God only knows...

I seem to be posting mostly on a semi-annual or quarterly basis. I wish I had a better explanation but life’s been insanely busy. Work is well work and I have a long history as a workaholic. We’ve had a lot of challenges lately and Lord knows I love a good challenge.

I seem to attract the problem child projects. And at first you might say, oh that’s not good. You’d have to look back at my life to see it’s a common thread. Right sizing projects gone slightly astray. Solutioning through strategy and deployment. There’s been very few challenges that I’ve been unable to work thru. 

Lord knows I’ve been through some insane experiences. I’m a pastors kid, you’d think that would be enough. At the very least, I’m glad I can look back and say none of it broke me to the point of being beyond repair and a solely by the Grace of God.

I’ve been reflecting on the word resilience. Mainly because I came across a really great song and it’s been a constant on my playlist. The lyrics are very real to me about a specific time in my life but I think they apply to us all. 

If I had listened to the naysayers, I wouldn’t be where I am today. It’s why I’m so very grateful for second chances and will champion second chances until my last breath. 

“God only knows what they say about you”

I could write a book about that line. That experience has been a long process to work thru and in some ways, I rebelled taking the 180 in the opposite direction. I wanted nothing to do with very specific circles and purposefully kept my distance. Deep down I knew it couldn’t be that way forever and in many ways a shift has begun. I’m grateful in a lot of ways. I learned a lot of powerful lessons during that period in my life. It led to a lot of commonalities with Ricardo and allowed me let my guard down early in our relationship. 

In certain circles, people find comfort in those who don’t ever challenge the status quo or who don’t rock the boat. It’s taken me a good 15 years but I finally accepted that that will likely never be me which suits me fine. It’s an advantage in my line of work. Tech is obsolete in months and it’s ever evolving. It’s a constant effort of reading and learning to keep current. I don’t mind it but it’s also a lot of work to stay current and thereby relevant to my workaholic tendencies.

I’ve never shied away from rolling up my sleeves and digging into the work. That aspect has stayed with me and I’m glad. Hard work are values passed down from my grandparents to my parents and now my siblings and hopefully, it’s a value that will passed down to our nieces and nephews. 

Often times, we embark on a journey and at the time we cannot see the fullness of what’s at work. I look back at my journey and all the things that have led us to this point and time: at how events and people have impacted our lives in incredibly significant ways; how experiences and people shape what we do, and the call-to-action in our lives today.

Ricardo and I have a giving plan that we establish annually. We’ll chose a few initiatives to give to through that year. There are a few items that will be long-standing on that list while others may rotate in and out. We give because we’ve been incredible blessed. One of those blessings is the benevolence of our parents. I’ve watched both our parents give faithfully to community, family, and church in obedience to their faith and because they want their lives to count for more than just “seashells.” You’ll have to reference a John Piper sermon for the seashells. 

Lately we’ve been feeling a few things weigh heavy on us. So we’ve taken steps to move forward in supporting those things we feel so strongly about. For me, that’s the greater calling of our lives. 

This last year has been a lot about carving our own path. We’ve been settling into our outside-the-box view/approach/ and delivery. What we’ve learned is you can love your country and still question her approaches, you can support her while challenging her to be better. Questioning the why’s doesn’t make you any less loyal or makes you lesser or greater than those who don’t. 

We also know we can’t be true to ourselves and our convictions while remaining silent. And if you think it hasn’t cost us anything, it’s cost us more than you could know. We’ve had folks we’ve know for most of our lives walk away from us. We don’t harbor an ill-will towards them but we also can’t deviate from a path laid and illuminated before us just because some don’t agree with us. 

At the same time, God’s been really faithful to bring like-minded folks across our path and those who will challenge us when needed. I’m most grateful for those relationships. They keep us accountable to our calling and life’s work. 

And all those experiences that have been meant to harm us have only refined us and defined our path. 

They’ve colored our world in new ways and pulled back the curtains of illusion. They’ve given us a depth to our empathy and patience to our understanding that while it can be dark in reality is also beautifully surreal. 

Today I’m grateful to be in this place. All of the past has led us to this point. We like to believe that nothing is in vain.

This week we meet with an organization to fund a new initiative in honor and memory of our nieces and nephews. Ricardo and I are not parents yet and we don’t know that we’ll ever be biological parents. But we fully love our nieces and nephews and desire a better world for them. We’ve purposes to work to that end. Some days we find success and others we find ourselves a few steps behind but we’re pushing daily.

I don’t know where you’re at in your life. Don’t know the circumstances of what you’re facing or what’s been said about you. Don’t know the dreams that seem so far out of reach. Maybe you consider yourself to be the “lonely, the ashamed,  misunderstood, or the one to blame.”

Don’t give up. Don’t give into the beliefs of the naysayers. Don’t give into the thought that it will never come to pass. Maybe all you need is someone to be in your corner. Someone to say, you’ve got what it takes or it’s possible. Know that we are...no matter how badly you think you’ve messed things up, redemption is real and it’s closer than you think. And while it may not end in what you expected, when you put in the work and you surrender, you’ll find that what’s come to you is better than what you anticipated. Keep pressing, keep working, keep seeking...

God only knows what you've been through

God only knows what they say about you

God only knows how it's killing you

But there's a kind of love that God only knows

God only knows what you've been through

God only knows what they say about you

God only knows the real you

There's a kind of love that God only knows

For the lonely, for the ashamed
The misunderstood, and the ones to blame
What if we could start over
We could start over
We could start over
Oh for the lonely, for the ashamed
The misunderstood, and the ones to blame
What if we could start over
We could start over
We could start over
'Cause there's a kind of love that God only knows

https://youtu.be/LyXpX4fuS0E

Keeping Score

A little over a month ago, we celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary and our 9th relationship anniversary. Nine years have gone by in the blink of an eye. My prayer is that we’re granted many many more years together. 

