Tuesday, November 10, 2009
what are you talking about?
Humble Me by Norah Jones
Went out on a limb
Gone too far
Broke down at the side of the road
Stranded at the outskirts and the sun's creepin' up
Baby's in the backseat
Still fast asleep
Dreamin' of better days
I don't want to call you but you're all I have to turn to
What do you say
When it's all gone away?
Baby I didn't mean to hurt you
Truth spoke in whispers will tear you apart
No matter how hard you resist it
It never rains when you want it to
You humble me Lord
You humble me Lord
I'm on my knees empty
You humble me Lord
You humble me Lord
So please, please, please forgive me
Baby Teresa she's got your eyes
I see you all the time
When she asks about her daddy
I never know what to say
Heard you kicked the bottle
And you helped build the church
You carry an honest wage
Is it true you have someone keeping you company?
What do you say
When it's all gone away?
Baby I didn't mean to hurt you
Truth spoke in whispers will tear you apart
No matter how hard you resist it
It never rains when you want it to
You humble me Lord
You humble me Lord
I'm on my knees empty
You humble me Lord
You humble me Lord
So, please, please, forgive me
You humble me
Monday, November 9, 2009
gerbil replacements
i made it safely back to the outer confines of west texas. i have an exam tomorrow along with some homework due and lots and lots of studying for the first test in stats. i found some of my undergrad stats notes so i brought them back with me in an attempt to refresh my brain on the material.
gotta say that my playlists are super random. listening to Kenny Roger's "Lady" right now. i know, i'm super cheese. the next song is Chopin's Nocture in E Flat Major - a song which i can actually play.
i was going to bring up the Korg and completely forgot. found my started guitar back home and my violin...was going to bring those too and i forgot! my brain is on overload. just seems like when i go back home for a visit, there's not enough time to do all the things i'd like to do.
it was a really great trip and i went home for a number of reasons, one was to celebrate my cousins bday. she's practically a sister sooo...felt it important to make the trip.
feelin a heck of a lot better about a number of things. startin to see with clarity and realizing that sometimes you just gotta step out on the limb and have some faith that God's gonna provide the safety net. definitely want to talk more about this weekend just that i need to get some shut-eye as i'll be up in three hours to finish studying. gonna finish reading this chapter and then its off to bed.
regardless of how i feel tomorrow, definitely gonna get some time in at the gym. skipped out on running over the weekend and now i'm feelin endless guilt! LOL..not really...but i do need to get into the gym and run a few miles.
one last thought before heading to sleepville - just gotta say that i'm extremely grateful for friends who make you laugh. have had some of the dumbest but most hilarious conversations in the last few days...just feelin alot of joy and man...its a great feeling.
gotta say that my playlists are super random. listening to Kenny Roger's "Lady" right now. i know, i'm super cheese. the next song is Chopin's Nocture in E Flat Major - a song which i can actually play.
i was going to bring up the Korg and completely forgot. found my started guitar back home and my violin...was going to bring those too and i forgot! my brain is on overload. just seems like when i go back home for a visit, there's not enough time to do all the things i'd like to do.
it was a really great trip and i went home for a number of reasons, one was to celebrate my cousins bday. she's practically a sister sooo...felt it important to make the trip.
feelin a heck of a lot better about a number of things. startin to see with clarity and realizing that sometimes you just gotta step out on the limb and have some faith that God's gonna provide the safety net. definitely want to talk more about this weekend just that i need to get some shut-eye as i'll be up in three hours to finish studying. gonna finish reading this chapter and then its off to bed.
regardless of how i feel tomorrow, definitely gonna get some time in at the gym. skipped out on running over the weekend and now i'm feelin endless guilt! LOL..not really...but i do need to get into the gym and run a few miles.
one last thought before heading to sleepville - just gotta say that i'm extremely grateful for friends who make you laugh. have had some of the dumbest but most hilarious conversations in the last few days...just feelin alot of joy and man...its a great feeling.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
unfair expectations
"Whatever men expect, they soon come to think they have a right to: the sense of disappointment can, with very little skill on our part, be turned into a sense of injury." ~ THE SCREWTAPE LETTERS
i've been thinking alot about this quote.
i'm working on uhmmmm, semi-private post. there are certain subjects and things about my life that i tend to stay away from in my blogs. there's a number of reason but mostly to protect the privacy of those in my life who may be involved in the writing of that particular piece. instead, i try to stay as abstract as possible but sometimes you just have to be direct to share what you need to share. this would be the case with this particular post.
i had decided not to write anything about this particular piece of my life because i just felt it wasnt really anyone's business (which i still feel its not) and i didnt think it would be relevant to anyone. OOHHH BOY was I WRONG!
over the course of my *cough cough* short life, i've been blessed to meet some pretty amazing people. i'd like to say that all those relationships have been exemplary but sometimes in relationships things can go sour and things do not end as sometimes they should. i cant exempt myself from that and can't say that i've never wronged anyone or not done something that would cause a relationship to end. i can be an idiot sometimes and sometimes that means i do and say stupid things that i wish i hadn't.
however, i believe there's no changing what is done. what i mean by that is that you can't take back what you've done or said. so i try to be careful about what i say, how i say it, when i say it and what i do...for the simple reason that i really believe that we all say what we really mean. whether we meant to say it out loud is a whole other ballgame...
i also believe that you should examine what someone says to you...there's often truth in their words and its up to us to hear what the other is saying and apply that truth accordingly - whether we believe it or not and whether we believe it applies or not.
that's the tricky part....someone may offer us a constructive criticism and we're quick to chalk up the criticism to an ill-perception. what we think we project, may not always be what others receive and we should be responsible for what we communicate and in what manner we communicate it in but of course, that's just my own opinion.
ok so...i've been working on maintaining important connections, relationships, and friendships with those who have crossed my path over my life. its been pretty incredible because God's brought some relationships back into my life that, quite honestly, i never saw coming back into my life. i'm grateful on so many levels and these individuals have encouraged me in ways i needed but didnt realize. its like i see a whole new dimension of life, living, and relationships. i realize that we're not solitary beings walking alone in this thing called life and that in so many ways we need one another....or rather we were created to have fellowship with one another - created to need relationships.
i've seen how small simple actions like encouraging words or a sincere smile can do something for someone that changes their day or how they move forward in a situation. i had decided a while back that I dont ever want to be a deterrent in anyone's life but rather to be an encourager of people in all things including the pursuit of dreams and purpose in life. i cant say that i've been 100 percent successful but i work at it everyday and work to be as positive and realistic as i can.
this has all led to some really amazing conversations in the last couple of weeks. people dealing with relationships and struggling through issues and situations which is what prompted me to write about my own situation. honestly, i dont quite fully understand it myself or know how i ended up where i did...but i've been dealing with a number of things of various fronts.
there's this "dream" which haunts me night and day...and maybe haunts is not the right word perhaps pursue is a better choice, but it follows me where ever i go and no matter what road i choose to walk down. it doesnt leave.
i decided to stop running from it, embrace it, and fully pursue it (which is where i'm at now). at the same time, i felt like i was having to choose between this idea of love and a dream. i say an idea because it wasnt fully realized in a reciprocated fashion but that's not really the point....the point being why would someone who really truly cares about you ever ask you to give up a dream or even remotely broach the issue? or rather than encourage you in going for it...try to reason with you about why you shouldnt...or cause you to doubt it?
i've talked to a number of you dealing with the issue of distance in relationships. i'd like to comment, seriously, i would but i dont quite understand the issues surrounding this topic myself. i just know that in the relationships i respect most, i've seen people (both sides now) work hard to make things work....and when one party doesnt want to put in the necessary effort or isnt willing to, then what do you do?
they kind check out and you're left standing there wondering "what happened?" "was i not worth the effort?" "is it really that difficult?" i've done the distance thing and yeah its not easy but i'll also say a lesson learned, "i'll never move to a city for a man unless there's a ring on my finger."
i've also been evaluating existing relationships in my life. i'm talking about those relationships that i consider my inner circle. i'm careful about those i keep in close proximity of my person and i mean physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. there have been some relationships that it was just necessary to walk away from and others i've felt just the opposite about it.
relationships arent easy to navigate and i sometimes wish we had a "how-to" manual...but its just not that easy. each of us is created uniquely and so my relationship with someone will not be the same as someone else with that person. its just how it is...and really that's what causes us to grown and learn and stretch as people.
