not today.

anyhow...this funk hasnt necessarily been a bad thing and i'm sure its related to all the other things happening in my life. i posted on facebook that being an adult is overrated. it was completely related to all of that. just having to do the things that adults have to do.

i realized that there were alot of unncessary complications in my life.

(ok so a side note, i'm watching "Cake Boss" and they were showing some of the traditional Italian pasteries - turns out i had quite a few in Italy! YUMMY!)

ok so the unncessary complications. i decided to make less complicated. however, in making things less complicated - things got more complicated than i bargained for but just temporarily. doesnt make sense but doesnt really matter.

needless to say, i'm moving towards a less complicated life (if that's even possible). i'm still trying to sort through my schedule and just exactly where i'm supposed to be and when. one of the things i've not yet gotten a handle on but its ok because that's what this part of the summer is supposed to be about. the last sort of care-freeness before delving into graduate work. i've been afforded a rare luxury and i'm enjoying every moment of it!

there have been alot of different things going on. first the whole week long trip up to chicago which was alot of fun. my mom, bro, and i getting some time with my sis. trying to get back and figure out a routine which i've not been successful at. i figured the only way i'd get back into any kind of routine is to get up early and get to KOA (back to running). hadnt been in a routine like that for some while. at the very least, i feel like i'd be able to clear my head. sorta been swirling with all sorts of things.

did i mention, i forgot i have to make a grad school deposit? yeah just remembered today when i was looking at my orientation papers! agh! i'll get those funds back, but watching them go still hurts just the same.

i have mixed feelings about moving. on one hand, i'm excited cause i'll be closer to my bro and hello its TTU. i mean...that intself...makes me happy. but at the same time, i'm sorta sad to leave. change is inevitable, i realize that and probably more so now after being gone a month.

lots of things changed while i was gone. i didnt expect life to stand still but it was a bit jarring coming back and trying to get a handle of everything that was going on. i guess in a while i expected to come back and find things the way i left them. completely impossible but i just didnt think much about it.

this is how life goes.

sure change happens, but i feel like a major shift within myself has occurred. not necessarily bad or good but just a completely different perspective and view. i didnt expect it and was a bit jolted when i discovered it was there. i mean, how can you travel half way around the world...be in a situation with 20 something almost strangers (i knew a few people going on the trip) and experience a completely different culture and then not come back changed in some way? its impossible....

i've been working on pics and working on a post of things i saw on my journey and travels. have a few more trips on the books and i think i wrote about them previously. there are some friends i've not seen in a while and i'd like to get some time to visit with them. always a good thing!

also trying to get things ready for the move! ish...i keep trying to procrastinate but i refuse to allow myself any sort of self-sabotag-ish moves...plus i'd rather be ready to go then struggling to get things done!

my visit to my sister's was a bit unusual only because i didnt get alot of time with my sister. however, i did get to visit with my nephews whom i love so much! oh they're adorable and I realized that those boys hold the strings to my heart. seriously...

ok so on a serious note...my sister's husband who's been sick was hospitalized earlier this week. this has been an on-going thing. i worry for my sister because i know its a bit taxing on her. any kind of illness is taxing and i ask for prayers for her, her husband, and her two little ones. there's a possibility i may be driving back with my mother sometime in the next week, so we will see.

just alot of things up in the air at this point.

oh yeah. i also havent mentioned that i'm taking 6 hours for the second summer session. technically, i'm supposed to be done as in complete, finished, over, and done with....yeah except for my "oh so brilliant" school staffers who didnt substitute my hours for my international studies courses correctly! so i was already registered for one class the second summer session even though i didnt really need it. has to do with me needing to be at the very least in "part-time" status. uhm...yeah...long story short...i have 6 hours for the second session...not so worried about the classes because i've had one of the professors before. but finally, finally...after these grades post (184 hrs), i'll be done! and can eagerly await for my diploma in the mail! LOL

only me...only me...

patriotism

my plans of a routine have not panned out quite like i had hoped! no, i've been a bit more lackadaisical these days. on the upside, i am doing things that i enjoy and that is always a welcomed treasure. if you may, times been afforded so that i can do the things that i enjoy and i'm truly appreciative.

life for the moment is calm and serene. no major fires to douse and no major drama to report. its lovely and so very welcomed.

today's or i should say tonight's blog comes from a new place of introspection. it started with a pot of beans i made earlier. i know, what does a bot of beans have to do with anything? well these are frijoles a la charra. some of you might be thinking, what's there to making a pot of beans? throw in some ingredients and let them boil...oh but its not that easy. some would even say its a bit of an art.