Ricardo and I didn’t marry as young twenty something year olds. We were well into our 30’s and both been through the ebb and flow of life. We’ve experienced tragedies, been through heartache and in the most devine timing were brought into each other’s lives. We were not naive to the challenges or incredible beauty our relationship would have. Ricardo’s a realist and I’m the optimist. I deal with what I know and take things one moment to the next. We prepare for the worst and hope for the best. We bring each other the balance we each need. 

But we didn’t arrive here over night. A very very long time ago, a really good accountability partner gave me a quote: “wisdom is learning from mistakes, preferably not your own.” I took those words to heart and while I’ve made plenty of mistakes all on my own, I stopped to observe those around me and especially those in my inner circle. We’ve cried and prayed together. We sat silently in the roughest of times and we’ve shared pages of text in support of one another. I don’t take for granted those relationships. They’ve allowed me to see upclose all their glories and imperfections and they’ve alllowed me to learn from them. 

Another friend once said, people who come into your life are woven into the tapestry of your life and what you carry with you is hopefully the best of them or a lesson learned. I agree.

Over the last few years, Ricardo and I experienced really incredible losses in the passing of loved ones and dear friends. We could stop to wallow in the what-if’s but I don’t think those questions will ever be answered this-side-of-heaven. We could get stuck in that place of what-if but we’ve chosen to move forward and honor their lives in a variety of ways. We haven’t forgotten, we don’t miss them any less, the hole in our hearts their departure has left isn’t filled. But we’ve decided that their living wouldn’t be in vain and that we’d find ways to continue their legacy and to make their lives continue to matter. 

We’ve given to support initiatives, we’ve extended grace when it was the hardest thing to do, we talk of them often, we take time to reflect on their lives, but most importantly, we carry their essence in the things we do and in the whys. Their passing reminds us that life is not guaranteed and that it’s like a vapor. Here one minute and could be gone the next. It reminds us not to take for granted the seemingly small moments. 

I work in Wound Care/Health Care. Just through my every day work, I’m amazed at the intricacies of the body and how all the elements that must line up to give us life. We focus mostly on skin in Wound Care. Skin integrity and healing... how when certain elements are missing, healing can stall. 

I think the same can be said of our emotion, spiritual, relational and mental health...not just our physical health. 

Over the next few months, we’ll take part in a number of celebrations. My grandmother turns 90, our close friends are celebrating their 15th anniversary, one of my siblings will turn 40, and our oldest niece will marry. These are the joyous moments of life. 

It’s been our niece’s wedding that caused me to reflect on my own relationship with Ricardo. I look back at the start of our relationship and it’s only be recently that I realized the dangers of “keeping score.” It’s part of our human nature to keep track of the wrongs committed against us. Oh we can forgive but forgetting is harder still. I’ve thought about what advice I would give my niece if ever asked. There are so many things to say about marriage but it all boils down to one thing. Don’t ever, ever keep score...keeping score takes us to a place that can starve the healthiest of relationships. It’s a focus on look what I’ve done compared to you. 

As I though my about that, I thought about the concept of unconditional love. I was reminded of 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 and was reminded that “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

It keeps no record of wrongs. 

That’s unconditional love and if we want to receive it, we have to extend it. It is not easy but i say it’s harder yet to maintain the roster of wrong-doing. It’s a policing effort that in the bigger scope of things would be better spent in other ways. 

So I leave you with these words from my current favorite song by Dan and Shay, Keeping score:

Cause I know I'm only human

Don't know how many sunsets I got left

And I don't wanna ruin

This moment by wondering what comes next

I just want to love you 

Like it's all I'm living for

Hold you close, enjoy you more

And spend a little less time keeping score

Maybe you’ve been secretly keeping a score sheet, maybe it’s been a mental one...it’s never to late to reset the scoreboard. But it’s a choice to do so...it’s a choice to say I’m going to focus on unconditional love than fighting a never winning battle. Our humanity will cause us to fail one another but focusing on the right things will keep us moving forward. It’s one of the things our good friend Chris imparted and planted into our marriage. 

Keeping score

Someday we're gonna look back 
On a night like tonight
The car I pulled up in
The necklace you're wearing 
Won't even cross our minds
Someday we're gonna blink twice
Say it happens like that
How much money we saved up 
For the time that we gave up
Well, it'll all just be math

I know I'm only human
Don't know how many sunsets I got left
And I don't wanna ruin
This moment by wondering what comes next

I just want to love you 
Like it's all I'm living for
Hold you close, enjoy you more
And spend a little less time keeping score

If we're rich to somebody
We're poor to somebody else
We could be happy and nameless
Or broken and famous
But, from what I can tell

Is that it doesn't really matter
You can't take with you when you go
Life is only getting faster (life is only getting faster)
So, baby, I'd rather 
Take tonight nice and slow

'Cause I know I'm only human
Don't know how many sunsets I got left
And I don't wanna ruin
This moment by wondering what comes next

I just want to love you 
Like it's all I'm living for
Hold you close, enjoy you more
And spend a little less time keeping score

Be with me now
Be with me right now
Be with me right here, right now
Be with me now
Be with me right now
Be with me right here, right now

I know I'm only human
Don't know how many sunsets I got left
And I don't wanna ruin
This moment by wondering what comes next

I just want to love you 
Like it's all I'm living for
Hold you close, enjoy you more
And spend a little less time keeping score
Oh, yeah
Keeping score

Wedding Anniversary #4

Four years had gone by in the blink of an eye. I sat down to make a video of the things Ricardo and I have experienced over the last 9 years and have been blessed to share with one another. 

So many great things have happened in this season of our lives. Many tough moments too but what I can say I’ve learned most about this season is the blessing of the time we have together. I don’t take it for granted for a second. 

This anniversary has been a bit different because Ricardo and I had a spat a few days ago. And we’ve had many over the years. However, the one thing I can say with certainty is that while my husband may not always hear me the first go around. He does listen and he always creates a safe and secure environment where I know I can talk openly about whatever it is that’s weighing on me in that moment. Sometimes words are necessary and sometimes I just have to lean over and rest my head on his shoulder. 