i think often times people try to surround themsleves with like-minded people which isn't a bad thing but its the diversity in each of us that challenge those around us and cause us to grow. i cant imagine if my circle of friends were exactly the same. i'm sooo glad that each person in my life is sooo different, have different interests and knowledge because i learn from each of them.
i dont know quite how all of this ties together just to say that God's been teaching and showing me alot. i'm waiting for the application or the "ah-ha" moment when i realize "oh this is why!" but for now, i'm quite fine to be in learning mode. if anything, i see that God's word is guide to us as to how to be about good relationships. something which should be a priority and is important.
this week is going to be tough but i'm ready for the challenge. a weekend home was exactly what i needed to restore some hope i felt was wanning. i also got to visit with Señorita Poochie and miss her dearly. working on getting her moved up to lubbock just taking a bit of time.
i will say that i'm soooo super excited about Christmas. its absolutely my favorite time of the year...the lights, the sounds, smells, time with friends and family. OH I CAN'T WAIT! seriously!!! i've been listening to christmas music. i know it may be a bit early but some folks down the street from my bro already have part of their christmas lights up! how amazingly awesome is that? havent quite decided what to do in terms of decorating my apt but we will see! i may swap trees with my bro for this year something about a 9ft tree in my apt uhm yeah probably not going to work. although i do have high ceilings....i still cant see it fitting in my apt.
alright...to bed i go...dessert with some friends tomorrow after a bday lunch for my prima...and then its back home to get ready for a tough week of tests and homework! going to sleep tonight very much at peace and content.
i've been thinking alot about this quote.
i'm working on uhmmmm, semi-private post. there are certain subjects and things about my life that i tend to stay away from in my blogs. there's a number of reason but mostly to protect the privacy of those in my life who may be involved in the writing of that particular piece. instead, i try to stay as abstract as possible but sometimes you just have to be direct to share what you need to share. this would be the case with this particular post.
i had decided not to write anything about this particular piece of my life because i just felt it wasnt really anyone's business (which i still feel its not) and i didnt think it would be relevant to anyone. OOHHH BOY was I WRONG!
over the course of my *cough cough* short life, i've been blessed to meet some pretty amazing people. i'd like to say that all those relationships have been exemplary but sometimes in relationships things can go sour and things do not end as sometimes they should. i cant exempt myself from that and can't say that i've never wronged anyone or not done something that would cause a relationship to end. i can be an idiot sometimes and sometimes that means i do and say stupid things that i wish i hadn't.
however, i believe there's no changing what is done. what i mean by that is that you can't take back what you've done or said. so i try to be careful about what i say, how i say it, when i say it and what i do...for the simple reason that i really believe that we all say what we really mean. whether we meant to say it out loud is a whole other ballgame...
i also believe that you should examine what someone says to you...there's often truth in their words and its up to us to hear what the other is saying and apply that truth accordingly - whether we believe it or not and whether we believe it applies or not.
that's the tricky part....someone may offer us a constructive criticism and we're quick to chalk up the criticism to an ill-perception. what we think we project, may not always be what others receive and we should be responsible for what we communicate and in what manner we communicate it in but of course, that's just my own opinion.
ok so...i've been working on maintaining important connections, relationships, and friendships with those who have crossed my path over my life. its been pretty incredible because God's brought some relationships back into my life that, quite honestly, i never saw coming back into my life. i'm grateful on so many levels and these individuals have encouraged me in ways i needed but didnt realize. its like i see a whole new dimension of life, living, and relationships. i realize that we're not solitary beings walking alone in this thing called life and that in so many ways we need one another....or rather we were created to have fellowship with one another - created to need relationships.
i've seen how small simple actions like encouraging words or a sincere smile can do something for someone that changes their day or how they move forward in a situation. i had decided a while back that I dont ever want to be a deterrent in anyone's life but rather to be an encourager of people in all things including the pursuit of dreams and purpose in life. i cant say that i've been 100 percent successful but i work at it everyday and work to be as positive and realistic as i can.
this has all led to some really amazing conversations in the last couple of weeks. people dealing with relationships and struggling through issues and situations which is what prompted me to write about my own situation. honestly, i dont quite fully understand it myself or know how i ended up where i did...but i've been dealing with a number of things of various fronts.
there's this "dream" which haunts me night and day...and maybe haunts is not the right word perhaps pursue is a better choice, but it follows me where ever i go and no matter what road i choose to walk down. it doesnt leave.
i decided to stop running from it, embrace it, and fully pursue it (which is where i'm at now). at the same time, i felt like i was having to choose between this idea of love and a dream. i say an idea because it wasnt fully realized in a reciprocated fashion but that's not really the point....the point being why would someone who really truly cares about you ever ask you to give up a dream or even remotely broach the issue? or rather than encourage you in going for it...try to reason with you about why you shouldnt...or cause you to doubt it?
i've talked to a number of you dealing with the issue of distance in relationships. i'd like to comment, seriously, i would but i dont quite understand the issues surrounding this topic myself. i just know that in the relationships i respect most, i've seen people (both sides now) work hard to make things work....and when one party doesnt want to put in the necessary effort or isnt willing to, then what do you do?
they kind check out and you're left standing there wondering "what happened?" "was i not worth the effort?" "is it really that difficult?" i've done the distance thing and yeah its not easy but i'll also say a lesson learned, "i'll never move to a city for a man unless there's a ring on my finger."
i've also been evaluating existing relationships in my life. i'm talking about those relationships that i consider my inner circle. i'm careful about those i keep in close proximity of my person and i mean physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. there have been some relationships that it was just necessary to walk away from and others i've felt just the opposite about it.
relationships arent easy to navigate and i sometimes wish we had a "how-to" manual...but its just not that easy. each of us is created uniquely and so my relationship with someone will not be the same as someone else with that person. its just how it is...and really that's what causes us to grown and learn and stretch as people.
i think often times people try to surround themsleves with like-minded people which isn't a bad thing but its the diversity in each of us that challenge those around us and cause us to grow. i cant imagine if my circle of friends were exactly the same. i'm sooo glad that each person in my life is sooo different, have different interests and knowledge because i learn from each of them.
i dont know quite how all of this ties together just to say that God's been teaching and showing me alot. i'm waiting for the application or the "ah-ha" moment when i realize "oh this is why!" but for now, i'm quite fine to be in learning mode. if anything, i see that God's word is guide to us as to how to be about good relationships. something which should be a priority and is important.
this week is going to be tough but i'm ready for the challenge. a weekend home was exactly what i needed to restore some hope i felt was wanning. i also got to visit with Señorita Poochie and miss her dearly. working on getting her moved up to lubbock just taking a bit of time.
i will say that i'm soooo super excited about Christmas. its absolutely my favorite time of the year...the lights, the sounds, smells, time with friends and family. OH I CAN'T WAIT! seriously!!! i've been listening to christmas music. i know it may be a bit early but some folks down the street from my bro already have part of their christmas lights up! how amazingly awesome is that? havent quite decided what to do in terms of decorating my apt but we will see! i may swap trees with my bro for this year something about a 9ft tree in my apt uhm yeah probably not going to work. although i do have high ceilings....i still cant see it fitting in my apt.
alright...to bed i go...dessert with some friends tomorrow after a bday lunch for my prima...and then its back home to get ready for a tough week of tests and homework! going to sleep tonight very much at peace and content.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
good to be back
back in my hometown, visiting for the weekend. its good to be back...OH its good to be back! trip back went much more quickly than i expected. had some time to "flesh" things out. its been a tough week.
i feel like i'm starting to sound like a broken record. i'm saying its been a "tough week" far to often. each week seems to have escalated from the week before. i'm believing and claiming this coming week to be far better than some of the ones i've seen.
if its not one thing then its something else. i keep asking Jesus, could you please just get my ducks lined up in a row please? lol...at least for next week?
i have two sets of homework and two exams next week...going to be rough, i know but i've done some preliminary leg work to ensure its not so bad. like finance homework done and half the stats homework. started my typed notes for my marketing exam and working on studying for stats.
i gotta say that coming home, even though i probably shoulda stayed and studied, was the right thing to do.
