Where it all began...

Tonight I thought I'd provide you with some insight as to why I began this blog and where the title of it came from. If you've already played the video then you know that it comes from Joy William's "Say Goodbye" song lyrics.

So where to begin with this one...

There'd been a period in my life where I'd been through some really traumatic events. Things said, things done that completely blew my mind. How and why I didn't completely walk out on faith perplexes me to this day. I think it's largely in part that I've always separated the things people of faith do from the originator of faith. If anything, it's been the originator of faith (or at least what I consider to be) that has seen me through those really tough times.

I read through that last paragraph and it seems to be down-played but trust me...it was probably one of the hardest times of my life and one of the toughest experiences to walk through. It was a major "avalanche" of activities that really caused me to start looking more inwardly and with that I withdrew. Withdrew in the most severe way and really kept people at an arms length. It would take close to five years before I begin opening the shutters to even let people see in. It's strange to me but I've heard my friends talk about how I have this uncanny way of withdrawing and you can see it happening. You can feel the distance in a palpable way - I've never been one to hide very easily my general sense of being. I mean I either want you around or I don't and I wont pretend to the contrary. It's not pretty I know but it's a result of life experiences and I have to work at it every day and probably will for the rest of my life. Rather I should say - God's worked through that issue with me.

He's brought about the right people at the right time that have helped to draw me into what I would say is the "light." That's really where my blogging emerged from.

It was an honest effort to be transparent and to vocalize my thoughts and feelings. I'd not been really good at that for most of my life. Mainly because there'd always been the expectation to "hold it together" to "lead" to "be the example." Being the oldest of three didn't help that cause nor did my assertive personality.

I've sort of always been launched into leadership roles and have always been involved in organizational leadership in one way or another - through non-profits I've worked with or have been asked to assist - both service oriented but mainly faith-based.

I think I've written before that it was like a pendulum...I had swung so far over to the right that my natural disposition when the dust had settled was to swing in the other direction. That has been where I've resided for the last several years of my life and why I almost completely disappeared from leadership and anything related to a leadership role.

Until Italy/Greece and Texas Tech...and of course with time - because it does indeed heal all wounds.

Looking back - I dont know that I would've or could've done things differently just that I learned a very clear, sharp, and painful lesson that we have the innate ability to wound people not just by our words, but by our actions, our attitudes, and our assumptions.

I was lucky that I had a great and so very understanding support system behind me as I walked through that dark time in my life. I don't think they ever understood what I dealt with our how deeply wounded I really was. Yes - it stemmed from one specific event and one specific person that grew and snowballed and involved more people then ever needed to be necessary. But the reality is that even before that wound was inflicted there was a deeper one that had been inflicted and I'd chosen to forget it. To bury it deep in the abyss of recollection so that I didn't have to remember and didn't have to deal with it.

However there was something that I didn't know, much like an untreated wound that is left to fester, that wound would affect my perception and responses.

When I left San Antonio - my pastor at the time said - I feel like you're running from something - I see you running from something. I think he thought I was running from something in the immediate but what he didn't know was that I had come to San Antonio in an attempt to run away from something.

And when I returned home, that's when the real journey began. It was a journey that would ultimately begin the healing process. There's no need to go into the details of the when and what I certainly won't publicly for so many reasons but just to say when I feel led to share - there's almost certainly a reason to do so.

God has been ever so faithful and in those moments when I didn't understand the journey or the purpose - I trusted. I still do.

I've learned so much since then...learning that's it's ok to keep somethings private and sacred and okay to share others. That we're all on a journey and whatever lessons i've learned from my past - the greatest is that I never wish to inflict on others the kind of pain that was inflicted upon me.

I don't think those individuals would or could ever understand the depths of it and that's not really what's important anyhow. Truly - it has guided and shaped my understanding of forgiveness what it is and what it should truly look life and I think if ever there was grace and mercy in my life extended, its been only by God's grace and because I'm reminded of those painful moments when seemingly none was extended to me.

Lord knows that I lack mercy and it always falls the lowest in scoring my spiritual gifts! Lol... My natural disposition is almost always retribution for those who harm me or my family. Ask Angie my bff, shes always wanted to make me shirt that says I'll kill you. And Ricardo talks about my laser eyes! So i have to work hard at focusing on the principle you reap what you sow!

Doesn't mean that I'm good at it, but it means that I make every effort to try.

I wouldn't and couldn't go back to try and make those relationships right. There was damage inflicted that makes them irreparable. I know, I know - God can make all things new and you're completely right. He can...but the truth of the matter is that while God can do those things-in my human frailty - I could never really ever forget and that would only lead to a lack of trust. What would relationships be without trust? Trust is something I have a hard time with and it's why i've never made any effort to go back to them. They've evolved to what they are and while it often saddens me - I'm not about living in the past.

Instead, I choose to focus on the now and trust my future to someone else.

This really is where Ricardo has played the greatest role in my life - relationship building. Sure he has quirks that drive me nuts as I do he but he's also about having healthy relationships. Never have I learned more about what that should look and feel like as I have from him. We're both passionate people and he's my perfect compliment. He calms me in a way that few can and he helps me to see the logic of my position and responses. So very un-Laura-like...lol. Truly - it is as iron sharpens iron.

He came along at the very right time when I was ready and willing to share parts of my life that I'd long kept hidden. Despite all of that - he loves the total package. Not parts, not pieces - he doesn't try to change things about me but embraces me as a whole. It's rare. Those in my inner circle know first hand how challenging I can be. Oh do they know...but the point there is that they know me.

Yes - i try to protect those in my life from my writings but sometimes they are caught in the line of fire and in a way that is sometimes unfair - for that I do apologize.

My writings have been an effort to share my thoughts, lessons learned, approaches to life as much as you possibly could through writing. They are the honest and raw thoughts in the moment of whatever is happening in my life.

I was told that in order to know where you are going, you have to know where you've been. These writings are an effort to "know where I've been." Sometimes they're reflective and sometimes they're not.

My prayer is that if in someway it provides some insight to something in your life then that's the icing on the cake..and even if its just encouragement or to say hey - this is where i've been and this is how i've made it through - not by my grace but by God's then even better.

In essence blogging was my beginning, it was my Genesis.

It only seems fitting that I would start this blog with Joy Williams "Say Goodbye" because in so many ways as I embarked on the new journey - I did say goodbye - I had to.

And just as Joy William's career evolved into something that's honest and sometimes raw such as "Poison and Wine" which so eloquently addresses the tensions in relationships...I hope that my life has evolved in that way as well. Raw isn't always pretty and it doesn't always feel great..but its in that state that we are the most malleable.

I'm forever grateful for those friends and family in my life who have loved me unconditionally and even when they didn't understand stood in the gap and were often the reason why I was able to move on to something so much better and that far exceeded anything that I ever knew could be. I will always be grateful.

They've taught me that we cant go about life carte blanche - that we should be accountable for our actions and words. By living their own lives, I've seen the greatest examples of love, grace, and mercy and know for that reason, they crossed my path.

It's ok to be where you are and to feel what you feel. Just know that emotions are fleeting and that in time they do change. In the end, treat others as you wish to be treated - I now understand clearly why this philosophy is the Golden Rule.