I know for certain that unconditional love is real and possible. I had friend tell me the other day, you have more patience than I do. I said it’s because I love that man do that he gets the grace that he does...that and Jesus. Cause Lord knows on my own, I’m not capable. I think that’s been a beautiful thing to see. Especially for people who know me well and know I’m a no nonsense type of girl. When I’m done, I’m done and I will walk away with no regrets and without looking back. 

So in the last year, my approach with Ricardo has changed a bit. A lot of it at the words of our dear friend, Chris, who told us to walk in grace and love each other because time is fleeting. We didn’t know that within weeks, he’d leave this world for the heavenlies. He left behind such an incredible delible mark on those who knew and loved him. 

Unknowingly, he left an impression on Ricardo and I that had led us down new paths in renewing our work in faith. While we’re taking baby steps, Chris really rekindled a spark in our spiritual lives. Not in a way to place Chris on a pedestal but in how Chris really gave Christ place in his life. In how lived, what he said, and how he responded to what was before him. 

I will always remember walking out of their hospital room the day we found out his diagnosis. Our hope was to encourage our friends and let them know we were standing in the gap with them. But we walked out very much changed and blessed by Chris’s response and hope. That hope never ever waivered. 

In the first photo below, Chris and Patricia joined us for our “couples” dance. It’s the memory I hold of them and of Chris because he loved his wife deeply as she loved him. Patricia is to be very much a mentor as a wife and friend. I know when she says she’s praying for us, she is really praying for us. 

They really celebrated and encouraged our marriage as witnesses to the vows we made. But they also knew the realities of life and just how much work marriage requires.

Ricardo and I very much understood that even long before we stood at the altar. We never believed it was a fairytale and we very much knew we’d face trials and challenges. But we’ve learned how to walk through them together. We are partners in life and while there may be times we may not like each other very much, we do love each other very much. Looking back at our short four years of marriage, I think we’ve also learned from each other. We’ve made monumental mistakes but I’m always astounded by the grace we manage to give to each other. 

Over the last year and half, we’ve lost loved ones. Watched our family and friends walk through loss and some through divorce. But we’ve experienced some really incredible moments and joy. We found out before Christmas that our flower girl is in remission from cancer. I read my friends post of her tests report and I could help the tears that welled up. I know how she’s been prayed and hoped for! So to get such amazing news was just really incredible. 

At the same time, we got to spend time with my sister through a few vacations. I’m always grateful for time with my siblings and more so since my sister lost her husband. Just like Chris, Cary is greatly missed by his family. Having watched my sister walk through that experience brings new light to Patricia’s and also slows my tongue in moments where I want to lash out at Ricardo. 

I think after their experiences I really understood that the world with try to maim my husband, he doesn’t need to add me to the list. My job is to be his support in those moments and love him unconditionally. We’re not afraid to face the tough stuff and we know we’re still growing as individuals and together as a married couple. But it’s work ya’ll! I know I’m getting some “amens” out there. It ain’t all roses and chocolates. 

For me it’s not just about the romance of our marriage but very much about sharing life with my best friend in life. It’s being in a safe environment to be myself without fear of judgement and to voice my concerns or worries of the day. It’s knowing he may not have all the answers but that he’s not gonna let me walk through whatever we’re facing alone. 

It’s very much “to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge myself to you."

National Friendship Day

Today is Friend’s Day on Facebook. Ricardo and I have been thinking about our friends a lot over the last couple of weeks. You’ll have to bear with me cause this post will be a little long. There’s been a lot happening to the folks we care anout and love most! Friends have had surgery, lost loved ones, had family members fall ill, have loved ones whose health is deteriorating. Emotionally it’s been a whopper of a few months. But I have to give God praise for what He’s done in our lives and the lessons we’ve learned.

I look back and reflect on all the things that have happened in both Ricardo and my pasts. There’s a verse in the Bible that says “all things work to the good of those who know and serve the Lord.” I’ve seen that verse at play. For all the tough moments we’ve endured and all the ways God has shown us his faithfulness, He’s built in us the ability to handle tough situations and compassion to be better friends to those walking tough roads right now. 

I think about all the friends and family who saw us through dark times and just loved us through it. Today, we honor that gift by doing the same for others. I can’t stress enough the importance of your prayers during some really incredible moments in our lives and the lives of our friends and family. 

Ricardo and I usually set annual goals of things we’d like to accomplish or just focuses for our lives in that year. The one thing I’m most grateful for in my husband is his servant’s heart. Ricardo will do without to give to others. Now I may paint my handsome husband out to be a prince but he has flaws and moments too. So do I but together we make each other better. It doesn’t mean we don’t have our moments cause Lord knows we do...but I’m grateful for this man and all the ways he brings balance to my life. 

Talking with my mom last night, I was telling her about how our day had gone and just things that we felt God was doing in our lives. My sister lost her husband this past summer and our good friend lost her husband just this last week. It’s heartbreaking because we know that the road to healing is long and hard. But we know both those ladies are better women for having loved! I got choked up talking to my mom because our friend and her husband are such great people who love others and who genuinely love and serve the Lord! We celebrated his life yesterday through a beautiful memorial service. As I’m telling my mom and got choked up, my husband half asleep reaches out to hold my hand. 

That’s why I love that man...and it’s moments like that that I hope and pray come to mind when we’re in the throes of a disagreement or when one of us doesn’t make the best decisons. 

We know in our heads that we’re not guaranteed tomorrow...but for me, I believe Chris gave us a beautiful gift. I think he really taught us of the urgency of today. Don’t put off what needs to be said or done today because we are not guaranteed tomorrow.Chris left this earth for his heavenly home last Friday on January 26. 