i needed to check on señorita poochies, who is sleeping with me tonight. she abandoned ship on my parents. apparently when i'm gone, she sleeps with them. i can home to her "loving" meows which let me know she was not a happy kitty. i also realized that come sunday, it will be a year since señore poochie, her brother, has passed. hard to believe its been a year...
had dinner tonight with the extended fam and it felt like old times. we ran into more family and family friends we hadnt seen in a while. it was a good thing...i got to spend some time with my cousin and will have lunch/dinner with friends i havent seen in a while as well. going to be good times for sure.
also, i've gotta comment on the people that have come back into my life from my past. that in itself has been totally amazing and a huge blessing in terms of hearing what's been happening in their lives and getting to see what God has done in them. it's given me alot of hope and encouragement in ways i didnt realize i needed.
to that - God has completely amazed me. i have no doubt that He's with me..and probably smacked me on the back of the head a few times for some bonehead decisions or for not doing something i shoulda done...but its His graciousness that overwhelms me at times. i keep thinking ok this situation is crazy insane but despite it God I know you love me and I know You're seeing me through it.
stinks going through it...stinks walking in it...but you know...sometimes that's how it's gotta be. i dont completely understand it, but i've realized from my 5k training that there are days when yeah...its tough and you wanna just give up. i've had days when i'm like i feel like this is defeating me instead of building me up...but i think it comes down to your mentality. i have to remind myself, "i'm in this to win it." the fighter within somehow surfaces and there i go...fighting tooth and nail for that second or tenth of a mile or next push-up or whatever it is that i'm engaging in.
what gets me through those moments in taking it step by step...i self-talk "one more step, come on two more steps" until i reach the desired goal, etc...sometimes in life you gotta do that....just two more seconds, just one more second....you can't look five miles up the road, just gotta focus on your next step...if i stopped to worry about all the other things happening or not happening in my life, i'd easily be overwhelmed....but instead i look at the most pressing and immediate thing and say let me focus on this..and once i work through that then focus on the next thing. it has preserved my sanity and kept me moving forward.
i know to some of you, this doesnt make any sense. you may think, you look fine...look like everything's together...and most days it is...but there are moments when i feel like "am i going to survive today? am i going to survive this moment." its then that i feel the tap on my should and can here Jesus say, "you're gonna be just fine, i've got your back, you're blessed beyond measure, and its not as bad as it seems."
it's going to get better, things will change, and life does indeed go on....
i'm trusting and walking, moving forward and determined to make progress. i knew when i started this journey that it wouldn't be easy and that the mountain i was going to face was no minor hill, so i was well aware of the challenges that lay ahead in pursuit of this dream. what i can say without a shadow of a doubt is that this is what i'm supposed to be doing...i'm where i'm supposed to be...and i'm pursuing what i was meant to pursue. it is woven into every fabric of my being and i cannot waiver from that.
yes there is uncertainty in regards to where this will lead me, but i refuse to live life wondering "what if." sometimes sacrifice is necessary in following your heart and following God's plan. i know that this road has cost me much but i have to say that being where i'm supposed to be and really living in that peace is worth everything that has been sacrificed. i look not to the immediate future and benefits but to the long term and the eternal impact these decisions have. to some, they make no sense and that's ok...to me, i can see the immediately path clearly and at the end of the day that's what really matters.
so grateful for the unwaivering support of friends and family and unconditional love. there are people in my life that i dont doubt their concern, care, and love for me and i can say that in the last couple of months these people have been pillars in my life. pillars that God has used to get me through and help me see the light at the end of the tunnel.
wheels have been set in motion and there's some waiting to be done, but i'm confident that in the end...God will see to those promises that He gave so long ago. It isnt over until He says it is...and so i may be down for the moment, but i'm not out for the count and i'm getting back up with a very different confidence and stronger steady fire. when you've experienced true hunger, you learn to appreciate the simplicity of nourishment...you no longer have the expectation of the extravagance of certain elements but appreciate what you've been given and graciously accept what's being provided.
i feel like i'm starting to sound like a broken record. i'm saying its been a "tough week" far to often. each week seems to have escalated from the week before. i'm believing and claiming this coming week to be far better than some of the ones i've seen.
if its not one thing then its something else. i keep asking Jesus, could you please just get my ducks lined up in a row please? lol...at least for next week?
i have two sets of homework and two exams next week...going to be rough, i know but i've done some preliminary leg work to ensure its not so bad. like finance homework done and half the stats homework. started my typed notes for my marketing exam and working on studying for stats.
i gotta say that coming home, even though i probably shoulda stayed and studied, was the right thing to do.
i needed to check on señorita poochies, who is sleeping with me tonight. she abandoned ship on my parents. apparently when i'm gone, she sleeps with them. i can home to her "loving" meows which let me know she was not a happy kitty. i also realized that come sunday, it will be a year since señore poochie, her brother, has passed. hard to believe its been a year...
had dinner tonight with the extended fam and it felt like old times. we ran into more family and family friends we hadnt seen in a while. it was a good thing...i got to spend some time with my cousin and will have lunch/dinner with friends i havent seen in a while as well. going to be good times for sure.
also, i've gotta comment on the people that have come back into my life from my past. that in itself has been totally amazing and a huge blessing in terms of hearing what's been happening in their lives and getting to see what God has done in them. it's given me alot of hope and encouragement in ways i didnt realize i needed.
to that - God has completely amazed me. i have no doubt that He's with me..and probably smacked me on the back of the head a few times for some bonehead decisions or for not doing something i shoulda done...but its His graciousness that overwhelms me at times. i keep thinking ok this situation is crazy insane but despite it God I know you love me and I know You're seeing me through it.
stinks going through it...stinks walking in it...but you know...sometimes that's how it's gotta be. i dont completely understand it, but i've realized from my 5k training that there are days when yeah...its tough and you wanna just give up. i've had days when i'm like i feel like this is defeating me instead of building me up...but i think it comes down to your mentality. i have to remind myself, "i'm in this to win it." the fighter within somehow surfaces and there i go...fighting tooth and nail for that second or tenth of a mile or next push-up or whatever it is that i'm engaging in.
what gets me through those moments in taking it step by step...i self-talk "one more step, come on two more steps" until i reach the desired goal, etc...sometimes in life you gotta do that....just two more seconds, just one more second....you can't look five miles up the road, just gotta focus on your next step...if i stopped to worry about all the other things happening or not happening in my life, i'd easily be overwhelmed....but instead i look at the most pressing and immediate thing and say let me focus on this..and once i work through that then focus on the next thing. it has preserved my sanity and kept me moving forward.
i know to some of you, this doesnt make any sense. you may think, you look fine...look like everything's together...and most days it is...but there are moments when i feel like "am i going to survive today? am i going to survive this moment." its then that i feel the tap on my should and can here Jesus say, "you're gonna be just fine, i've got your back, you're blessed beyond measure, and its not as bad as it seems."
it's going to get better, things will change, and life does indeed go on....
i'm trusting and walking, moving forward and determined to make progress. i knew when i started this journey that it wouldn't be easy and that the mountain i was going to face was no minor hill, so i was well aware of the challenges that lay ahead in pursuit of this dream. what i can say without a shadow of a doubt is that this is what i'm supposed to be doing...i'm where i'm supposed to be...and i'm pursuing what i was meant to pursue. it is woven into every fabric of my being and i cannot waiver from that.
yes there is uncertainty in regards to where this will lead me, but i refuse to live life wondering "what if." sometimes sacrifice is necessary in following your heart and following God's plan. i know that this road has cost me much but i have to say that being where i'm supposed to be and really living in that peace is worth everything that has been sacrificed. i look not to the immediate future and benefits but to the long term and the eternal impact these decisions have. to some, they make no sense and that's ok...to me, i can see the immediately path clearly and at the end of the day that's what really matters.
so grateful for the unwaivering support of friends and family and unconditional love. there are people in my life that i dont doubt their concern, care, and love for me and i can say that in the last couple of months these people have been pillars in my life. pillars that God has used to get me through and help me see the light at the end of the tunnel.