i'd like to think so anway.

no, my beans require putting in certain ingredients at just the right time. so i began my pot of beans sometime around 5pm. i imagine they wont be ready to eat until morning. sure they may be ready to eat now but will taste better tomorrow!

mmm so most of the country is preparing for cook-outs and barbeques. my family is like most. we've planned a bit of a feast though not to any degree of previous 4ths. no, this one is a bit more laid back and quite relaxed. its strange because any of you who know me, know that being relaxed is usually not associated with my name. i'm usually going a hundred and ten miles in all directions. but no...this summer is different. i've slowed things down, purposefully - i might add.

maybe its from spending a month half-way across the globe, maybe its from realizing that time is fleeting. moments are whizzing past us without recognition of where they are going. i've just really realized that life is changing. each day that passes it changes and i've always know that...but these last few months i have here before moving...seem a bit more precious to me.

call it aging, call it whatever. i just want to enjoy my time and enjoy being so close to family.

which is the topic of my blog tonight.

july 4th.

so many great things about it and also so many tragic things about it. i know i've blogged about how my mom's dad died on 4th of july when she was only 19. for the longest time we never celebrated the 4th. i never knew him but only know the stories my mom has told us. he served during the Korean conflict and now in my mother's possession is the flag presented to my grandmother at his funeral.

it's not encased in anything, which i never understood why. but i think it has to do with my grandmother not knowing where to find a case for it. my mom was inquiring about it. i think that i should buy one for her. i'm not sure how she feels about that flag all these years though i know she proudly supports our armed forces. i have to think that she would be proud to display his flag.

i'm not really sure what tomorrow will bring. especially since i returned to the land of cell phones and txt messages. hard to believe that i went almost 7 weeks without it. not that i missed it. even after i had the service restored, i left it at home for several hours. i have a feeling i'll be looking for it over the next few weeks!

so just when you thought my travels were done...nope. still have several more trips before the summer ends. I'll spend a week in Galveston with my parents on a mission trip and probably another week there on vacation with the extended fam (the irony). alot of changes happening for our extended fam. there will be three cousins living in lubbock come aug. so our fam vacay is the last bit of hoo-rah before we we move. should be fun. these are the same crazy people i eat dinner and lunch with on a regular basis. going to miss them so much but let's not think about that just yet!

ok so in addition to those two trips, i'm also trying to get in trips to dallas, austin, houston, and san antonio to see good friends that i havent seen in a while. just seems like i should get in a visit now while i have the chance because what's the likeli-hood of taht happening once i move further north? and its not like people LOVE visiting lubbock. i've already gotten a "why are you moving there?" from numerous folks.

i am really looking forward to Texas Tech football and the madness that ensues! the tailgating and crazy fans! oh i just love it!

alright...so happy 4th to everyone. be safe and remember to have a bucket of water around when dealing with fireworks because as we so poignantly learned one year you have to be careful cause "you dont want to shoot your other eye out!"

half-way there

its not technically the middle of summer but we're close. the summer has been crazy and sooo much fun! definitely have put in the miles with many more to go before summer ends. finally finished my undergrad work which was just incredible. celebrated with close friends and family and a few days after was off to spend a month in Italy/Greece.

the experience was beyond words. i got to see sooo many historical places and learned so much. i'm so very glad and appreciative of the experience. you can read my trip blog at www.loudaleyva.blogspot.com

i'm working on posting all of the pics but there are quite a few. so its been a daunting task! but hopefully i'll get them up in the next few days.

i finished a portfolio i need to wrap up and am working on a few personal projects. one would be my dad's website. need to make some major revisions and then need to update my e-folio and include some new works. i'm hopeful all that work will aide me in finding a job in lubbock.

yes, its fast upon me. moving to lubbock! i'd been thinking about it but not to any real depth. i think the move is now starting to become a reality as i begin making preparations. working on packing up stuff i dont plan on taking to move to storage. not to mention having to re-organize the storage unit.

however...given all the work that looms, i did find out some really great news. i received a fee waiver in the amount of $3600. super great news and the scholarship i applied for had some delays in the selection process so i should know something by mid-to late july. that award could have significant impact upon part-time/full-time employment.

the plan for now (should i not get the scholarship) is to attend part-time and try and work full-time. that will give me enough time to re-take the LSAT and reapply for early admissions to Tech Law. I cant accumulate more than 12 grad hrs before matriculating into law school if i want to do the joint program which for so many reasons is what i really want to do. ok so if i dont get into law school...the next option is to just finish out my MBA at Tech, graduate, apply to several schools and decide where to go to law school based upon where i'm accepted.