On Saturday Jan 27th, we were in Austin to celebrate the lives of our niece and nephew who passed away 10 years ago. I never had the opportunity to met either one because they were gone before I came into the family. But I had heard stories of what they loved and who they were. Hannah was 11 and Quentin was almost 2.5. They were lost in a tragic housefire. From what I understand, Hannah went back in for her little brother. Firefighters found them together and they were both rushed to the hospital. 

When I first came to know Ricardo’s family, you could still see the scars of what had happened to their family. They’re not perfect but no family is but what I found incredibly remarkable is their dedication to family. I know directly that comes from Ricardo’s parents. It’s one of the things that I love about Ricardo because I know he understands how important family is. We’re both close to our families but likely in different ways because he’s a man and he’s an introvert. I have such admiration for them because despite such a tragic event they’ve gotten back up and continue to face life. They miss those little ones dearly and I know that Hannah and Quentin were deeply loved by this family. I also know that we’ll see them again. 

I don’t pretend to know “why’s” of life’s tragic events. Even know, I cannot wrap my mind around the loss of two little ones or of the passing of our friend Chris. It’s unfair...and it’s painful but we were never promised as believers to be exempt from pain or to be exempt from life’s cruelty. We’ve only been promised that we wouldn’t go through it alone. There’s a great deal of comforting in knowing that. 

a bit of perspective...

We’re but a few weeks into the new year! Holidays seem a bit of a blur. The last few weeks have been a bit hectic for us. For Ricardo and I, the start of our holiday season was rocked by news from a few friends of various diagnosis’s and episodes. Our holiday season was a bit bluer due to the passing of my brother-in-law late last summer. It was a season of many first for my sister and was very bittersweet.

Ricardo and I have been a bit more introspective and retrospective as of late. We celebrated our 8 year anniversary together and our 3 year marriage anniversary with no major fan fare but there was, of course, cake!

If you could label this season, it would be “appreciating the little things.” Tonight Ricardo and I had an impromptu date nite. I was famished and work has been insanely crazy but I remembered to put my phone down and just take in the moment with him. I’ve had a project that sorta went of the rails and I’ve been putting in the late nights trying to right-size it. We’re 95% of the way there and hopefully tomorrow, we’ll be able to put it to rest. So to say I’ve been a bit distracted would be a huge understatement. 

Yet all the while, life is still happening to those who are in our inner circle. It’s been hard to keep connected but we’re working hard at checking in on folks and working to meet needs as able. There’s quite a few people on my heart lately but tonight I wanted to talk about Patricia and Chris. 

I met Patricia while working at Seton and after I got to know her, just really connected with her. She’s a fellow believer so having that same understanding in faith makes it easy to find commonality but Patricia just has a very sweet spirit about her. Always seeking to do the right thing which I greatly admire. She was in our wedding and Ricardo and I got to know Chris, her husband, better as a result! 

To describe them is to say they are two peas in a pod. They remind me a lot of my own Mom and Dad. Ricardo and I just hold them in great esteem. This past fall we learned that after a lengthy journey, Chris had been diagnosed with stage four cancer. Ricardo and I drove that evening to go visit with them and to let them know we were standing with them and joining them in prayer for healing! 

They’ve been on my heart a lot...I’d just witnessed my sister lose her husband, her life partner to a lengthy illness. I’ll just say that if you’re married or in a relationship, the thought of losing your loved one likely will hit you in the gut. Chris and Patricia have been married a few years longer than Ricardo and I. So for me it just hit me, in a place of “but Lord more time!”

They certainly haven’t given up the fight and they continue to believe that God can bring healing to Chris’s body but I also see that “peace that passes all understanding...” it’s that piece that allows us to mourn differently because of hope. I saw it in my sister and I’ve seen it in so many other believers we know going through tough, gut wrenching moments! 

So you may be asking why the mention?

It’s why I deliberately put my phone down during dinner tonight. Ricardo and I spend a lot of time on our phones. For one, I’m connected to my work via a work cell phone, iPad, laptop,  desktop, etc...my livelihood is based on being connected and available. I’m blessed in that my boss understands work life balance and encourages it. So when needed I tend to burn hours working to finish whatever project we have. But I do work equally as hard to take downtime and time away. 

So back to dinner with Ricardo...last night he asked me about Chris and Patricia. I told him I was following their blog but needed to touch base with them.

We try to stop and visit when we’re in Austin and we’ll be there this Sat with Ricardo’s family. The conversation with Ricardo has a lot of significance because that’s so very much who Ricardo is. He won’t admit it but I would describe him as being pretty tender-hearted and a bit of a bull in a china cabinet shop! Between the two of us, if feelings are hurt, 80% of the time, it’s not me! That’s how I knew I’d met my “penguin” in life! Ricardo is very much all the things I’m not but it’s reciprocal. A very fitting definition...

Ricardo brings a much needed balance to my life in ways I’d never thought imagineable. I’ve been thinking about that a lot. Thinking about our time together and purposefully taking the time to find appreciation in those moments. Life hit us hard for the last two years but we’ve continued to plug along knowing it’s a season. I’m grateful for this man, Ricardo, in all sorts of ways. But largely this season of gratitude was brought by a point-in-time realization that we’re not guaranteed tomorrow. 

After learning about Chris and Patricia, I consciously stopped and thought what would I do if we were in their shoes. Would I change anything about how “we do life” together? And the one word that came back was “grace...”

Grace is not something that comes naturally to me but Ricardo and I have known for some time that God’s been stirring in some unusual ways in our lives. I’m not sure how that’s going to translate in the days to come but witnessing Chris and Patricia’s journey has brought a new introspective and reflective perspective on my marriage to Ricardo. 

Not to say that things weren’t good but I think as time progresses you move into a season of “being comfortable” so all those little things you did early in your relationship lose priority over every day life things like work, cleaning your home, grocery shopping, etc...