wheels have been set in motion and there's some waiting to be done, but i'm confident that in the end...God will see to those promises that He gave so long ago. It isnt over until He says it is...and so i may be down for the moment, but i'm not out for the count and i'm getting back up with a very different confidence and stronger steady fire. when you've experienced true hunger, you learn to appreciate the simplicity of nourishment...you no longer have the expectation of the extravagance of certain elements but appreciate what you've been given and graciously accept what's being provided.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
laying it down
i had high hopes for today. hopes that there would be less drama and disappointment than in recent days. that was not the case...i was rocked with tons of reminders and encouragement. some helpful and insightful but really...they dont have any power to do much for you unless you willingly accept them.
i had a situation completely out of my control go down. completely shook me and more than anything really irritated me. had to deal with someone who was not pleasant and just in the last week am really tired of dealing with people who are ugly to others. i wish i could say i responded as best i could but the week had already taken its toll and i did what i could with what i had.
what i'm most astounded by is this back and forth of events/activities/circustances. great things happening in the midst of tough circumstances and situations.
i know that God's in complete control...know that this is the point where faith is tested and must be accompanied by action. but it doesnt lessen the pain of walking through the tough stuff. i love the people in my life who've walked beside me, even not knowing the deepth of the situation at hand. the amazing thing is that i dont have to devulge everything, dont have to share every emotion or every thought...
i've also learned enough to know that it will pass. a new season will come just as quickly and quietly as this one did. right now i'm contending with decisions made. some i can do nothing about. they were made years ago but the consequences are still affecting me today. it's frustrating but what do you do? take what you have and do with it as best as you can. i've had long talks with Jesus about it. in fact, He and i have had lots of long talks about alot of things.
despite all the recent stuff of life. He's the one thing I can be absolutely certain of.
I'm gonna take this a little deeper than I have previously. i may pay for it later but i've had to many conversations with people going through stuff to not talk about my journey.
i'm not going to go into details because its not about what i'm actually facing but more about the journey of all this stuff. i've learned that we dont truly know what someone else is walking through without being in their shoes. sure we can catch a glimpse of it and/or sympathize because we've been through a similar situation but you never really know all that one is contending with. don't know the skeletons in the closet, the past hurts or situations, dont know the things they dont tell or share....and i think that's where we sometimes get it wrong.
i say dont make assumptions because you dont know. we want to offer pretty words, we want to offer solutions, we often want people to move into happier more fun times but sometimes the best thing we can offer is to just be there...to say hey i'm here if you need anything.
i've tried to remember that in conversations i've had lately. remembering grace and love which is unconditional and expects nothing in return. i dont understand why the tough stuff has come now...dont know why certain individuals i love are facing some traumatic situations. why people are struggling or facing stuff way beyond anything they've ever seen....
the hardest part of the day, for me, comes right before i go to sleep. its those last few moments when my mind races and all the thoughts of the day come flooding back. when stuff i dont really want to think about comes creeping up to say, hey here i am...you've not yet dealt with me.
its then that i reflect on the choices i've made or didnt make....its then i'm sometimes ridden with regret for choosing something over something else or for not taking a road or opportunity. i cant change any of it, cant go back and make it into something else, cant take back what i've given away...it's done.
all i can do is to ask God to take what I have and to make it into something beautiful, to turn around those decisions i made, and do something amazing with them.
lately, i've been feelin a little humpty dumpty-like. i've been asking Jesus to put back together those broken pieces. not necessarily easy or painless. Necessary for sure...but i've come to realize that so many of us are walking down similar roads.
dreams not gone as planned....facing challenges beyond us...not quite sure what the next few steps are...some of us are letting go, while others of us are walking through some tough healing processes. we're all facing something...maybe its a moment of great joy or just sitting to reflect.
despite what we're facing no matter how tough...i'm learning that we can face it with joy. count it all joy no matter what we endure. not an easy lesson to learn for sure. what more, i see God's love in so many situations and in friends and family. in those crazy conversations that take me to a place of relief and laughter that are so silly people would wonder but that cause me to smile or to remember that its not as bad as i think.
i've remained pretty silent about alot of things happening in the last few months...but there comes a point where you just cant be silent anymore. i've also learned that what the enemy means for your detriment, God has the complete ability to use for His good and the greater good of His people.
my situation isnt the end of the world, no its sooo far from it. i have needed some faith to activate my situation. reminders that it may seem impossible but with God all things are possible. i also know that situations like this develop character, perseverance, and strengthen our hope in the unfailing.
there is one who loves us unconditionally...and without reservation. that is what i wake up to each morning and what i hold on to throughout each day. i'm blessed beyond measure and what i have right now is the gift of life...so no matter what i may feel in the moment...there are truths that i can trust and lean on to see me through.
i've witnessed God do some amazing things in the lives of people i know. i've been a witness to the things He's done in my own life and the life of my family. so many of you can share you're own stories.
i think it was most poignantly put today...that in the midst of your self-made pity party...to think about the things which you have been blessed with...take your eyes of your situation and raise them to the sky. in the end, our own self-loathing does nothing for our situation but make it worse...its when we go to the Father and say, I trust and walk in whatever You have for me...no matter how painful or difficult...i walk in joy...that's the true test. is what He has enough for me and am I willing to let it be enough?
on my knees
laura
i had a situation completely out of my control go down. completely shook me and more than anything really irritated me. had to deal with someone who was not pleasant and just in the last week am really tired of dealing with people who are ugly to others. i wish i could say i responded as best i could but the week had already taken its toll and i did what i could with what i had.
what i'm most astounded by is this back and forth of events/activities/circustances. great things happening in the midst of tough circumstances and situations.
i know that God's in complete control...know that this is the point where faith is tested and must be accompanied by action. but it doesnt lessen the pain of walking through the tough stuff. i love the people in my life who've walked beside me, even not knowing the deepth of the situation at hand. the amazing thing is that i dont have to devulge everything, dont have to share every emotion or every thought...
i've also learned enough to know that it will pass. a new season will come just as quickly and quietly as this one did. right now i'm contending with decisions made. some i can do nothing about. they were made years ago but the consequences are still affecting me today. it's frustrating but what do you do? take what you have and do with it as best as you can. i've had long talks with Jesus about it. in fact, He and i have had lots of long talks about alot of things.
despite all the recent stuff of life. He's the one thing I can be absolutely certain of.
I'm gonna take this a little deeper than I have previously. i may pay for it later but i've had to many conversations with people going through stuff to not talk about my journey.
i'm not going to go into details because its not about what i'm actually facing but more about the journey of all this stuff. i've learned that we dont truly know what someone else is walking through without being in their shoes. sure we can catch a glimpse of it and/or sympathize because we've been through a similar situation but you never really know all that one is contending with. don't know the skeletons in the closet, the past hurts or situations, dont know the things they dont tell or share....and i think that's where we sometimes get it wrong.
i say dont make assumptions because you dont know. we want to offer pretty words, we want to offer solutions, we often want people to move into happier more fun times but sometimes the best thing we can offer is to just be there...to say hey i'm here if you need anything.
i've tried to remember that in conversations i've had lately. remembering grace and love which is unconditional and expects nothing in return. i dont understand why the tough stuff has come now...dont know why certain individuals i love are facing some traumatic situations. why people are struggling or facing stuff way beyond anything they've ever seen....
the hardest part of the day, for me, comes right before i go to sleep. its those last few moments when my mind races and all the thoughts of the day come flooding back. when stuff i dont really want to think about comes creeping up to say, hey here i am...you've not yet dealt with me.
its then that i reflect on the choices i've made or didnt make....its then i'm sometimes ridden with regret for choosing something over something else or for not taking a road or opportunity. i cant change any of it, cant go back and make it into something else, cant take back what i've given away...it's done.
all i can do is to ask God to take what I have and to make it into something beautiful, to turn around those decisions i made, and do something amazing with them.
lately, i've been feelin a little humpty dumpty-like. i've been asking Jesus to put back together those broken pieces. not necessarily easy or painless. Necessary for sure...but i've come to realize that so many of us are walking down similar roads.
dreams not gone as planned....facing challenges beyond us...not quite sure what the next few steps are...some of us are letting go, while others of us are walking through some tough healing processes. we're all facing something...maybe its a moment of great joy or just sitting to reflect.
despite what we're facing no matter how tough...i'm learning that we can face it with joy. count it all joy no matter what we endure. not an easy lesson to learn for sure. what more, i see God's love in so many situations and in friends and family. in those crazy conversations that take me to a place of relief and laughter that are so silly people would wonder but that cause me to smile or to remember that its not as bad as i think.
i've remained pretty silent about alot of things happening in the last few months...but there comes a point where you just cant be silent anymore. i've also learned that what the enemy means for your detriment, God has the complete ability to use for His good and the greater good of His people.
my situation isnt the end of the world, no its sooo far from it. i have needed some faith to activate my situation. reminders that it may seem impossible but with God all things are possible. i also know that situations like this develop character, perseverance, and strengthen our hope in the unfailing.
there is one who loves us unconditionally...and without reservation. that is what i wake up to each morning and what i hold on to throughout each day. i'm blessed beyond measure and what i have right now is the gift of life...so no matter what i may feel in the moment...there are truths that i can trust and lean on to see me through.
i've witnessed God do some amazing things in the lives of people i know. i've been a witness to the things He's done in my own life and the life of my family. so many of you can share you're own stories.
i think it was most poignantly put today...that in the midst of your self-made pity party...to think about the things which you have been blessed with...take your eyes of your situation and raise them to the sky. in the end, our own self-loathing does nothing for our situation but make it worse...its when we go to the Father and say, I trust and walk in whatever You have for me...no matter how painful or difficult...i walk in joy...that's the true test. is what He has enough for me and am I willing to let it be enough?
