One day at a time...

Living in West Texas has presented me with some harsh challenges. These challenges are called allergies and asthma. Oh joy! The good news is that I'm starting to see some relief in terms of treatment but it's taken some really aggressive measures.

I was set to start my PhD program in October and decided to take a break from educational pursuits. Instead, I've decided to focus on my career and revisit the PhD option in another six months. I've spent the last four years dedicated to educational pursuits so I think a break is necessary.

I've slowly settled into my career/job and have to say that I love what I do. My work environment is amazingly awesome and I work with some really great people that challenge me to be better and teach me something new each day. What more could I ask for?

well just one thing...and that's to be closer to Ricardo...

All about timing, all about timing.

The big news for the moment is getting ready for the oldest nephew's birthday in a few weeks. He's turning 6 and has informed each of us including Ricardo that we need to attend his birthday party! lol...toooooo cute!

They've moved and to protect their anonymity won't say where but just to say its somewhere very familiar. My parents miss them like crazy but at the same time, this move was necessary and in the end beneficial.

Closing in on another weekend and the weather is slowing starting to resemble Fall.

Let the travels begin!

So I finally realized the one good thing about finally graduuating and entering the "real world" is that you make real money that let's you go on "real" vacations! Now mind you, we're not living the life of luxury but I'd say that staying at the Omni in San Francisco is definitely moving up.

So we're at the airport waiting for our execu-ride to pick us up. Ricardo's flight got delayed in Denver which sorta set off a chain of events which have landed us here at starbuck's. It's quite ok except that here, it's about ten in the morning and we're still on Texas time which is just after noon - so our panza's are growling. We will remedy that shortly.

We have a full but fun itinerary including two baseball games and a tour coupled by some prospects for some great food! Super excited about being here and more excited to cheer my bro on as he runs the marathon! Glad to share this experience with two of my favorite guys!

Will post pics when I get a chance.

nothing like this...

I've been listening to Sugarland and Rascal Flatts here lately. These last few weeks have been odd in the way of adjusting to a new kind of life. Life beyond education. For the last four years, my life quite literally was dictated by school and that goal.

Having seen the completion of that goal a few weeks ago was a whirlwind of activities. It was great to celebrate but it was in the midst of one party after another. We celebrated my mom's 60th b-day with a successful surprise party! My dad has always emphasized to us to live life in the present. Don't wait until its too late to express how you feel or to share in memories. So we shared with our family and close friends the joy of my mom and her life.

Graduation followed a few short weeks later along with my youngest nephew's bday! Hard to believe he's three now! I've tried to spend more time with them. They teach me more than I thought possible.

Given all the activities, Ricardo and I decided to spend Memorial Weekend in the Hub City. So even though I've lived here for almost two years, I'd not yet been up to Amarillo. So we took a short day trip up to see the Cadillac Ranch and eat dinner at The Big Texan. All in all it was a really good visit (perhaps one of our longer visits) and so I was sad to see him off.

Those two weeks between graduation and Memorial Weekend were a sort of decompression week. So these last few have been about adjusting to life apart from school. No longer in the demands of required readings or projects or even papers, I've turned my focus to applying my education to my job. It was been an interesting journey and what's next and where lay somewhere on the horizon. I'm not sure and while I know decisions will need to be made at some point. For now, I'm happy getting my feet wet and starting a new race. I love what I do and feel I'm in the right place at the right time. Making sure to take advantage of the opportunities and to learn what I need to carry with me to success in the future.

Poison and Wine...

reflections with smiles

Finally taking some time to gather my thoughts about the last few weeks. I'd spent the last two years of my life devoted to an accomplishment I thought would never arrive. Yet just like with the guarantee of time passing, it came and it's gone. Time is no respecter of age, race, or position.

I made sure to take a few moments to enjoy and absorb what was happening around me because I knew all too soon the moment would be gone. Of course, there was drama...(chuckles)...I mean when is there not?

I'd decided a while back that I can't really change that (the fact that there will be drama) but can only change how I approach and deal with drama. With Ricardo's help, I've evolved to focus my attention and efforts on the things that really and should matter.

so a little random but i'm gonna take off on a tangent here.