In those moments that Ricardo drives me bat-apes crazy, I find myself stopping and thinking “is it worth it in the long-run? Would this argument have any merit if our situation were different? Is this really about the point itself or something else?” My perspective is colored by lenses that fully realize that time is a gift. When I stop and view our situation with those lenses, grace is much easier to come by. 

We continue to hope and pray for Patricia and Chris but their journey has forever changed ours! I think of the verse “as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another...”this has never been more true!

We ask that you join us in praying for strength and healing for Chris and Patricia!

Below are a few photos from our wedding! When I think of Chris and Patricia, I think the second photo captures them perfectly!

Today I encourage you to take a few moments to love on your spouse. It doesn’t take grand gestures, it could be as simple as sitting at dinner and putting our phones down and just enjoying the time we have together!

I can only imagine ...rest in peace Cary.

Hard to believe it's been two weeks since my brother-in-law passed. Feels both like it was both yesterday and ages ago. Death is no respector of age, race, or condition. Cary experienced the ultimate healing on August 4, 2017 as he passed from this life to the next.

We, alongside my sister, his boys, family, and friends, laid him to rest last Saturday. The outpouring of love my sister had received had been overwhelming at times but graciously beautiful. Many of you know that Cary suffered for years. He had a Total pancreatectomy in 2009 in an expected attempt to extend his life 2-4 years. Without it, he likely wouldn't of lasted long.

At the time, his boys were young: ages 1 and 4. When he was first diagnosed, we knew it was going to be fatal. The news was heart wrenching but he endured for almost 8 years. We give thanks to the Lord for allowing Cary to pass in peace.

To say the last week has been rough, is a complete understatement. Emotionally, we'll be raw for some time: more so my sister and nephews. Pray for peace and for comfort.

Preparing for his funeral, I put together a Memorial slide show for my sister. What I learned from that is that the Lord answered Cary's prayers. He'd asked to live long enough so his boys would know him. Oh they knew him alright! They knew his funny quirks and shared many memories. Pictures are a bit sparse as the boys aged but it had more to do with Cary's illness progressing and the fact that he was more homebound in the last few years.

Cary was rambunctious and I told my sister I expected him to walk right into a heaven never becoming bed-bound. He almost did.

At his funeral, we joked that we expected him to pop up and let us know what wasn't being done right! Cause that's the sort of personality my brother-in-law had! He'd once sent a letter to Wendy's corporate because he'd been charged $.25 for croutons and they were supposed to be free! He gave me a gift card for Christmas once and it had a strange amount. It was because he's subtracted the amount of the cost of the gift card (it costs because it had sound). He'd also given me a nut cookie jar and a cucuy Indian garden statute!

He took us to England when my sister and e first got married. It was he craziest trip we'd ever gone on because of his intense itinerary. But we all agreed we got more than our money's worth. He should've been a tour guide, he woulda been good at it.

 I joked with my husband that Cary would decide to depart so close to my 40th birthday! I don't seriously believe he did it to steal my birthday thunder but I honestly wouldn't be surprised if he did! Lol...that's the relationship we had.

So I conceded the limelight to him (for good reason and not begrudgedly). Cary had been waiting for some time to pass. It was hard to watch as his body waste away, his physical limitations frustrating him.

Cary's always been a doer. He didn't sit on the sidelines and watch. He'd roll up his sleeves and join in the work...most especially if you gave him a clipboard! I joked that Cary was up in heaven organizing Sunday morning services, giving the apostles their seating assignments and letting the angels know their cue when to sing!

More importantly than any of that...he's walking the streets of gold and he's at eternal rest. No longer held by the limitations of his physical body. We can only imagine what his eyes are seeing.

 We knew he was tired and in pain so the focus of our prayers shifted to how he'd transition from our world to the next. Our hope was that it would be peaceful and painless.

As loud and dramatic as Cary was, ironically he slipped from our world to the next as gently and quietly as a lamb.

 One of the last conversations I had with him, we promised him that we'd look after my sister and his boys. I think he knew we meant it and time has proven our words to be true.

Cary - you can now Rest In Peace and high on that mountain. You're work on earth is done! We have your watch; keep on the sunny side!

Your sister
Laura

We are not without hope...it is well....1 Thessalonians 4:13

My it's been some time since I've last written. It's been a whirlwind since my last post. I had started a new blog but never really got to find consistent time to write. I've started half-a-dozen blogs or so but never really felt strong enough about them to publish.

By now, most of all of our close family and friends know that my brother-in-law's went to be with the Lord yesterday morning. He endured a traumatic injury Wednesday evening. We knew he was not likely to recover but like so many times before I think we stood on the brink of "is this it?" We thought he would bounce back like the many times before.

We just didn't know. He began transitioning mid-morning and a few short hours later, he drew his last breath. He left as peacefully, quietly, and unexpectedly as anyone could depart. He simply stepped out of the room and into the other side of Grace. He left this world with dignity and in peace: an answer to a consistent core prayer for us. The thing we all wanted for him and for my sister. While the pain we may feel, pails in comparison to the pain felt by my sister, his parents or sister. We do feel his loss and largely through my sister and nephews.

We do not pretend to think the next steps to come are easy, that there won't be challenges.

There are two young boys in this mix and so our efforts have been largely focused on stability and love.

I've spent alot of time reflecting on family and what it means.

When we first learned about Cary's illness and his likely outcome. We prayed that God would bring the right answers....medical solutions, miracles, whatever it was that God would want to do. We've never pretended to understand God's plan for Cary. At times, our prayers have focused on relief for Cary, other times they were centered on healing, but our prayers have varied over time in many ways.

Even now, I have no real answers as to why. To me, it's not important. God began a good work and was faithful to complete it. I hope and trust in the unseen. We do not mourn without hope and so while we may shed tears, they are stemmed from the pain of a physical separation. Death was designed to be painful...but our mourning is also fully adorned with an eternal hope that we will meet again someday.

Maybe that's something that you believe or maybe you believe something all together different. But it has been that hope that has sustained us...that hope that propels us and that hope that will keep us moving forward long after my brother-in-law is laid to rest.