I can be in a crowd or by myself, Almost anywhere, When i feel a need to talk with God, He is Emmanuel, When I close my eyes, No darkness there, There's only light!what i know best to do, is to take it to the Father. to be covered with repentence and forgivness for what i've not done or done wrong...to go before His throne and into His presence for what I need...knowing the authority He's given us to do just that...He's waiting for each of us...and so tomorrow i will start my day in the manner which i ended mine today.
on my knees
laura
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
fightin' tooth and nail
so this chicka is not out for the count. oh no SIR!!! despite some recent activities and just life drama in general, i'd been not feelin like a winner.
then i took a super mega-tron nap this afternoon and was finally able to shake the fuzzy feelin i'd been feelin since the weekend. lol. not that a megatron nap did the trick but it certainly helped.
i started working on some pressing tasks and just realized i dont have time to be distracted by retarded, insidious drama. so that got me on the fast-track of pullin it together which is where i'm at now.
tomorrow morning is a training session in the early AM and then its game time to start preparing for next week's homework/case due dates and exams. plus i think i'm going back home for a visit over this weekend and well there's no studying while i'm home. missing senorita poochie and it's always good to visit the rents.
so the most hilarious thing happened to my best friend - though i've not received permission to share - so i wont. but she seriously cracked me up. conversations with her throughout the day have inspired and encouraged me with alot of different things but most pointedly in the area of training for this darn 5k. i've changed my diet once again and let me just say that the new calorie restrictions are super harsh *this is the plan my trainer has me on* so the adjustment to the new calorie count...not so fun. either way...pressin through it cause you know me...a fighter to the death! lol...
also gotta say that Jesus is amazing. have more to say about that but will wait to post that blog until tomorrow. for now, its sleep, sleep, sleep!
hope you are all having super great weeks and enjoying the beautiful lovely weather. its super amazing and i just want to sit on a park bench and soak up the sun (during the day - not right now!!!) lol. just clarifying. alright loves. peace be upon you!
then i took a super mega-tron nap this afternoon and was finally able to shake the fuzzy feelin i'd been feelin since the weekend. lol. not that a megatron nap did the trick but it certainly helped.
i started working on some pressing tasks and just realized i dont have time to be distracted by retarded, insidious drama. so that got me on the fast-track of pullin it together which is where i'm at now.
tomorrow morning is a training session in the early AM and then its game time to start preparing for next week's homework/case due dates and exams. plus i think i'm going back home for a visit over this weekend and well there's no studying while i'm home. missing senorita poochie and it's always good to visit the rents.
so the most hilarious thing happened to my best friend - though i've not received permission to share - so i wont. but she seriously cracked me up. conversations with her throughout the day have inspired and encouraged me with alot of different things but most pointedly in the area of training for this darn 5k. i've changed my diet once again and let me just say that the new calorie restrictions are super harsh *this is the plan my trainer has me on* so the adjustment to the new calorie count...not so fun. either way...pressin through it cause you know me...a fighter to the death! lol...
also gotta say that Jesus is amazing. have more to say about that but will wait to post that blog until tomorrow. for now, its sleep, sleep, sleep!
hope you are all having super great weeks and enjoying the beautiful lovely weather. its super amazing and i just want to sit on a park bench and soak up the sun (during the day - not right now!!!) lol. just clarifying. alright loves. peace be upon you!
Monday, November 2, 2009
truth be known: you make me wanna barf...
sometimes you dont need someone to understand, you just need them to listen. its usually when you do, that they decide not to, listen that is. so if i could just get rid of all the dramatic "elements" in my life right now, life would be good....really good. unfortunately, there are some things sooooo far outta my control that any efforts to eliminate them would be futile. so i'll trust them to capable hands.
been listening to Plumb's "Chaotic" album.
think i might just go running tomorrow to this one.
another one is "better"
i have to give a big thank you to my best friend who sent me a link of stuff to read while i was in marketing today. i know...probably not the best thing in the world to be doing but i cant really help going into a trance like state in that class or stats. AGH! and tomorrow morning 3 hrs of stats. maybe i can work on my homework during class?
we still dont have grades posted for our first 8 week courses. makes me a bit nervous.
not much on the agenda for this week - though i have homework and a test next week - i'm seriously thinking of going home this weekend. have more to say but i'm exhausted...it's monday! trucking towards the weekend.
been listening to Plumb's "Chaotic" album.
think i might just go running tomorrow to this one.
another one is "better"
i have to give a big thank you to my best friend who sent me a link of stuff to read while i was in marketing today. i know...probably not the best thing in the world to be doing but i cant really help going into a trance like state in that class or stats. AGH! and tomorrow morning 3 hrs of stats. maybe i can work on my homework during class?
we still dont have grades posted for our first 8 week courses. makes me a bit nervous.
not much on the agenda for this week - though i have homework and a test next week - i'm seriously thinking of going home this weekend. have more to say but i'm exhausted...it's monday! trucking towards the weekend.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Manhattan
empowerment is a funny thing.
who you empower do do what and when...whole other ball game.
earlier today...i was irritated by a number of situations. lots of why? whens? what are you thinking? kinda' questioning.
seems i've experienced a whole new sort of shift in life and its not one i'm super happy about. yet at the same time, its also one i can do little to change. more than anything the shift has become a distraction. trying to remain focused on those things which need my immediate attention. fortunately for me, right now, those seem to be in abundance.
so this post isnt as positive as others have been. not in terms of i'm not being positive but more in regards to being positive can sometimes require alot of work. its almost as if - moving to another city where no one knows you would be soooo much easier than staying where you are. oh but that's not true either. so you just gotta grit your teeth and buckle down for the bumpy ride. turbulence usually never lasts too long.
there are some things which i need to address and others which i dont feel's really worth the effort. (makes me laugh thinking about it). some things that are completely out of my control and to be honest i have no idea how they ended up where they are...but things are what they are. so now i gotta deal with it. fun stuff...really...
i can say that i've finally arrived to a point where i'm tired of letting things remain as they are. there's been some dramatic departures and i thought those actions would only complicate life further...turns out it's only simplified things. no more concern for certain issues/situations. not giving time to situations which will have no return. (chuckle)
no...i'm taking those energies once focused on those situations and channeling them towards some progressive forward-moving projects.