I've written about forgiveness but its been a while since i've visited this subject. I guess I'm revisiting this topic cause sometimes its the hardest thing to do - to forgive. This last year has been somewhat tumultuous, to say the least, and not from the sources I'd normally expect either. If anything, I feel the family foundation I really need has been strengthened and for certain - my relationship with Ricardo has taught me much. (Ricardo's not perfect though some days I think he thinks he is! LOL..just kidding Love!) He's been exactly what I need.

Something about being around him that makes me or allows me to relax! He's calming in a way I don't completely understand but I so desperately need at times. Funny how that works.

hmmm so yeah back to forgiveness. not a concept you tend to learn completely about in one fell swoop. no, this topic is something that evolves over time or at least the understanding of it tends to reveal itself over time. I guess I didn't really understand a conversation I had had with Ricardo mid-summer last year until earlier this evening. Something he said finally clicked. sorta like an "ah ha" moment...ok exactly like an "ah ha" moment.

Graduation - had its fair share of stresses. But Ricardo said to me, "Focus on the things that are important, and enjoy this and celebrate your accomplishment. Don't let anything else get in the way of that." He was so right about that. There are things you can control and there are those things so far from your control...I had to just let them go. I was done spinning my wheels.

So I focused on the things I could do something about. So many people went above and beyond to make graduation what it was...that if something didn't get put out or didn't look the way I envisioned...who really cared? it was all beautiful and was completely amazing, and far better than I could have done myself!

The people that needed to be there were and in the end, I had such a great time! I cant spend my time worry about other people's concerns or drama. no...i want to enjoy life, want to embrace these moments. I can't live my life to please others. Something I learned through graduate school.

I know you're thinking how does business school give you an introspective insight. aren't you learning about crunching numbers and managing others? And to that I say, "exactly." Anytime you deal with others, you thrown in a complexity that is far beyond anything including quantum physics.

So what I learned at Texas Tech was a combination of business skills, understanding about the healthcare industry, and development of critical skills and continuous learning to help me succeed in my career. But I also learned a thing or two about interpersonal relationships and human nature. Not a likely place to learn, I know!

It was my ethics and leadership course that I was challenged to search myself, my beliefs, and values. Not an easy process and I had to deal with some "skeletons in the closet." But I discovered that each of us has the strength and ability to confront our deepest fears. It only takes a bit of courage.

This journey was interesting because for the most part I knew more or less where my values and morals stood...I just never took the time to truly define where those lines are. Those lines may never be truly defined but I at least have a strong foundation to start from. I understand what I value and why and in the end that will be the ethical guiding beacon.

Secondly, even though I knew this, I understood that we truly come from different backgrounds, understanding, and opinions. Whether we can work together is up to the people trying to work together. I think I saw this more drastically when I worked in group. Sure some group members busted their tails to fulfill their obligations, others just flat out bailed, and then you had the quasi - talk about how much work they were doing but really didn't do much but copy from others. Those are the ones you gotta watch out for cause they will sell you out!

Most of us in business school are ambitious and driven and aggressive! I mean that's the reason we're pursuing "higher education." The desire to prove that we can accomplish something. There may be other reasons but in the end, its why we "finish" business school. Given that common goal, its bound to bring about some discomfort and challenges.

So as I was listening to Kenny Rogers' "The Gambler" I realized, yes you gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, and know when to run! Sometimes you gotta hold your ground, sometimes you give in, sometimes you compromise, and sometimes you just gotta get the heck outta dodge! Its the knowing part that is difficult.

In the end, I learned that we're all people wanting to succeed in life. We all have challenges, all have pasts, all have issues that we struggle with...but we're all human - with feelings! (ok some of us I truly wondered about!..thinking maybe it was just one feeling but still...feeling nonetheless)

Lets fast forward. It was during the course of  THIS week that I realized i'm on the cusp of something new and exciting. I've spent the last two years working towards this goal and had finally completed it and then had my 90 day evaluation for my new job. Even though it went well - i was still nervous about it. I mean someone is assessing your work and giving you feedback. So its the, am I fulfilling expectations - is my work quality - am I fitting into the culture - do i have what it takes?

i think for the first time in a while, i really understood that there's a whole world of possibilities out there. not that I'm moving to Europe or anything dramatic like that...but really the world is at our fingertips. it comes down to the choices we make. there are many opportunities but its our choice to take advantage of them. to do something with them.