About 10 years ago, I took a sabbatical compelled to focus on very specific activities. Initially, I had thought that focus was returning to school to finish my undergraduate work and when that was completed it would shift towards my graduate studies. But soon after starting grad school, the area of focus would seismicly shift to my family - specifically my sister, her husband, and her boys. Along the path, I have failed at times, but time has brought consistency. Learning what it is to not only say family is important but then to act in a way that reaffirms that value. It's been a slow growing process. Through it, the road has meandered and weaved in directions I would've never imagined. Ricardo and I stay active but in ways that are inconspicuous. We've never said we thought this was the absolutely right approach but it was what was best for us at the point of where we were. It's allowed us the freedom to come and go as needed to serve my sister and her boys.

At one time, I used to juggle a million things at once but I learned that I never mastered any of those things...so I decided to focus on the most important part of life: my sister and her family.

My brother-in-law and I were not the best of friends...In fact, I know I challenged him in ways that caused us to clash. We had very few moments were we would agree but we are in some ways cut from similar bolts of cloth. In other ways, we have completely bi-polar viewpoints that were never going to be exactly aligned. But this was the man my sister loved. Our relationship was not perfect. It was never going to be...but I'd never wish on anyone the suffering he endured. I don't fully understand it either. I don't think I understood what his illness would mean until my oldest nephew called me one day. My sister and bro-in-law had just had a conversation with him about what my bro-in-laws fate was likely to be.

My nephew was upset and asked to call and talk to me. So i answered the phone to a little voice. I could literally hear the tears in his voice. My sister explained what had happened...and in that small voice, he mustered up "but God can heal my dad - can't he?"

It took everything I had to maintain my composure as tears filled my eyes. I understood then the price that would be paid. What I would've given for their experience to have been different. To have had a healthy dad that would have more time with them. I took a moment to take a deep breath and said to him "absolutely baby. God can heal him..."

I believed it then...I believe it now but I also had a different kind of maturity to know that whether God decided to heal him in a way that would extend his life on earth, or to heal him in Heaven - it didn't really matter because we'd still give God the place He deserves. We'd still praise Him, we'd still thank Him, we'd still trust Him...it was in that moment that I understood the why of focusing on family. It's been painful and it's been hard, but I wouldn't change any of it. I regret nothing because nothing worthwhile comes without hard-work and toil.

Here we are six years later...that little boy who posed that question so many years ago is now a young man. He's growing at a rate that is unimaginable and before long, he'll be bound for college. Not wanting to spend any time with his auntie. I'm not a perfect aunt. I've made plenty of mistakes but we continually ask God to give us wisdom as we interact with our nieces and nephews...to give us wisdom in helping to point our nieces and nephews to Jesus, to the Father....to live our lives in a way that show's who we believe God to be. I see it in the small things...the conversations my nephews have with my husband or how they'll bump up next to him to walk with him when we're at a store or walking to the car...i see it when they call me and ask how my day was or what I'm up to. Who they'll understand God to be will largely be impacted by how the adults in their lives live out those principles and values. 

This weekend they were supposed to be in San Antonio to enjoy a final trip before they begin their school year at a new school in a new city. Obviously those plans changed. Instead, we've spent this weekend working through arrangements but focused on my nephews and sister. We managed to get in some school shopping (yes there were some challenges there...) but we managed to find what we were looking for and so we'll take that as a win. Last night, my husband helped me to take the boys swimming and so for a brief moment I saw smiles on their faces as we splashed each other and chased each other around the pool. We've had alot of conversations about feelings and that its ok to be happy one minute and to cry the next and to miss their dad the next. We're working to keep those communication lines open to help level the playing field so that if they need to talk - they know someone is around to listen to them. Tougher days are ahead, without a doubt and we know that many more tears will be shed but we know God will see us all through them. We know He's still who He says He is and that will never change.

The end of the week will find us reunited to lay my brother-in-law to rest alongside his family. The last time I spoke with Cary I told him we would look after his boys and my sister. I think he knew us well enough to know that we'd do what we said we would do.

We know that his funeral will be hard. We'll cry, we reflect on Cary's life, and we'll give thanks for God's work in his life. We know his boys will have questions. We'll listen and we'll answer as best we can...but we'll be there...it's the only thing we know to do. This focus on family didn't start with me, it didn't start with Ricardo...it started long ago with our grandparents, passed on to our parents, then to us....now to our nephews.

The hardest days will come when they get home and begin to figure out how to live life a new. There may be sadness for a period but joy will come in the mourning.

We'll remember the crazy things Cary said and did...his quirks...his sayings...and we'll know he's in a better place. Probably organizing the morning services in heaven...instructing the choir on when to start the singing, seating the apostles, lining up the angels...because that's who Cary was. If they have clip boards in heaven, Cary's probably got the biggest one there...lol

Our family has and will always be changed because of Cary's entrance and departure from this world.

Was Cary perfect? no...but none of us are. If not for the grace of God, who gives us eternal hope. The following verse seems appropriate. Death where is your sting? Thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ and because of that victory we do not mourn without hope.

To those who have sustained us in prayer, there are no words to express our gratitude. To the multitude of individuals who provided support in any manner to Cary, my sister, and her boys; we are eternally grateful for you. Please know that your support is recognized as the ministry of Jesus to his bride. From the bottom of our hearts - thank you! 

Cary ran his race and came to the finish line. He crossed that line Wednesday morning. May we follow in that same pursuit - to run our own races and to finish them well.

1 Corinthians 15:55-57
English Standard Version (ESV)
⁵⁵ “O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?” ⁵⁶ The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. ⁵⁷ But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

The Anthem

By his stripes we are healed
By his nail-pierced hands we’re free
By his blood, we’re washed clean
Now we have the victory.

The power of sin is broken,
Jesus overcame it all,
He has won our freedom,
Jesus has won it all,

Hallelujah!
You have won the victory.
Hallelujah!
You have won it all for me.