i have alot of work to do and plan on meeting with my academic addvisor at angelo state to discuss my options. i also need to make a visit up to lubbock to visit with an advisor to finish the registration process. lots to do and for the first time in most of my life..i'm not worried about the when or where's. i mean, all i can do is give me best and then let God orchestrate the rest. as always, He's been faithful to see me to where I need to be. so i'm at complete peace with where things stand.

planning on making a few trips before moving and a family vacation is still in the works. it'll be nice to go somewhere and just chill. i'm hopin that spot will include some water cause for some reason, water makes me relaxed. we'll just have to wait and see!

propriety

i've been wanting to write this one for a while but lately its been a little hectic. ok not just a little, more like beyond-my-wildest-imagination insane.

i promise i'm not a study-holic but if you've followed my facebook or tweets...then you're probably thinking "does she do anything besides study?" in this week alone, i planned a bday dinner for my mother, baked her a cake, and started working on my grad invites and will finish them up over the weekend all while trying to recover from an upper respiratory infection/brochitis. i'm asthmatic so it takes me a couple of weeks to get over those things once they've gone full blown.

so i'm still truckin along, determined to finish the semester strong. things like baking a cake or making cookies are more like stress relievers because i can let my creativity flow. uhmmm ok so, i gotta warn ya'. i might rant and rave in this one. my words have been inspired by this semesters activities and in recent days a specific situation.

alright, so we all know that in college yes you are often placed in groups and inevitably there's always that one person, for lack of a better word, the slacker. the one who thinks they can coast and free-load off of everyone else's hard work and dedication.

maybe the idea that everyone should carry their share of the load is a sort of "group utopia," an abstract idealistic of group philosophy? i can hope and wish can't i?

so what is it in us that gives some the desire to work hard and the others to slack and free-load? i'm not gonna say that i'm the hardest work on the planet cause i've had my moments of "slackerism." i will say that moments of slacking are not common and are usually induced by fatigue and/or exhaustion. it could also be that i think i work harder than i really do?

maybe that's the abstract idealism that "no one else works harder than we do."

i grew up in a home where i was taught that hard work in deed pays off. even if does not reap the rewards we think it will, the satisfaction of giving your all and doing your best is enough to make the effort worthwhile.

this is how i describe my parents. if any work ethic i possess, i owe it to my parents for instilling in me a desire to give my all and to do my best. for teaching me that there is pride in hard work even if there are no rewards and that is how i've approached most things in my life.

it is why i study all the time or am writing a paper or working on this or working on that. it is why i streamlined my life of activities and commitments a few years ago to dedicate my time to this linger goal called educational attainment.

i've worked hard for to earn my grades in the last two years and i have moments of "will it be enough" since i've not yet heard word regarding my law school application. but i stop my thoughts and remind myself that i can take pride in my efforts regardless of the fruits rewarded. i know what i've put into the work and know what i've gained as a result. what does it matter if no one else knows?

its this work ethic that won't let me slack in the remaining few weeks before graduating and leaving to italy/greece with a study abroad program. my living room is strewn with books and notes, evidence of my recent activities.

i dont know what life will be like once this pace subsides. i've thought about it. actually, its more like dreamed about it. God has been really good to me in that He's provided brackets of time to rest and relax enough to sustain me.

surprisingly i'm not the frazzled state i would normally be, maybe that's because i'm not working this time around so it feels more manageable or maybe its because i realize that i could be working and i realize that i can tolerate the present state a bit longer.

either way, light is at the end of the tunnel. one thing i can be sure of is that i'll take with me this "work ethic." i realized i'm a bit of a work horse. as in, i wont stop till i drop dead. it wasnt until the other night that i realized my parents are the same way. they wont give up until the jobs one. i've seen them display that in their careers, education, family life, and ministries.

one of the things i'm determined to do is take a family vacay. well, two actually. one with extended family and the other with my parents and siblings. not sure where or for how long, but a vacation it will be.

so what brought on all this talk of hard work? with all the insanity that is the semester, one of my groups had homework due. needless to say one group member was assigned less problems than the remainder of us in the group. everyone managed to finish their problems except for the person who was assigned the least amount of problems....no that person completed 1 problem. 1!!!!!

no comment....

so anyhow i leave you with a few final words

To have striven, to have made the effort, to have been true to certain ideals - this alone is worth the struggle. ~ William Penn