(listening to GLO - Midnight Voyage - thanks Kijsten - great recommendation for the running playlist)
it seems that old skeletons are trying to creep out of the closet which is why i brought up empowerment. i had some long long talks with key people in my life. just had to get it all out and say hey, this is the situation. let me just say that ALWAYS - honesty is THE only policy. for now, i know what i'm contending with and have the necessary help to see me through.
i've also really really really realized the value of the support system i have in my life right now. can't say enough about those people who've stuck by me in the last couple of months. love you more than words could ever express and no, you're actions, thoughts, words, prayers havent gone unnoticed.
again - all of this is pretty abstract so please dont assume you know what i'm talking about unless you really know, (and trust me if you're in my inner cirlce - you'll know). i love how some people can take things completely out of context or make these super erroneous assumptions that you're talking about them when really you're addressing something so far away and apart from them that it could be the distance between the Sun and Pluto! Truthfully rather than upset me. those kind of assumption making abilities kinda crack me up and i just have to roll my eyes when people do that. I mean, seriously, it takes some really *cough cough* "colorful and creative" people to make assumptions like that. If i was being really candid, i just say they were "crazies."
i must say a million times, dont make assumptions just be direct and ask. but as usual, people like to assume things are about them when really they're not. so lesson number 1: never assume where i'm concerned. i tend to throw myself for a loop at times so you cant really ever know what i'm attemption to do: sometimes I dont even know.
its not like i just outwardly act without thinking through my actions. i try to be considerate, thoughtful, and methodical but i've learned that my thought process sometimes departs greatly from the general population. so what i may consider to be saying one thing could very well be saying something else. it's who i am...and sometimes that tends to be an "outlier" as we would say in stats. it is what it is so just deal with it. i cant apologize for being who i am and who i was created to be. it just is.
i've honestly thought about law school in another state just to get a completely new, fresh start. but isnt that a form of "running"? yeah...not a good idea.
for now - that idea has been tabled. mainly because i havent been lead to pursue that option. there are some options which i need to consider but i seriously dont want to. like i just want to scratch them off the list and say No WAY JOSE! "Get that corn outta my face" like Nacho....uhm yeah...but havent been led to do that either.
i have a finance test tomorrow. back in the full swing of class work as the second 8 week stint is underway. kinda weird to only have three classes but to be going full throttle. i'd like to say the work load is what i need to keep me busy, but let me just be honest. its not...i mean when you compare it to 18+ hours and then online coursework on top of that...yeah, it seems a little slow to me. But i'm glad that i had some freedom in my schedule because the last 8 week session was a little crazy...with my bro-in-law's surgery and getting bronchitis = not so bueno.
i can say i'm feeling better and am now contending with the dry conditions of this part of the state. i'm slathering lotion on every five minutes! i now know how my sister felt when she moved from Florida to Texas but i only moved 3 hours north!
so for now...my mode is survival. its a rough season and i know that a new one will come soon enough. working on being thankful for where i'm at and for what i'm going through. just gotta say that sometimes its hard. you just want to stay under the covers and hope all the situations will disappear. Oh but that's not putting on your BIG GIRL pants and dealing with the necessary stuff like an adult. yes i know...so that's what i'm working on.
for now that means getting back to studying for finance...got that test in the A.M.
night beautiful people - i hope you're week goes well.
don't worry - faith has not left and is not going anywhere anytime soon. just have to be real about the current state of life. its not easy but despite that i can say that yeah Jesus/God is with me at all times and that's what carries me through the day to "fly like a bird" a song i've been listening to quite a bit as of late.
trusting until i'm blue in the face.
who you empower do do what and when...whole other ball game.
earlier today...i was irritated by a number of situations. lots of why? whens? what are you thinking? kinda' questioning.
seems i've experienced a whole new sort of shift in life and its not one i'm super happy about. yet at the same time, its also one i can do little to change. more than anything the shift has become a distraction. trying to remain focused on those things which need my immediate attention. fortunately for me, right now, those seem to be in abundance.
so this post isnt as positive as others have been. not in terms of i'm not being positive but more in regards to being positive can sometimes require alot of work. its almost as if - moving to another city where no one knows you would be soooo much easier than staying where you are. oh but that's not true either. so you just gotta grit your teeth and buckle down for the bumpy ride. turbulence usually never lasts too long.
there are some things which i need to address and others which i dont feel's really worth the effort. (makes me laugh thinking about it). some things that are completely out of my control and to be honest i have no idea how they ended up where they are...but things are what they are. so now i gotta deal with it. fun stuff...really...
i can say that i've finally arrived to a point where i'm tired of letting things remain as they are. there's been some dramatic departures and i thought those actions would only complicate life further...turns out it's only simplified things. no more concern for certain issues/situations. not giving time to situations which will have no return. (chuckle)
no...i'm taking those energies once focused on those situations and channeling them towards some progressive forward-moving projects.
(listening to GLO - Midnight Voyage - thanks Kijsten - great recommendation for the running playlist)
it seems that old skeletons are trying to creep out of the closet which is why i brought up empowerment. i had some long long talks with key people in my life. just had to get it all out and say hey, this is the situation. let me just say that ALWAYS - honesty is THE only policy. for now, i know what i'm contending with and have the necessary help to see me through.
i've also really really really realized the value of the support system i have in my life right now. can't say enough about those people who've stuck by me in the last couple of months. love you more than words could ever express and no, you're actions, thoughts, words, prayers havent gone unnoticed.
again - all of this is pretty abstract so please dont assume you know what i'm talking about unless you really know, (and trust me if you're in my inner cirlce - you'll know). i love how some people can take things completely out of context or make these super erroneous assumptions that you're talking about them when really you're addressing something so far away and apart from them that it could be the distance between the Sun and Pluto! Truthfully rather than upset me. those kind of assumption making abilities kinda crack me up and i just have to roll my eyes when people do that. I mean, seriously, it takes some really *cough cough* "colorful and creative" people to make assumptions like that. If i was being really candid, i just say they were "crazies."
i must say a million times, dont make assumptions just be direct and ask. but as usual, people like to assume things are about them when really they're not. so lesson number 1: never assume where i'm concerned. i tend to throw myself for a loop at times so you cant really ever know what i'm attemption to do: sometimes I dont even know.
its not like i just outwardly act without thinking through my actions. i try to be considerate, thoughtful, and methodical but i've learned that my thought process sometimes departs greatly from the general population. so what i may consider to be saying one thing could very well be saying something else. it's who i am...and sometimes that tends to be an "outlier" as we would say in stats. it is what it is so just deal with it. i cant apologize for being who i am and who i was created to be. it just is.
i've honestly thought about law school in another state just to get a completely new, fresh start. but isnt that a form of "running"? yeah...not a good idea.
for now - that idea has been tabled. mainly because i havent been lead to pursue that option. there are some options which i need to consider but i seriously dont want to. like i just want to scratch them off the list and say No WAY JOSE! "Get that corn outta my face" like Nacho....uhm yeah...but havent been led to do that either.
i have a finance test tomorrow. back in the full swing of class work as the second 8 week stint is underway. kinda weird to only have three classes but to be going full throttle. i'd like to say the work load is what i need to keep me busy, but let me just be honest. its not...i mean when you compare it to 18+ hours and then online coursework on top of that...yeah, it seems a little slow to me. But i'm glad that i had some freedom in my schedule because the last 8 week session was a little crazy...with my bro-in-law's surgery and getting bronchitis = not so bueno.
i can say i'm feeling better and am now contending with the dry conditions of this part of the state. i'm slathering lotion on every five minutes! i now know how my sister felt when she moved from Florida to Texas but i only moved 3 hours north!
so for now...my mode is survival. its a rough season and i know that a new one will come soon enough. working on being thankful for where i'm at and for what i'm going through. just gotta say that sometimes its hard. you just want to stay under the covers and hope all the situations will disappear. Oh but that's not putting on your BIG GIRL pants and dealing with the necessary stuff like an adult. yes i know...so that's what i'm working on.
for now that means getting back to studying for finance...got that test in the A.M.
night beautiful people - i hope you're week goes well.
don't worry - faith has not left and is not going anywhere anytime soon. just have to be real about the current state of life. its not easy but despite that i can say that yeah Jesus/God is with me at all times and that's what carries me through the day to "fly like a bird" a song i've been listening to quite a bit as of late.
trusting until i'm blue in the face.
only in my dreams...speaking of
I've spent the last couple of weeks contemplating over, praying for, developing writings, working diligently on my personal statement.
Driving to school, it's been on my mind. Sitting on the bus going from the BA to the Commuter lot, its been in the back of my mind. Working on laundry, the hamster wheel furiously turned as I tried to figure out the exact content and approach to this monumental work. How do i define my educational goals and who i am in just six hundred words?
It wasn't until i was taking a break from focusing on it that it finally came. In fact, I was on a treadmill in the gym when it finally hit me. I'd written a personal statement before but for clarification purposes I should explain exactly what a personal statement is.
When applying to most grad schools, most require a resume along with a personal essay. Pertaining to law school: a personal statement is an opportunity to sell yourself to the law school you're applying to. You can write about anything but in short, you want to prove that you are law school material and the type of student that law school is looking for.