Death could not hold you down
You are the risen king
Seated in Majesty
You are the risen king

Our god is risen, he is alive
He won the victory, he reigns on high

When all is said and done

July 4th...

Tomorrow most people will celebrate with family and/or friends with BBQ's, cook-outs, picnics, out at lake or park ending the night with fireworks. 

We engage in some of those activities but not quite to the same extent. I think my mom has obliged ius because she's a mom. 

My dad and her were with us over the weekend as we transferred my nephews back to my sister. They left earlier this evening and while it would've been nice to have them with us, I know there's a part of her that finds some comfort being home. 

She doesn't celebrate the 4th of July in the same way that we do and not because she's any less patriotic. My grandfather was a veteran...and he passed while as a civilian in a tragic accident. She was young just out of high school. 

A singular decision would change her life and the makeup of her family. I think I'll never understood how hard that experience was for her but today I caught just a tiny glimpse. She said something to me in passing that had I not known the back story, I probably would've over looked her words without much thought. 

This year marks 45 years since his passing. 

45 years...

My grandfather passed before we were born so we never met him. We only know about him from stories we've been told by our mom and relatives. He has a sister who is still alive. She calls my mom and her siblings and has kept an eye on them. I know she loved her brother and that she felt a responsibility to keep an eye on his children. 

Over the last year or so I've researched our family ancestry. It's been amazing to see photos and gain a better understanding of our ancestors lives thru documents. 

Its been said "to know who you are and where you're going, you have to know where you've come from." It's been important to know our family history so that we can pass it on to the next generation. For me - that's my nephews. It's appropriate given their situation. 

Many of you know their dad has been ill for some time. There have been many moments when we've thought this is it. Surprisingly he's beat a lot of odds. He's beat a lot of odds. He's survived longer than his transplant dr's thought he would. I remember those moments, I was in grad school working on a project in Lubbock waiting for updates from my sister or parents. My folks made the long trip up to Minnesota to be with my sister as they waited. We all wondered if he'd be strong enough to survive...and he was. We almost lost him several times in the days and moments that followed. He was taken back in because he was bleeding out in recovery. My sister got a call in the middle of the night to head back to the office so my dad drove her over due to snowy conditions in Minnesota at the time. Miraculous Cary survived and he's been given almost 7 additional years with his children. 

We've been a bit tight lipped about the process of his disease. Not because we wish to be secretive but because we've been here many times before. I can't tell you how hard it's been on my sister, bro-in-law, or nephews. I can't even put into words to describe their experience because it is uniquely theirs. I've only had the privilege to be a spectator in close proximity. Each time, there's a bit of "ok we've been here and he's survived the last round..." And the approach begins to be tempered with a bit of disbelief. So I think we've purposely waited to post or say anything because we don't want to mislead in any way. No one knows when we will be called home, no one knows the hour that death will knock on our door.

We know there will come the day when he will pass but I think our hearts are unsure of how to process the "this is really it-ness"...we just don't know. Only God knows when he'll call Cary home. 

If you don't know by now, Cary's back on hospice. I wont go into any details but i'll say from my perspective it is very different this time around. For the most part our prayers have and are centered on rest and peace...

I know there are those that will say "is this really it." I can only say, we don't know. But we do know that each day more that Cary gets to spend with his boys is a gift. All we can do is support them in whatever way possible.

You have to know that this process is not for the faint of heart. It is exhausting and draining in every way imaginable and while we may feel just a slight ounce of that as we play supportive to, we'll never feel the weight or burden of the entirety of the process as much as my sister and nephews will. For that reason, we work to be as sensitive as possible and to be as protective as possible. 

Amanda is my baby sister and no matter how old she gets, she will always be my baby sister and my brother will always be my little brother. 

I've always believed in being upfront and truthful. We've had those conversations necessary to understand how to best support my sister, my BIL and her boys. There's no manual that says here's what you do but we each do what we can to help her as best as we can. For that reason, I think there's been a few prevalent songs on my mind. 

Both songs from Geoff Moore and from a completely different time in life. Those songs take on a different meaning today than they did then. The first being "when all is said and done"...the later "listen to our hearts." 

We are hyper-aware of the frailty of our humanity; that we are not promised tomorrow. We are aware that our actions and words can have incredible implications. Our hearts, our attention, our focus is on supporting my sister and her family. I think about the lyrics of when all is said and done...those lyrics have never been more prevalent than now. 

As you celebrate the 4th of July, keep those families who've lost a loved one in service to our country in your prayers. I'm sure today, they miss their loved ones more than ever!

When all is said and done

https://youtu.be/Qri1ibZb8xk

Lyrics: 

When the music fades into the past,

When the days of life are through,

What will be remembered of where I've come?

When all is said and done?

Will they say I loved my family?

That I was a faithful friend?

That I lived to tell of God's own son?

When all is said and done.

Of how I long to see the hour,

When I would hear that trumpet sound.

So I could rise and see my Savior's face,

And see him smile,

And say 'Well done.'

You can forget my name

And the songs I've sung,

Every rhyme and every tune.

But remember the truth of Jesus' love,

When all is said and done

When all is said and done.

Listen to our hearts

https://youtu.be/lpK9v0MvxDE

Lyrics:

How do you explain, how do you describe 
A love that goes from the east to west 
And runs as deep as it is ride 
You know all our hopes 
Lord, you know all our fears 
And words cannot express the love we feel 
But we long for You to hear 

So listen to our hearts 
Here our spirit sing
A song of praise that flows 
From those you have redeemed
We will use the words we know 
To tell you what an awesome God You are
But words are not enough 
To tell you of our love 
So listen to our hearts 

If words could fall like rain 
From these lips of mine 
And if I had a thousand years 
I would still run out of time 
So if You'll listen to my heart 
Every beat will say 
Thank You for the life, Thank You for the truth, 
Thank You for the way

A chance meeting

 <iframe scrolling="no" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen webkitallowfullscreen mozallowfullscreen src="http://up.anv.bz/latest/anvload.html?key=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"  width ="640" height="360"></iframe>

My mom and I got to meet this guy at the airport. After taking in the Boston Marathon experience for a second year. Seemed poignant that, especially after a year with my company, I left with a deeper appreciate and profound insight for the things some of us take for granted on a daily basis. I recognized him from seeing him in Feneuil Hall. 