for example, i could've stressed myself to a frenzy over stuff not being done for my graduation dinner...or whatever...but as i went home to change from setting things up and more so on my drive to the Spirit Arena...i took a couple of deep breaths on my 10 minute walk to the tunnel and holding area...I thought...this is a moment to cherish and to relish - a moment to savor. The last two years of my life's work have culminated in this...and culminated in finding a calling for my life that in itself is monumental. I want to celebrate that with my family, friends, and colleagues.

it was almost overwhelming if it hadn't been for my fellow classmates who I immediately saw and caused much excitement! We'd done it! We endured all the weekend classes, last minute changes in projects, Dr Huerta's quality bibles, and crazy schedules and projects...and in the end, we were walking away with not just an education to help us in our careers in healthcare but with something a bit deeper than that. No one understands better the struggles in this accomplishment and the hard work that was required better than my cohorts in my program.

i made some great friends at Tech - friends/colleagues I have no doubt I'll keep in contact with. these are people who impacted my life one way or another...classmates who understood the pain of schedules or projects...or helped me make light of my many trauma's! or told me about their own trauma's helping me see some of my mini-drama's really weren't that bad...it was sharing coffee or sharing scones from sugar brown's. or lunches provided courtesy of Dr Hoffman! and even going through the experience of graduate school...life continued. it didn't stop.

I'm reminded of Andy Grammer's song, "keep your head up"



life wasn't easy. even though my brother was close, we still went through our own growing pains of being in the same city. it's nice to have him around and to do dinner and then be able to go back to our respective houses! while focused on school, we lost an uncle, my mom was hospitalized twice, and there were many other family drama's I'll not delve into. Plus you add in trying to maintain friendships and family relationships and my relationship with Ricardo.

I had to lay out the priorities fast and often had to make tough choices. Lucky for me, Ricardo made so many of those choices easy. He understands the family priority that is important to me and he's generous in our time.

There were lots of times when it woulda been easy to say forget it. I'm tossing in the towel and going back home. But my mom and dad, bro/sis, Ricardo, and friends at every turn would said to me, "don't give up. do what you gotta do - but keep with school" I'm so glad that they did.

This accomplishment wasn't just about me. its about all those who encouraged me and in their own ways supported me while I made a go of it. i don't think i could ever repay my parents for the opportunity to pursue my dreams. i've seen them help each of us (my siblings and I) in our pursuits...and i see that our joy is their joy. words don't do justice to my gratitude for them!

then there's Ricardo...no matter what, he always encouraged me. i'm so grateful that he came into my life when he did...so glad that he's patient and understanding and secure in who he is. i love him for that. that man makes me laugh life no other! and even in moments when I was far too serious...he always helps me to see beyond myself and the moment I sometimes get lost in. he helps me navigate to a place where I can look and see things for what they really are.

so what's next? i've been asked this quite a bit...

i'm awaiting word on a doctoral program. no, not quiting my job but will work and completely my doctoral program at the same time. and yes, there's a logic to it all. i love my job and continue to learn something new each day. i cant say that i'll be there for an extended or even a short period of time...just that i'll be there until I realize it's time for me to not be there anymore. i'm just excited to be working with some great colleagues and mentors. it's a perfect place for me to be.

so what about forgiveness that I mentioned above?

i've learned that forgiveness often isnt for the benefit of the person we are forgiving but for our own forgiveness...because when we let anger and hurt linger without moving on to forgiveness, it leads to bitterness...and bitterness that leaves a bad taste not only in your own mouth but the mouth of others. it robs us of joy, robs us of the ability to truly celebrate the meaningful things in life, robs us of seeing beauty in everyday moments.

i don't want that life...dont want to spend life angry about things i cant control. i want to spend my time soakin in beautiful moments and enjoying life with those that i love...would rather spend my time trying to make this a better place and contribute positively to my community - to give something back that was given to me.

that's where i'm focusing my energies these days. i've seen far too many people dwell in the place of "what if's" and "if only's" coupled by resentment, anger, and bitterness. shrouded in past resentments often bars us from seeing truth and living in the moment. it causes us to rush through the moments in life we should let linger and soak in. forgiveness is the starting point on the road to healing and recovery...that's all i'm saying...

i'm sure that i have more to stay but its late and i have to be up early with my nephews...they have a tradition with my parents to eat pancakes together on sat morning. they've spent the night with us (i'm visiting) so it'll be pancakes bright and early cause they do not sleep in! LOL...i love those boys. they bring much joy to my life and are sweet and sour all in one! excited to hear "Mimi get up" at 7am on a saturday! they really are too cute and if anything - they remind me how awesome it is to get excited about the little things...like when the ice cream truck comes down our street!

oh and i do have a few trips on the books. it's the one perk of having a real job. you get vacations and get paid while you're on them! LOL

decisions....decisions...