I didn't realize it at the time, but my study abroad program was preparing me for the writing of this personal statement. My fellow study abroad collegues have differing views of the courses we were required to enroll and participate in as part of the program requirements. Being the supernerd that I am, i took my participation in the program a little differently.
Perhaps, it was my aptitude and predisposition towards law school to begin with but my approach took a more serious tone. I mean, we were discussing the Roman Empire and Republic along with its relevance towards the development of human freedoms coupled by the Socratic method and the role these would play in regards to the development of jurisprudence. How could anyone get excited about those kinds of discussions?
lol..oh I can name a few and yes, they're either in law school now, have been, or will be going soon!
had the most encouraging conversation with my very brilliant cousin. this would be the one at Stanford Law and yes i'm bragging. She didnt get there on good looks alone! LOL. so what I love most about her is that great education and all, she's very easy to talk to and relate to. She's worked hard for her accomplishments and has arrived at her present place in life through determination and fearlessness. Not to mention she has a great husband who's supported her in accomplishing her dream (that alone speaks volumes to me about the partnership that marriage is).
ok so our conversation...i'm going to depart a bit but its necessary to understand why the conversation is so important to me. We're all given different lots in life. With those lots, come varying assets which aide and enable us in accomplishing goals, dreams, and tasks in life. We can sometimes lose sight of those assets and get caught up on those things which we do not have. its what "we dont have" that can sometimes keep us from reaching for the starrs/goals/dreams. The fear of "what i have may not be enough" can, at times, paralyze us where we stand, unable to take progressive steps forward. this has at some point in my own life been the case.
it wasnt until a few years ago, when i returned back to school and decided 'this is what i want, this is supposed to be my path in life' that i started down the long road that would eventually lead to becoming a Red Raider. there was a time when i thought it not quite possible to become an alum of the school my family is so endeared to (well most of us!). i saw following in my dad's and bro's footsteps something of an enigma. But i remember my dad saying, "if i can do it, so can you and nothing is impossible with God."
it was a blue Tiffany's box, holding a key ring with a heart charm attached, and the words of someone i love and hold very dear, "Remember that God holds the keys to your dreams and with Him nothing is impossible" that started me on my way to reaching for my dreams.
How could i negate those words in action? I knew from the course of the two years prior that those words are and were COMPLETELY true. I've witnessed God do some amazing things, bring me through some incredible moments, and deep, deep, deep down I knew that if this was really His plan for me...nothing could deter it.
So three years later, here I am. A Texas Tech student on the road to accomplishing an MBA with a BBA and a trip to my "dream" destination (Italy and Greece) under my belt. Everytime I look at those pictures, I remember that "dreams do come true" and its that blue Tiffany's box that holds a key chain with a very, very old and rustic key attached to it that reminds me that nothing is unattainable when God is involved. That box isn't about a gift from Tiffany's, though it was VERY NICE! No, its REALLY about God giving the very, very best to His people. I have another accessory that reminds me of that lesson as well...that when you have nothing: God can give you beyond measure.
in the last few weeks, i'd been struggling with certain "dreams" and questioning, eveb second guessing where I'm at. Its been conversations with a variety of people that have brought and carried me to a new place. When i started on this path, i knew that it would not be easy and i would face moments when i would be truly tested in endurance and perseverance. i've now arrived to that testing.
i can only compare it to the training i've just begun in preparation for the 5K. i've spent alot of time thinking about the varying points that an athlete faces. the start of the journey, where an athlete learns the fundamentals of their respective sport, then moving past the fundamentals to learning the art of the sport along with developing discipline, endurance, and perseverance. Sometimes atheletes face points of injury or even points where their bodies need something more than what they are giving such as hydration when cramping or being stretched a bit to be prepared to re-enter the game. There's hard work and being challenged to the point of breaking but before that can occur, when an athlete is successful, they will arrive at the goal. The end of the game or the end of the race....its that last stretch that sometimes most painful and the hardest to endure. But, its reaching the goal that all competitive athletes are striving for.
you have to know your strengths and weaknesses...need to know what assets you have that will enable you to reach the goal. that's what my conversation with my cousin was really about. sure there are physical elements that say, there's no way you're going to accomplish that...but as i've said before: i've seen crazier things happen. like a non-traditional student spending an entire month in Italy/Greece - expenses paid and that's just a minor/recent example...
i dont know where this dream will lead me...just know that there's a goal in site and that's what i'm aiming for.
there's a song that's really spoken to me so i thought i'd share it.
what i've come to realize is that this isnt about my dreams or my plans...but about a path i've been placed upon. i've had to come to a point of surrender to say: what is it that you want of me...where do you want me to go...what do you want me to do?
no matter how many times i ask or which way i turn...its always the same response. with confidence and assurance of heart, i know that this is the plan that He has for me.
no longer holding anything back but going hard for that which I have yet to attain: reaching for the prize.
Driving to school, it's been on my mind. Sitting on the bus going from the BA to the Commuter lot, its been in the back of my mind. Working on laundry, the hamster wheel furiously turned as I tried to figure out the exact content and approach to this monumental work. How do i define my educational goals and who i am in just six hundred words?
It wasn't until i was taking a break from focusing on it that it finally came. In fact, I was on a treadmill in the gym when it finally hit me. I'd written a personal statement before but for clarification purposes I should explain exactly what a personal statement is.
When applying to most grad schools, most require a resume along with a personal essay. Pertaining to law school: a personal statement is an opportunity to sell yourself to the law school you're applying to. You can write about anything but in short, you want to prove that you are law school material and the type of student that law school is looking for.
I didn't realize it at the time, but my study abroad program was preparing me for the writing of this personal statement. My fellow study abroad collegues have differing views of the courses we were required to enroll and participate in as part of the program requirements. Being the supernerd that I am, i took my participation in the program a little differently.
Perhaps, it was my aptitude and predisposition towards law school to begin with but my approach took a more serious tone. I mean, we were discussing the Roman Empire and Republic along with its relevance towards the development of human freedoms coupled by the Socratic method and the role these would play in regards to the development of jurisprudence. How could anyone get excited about those kinds of discussions?
lol..oh I can name a few and yes, they're either in law school now, have been, or will be going soon!
had the most encouraging conversation with my very brilliant cousin. this would be the one at Stanford Law and yes i'm bragging. She didnt get there on good looks alone! LOL. so what I love most about her is that great education and all, she's very easy to talk to and relate to. She's worked hard for her accomplishments and has arrived at her present place in life through determination and fearlessness. Not to mention she has a great husband who's supported her in accomplishing her dream (that alone speaks volumes to me about the partnership that marriage is).
ok so our conversation...i'm going to depart a bit but its necessary to understand why the conversation is so important to me. We're all given different lots in life. With those lots, come varying assets which aide and enable us in accomplishing goals, dreams, and tasks in life. We can sometimes lose sight of those assets and get caught up on those things which we do not have. its what "we dont have" that can sometimes keep us from reaching for the starrs/goals/dreams. The fear of "what i have may not be enough" can, at times, paralyze us where we stand, unable to take progressive steps forward. this has at some point in my own life been the case.
it wasnt until a few years ago, when i returned back to school and decided 'this is what i want, this is supposed to be my path in life' that i started down the long road that would eventually lead to becoming a Red Raider. there was a time when i thought it not quite possible to become an alum of the school my family is so endeared to (well most of us!). i saw following in my dad's and bro's footsteps something of an enigma. But i remember my dad saying, "if i can do it, so can you and nothing is impossible with God."
it was a blue Tiffany's box, holding a key ring with a heart charm attached, and the words of someone i love and hold very dear, "Remember that God holds the keys to your dreams and with Him nothing is impossible" that started me on my way to reaching for my dreams.
How could i negate those words in action? I knew from the course of the two years prior that those words are and were COMPLETELY true. I've witnessed God do some amazing things, bring me through some incredible moments, and deep, deep, deep down I knew that if this was really His plan for me...nothing could deter it.