I immediately congratulated him and was quite surprised when he engaged us in conversation. We can only imagine what his training must of looked like and the fact that he crossed that finish line, no matter the time, deserves to be celebrated. Boston is one of the toughest courses and right between mile 20 and 21 lies heartbreak hill...each runner has to dig a little deeper just before the stretch home. The cheer of crowds often give that final momentum of motivation needed to cross the finish line. From the look on some runners faces, the anguish and agony to finish is very real and that's when the crowd kicks in with their cheers and encouragement. The sheer elation he had and pride in this accomplishment is infectious. 

Here's a guy who has obviously overcome some major hurdles! Doesn't mean he won't have more to come. At the same time, he wasn't the first to finish the race. I think the point is that it wasn't about what place he came in at. The point is that he finished the race. In fact, he finished dead last. 

At one point in our conversation he turned and looked back, he said "I may have finished last but at least I finished and can tell my kids 'look your dad accomplished something!'" 

I couldn't agree more! Boston is the Holy Grail for any runner. Only about 35,000 runners are accepted. Entry is competitive and often times, runners who have met time qualifications don't get in because there were more runners who out paced them to qualify. The fact that he's there is something to be proud of. Whether he was there by a charity spot or via qualification, he was there. He ran Boston and has his medal to prove it!

Folks run Boston for a number of reasons. My brother does as a celebration of life and health. He worked hard to be in a healthy place post college/grad school. He picked up running and discovered he was pretty good and enjoyed it! That's how we ended up in Boston for a second year in a row. 

We don't believe in happen stance or coincidence. We believe all things happen for a reason, reasons we may not understand today or may ever understand. 

I'm grateful for moments like these. Over the last year, I've learned more about wounds that won't heal. Not figuratively, but actual flesh wounds. I understand the mechanisms that can stall healing and also know there are many product that can promote healing. Healing is most difficult for folks with compromised immune systems and for diabetics. 

Moments like these make me proud to work for a company focused on wound care and helping folks heal so they can get back to every day life. Our mantra is to "make better."

It may sound hokey but I think about that in my own work. While I may never directly interest with patients, I do interact  with providers and administrators and support folks who interact with providers and administrators on a daily basis. My job is to help arm them with information and data. There are countless studies that have proven the efficacy of our products and I strongly believe in the work my organization does.

What more, I have a powerful and relevant story to share with one of our teams as we present on quality and the impacts. Interactions like this serve as reminders that I'm where I need to be, doing what I've been called to do. Grateful for the experience and humbled by the opportunity.

Six years in the making and a lifetime more to go!

Technically today is Ricardo and my 1st wedding anniversary. Given all the hinges that have occurred in the last few weeks, we knew it would be bittersweet. It is very much that and so much more.

I think it's why we chose to celebrate in Austin with our close friends and family. Austin was our first home, it's where we honeymooned (even though we lived here) and sought refuse from a brutal holiday season! We spent five nights at the Barton Springs Resort and the days after settling into a new rhythm of life before heading back to work. Those moments in our lives were incredible. 

Life continued and we were very much enjoying life as newly weds. (Insert record scratch here!)

But Ricardo and I are realist. We don't sugar-coat our relationship and we believe in transparency and honestly. We don't pretend somethings when it isn't...and so as some may say, "the honeymoon was over pretty quickly."

To some that notion may seem sad or horrible. To Ricardo and I, it's exactly who we are. He sometimes drives me nuts and sometimes I drive him banana. We just had a discussion coming home how he never follows my driving instructions even after he asks me for them. Yet, we both know (he's professed it) that he's horrible with directions. But that's how it goes, we're very human. And prone to error. The analyst in me says this should get better with time and improved processes but relationships are an entity of their own! So you learn to pick your battles...is his not following my directions going to ruin our lives, statistically speaking "likely no."

Is it worth losing my marbles over? No, not really...so I let him take the road he wants to take and when he's ready for my directions, I provide them though not always as kindly as I should. We're working on the flaws...but for now they are what they are. So to some it may seem that our honeymoon is over but this is seriously how we have always been. I think with time we've become better. We've grown and while we've been given time to settle, we know we have to continue to grow and so we do both independently and together. 

We are not extremely lovey-dovey publicly, it's not who we are. We are very independent people after all, but mess with my husband and a flip switches...why because it's MY husband and I love him dearly and while he doesn't need me to protect him, it's in my nature to do so. To be honest, my husband and Jesus are probably the only reasons why I've not landed myself in jail. 

We decided that for our first anniversary, we'd spend it in Austin visiting friends and we'd stay where we honeymooned.  Omni Hotels has been just amazing to us!

It's hard to believe that a year ago the worries of the day were a wedding license...there's tremendous buildup to the big day and like a buble bursting in air it is gone just as quickly sad it started.

I took a few moments to reflect on our wedding and this first year of marriage. The wedding itself went by so quickly. We had an amazing time. However, I hardly got a chance to talk to some of the guests we wanted to visit with. There were things that went wrong but in the end, those things don't matter. The ceremony and reception was gorgeous! There were so many who contributed all in significant ways that we're so thankful for! It was incredible. 

As we checked into the hotel tonight, I had a twinge of sadness as I opened the closet. A year ago, I had hung up my dress in the closet until we could get it home. I've still to mark it and send it off to be preserved. Something I need to do soon.

I stopped to think about how life had so drastically changed and realized we'd weathered life together fairly well over this year.