I call it love...

hard to believe we're heading into week three of April! I did a Timothy scream and was like "AH!" the next few days are going to be a bit crazy. have to finish writing a few papers plus class...and decorating for a party this weekend...and dinner with the family for my mom's bday. trying to get everything taken care of but between school, graduation, and everything else...it's been...uhhhh well "manic"? maybe?

either way, I'm ready for Timmy time...I supposed thursday night I'll be sleeping on a twin bed with my nephew. it's the simple things in life that mean that most. like how he talks to me whispering right before he goes to sleep. he's too cute...and I owe him some solid one on one time.

i'll be glad when things slow for a bit.

working with a few organizations and working on some new initiatives.

loving my job. feel like it was the right thing at the right time. love what I do and love my industry. strange to me how a series of decisions have led me to here...not sure where i'll be in the year to come, but i'm ok with that.

I'm happy to be in the moment and to absorb as much as I possibly can. more interested in living in the now than looking forward to the future.

however...i have to get through the next few weeks of classes. i've got three case studies, movie exam, book critique, and final exam left....not to mention a group paper and presentation that will be completed by next tues.

there's not enough time in the day...

i keep reminding myself that eventually it'll be over and i'll be wondering what to do with my time. to me...that's Heaven! lol...

so hadnt watched much tv and what tv I do watch is dvr'd. why do i have cable? oh yeah cause I need my DVR! lol....

all i can say is that i'm looking forward to a quite and relaxing memorial weekend with Ricardo...the man is amazing. who else would help me find something i'm looking for at a craftstore - to which is not his favorite place in the world! that's what i call love...

so i'm working on a top secret project - after this weekend - i'll be able to talk more about it. just hopin that everything goes according to plan.

It'll be nice to have the family together for Easter Weekend especially since my mom's bday is friday. having a nice quiet family dinner on saturday.

once again - I had more to say but am tired...and have an early morning. attending a board meeting during the lunch hour. always on the go, always on the go!

listenin in...

cupcakes and wind

I've been diggin on Marsha Ambrosius's music lately... i even pre-ordered her album which releases on Tues.

the weeks are now going by very quickly...i'm starting to settle into a quasi-routine at least where school is concerned. have a few trips on the books but spending any free-time I have planning parties.

time is definitely flying by. in fact after next week, i'll have been at my job for a month (AH)! I can't believe its been a month but I can say I love what I do and am very happy where I'm at.

as for school, well....i love it but this is a challenging semester with lots of reading. my living room is strewn with books and assigned readings (printed). it's kinda crazy...oh and party supplies...they're in a corner collecting until I need them.

Right now, I'm just trying to keep up with the readings, writing, and research. oh and working on a fundraiser for the clinic where I interned at. very much excited about that!

so there's alot going on right now. making a lot of changes and decisions. not easy ones but necessary. I've begun to see that were some areas of my life are concerned, I've become jaded. not angry upset but just at the point where I'm starting to not care....kinda like you go through the same thing enough times, it starts to not affect you or rather you become numb to it...i can say that's not a good thing cause sometime after is usually when i move on...in some ways its better....others may not be so great.

ambiguity - i know. but necessary.

so this party planning. great golly miss molly. lots of work. figured out what my theme's gonna be and ordered invites. speakin of - i get to order graduation invitations at my graduation fair this week. super stoked about that!

Too long....too much....

I was hoping to improve on the time lapse between posts....when I last posted, I'd just gotten the news about Tia Nena. Can't believe that its gonna be three weeks.

I thought life had gotten crazy before but I wasn't adequately prepared for the change of events even though I tried to mentally prepared for what was to come.  I accepted a job offer a few weeks earlier. I knew balancing school and work was gonna be tough...but that was an understatement.

It's been grueling. Most of my free time is spent reading or writing papers...

In no way am I complaining cause I really do love my job...it's just going through the learning curve of balancing the two. I'm now 16 weeks into school and the work is starting to pile up! in fact on that note...i gotta get back to a paper...this is gonna be my life for the next few days.....