So three years later, here I am. A Texas Tech student on the road to accomplishing an MBA with a BBA and a trip to my "dream" destination (Italy and Greece) under my belt. Everytime I look at those pictures, I remember that "dreams do come true" and its that blue Tiffany's box that holds a key chain with a very, very old and rustic key attached to it that reminds me that nothing is unattainable when God is involved. That box isn't about a gift from Tiffany's, though it was VERY NICE! No, its REALLY about God giving the very, very best to His people. I have another accessory that reminds me of that lesson as well...that when you have nothing: God can give you beyond measure.
in the last few weeks, i'd been struggling with certain "dreams" and questioning, eveb second guessing where I'm at. Its been conversations with a variety of people that have brought and carried me to a new place. When i started on this path, i knew that it would not be easy and i would face moments when i would be truly tested in endurance and perseverance. i've now arrived to that testing.
i can only compare it to the training i've just begun in preparation for the 5K. i've spent alot of time thinking about the varying points that an athlete faces. the start of the journey, where an athlete learns the fundamentals of their respective sport, then moving past the fundamentals to learning the art of the sport along with developing discipline, endurance, and perseverance. Sometimes atheletes face points of injury or even points where their bodies need something more than what they are giving such as hydration when cramping or being stretched a bit to be prepared to re-enter the game. There's hard work and being challenged to the point of breaking but before that can occur, when an athlete is successful, they will arrive at the goal. The end of the game or the end of the race....its that last stretch that sometimes most painful and the hardest to endure. But, its reaching the goal that all competitive athletes are striving for.
you have to know your strengths and weaknesses...need to know what assets you have that will enable you to reach the goal. that's what my conversation with my cousin was really about. sure there are physical elements that say, there's no way you're going to accomplish that...but as i've said before: i've seen crazier things happen. like a non-traditional student spending an entire month in Italy/Greece - expenses paid and that's just a minor/recent example...
i dont know where this dream will lead me...just know that there's a goal in site and that's what i'm aiming for.
there's a song that's really spoken to me so i thought i'd share it.
what i've come to realize is that this isnt about my dreams or my plans...but about a path i've been placed upon. i've had to come to a point of surrender to say: what is it that you want of me...where do you want me to go...what do you want me to do?
no matter how many times i ask or which way i turn...its always the same response. with confidence and assurance of heart, i know that this is the plan that He has for me.
I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. Jeremiah 29:11 (The Message)i think i've run from it long enough and now its time to embrace it and walk in it. no matter how far i may go or how hard i may try to run, it is woven into the very fabric of my being: with complete certainty i see this now. the pursuit of this dream will be seen to completion and the hand that led me to embark on this journey will be faithful to see this work completed.
no longer holding anything back but going hard for that which I have yet to attain: reaching for the prize.
I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back. Phil 3:12-14 (The Message)i encourage you not to hold anything back. this life is a vapor and all to quickly it will be over. instead, live each day in a way that will leave you with no regrets, embracing every moment, and loving deeper than you've ever loved before.
Friday, October 30, 2009
kettleball workout, my pata!
reposted from a facebook entry:
i recently started training to race competitively in a 5K for the spring that would be running.
i figured since i was new to this particular sport, yes its a sport. i'd start with something small like a 5k and then eventually work my way to a half marathon before moving on to a full fledge marathon. what spurred all of this. well i had been a dedicated runner until a few years ago and have been trying to get back ever since.
i'm finally at a point in life where the opportunity has presented itself to really hit this goal hard. so here i am.
gym membership - check
running shoes - check
trainer - check
diet tracker - check
running playlist - check
the "ganas" to take it to the limit - check
crossing the finish line of my first 5k...priceless
so yes, i'm committed to this new goal/project. I've been at it for about three weeks and re-modified my diet earlier this week. I have an online tracker that helps me track calories and nutrition which has been really helpful.
AND TO ALL OF YOU who offered AWESOME song suggestions....thanks a million!!!!
today, i was determined to press myself and get over 3 miles in. so far i've been around a 14 minute mile. not great, not bad...but today...i wanted to get as close to 12 min as possible...so i hop on the treadmill, fire it up, and get the ipod "running" playlist going.
ok so WHAT IS THE FIRST SONG ON THE PLAYLIST?
this is soooo awesome...
EYE OF THE TIGER....and it was those first few rhythmic sounds that got me fired up and made me smiling while thinking, "OH YEAH...this is gonna be a good one." and i was thinking, this is like a video!
so there's something you should know about running...its not just about taking off out the gate. i mean...you gotta pace yourself and you have to build up endurance. something i'm working on during my early morning workouts with my trainer.
so no workout this morning...wait, i'm getting ahead of myself.
back to the just over 3 mile run. i fire up the treadmill and get going and finish up my first 20 minutes...take a hydration break of 30 sec and get going again. so as i near minute 12 in the countdown...i'm like..agh...endurance!!! where are you? but that's when "break my stride" comes on...and i was thinking about a particular situation and thinking "that's right....you ain't gonna slow me down" right as the chorus fires up.
Ain't nothing gonna break my stride
Nobody gonna slow me down, oh no
I got to keep on moving
Ain't nothing gonna break my stride
I'm running in a one touch ground, oh no
I got to keep on moving
TALK ABOUT MOTIVATION...then i was all kinda mad about the situation and so i channeled that energy towards finishing my run. So today just over 3 miles like 3.12 @ 12.8 min per mile.
so if that wasnt enough, i decided i needed to do a kettleball workout. yes, its basically a weighted ball with a handle on it and you do alot of movements with it. ok can we say, totally kicked my butt...but i can say that i feel really great so it was definitely worth the hard work!
i just gotta say that watching your diet doesnt seem like it would be that hard! But great scotts! its craziness....
alright..this stinky girl must shower. dinner with the family tonight! so glad they're in town...
i recently started training to race competitively in a 5K for the spring that would be running.
i figured since i was new to this particular sport, yes its a sport. i'd start with something small like a 5k and then eventually work my way to a half marathon before moving on to a full fledge marathon. what spurred all of this. well i had been a dedicated runner until a few years ago and have been trying to get back ever since.
i'm finally at a point in life where the opportunity has presented itself to really hit this goal hard. so here i am.
gym membership - check
running shoes - check
trainer - check
diet tracker - check
running playlist - check
the "ganas" to take it to the limit - check
crossing the finish line of my first 5k...priceless
so yes, i'm committed to this new goal/project. I've been at it for about three weeks and re-modified my diet earlier this week. I have an online tracker that helps me track calories and nutrition which has been really helpful.
AND TO ALL OF YOU who offered AWESOME song suggestions....thanks a million!!!!
today, i was determined to press myself and get over 3 miles in. so far i've been around a 14 minute mile. not great, not bad...but today...i wanted to get as close to 12 min as possible...so i hop on the treadmill, fire it up, and get the ipod "running" playlist going.
ok so WHAT IS THE FIRST SONG ON THE PLAYLIST?
this is soooo awesome...
EYE OF THE TIGER....and it was those first few rhythmic sounds that got me fired up and made me smiling while thinking, "OH YEAH...this is gonna be a good one." and i was thinking, this is like a video!
so there's something you should know about running...its not just about taking off out the gate. i mean...you gotta pace yourself and you have to build up endurance. something i'm working on during my early morning workouts with my trainer.
so no workout this morning...wait, i'm getting ahead of myself.
back to the just over 3 mile run. i fire up the treadmill and get going and finish up my first 20 minutes...take a hydration break of 30 sec and get going again. so as i near minute 12 in the countdown...i'm like..agh...endurance!!! where are you? but that's when "break my stride" comes on...and i was thinking about a particular situation and thinking "that's right....you ain't gonna slow me down" right as the chorus fires up.
Ain't nothing gonna break my stride
Nobody gonna slow me down, oh no
I got to keep on moving
Ain't nothing gonna break my stride
I'm running in a one touch ground, oh no
I got to keep on moving
TALK ABOUT MOTIVATION...then i was all kinda mad about the situation and so i channeled that energy towards finishing my run. So today just over 3 miles like 3.12 @ 12.8 min per mile.
so if that wasnt enough, i decided i needed to do a kettleball workout. yes, its basically a weighted ball with a handle on it and you do alot of movements with it. ok can we say, totally kicked my butt...but i can say that i feel really great so it was definitely worth the hard work!
i just gotta say that watching your diet doesnt seem like it would be that hard! But great scotts! its craziness....
alright..this stinky girl must shower. dinner with the family tonight! so glad they're in town...
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