The Unexpected

I didn’t plan to create anything today.

But days like the last 24 hours 

don’t leave you empty—

they leave you holding something

you have to do something with.

So I did.

The project I released this week

feels a lot like life imitating art.

The songs on that project weren’t written for today.

They came from a retrospective—

a collection of moments

I had already lived through.

But somehow…

they still found their way here.

Not to explain it.

Not to make sense of it.

Just to give it somewhere to go.

For me, sleep is a precious commodity.

Often comes in short supply.

I’ve been negotiating with it for the last few months.

Yesterday was heavy.

We were hit with unexpected news—

the kind that doesn’t knock,

just lands.

And the truth is…

I was already tired.

Mentally taxed

for reasons I won’t name.

Just know—my plate is full

in more directions than I can neatly explain.

We’ve been working through that.

Carrying it. Managing it.

Doing what you do when life doesn’t pause.

And then today came

like a ton of bricks.

There’s never a good time

for things like this.

But this one—

it didn’t wait for space.

It just added weight.

And it took me a minute…

to even sit with it.

To breathe.

To release anything at all.

Because my instinct isn’t to stop.

It’s to hold.

To keep moving.

To keep functioning.

To keep everything from spilling over.

But nights like this—

they don’t let me pretend.

Because I don’t sleep well

to begin with.

Sleep and I—

we’ve never had an easy relationship.

I don’t fall into it.

I wrestle with it.

And when the day carries more

than I’ve actually processed—

night shows me the truth.

Everything I pushed through

comes back.

Not quietly.

Not gently.

Just… present.

And I’m left there

with a full mind

and a tired body

trying to figure out

how to shut it all off.

But I can’t.

Because this was never just about sleep.

It’s about everything I’m carrying

that I haven’t released.

And if I’m honest—

a lot of that

I’ve been trying to carry on my own.

Like I can manage it.

Like I can organize it.

Like if I just stay strong enough,

I won’t feel it the same way.

But that’s not how this works.

Because eventually—

it all asks for space.

And lately…

that space has been showing up

in the middle of the night.

So tonight,

I’m doing something different.

Not fixing it.

Not solving it.

Not even trying to make sense of all of it yet.

Just… releasing.

God, I don’t have the capacity for all of this right now.

God, I don’t understand why it’s happening this way.

God, I’m tired.

And I don’t need a full answer tonight. 

I just need you to carry it.

Because maybe rest

was never meant to come

from having everything figured out.

Maybe it comes

from finally letting it go.

Even if just a little.

Even if just for tonight.

Sleep still isn’t guaranteed for me.

But peace—

even in pieces—

is.

And maybe that’s enough

to close my eyes.

It’s in capable hands and being held.

In offering my mess, He offers rest…

-Louda 

Steady Too